Anything Can Happen
by themadgirlinthebluebox
Summary: After a fall from grace, Elle Harper is making a comeback. So touring with Big Time Rush who are now in their early 20's seems like the perfect match. She wants to redeem herself and BTR wants a mature audience. But what happens when a certain blonde doesn't want the infamous party girl on tour? As summer heats up will Kendall and Elle grow closer? On the road, anything can happen.
1. Chapter 1

Have you ever had one of those moments where life catches you so entirely off guard that you have to look around to see if there are hidden cameras? And it feels like there is no way that the situation could be real? I had experienced that feeling a lot over the past year but this time it really was unexpected.

"This has to be some kind of cruel joke, right?" I questioned, trying to keep the irritation from rising in my voice. "I mean you can't be serious about this."

"No this isn't a joke or cruel. In fact, you should consider yourself lucky that I even swung you this deal." My manager Liz explained, taking a moment to look up from her phone. "It's not like the offers are exactly pouring in anymore."

I rolled my eyes. "Tell me something I don't know."

"I had to fight tooth and nail to even get you this deal so you can't blow it," Liz said bitterly. "Come on Elle, I know you want to be back onstage."

She had a point, but it was the collaboration I was agreeing to was where I found an issue. I huffed and tried to not sound like the ungrateful pop star the media accused me of being.

"I do, I really do." I started, trying to sound grateful. "But Big Time Rush? Seriously? My fans fucking babysit their fans. I know I told you to get me on tour with anyone but this is a bit much."

Liz shook her head. "We talked about this they have an older fanbase just like you do. They're trying to appeal to an older audience now. Late teens and young 20 somethings same as you. Besides, they have a large fan base and that could pull in more people to buy your album. You agreed to this, it's too late to back out now."

I pursed my lips in frustration. Liz was right, it could help my album do well on the charts once it was released. I had known for awhile that I would be touring with them, I had signed the contracts weeks ago. But now that it was going to be official I was in disbelief. All I could think of was the basic ass, boyband sound I had heard from them in the past. It was the polar opposite of my edgy pop sound. Huffing, I glanced out the tinted window and crossed my arms.

"They're just so-" I trailed off, looking for the right word. "Boring."

"And by boring, you mean well behaved, popular, and innocent. All things which you aren't and need to be if you want back in the game. This is going to help you clean up your image and show that the 'Jett incident' was your rock bottom and this is your comeback."

I couldn't help but notice the way Liz cringed at the words 'Jett incident'. That was something that was happening a lot when people saw me and mentioned it. A slight wince of embarrassment or disgust and then it would be brushed off. I shuffled uncomfortably in my seat, opting not to think about the event that was now the reason I was desperately looking for a comeback. The sleek black car we were in pulled into the parking garage of Rocque Records and I unbuckled my seatbelt.

"Fine, I'll be on my best behavior." I gave my manager an overly fake grin and the older woman cracked a small smile.

"Best behavior Elle, not creepy fake smiles that make you look insane." She shook her head. "Listen the contracts are signed this is just the informal meeting for you guys to meet and have a quick photo op to create buzz."

I simply nodded and stepped out of the backseat of the SUV and smoothed out the skirt I was wearing and fixed a few stray hairs. "Let's get this over with."

Liz answered a call and I took the chance to roll my eyes at the situation. This was actually happening. I had nothing personal against them when we had met in passing they seemed nice. But the thought of having to tour with them to get back into the spotlight was still jarring.

"Big Time freaking Rush," I mumbled under my breath as I was led to the elevators. "More like Big Time freaking Lame."

"Elle you need to at least try to be polite their producer is taking a huge gamble on you."

"Fine." I spat as I stepped out of the elevator, I took off my large sunglasses. "Just make me famous again."

Liz shook her head. "That's my job, now don't forget to be nice. Throw out some compliments, act humble"

We turned down a red and white colored hallway and into a conference room. It was empty so I leaned against the long table. Nervously, I checked my hair once more. From out in the hall, I heard voices. I looked up and caught a glimpse of the band before they saw me, I had to admit they appeared nice enough. Big Time Rush and I had been at the same award shows enough that I recognized them and knew their names. Logan was standing closest to the door and had always come across as friendly. James had never seemed phased that I was dating someone when we saw each other. Carlos would flirt hopelessly and get tongue tied which I had found endearing. Then there was Kendall who had never said more than a few words whenever we came across each other. I knew that Jett wasn't his biggest fan, mostly because he was dating Jo.

Despite the fact, Jett had been my boyfriend he still made his feelings for Jo known. This was yet another reason Jett was a dick. However, I had to hand it to Liz. They were attractive guys and their fans would support whoever they backed. I jumped and was torn from my thoughts when Big Time Rush's producer walked into the room.

"Dogs! I dragged you here today to meet your new opening act. She's going to draw a new crowd so don't mess this up!"

"Guys meet Eleanor Harper from Condor Records." Kelly, a pretty, short woman introduced.

They walked in the door and I stood up, folding my arms. Feeling a bit awkward, it was like I was the new kid at school.

"Just Elle please, nice to meet you guys." I put on my best smile. "I can't wait to tour with you."

Logan shook my hand. "I'm sure the fans will be excited."

"Let's hope." I sighed, "I'm probably more excited than they are."

Carlos practically threw himself at me and smiled anxiously. "Hey Elle, uh nice to see you again."

"Nice to see you too." I waved slightly and then pointed at his wrist, remembering Liz's instructions. "Nice watch."

His cheeks reddened just a bit as he sat back down. Kendall rolled his eyes as he walked in.

"She is not coming on tour with us!"

My head turned so fast I had probably given myself whiplash. "Oh yeah and why's that?"

"Well, you're kind of not what our fans listen too. You're kind of problematic." He shrugged and gave me a fake smile.

I raised my eyebrows and went to speak but was cut off when James made a move to shake my hand. He gave me a charming smile that probably would have made me blush on any other day but right now I was irritated. "Ignore Kendall, I'm James I can't wait to tour with you."

I managed a tight smile and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you."

"So how about we hang out later, maybe get to know each other?" He suggested, his eyes wandered up and down my body and as he pulled his hand away he slipped me his number.

"Dogs sit!"

James sat down and gave me a smirk while Kendall just rolled his eyes and huffed. Gustavo didn't seem to care because he continued talking.

"Elle is coming on tour with us to get back on the scene and get you guys exposure to a new age group."

"Gustavo" Kendall questioned, his voice sounded smug. "What about her behavior isn't she kind of wild?"

"And aren't you kind of an asshole?" I spat before I could bite my tongue. This caused the others to catcall and gawk under their breaths.

"Elle!" Liz hissed. "Enough."

Gustavo rolled his eyes. "She's coming whether you like it or not so I suggest you start getting along now and take this picture. I need to start writing an amazing single for the tour."

The guys came around to the front of the room. The 5 of us grouped together and smiled like we were old friends and not just acquaintances. James and Kendall slipped their arms around my waist and I gave a bright smile. Once we broke apart the picture was tweeted out and they were all instructed to post it onto Instagram over the next few hours.

"Now Elle, we're going to go talk final business details for just a minute. Play nice."

I smiled coyly and gave a thumbs up. "Will do."

Once we were all left alone Kendall scoffed. "I don't like this or you."

"I could say the same thing but I'm going on tour whether you like it or not Kenny." I stared at his face, my brown eyes into his bright green. "So you better get used to it."

"Dude chill out, it'll be fun." James shrugged. "We want to grow our base don't we?"

Kendall sighed. "Well yeah but she's trouble. You saw what happened with Jett he had negative press for months."

If I hadn't been so disgusted by his attitude, I would have pointed out that Jett's shitty press was because he had reacted like an asshole and threw me under the bus. It wasn't because he had been attached to me. In fact, if people knew what had really happened his press would have been way worse. It didn't matter right now though, I wasn't going to let some bushy-eyebrowed asshole try to intimidate me.

"She's right here you know?" I grumbled. "I dealt with the media and I don't appreciate being talked about like I'm not here. And you're not trouble? You've been an asshole since the moment you walked in here."

"Just stay out of my way and don't ruin this for us."

I crossed my arms and huffed. "Or what?"

"You'll be off the tour."

"We'll see about that. When you get your dick out of a twist let me know." I shook my head. "Until then get used to me because I'm not going anywhere."

Behind me, Liz cleared her throat and I was secretly relieved.

"Come on Elle lets go."

His bandmates seemed conflicted about what to do but I smiled genuinely at them. "It was actually nice to meet you three. I can't wait to spend the summer with you guys."

Logan shook my hand. "Same here. We'll see you at rehearsal."

"Elle." Liz urged pointing to her watch. "Places to be and people to see."

Kendall smirked. "Better go, don't want to be late to the strip club."

"Maybe I should, it's the only way you'll ever see what's under these clothes." I winked as I patted his cheek. "Later Kendork."

Kendall turned red and searched for a comeback but I turned on my heel and strutted out of the room trying to ignore the lump in my throat. I had been used to people making judgments about me because of what happened a year and a half ago. I was used to it before the 'Jett incident' but this stung in a new way. Never had I gotten such a visceral reaction from someone from the very beginning. It wasn't like a fan or a parent I saw in line at the coffee shop who made a comment under his or her breath. This was a tour mate, someone I was spending the next few months with. I blinked a few times, refusing to look weak. As I stepped into the elevator I could hear his voice down the hall.

"She seems like a bitch."

As the doors slid shut I stared at my reflection in the mirrored walls and let my brave face falter. All I wanted to do was get back to making music and doing what I loved. This was supposed to be a fresh start for my career and who I was as a person. How was that ever going to happen if my own tour mates wouldn't even give me that chance? I let out a breath and pulled my skirt down over my thighs. Maybe everyone was right, maybe I was just washed up. I jumped when Liz's phone rang.

"Dani, hey. It went okay, a little rocky because one of the guys was less than thrilled that she was touring. He'll get over it, we'll just polish Elle around the edges."

I felt my face flush as I shifted my weight. It was Danielle Condor on the other line, head of my label. Dani was normally relaxed but had been unsure of keeping me signed on. Liz had gone to bat for me, but hearing them talk about 'polishing' me made me uneasy. Maybe I really was nothing but trouble. I thought of my fans reaction to what happened with Jett. I thought of my label's reaction and then of Kendall's. His green eyes were full of disgust and judgment like I was nothing. I had always prided myself on having good instincts about things. I knew that my music was good, I knew I could be a handful and I knew I could make a comeback. But then, thinking about how I would probably spend the summer dodging Kendall's insults and outspoken dislike, there was one thing I was certain of.

This summer was going to blow.

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AN: This is the first chapter of my new fic Anything Can Happen. I know it seems slow now but it picks up and I have the first 12 chapters written. I will be posting every 1 to 2 weeks depending on the feedback I get. If you liked this chapter let me know! Just an FYI Elle is mixed, she is a person of color and you can see a photo of her if you click on the cover. Let me know what you think? Why is Kendall so against her joining BTR on tour? Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Hello! Thanks to suitelife for the review last time! Here is chapter 2, I will be updating every 2 weeks. This chapter picks up just after chapter 1 ends, you find out just what the 'Jett incident' is. I hope you enjoy and let me know what you think.

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The ride back across town from the studio had been tense. Liz was less than thrilled with how I acted toward Kendall and had started to scold me. But luckily for me, she had been interrupted by a barrage of calls. Unluckily though, that meant I was getting the full brunt of my manager's anger now.

"Elle your behavior was completely uncalled for!" Liz chided me as I walked into my airy bright apartment. "You need to apologize to Kendall before you screw this up."

"He made me feel like such a slut."

Liz rolled her eyes. "Exactly, which is why you need to tour with them so you don't look like a slut. Kendall was a little out of control and Gustavo will deal with that. For now, apologize to Kendall and make nice. Call James and ask to talk to him."

I huffed as I sunk into my plush couch. "Fine."

The older woman pulled out her phone. "I have to go, don't forget to update about how excited you are."

"Fine," I mumbled, pouting like a child.

She left shutting the door behind her and I let a few tears slip out. I hated being called a slut and how people assumed I was a whore because of one mistake. When I used to look up my name it was just about my music and tours but now it's always about Jett, that damn video of us that was still floating around the web, or rumor including a drunk or high me.

I opened Instagram and posted the picture of me and the band with a nice filter. I captioned it "Can't wait to spend my summer with these guys! I hope to see you all on the road this summer, more details to come so stay tuned!"

I tagged the guys' personal accounts and the band's account. I saw that I had been tagged in Logan's post and went to comment on it and my heart sank.

 **BigTimeCrush: Ew why is she on tour with them? Wtf?**

 **LiveLoveLogan: I didn't realize Big Time Rush was on the same level as literal trash.**

Some of the comments were even more vulgar, but occasionally there was on from one of my fans.

 **Queen** **Elle:** My skin is clear, my grades went up and my crops are flourishing!

I made an effort to like the nice replies but stopped after being flooded with hate comments from Rushers. It got to be too much so I put my phone down and decided I'd call Kendall to apologize later, it's not like he deserved it anyway.

I turned on the TV and groaned as Newtown High came on. There was Jett in all of his TV glory. He had been a great boyfriend until he cheated on me. I was an idiot and really thought he was the one. Then we went to that damn club and Jett had gotten me a little too drunk and we hooked up. Or at least that's what the public thought happened.

 _"Baby come on, I said I was sorry about Heather Fox." He smiled rubbing his hands up and down my sides. "Let's just have some fun."_

 _I pulled my dress back down over my thighs and groaned. The bass from the club music made my head pound and I was already a little tipsy, from pregaming on the way to the club. It didn't help that Jett kept pouring drinks down my throat and that we had smoked a little before leaving his place. Going out tonight was his way of apologizing. But it didn't feel genuine because he had brought 3 of his friends with him. He brought out the party girl in me. I wasn't the biggest fan of it. But when he smiled down at me with his perfect Hollywood smile it was hard to say no._

 _"I-I don't know."_

 _He rolled his eyes and took a shot. He refilled the glass and held it to my lips when I turned away he grabbed my face. "Come on don't be such a bitch, Len."_

 _Taking the shot from his hand, I knocked it back and winced at the burn. "Don't call me Len, you know I hate it."_

 _"Fine, Eleanor. How about you forgive me?" He whispered in my ear. "I won't fuck up again, I'm sorry."_

 _I wanted to say no to him, after all, he had cheated on me but he looked so sincere. "Swear?"_

 _"Mmhmm, now drink this. You're so tense." He handed me a cup and kissed me. "Let's have some fun."_

 _I kissed him back and he poured the drink down my throat. I laughed as some of it dribbled down my chin and onto my dress. He kissed up my neck and ran his hand through my hair. Behind him, his friends snickered and joked with each other. I could barely make it out and just ignored them, they were all dumbasses._

 _"She's looking pretty fucked up Jett." One chuckled. "What'd you do roof-"_

 _"God, you're so hot, Elle." He said quickly, pressing his lips to mine. "C-Come on let's go."_

 _He helped me stand up and I stumbled over my feet as he led me to the back of the club and into the VIP section. My head was swimming and my mouth felt dry. He sat down on the couch in the dark curtained off room and pulled me onto his lap. I leaned down and kissed him, and he unbuckled his pants. I pulled back and looked around the room._

 _"Jett what are you doing?"_

 _"We're just fooling around don't be a prude." He tugged my dress up over my thighs. "I miss you, Heather wasn't as fun as you are."_

 _I squirmed as he held my hips in place there weren't many people in the room. Just a few feet away there was a group but they didn't seem to be paying much attention._ _I didn't want to lose Jett again, he had already cheated. I sighed and felt my body buzzing with alcohol and lowered inhibitions. My head felt dizzy and my limbs were heavy._

 _"Not out here." I whined. "I'm tired."_

 _He rolled his eyes and grabbed me by the arm. I stumbled through the club as he dragged me behind him, my legs were heavy and my chest felt like it was getting tighter. I could barely stand and Jett led me to the bathroom. "Better?"_

 _I nodded and giggled when he put me on the bathroom sink. He gripped my hips tightly and kissed me, fooling around with him was always fun and I had missed him. But I felt sick to my stomach and sex was the last thing I wanted._

 _"You're hot." I teased wrapping my arms around his neck. I slurred a little. "I'm s-so drunk, wanna wait til later."_

 _"And high as fuck." Jett just smirked. "You're fine. Let's just do it now_

 _The room spun and my chest felt tight. I felt more than drunk I felt like everything was slowed down. But Jett was pulling down my underwear and too focused on kissing me to notice. Normally he always asked if I was sure but tonight he was moving quickly. I pushed him, trying to get some air._

 _"I don't know," I said wearily. "My head hurts."_

 _Jett just rolled his eyes. "Don't be a baby Len, you've been more fucked up than this."_

 _He kissed me and wrapped my legs around his waist. He had one hand in my hair and the other on my thigh, he reached up my dress and pulled down my underwear. That's when the panic set in, my breathing was heavy and I squirmed._

 _"Get off of me!"_

 _"Fuck, Elle." He laughed as he said my name. "So hot. I missed you"_

 _I made a feeble attempt to push him away but he just held me tighter._

 _"Missed you too." I whispered into his ear."But s-stop, I changed my mind."_

 _Jett just laughed under his breath and kissed my neck._

 _"Elle, shit." He groaned. "Missed you baby, so fucking much."_

 _The bathroom was hot and his warm body against mine made my breathing feel short. He had his lips on my neck and his hair was in my face._ _e grunted as he pushed into me, he was clumsy, too high to be gentle._

 _"I don't want to do this." I whimpered. "Ow, stop it."_

 _"You want this." He chanted into my ear. "You want this right now. You love me, stay still."_

 _Everything was so distorted as I cried. "No. Jett get off! Please. Help!"_

 _"Shut up."_

 _My nails scratched at his face, drawing a bit of blood. "Help me!"_

 _He wrestled my arms to my side and held me tightly. His free hand gripped my face so tightly I could hardly breathe, he was pissed._

 _"Shut the fuck up. You're slut so you should be used to this."_

 _I was sobbing now. "L-Let go of me."_

 _He kissed me and slipped his hand over my mouth, he laughed again as I tried to free myself. He rocked his hips against mine. This wasn't happening, he wouldn't do this is. I must have been unclear. I wanted to tell him to stop but he had a hand over my mouth. His nails dug into my cheek and my breaths were quick and panicked._

 _"Lucky I'm fucking you." He told me. "Could be with someone else."_

 _I whimpered against his hand, panic was rising in my chest. He was heavy against me and my eyes burned._

 _"Shoulda gave you another pill. So tense babe." Jett mumbled to himself and then he sounded amused as he wiped under my eye. "Don't cry just look at me I love you so much. You just gotta shut up okay?"_

 _When he pulled his hand from my mouth he kissed me softly and groaned. I was too drunk to pay attention to anything other than him. Everything was a blur as he fucked me, I knew I should be grateful he wasn't cheating so I swallowed and kept my eyes shut. I didn't kiss him back and could feel him smiling against my shoulder where his face was buried. My body was limp and my heart raced in my chest._

 _"Love you, so beautiful Len." He gave me a large grin. "Don't you love me?_

 _"J-Jett." I rasped out. "Please."_

 _He tucked my hair behind my ear and rested his forehead on mine. "You're going to show me you love me. You want this, you wouldn't have dressed like this if you didn't." He ripped the neckline of my dress. "You've been teasing me all night."_

 _If I couldn't get him to stop I could at least get it over with faster. So I kissed him and wrapped my legs around him as tightly as I could. I was numb, grateful the drugs had dulled my senses._

 _"That's better, I fucking love you."_

 _"Love you too," I whispered, pulling his hair. Tears still slipped down face as I let him take advantage of me. "But s-stop."_

 _He shushed me and his hand went back over my mouth. My vision was blurred and everything was fading in and out as black spots appeared in front of me._

 _"I'll forget this tomorrow," I told myself as my eyes fell shut. "I won't remember this."_

 _This was reckless and meant to be fun and I wouldn't remember any of it. And then I passed out, Jett still grunting on top of me._

 _It was burned into my brain for the rest of my life._

And even if I hadn't remembered anything there would also be the video and the memory of the final remnants of that night that I lost a few weeks later. None of that mattered, all I had to do was search my name and there it was. The video of me getting fucked by Jett in the bathroom, drunk on vodka and Long Island Ice Teas. Jett's friends apparently had been in there and filmed the whole thing. It was meant to be a joke but after Jett and I got into a fight he had his friend sell the tape. And thus, the 'Jett incident' was born. The video had been picked up by a gossip website and everything happened quickly after that. Some of my younger fans stopped listening to my music, parents called for my label to drop me, I canceled my tour, and I became infamous. After realizing what bad press it was he dumped me, and gave me the silent treatment but wasn't shy about trashing me in the media. He said that he tried to tell me we shouldn't and acted like he was the victim. I had been too drunk to spell my own name let alone tell him I didn't think it was a good idea. The fans I had left defended me, but by then the frenzy was too much. I was branded "Eleawhore" by the media and told I should have been more careful. That it was my fault.

But what the public didn't see was the first half. The way he held me down, how he covered my mouth. They didn't see him wipe away my tears or hear me say no and call for help. It had been edited to look like a run of the mill sex tape. Like I had wanted to do it like he hadn't admitted to drugging me on video. Eventually, Jett was met with backlash because in an interview he said I deserved it because I was drunk. But no one cared, the damage had been done. There was no point in pressing charges everyone already had an opinion. It had been a year since that night and I hadn't forgotten.

And that's what brought me to today. I was trying to reinvent myself and make a comeback.

From where I was sitting I could see my reflection in the mirror above my TV. I looked at myself and sighed, I wasn't exactly what Big Time Rush's opening act normally looked like. I was mixed, my mom had been white and my dad was black so I was something in between. Their past opening acts had all been either white sweet pop stars or other smaller boy bands and both dressed a lot more modestly than I did.

"This isn't even what I would normally wear." I thought to myself. "It's just my brand."

It didn't come as a surprise that people thought I was easy. I sure did dress the part, my tight black skirt barely covered my thighs and I was in a small dark blue and pink floral tank top that let my chest fall out. The eye makeup I wore was shimmery and my dark hair hung down my back. But underneath the makeup, tight clothes and bitchy attitude, it was still just me. I smiled a little as I looked at my pale brown skin and dark eyes, I was still in there. Before I was Elle, Hollywood's latest wild child, I had been Eleanor the normal girl who just wanted to sing. I wasn't going to let my past with Jett or a tour mate let me forget that.

This is why I was touring with Big Time Rush, I had to redeem myself. I had to win people over again and prove I wasn't this awful party girl people assumed I was. I was just someone who got a little too drunk and made a bad choice with someone who didn't see he was taking advantage of me. It was why Kendall calling me those things struck such a nerve. It couldn't be further from the truth. Even though he was in the wrong I knew I had to be the bigger person.

I sighed as I pulled out my phone and the slip of paper with James' number.

"Hello?"

"Hey, James it's Elle."

"Damn you couldn't wait could you?"

I laughed. "No my manager is actually making me apologize to Kendall. Can I talk to him?"

"Really? He was being a dick to you though."

I rolled my eyes, someone understood. "Well if I don't want to look like a slut I have to be nice to you guys. And trust me I'm tired of looking like a slut. Can I talk to him?"

"Yeah, one sec."

I could hear mumbled voices in the background and a groan. Eventually, I heard a less than thrilled Kendall on the other end. "Hello?"

"Kendall it's me, I just uh wanted to apologize for earlier."

"Oh." He deadpanned. "It's a break from fucking Jett?"

"We're not even together anymore you asshole." I spat. "Besides who I fuck is none of your concern. Seriously you need to chill."

"I'll chill when you don't slut up our tour."

"The ink is drying on the contract, I'm here whether you like it or not Kendick." I scoffed in disgust. Either way, I'm not spending all summer defending myself to an uptight asshole."

Kendall muttered under his breath before speaking clearly. "There'd be nothing to defend if you weren't bad for our image, Eleawhore."

After the Jett incident, that was the name that stuck. It followed me like a dark cloud.

I just shook my head. "Oh because that's original. And if you hadn't been boring maybe I wouldn't have to help you get an audience that's actually your age."

"I don't have to be original the tabloids already have called you every name in the book."

"Then shouldn't it go without saying?" I rolled my eyes. When he didn't reply I continued, even more annoyed. "Well if my manager asks I apologized."

"Whatever." He muttered and then he added. "I'm sorry too."

There was fumbling on the other end and then James was back on.

"Elle, you still there?"

I shifted my weight. "Yeah, is he always a massive asshole who slut-shames your opening acts? Or is it just me?"

"I don't know why he's so bothered by you. Gustavo made him tack on that apology at the end, normally he's a pretty nice guy."

My stomach sank a little. "Oh, so it is me?"

James cleared his throat, not giving me a real answer. "The guys and I will talk to him if you want."

"No, no, I don't want to cause any more of a problem."

I already felt like enough of an outcast being on tour with a boy band and while the other guys seemed nice, I didn't want to cause a rift. But James stopped me before I could continue.

"Big Time Rush wants a more mature sound now that we're all in our 20's. It's a great idea to have you on tour. Carlos and Logan were grossed out by how shitty Kendall was too."

The anxious feeling I had dissipated a little bit. "Well, that means a lot to me thanks."

"So you aren't with Jett anymore. Are you seeing anyone?"

His question caught me off guard and I stammered. "No, I'm not. But I'm not really looking for anything serious right now."

James didn't seem to be affected by my answer and just laughed. "Alright, well at least we can annoy Kendall by hanging out."

Despite how upset Kendall had made me earlier I laughed back with James. "Oh of course."

We both were quiet for a moment before James spoke again.

"For what it's worth though I don't think you're a bad person or a slut or anything. I think you're really brave for doing this tour and getting back out there."

A genuine smile warmed my face. "Thanks, that's really nice of you."

"You're welcome. So I'll see you at rehearsal yeah?"

"Bright and early, talk to you later."

When I hung up I smiled maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. Regardless of Kendall and his fans being uneasy, I could do this and they wouldn't stop me.

"My past doesn't define me," I told myself as I looked at my reflection in the dark TV screen. "I'm not really like that."

Everything that had happened in the past was just that, the past and I wouldn't let it affect my future. No matter what.

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AN: The Jett incident has been revealed. Now you know why Elle is touring with the band. Will she ever get justice and do you think she and Kendall can come to an understanding? Please review and I'll see you soon! Thank you.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Hello. Thank you for the feedback on the last chapter appreciated it. I hope you enjoy chapter three and I'll see you soon. This chapter follows the first day of tour rehearsals and shows Elle and the guys getting closer. Please let me know what you think.

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It felt like my eyelids weighed 10 pounds each as I shuffled into Rocque Records. It was 8 am and the first day of tour rehearsals I wanted to get there early to make a good impression. I took my sunglasses off and smiled at Logan when I walked into the studio

"Morning."

"Hey." He waved happily. "You're here early."

"I could say the same, I just want to make a good impression." I sipped my coffee. "Where are the guys?"

Logan looked exasperated. "James is making an organic coffee run, Carlos went with him to get an energy drink and Kendall is sulking somewhere. So you know just a normal day at the office."

"It could be worse, they could be a washed up pop star." I joked, trying to ignore his comment about Kendall. "But having them in different places when they need to be here works too."

Logan scooted over so I could sit. "You're not washed up. Kendall was a dick to you, the guys and I are happy to have you here."

"Well tell that to Kendall. I think he missed the memo." I laughed, causing Logan to smile. "But seriously thank you for being so welcoming I appreciate it."

"Anytime, everyone makes mistakes right?"

I just gave him a tired smile and tried to wake myself up. It was nice to know that Logan, James, and Carlos had no issues with me being on tour and they recognized that Kendall was being rude. I took another drink letting the caffeine slowly wake me up. I scrolled through my ScuttleButter and sent some love to the fans who were excited about the tour. When I looked up a few minutes later, I saw James and Carlos walking in with a drink carrier full of coffees.

"Hey, guys."

"Morning." Carlos greeted through a large yawn.

James smiled. "Morning Elle."

"I see you found coffee." I joked pointing to the cups he was carrying. "Do you just not sleep?"

"Oh no, I was just feeling generous. Here's your tea grandpa." He handed one of the cups to Logan who shook his head.

"Billions of people prefer tea." He reminded taking the cup. "But thank you."

"One's mine and here's Kendall's. I bought you one too but I see you already have coffee." He said sheepishly. "I didn't know what to get you so I just picked something."

"I never say no to coffee, so I'll gladly take it off your hands." I took the iced coffee from the tray. "Thanks, James."

James winked back at me. "No problem, anytime."

"Oh, so he's getting you coffee now? What's next, a back rub?"

We all turned to see Kendall standing in the doorway looking irritated. It was too early for any of his petty drama so I just took a large drink and pointed to the last cup.

"He got you coffee."

Kendall took the cup from the table. "I'm his friend, there's a difference."

"So is she." James defended, pointing to me. "Give it a rest."

He just mumbled and sat across the room. I rolled my eyes at him before turning to the rest of the guys. They all seemed so nice, how did they spend time with Kendall willingly?

"So the fans seem pretty stoked for the tour," Carlos said excitedly. "You're going to be working on new stuff on the road right?"

"That's the plan. I have some stuff written already but I'm excited to see what Gustavo thinks of it. You guys are working on a new album too right?"

"The fifth one which is crazy. We've never recorded on the road before though." Logan answered. "We have a whole separate bus for it."

"I recorded my last album on tour. It's weird because when I listen back to the track all I can think of is where I was. It's nice though you can just get an idea down right then and there." As much as I loved performing, the actual songwriting was my favorite part. "We should work on something together, even if it's just for fun."

Before any of them could answer, Liz, Gustavo and Kelly came sweeping into the room.

"Good morning guys, it's nice to see you all here so early," Kelly said passing around a handout. "This is just a brief overview of what we hope to accomplish today."

I skimmed over the sheet and it was all fairly routine before tour stuff. The guys were going to approve some of the final stage designs and refresh their choreography. I was doing an album planning session with Gustavo and Liz. And the five of us were doing an interview to promote the tour and create some buzz. It was the last thing on the list that caught my eye.

Discuss duet and potential ideas.

"What duet is happening? I didn't know about this." I held up the sheet of paper.

Liz just looked smug. "Well, it's funny you mentioned working with the guys just now. I negotiated a duet for you to increase your exposure."

"And by negotiating she means I decided it was good for you and the dogs to have something to get fans excited while you record your albums." Gustavo corrected. "We want you and the hockeyheads to have something to sing on stage."

"So you and Kendall are going to be working on a new song together."

This was one of those moments that made me want to look around for hidden cameras. It was like a cheesy love story a fan would write. Boy meets girl, they hate each other, they sing a song and fall in love. This was bullshit. At the same time, Kendall and I both stood up and protested.

"Liz you can't be serious."

"Honestly, Gustavo why can't she just sing with one of them?"

Liz held up her hand. "Enough. After your little fight yesterday Gustavo and I decided we can't risk any bad media attention for either of you."

"So I have to sing with her?" Kendall questioned. "Why?"

"Simple," Gustavo explained. "It's known you don't like Jett, so in theory, you don't like her. Which apparently is true, and this will quell any rumors that may pop up if you two keep being rude to each to each other."

I wrinkled my nose. "Is anyone a fan of Jett though?"

"I'm not the one who fucked him on a bathroom sink," Kendall smirked. "Just saying."

"Not that it's any of your business," I muttered. "It was one time."

"Also you're the de facto leader of Big Time Rush. You're in a public relationship so we won't have to deal with any dating rumors between you two. We can just focus on your more mature sound and Elle's comeback."

As much as it sickened me, it wasn't the worst plan I had ever heard. Much of my last tour had been surrounded by rumors that I was dating Jett. Which of course had been true but it still took away focus from my album. I glanced over at Kendall who was pouting and looked at me like I was disease ridden.

"Dating rumors, why would I ever want to date her?"

"And who says I'd want to date you?" I shot back. "Don't flatter yourself."

Kendall narrowed his eyes. "You have a point, I've already seen your sex tape so there's really nothing left to see. Why would I need to date you?"

I didn't know what to say so I turned away. Having him see that he made me upset was the last thing I wanted, so I swallowed the lump in my throat and collected myself. Just as I turned back around I saw Carlos roll his eyes and shove him a bit.

"Seriously?" He questioned, raising his eyebrows.

Kendall just shrugged, so I decided to be professional.

"When do you want it done by? Are we writing it?"

Liz seemed secretly relieved that I hadn't snapped back at Kendall. If someone had to be an asshole it should be him, he was the one with the problem.

"Before the tour starts, and preferably in time to be recorded and released," Gustavo was seemingly unbothered by Kendall. "And you need to write most of it so it looks good for the media."

"But the studios get the final say in what the final product is," Liz interjected. "Something flirty, but not too flirty is what we're going for."

"We want it to be something you can sing in the car too. Perfect for the summer."

I nodded, already thinking of where I could go with this. I looked to Kendall who was irritated.

"Well if you want to sit down and talk about it let me know."

He squinted at me. "And why are you making all the decisions?"

"Because this is going on my album. I want it to be good." I explained coolly "And someone has to be a mature adult about this Kendall."

Kendall just grumbled and went back to where he was sitting. I gave them all a smile and acted like nothing had happened.

"I'll get you a rough draft in a few days."

Gustavo had agreed to help produce my album while we were on tour this summer. It was a beneficial arrangement for both of us, I was getting a big producer to help with my comeback. This would hopefully get my album more buzz and get people interested. In return, I had agreed to tour with Big Time Rush and help them find a more mature audience. It was about time too, they were all in their early 20s, the boy band thing was getting old. It had been Gustavo's idea to record on the road because I would perform new songs live. This would get more people to come to a concert and get people who couldn't, excited to buy the album to hear the studio version. I had been excited about this plan until Kendall reacted how he did. But having the rest of the guys be supportive made it better. It was just one tour and I'd do whatever it took to get back out there. Back to doing what I loved.

The day went smoothly after Kendall and I had argued. Luckily for me, the guys were spending most the morning with Kelly to go over the set designs. So I was free to plan and brainstorm my album with Gustavo and Liz. It felt good to be busy with something I loved. After the Jett incident, I had taken a hiatus from performing and writing. I had been too mortified to even think about being creative. Gustavo, despite being short-tempered around BTR, was actually pretty chill when it came to my album. We were all seated in Gustavo's office. The walls were black and a seemingly endless amount of awards lined the shelves behind him. Liz and I sat in front of his desk and I took down careful notes and ideas I had.

"Listen, it's no secret you can write songs." He started. "What direction are you thinking of going in?"

I cleared my throat nervously. "Well, maybe less of the party girl vibe and more mature. Still fun and everything just pulled back a little bit."

"Now Elle you know that pop dance music is the cornerstone of your fanbase. You can't abandon that." Liz reminded.

My heart sank a little, it was true what she said but I wanted to branch out. I blew my bangs out of my face and tried to reason with her.

"I know." I backpedaled a bit. "I'm just saying, what if I try to write more emotional songs? I won't make the whole album that but at least a few. I'm 22, I'm not 16 anymore. Besides I thought we were trying to redeem the 'wild child' image."

"Keyword: redeem not abandon. Listen, we'll see what happens on the road. If you come up with something really good, we'll see if we can make it work."

I scribbled on the edge of my notepad, this was Liz's way of saying it probably wouldn't happen. "Fine. So what are we doing about Kendall being a dick?"

"Elle!"

I just waved her off and locked eyes with Gustavo. "Well? I'm not dealing with his misogynistic crap all summer."

"You're not wrong. I'll say something to him and have the rest of the hockeyheads keep an eye on him." He bargained. "If it gets worse, I'll put something in his contract."

"Good." I was satisfied with this for the moment. "Now, how many songs am I writing on this album?"

Liz looked over her notes. "Most of them. Gustavo will assist and write the majority of one or two. But having your name in the songwriting credits is a big deal."

For once I felt genuinely happy. Liz was a good manager overall and was always willing to go to bat for me. It was just, that sometimes I got a little too much tough love her or she was too focused on profits and not the art.

"Sweet." I read through the bullet points I had jotted down. "So, I'm writing most of the album and getting a few emotional, real songs on the album?"

"And doing the duet with Kendall."

I rolled my eyes at this. "Fine, but I get an extra song that I want on the album no matter what."

Liz and Gustavo glanced at each other and then both groaned. "Fine, deal."

"Excellent." I grinned.

Finally having some say in what was happening with my career after 4 long years of being told what to sing and what to right felt liberating. If suffering through a duet with Kendall for one summer was what I had to do in order for my real voice to be heard I'd do it.

"You should get to the studio for a break soon. It's going to be short because Madison Michelle from Backstage Access is coming at 1."

After finishing up a few details I found my way back to the studio, happy to have a few minutes to decompress. Lunch was being catered so I made myself a plate and I found a seat between Carlos and Logan.

"So how's the stage looking?"

"Elle it's so sick," Carlos exclaimed through a mouth full of food.

"So is you talking with your mouth full." Logan grimaced. "But it is pretty sick, you should see the sketches when you have a chance."

It was weird to see a band who was so involved with everything from start to finish. Since signing with Condor Records 5 years ago, my life had been nothing but being told what to do and when to do it. Sure I wrote most of my songs but only after the label told me what to write about there was a clear formula to my albums. Two big pop numbers that would be singles, a handful of dance tracks about being drunk or partying, a breakup song even if I hadn't been seeing anyone and then one self-esteem boosting song. And there it was, an Elle Harper album, each one the same as the last. I was grateful for the chances I had been given, even if I felt stifled.

James sat across from me and grinned. "Hey, how the album planning go?"

"Pretty good, I think I talked Liz into letting me have more control over this album."

"That's awesome, I'm sure it'll be really good." He smirked a little. "And if you ever want to collaborate I'm always game."

I couldn't help but flirt back when Kendall walked in. "I'm sure we'd sound amazing together."

Kendall scowled. "Seriously, you're all over my friends now?"

Carlos put an arm around me. "Who says we're not all over her?"

"We know how to have a good time and she's giving us advice on how to sound more mature." Logan faked an innocent look. "She's full of good ideas."

The look on Kendall's face as his three bandmates and I joked around was priceless. I couldn't tell if he thought we were serious but having them stick up for me meant a lot. I winked at Logan and then looked back to Kendall who sat at the end of the table, looking frustrated. Soon we dissolved into laughter but I smiled to myself, they were all so nice to me, it was a change from everyone assuming I was easy because of what happened with Jett.

"We're bonding with our tourmate," James told Kendall a few minutes later. "You should too, we're spending the next four months with her."

Kendall just glanced at me and met my eye. "We're working on the song together, right?"

It was clear he wanted to say something more but he held back. I wondered if Liz and Gustavo had talked to him already. Surprised by his civility, I just gave him a thumbs up.

"Yeah. We should schedule some time to start working on it but we have a few weeks."

He stabbed at his food. "Just let me know."

There wasn't exactly enthusiasm in his voice but I would take forced professionalism over judgment any day. We finished our lunch and the other guys and I took the time to get to know each other. We had crossed paths at award shows and events but this was the first time we actually sat down and talked. They were all really nice and it turned out we had things in common, Carlos and I had the same tour habits and liked horror movies, Logan and I both kept a clean bus, and James and I both had a soft spot for older bands like the Beach Boys and Beatles. Getting to know them was nice, I had done tours with other artists who hadn't been the friendliest.

"So how did you get discovered anyway?" Carlos asked.

"I sent demos to almost every label when I was 16. Eventually, Dani, my label head, heard my demo and signed me. She took the label over from her dad and wanted more female artists. It's nothing too glamorous."

That was the glossed over version of what happened. The truth was I had come out here after bouncing around in foster homes for almost 5 years. My aunt had finally won custody of me and I lived with her. The situation had been only a slight improvement over foster care and I knew I wasn't going to be sticking around for it to get worse. So I had sent demos out hoping that somebody, anybody would sign me and get me out. It was why I was so willing to play along with the party girl image, it kept me on the label. But I wasn't ready to share those details just yet. I rubbed the back of my neck and switched the focus onto them.

"What about you guys?"

Logan sighed dramatically. "Well, James wanted to audition so we scrambled to where it was happening. He got nervous and made us go in front of him, Gustavo didn't like him. So Kendall stood up to him and he wanted to sign Kendall as a solo act. But he turned him down because he liked hockey better. James was pissed for days."

"And then," Carlos interrupted. "Kendall said he wouldn't go record demos unless Gustavo signed us as a group."

"So here we are years later. All thanks to Kendall being stubborn."

I raised an eyebrow and looked at them and then at Kendall. He was focused on his phone and I could picture him being stubborn but certainly not friendly.

"So let me get this straight. You all sing, play hockey and are hot and sometimes Kendall does something nice for other people?"

"Yes, yes, I'm definitely hot," James smirked at the at his answer. "Oh, and most of the time he isn't a total tool."

I looked back over at him. "You guys are just full of surprises."

* * *

"So this is just a quick interview to promote the tour and show all of you together," Kelly explained. "Madison Michele isn't that hard of an interviewer but keep it positive."

Kendall just nodded after receiving a pointed look. "Sure, whatever."

"Dude cheer up, we're going on tour." James' face was bright. "It'll be a good time."

We had moved into the studio and were waiting for Madison to show up. I was quiet as I adjusted the tight crop top Liz made me change into. I fixed my hair and touched up my makeup. I looked over my shoulder at the guys who hadn't needed to change and gave them a dramatic grin.

"Am I camera ready?"

Carlos teasingly gave a low whistle. "Most definitely."

"I think our audience will see that we're mature." Logan offered. "You look pretty."

I shook my head. "You're all too gentlemanly."

"Did you lose the bottom half of your shirt?"

Behind us, Kendall looked annoyed at his friends' flirting. He took a look at me and sneered a little.

"And then there's Kendall." I deadpanned. "Apparently I spoke too soon."

James snorted and pulled me to his side. "He's just jealous you're spending time with us."

"And why would I spend time with her? I like it when people have a brain in their head and can make an impression with their clothes on."

"I play two instruments and write all my own lyrics. I'm not an idiot." I snapped back. "And as for what I'm wearing, it shouldn't matter."

Kendall crossed the room and stared at me. "Oh because writing a song about being drunk is hard?"

"Don't act like you know the first thing about me. It's rude and you have no idea what you talking about you're a stranger."

He scanned my body and then back at my face. His eyes would have actually been a nice shade of green if they hadn't been full of disdain and judgment.

"Well let's keep it that way."

"Fine by me, Kendork."

An awkward silence hung in the air and no one said anything as I sat down on the far side of the couch. Logan sat next to me and gave me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

"You okay?"

"Fine, trust me. I've been called a lot worse, he's just irritating."

"You know I can hear you?"

"That's kind of the point." I shot back.

Before he could respond Madison Michele from Backstage Access walked in. Behind her, Liz gestured for me to smile. Despite my foul mood I perked up and shook her hand. I could be professional for 10 minutes it wouldn't kill me.

But apparently, professionalism was a death sentence to Kendall. He made a big deal about having to sit in the middle of the couch with me. I wasn't thrilled either but I knew it looked better for the optics. I was dead center between all four of them. Right between Kendall and Carlos. Once we had our microphones attached to our shirts and the cameras were rolling Madison turned to us.

"I'm Madison Michele and I'm here at Rocque Records for an exclusive sneak peek of the hottest tour of the summer. I'm here with Big Time Rush and their opening act Elle Harper. Hey guys."

We all said hello and Madison wasted no time looking through her note cards.

"When you announced this tour yesterday it's safe to say that people freaked out. Everyone at Backstage Access is a huge fan of both of you. But this is such an unusual pairing tell me how did you two touring together come about?"

"Well we're all big fans of Elle and our new album has a more mature sound to it," Logan replied, giving me a smile. "So it felt like a no-brainer to have Elle who has an older fanbase to join us."

Madison turned to me. "So you must be excited to be touring again. This is your first tour after your break early last year. How's it feel?"

"It's really exciting to get back out on the road. I've missed performing and my fans." I made sure to keep my tone bright and upbeat. "And touring with these guys doesn't hurt either."

James nodded and pointed to me. "Yeah having Elle on the tour is going to be really cool we're both going to be recording while we're on the road."

"Oh really? So we can expect new music from BTR and Elle Harper this summer?"

"Absolutely. We're going to be performing songs as we write them on the road." Carlos explained like Kelly had instructed him earlier. "So it's going to be new songs at different shows, fans who come to the shows will get an exclusive look at what we've been working on.

Behind Madison, I saw Gustavo look at Kendall and then point at me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kendall took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second before speaking up.

"And Elle and I are working on a duet that I think is going to be really good." He sounded excited and he smiled at me. "We can't wait for everyone to hear it."

Madison nodded, clearly oblivious to any tension between us.

"We're hoping you guys will hear it before tour starts. Kendall and I have been having so fun writing it, haven't we?" I gave him a sweet grin and batted my eyelashes. "He's such a nice guy to work with."

Kendall ground his teeth. "Yeah, Elle's great to work with. It's nice to see she still has talent left, especially after last year."

I was surprised he was this rude, but luckily Carlos threw an arm around me. My face was warm and I felt too embarrassed to look up from my lap.

"She's stuck with us for almost 50 tour dates." He said quickly. "Tickets go on sale next week on both of our websites, we want to sell out as many arenas as possible."

"Well, my fans are clearly going to buy more tickets than your fans." I taunted, hoping to keep the interview away from the topic of the Jett incident. "What do you think Madison?"

She looked at Kendall who seemed disinterested but then to me and Carlos.

"I'm on Team Elle for that one." She joked. "So all of you but Kendall are single can we expect a Big Time Romances between you and any of these guys?"

My face was pinched as I gave an uncomfortable laugh. Just because we were single and I did what I did with Jett, didn't mean I was constantly on the search for a guy. I almost said something snarky but Liz pretended to zip her lips, so I bit my tongue.

"Well." I chuckled, clearing my throat. "They're all really nice I'm not really looking for anything like that right now. But who knows what could happen?"

"We've all seen what she can do so it won't take long," Kendall muttered.

I shook my head trying not to elbow him in the ribs. I shifted and looked to Logan who was on the other side of Carlos and winked. "Although Madison, you might be onto something. They are pretty cute."

"So what does the first day of tour rehearsal include?" She didn't dwell on what Kendall said.

Thankfully the rest of the interview was more focused on the tour and not our personal lives.

"I spent the morning brainstorming some ideas about my album. And I'm going to try to figure out some lyrics later."

"And what are you guys up to?"

"We finalized the stage designs which was exciting," James answered. "And then after this, we're going to go over some dance moves."

"That sounds awesome. Now just one more question, what are you guys looking forward to this summer?"

"Getting back and seeing the fans is something I think we're all pretty excited about, right guys?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah, it's been awhile since we toured in the US so it'll be nice to see those fans," Carlos added on. "And we're working on a more mature sound so it will be exciting for them to hear it."

"And what about you Elle?"

I was silent for a moment trying to think of the best way to answer her question.

"Seeing the fans for sure. But I also think showing a different side of me is going to be a nice change of pace." I gave her an actual smile. "I think that I've grown a lot this past year and I want to share that."

She turned to the camera. "You've heard it here. It sounds like the Big Time Rush and Elle Harper tour is going to be the show of the summer. I'm Madison Michele and this is Backstage Access."

After the interview was over we took a picture with her and filmed a quick promo for the show's website. Once she was gone I turned to Kendall, letting my professional attitude fade.

"What the hell was that?" I demanded. "She still has talent left? It won't take long?"

Kendall gave me a large smile and stared at me with big eyes. When he placed his hand on my shoulder I took a step back.

"Kendall and I have been having so much fun." He mimicked, his voice was high pitched and he batted his eyes. "He's so great to work with."

"I was acting professional and acted like I don't think you're rude. It's called being an adult."

He huffed. "It just shows how fake you are. You were trying to make me look bad."

"Oh, and you didn't do the same thing to me? You know, believe it or not, I do have emotions."

"Fine, you want me to be professional? You can have it but don't drag the rest of us down when you mess something up again."

When he stormed out of the room I folded my arms across my chest and sniffed. This certainly was workplace harassment or at the very least completely unprofessional. All I had left to do today was work on song lyrics. I grabbed my bag and made a move to leave the room when James stepped in front of me.

"Come on where are you going?" His voice was soft.

"H-Home. I have to work on lyrics for that stupid fucking duet."

Logan looked out the door and then back at me. "He's being an asshole, we all saw it. It's wrong and disgusting and we're not okay with it."

"Why does he hate me?" I cringed at my own question, I sounded so sappy and dramatic. "Trust me I've heard worse from other people but it's annoying. Is it because of Jett? I know he hates him but we're two different people."

Carlos sighed. "Who the hell knows? Sometimes people rub him the wrong way at first. He's a good guy I swear but what he's doing is shitty. But please don't go, we all like you. We're excited to have you tour with us."

"He's right, Kendall will either warm up to you or not," James reassured me. "But either way he's not going to be an asshole to you around us."

"Thank you, guys. That really means a lot. I don't mean to be so dramatic about all of this." I said quickly. "I literally just want to tour and write this album, not cause drama."

"Kendall is the dramatic one," Logan promised. "You should stay and watch us dance. I bet you Kendall fucks up."

Half of my face pulled up into a smile. "That does sound pretty nice."

"See it'll be great. We can piss him off and show him we like you." James pulled me to his side. "And more importantly we can impress you."

As we walked into the dance studio I shook my head. "My heroes. However will I choose one of you?"

"Who says you have to choose?" Carlos smirked. "We do have all summer."

I gave a short laugh and shoved him. "Go dance so I can laugh at you guys."

They went to go stretch and I sat in the corner of the room. I watched them all for a few minutes as they went over a few steps with the instructor. But eventually I tuned out the music and I let my mind wander to this duet. The idea of having to sing with Kendall was disgusting but I sure as hell wasn't going to let him fuck up this song. If you wanted something done right you had to do it yourself.

"Flirty," I told myself. "Pretend it's not Kendall."

As I looked at him I could see why people thought he was attractive. He was tall, was decently fit and could sing. Of course, all of that was buried under his personality but it wasn't entirely unreasonable to think he wasn't ugly. He had nice eyes too but whenever he even so much as glanced in my direction they narrowed, full of judgment.

"You're a stranger but there's something in your eyes you act like you know me."

I jotted it down, it wasn't exactly comeback song material but I liked how it sounded. When I looked back up the guys were working on a foot shuffle. They were actually all good dancers, not that I was surprised but it came easily to them. I watched as they did at full tempo and Kendall tripped over his own feet.

I snorted and watched as he stumbled forward. I couldn't help but laugh, after dealing with his mood all day seeing him mess up was satisfying. He looked over and the corner of his mouth quirked up in a smile for a second before he rolled his eyes at me. I looked away for a second and then looked back, hoping to see it again. I caught him as he glanced over to see if I was watching. His face flushed and he went back to focusing on his feet.

Good, I thought. Let him be uncomfortable. I had just as much of a right to be on this tour as he did. I wasn't going to let a few comments and passing judgment stop me from doing what I enjoyed. He wasn't going to make me feel this way. AfterJett no one would ever make me feel weak or pathetic. Especially, not Kendall Knight.

* * *

AN:How will Elle and Kendall cope with their duet? What do you think of her growing friendship with BTR? The next chapter will follow a bit more of tour prep but the tour will start soon. This fic is a slow burn but starts picking up soon. I hope you enjoyed and leave some cool feedback. Thanks!


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Hello, thank you for the review and for all the new readers. To answer some questions, Katie is a minor character in this fic and Mrs. Knight may make an appearance soon. This chapter explores Kendall and Elle's working relationship and their duet. The tour starts soon so the story will be picking up after this chapter and chapter five. I hope you enjoy and please review! Thank you!

* * *

"So let me get this straight. You thought the way to Lucy Stone's heart was with light bulbs and extension cords?" I laughed, holding my sides. "And you really thought you were going to hook up after bringing those to her apartment?"

"Listen at the time she was the only hot, single girl at the Palmwoods," James explained, holding his hands up in defense. "I would have done just about anything to hook up, I was 18.

"And you did," Carlos grumbled next to him. "I was in the friend zone."

Logan shook his head. "So was James at first. Remember her date with Kendall?"

My head turned so fast to look at Kendall I almost broke my neck. "Woah, wait, really? He dated Lucy 'smokes pot, has sex and doesn't care what anyone thinks' Stone. But I'm a problem?"

"She was out of his league and went back to Jo the second she got back from New Zealand." Katie shrugged and nodded to her brother. "Ask him when he comes out of the booth."

Katie was visiting the studio to convince Griffin to let her work for the record label. She was much better company than her brother was. The first words out of her mouth to me was how much she was looking forward to my new music. If she knew that her brother was a misogynistic jerk she didn't say anything.

It was two weeks before the tour and I had been bonding with the guys. The four of us had become close in such a short amount of time, we got on great. Kendall was still less than thrilled but thankfully we started to tolerate each other a little more. We had all been busy doing photo shoots and recording a few demos for the tour. The guys were working on their single that would be put out before we started traveling. The duet Kendall and I were supposed to be writing was coming along slowly. But we were finally sitting down to work on it tonight. When he came out of the booth and into the room the guys snickered and elbowed me.

"Hey Kendall, I have a question." I tried to keep my voice even.

"What's up?"

"What happened with you and Lucy Stone?"

He raised his eyebrows and looked at his friends. "What's it to you?"

"Nothing." I tried to sound uninterested. "It just seems weird."

Kendall looked offended. "Why's that?"

"She's just so badass and you're so-" I trailed off and James laughed.

"So what?" He demanded.

"I think she means boring." Carlos finished.

"Did you know she wrote You Dumped Me For Her about Kendall?" Katie asked me.

"No way, really?"

"Katie, mind your own business." He just shook his head and then glared at me. "It was half a date and it barely counts."

"I don't know Kendall maybe you're not as boring as I thought," I smirked. "After all, she's hot and it's a good song."

This seemed to be enough for Kendall because he grabbed his phone and left the room. Katie quickly climbed to her feet.

"I have to bribe him into getting me a meeting with Griffin, or at least Gustavo. See you guys later." She called over her shoulder and gave me a wave. "Nice meeting you finally!"

Once they left Carlos put his arm around my shoulder and laughed.

"That was awkward. But definitely worth it to see the look on his face."

"I don't know I just don't see how he would date someone like her," I questioned. "If he thinks dating Jett makes me an awful person what does he think of her?"

James just stared at me, in disbelief. "Have you seen her? She's hot and talented."

"Well, you're not wrong." I agreed. "If Jett wasn't constantly talking about Jo or Heather Fox he talked about her."

The door opened and I turned, expecting to see Kendall but it was Kelly.

"Gustavo says you guys are free for the night but you have to come back at 9 tomorrow." She smiled sweetly. "Elle, he and Liz wanted me to remind you that the duet with Kendall needs to be written.

I groaned and stared at the ceiling. "I know, I know. We're working on it tonight."

"Good luck, don't let him be an asshole to you." Logan reminded me. "It's going on your album, not ours."

We walked out into the lobby. "I know. His sister is so much nicer, too bad _she's_ not the one in the band."

"She has her moments, his mom would probably ground him if she heard him speak to you." Carlos agreed. "Don't kill each other."

"No promises," I muttered. "See you guys later."

James gave me a small wave and then they disappeared down the long hallway. Once they were gone I let out a long breath and ran my hand through my hair. All I wanted to do was slip out for a smoke. It was a disgusting unhealthy habit and I had been trying to quit but this duet was stressing me out. Not only because I was working on it with Kendall, but also because it was the first song I'd be putting out since taking a break from music after the Jett incident. A cigarette sounded great and I knew it would help me relax but Kendall would probably be a dick about it. I rolled my eyes and weighed the pros and cons of just writing it all myself. I was figuring out how to explain why I didn't work with Kendall to Gustavo and Liz when a tap on my shoulder made me jump. When I turned, Kendall waved awkwardly.

"So are we working on this tonight or not?"

"Yeah," I answered begrudgingly. "We probably should."

"Don't sound so excited." He grumbled sarcastically.

Instantly I was irritated. "Well excuse me for not wanting to spend all night with you."

"And what's wrong with spending time with me?"

"Well you're an asshole for one, two we have to finish this song in time to release it and finally you're still an asshole."

"I wouldn't be an asshole if you weren't such a bitch."

My head already throbbed, so I pushed past him. "You know what we don't have time for this. It's late, let's just get this over with."

I followed Kendall into one of the recording rooms and set myself up on the in the corner. My guitar leaned against the couch and I had a notepad on the table. Kendall sat in a chair and rested his chin in his hand, I was quiet as I tuned my guitar. This was the most time I had spent alone with Kendall and it was uncomfortable. There wasn't much of a conversation to be had with someone who thought you were a whore. But I knew I couldn't avoid doing this forever, we had a deadline.

"So." I began uneasily. "Gustavo and Liz want something upbeat and fun."

He nodded "And something that can be sung in the car."

I looked through the ideas I had. I had only managed to come up with bits and pieces of lyrics and chords. Normally I could get a rough draft of something down quickly. But this was proving to be difficult, I pointed to something I had jotted down.

"I had an idea about that. I think it should be something the audience can sing along with. You know how in Windows Down you guys go 'Woohoo'?" I asked, mimicking the song. "I was thinking of something like that."

He shrugged and a small smirk hung from his lips. "You know our songs?"

I rolled my eyes. Of course, he wouldn't take this seriously. "I do my homework, I like to know who I'm opening for."

"I like the idea. Maybe it could go 'Oh, whoa, oh,' or something like that."

"It's catchy. Now they said something flirty, I was thinking of when you first meet someone and you click and there's this back and forth." I explained, uncapping my pen. "But it can't be dirty."

Kendall stretched and rested his arms behind his head. "Um, maybe it could be about the unexpected like you have no idea who this person is or what could happen."

I tried not to notice how ironic it was that Kendall mentioned not really knowing who someone was. I just played around with some chords.

"Anything can happen on a night like this oh, whoa, oh." I sang this a few times, trying to figure out the speed.

Kendall tapped his foot and sang it back to me. "It could be a song about a one night stand or a brief connection."

I nodded but tried to figure out the flow of the song. It felt like it should tell a story and not just have a generic message.

"Let's make it about what each person wants to happen," I suggested. "What the guy wants and what the girl wants and how they spend their night."

Kendall didn't seem to hate this idea. "Maybe they meet somewhere randomly like they just happen to be in the same place."

"Maybe we should share the night. You know like whatever happens they're in it together?"

He was quiet for a minute. "Or 'maybe we should share a ride' like a cab or something. It takes place in the car, this way the singing in the car part writes itself."

A lightbulb went off and the word came out quickly. "Yeah! They're going the same place so maybe they should share a ride. It's good it makes things feel urgent because the ride won't last all night."

"Well, this ride is almost over." He wrote down quickly. "And if I had it my way we would just stay up all night."

"That should be near the end. It should be a story arc, it starts with them meeting, then they share the ride and don't want it to end."

Kendall was quiet for a few minutes, fully absorbed in whatever he was writing. I slowly plucked out a few chords, trying to figure out how fast the song should be. I decided the anything can happen part should be in the chorus. I strummed for a bit and sang under my breath.

"If you're going my way maybe we should share a ride, oh whoa, oh. Anything can happen on a night like this."

It sounded good so far but it was only a few lines. I tried out a few combinations of chords and looked up hoping an idea would come to me; when I looked over at Kendall he was watching me. He gave me the faintest of smiles before looking away. My fingers slipped on the strings and a harsh sound came from the guitar. Kendall laughed and my face warmed.

"Perfect that's it. Song of the year, call Gustavo." He joked a smile was still on his face. "Our work is done here."

I laughed back and tightened the string. "Oh, he has jokes?"

"Elle, I'm full of jokes you just don't hear them."

We both laughed and I was surprised that he wasn't acting like a dick. It was refreshing to not be on edge all of the time even if it was just for a moment. I fiddled with my guitar pick and nodded to his paper.

"Did you come up with anything?"

"Met you when my heart was somewhere else, I saw you smiling, the stories you could." He cleared his throat. "And 'I wouldn't mind if we caught every red light' to go with the whole car ride angle."

I raised my eyebrows and shrugged. They weren't bad lyrics I was surprised, for such a shitty person he wasn't awful at songwriting. He shifted in his seat and waited for me to say something.

"Uh, they're good. Maybe we could start with the first line it sounds like an intro." I wrote it down. "And the second line could be in the middle."

Kendall agreed and stood up from his chair. "I need a break. It doesn't have to be too long."

I dropped my pen, even though I wasn't as stressed a cigarette still sounded good. "15 minutes?"

"Sure."

He left the room and I went into the other lounge to where my bag was. It wasn't going as badly as I had predicted. Especially now that we had started, we still had no chorus and less and one full verse but I like where it was going. He wasn't a bad songwriting partner but it still awkward to be working with him. I tried not to think about deadlines or Kendall as I grabbed my bag. I pulled a cigarette and my lighter out of the carton and went downstairs. I took a long drag and sighed contently as I slipped out the back door. I groaned when I saw that it was raining.

"Fuck my life," I muttered taking another puff. "Great."

"It's dry right here."

I jumped at the sound of Kendall's voice and turned to see him leaning against the edge of the building. I was surprised to see him, he had his phone in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I stood next to him, avoiding the rain. We were hidden away at the back of the building, near the steps. Above us, there were large posters of boy bands pasts and present.

"Since when do you smoke?" I snorted. "Isn't it bad for your boyband image?"

Kendall gave a half shrug, smoke drifting from his mouth. "I never said I was a saint. And I could ask you the same question, you smoke?"

I looked down at my shoes, scuffing one across the pavement. "After dating someone like Jett, who constantly got high and partied most of the time instead of going on dates some habits linger."

Instead of saying something shitty, he chuckled, blowing smoke. "I started last year on tour, it was getting stressful and I just picked it up."

"I literally had no idea," I replied genuinely.

"Yeah because Gustavo and Kelly make me hide it." He explained, sounding a little bitter. "I'm almost 23 but apparently smoking is too mature for a boy band."

I just hummed and smirked. "Good thing I'm here to help the band mature their image. Your sister seems nice by the way."

"Don't tell her, she and mom would kill me." For once, his smile was genuine. "But yeah, she's awesome. She's actually a big fan of yours, she was trying to play it cool."

"I'm glad one of the Knight siblings likes me." I joked, letting out a mouthful of smoke. "Maybe she'll rub off on you."

"Don't hold your breath." His words were harsh but I saw him trying to hold back a smirk.

He rested his head against the wall and we smoked in silence. I watched as the rain fell, appreciating the white noise. It was almost peaceful back here and I felt relaxed.

"This is a good spot," I told Kendall, smoke curling from my lips. "Calming."

"Yeah it is, but sometimes I wonder if it's worth it though." He exhaled. "Having to hide out back somewhere and eventually dying from the chemicals."

I took a long drag. "Everything that's enjoyable hurts us eventually. Smoking, drinking, people we love. So I'd rather just enjoy it for now."

"The song sounds good." He said after a minute. "What am I going to sing?"

"I was thinking about that, maybe it could be back and forth. Like when you are into someone and you flirt and it comes easily."

He gave me a once over, the corner of his mouth quirked up. "You're good at that aren't you? You hang all over my friends and I see how they look at you."

Just like that any respect Kendall may have earned back vanished, I made a disgusted sound and stepped away.

"Why are you like that?" I asked.

"Like what?"

"Like this." I gestured to his smirking face. "You always assume I'm this slut who sleeps with everyone I meet."

"You don't exactly deny it and we've all seen the video."

I flicked ashes from my cigarette, anger rose in my chest. "That video was filmed without my permission it's not like sex only happens when it's filmed. I'm not going to deny something that was shared online. You're sickening, are you also the same kind of guy who says a girl shouldn't have worn something if she didn't want to get assaulted?"

He wrinkled his nose. "Of course not. You just act like you're better than everyone else."

"No I don't and if you feel like that, it's _your_ issue, not mine." I avoided his eye, my voice shaking. "It's hard to feel superior to anyone when you get called a whore every day or parents don't let their kids listen to your album. But it's especially hard when some childish, sexist, guy you're supposed to be working with reminds you every second of what happened to you."

My body buzzed with anger, I had really thought we had reached an understanding. I knew damn well we'd never be friends. But I thought touring together and writing this song together would cause mutual respect. But I was clearly wrong because we were still exactly where we had started. I rolled my eyes and took a long drag. He ran a hand across his forehead and then through his hair, he sighed.

"Look you seem like a nice person. My friends like you and are having fun. It's just-" He looked around as if searching for words. "You rub me the wrong way."

Despite myself, I sniffed and joked. "Well if I was the slut you think I am I'd offer to rub you the right way."

When Kendall saw my small smile he laughed nervously. "I don't think Jo would appreciate that. But thanks for the offer."

We both put out our cigarettes, and in some weird attempt at redeeming himself, he opened the door for me. We walked towards the elevators in silence and Kendall shuffled next to me, keeping his distance. The ride was quiet but he turned to me as we walked back into our writing room.

"You know, you're not as awful as I thought you were." He admitted quietly. "I was an asshole and misjudged you."

I sat on the couch. "Yeah, you did."

"I'm sorry. We might not get along but I shouldn't act like I know who you are when I've haven't made any effort to."

His apology didn't erase how he had treated me but it certainly helped. His words resonated and I flipped through my pages of lyric ideas.

"I wrote something about that the other day." I held up the page. "About how you were acting."

Kendall was red and sat down on the other end of the couch. "You did?"

"You're a stranger but there's something in your eyes." I read. "Like you know me."

"Could I?" He asked honestly. "Could I know you?"

He stared at me and for the first time, it was like he was looking at me and not who I was onstage or in that video. I looked back at him for just a moment before looking away, my focus shifted to the song.

"It should be a conversation." My words came out rushed. "Just like that, how you asked me a question."

Kendall blinked slowly, whatever he had been thinking had vanished "Yeah that's a good idea."

We worked together passing lyric ideas back and forth for a while and it was coming along. Kendall was good at coming up with things on the spot.

He looked up from his notes. "I was thinking about this when we were outside. What if they figure out they're going to the same place after they meet. Just like we said but we could add that to the song so it would be a conversation."

I tapped out a steady beat on the body of my guitar. "It's so hard to find a ride at midnight on Friday."

"Where are you headed?" He asked.

"Downtown." I pointed to him and nodded.

"So am I."

I wrote it down and grinned. "It's good I like the back and forth."

He read over the lyrics and I could see the gears turning. "Oh! Maybe the guy could say 'stand right here where it's dry and if you're going my way'-"

"Maybe we should share a ride." I finished for him. "And then it could go into the chorus."

Kendall had moved onto the couch so he could look over everything that was written. He cracked a small smile. "Well, now we just need the chorus."

I rested my head on the back of the couch. "It should be kind of sexy."

"That feeling when you want to make a move could be good. Liz said not too sexy, right?"

Sitting up, I saw that he had scooted a bit closer. "Yeah, I like the idea though."

"I could feel my heartbeat, electric to my fingertips." He sang softly. "Oh, whoa, oh."

I scribbled it down and gave him a cautious smile, just because he could write a song didn't mean he hadn't acted like a jerk towards me. I read the lyrics a few times and then timidly tested out some of my own.

"I could feel anticipation through my veins, oh, whoa, oh." My voice came out quietly.

He jotted them down and then he glanced back up at me his words came out quickly. "I could almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips."

My eyes flashed around the room uncomfortably. "Anything can happen on a night like this, on a night like this."

"This should be the height of the song, the most tension, you know?" He suggested, taking note of what we came up with. "Put it towards the end, so people wonder if they get together or not."

"We're almost finished." I sighed in relief. "I was getting nervous it wouldn't be done in time. We just have to work out the bridge."

"Any ideas?"

"A few," I answered, I had written a few ideas last week that seemed to fit. "These were just some lines that came to me the other day, I like them I think they might fight here."

Kendall just waved his hand, encouraging me to test them out.

"Our hands fit just the right way, our legs tangled up in the small space." I read them off the page.

"The world outside feels far away as I get to know you." Kendall improvised, his eyes staring into mine.

I turned my head, away from his gaze. "Let's try the chorus altogether."

Kendall smiled at me as we looked over the pages spread out on the table. He gently tapped out a rhythm on the couch, his fingers brushed against my thigh as I played.

"I could feel my heartbeat, electric to my fingertips. Oh, whoa, oh." I tested, playing the chords I worked out earlier.

He was close to me as he sang, his voice came out shaky. "I could feel the anticipation through my veins. Oh, whoa, oh."

"I could almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips." He slowed, his eyes moving down to my mouth.

We stared at each other for a long moment, he let out a slow breath and I stilled. His hand was still near my thigh and I felt my face flush at his touch. Kendall was tense as he swallowed hard. Quickly, I cleared my throat.

"'Cause anything can happen on a night like this." I finished the line.

Kendall blinked and let out a nervous laugh. "I-It's good."

"I think so too." My hands shook slightly.

He gestured to the paper on the table. "Not bad for a washed-up, naked, pop star."

His tone wasn't playful like it had been earlier and the smile he had was replaced with a sneer. The tension we had just felt was gone, in its place was frustration and hurt.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded with my hands on my hips. "Washed up?"

"It just means I didn't expect someone like you, someone so easy to get into bed, to have enough of a brain to write a good song."

Anger crossed over my features. "Way to be a sexist pig, great job. Just when I thought you weren't entirely disgusting."

Kendall seemed to realize how close he was sitting because he stood up. "Whatever, just let me know when I have to record."

And with that, he grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the room. As I watched him leave I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding. I had truly believed we had been making progress, starting to understand one another. But apparently I was wrong, he would never be able to look past the Jett incident or the persona I had. There was no point in even trying.

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AN: Well that was chapter four and we saw Kendall and Elle spend some real time together and they got to know each other better. Next time we'll see them try out their new song for Gustavo and the drama kicks up a bit. The tour starts soon, there's good stuff to come, so stick around! I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you soon with chapter five. Please leave a review with any questions you have! The song they sang is Anything Can Happen by Hilary Duff featuring Kendall Schimdt from Big Time Rush, in real life! Now you see where the title came from!


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Hello! Happy Big Time Tuesday. Here is chapter five of this story. It follows Elle and Kendall playing their song for Gustavo. You'll also see that they grow a bit closer and make amends from the night before. Elle also grows closer to the rest of BTR. The next chapter is the official start of the tour and character from Elle's past makes an appearance! Thank you for your review last time Ethan. I will be updating the week after next around 6:30 EST. For now, I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you liked. See you soon!

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When I walked into the studio the next morning I wasn't surprised to see that I was the first one there. If I had learned anything in the past two weeks it was that the guys were not morning people. Anything before 9 AM was considered torture, even more so on a Saturday. But I didn't necessarily mind being alone right now, especially after last night. Kendall and I had stayed late to work on our song and it turned out he wasn't a complete jerk. It felt like we had really made a connection for a minute until he called me washed up and walked out. The sudden shifts in mood weren't new but it had been surprising. For both our sakes, but mostly for mine, I stayed late and put our song in some semblance of order and made a copy for him. That way it wasn't a collection of lyrics on different pages. And so we had something to show Gustavo and Liz. I put my guitar case down and made myself comfortable.

The song was good and I had to hand it to him when he wasn't too busy being an ass he could write. The song was flirty and if I heard it on the radio I would sing along. I couldn't help but wish that I was singing it with Logan, James or Carlos. The idea of doing anything that had Kendall and flirty in the same sentence made me want to crawl into a hole and die. The only good thing was writing it was the hardest part and it was almost done. I added an introduction and worked out the chords. So all we had left to do was figure out who sang what and hope Gustavo liked it. From there we would record it, probably film a video and then I would have to sing with him. He may be a dick but I could tolerate four minutes on stage every night. But for right now I just wanted to be alone. When he walked into the studio my mood dropped pretty quickly.

"Morning." He greeted quietly.

Kendall had a guitar case in one hand and a drink carrier in the other. His blonde hair was swept underneath a gray beanie and the green Minnesota Wilds hoodie he had on made his eyes even brighter. Like I said before, if he wasn't so awful he would be attractive.

"Hey," I called back.

He sat down his stuff and held out an iced coffee to me. I raised an eyebrow and took it from him.

"You bought me coffee?" I questioned, mocking him from the other day. "What's next, a back rub?"

He looked embarrassed. "I bought it to make up for being a dick last night."

I eyed it suspiciously. "Really? You didn't spit in it, or poison it?"

"For fuck's sake." He grumbled, taking it back. He popped off the lid and took a sip. "Happy now?"

After waiting a moment I stuck the straw in and took a drink. "Thanks, I guess. Although I still don't understand why you were such an asshole."

"I was tired and sometimes I speak before I think." He pointed to the pages on the table. "It's a really good song, I mean it."

"Thanks. I mean you helped and you're not the worst songwriter I've ever worked with." I admitted this begrudgingly. "So kudos to you too."

Kendall gave a shy smile. "Uh, thanks. I do most of the writing for Big Time Rush, the guys help but I write a lot."

"Well, you write better than you dance."

You're not wrong." Even though he looked irritated I could hear the laughter in his voice.

I looked at the time. "We have a while until the guys come in. I think I finished the song last night after you left."

He sat down next to me and picked up the copy I had made him. He sipped his coffee as he scanned the page, his face was hard to read. I anxiously played with my fingers as I waited for him to finish.

"I think you're right. Gustavo might want to clean some stuff up but I think it's going to be big." He turned the page towards me. "What am I going to sing?"

"We said it was a conversation right?" I began and then circled some of the lines with a red pen. "I think these lines should be yours in red and these should be mine in blue. And then we go into the chorus together. But we can see how it sounds obviously."

Kendall agreed. "Yeah, it flows. You did a good job."

A small smile formed on my face. "Thanks."

He took his guitar from his case and tuned it. It was quiet for a few minutes as I outlined our parts of the song in different colors. I stifled a yawn and took another sip of coffee. Even though I was grateful for the extra caffeine it was strange that Kendall bought me a drink. He had acted like James bringing me one was the end of the world. Kendall's voice snapped me from my thoughts.

"Do you want to go over it before Gustavo and Liz get here?"

"We probably should." I picked up my guitar and positioned myself on the edge of the couch. "Do you know the chords?"

Kendall held up a sheet of paper. "I think I got most of them down last night."

For all of his shitty qualities, I had to hand it to him. Musically, Kendall was actually talented, he could write lyrics and pick out chords by ear.

"Let's just go slow so we can see if the lyrics sound good."

Kendall and I both started playing. Even at half speed it made me want to dance, playing with someone else was a change and I liked it. Our voices sounded good together even if we didn't like each other there was no denying it, we had written a good song.

"I could feel my heartbeat, electric to my fingertips. Oh, whoa, oh. I could feel anticipation through my veins. Oh, whoa, oh." We sang together once we reached the chorus. "I could almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips."

Luckily Kendall wasn't as obviously uncomfortable as he was yesterday. His eyes didn't meet mine as he focused on the chords. His voice was smooth and the song sounded good coming from him.

"Cause anything could happen on a night like this."

We sang it through twice, tweaking any lyrics that sounded choppy and Kendall came up with this nice interlude before the bridge. Watching him play was relaxing, he didn't try too hard like he normally did. I wrote down the chords and some notes about how I thought it should sound when we recorded it. An hour later I sat back on the couch and sighed. A sense of relief and excitement washed over me, the way it always did when I finished a song. I just hoped Gustavo and the fans would like it.

"Why don't you play on stage?" Kendall asked out of nowhere. "I mean I had no idea you could play."

I rolled my eyes thinking of Liz. "Because I can't dance with it and no one is going to pay money to see me standing there playing guitar. Those are Liz's exact words."

"Well, that's shitty because you're good." He offered. "I mean you can dance too but you play well."

"Thanks." I paused a minute, smiling to myself. "Maybe you should play guitar more often so you don't have to stumble around the stage."

Kendall cracked a smile. "I'm not that bad."

"Oh yes, you are. Remind me to film your next practice, you have to see it for yourself."

He laughed. "You're on."

We both chuckled and looked up when a chorus of voices came through the door. The guys walked in, looking tired but excited.

"Hey, you didn't kill each other," Carlos exclaimed instead of saying good morning. "I'm proud of you."

"Yeah, bloodshed would be a terrible way to start the tour." James sat between me and Kendall and draped an arm around me. "And a waste of a pretty face."

My face warmed. "Hey, James."

"How's the song?" Logan asked, eyeing the paper on the table.

"Fine. It's done." Kendall's voice was cold, hard, and different than how it had been just a moment ago. "Gustavo better like it."

"Can we hear it?"

Carlos' eyebrows were raised and he gave me a hopeful look. I smiled coyly and put the lyrics in a neat stack.

"You'll just have to wait. But it's really good, I think you'll like it."

James pulled me in closer. "I'm sure it is."

Next to him, Kendall sighed and pushed himself off of the couch, breezing out of the room. Once he left James seemed irritated.

"So was he any help?"

I played with my fingers and shrugged. "Yeah, he was actually really helpful. We argued a bit last night but we worked it out."

"Well, I'm sure everyone will like it." Logan encouraged.

I thanked him just as Liz came in, looking polished and put together even on the weekend. As usual, she was on her phone, looking over the schedule for the day.

"Morning. Let's get started shall we?" She asked, before continuing. "You have stage outfits to try on and approve. And please tell me you have this song started, we have a deadline."

"Liz." I cut her off gently. "It's done, don't worry. I finished it last night with Kendall."

She looked relieved. "Good, good. Gustavo is busy with the touring company, finalizing the venues and whatnot. So if you could try these outfits it would make my life so much easier."

I laughed, standing up. "I aim to please."

Liz shook her head. "Oh do you? You might want to try a little harder."

"You wish," I called over my shoulder as I left the room.

The past year had shown me who my real friends were. No one wanted to be attached to a sinking ship so I lost people I thought were my friends. But Liz was always there, she was like the older sister I never had. She deserved a sainthood for putting up with me and my antics. I knew she always had my best interest at heart. Which is why I was a little disappointed when I squeezed into an outfit for the tour. It was a tight black bodysuit with sequins. It left nothing to the imagination and sheer cutouts showed off my sides.

"Liz?" I asked, sticking my head out of the dressing room.

She looked away from the screen. "Hmm?"

"Didn't we talk about toning down the outfits?" I questioned slowly, wringing my hands. "Isn't that part of the plan?"

"You have diehard fans who are expecting the old Elle buying tickets too." She explained slowly in a tone that always made me feel like a child. "We want to cater to them but also the new ones. So it's a bit of a mix."

There was nothing I could say to get out of this so I shut the door and pulled on the next one. This option was a little better. It was a romper, the deep green color looked good against my darker skin. It was low cut but at least I was covered. I put this one in the keep pile. After trying on tight bodysuit after tight bodysuit. I ran a hand over my face. Most of these were just glorified lingerie, I put the better ones in the pile. The skimpy ones went back on the rack, I hoped they would go unnoticed. A few of them were really well made so I decided I'd wear them even if I wasn't completely sold on the idea. I had just wriggled into a gold-colored one that I really liked despite the fact that my chest hung out. There was a sharp knock on the door and Liz stuck her head in.

"Gustavo is here, he wants to hear the song. He's impatient." She looked at my one piece. "You look good. Very mature."

"Thanks." My tone was flat as I walked through the office to grab my guitar.

When I walked into the recording studio I saw the guys had tried on some outfits too. They looked good, it was streetwear, and they all had on snapback hats with their initials on them. The outfits were black and white. What made it better was the fact that they were all in shape. So it looked like they had just walked out of a magazine.

"Where's Gustavo?" I asked, causing them to turn. "And Kendall?"

"Oh, he's- well hello there." James stopped mid-sentence, a stupid smile bloomed on his face.

"Elle you look, uh." Logan stammered looking for the right word and I shook my head. "Different, it's nice."

"That's what happens when you don't get to make any outfit choices," I grumbled, tugging on the tight fabric. "At least you guys look normal. I'm one pair of clear heels away from pole dancing."

Carlos cleared his throat. "You look hot, er, great, I mean not that you don't normally but it's not bad."

I pretended to be annoyed and smiled playfully. "You look good too, not like a boy band."

"So this is the part when you finally get naked?" Kendall smirked walking past me, guitar in hand. "What's next, sex in public?"

I turned, hand on my hip. "Why do you just materialize out of nowhere to say something shitty? Is it a disease or something?"

"It's true, and have you seen yourself?" He stared me down, towering over me. I scrunched my nose in disgust when his eyes lingered on my cleavage. "Is your disease being allergic to clothes?"

He was close to me so I took a step forward, reaching up so I could speak into his ear. "If you like what you see Kendall just say it. You don't have to act like a child."

Kendall took a step back he looked offended. "No. Trust me I've seen it and I'm good. I just don't think our fans and their parents will appreciate it."

"Good thing you want a bigger fan base with an older audience then." Liz reminded sharply, following Gustavo and Kelly into the room.

Liz and I shared a look of understanding and I mouthed thank you to her. Logan tapped me on the shoulder and held out his jacket. I slipped it on, grateful to be less exposed.

As they sat down I leaned over to Kendall and hissed in his ear.

"You better not fuck this up. I'm not writing another song with you."

He stared back innocently. "I'll leave the fucking to you."

"So Gustavo, we finished the song last night." I began, trying to maintain my professional attitude. "We worked out some chords too."

His expression was unreadable behind his large sunglasses. "Okay let's hear it."

I counted us in and we both started playing the chords, I tapped my foot to stay on beat and focused only on selling the song to Gustavo.

"I've been watching the phases of the moon, from my window pane. I've been talking to the corners of the room for too long, too long."

"Met you when my heart was somewhere else, outside in the rain." Kendall began. "Saw you smiling, the stories you could tell, have you moved on?"

"It so hard to get a cab at midnight on Friday."

Kendall turned to me. "Where ya going?"

"Downtown."

"So am I." He smiled. "Stand right here where it's dry and if you're going my way-"

"Maybe we should share a ride." I finished the line, I returned his fake smile.

I clapped twice on the beat and went back to playing. I swayed as we went into the chorus, I made sure to give Gustavo and Liz a grin. They were both hard to read.

"I could feel my heartbeat, electric to my fingertips. Oh, whoa, oh. I could feel anticipation through my veins. Oh, whoa, oh." Our voices blended together well and I noticed the guys were nodding along. "I could almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips."

Kendall's eyes didn't meet mine. "Cause anything could happen on a night like this."

I snuck a quick glance at Liz who gestured for me to step closer to Kendall. I almost rolled my eyes but moved a bit closer so it looked like he didn't disgust me. He seemed to pick up on this and moved in too.

"Wouldn't mind if we caught every red light, you're someone I could get close to."

I made a point to focus on his face during this next line, hoping he'd understand.

"You're a stranger but there's something in your eyes. Like you know me."

"Could I know you?" His smug look faltered for a second. "Well, I never fell in love at midnight on Friday."

"Standing outside." I started the line.

And he finished, going back and forth like we planned. "Of town."

"In the rain." This was going better than I thought it would.

"Well this ride is almost over, but if I had it my way. We would just stay up all night."

He acted like he was excited about singing with me as we repeated the chorus again. We both clapped twice and this made me actually smile. I could already picture the fans singing it with us. Hopefully, Gustavo would like it enough. My face warmed at the next part as I thought of how embarrassing it had been to sing this last night. He must have been too because he looked down at his fingers while he played.

"Our hands fit just the right way, our legs tangled up in this small space. The world outside feels far away, as I get to know you."

His voice trailed off and I sang the first half of the chorus on my own. "I could feel my heartbeat, electric to my fingertips."

When it was his turn and he glanced up at me again, his voice was rough. "I could feel anticipation through my veins."

We sang together once more, I knew we had to sell it because the song was almost over. I gave him a flirty grin, pretending it was anyone else but Kendall.

"I can almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips cause anything could happen on a night like this."

I played quieter as we repeated the whoas and the last line several times. Kendall nodded encouragingly as we finished.

"Anything could happen on a night like this."

It was quiet for a long moment as we stared at our managers. Next to them, Logan, James, and Carlos were all giving me a thumbs up. My throat felt dry and I shifted my weight. Liz and Gustavo looked at each other and she pointed to a few notes she had taken.

"Well?" Kendall asked him in the harsh tone I recognized well.

"We'll add some synth and have overlapping harmony." Gustavo decided. "And some drums it won't be just acoustic."

Liz agreed and pointed to the guitars. "And you'll both lose the guitars, it felt stiff like you were hiding behind them."

"Hiding behind them?" I questioned.

"It's good Elle, really good." She promised. "But if it's meant to be flirty you have to get a little closer."

The idea of getting any closer to him was nauseating but I knew better than to argue now. So I nodded, making a note to debate this later.

"So we can record it?" I asked feeling a bit excited.

"Give me the lyrics and the chords and I'll work on the arrangement."

I covered my mouth and grinned. I had a song, a new song post-Jett incident. My comeback was officially underway.

"Gustavo thank you so much." I gushed. "This means so much."

The guys pulled me into a group hug and I breathed a sigh of relief. I was one step closer to the top now and putting the past behind me.

"Hey, good job."

Over my shoulder, Kendall had one hand stuffed in his pocket looking sheepish, the other one stuck out in front of him. I broke free of the group hug and shrugged.

"Thanks, but you helped too."

"Well, it's good." We stiffly shook hands. "And we don't have to write another song. I'm glad they liked it."

I pulled my hand back. "Me too."

* * *

The rest of the morning was fairly uneventful. I tried on some more outfits and much to my chagrin Liz had insisted I wear some of the ones I originally rejected. I didn't have a problem with wearing some of them but I didn't enjoy the way they were forced on me.

"It won't be a constant thing, you can wear some of the more understated pieces during slow songs." Liz had tried to reason. "It's only for an hour."

After giving in to what she wanted I had been swept off into the dance studio. I wasn't scheduled for choreography today but had been going over some of the moves I had been taught the past few weeks. I was in a different stage outfit so I could dance. I moved my hips to the beat of one of my first songs, it was one of my most popular.

"We're dancing like we're dumb, dumb, d-d-dumb. Our bodies feel numb, numb, n-n-numb. I want to be forever young, young, y-young. You know we're rockstars we are who we are."

My voice came through the speakers and it made me nostalgic, this was from my first album. Was it a stupid song? Yes. Was it immature? Of course, it was. But it was my first single from when I was 16 and clueless about how the music business worked. Behind me, Logan, James, and Carlos all watched while Kendall was glued to his phone. The first three had wanted to see me actually dance, Kendall was there because apparently there was nothing else to do until it was time for them to rehearse.

"C'mon Elle, get it!" James encouraged as I ground my hips.

I turned, giving them a smile and my way over to them. The music still played as I stopped in front of Logan.

"Rumor had it you can secretly dance."

He waved his hand. "No, really it's nothing special."

"Prove me wrong then," I said, wanting to make this fun. "I'm bored."

Carlos shoved him and he groaned. "Fine."

Back in the center of the room he danced fluidly. It was better than what I saw a few years ago, he had improved a lot. His body was pressed close to mine and he laughed a little.

"Got all this glitter in my eyes, stockings ripped right the thighs." My song was still playing.

He ran his hands down my bare legs and then across my exposed stomach. I raised an eyebrow and stroked his face.

"Look sick and sexy tonight, so let's go, oh, oh. Let's go!"

The chorus started over and we dance with each other, both getting a little handsy as we practiced our footwork. Logan was talented, he was smooth and moved confidently. He put his hands around my waist and I arched my back, laughing.

"Well fuck, you can dance."

He gave a dismissive shrug. "And you can manage to look good even when you're just messing around."

I shoved him slightly and smiled. "So what else are you hiding underneath your geeky façade?"

"I prefer the term nerdy but I have a few things up my sleeve."

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Kendall had left with a scowl on his face. Logan and I continued to dance. Not seriously but just for fun. He kept his hands on my hips and the jokes came easily between us. Eventually, Carlos and James joined in and we taught each other some dances. Watching them trying to drop low to the ground and grind like I did had been amusing for a while. But I was now trying to master a foot shuffle they did.

"What? Feet don't move like that." I argued as I stumbled.

James laughed under his breath. "They do. It's all in the feet. Keep your hips still."

Carlos and Logan were on either side of me and behind me, James kept a grip on my hips. I watched carefully as they demonstrated once more.

"Okay, I think I've got it."

I moved my feet slowly, moving my hips slightly and James tightened his hold. It was choppy but I managed to do it right.

"That was it. Now faster!"

This time I did it at full speed, shuffling my feet at the pace as Logan and Carlos. When I finally mastered it I did it a few times over.

James hugged me from behind. "There you go. You learned it pretty quick, it took us a few days to get it down."

"You're going to have to come out on stage with us and dance."

Smiling, I agreed. "Liz did say she thinks it would be a smart idea for us to interact during the show. So it doesn't just look like I'm an opening act, but a friend. That way people can see we're all friends and mature."

"So you're a songwriter, a good dancer and you're good at appealing to fans." Logan complimented. "What can't you do?"

"Wear clothes and not hang all over my friends apparently."

As if on cue Kendall walked into the studio. "Kendick, I was wondering when you'd come out of the shadows to say something condescending."

"He's just mad that you dance better than he does," James said softly into my ear making me laugh. "And that he doesn't look as good as you when you do it."

Kendall shook his head and spoke over his shoulder. "She's still here you may as well come in."

Jo came in behind him and gave me a small wave. I returned it, clearing my throat awkwardly.

"Hey." I greeted her.

She pressed her mouth into a tight line. "Hi."

Jo and I knew each other well. I used to consider her a friend while I dated Jett. We weren't best friends or anything but we tolerated each other. I spent a lot of time on set with him and went to red carpet events where Jo was. We had grown closer during the time I was with him. But after the video of us came out she took her co-star's side in public. I understood this because of how PR worked but she had also been a bitch to me privately. This had been a surprise because she had never liked Jett due to his constant attention. To be fair I didn't like her at the beginning of our relationship because of Jett's crush but she had assured me she only liked Kendall. Jo had been a nice person, a little boring for my personal taste, but a good person either way. After the video, she had become a real bitch, saying she always thought I was a distraction to Jett and Newtown High suffered because of it. And that I was to blame for Jett using drugs when he had been the one to introduce me to them. It made sense why she and Kendall were a couple. They both appeared to be nice to fans and the media but secretly they were assholes. So seeing her here was awkward.

The studio was hot so I shed the hoodie I borrowed. I regretted that now that both Kendall and Jo were looking at me. I felt exposed and I folded my arms over my stomach. James still had his arm around me and I was grateful for the comfort. Kendall's eyes lingered just a bit too long like they had this morning.

"So what's going on?" Logan asked, glancing at us.

"Mr. X is running late and Jo stopped by to visit."

Jo shifted her weight. "How are rehearsals?"

"They're good," James answered. "Just getting to know our opening act."

We shared a smile and Kendall stepped closer to Jo. "I think they're getting along just fine."

For the sake of being professional, I ignored Kendall. "Jo are you excited for the Newtown High movie?"

She actually seemed excited about this. "For sure, we're filming in Europe."

"When do you leave?"

"A few days after your first show. You must be excited about the tour, you know, after what _you_ and Jett did."

I winced at his name and the fact that she made it sound like it was my fault didn't go unnoticed. "I'm excited, especially after what Jett did to _me_."

"You certainly seemed into it," Kendall said with a bit of a smirk.

My stomach twisted uneasily at the thought of how drunk I had been. I really didn't remember what had happened that night. But I knew I hadn't wanted to and that Jett had been forceful.

"Things don't always look like what you see," I mumbled.

"Well there was plenty to see then and now." He made a face and turned to Jo. "Don't mind Elle she's always naked."

Jo looked uneasy. "I left my phone in the car."

He smiled at her, it was a genuine smile, loving. Kendall's face brightened in a way that I certainly had never seen. "I'll go with you."

Without another word to me or the guys they left. Once they had just left the room but were still in earshot Carlos called out.

"Don't mind Kendall, he's always rude."

I gave a small grin. "Thanks. It's kind of creepy seeing him so nice to Jo."

"They're crazy about each other. It's sweet but sometimes it's a bit much." Logan admitted. "Are you okay?"

Other than being offended and embarrassed, the only other emotion I felt was confusion. It was getting hard to keep up with Kendall's mercurial temperament.

"His mood swings are giving me a headache. Just last night we smoked together and he was nice and funny. And then he said something shitty out of the blue. This morning was like that too, he brought me coffee to make up for last night and now he's rude." I sighed running a hand over my forehead. "I just wish he'd either hate me all the way or like me."

"Don't let him get to you, Elle." Logan pleaded rubbing my arm. "Who knows why he's such an asshole? All that matters is we're happy to have you and the fans will be too."

A forced smile made its way to my face. I wanted to agree with Logan and act like Kendall didn't hurt my feelings. But that was impossible. Kendall had already managed to make me feel like an under-dressed slut who didn't deserve to be on the road with him. He had called me a whore, acted like I didn't have talent and made it seem like I slept with every guy I met. There was only so much of this I could take and the tour hadn't even started. It stretched ahead of me and even though I should have been excited, I felt nothing but dread.

"I'm just not sure I can take three months of this," I admitted wearily. "I can't deal with a whole summer with Kendall Knight."

* * *

AN: As you can see Gustavo likes the song and Kendall and Elle are going back and forth when it comes to a friendship. The next chapter is when the tour starts and someone makes a surprise visit to Elle. I hope you enjoy and stay tuned. I will be updating on March 13th around 6:30 PM. I hope you tune in then! Thanks so much!


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Thank you for reading and reviewing last time. It means the world to me. This chapter sees the official start of tour. I hope you enjoy and leave some feedback!

 ****** An important thing to note is that in this story, Just Getting Started is a completely new song. It wasn't on BTR's 2013 album like it is in real life. You should listen to it though! ******

* * *

"It's a great day for Ellenators and Rushers as the Count Me In Tour begins in Los Angeles at the Staples Center." The host smiled. "But today must be really exciting for Elle Harper who hasn't toured in a year and a half."

"That's right Lily, it's been months since she's been on the road. We all remember how she canceled her tour halfway through after that video of her and then-boyfriend Jett Stetson came out. But it looks like she's found a new man, to sing a duet with that is. Elle just released a flirty new song with BTR's Kendall Knight. And everyone at Backstage Access is raving about it, aren't we?"

"Definitely! The surprisingly mellow pop single "Night Like This" is catchy and sounds like it's going to be a huge hit! It's a change of pace for Hollywood wild child Elle but we're big fans already. Make sure to catch Elle Harper and Big Time Rush on the road this summer!

"See we told you people would love it." Logan grinned putting his arm around me. "You're already at number 2 on the charts."

"He's right that's not bad for a comeback single, especially when we have a song out too." James joked, showing me the charts on his phone. "Maybe if you're lucky you'll beat us."

I stopped pacing long enough to smack his arm. "Your song is only number 1 because you released it before mine."

The label had released 'Night Like This' three days ago and Big Time Rush put out 'Just Getting Started' two days before mine. It quickly shot to number one and my song was close behind at number 2. It was exciting to see the fans' reactions to it. So far all the feedback had been positive and critics liked that it wasn't such a dirty pop song but had a more mature sound. People really seemed to like how Kendall and I sounded together. When I saw him the morning after it came out he had shaken my hand and congratulated me. Other than that we worked in a professional manner and thankfully his insults were few and far between. That wouldn't last for long though, he was distracted by Jo's constant presence which would end tonight. She was leaving to film in Europe and he was going to be on tour. So she had been at every rehearsal and studio session for the past two weeks. To be honest, it was a little off-putting to see Kendall all over someone. I knew he didn't hate everyone like he did me but when he was with Jo he was a different person. Jo had followed Kendall and ignored me most of the time which I was relieved about. I didn't need the distraction, tonight was the first night of tour and I was nervous enough. My hands were red from wringing them together.

"Hey, stop that." Carlos chided, pulling my hands apart. "You're going to do fine. You know all the dance moves, you know all the songs and you're going to be amazing."

I shrugged. "I know but what if I'm not as good as I used to be? And I have to do this dumb duet with Kendall, what if he fucks it up for me?"

"He can be professional when he needs to be. He was when you recorded together."

When we had recorded the song a week and a half ago he had kept all his snide remarks to himself. That had been a relief but his friends had been there to keep an eye on him. Onstage it would just be us two and the crowd.

Logan pointed down the hall where Jo and Kendall were draped over each other on the couch. He said something that made her laugh and he kissed her.

"I think he has other things on his mind than embarrassing you." Logan explained, wrinkling his nose. "And I thought Camille and I were bad when we dated."

"You were that bad." James reminded, rolling his eyes. "It's not like they haven't been apart before."

I watched as Kendall and Jo kissed, watching him be loving was unsettling. I pretended to gag when he kissed her forehead.

"God, it's like that scene in Harry Potter when Voldemort hugs Draco."

James turned his focus back to me. "Anyway, you're going to do fine. Your fans are excited to see you, they missed you."

I smiled softly, I had missed them too. I hadn't interacted with my fans much in the past year. I had just started my tour when the video came out. I canceled the tour due to dropping ticket sales, being ashamed and my health. After that, I took a break and here I was now, about to perform for them. Even if Kendall fucked things up I knew the fans would be more focused on me.

"Speaking of fans." Logan laughed, he held his hand to his ear. "Do you hear that?"

I cocked my head towards the stage and could hear tons of voices overlapping. We were about an hour and a half to show time and fans were filling the venue. My stomach twisted with nerves but a thrill went through me.

"This tour is going to be sick. Everyone likes our singles and were not singing to middle schoolers anymore." James told Carlos as they fist bumped. "We're growing up Los."

"Take that back Diamond. I was your first fan and I was in middle school."

"You know there's always a special place in my heart for you Katie." He pulled a dark-haired girl into a hug. "You're my favorite middle schooler."

When I turned I saw her rolling her eyes. "I'm 18 you know."

"True, but you'll always be Kendall's sister to me."

Kendall's sister still shocked me, she seemed to like me. She wasn't into performing like her brother, she was more into the business side.

"Katie you made it." Kendall came up behind her. "I'm glad you're not too busy for opening night."

"I pushed some things around. I'm mostly here to convince Gustavo to let me handle marketing for the album release." She told him, smirking a bit. "And so I can finally see your opening act again."

"Oh." I flushed a shade of pink. When I had met Katie a few week ago she told me she had seen me on tour a few times and that she was excited to see me again. "I forgot you came to my last tour."

"Of course I did, unlike my stupid brother I'm a big fan."

The irritation on Kendall's face made both of us laugh. Katie being a fan of mine was something that still took me by surprise. But it was great to talk to her, especially seeing that Kendall was annoyed by it.

"Thank you. I hope you're excited about my set."

"Totally. I've been waiting for the past year." She took a seat on the arm of a chair. "Oh, by the way, Jett's a real dick, he lived in the Palmwoods for a while. I was always on your side."

My smile widened. I didn't even know this girl but she was beyond nice, unlike her brother. Kendall had crossed his arms over his chest.

"Wow, thanks. That means a lot." I glanced over at Kendall. "Your sister is so nice, what happened to you?."

"Yeah." His words were clips. "She's great."

Katie jumped when she saw Gustavo walk by.

"Good luck with the show guys. I'll catch up with you after. I have to go soften Gustavo up." She waved to the guys and called over her shoulder. "Nice seeing you."

After waving back, I smirked. "I didn't know your sister was a fan."

"She doesn't make the best choices. Just try not to rub off on her."

"I don't know, she seems pretty sure of herself."

His face still wore the same stern expression. "I'm serious."

"Fine. Fine." I agreed, I saw my opportunity to strike. "As long as you're professional on stage, I have a lot riding on this."

He twisted his face in thought before sighing. "Deal."

"Finally. Now that's out of the way let's go look at the crowd." Carlos said grabbing my arm. "I can't wait any longer."

We snuck to the side of the stage and looked out. The arena easily had a few thousand people in it already. I bounced on the balls of my feet.

"Look at all of them. Obviously, I knew I was touring but it didn't feel real until right now."

"I know what you mean." Logan looked a little overwhelmed. "It always feels like practice until you see the first crowd."

The four of us stood there for a while longer looking at all the fans. Much to Liz and Gustavo's credit, there was a significant amount of older fans in the audience. I was glad to see I had done my part to help BTR get an older fanbase.

"Elle there you are." Liz was overcome with relief. "Come on you need to get changed."

I shot them a nervous smile. "See you guys later."

"How are you feeling?" Liz rubbed my shoulders and met my eyes in the mirror. "You look great, do you need anything?"

"I'm good, a little anxious but I feel good." I insisted. "No thanks, I'm fine."

"Well I'm proud of you and so is the whole label." She said warmly. "You're going to do great."

I smiled. "Thank you. I don't know how I would have gotten through all of this without you."

"Don't even mention it. Go out there and show everyone you're back."

I gave her a thumbs up and pulled my phone out. I took a quick selfie and posted it to my social media.

 **20 minutes to show time! #countmeintour #day1**

The fans were continuing to stream into the venue and I could hear the gentle roar of all their voices blending together. My inner ear monitors hung from my neck waiting to be put in. I went over to the craft service table and made myself a cup of tea with extra honey. I splashed some cold water into the cup and stirred. I took a sip and let it calm me, I tried not to let my nerves get to me.

"Well, it's comforting to see some things never change."

I stopped mid-sip and nearly spit back into my cup. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I cringed. When I turned I was face to face with all 6 feet and 2 inches of asshole that was Jett Stetson.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I demanded between coughs. "Who the hell let you in here?"

"Well hello to you too." He shrugged. "I came with Jo, we're leaving to shoot the Newtown High movie after the show. But I really wanted to see you. I have to say going into hiding was good to you. You look great, especially since you didn't ruin that body."

His eyes wandered over my body and I wrinkled my nose in disgust. My hand brushed over my almost bare stomach. The last time I saw Jett was when he came to my apartment to talk to me after the video came out. It hadn't gone well.

"And _you_ look like a jerk who gets girls drunk and then films them."

Jett smirked. "Guilty as charged. But your new song is good even if you're singing with Kendall." He plucked the cup from hands and took a sip. "Still too much honey."

"Good thing I didn't make it for you then," I grumbled, taking it back. "Seriously what do you want?"

"I was just curious." He looked around the backstage area. "So you're really touring with Big Time Rush?"

The way he laughed when he said the band's name made me defensive. "They're good guys."

"So have you slept with any of them yet?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively. "I know how you are."

"No." I scoffed, shaking my head in disgust. "I haven't and even if I did that wouldn't be any of your business."

He made a face and grinned to himself. "How have you been?"

I shuffled from foot to foot. "Okay, considering everything I guess. How's your family?"

Jett cringed, it was a vulnerable moment for someone who always acted so strong. In the year and a half I dated Jett I had met his family just once and it had been awkward, to say the least. His dad, the big shot director David Stetson had left when he was 14, they didn't see each other much. I had only met his mom and brother. His mom was Meredith Barnes, the former daytime soap-opera star turned talk show host. On screen, she was animated, charismatic just like her son and bright. But off-screen, it was a different story.

 _"Mom, this is Elle." Jett cleared his throat nervously. "Elle this is my mom."_

 _I shook the blonde woman's hand and smiled. "I'm a big fan."_

 _She gave an uncomfortable smile and tightened her robe around her small frame. It was early in the day but she was already drunk. She had a glass of white wine in her free hand. She looked like a ghost, nothing like the polished charming host she was Monday through Friday._

 _"Don't be it's all stupid." She rolled her eyes and patted my shoulder. "You're too young to know any better."_

 _I frowned and laughed nervously. Before I could say anything Jett pulled me towards the stairs of his mother's large house. I followed him upstairs, passing pictures of Jett and his brother through various stages of their lives. There was a picture of his parents from years ago, his mom looked genuinely happy._

 _"Sorry about that." He muttered. "She only really smiles on TV."_

 _I squeezed his hand and saw a blush creep up his neck. I didn't say anything as I followed him down the hall. He had his own place in the city but it was his little brother's birthday. He still lived at home and Jett wanted to see him. He had been hesitant to let me come along and it was slowly making sense why. He knocked on the door and the loud music stopped._

 _"What?" He demanded._

 _It was like staring at a younger version of Jett. He had the same dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, they probably would have had the same smile if he hadn't been scowling._

 _"Jude, Happy Birthday." Jett pulled him into a hug. "16 is big, I'm going to teach you to drive."_

 _"I guess so." He agreed and pushed his glasses up his nose. "You might want to remind mom and dad that."_

 _Jett looked uneasy and pointed to me. "This is my girlfriend Elle. Elle this is Jude."_

 _"Hey."_

 _I handed the large box to him, Jett had spent hours agonizing what to get him. In the end, he settled on a high-quality camera. Apparently, Jude wanted to be a filmmaker like their dad._

 _"Your brother picked it out. I just wrapped it." I smiled warmly. "Happy Birthday."_

 _Jude took the box and tore off the paper. When he saw it was a camera he smiled despite himself but it quickly vanished. He cleared his throat and sat the box down. Jett looked anxious it was unusual to see._

 _"Uh, thanks."_

 _"You're welcome." Jett's voice softened. "Hey, I'll talk to mom and dad okay?"_

 _He rolled his eyes and he had the same upset look Jett would get, and the same look his mom had downstairs. He picked the box back up and went back_ into _his room._

 _"You can try. Thanks for the gift, see you later." He shut the door and the music resumed, a little louder this time._

 _Jett sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. I rubbed his back and tried to look reassuring._

 _"I think he liked it."_

 _He snorted. "This is why I didn't want you to come over."_

 _I didn't know what to say as he walked down the hall and ducked into a room. I followed him and walked into what must have been his old bedroom. It was sweet, he had posters on his walls and a few old headshots of himself. He was sitting on his bed and I watched as he tossed back a few pills, the small blue ovals went down easily._

 _"Jett?" I asked, leaning against the door._

 _"This is why I didn't want you to come over. My mom is mopey and my brother hates me." He grumbled. "Let's just go okay?"_

"They're fine."

We stood there quietly for a moment. I took a large sip from my cup just to have something to do and Jett cracked his knuckles and looked around. It was strange to have so little to say to someone who wrecked your life. I thought I would give him an earful but it felt like there was nothing left to say.

"You look good, must get plenty attention from your tour mates." He pointed to the sheer outfit that left much of my body on display. "I know I would have trouble concentrating."

I groaned. "It's not like that."

He hummed dismissively and pulled me by my hips his grip was tight. "God, you look great. I miss you Len, I know you think about me."

"Get the fuck off of me." My voice shook and my breathing quickened.

He had a grin on his face and wrapped his arms around me. "If you get tired of those losers and want a real man, let me know."

"Yeah let me know when you find a real man." I spat freeing myself from his grip. "Maybe one who doesn't drug their girlfriend."

His smile faded, replaced by a scowl. He lowered his voice, it came out threatening but with a hint of laughter. "You wanted it and even if you didn't you shouldn't have gotten so drunk."

My stomach turned sickly as he hissed in my ear.

"You forced pills down my throat and covered my mouth." My teeth were gritted as I spoke. "You took advantage of the situation."

"Whatever you say." He laughed, shaking his head. He roughly planted a kiss on my cheek. "See you around Len."

I drained my tea and crushed the paper cup as I sneered. He walked away after giving me a wink and I wiped my cheek. My heart was pounding in my chest and my cheeks burned. I felt like I was going to be sick. Seeing him was unsettling but I wasn't going to let him get to me, I had bigger things to focus on. It's not like I had time to be distracted anyway. I flinched when I was pulled into a huddle with the guys who were all in their stage outfits.

"Are you ready to kick some ass?" Logan asked enthusiastically. "You're going to do great."

"You k-know it," I said enthusiastically trying to stop my hands from shaking.

James glanced around before pulling out a small flask, he grinned deviously and took a sip. He passed it to me and I raised an eyebrow.

"Pre-show ritual. It's a little less exciting now that we're of age but still."

I shook my head and laughed as I took a drink. I winced at the burn and let it calm me before passing it to Logan.

"Tonight is going to be great. The fans are going to like you and your new song." Carlos was bouncing up and down. "And then we're all going to party."

"Are we?"

His eyes were full of mischief. "You have so much to learn Elle."

I was surprised when Kendall joined the huddle and took a drink. He had one arm around Logan and the other around James.

"Here's to the first of many amazing shows." He smiled at his friends. "And to all the misadventures on the way."

"And here's to our opening act who is going to blow us all away." James offered, pointing to me. "Knock them out when you go out there."

"One minute to show time!" Gustavo announced looking stressed. "Get in your spot."

My stomach was a flurry of nerves as I popped my earpieces in. I shook out my arms and legs and took a deep breath. The guys hi-fived me and patted me on the back, hyping me up.

"Good luck, break a leg."

I smiled at them as they pulled me into a hug. "Thanks, guys."

I took a second shot and headed to stage. I gripped the microphone that was in my hand.

"Elle!"

I turned to see Kendall, he gave me a thumbs up.

"Good luck."

My face scrunched in confusion but I returned the gesture. "Thanks."

From my spot backstage, I could hear the fans cheering and the music. It was dramatic and I swallowed the lump in my throat. This was it, this was my comeback. When the beat dropped the platform I was on rose, and I was face to face with thousands of fans.

"Los Angeles!" I shouted. "Are you ready to party?"

"Dirt and glitter cover the floor. We're pretty and sick. We're young and we're bored." I rolled my eyes playfully at the crowd. "It's time to lose your minds and let the crazy out. Tonight we're taking names, cause we don't fuck around."

I moved my hips to the music and laughed as confetti was blasted from cannons. So far the show was going well, the crowd was hyped and sang along with me. Even the fans who were decked out in Big Time Rush merch from head to toe were singing. There was a familiar feeling of adrenaline and excitement that I could only find when performing. I was exactly where I needed to be. And it was like I never left.

When the song ended I put my microphone back on the stand and took a drink of water.

"So as you all know I'm opening up for a band called Big Time Rush. Maybe you've heard of them?" I teased and grinned when the audience screamed. "I actually wrote a song with one of them. And we thought maybe you would want to hear it."

The screams grew louder and I leaned into the mic and put on my best-excited face.

"Kendall?" I called out in a sing-song voice. "Get out here."

When he came out on stage the sound was deafening and thousands of flashes went off. He smiled and waved as the crew set up his microphone. My stomach twisted nervously and I hoped he wouldn't embarrass me. He gave me a side hug which someone had clearly instructed him to do but I returned it.

"Hey guys. Long time no see." He said to the audience. "Are you having a good time so far?"

After letting them yell in response he pointed to me.

"How great is our opening act? Everyone give it up for Elle Harper!" This was surprising but I'd rather him pretend to be nice to me than be rude to me. "Like she said, we worked on this song together and feel free to sing along."

The music started and I let out a nervous breath. This was the first time we were singing it live. We sang the first few verses and I noticed a few people sang along. When we got to the chorus Kendall stepped closer to me and smiled down.

"I could feel my heartbeat, electric to my fingertips. Oh, whoa, oh. I could feel anticipation through my veins. Oh, whoa, oh." We sang together as we both danced. "I could almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips."

I gave him a flirty look for the sake of the crowd. "Because anything could happen on a night like this. On a night like this."

Kendall tapped along to the beat on his leg. "Wouldn't mind if we caught every red light. You're someone I could get close to."

"You're a stranger but there's something in your eyes. Like you know me."

He stared at me and his mouth quirked up into a private smile. "Could I know you?"

We walked over to the edge of the stage and touched some of the fans' hands. This was going better than I thought it would, they all seemed to like it and Kendall wasn't making an ass of himself. He was on the other side of the stage, I appreciated the distance. The fans clapped along and sang the oh, whoa, oh line just like I hoped they would. Once we finished the next few verses of the song we made our way back to the center of the stage.

"Oh, whoa, oh. Anything could happen on a night like this. On a night like this."

The song ended and he patted my shoulder as the crowd applauded. My heart swelled in my chest. I was relieved they liked it and that Kendall had been professional.

"Kendall was great wasn't he?"

"Thanks, Elle. See you guys in just a bit!"

Kendall gave a final wave before jogging off stage. I watched him leave, still surprised if this is how singing together went maybe this summer wouldn't be so awful.

My body was covered sweat and bits of confetti and I stood at the edge of the stage. The music was pumping behind me and I couldn't keep the smile off my face.

"I want you to scream this last chorus at the top of your lungs with me, are you ready?"

The set had come to an end and I was buzzing with excitement. I jumped up and down on beat as I belted out the chorus of my first single. It was the song that put me on the map 5 years ago and I ended every set with it.

"Your love your love your love is my drug." I thrust my fist into the air. "Los Angeles thank you so much! It's good to be back! My name is Elle Harper and your love is my drug!"

The audience was screaming as I gave a bow and blew them a kiss. I was overwhelmed by all the support and love I had received tonight. I wiped at my eyes and waved.

"Thank you so much! Get ready for Big Time Rush and I'll see you soon!"

With that, I ran offstage and James, Carlos, and Logan were waiting for me. They embraced me in a group hug and cheered.

"You killed it!"

"They loved you. That was insane."

Logan handed me the flask from earlier. "To Elle and her epic comeback."

We all passed the flask around and my face hurt from so much smiling. I fanned my hand in front of my eyes and sniffed.

"I c-can't believe I'm back. Did you see that it was like old times."

"You were great." James insisted. "To the first of many great shows."

After shaking hands with Liz and Gustavo and a few more sneaky shots I managed to get a moment alone. I cleaned myself up and slipped into a new outfit. I would be singing with Big Time Rush later on in the night. But for now, I took a minute to myself to reflect. This time last year I had canceled my tour, was in every magazine with nasty rumors, dealing with fall out from Jett, and feeling at my lowest. But here I was now, on tour, and working on new stuff with new friends. Tonight had been perfect, even Kendall hadn't fucked things up. Things were finally looking up for me. This was only the beginning.I had never seen the band perform at one of their own concerts before. I had seen them perform at award shows on more than one occasion. But this was something entirely different. Some artists acted differently on stage versus off stage. But the guys excluding Kendall were exactly the same, they were funny and not afraid to have a good time. Kendall was more upbeat than he usually was. But much to his credit he had been welcoming when I came out to sing I Know You Know and Count On You. Even when I had flirted with his friends to rile up the fans and show they were mature. I had pulled Logan in close and acted like I was going to kiss him, only turning my head at the last second. They were a force of pure energy with their dancing, flips and other tricks and singing. So I had been surprised when we all piled into the bus and they turned up the music and started mixing drinks.

"Are you guys seriously not tired?" I questioned as James handed me a cup.

"Now is the time to celebrate!" He joked, topping off my cup. "It's the first night of tour."

Nodding, I raised my cup in a toast before taking a drink. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

There was always a delay in when the show ended and when we left the venue. The crew was packing up the stage and tearing down the set. Kendall was taking this opportunity to say goodbye to Jo. It was sweet in a nauseating way to watch them whisper to each other despite the loud music. We had been celebrating for the better part of an hour. I was a little drunk and busy listening to Carlos try to explain his idea of letting fans come up with the setlist as the show happened. He had his hand on my thigh and kept letting his hands wander, so I was a little preoccupied. But when Kelly came in to announce we'd be leaving in a few minutes I watched as Kendall wrapped his arms around Jo like he would never see her again. I remember leaving for tour and Jett insisting I left him something to remember me by. And by that, he meant a quick hook up wherever we were. That was one of the many reasons I was glad he had left during my set. But now watching Jo and Kendall say goodbye I snickered.

"I'm going to miss you so much. I don't know how I'll ever be able to memorize lines." She sniffled. "Call me every day and be careful."

Kendall cupped her face. "You know I will. This is so hard every time but you know I'll be thinking about you worldwide."

At this, I snorted some of my drink back into the cup. "Oh my god are they serious?"

He looked over to where they were holding onto each other. "Always."

"Ugh." I wrinkled my nose. "Gross."

Carlos and I were both pretty drunk so we laughed louder than we meant to. I was doubled over but straightened up when Kendall shook his head at me.

"Can I help you?" He demanded.

"N-No. It's just like, he's only leaving for tour. Not the war, Facetime exists you know." I chuckled. "You're not going to have to write letters. It's just so sappy."

Jo rolled her eyes. "Did we ask you?"

"No, but you showed us."

Kendall crossed his arms. "Just because you've never been loved doesn't mean you can be a bitch about our relationship."

"And just because you've never had a good fuck doesn't mean you can be an asshole because I liked to have fun."

He went to say something but Carlos interjected. "Elle, relax let's just all celebrate."

With that, he pulled me to my feet and kept his arm around my waist. We walked towards the back of the bus where James and Logan were, over my shoulder I waved.

"Bye!"

Carlos laughed and shushed me pulling me into the back lounge with the guys. Both of them had glazed over eyes and a bong sat in the middle of the table. Carlos sat between them and I wedged my way onto his lap. I was a little drunk and the room spun so I appreciated how stable he was.

"Well, what do we have here?" I shook my finger. "Not exactly boy band material."

Logan ducked his head. "It's how we unwind."

"It's just surprising that's all. You guys were good out there, better than I thought."

"What's that supposed to mean?" James pretended to be offended as he took a hit.

I chuckled, fanning the smoke out of my face. "Relax I just mean I've never seen a full set until tonight."

"Well, you were good too. I think both of our fans had a good time."

Carlos' face turned red when I pecked his cheek. "Thanks, Los."

Logan and James gawked at this but before I could explain that I was an affectionate drunk the bus started moving. Apparently, we were leaving, Kendall came into the lounge frowning. Jo must have left because she wasn't trailing behind him and his hair was a little mussed. He didn't seem to care that I was planted on Carlos' lap.

"Jo left." He sighed.

"Cheer up, we're on tour. You'll get over it you always do." Logan passed him a drink. "Let's celebrate."

"Yeah Kendork, you can Facetime her later. Live a little." I encouraged, sloshing some of my drink onto Carlos' shirt. "Get your dick out of a twist."

He rolled his eyes but took a drink. "Whatever. Here's to this summer and another tour."

We raised our cups and agreed loudly. "To tour!"

"And to new friends." I smiled and pointed to him. "Even you Kendall, even if you're a dick sometimes."

To my shock, he laughed a little and clinked his cup with mine. "Whatever."

As the bus pulled onto the highway we let the night grow later. We danced, laughed and smoked as we headed to our next stop. Between the alcohol and the pot, it was hard to remember why I had ever been upset about this tour. The guys were already so welcoming and great. If every night was like this one it would be fine. Everything felt right after months of turmoil I had finally landed somewhere safe.

* * *

AN: The tour has officially started! What was your favorite part of this chapter? I really enjoyed writing the Jett scene and the flashback. As you can see Kendall and Elle are managing to coexist. But it's a long summer ahead of them and anything can happen. I hope you enjoyed this update please review. I will be updating on the 19th in the afternoon and will be posting on a weekly basis now. See you soon!


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Thanks for the feedback! I agree that Jett can be a real jerk. This chapter follows the second day of the tour. I hope you enjoy this update and let me know what you thought. Thanks!

* * *

There wasn't enough coffee or ibuprofen in the world that would wake me up and stop the pounding in my head. When I rolled out of my bunk I squinted and stumbled my way towards the bathroom. After a few minutes, I felt a little more human but my head still throbbed. I took a seat next to Logan at the small breakfast nook in the front of the bus.

"Hey, guys."

"Morning." James slid the pot of coffee across the table. "So the reviews are in and people liked the show last night."

Hearing this made me perk up. "They did?"

"Both Elle Harper and Big Time Rush know just what their fans want and they deliver. With detailed choreography, solid live vocals, and high energy performances the first stop of the Count Me In Tour should make any fan scramble for tickets. Old fans and new ones alike will appreciate BTR's mature setlist and Elle's return to the stage." He read, smiling as he did so. "This show has something for everyone."

My face broke out into a wide grin. "Does it really say that?"

"They're all really positive. They talk about how it's nice to see the band grow up and see you making a comeback." Logan held up his phone so I could see a different review. "After a rough year for Elle, it's nice to see that she's not letting anything or anyone drag her down."

A blush crept onto my face. "I can't believe this. I hoped it would go well but never like this."

The three of us spent a few minutes nursing our hangovers and reading reviews. I always looked at what my fans thought and most of them seemed happy to see that I was back. Someone had posted a video of my duet with Kendall and it already had 6,000 views. I just hoped the support continued to grow as the summer went on. We were in San Francisco for tonight's show and had a full day of interviews ahead of us.

"I'm going to change and try to look less hungover," I said standing from the table. "Should I wake Carlos?"

"You can try he sleeps in late as it is but hungover Carlos is even worse." Logan shook his head. "It's your funeral."

Life on the road was lonely as a solo artist. There were times when I was constantly surrounded by people but they were all stage crew or handlers who traveled separately. Sharing a bus was a new experience One day in and it didn't seem too bad. But I spoke too soon. When I stepped out of the bathroom after changing Kendall stood with his arms folded.

"Are you done?"

His voice was too loud and I winced. "Good morning to you too."

He stepped around me and shut the door behind him. I heard the shower turn on and rolled my eyes, sharing a bus with three out of four of my tour mates wasn't too bad. I stuck my head into Carlos' bunk and gave him a shake. It was one of those rare mornings on tour that we got to sleep in a bit, it was just after 9 and we were scheduled to go on air in two hours. Even so, Carlos was in a dead sleep.

"Carlos, wake up. We have interviews to do."

One eye opened and he rolled onto his side. "10 more minutes."

"Carlos."

"How are you not hungover?" He groaned taking a second to look at me. "I feel like shit."

I shook my head. "It's called coffee and concealer. But you do look awful so I'll give you an extra 15 minutes."

He rolled back over. "You're a saint."

It took another 20 minutes, a cup of coffee with extra sugar and me promising to let him help direct one of my music videos to get Carlos out of bed. Once he was on his feet he seemed like he was truly awake. But now on the drive over to the radio station, he was slumped against the window, clutching his coffee.

"Can he really sleep anywhere?"

James didn't seem fazed by him sleeping upright. "It's a gift."

We were in the back of an SUV. I was next to James and Carlos, Logan was in the third row and Kendall was next to the driver. I rested my head against the window and fought to keep my eyes open. My headache still lingered just beneath my temples and behind my eyes. The radio was playing softly and when an electronic dance song came on I groaned.

"Anything but this. My head is killing me."

I could have ground my teeth to dust when Kendall turned it up. The bass reverberated through the car and rattled my brain.

"Turn it down." I moaned. "Seriously I don't know what's worse, your taste in music or what it does to my head."

He turned and shrugged his shoulders. He cranked it up a little louder and music filled the car. It was repetitive and techno. It wasn't a bad song but in the morning and with a hangover it was like nails on a chalkboard.

"Leave it to Kendall to like music as shitty as his personality," I grumbled to Logan. "Why do you like this song? It's so repetitive."

Kendall sighed as if my question was a hassle. "What can I say I have a one-track mind? It caught my attention. It's a good song. Maybe if you didn't get so drunk last night you wouldn't be so hungover."

"Piss off, you got fucked up last night too. You're just being a dick."

Kendall twisted back around in his seat and I rubbed my forehead as the song blasted loudly. The high pitches and electronic sounds caused me to clench my jaw. I was grateful when Carlos leaned up and shut it off.

"She's right, I'm sleeping." He said with a yawn. "Be an ass later."

This was enough for Kendall because he didn't fiddle with the radio again. I looked out the window sleepily as we drove up steep hills through San Francisco. It was already warm despite it being early in the day. When we pulled up to the station I was surprised to see a crowd of people waiting for us.

"There they are!" Someone shrieked.

Security stood outside of the car and opened the door. We all climbed out and the screaming was deafening. I took a few pictures with fans and did my best to smile at everyone.

"Elle!"

I turned to see two guys close to my age standing by the gate. I walked over, smiling widely.

"Hey boys." I greeted. "Thanks for coming."

"You're so hot." The shorter of the two said.

"Dude shut up." The other one hissed. "Sorry, he's an idiot."

"No, you're fine. It's cute, you both are." I laughed, looking between them. They both had the same sandy blonde hair. "I take it you two are brothers."

The tall one nodded. "Unfortunately. I'm much better looking and older though."

We joked for a minute and took a selfie. "It's nice to meet you guys. Tag me in the picture."

"Bye Elle!"

As security ushered inside Kendall snorted. "You just flirt everywhere you go don't you?"

"It's called being nice, you should try it sometime." I shot back, fixing my hair in the elevator's reflective doors. "It wouldn't kill you."

"I'll be sure to stare at your tits and act like an idiot too." He smirked. "That seems to be your definition of people being nice to you."

"Whatever." I brushed off his words, I was still buzzing from the tour review. "You aren't ruining my day."

Once the five of us and our security team stepped out of the elevator we were greeted by Kelly and Liz who had arrived ahead of us to make sure things were going smoothly. Press junkets for a tour were always stressful due to the time crunch we were under. A typical day had interviews and appearances, soundcheck, the show and then it was a late night on the bus.

"Good morning guys." Kelly greeted. "You're going into makeup in a few minutes and then you'll each perform and do a quick interview."

"And then it's onto another interview and a meet and greet at the arena." Liz finished. "But for now help yourselves to some breakfast."

I knew from experience this would probably be the only time I'd be able to eat until just before the show. I made my way to the craft table and fixed myself some fruit and a bagel.

James came up next to me and made a coffee. "Are you excited for tonight?"

"Of course," I smiled. "Now that I know I won't be a total shit show. Any plans for parties tonight?"

"You were never going to be a shit show," He took a sip from his cup. "And not really, have to stay sharp you know?"

My tea had finished steeping so I filled the rest of the cup with cold water and added honey. By now the guys had filled their plates too.

"I actually planned on spending some time on the studio bus soon. If you guys want to have a writing session one night."

"Sounds like fun." Logan offered. "We could write a song together."

Kendall looked lonely at the end of the table so I jostled him teasingly. "I don't know, the last time I worked on a song with someone it was with Kendall."

"And it's a good song so you're welcome." He replied dryly. "Maybe I'm lucky."

His joke took me by surprise and I smiled half-heartedly. "You wish. But who knows maybe a little Kendall is all I need for a good song."

His face flushed just a bit, but before he could speak I was guided to a chair for makeup. While I was being worked on I scrolled through my feed and finished my breakfast. I liked the picture those boys had tagged me in and followed them. Everyone who had seen the show last night seemed to enjoy themselves and I hoped this continued.

"You look nice, not even slightly hungover." Carlos pointed out when I joined them in the studio. "Meanwhile I have concealer on and still look like shit."

I laughed. "You missed the part where they attacked me with foundation. Why we have to wear makeup for a radio show I'll never know."

"Because everything gets uploaded online eventually and you want to look good." Liz reminded. "Now don't forget to smile and be polite."

At this Kendall smirked. "At least when this gets posted you won't be naked."

"Was that the first time you've ever seen a naked girl?" I hissed back at him. "You sure do talk about it a lot."

Kelly held her hand up and sighed. "Kendall, Elle try not to be at each other's throats, please. Gustavo doesn't have the patience for it. And since this is going to be recorded get along."

He rolled his eyes. "Yes Kelly, you've only told us a thousand times."

"And apparently you still can't comprehend what it means." This came out as a mumble under my breath.

There was no time for him to respond when the radio show's host came in. Kendall let out a deep sigh and I smirked victoriously. We all shook hands with Jay and introduced ourselves. We were doing an interview first so I slipped my headphones on along with everyone else and settled into my stool.

"Good morning San Francisco! You're listening to 94.9 The Wild, I'm your host Jay Warner and I'm here with Big Time Rush and Elle Harper." She spoke into the mic animatedly. "How are you guys this morning?"

"Excited to be here." Carlos offered warmly.

Jay scrolled through her laptop. "So you kicked off your summer tour last night in LA and everyone is going crazy. How does that make you feel?"

"Stoked, it feels really great to be back out on the road," I answered, smiling widely. "I missed the fans and performing."

"Seems like they missed you too. Some of them camped out here all night to see you and the guys."

My heart warmed. "That's incredible."

"The tour is called the Count Me In tour where did that come from?"

"It's actually a small line in the first single, it's in the background," James answered. "Logan and I sing it."

Jay nodded. "What's the line?"

"Time to count it down, you can count me in. Time to set it off so let's begin."

That was my favorite line in the song it was cool that it inspired the name of the tour. Jay seemed to agree with me because she said she liked it when she heard it too.

She turned to the guys looking at her notes. "So Big Time Rush and Elle Harper are on tour. It seems like an odd match but it works so well. How did this come about?"

"Well, the guys and I are all growing up. We're definitely not the same people we were 5 years ago and we wanted to do something new and mature. And Elle seemed like a solid fit." James explained simply. "It seemed natural to have someone with an older fanbase."

Logan nodded. "Yeah, yeah we wanted to create a new image, a new sound."

"And you're creating that new sound on the road. What's it like recording while on the road?"

I leaned into the microphone. "I've done it for my past two albums and really enjoyed it. There's going to be tons of new material and hopefully some collaborations."

Jay looked at her computer screen and I saw a video from last night's show. "Speaking of new material, last night was the first time you played your new single Night Like This. It's been requested nonstop since you released it. Any chance we get to hear it today?"

For the sake of both our management teams and the camera in the room, I raised my eyebrows playfully at Kendall.

"I don't know Kendall should we play them a little something?"

He forced a laugh and adjusted how he was sitting so he faced me. "Only because Jay asked nicely enough and only if she plays Big Time Rush's new song too."

"Done and done." Jay held up her hand in a mock oath. "Stay tuned Bay Area, we'll have an in-studio performance from Elle Harper as well as BTR after a word from our sponsors."

With that, she hit a button and took off her headphones. Commercials played on the station as we situated ourselves in the next room so we could perform. I cracked open a bottle of water and hummed to myself to warm up.

"Do you need anything?" Liz asked walking into the room. "You look good."

"I'm fine."

She looked over to the guys who were talking to Kelly. "Kendall isn't bothering you is he?"

I shrugged. "No more than he usually does. Why?"

"Just make sure to smile. You were good onstage last night but there aren't fans here to interact with instead of each other."

"Be nice to him and act like he isn't a dick with mood swings." I deadpanned, closing my water. "Got it."

Big Time Rush was performing first so I stood at the side of the room with Kelly and Liz. Gustavo was at the venue to keep things running smoothly. They were doing an acoustic version of their single Just Getting Started. It was catchy and easy to dance too, it was great to see live. It was the perfect opening number and hyped up the crowd.

"Hello, hello, you're listening to the Wild and you're just in time to hear Big Time Rush's new hit Just Getting Started," Jay announced from the room next to us. "Take it away guys."

Kendall started off the song and he and the guys clapped along quickly on the beat. Carlos joined in next and sang about how no one had seen the whole show yet and then it launched into the chorus. James and Logan harmonized in the background while Kendall sang about how they were just getting started and how the best was yet to come. He smiled as he tapped his foot to the rhythm. Just like my song, there was a lot of whoas in the chorus and the different voices created a layered effect. They each took turns and James and Logan had my favorite line in the song.

"Time to count it down, you can count me in." James' voice was energetic.

"Time to set it off, so let's begin." Logan finished while Kendall and Carlos sang on top of him.

The song was about how the band was far from over, after being together for five years people assumed they were almost done. But this proved otherwise, they were constantly improving and making the albums and tours bigger and better. I swayed to the beat and mouthed the words to myself as I clapped with them. When they noticed this they seemed to like it. Even Kendall look at me, clearly amused.

Once they finished Jay did a small filler praising the song. Kendall and the guitarist stayed where they were and the others moved to the side of the room. I sat on the stool next to him and shortened the microphone stand.

"And now here to perform her already smash hit Night Like This, here's Elle Harper and Kendall Knight."

The guitarist counted me in and I started the song. This was the second time I had sung the song other than the recording booth so it was still a little nerve-wracking. Kendall joined in and smiled at me, it was almost reassuring. Once we got to the chorus and both clapped I relaxed, letting myself move to the music.

"I can feel my heartbeat, electric to my fingertips. Whoa, oh, oh." Our voices blended together. "I can feel anticipation through my veins."

We finished the first chorus and got to the line about getting to know me better. Kendall seemed genuine when he sang it and he leaned closer to me, he grinned and danced a little. To anyone watching we seemed comfortable, friendly even. Which was exactly what I needed to happen. If only the fans knew that he was temperamental and rude behind the scenes. But to his credit he was a good actor, it seemed like he actually enjoyed my company. I made sure to interact with him and play to the camera in the room. We reached the end of the song and I really made an effort to get close to him.

"Oh, anything can happen on a night like this."

He returned my smile. "On a night like this."

The camera was still rolling so we gave each other a high five. Pretending to be friendly came easily when there was an audience to hold us accountable.

From the studio, next door Jay clapped and spoke to the listeners.

"I'm calling it right now Night Like This is going to be the song of the summer. I just want to thank Elle and Big Time Rush for coming down today. There are still a few tickets left for their show tonight. I know I wouldn't want to miss it."

She slipped off her massive headphones and joined us. The six of us took a picture together and we signed a tour poster for a giveaway. And then just as quickly as we got there, we were ushered out by our handlers and security.

"That went well, you both sounded good." Liz complimented as we piled into an SUV. "Gustavo is waiting at the venue for a tech rehearsal."

Kelly confirmed this and checked her watch. "After that, there's a meet and greet for some contest winners which is the basic picture and signing deal. You have two interviews scheduled that will bring us to soundcheck and then you'll go into makeup."

Just hearing my schedule for the day was exhausting but I wouldn't have it any other way. Tour was grueling at times but being back out on the road and with fans made it worth it. And having friends like James, Logan and Carlos made things much more enjoyable.

"We all discussed it and it seems that your friendship with the guys is something the fans really like so keep playing that up onstage." Liz cut in pointing at all of us. "So far everyone believes you all like each other."

It had been nearly two months since first announcing the tour with Big Time Rush and we had grown pretty close. So, for the most part, it wasn't hard to mess around with the guys other than Kendall, but even that was getting a bit better. Between last night and how we just interacted at the radio station made me think that we would be able to keep up our professionalism.

"That won't be hard. As long as these guys don't get sick of me."

"Sick of you?" James questioned, faking shock and then flashing a grin. "I could never."

"We're only two days into the tour, Diamond. I wouldn't be so quick to say that." I turned, gesturing in front of me. "We have a long summer ahead of us."

Logan leaned forward from the third row. "You'll be sick of us by then."

"You remember who I've toured with," I said referring to some of the other pop stars and girl groups I had spent summers with. "I'm just happy there won't be any catfights or girl drama. And who knows? Maybe by the end of the tour, Kendall won't hate me."

He snorted. "Hate's a strong word. I prefer the term strongly disagree with on a fundamental level."

"I'd call that progress." Carlos offered, jostling him. "Maybe by the end of the tour you won't strongly disagree with her on a fundamental level."

A wry smile slid up Kendall's face as he considered this. "We'll see about that."

The first thing Gustavo said to me when I walked into the venue was surprisingly positive. In fact, it took me a few seconds to comprehend it.

"Elle, last night was better than we could have hoped for, the critics and both labels really liked what they saw." He said in lieu of hello. "Enjoy it, be proud and do it again tonight."

"Uh, yeah. Of course, I will." I stuttered out. "Thank you."

Gustavo wasn't one to stroke egos and moved into a quick tech rehearsal. It was simple, all we did was test out our microphones and do a safety run through so we knew where all the fireworks were. Once we were done with that it was onto a meet and greet with a group of fans.

We walked into a hallway where a background had been set up to take pictures in front of. There was a long line of fans who screamed when they saw the guys and few girls who called out to me.

"Hey guys, thanks for coming out." James welcomed them all. "We're going to get to all of you so just hang out and enjoy yourselves."

There hadn't been a meet and greet last night so this was the first time I was really interacting with fans.

"Oh my god, I missed you." One girl with braces gushed. "I was in serious withdrawal."

I laughed. "I missed you too. Thank you for coming out."

I wrapped my arms around the girl as the photographer took a picture. I signed her poster and sent her on her way to pick up a gift bag.

The fans were all sweet as we took group pictures and signed posters. The Rushers had been more welcoming than I thought they would be, which I was thankful for. The guys knew how to interact with their fans on a personal level which was really endearing. When a small girl had been crying out of excitement they wasted no time comforting her.

"Don't cry." Carlos put his arm around her. "Come on, don't be shy."

Logan crouched down to the girl's level. "You want us to sign your poster?"

She held it out for them to sign. "T-Thank you."

Kendall picked her up and put her on his hip. "You want to smile for the camera?"

We crowded together and posed for a picture. The girl had seemed to calm down a bit and hugged Kendall before he set her down.

"Have a good time at the show." When he stood up he saw me looking. "What?"

"I don't know, seeing you being nice to children is strange."

He looked over at the girl who was holding her mom's hand. "You don't like kids?"

I shrugged. "Not the biggest fan, but I didn't think you'd like them more than I did."

"I told you, I'm nice I just disagree with you."

"On a fundamental level?" I mocked, elbowing him in the ribs.

He shook his head, smiling as he did so. "Exactly."

The meet and greet continued as more fans got their pictures taken and posters signed. We had even been given gifts, one girl had made a detailed sketch of me and two girls had made the boys a scrapbook. Seeing how much care went into these gifts was touching. The fans were mostly girls with a best friend or a parent so when a guy walked up I was surprised.

"So are you a fan of me or Big Time Rush?" I greeted. "Because you're not exactly typical."

He pointed to the seven-year-old who was animatedly talking to the guys. "That would be my sister. I, however, am a fan of yours."

"Is that so? It's always nice to meet a fan. I'm Elle."

"Connor." He shook my hand and smirked. "Can I get a picture?"

I put my arm around his shoulders and he wrapped his arm around my middle. We posed for a picture and I signed his poster, looking up at him as I did so.

"Hope you enjoy the show."

"You bet."

I waved as he took his sister and walked off. We wrapped up the meet and greet as the final fans got to meet us. It had been so long since I got to really interact with them one on one. It felt good to give something back to those who had supported me. That fact they stayed by my side when most people had left meant the world to me. I couldn't thank them enough so it was more than a pleasure to take the time to meet them. Seeing their excitement made me stoked for tonight's show and it made having to sit through two more interviews almost unbearable.

"You just flirt everywhere you go, don't you?" Kendall asked under his breath as we walked down the hall. "First at the radio station and now here. No wonder it's so easy to get you undressed."

"It's called being personable." I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of pissing me off. "It's not affecting you."

The guys and I had settled into a back room, waiting for our interviews to start. He sat on the couch, looking smug.

"It just puts everything into perspective. How you flirt to get what you want."

"Or I just have talent and a strong work ethic," I said quickly as the first interviewer walked in. "I'm not getting into this right now."

To his credit, or more likely the threat of Gustavo scolding him, Kendall behaved during our interviews. He laughed at the jokes I made and when we played a game he was on my team. When he was asked what it was like to work with me he was polite.

"Elle is really talented and has this way of writing songs that I'm jealous of." He flattered, jerking his thumb toward me. "She's great to work with."

But when the cameras were off and we were alone his maturity vanished. I couldn't help but point out the hypocrisy as I was about to go on stage later that night.

"You're such a fake person. Aren't you?" I questioned as I attached my inner earpiece to my outfit. "You're an asshole to people but suck up to them in public."

He shook his head dismissively. "Or it's just part of my work ethic."

Clearly, he was mocking what I said earlier. "So mature Kendall. Really it's astounding."

"At least I don't have to flirt to make an impression."

I leaned up and whispered in his ear and my voice was harsh. "At least I can actually flirt and my game isn't weak."

"There's nothing weak about me. I'm just not a slut."

"Of course there's nothing weak about you." I pretended to be sympathetic. "But just because you're dating the most boring person on the face of the earth doesn't mean I can't have fun."

This got under his skin because his nostrils flared. "Jo isn't boring don't bring her into this. At least she knows how to respect herself. You, on the other hand, get drunk and let anyone have a turn with you and call it fun to make yourself feel better."

My stomach sank when I heard his words. He didn't know just how accurate he was. I called what happened with Jett meaningless fun as a way to live with it. But he didn't need to know that. So I drew in a breath and ruffled my hair.

"I'll show you just how much fun I can have."

My opening set went well. The fans were just as welcoming as they were last night, they sang and danced along and it felt like I was in the right place. Night Like This proved to be the highlight of the act. When Kendall came out the screams were louder and the crowd all moved as one. Even though I was singing with him it was still fun, because I knew that I had written most of the song. I was now lingering by the side of the stage waiting for my cue to join the guys during their set.

I walked out onto the stage just before my verse. I cozied up to James and Carlos and danced with them.

"Hey baby you drive me crazy, it ain't about what you've done for me lately." I sang grinding my hips against James'. I then turned to Carlos and winked at him "It's all about you. No lie it's the truth. Just want to say I got a big-time crush on you."

I pressed my hand to Carlos' cheek and smiled at him while I sang that line. The fans all shrieked. And from the other side of the stage, Logan was chuckling at Kendall who was trying not to roll his eyes.

"I know you know, we've got something." He sang back to me.

We finished the song and launched into Count on You. Unfortunately, a good deal of the song was sung with Kendall but I danced around instead of singing with him. When I was done with my guest appearance I waved and thanked the fans once more. I loved headlining a tour but there was something about being the opening act that I found relaxing. I was done early and comfortable on the bus by the time the guys returned.

"That's another show officially in the books." Logan was saying as they walked in. "And a good one I might add."

I raised the water bottle I had on the table. "And to all the other ones to come!"

"Who could forget our incredible opener?" Carlos asked sitting next to me. "That was priceless."

"He said I had too much fun," I said simply. "I wanted to show him what fun really looked like."

James looked up from his phone. "He's always been intimidated by people who can let loose. He's more uptight than Logan is sometimes."

"Rude." Logan punched him in the arm. "But he's not wrong. We try to tell him there's nothing wrong with being laid back."

I stood from the table and grabbed my purse. "I'll be back."

I walked around to the side of the bus and lit up a cigarette. I blew smoke from my mouth and let myself decompress. My eyes were shut as the nicotine helped me unwind.

"Ugh, fuck me." I heard a groan of irritation.

I opened one eye and saw Kendall coming around to the side of the bus, a cigarette hanging from his mouth.

"I'm fine thanks." I joked. "But you can smoke. I don't care."

He stood a few feet away from me and we smoked in silence. I made a point to blow my smoke in his direction just to be petty.

"The fans really like you." He spoke up. "When we sang together you could see it."

"It's because I like to have fun. But they like you and the guys too." I turned to face him. "And say what you want about me but we make a good team."

"I never said we didn't." He pointed out. "We just don't get along."

I scuffed my shoe against my cigarette to put it out before stepping into the bus. "You implied it though."

Our next show was in northern California so we didn't leave San Francisco right away. This gave us time to see how the fans responded to tonight's show. We were all scrolling through our social media when Carlos broke into laughter.

"You won't believe this." He showed me his phone. "People are taking your joke seriously and started shipping us."

"No way." I looked at his screen and someone had posted a picture of me touching his face. "It's in the song of course I said I had a crush."

James crossed his arms. "You flirted with me too and we'd be a way better couple."

I ruffled his hair. "Don't worry you'll get your turn."

He brightened and pulled me into a hug. "Sorry, Los."

I smiled, they were ridiculous. But it was nice to be friends with guys without it being weird. Even though we all flirted it was clear we were all joking. But if it got the tour more attention I would keep it up.

"Are you going to fool around with all my friends?" Kendall asked, taking out an earbud.

I gave a shrug and winked. "If they let me. I do have a lot of fun. Isn't that right boys?"

James pushed me against the counter and pretended to kiss me on the neck. He just buried his head there without actually kissing me.

"Tons of fun." Logan and Carlos agreed.

"Seriously man, stop being a wet blanket." James encouraged. "Loosen up."

"I am loose. Just not as loose as her."

I didn't let that insult get to me. I was in too good of a mood tonight to let Kendall get to me with such a cheap shot. Once the bus started toward the next stop we all went our separate ways. Carlos and Logan went to the lounge to play video games. James had decided to turn in early and Kendall was in his bunk too. I was alone in the front of the bus, writing. The rocking of the bus was relaxing and helped clear my head.

If I was being truthful I was still out of sorts from seeing Jett last night. Coming face to face with the man who had assaulted me had been stressful and circled in my brain. He had been so casual as if he had done nothing wrong. I could still feel his warm lips kiss my cheek. I could see his smirk and hear the way he lingered on my name. And I thought about the aftermath of that night. Not just about what did it did to my career I thought about one of the many other secrets. There had been so much fallout from the incident. It still stung and I needed to get my mind off of it. So I had buried myself in a new song, there was no title yet but it was about how what he did still hurt me. How he was a desperate, drug addict who was so high most of the time he didn't know what it was like to be normal.

"You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope. I hope you make it to the day you're 28 years old."

Jett had always joked about joining the 27 club and some days I had believed him. I worked on the song for a while before needing to stretch my legs. I had only written a few songs about what had happened to me but each time was difficult. I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a fresh bottle of water. I leaned against the counter as Kendall walked out from the bunks. His hair was mussed and for the first time, I noticed the tattoos he had. A sugar skull was on his upper arm and there was a stitched up heart on the other. Those weren't the only ones but they were the most prominent. For someone who was so big on having a good image, it was surprising.

"You're still awake?" He questioned.

I shrugged. "I'm writing. Nice tattoos by the way, very out of character for Saint Kendall. First the cigarettes and now this."

He actually snorted at this, smiling a bit. "Like I said I'm full of surprises."

"I can see that."

He looked over at the notebook on the table. "Is it going well?"

"Well enough I guess. It's just hard."

"You'll figure it out." He reassured me, reaching towards the fridge. "I meant what I said about you being a talented songwriter."

For some reason, this was exactly what I needed to hear. "Thanks. I needed to hear that."

The bus took a sharp curve and Kendall was sent crashing into me. He braced himself against the cabinets. Both of his arms were over my head and his tall frame leaned over me. My body brushed against his and I steadied myself by grabbing his hips. He looked down at me, his face was unreadable but he bit his lip.

"Sorry." I flushed, moving my hands. "Must have taken a wide turn."

Kendall still had his arms above me and he let out a small breath. His green eyes wandered down from mine, stopping at my lips and he lingered just a moment too long.

"Kendall?"

He blinked a few times and inhaled sharply before he realized he was still pinning me to the counter. Quickly, he dropped his arms and took a step back. He grabbed his water and cleared his throat.

"Uh, sorry." He muttered. "Good luck with the song. Goodnight."

I watched as he shut the door leading to the bunks with a slam. He couldn't get out of the room fast enough.

"Thanks," I called out, alone once more. "Goodnight, Kendall."

* * *

AN: Kendall and Elle's relationship seems to be growing! The next chapter picks things up a bit focuses on their rivalry. What did you think of their little moment at the end of the chapter? I hope you enjoyed Rushers, see you next week!


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Thanks for the reads/reviews last time. I appreciate all of you! This update shows Elle having an epiphany. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

"Vegas! You've been absolutely amazing. So amazing, that I have a treat for you." I teased as I walked to the center of the stage. "I have a brand new song that I'm going to play for you right now. Do you want to hear it?"

I cupped my hand to my ear and listened to them scream. As exciting as it was to debut new material it was also nervewracking. This song had come to me after seeing Jett last week at our opening show. I had worked on it in San Francisco and recorded it the past few days. Turning out content so quickly felt rewarding. Seeing Jett had stirred up some old emotions and getting them out was a good way to cope with them.

"This one is called Colors." I walked back to the microphone stand and the lights dimmed. "I hope you like it."

The stage was awash with blue lighting and the band started playing.

"Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so. You said your mother only smiled on her TV show." I began, lifting my head up. I gritted my teeth as I sang the next line. "You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope. I hope you make it to the day you're 28 years old."

He always appeared so strong, confident, but the chink in his armor was his family. I could remember the day I met his mom and brother. She had been cynical and bitter and his little brother was distant. I could still remember how vulnerable he had been. It stuck with me because it was jarring to see someone so arrogant be so broken. Of course, that's why he was so dependent on drugs it was manufactured happiness. Jett had joked about joining the 27 club full of famous people who died at that age. And some nights it had seemed possible. Even though I hated him for what he did I hoped he'd make it.

"Everything is blue, his pills, his hands, his jeans. And now I'm covered in the colors pulled apart at the seams. And it's blue." I sang as I reached the chorus. "And it's blue."

I could picture him now, shoveling down his blue antidepressant. The way his fingertips turned blue from lack of oxygen when he overdosed one night towards the end of our relationship. That sadness had leaked out and affected me, tore me apart until I had nothing left.

 _"Jett!" I shouted, shaking him. "Jett please wake up. Shit oh_ my _god."_

 _The bottle of pills was scattered across his coffee table and his fingers were blue. His breathing was shallow and all I could do was panic._

 _"P-Please don't do this." I whimpered. "Jett come on!"_

He had been checked into the hospital for a few days but was pissed I called an ambulance. He hadn't been trying to kill himself but was 'taking a break from reality' as he called it. It was that anger that drove him to cheat on me. He had slept with Heather Fox to get back at me for trying to embarrass him. The reason we had been in that club was that he was trying to make it up to me. For the past year, it had nagged in the back of my mind that maybe it was my fault. If I hadn't called an ambulance I never would have ended up in the club.

"Everything is grey, his hair, his smoke, his dreams. And now he's so devoid of color. And he don't know what it means. And he's blue, and he's blue."

The crowd seemed to like the song as I moved. It was a sad song but it was upbeat, with an electronic sound to it. I flashed a fake smile and tapped my foot on the beat. Singing this had been harder than I thought as memories of my time with him flashed in my head.

Jett was 24 so of course, he didn't have grey hair, but that night in the club the lighting had made it look that way. And the stress he was under would probably make it grey sooner rather than later. He was fond of smoking pot when he was sad. The smoke was grey just like he was. He was so talented but he could never seem to get a big picture of what his life could be. He would always make dark jokes when he was fucked up.

 _He had just taken a big hit and blew smoke, it curled from his lips and up to the ceiling. His eyes were red and his knuckles were bruised from where he had hit the wall after getting into a fight with his parents. His dad apparently had made a rare visit and it hadn't gone well._

 _"He said I could be in something better than Newtown High." He scoffed. "He doesn't even fucking know me."_

 _I rubbed his back as we sat in bed. "I mean you can do anything. You're Jett Stetson. You could win an Oscar o-or reinvent TV I don't know."_

 _Jett just shrugged and laughed dryly. "Or I could die."_

I interacted with the fans and danced around as I sang. They didn't know the words but clapped along to the beat with me. I sang about what it was like sleep with him when it was consensual it had always been amazing. But now I was waking up alone and I would never forgive him or his friends for what they had done to me. They had filmed the whole thing for Jett as a joke. That kind of betrayal could never be forgotten.

"You're dripping' like a saturated sunrise. You're spilling like an overflowing sink."

That was what was so unbelievable about Jett. For as troubled as he was, he was incredible. He always tripped over his words, his brain moved so quickly. I always thought he had to be a genius, that it is what a prodigy was like. But looking back it was just the drugs he had pumped into his body to feel something. But he was this mixture of pure talented and ambitious that made him unstoppable. He was a young god. This had been something that we called each other, we thought we'd take over the world.

"You're ripped at every edge but you're a m-masterpiece." My voice wavered and my chest grew tight.

But for all his talent, he had been so broken. His parent's breakup had messed him up, the pressure he felt took a toll. But he was talented and had this charisma that pulled me right in. He kept me hanging on his every word even until the end. He was damaged and vulnerable but could turn into this man that everyone wanted to be or be with. It was sickening to witness now, how easily he could seduce people just like he did me.

The chorus repeated and I reached the bridge of the song. I had written two versions of it but I ended up going with this one in the studio.

"You were red, but you liked me because I was blue. And you touched me, and suddenly I was a lilac sky. Then you decided purple just wasn't for you"

Something Jett said he had always liked about me is how I was the opposite of him. He was all fire and energy while I was more reserved when he met me. But then we had mixed and it was like he was a part of me. I changed, I partied more I took more risks. But after the tape, I tried to party away the memories and he hadn't like that. Apparently, the way he rubbed off on me hadn't been what he wanted. He wanted someone easy to influence. The press had been bad for both of us and he didn't want to be mixed up with me anymore.

I repeated the chorus once more and the line about everything being blue. It was about more than just Jett's sadness after he left and hurt me I had been low. And sometimes I still was.

"Everything's blue, it's blue."

When I finished the audience was cheering, they seemed to really like it. My heart warmed this was the first song I had written about Jett since the incident. It was liberating to get it off my chest, even more so now that I knew people liked it.

The rest of my set when well. Kendall and I sang Night Like This without any trouble and when I joined the guys on stage during their performance we had fun. All in all, it was a good show. Now that we were nearly a week into tour the nerves were mostly gone. After I was done on stage I had retired to the studio bus for the night. The guys and I planned on having a writing session on the way to our next stop.

"Elle the new song is dope." James complimented climbing on the bus. "Is that what you were working on the other day?"

"Thanks," I said bumping his fist. "And yeah, that's why I was holed up in here. Two songs down only a whole album to go."

"Dude you'll totally get there. They're both good songs. That hook is killer though, you have to write a song with us." Carlos sat down across from me. "Seriously."

Their compliments made me flush. "Thank you and of course. We have six hours to Utah so we have time."

There were the footsteps of someone coming up the stairs. Logan came walking into the front lounge. "It may be longer than six hours, apparently there's a traffic jam just outside of Vegas."

"Even better then." I shrugged opening my notebook to a clean sheet of paper. "Idle time makes for good songs."

While we were trapped next to the venue we took time to unwind. Performing was great and all but it was draining. Luckily, Kendall wasn't there to irritate me apparently he was having a Facetime date with Jo on the other bus. But eventually, Logan spoke up, we were still waiting to leave.

"The fans seem to like Colors." He held up his phone. "They really like the bridge."

Hearing that was rewarding. "So do I, it's the first song I've put out about Jett so it just means a lot."

"So it's about him?" Carlos sat up. "I didn't want to bring it up."

I blew air and threw up my hands. "It's been a year, I have to get over it sometime."

"What happened anyway? I mean I remember seeing the video but is that the whole story?" James asked delicately. "Sorry, I'm just curious."

"No, it's fine. Uh, that's not all that happened." I covered my face and groaned. "Basically, we went out with his friends. He got me drunk and took me into the bathroom. His friends, unbeknownst to me, filmed it as a joke. I was too drunk to notice anything, let alone stop them. And when we got into a fight he put it out there."

They frowned, clearly disgusted with my story. If they had known the full details it would have been even worse. But for now, I kept it brief.

"And then you all saw how he acted like the victim. I got all the negative attention and that was that I became this pariah. And here I am on tour with you guys, trying to cling to any dignity I have left."

"That's awful." Logan commiserated. "You didn't even know and you caught all the flack for it."

I sighed, laughing a bit. "Yeah, suddenly you go from meeting people who are your biggest fans and then after the video it was like everybody wants to know if we fucked on the bathroom sink."

The last few words I spoke stuck with me so I wrote them down.

"Well, it's really shitty what happened to you. But I'm glad you're on tour with us." Carlos offered, patting my shoulder. "You don't owe anyone anything."

"Tell that to Kendall," I muttered. "He seems to hate me for it and it doesn't even affect him. I don't have to fucking tell him anything."

"You don't he's an asshole sometimes."

I fiddled with my pen, capping it and uncapping it. "When it happened everyone wanted to know the most random stuff. Like how we stayed out all night and if we were high. It was gross and here you have Kendork being hung up on it."

"Ignore him, like Logan said he can be an asshole. I think it's the whole powerful woman thing you have going on."

"Was he even a good boyfriend?"

Carlos' question was surprising, no one had asked me that since our breakup. We had been together for almost 2 years at the time. So there were a lot of memories. I shifted in my seat, trying to collect my thoughts. I picked a loose thread on my shirt, there was a mix of emotions bubbling up inside me.

"At times. We met when I sang on the soundtrack for one of his movies. Sometimes he was great, most of the time actually. But he got into partying and drugs and dragged me down." I explained, wringing my hands. "But he was usually really sweet it made up for his self-centeredness, mostly. I was his longest relationship."

"I know we all thought it was weird he had a girlfriend for so long." Logan agreed. "He was always flirting when he lived at the Palm Woods."

I rolled my eyes, dismayed. "He always had a thing for Jo he would always talk about how hot she was. I don't understand she's nice enough but I don't know she's—" I gestured, squinting a bit. "Dry, I guess?"

James snickered. "Dry?"

"I don't know. But she's a good match for Kendall, they're both giant bitches." Jo and I had been around each other when I would visit Jett on set. She was always welcoming but seemed boring and standoffish. To be fair I was never the nicest to her. "She is pretty but I don't see the appeal. She's just too boring for my taste, she is nice enough though."

There was slamming of the bus door and the stomping of someone coming up the stairs. Kendall stood there, eyes narrowed.

"Keep Jo's name out of your mouth." He demanded. "And for the record she's not dry and the appeal is that she's incredible. And she doesn't have to take her clothes off to make people like her."

"What's with you coming out of nowhere to be an asshole?"

"What's with you being a slut and a bitch?" He shot back. "The last I checked it was you that was talking shit first."

I scoffed, laughing a bit. "Give me a break, from day one you've been an asshole to me."

"Because I don't want you on tour with us. You're bringing all of us down! You get up there almost entirely naked every night, sing your generic songs and make us look bad." Kendall rattled off, his eyes burning with anger. "And I'm supposed to be thankful for it and let you run your mouth about Jo?"

His words made me flinch slightly. "Well tell me how you really feel," I replied coolly. "You think I'm some washed up slut, I get it."

"Your words not mine." He shrugged. "But since you said it, I do think that. You're a hack who's only considerable talent is letting people sleep with you."

This time his words actually hurt, but I shook my head. "Such a one-track mind. That's all you think about, isn't it? Me in the bathroom with Jett?"

"It's hard not too when it's what's pushing our fans away."

"Oh because this is definitely about the fans and not how you're intimidated by a woman who isn't afraid of her sexuality." I leaned in closer to him, gathering my courage. "Maybe it's because you liked what you saw."

Behind me, the guys all guffawed under their breaths. Kendall snorted and glared down at me.

"Never."

"You hate me because of it, just like I hate myself." I sneered at him. "Why don't we get along?"

"Because I'd never sink so low to your level." His voice was quiet, threatening. "Now keep my girlfriend's name out of your dirty, depraved mouth. I'll pretend to like you on stage but just know we'll never get along."

I pointed to the door. "Whatever just get out of my face. You're sucking up all the air."

"Gladly." He looked at his friends. "Are you seriously staying in here?"

"Yeah because we think she's talented and a good person. She's just trying to get her career back, don't get down on her for that." Carlos defended me, standing up. "I think you should go."

"You don't have to tell me twice."

He stormed down the aisle and the door slammed shut. Carlos put a hand on my shoulder and I shut my eyes.

"Are you okay?"

For the first time, I noticed my hands were shaking. Having to say I enjoyed that night with Jett made me physically ill. I held my hand to my forehead and shook my head.

"I-I think I just need to be alone for a few minutes," I whispered, my throat was sore from the shouting. "If that's okay?"

"Of course, come on guys."

James and Logan followed behind. Logan stopped to give me a peck on the cheek and a supportive smile, I gave a weak one back. Once I was alone I sunk onto the couch, holding my head up.

"Fucking asshole." I seethed. "Misogynistic, no good victim blamer."

Kendall certainly wasn't the first person to make assumptions about me. I'm sure he wouldn't be the last either. But the thought of having to be around him all hours of the day for the next few months was almost panic-inducing. I had my fights in the past over this but this constant struggle was too much.

"I can't get along with anyone like that." I thought. "It's every day."

Fighting like this was awful for my mental health, having to think about Jett constantly was wearing on me. When it had first happened I had wondered if things would ever be alright. Signing onto this tour made me think they would be but now I was walking on eggshells. Kendall thought I was just a slut, so did other people all over the world.

"That's all they'll ever see me as. A slut in that bathroom or onstage." I told myself. "I'll never get past this."

That's when it clicked. If I couldn't stop people from seeing me as a slut, I'd own it. I would own the title of it so well it wouldn't be an insult it would be a badge of honor. It would lose its sting and people would drop it. After all, if you can't beat them, join them.

"If a slut is what Kendall wants," I said slowly picking up my notebook. "A slut is what Kendall will get."

* * *

AN: Elle is going to get back at Kendall! What did you think of their fight? The next chapter is kinda raunchy and the story picks up a lot from here on out. To respond to a review, Elle and Kendall's banter will be fun in a flirty way in a few chapters. I hope you enjoyed and please review. See you next week, Rushers!

Thanks!


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Hello! Sorry for the one week break but due to the holidays I was travelling. I hope you understand. Thank you for the review and for reading. This chapter is a bit raunchy. There's nothing more than kissing but there's a party scence. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I hope you enjoy it and please review. Thanks!

* * *

Salt Lake City proved to be beautiful. Picturesque mountains sat off in the distance and despite the rain, fans had been lined up outside the arena for hours. It was nearly time for the doors to open and I looked out the large window down at the people.

"They sure are dedicated aren't they?" I asked looking over my shoulder. "It's been raining for hours."

"Yeah, they're great." Logan agreed. "It's why we have the best fans ever. Is your new song coming out tonight?"

"That's the plan. I'm a bit nervous."

It had been a few days since our Vegas show where I premiered Colors. Having a new song come out so soon was stressful. But I was really driven to put out as much music as possible. The song I was singing tonight was edgier, grittier and if I was being honest, sluttier. At least that's how I wanted it to be viewed. Ever since Kendall and I got into a fight last week I was determined to wear the term 'slut' as a badge of honor. We had been operating in professional silence when we weren't onstage or doing an interview. I think he had finally come to understand the expression if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. This was a blessing because I could finally focus on songwriting.

"It's a great song even Gustavo said so, it's going to be stuck in everyone's heads."

"Fingers crossed," I told him. "It's a bit dirty so I'm sure Saint Kendall will have something to say about it."

Logan gave a dry laugh. "I'm sure but he's rude. Just get up there and own it, you're a badass."

I turned from where I was making tea. "You know that's surprisingly helpful."

"I'm full of great advice." He nodded toward my cup. "What are you making?"

"Tea, the Elle Harper method. It's patent pending." I squeezed a few packets of honey and stirred. "It's black tea, a lot of honey and because you're cute I'll show you my secret."

He raised an eyebrow. "Your secret?"

"You add cold water so you can drink it sooner," I said pouring in the water. "See that way you have time before you go on stage."

Logan took a drink. "It's good, I'll take the secret to the grave."

"You can have that cup." I laughed as I made a second one. "My plan of not letting Kendall make me feel bad about myself is underway tonight."

"Oh really?"

"Yep. I'm going to show him that he won't get under my skin."

Logan clinked his cup to mine. "Cheers to that. It's going to be great."

* * *

By the time show time rolled around I was a flurry of nerves. I knew my new song was great but I worried about how it would be received. Colors and Night Like This were tame and the first line of this song was attention-getting. I was singing it right before my duet with Kendall so I was interested to see his reaction. The guys and I figured there would be no better way to show that he wouldn't get to me. I had just wrapped up a song when I took a drink of water.

"Salt Lake, I have a new song I want to play for you guys." The audience cheered loudly. "And I'm hoping you all like it."

The lights went down and I took a deep breath. I could see the guys standing at the side of the stage, they all gave me a big thumbs up. Kendall was watching with some interest, I flashed him a smile as the drums started. It had more of a rock sound to it.

"Everyone wants to know if we _fucked_ on the bathroom sink." I ran my hand up my side and into my hair. "How your hands felt in my hair and if we were high on amphetamines."

My voice was sultry and the look on Kendall's face was priceless, I turned to the crowd. I sang about how Jett gripped my hips and they all freaked out, it was obvious it was about him. I swayed my hips as I sang, growing more confident with each line. The song was about Jett and how after the tape came out everyone was dying to know what actually happened. It was also about how Kendall assumed things about me based on it.

"I'm going to write it all down and I'm going to sing it on stage." I pointed to Kendall during the next line. "But I don't have to fucking tell you anything."

This song was empowering, what happened to me was awful but I was owning it. I was taking my life back and showing everyone what they thought didn't matter. I made sure to keep my dancing sexy as I moved around the stage. The fans really seemed to like it which made everything that much better.

"No, no, I don't have to fucking tell you anything."

Once I finished I took in the audience's reaction. They were all screaming and clapping it was rewarding just like the look the guys gave me. They were whooping from the side except for Kendall who laughed sarcastically.

"Thank you, I'm glad you liked it." I grinned at them. "Just like I know you're going to like my friend. Kendall get on out here."

Once he walked out his scowl turned into a smile, he waved at everyone as he joined me. I was quick to drape my arm around him, he was stiff but didn't show his irritation.

"What did you think of my song?" I batted my eyes. "It was the one I was working on that night on the bus."

We both thought of the way he had me pinned to the counter and how he seemed to get distracted. He cleared his throat and went a bit red.

"I thought it was pretty good. What did you all think?"

The crowd didn't notice our quiet feud or how he rolled his eyes.

"You're all too sweet," I told them honestly. "Well if you know this song sing along!"

We performed Night Like This without any trouble. Kendall made sure to interact with me every so often but kept a good distance between us.

"Kendall Knight everyone!" I gestured to him. "How good does he look tonight?"

He forced a laugh. "Elle c'mon stop."

"It's true," I smirked at him. "Aren't Kendall and his friends so great?"

There was a frenzy of screams and various cries as the fangirls answered my question. Kendall ground his teeth as a blush spread across his face.

"Thank you guys, we'll see you soon."

Kendall ignored me as he walked offstage and I secretly applauded myself, so far this was going well. I finished the rest of my set a while later. I had performed Colors once more and a few older songs. Each night the crowds seemed to get more enthusiastic. Once I came off stage my smile was wide but it fell when Kendall blocked my path.

"Excuse me."

He crossed his arms and stood his ground. He was sneering and looked down at me.

"What the hell was that?"

I pointed over my shoulder. "That's called the opening act, you're the headliner and this is called a tour," I said slowly. "I'm Elle and your name is Kendall."

He wasn't amused at my joke. "No, what the hell was that onstage? 'How great does Kendall look' the way you put an arm around me?"

"Well, we need to make the people think that I don't think you're misogynistic scum. It's called acting."

"It's called flirting." He raised his voice. "I have a girlfriend."

I shrugged. "Yeah well, I feel sorry for her."

Kendall groaned and rubbed his fists into his eyes. "Stop flirting with me and my friends. It's annoying."

I laughed and flipped my hair over my shoulder. "If I were flirting with you, you'd know."

"Knock it off." He told me. "I mean it."

I took my chance to breeze by him. "We'll see about that. Have a good show!"

During Big Time Rush's set I sang two songs with them, Count on You and I Know, You Know. So I never wandered too far from the stage so I would be there to hit my cue. Not that I minded watching them perform, but tonight I changed into a different outfit. It was gold and tight, it was the same outfit I wore in rehearsals a few weeks ago. It made my brown skin look even better and it was revealing. I smiled as the guys talked to each other on stage.

"You know what this next song needs?" Carlos asked. "I think it needs another voice, too bad we don't have another person."

"If only we had a super talented opening act." James chuckled.

That was my cue so I walked out and the audience cheered. "Hi boys. I hear you need another voice."

Logan, James, and Carlos were all aware of my plan to stand my ground with Kendall. They weren't surprised at my outfit choice or my blatant flirting but Kendall's eyebrows shot up when he saw to me. I could see him try to hide his disgust.

"Look who it is. Elle Harper everybody!" Logan introduced. "How great was she during her set?"

I waved as I fixed my inner ear piece. "Not as great as you guys."

Kendall gave me a smile like he had been instructed to. "How about you help us with this next song?"

"You can count on me." I joked, laughing at my pun.

Count on You was a fun song to perform. Jordin Sparks sang it originally with them but I got to cover it. Kendall and I started it off and I made sure to give him lots of grins and touch his arm. I could see him swallow his irritation as he sang his lines and when they were over he quickly moved away. We all sang the chorus and did the dance routine. Carlos, James, and Logan all sang with me and we all danced closely.

"Baby I'm counting on you." I snapped along. "I'm counting on you."

Once we finished the song we quickly launched into I Know, You Know. This time I interacted with the fans and touched their hands. No matter how annoyed I was with my tour mate or what was going on behind the scenes, this tour was about the fans. I only had one verse during this song, and when it came time to sing it I turned around to smile at the guys.

"I've got a big-time crush on you." I gave a wink as I walked back across the stage.

We finished up the song and I took my bow. James gave me a high five and leaned into my ear.

"Stay out here, just go with it."

I gave him a confused look but Logan was talking into his microphone.

"Actually Elle, we were wondering if you'd want to stay out for the next song?" Logan asked, coming over to me. "We could use some help."

The next song was Windows Down, I looked over to Liz who was with Gustavo watching the show. They shared a look and she gave me a thumbs up.

"I don't see why not." I craned my neck to look at Kendall. "You don't mind do you?"

Knowing he couldn't be rude he shrugged. "Let's do it."

The drums and guitar kicked in and I felt my stomach flutter with excitement. I was actually pretty stoked to perform with them, this was a favorite of mine. It was so high energy and the dance routine always looked like fun.

"Woohoo!" I chanted as I jumped up and down. "Woohoo!"

Carlos wrapped his arms around my waist as he sang.

"You're pretty baby." He smirked as he sang and touched my cheek. "But you know that."

I moved my hips in time with his as he sang his next line. I smirked as Kendall realized I was dancing with Carlos, he shook his head but sang his line. He kept his focus on the fans. Logan's verse was next and he spun me out of Carlos's hold and I pressed myself against his body. He pumped his hips as I ground into him. He had an arm around my stomach and rested his chin on my shoulder, hugging me from behind. Clearly, they were helping me show him that I wasn't going to change who I was.

"Everybody knows that I want you if you want me, baby, show me." Logan had a smug half smile on his face. We moved to the music and I had one hand in my hair, his hands were hot on my skin. He thrust against me and ran his hand through my hair. "Let it all go tonight."

The chorus was next so I pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before I joined the other guys. The fans were all shrieking at the sight of their idols acting their age for once. When Kendall and I made eye contact he rolled his eyes.

"All the windows down, when I'm rolling through your town!" I sang as I danced along with the guys. "Woohoo!"

"You drive me crazy, but you know that." James came up me and I took his snapback off his head. I fanned myself with it before putting it on my head. "Feel the breeze girl. Let's take a lap."

While Kendall sang, James and I laughed with each other. Kendall sounded pissed and he kept looking over his shoulder at us. I waved at him and turned away. James made a point to move closer to me and he grinned. Kendall had a fake smile on his face as he watched the four of us dance. Logan repeated his lines about wanting me and how I should show him. So I bent down in front of him and slowly moved back up, dragging my hand up his body. My chest was falling out of my top. He raised an eyebrow and my mouth just brushed against his.

"If you want me, baby show me." I sang back at him. He had an arm around my waist and dipped me.

During the breakdown, I followed their dance routine and moved my arms across my chest. I laughed loudly as we danced, it was actually really fun and not just because of the look on Kendall's face. James picked me up and my legs wrapped around his waist. He acted like he was going to kiss me before setting me on my feet. They were all really sweet to help me like this, it was touching. Literally.

"All the windows down, woohoo! Saying yeah, yeah, woohoo!"

We finished the song and I waved at the crowd and bowed. They all seemed slightly confused about what just happened but seemed into it.

"Elle Harper you guys, give it up!" Carlos shouted. "How great is she?"

"Thanks for having me, you guys."

Kendall had joined his friends at this point and was biting the inside of his cheek. I leaned into Kendall's ear, pretending to hug him.

" _That's_ what flirting looks like." I hissed. "Just so you know."

The guys pulled me into a sweaty hug and I moved my microphone away from my face.

"It's on tonight." I smirked.

* * *

"So do you want to tell me what the hump fest on stage was?" Liz asked, trying to hide her grin. "I didn't think you liked any of them?"

Liz and I were in my dressing room while BTR finished up. I cracked open a new bottle of water and waved my hand dismissively.

"I don't. Kendall told me to stop being a flirt and I was showing him what one actually looked like." I explained quickly. "If he's going to call me a slut I'm going to milk the shit out of it until it's not an insult anymore. Like when they called Dak Zevon gay and eventually he came out and everyone dropped it. You know fight fire with fire and all that."

She shook her head and folded her arms. "Gustavo and I aren't against it. I mean it helps the guys look like the 20-somethings they are. And it's getting your name back out there, just be careful Elle."

Liz didn't sound like my manager but like a friend. Ever since Jett she had been more protective of me, I appreciated it.

"I will, we're all just friends. Well, not Kendall but you know."

She laughed. "He is kind of a tool. Listen, I have some stuff to go over with Gustavo but take it easy okay? You're killing it and there's plenty of buzz about it."

"Night Liz."

She was already halfway out the door. "Goodnight."

By the time the guys had finished up I had showered and was on the bus. I hoped they would be up for some fun when they got here. It had been liberating to flirt openly like that.

"Hey, hey." James greeted as he walked into the back lounge. "What are you doing back here?"

I held up two bottles of vodka and tequila. "I was hoping we could continue the party?"

His face brightened. "Guys, it looks like Elle feels like a party."

"Really?" Logan asked. "Onstage wasn't enough for you?"

I shook my head. "A little party never killed anyone."

Carlos fiddled with the speakers and turned up some music.

"Kendall was pouting the rest of the set after you left."

"No way and I missed it?" I complained, filling my cup.

James had sat next to me. "Yeah. During our quick change, he was like 'so you're just molesting each other now?'"

This made me cringe, even from a distance he could rub me the wrong way.

"And then he asked if we were going to have a foursome?"

I snorted into my cup. "I don't even know how that's physically possible. But good, that's what he gets for being an asshole to me."

Logan took a hit from the bong they had stashed in a cabinet. Partying with them felt safe, I didn't feel so out of control like I had with Jett. There were footsteps outside the door.

"Speak of the devil," I muttered.

The door slid open and Kendall looked confused. "What's going on?"

"Just a little party. You should join us, or are you still a wet blanket?" James asked handing him a cup. "We're celebrating."

Kendall sniffed the cup and took a drink. "What are we celebrating?"

"Our newfound friendship with Elle."

Kendall actually laughed at this, revealing a set of dimples. "Oh really?"

"Yep, we're all super close if you can't tell." I stretched on the couch. "Live a little."

"Hard pass. That act you pulled made you look desperate."

It was my turn to laugh. "You're just upset I wasn't all over you."

Carlos pulled me onto his lap. "She's right you know."

"Whatever." He grumbled, sliding the door halfway shut. "Just don't give my friends an STD."

Once the door was shut I took a hit. My head soon felt like it was full of cotton. The bus rolled out of the parking lot and we dimmed the lights.

"It wasn't desperate you know?" Logan told me as he refilled his cup. "It was kind of hot."

This caught me off guard and I almost spit into my cup. "Oh really?"

"Yeah I-I mean it wasn't bad." A red flush crept up his neck.

I sat up. "Spin the bottle or strip truth or dare?"

"Both?" Carlos handed me a water bottle. "Every time spin the bottle you kiss and then you pick truth or dare. And when you kiss someone you have to strip."

We all seemed to agree and sat on the floor. James went first and the bottle landed on Logan. Immediately Carlos and I started laughing.

"Truth or dare?" I asked.

He sighed. "Uh, the truth I guess."

I didn't want to start off too strongly. "Would you rather be a solo artist or the in the band?"

"The band. I love these losers and I'm confident about my masculinity." He answered quickly. James pressed his lips to Logan's and when he pulled back he took off his sweatshirt. "Bring it on, I'm the most competitive."

Logan was blinking rapidly as he spun the bottle. When it landed on me I felt nervous for some reason, I knew these guys so well that it was a little weird.

"Truth or dare?" He smirked.

"Dare," I said boldly.

He thought for a moment and Carlos whispered in his ear. "Put this on snapchat."

"Oh, I've done way worse." I taunted pulling out my phone and handed it to Carlos. "Do it."

Logan pulled me into him and kissed me. I put my free hand in his hair and kissed him back, biting his lip. Behind us, the guys were whooping, when we broke the kiss I looked at the camera.

"It's game night on the bus. Stay tuned." I posted it on my story and pulled off my socks. "James may be competitive but I hate losing more than he does."

The music continued pounding and we were all a little drunk. The bottle landed on Logan when I spun it so we kissed again. This time he wasn't shy about running his hands up my sides.

"Truth or dare?" I asked him.

"Dare."

"Uh, the next time you kiss put it on snapchat," I said lamely, I couldn't really think of anything.

Logan took off his shoes and spun the bottle. It landed on Carlos and I took his phone, ready to film it. Neither of them had the same confidence James had about kissing another boy.

"Oh come on. You know you want to fool around." James taunted. "There's been sexual tension since high school."

Carlos laughed nervously and kissed Logan. It was actually kind of cute the way Carlos blushed afterward. I uploaded the video on Logan's story with the caption 'Finally!' and then gave his phone back. Carlos took his turn and kissed James who in returned dared him to go ask Kendall if there were any condoms on the bus.

"Don't be weird about it. We're not using them let's just hear his reaction."

Carlos pulled his tee shirt over his head and walked out to the front. We all snickered and James shushed us.

"Dude? Take off your headphones." Carlos said loudly. "Quick question."

I could hear Kendall, he sounded confused. "Where's your shirt?"

"Not important do we have any condoms?"

I covered my mouth to keep from laughing the sound Kendall made. It was kind of a choking sound mixed with disgust.

"Are you actually having a foursome? I didn't think she was _that_ loose."

James rolled his eyes. "Los! Get back here, Logan's waiting!"

Logan and I both dissolved into giggles. We both got a case of the laughs when we were high, he pulled me close to him and whispered in my ear.

"I wish we could see his face."

"That drawer." He told him. "I'm not actually surprised, better than Elle right?"

Carlos came back a moment later with a handful of condoms. He shut the door and tossed them at us.

"Apparently, we have sexual tension." He reported to Logan. "We should talk about that at some point."

"Later." He told him waving his hand.

Carlos spun the bottle and it landed on me. I groaned and covered my face.

"I know I'm the only girl, but I didn't think this through," I told him.

"Oh whatever, Logan's been having all the fun."

Carlos and I kissed and I ran my hands over his tanned abs. This was uploaded too, it felt nice to post something I wanted to share for once.

"I lost track of whose turn it was. Truth or dare, Elle?"

"Dare I guess?" But then I quickly added on, "Nothing involving Kendall."

"Boring." James rolled his eyes. "Shotgun with me."

I shook my head. "You just want to kiss me."

"Maybe." He grinned mischievously.

Shot-gunning was when you took a hit from a bong and kissed someone and blew the smoke into their mouth.

"Wait, wait." I handed Carlos my phone. "Snap it for me."

James took a large hit and pressed his mouth to mine, he blew the smoke and tilted his head. Out of kissing the three of them, James felt the most natural, he had always been flirty. I kissed him back and he chuckled.

"I think you have to take something off."

I stood up and pushed my sweats down. "This is totally unfair."

James shook his head and took off his shirt. "Better?"

I cocked my head. "A little. Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

I ran my hand over my face. I was drunk and a little stoned, my thoughts were fuzzy.

"If you had to fool around with one of the guys who would you pick?"

"I'd prefer you." I smacked his arm. James looked at both Carlos and Logan and shrugged. "Either of them, but Kendall's like a brother so that's weird. But if I _have_ to choose it would be Carlos. You're too awkward Loge."

"Fair enough." Logan agreed.

We all continued to play and take stupid pictures and videos. I posted a video of the bottle spinning and of the guys kissing. By this point in the night, we had all kissed each other and they had all been filmed. As the night went on I ended up just in a bra and put a pair shorts on. They guys were all down to their underwear and Carlos had socks on. The game ended up falling apart we just continued to drink and dance. James and I were dancing, Logan was trying to get a filter on snapchat to work and Carlos was smoking.

"Think they're gonna hook up?" I hiccupped.

"Maybe, I doubt it though." James kissed my neck. "You're great."

I shook my head finished off my water. "You're all hot I don't see why you all haven't made out."

"I'm pretty open but I like girls first." He told me. "What about you? You like any of my friends?"

"I like you all equally, 'cept Kendall fuck him." I was slurring a bit. "But you're all cool."

James kissed me again and then said he was going to get more water.

"Guys let's take a selfie." I stumbled over to the couch.

Carlos kissed one cheek and Logan kissed the other. I smiled and put it on my story and then pulled on someone's shirt. After that, I posted a picture saying "just kidding haha!" so no one took it too seriously. Eventually, Carlos helped me get comfortable so I could sleep. But not before giving me what he called a 'real' kiss because he felt left out. I laughed and shoved him.

"Go kiss Logan."

He shrugged. "Maybe I will."

Once things had quieted down I fell asleep, my head rested on Logan's shoulder. Tonight had been fun, it felt good to be intimate with guys again. For once I hadn't been completely vulnerable. This was progress and I was proud.

* * *

The first thing I noticed the next morning was how dry my mouth was. The second thing I noticed was the way I was tangled up in both Logan and Carlos. At first, I panicked slightly, I hadn't slept with them had I? But then flashes of our game came back to me. I moved out of their grip and walked out into the kitchen area. I opened a bottle of water and chugged it, letting it wake me up.

"So I see you fucked my friends."

I jumped and saw Kendall sitting at his computer, he looked at me with distaste. I looked down and realized I was just in James' shirt and underwear.

"For your information, no I didn't," I told him. "We just had fun."

"Exactly, are you jealous Kendall?" Logan asked walking out and putting his arm around me.

"That you made out with _her_? No, I'm not but I'm glad none of you slept with her."

"Why because you want to?" I shot back. "I am a giant slut after all."

Kendall shook his head. "No I don't and those are your words, not mine."

"You know just because I enjoy having fun and messing around doesn't mean I'm a slut." I raised my voice at him. "You can call me every name you want but it won't affect me. I had fun and enjoyed myself."

This didn't seem to have much impact because he held up his hand to cut me off. "You've said your piece and made your case now get out of my face."

"God, I hate you." I spat at him.

"Good at least I know you won't be all over me."

I couldn't say anything else because Kelly and Liz came onto the bus. Liz was white as a sheet as she pointed at me. I had only seen that look twice in all the years I had known her. First was when the Jett tape came out and then when I had woken up after overdosing because of said tape. Obviously, it was something serious.

"What's wrong?"

"Big-time make out party. Big time orgy. Big time foursome." Kelly read off her phone. "Those are just some of the articles that have been written about your party last night."

James and Carlos had joined us and they both looked worried.

"Kelly relax, it was all a joke, we even posted a picture saying we were just kidding," James told her. "We had a party so what? Aren't we supposed to be mature?"

"Yes, but in very calculated ways, what if this was a repeat of the Jett incident?" Liz asked me. "Then what?"

I crossed my arms. "But it wasn't _I_ posted videos and pictures. I didn't get hurt or anything."

They both sighed and Kelly spoke up. "Gustavo says next time you want to fool around don't post it anywhere. But luckily we can spin this."

When they left Carlos and Logan shared a laugh. They were watching my story, it was smoky and the only light was from the Christmas lights that were plugged in. There was a video of me making out with Logan, shotgunning with James and Carlos pulling me onto his lap as we kissed. There was also the video of Logan and Carlos kissing.

"I can't believe we actually did that last night."

"I enjoyed myself," James told them. "How about you Elle?"

Kendall was glaring at us all so I smirked and pressed myself into James' side. It had been great to reclaim my body after what happened to it. That was the farthest I had gone with anyone since that night and I wasn't ashamed.

"We'll have to do it again sometime."

* * *

Today was a studio day for all of us. But Gustavo wanted to crush any rumors that may have been spreading so he invited a local radio station to interview us. The five of us plus Kelly and Liz had set up in the studio bus where we were working. When I had gone to put makeup on I was shocked to see the number of hickeys on my neck. I had covered them the best I could and the makeup team did the rest. We were all hungover so we sat silently waiting for the interview to begin. Our management may have been worried about the reactions but the fans seemed to love it. Between last night and the performance, we had onstage the fans were freaking out.

 _"First there's how they acted during windows down AND they all fooled around? I don't know who to ship."_

 _"I always knew Carlos and Logan had something going on. #Carganisreal."_

 _"Did you see how they all kissed her? Shit, can she date all of them? #Ellos #Ellgan #Jelle."_

These were all amusing to see people had saved the pictures and videos. They were already deciding who I should date. Right now they seemed to go with Logan, based how wide his eyes were onstage last night. It was all in good fun though.

"So what everyone really wants to know is how last night went down." The interviewer asked. "The video of your performance of Windows Down is going viral."

James laughed. "It was all just for fun. Touring can be dull sometimes so you have to have a good time."

I agreed with him, giving the answer Liz coached me on. "We're all still single and all that happened was what everyone saw."

"Really? I mean these are some handsome guys."

"Yeah but we're just friends." I insisted.

We all turned a bit red and Logan shook his head.

"We were just fooling around." He chuckled nervously. "No pun intended."

She laughed at this. "What about you Kendall? You didn't want in on this?"

He wrinkled his nose. "Nope."

I teasingly ruffled his hair like they had told me to. "I'm sure Kendork regrets it."

"Getting herpes? Yeah, no thanks, who knows where your mouth has been."

My jaw dropped in shock and the interviewer waited to see if it was a joke.

"Dude seriously?" James asked him.

"Yeah, man don't be a dick."

Kelly and Liz nearly threw themselves across the room. Liz ordered the interview be paused and Kelly shook her head. I felt a bit sick at how openly spiteful he was, I had just been doing my job.

"You'll be editing that all out." Liz wasn't asking, she was telling. "And you won't mention anything you just saw or heard."

She nodded. "O-Okay."

"And Kendall you'll answer that question again, in a more professional manner that doesn't violate your contract," Kelly ordered him. "I mean it."

The interviewer composed herself. "You didn't want in on that Kendall?"

This time Kendall smiled. "No, I have a girlfriend."

"Y-Yeah I could never do that to Jo," I said sweetly even though I could have died right there. "But these guys aren't too bad."

The rest of the interview was awkward and Carlos kept glancing at me to make sure I was okay. I kept my lips in a tight smile as I answered questions about the tour. I talked about my new songs and hinted they were about an ex-boyfriend who everyone knew. Once it wrapped up and it was just the band in the room I let myself get angry.

"What the hell?" I demanded. "That was so uncalled for."

"You didn't have to touch me. And frankly, I meant what I said."

My hand went across his cheek. "You're such an asshole."

He rubbed his face. "Right back at you."

Thankfully, we were parked so I stormed out of the studio and onto the main bus. I let a few tears slip from my eyes but I quickly wiped them away. We had never gotten along but he had never embarrassed me like that. What if they interview had been live? I didn't have any STDs, in fact, Jett had been one of the few guys I had ever slept with. There was this big misconception about me and I hated that he could get away with being so rude. I let myself cry a bit longer but knew I needed to get to work. My cigarettes were on the table and I grabbed them. After that interview, I deserved one. But I didn't like to smoke before recording so I stashed them for later.

I went to open the door of the studio bus but paused when I heard arguing.

"You're such a dick to her man." It was Carlos who was shouting. "I get you don't like her but that wasn't cool."

Kendall spoke next. "She's a bitch."

"No, you're the bitch. She's been nothing but nice to you." Logan told him. "She was doing what Liz and Gustavo wanted her to do."

"Whatever." He grumbled.

There was a dry laugh. "Dude I know you think she's hot. Can you not handle that? Is there so much sexual tension that you're being an ass?"

"She's not hot." He defended himself.

"Oh come on Kendall. You have eyes." James sounded indignant. "Is that why you're such a dick to her?"

There was a pause and then he spoke.

"Fine she's really hot." He admitted and my face and ears turned red. "But she's so fucking extra about everything. And she's a bad influence, we don't get along and Jo can't stand her."

"Then just leave her alone. Stop calling her names, don't embarrass her and stop being so gross." Carlos told him. "Treat her with some respect for god's sake. And apologize to her."

He didn't answer right away. "Keep her away from me and I'll say sorry."

They stopped talking loud enough for me to hear. I didn't want to walk in and let them know I had been listening so I stood on the other side of the bus. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I wondered if Kendall was so rude he would text me an apology.

 **That video was hot and so was that song. I definitely remember a bathroom sink. ;)**

Of course, today of all days Jett would try to get in touch with me. I rolled my eyes and decided I needed to smoke, recording be damned. I took a drag and responded to him.

 **I don't have time for this now Jett. Actually not ever, leave me alone.**

He responded fairly quickly and I was surprised by his reply.

 **Fine. But, uh, I liked Colors, a lot actually. So did Jude and my mom. So thanks, I guess.**

This was unexpected and I didn't know how to respond. I didn't think he'd listen to it, but someone probably sent it to him. Even though he was an asshole and complete scum his brother and mom hadn't done anything wrong.

 **Glad you liked it then.**

He didn't respond which I was grateful for. I leaned my head against the bus and continued to puff on my cigarette. When I saw someone out of the corner of my eye I frowned. Kendall was standing there and he must have thought of his talk with the guys. A slight flush stained his cheeks, but he also could have been red with anger. For both our sakes I hoped it was the latter.

"What?" I demanded.

He didn't say anything but held up his cigarette. I rolled my eyes, now he was going to give me the silent treatment and not apologize. I flicked the butt of mine onto the asphalt. As I went to walk away he sighed.

"Elle."

I turned. "Yes?"

"Sorry." He muttered it wasn't genuine. "That was rude of me."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't worry I don't think you can catch herpes from standing where I did."

He shook his head but I didn't let him speak. I turned the corner and went to climb onto the bus. I had tried to be professional and ignore his insults. I had tried to own the title of slut and not let him get to me. Clearly, nothing worked so I was done trying. From here on out it would be silence when we weren't working. You could never argue with someone so stupid so I wouldn't. I had better things to do and letting Kendall get to me wouldn't be one of them.

I was done trying.

* * *

AN: So Elle and the guys all partied together. And Kendall was a real asshole to Elle and admitted she was hot to his friends. How do you think this will affect their dynamic? I hope you liked this chapter, the next one is my favorite one I've written so far. Please leave some feedback and tune in next week! Thank you!


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Happy Wednesday! There were no reviews last time but thanks for reading. Here is chapter 10, there is a fight and a big plot twist for Elle. I hope you and enjoy and leave some feedback. My new upload day will be Wednesdays and depending on the feedback I will update next Wednesday or the following one. There's a big twist at the end and I hope you enjoy it!

Thanks Rushers, please review!

* * *

Ellesloveismydrug: I ship Elle with all three of them. Anything is better than Jett. #sorrynotsorry

LiveLaughLogan: Calling it right now, by the end of the tour one of the boys will be dating Elle.

AmandaGarcia27: That awkward moment when you're the fifth wheel in your own band. #LonelyKendall

These were just a few of the posts fans had made in the past day and a half about the videos of the guys and I messing around. They had reposted our snapchat videos and pictures saying who they shipped together. But what I found hilarious was a picture from the show that night. It was me, surrounded by the guys we were all laughing and Kendall was a few feet away looking pissed. He didn't seem to enjoy the hashtag "LonelyKendall" not that I would know though. It had been almost two days and he hadn't said a single word to me other than his apology the morning after the party. He would occasionally mumble an 'excuse me' if he needed to get by me on the bus. This was a welcome change from the constant bickering, I'd still catch him rolling his eyes at me but I'd take what I could get.

"Dude, I know you have a girlfriend but you look so lonely," Carlos said, showing Kendall his phone. "I mean that's just sad."

"I'm fine with being lonely while I'm on tour." He pushed Carlos's hand away from his face. "I have a girlfriend."

We were all sitting on the bus on our way to Denver. We were close to the city and I was ready to perform, the tour was going well and the fans liked my new music. Since the night of our party, the guys and I had been a little more friendly. James had his hand on my thigh and my legs were draped across his lap. That night had been all in good fun though and I was glad things weren't weird.

"I know but I'm just saying you should have fun."

Kendall dismissed this with a scoff and his tone was sarcastic. "The other night seemed _so_ fun. I know I'm sad about missing the orgy maybe next time."

He had been looking at me when he said that and I rolled my eyes. I hadn't slept with any of them and he knew that he was just trying to get under my skin. In fact, I hadn't had sex with anyone since I ended things with Jett. The other night had been the farthest I had gone since then. We had all messed around because it was summer and we wanted to have fun. I didn't get what Kendall thought was so awful about this. It felt good to reclaim my body after what Jett had done. It was all harmless and even if I wasn't ready to be with someone again it felt like progress.

"Only in your dreams, Knight."

For the first time in two days, he didn't ignore me. "More like my nightmares."

"Whatever you say."

He stood up from the table and went to his bunk. But as he left I could see a faint blush, this made me uneasy. None of the guys knew that I had overheard their fight or that I had heard Kendall admit he thought I was hot. I was hoping it would never come up. Kendall certainly wasn't ugly anyone could see that. His eyes were a nice, bright, shade of green, I liked his hair and he was tall. But he was an asshole so his attractiveness was immediately ruined for me. The way he treated me was so ugly that nothing else would matter.

* * *

The second or third week of touring had always been my favorite. The jitters and nerves from the first week were gone but I wasn't burnt out yet it was a happy medium. The fans seemed to know the words to my songs because they sang Strange Love right along with me. The crowd was fairly interactive and there were a lot of signs being held up. As Kendall walked onto the stage, I took a moment to read a few. Most of them were for the guys but there was than occasional sign for me. A few even said who they shipped me with. Ellegan, which was Logan and me, seemed to be the most popular.

"Hey, Happy Birthday Macy!" I said as I read a sign asking for a birthday wish. "I hope this is the best one yet."

"Yeah Happy Birthday," Kendall said he waved to the crowd. "How's it going Denver?"

I pointed to the signs. "A lot of posters out there."

Kendall squinted and read a few, laughing at one that said Logan and Carlos was the hottest couple to ever exist.

"Does that one say 'Marry Me, Elle' ?" I asked as I looked out into the sea of people. "You should at least take me to dinner first."

Kendall snorted. "Or get her drunk, she's done way more without dinner. Just ask my friends."

My mouth fell open at his snide comment but I knew I couldn't call him out onstage. He knew I knew this because he had a grin on his face.

"Aw, you don't have any signs out there Kendall." I patted his back, pretending to console him. "Too bad, he's so lonely you guys."

The fans cheered as if to let him know he wasn't alone. Kendall rolled his eyes at me and casually leaned into the microphone.

"I'd rather be lonely then desperate for attention. But who knows maybe she'll put an actual _music_ video out instead of the ones she's been making."

My face went hot and I frowned at him. Quickly, I blinked away the stinging that was in my eyes and I cleared my throat.

"Actually, how about we make a video tonight? Who wants me to film onstage for them?" I offered, trying not to show how hurt I was. "Come on someone give me a phone."

I walked to the edge of the stage and took a fan's phone when the music started. As Kendall and I performed 'A Night Like This' I filmed different parts of the stage and the audience. I made sure to smile as I sang into the camera, I even went over to the side of the stage and filmed the guys.

"Anything can happen on a night like this, on a night like this." I sang as Kendall took the phone from me. I posed for the camera and gave a fake laugh when all I wanted to do was hide. "Whoa, oh, oh. On a night like this."

I returned the fan's phone and went to stand near Kendall.

"See you guys in a bit!" He told them. "I hope that video is exciting enough for you all. I know there was no making out."

When Kendall and I gave each other a hug like we were supposed to I dug my fingernails into his back and I felt him flinch. I flashed him a sweet smile as he walked off stage, rolling his eyes. My set went by slowly after that and while I enjoyed myself all I wanted was to tear Kendall a new one. Thankfully, my act ended and I marched offstage. There was always a delay between my set ending and BTR's starting while the crew finished the stage. He was sitting on a couch, seemingly relaxed. I walked up to him and pushed him.

"What the hell was that?" I shouted. "What happened to silence and not being an asshole to me?"

He rolled his eyes he stood up, he was nearly a foot taller than me and I felt small. "Why were you such a bitch?"

"It was a stupid joke because that's what the fans had been posting about," I argued. "It's not like I made a joke about Jo or really insulted you."

"I still didn't appreciate it. Just because I don't fuck anything with a pulse doesn't mean I'm lonely."

I shoved him again. "And _I_ didn't appreciate you implying that I was easy and that I fucked your friends in front of 20,000 people."

Kendall simply shrugged. "It's not like you aren't halfway there already. We've all seen the videos, I'm surprised there aren't more sex tapes of you."

"I can't stand you." I spat, giving him the finger. "Just leave me alone."

* * *

Normally, I watched the guys' set, but tonight I stayed locked in my dressing room. My body was still shaking with anger. Kendall had no right to embarrass me like that, I hadn't even really insulted him. We were supposed to be playful and friendly onstage and that's what I was doing. He was so immature and petty that it made me sick. There was a quick knock and Liz poked her head in.

"You're on in five. Are you okay?"

I shook my head. "No he's an asshole, you all saw that right?"

"Gustavo and I did and we're discussing the best way forward." She smiled sympathetically as I reattached my inner ear piece. "I think we should try making a list of jokes and interactions you're both okay with."

We were walking to the stage. "Let's just have a script, I'm sure he can handle that."

I took my microphone from a stagehand and Liz fixed my hair. "We'll talk about it, be nice out there."

"Only to Logan, James, and Carlos." I rolled my eyes. "Kendall doesn't deserve it."

She shook her head and I walked out onto the stage.

"You guys didn't think you could get rid of me that easily did you?" I asked, being greeted by cheers.

At least somebody liked me.

We sang our duets like we did every night. I avoided Kendall like he was the plague, death and poison rolled into one irritating package. The guys and I were friendly as we sang I Know You Know and Count on You. But I knew they could see I was going through the motions. My eyes were red from where I had teared up a bit. I didn't join them for Windows Down, but when they came off stage for a quick change and water break Carlos came up to me.

"Are you okay?" He asked tugging on his new jacket. "He was rude."

I crossed my arms and stuck out my bottom lip. "He's always rude."

We both looked over and Kendall rolled his eyes at me. When he came over he took one glimpse at me and snorted.

"Are you seriously pouting right now?" He laughed and pointed to where my eyes were red. "You're really crying? Grow up."

"Yeah, because you're an asshole."

He shook his head and pushed his blonde hair out of his face. "So are you. Get over it, people suck."

"Just you wait for it Kendall," I warned. "This isn't okay."

"Sure whatever you say."

Instead of responding I stuck my finger in the air and stormed off. He wasn't going to get away with treating me like this.

* * *

Waiting for the rest of the concert to be over was agonizing. And unfortunately for Kendall, it made my anger grow. I was fed up with his shitty double standards and judgments about me. He didn't know what happened to me, so he didn't get to be an ass about it. Furthermore, I hadn't done anything to deserve this treatment. When the show finally drew to a close I waited just long enough for them to not be attached to their microphones. When I heard their voices in the dressing room next to mine I opened the door with little regard for being polite.

They were all in various stages of changing but I didn't give a shit.

"Excuse me gentlemen, I need a moment alone with _Kendick_." I greeted, not breaking eye contact with Kendall.

Once we were alone and the door was shut he rolled his eyes.

"What the hell do you want from me?" He questioned. "Are you still pissed about earlier?"

I went to shove him and vaguely realized he was shirtless. He had more tattoos then I originally thought. "You bet your ass I'm still pissed. It was a stupid joke from a sign. But what did you do? You made me look like a slut in front of my fans for two things that don't affect you. What does it matter that I fooled around with your friends or that there's that tape from a while back?"

He didn't answer at first but glared down at me. "Because I'm tired of you constantly needing attention. It's pathetic and dragging down Big Time Rush's image."

"And what would your fans say if they knew that you were a sexist jerk to me all the time?" I shot back, pushing him. "Then what? They'd be disgusted with you and see that you're fake."

"I'm not fake, you are. You pretend to be this person who wants to fix her image but you're just a slut." He narrowed his eyes at me. "You hang all over my friends, make a scene wherever you go and make me look like the bad guy for calling you out on it. Frankly, I'm sick of it Elle."

My face grew hot as we shouted at each other. "And you know what I'm sick of Kendall?"

"This should be good." He scoffed, ever an adamant prick. "Enlighten me."

"I'm tired of your double standards! You know it's funny that you don't care that your friends fooled around with me, or make jokes about you being lonely. It doesn't bother you that they have sex. It's fine when they act nice on stage but when I do it? Well damn, apparently I'm a fake bitch. That double standard is disgusting." I shouted at him, jabbing my finger into his bare chest. "Just because you're some entitled white guy doesn't mean I have to live up to your standards."

Kendall simply crossed his arms and exhaled loudly. "They can make jokes because we're friends. You and I aren't friends."

"But we have to be onstage." I ran a hand through my hair. "Like it or not we're working together and have to look like we don't hate each other."

"Fine, you're not wrong." He admitted.

"So when I made that joke you shouldn't have been an asshole."

He laughed at this. "You're being dramatic."

"No, I'm not!" I tried to shove him but he stood tall. "How dare you say things like that about me? All the stuff you've said since the day we met has been degrading and embarrassing. And I've tried to ignore it but it makes me sick. What is it? Is it because I'm half black? Because I'm a girl or because I'm comfortable with sex and won't be slut-shamed? Why don't we get along?"

He paused and actually looked upset. "What? No, I'm not racist what the hell? We don't get along because I think you can be a real bitch. Everyone can see it."

"No, I'm not! I've been nothing but nice to you. You've been trouble since the day you walked into the room."

"I won't let you ruin this tour. We worked hard to get here and I won't let you ruin our fanbase."

"You're such a dick." I cried running a hand over my face. "I mean holy shit if you hate me so much just leave me alone. I can't stand you either but I don't go out of my way to be an ass."

"Shut up." He raised his voice, tugging at his hair. "Just stop talking!"

"Make me." I spat at him.

There was a pause and his breathing was heavy. He leaned over me and his green eyes burned with anger. My breath caught in the back of my throat when he grabbed me by the shoulders. His mouth crashed into mine roughly. I was caught off guard and his hands grabbed my waist and pulled me into him. Instinctually, I pushed up on my toes and kissed him back my nails clawed at his bare chest. His lips were soft and warm and he smelled like cigarette smoke, mint, and soap. It was oddly fitting and I sank into him. But then I shoved him away, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand. His eyes were wide and matched mine.

"What the _fuck_ Kendall?" I breathed, staring up at him. My teeth were gritted and I shoved him once more. "Try that again, and I'll knock your teeth out."

His mouth fell open as he frantically looked at me. He ran his hand over his face and shook his head.

"Shit, I'm sorry." His voice was soft. "God sorry, s-sorry for that."

All I could do was stumble out the door, shutting it behind me. My head was spinning and my lips still buzzed from the kiss. That didn't just happen.

* * *

AN: They kissed! Did you see that coming? This could change their whole dynamic! I hope you enjoyed and please review! My new upload day is going to be Wednesdays I hope that is okay with you. Depending on the feedback I receive I will update next Wednesday or the following one. Thanks! See you soon!


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Happy Wednesday Rushers! I'm absolutely delighted with the feedback for the last chapter. I've never had that many reviews for a chapter of this fic so thank you! This chapter follows Elle a few days after the end of the last update and the fallout from Kendall's actions. Elle gets some payback too. I hope you enjoy this update, the beginning this is a bit slow but it picks up at the end. Thanks for reading!

* * *

If things had been tense when Kendall hated me, someone would have to invent a new word for how it had been since we kissed. Awkward didn't even begin to cover it and unfortunately, people were beginning to notice. When he blocked my path on the bus, he nearly threw himself out of the way to avoid me.

"S-Sorry." He muttered, ducking his head and shoving his fists into his pockets. "Go ahead."

"Thanks." I avoided his eyes but could see his cheeks were just as red as mine were.

He quickly slid the door to the bunks shut and when I sat down the guys all looked confused.

"What was that?" Logan asked.

"What was what?" My voice was an octave higher and I shifted in my seat. "What are you talking about?"

James pointed to the door. "Kendall, he just acted like you'd burn him or something."

"And he apologized to you. Since when does that happen?"

I just raised my shoulder in a half shrug. "I don't know." My words came out rushed. "It was nothing, he just got out of the way, and that's all."

"Are you sure you're okay? You've been weird for the past few days." Carlos frowned and his eyes were full of worry. "You're quieter than usual. Is it Kendall?"

A handful of days had gone by since Kendall and I kissed backstage. I was still weirded out from that but just two days ago we were in Phoenix, my hometown. Between Kendall and memories from my childhood, I felt burnt out. One of the last times I had been in Phoenix was when I was bouncing from one shitty foster home to the next. I gave Carlos my best smile.

"I'm fine, just feeling run down." I looked over at the bunks. "And as for Kendall, I think we've reached the point of just ignoring each other."

James' slight chuckle broke the tension. "Obviously, last night you were awkward with each other on stage."

I cringed, I had hoped the coldness we had during our duet in Oklahoma City hadn't been too noticeable. When we sang the line about kissing Kendall was practically the color of a tomato. And when I had sung about being tangled up my face was warmer than the sun. But even though we were uncomfortable on stage, Night Like This was still #1 on the charts and had surpassed Big Time Rush's song. It seemed like whenever I turned on the radio it was on. This did nothing to ease things between us.

"Well, you have to be on guard when he's a dick." I forced out a laugh. "You never know when he'll lash out at you."

The conversation faded after that and I was grateful. I tried not to dwell on it too much because the next two days were something I had been looking forward too. Because Texas was such a large state we were in Dallas for two nights so we were staying in a hotel. This was a luxury on tour, being able to sleep in a full-size bed and having your own bathroom was always good. Another perk of being in a city for two shows was that one of the days was always way more relaxed. This meant that there were no interviews or radio performances to do. So despite all the nervous energy between Kendall and I, my spirits were high. I decided to get some work done on a new song for the album, I had been so focused that I didn't hear a knock.

"Elle?"

I pulled out an earbud and saw Logan standing in the door of the back lounge. "What's up?"

"We're at a rest stop if you want to get out."

It had been a while since my last smoke so I was itching to get out there. "Bless you. How far are we from Dallas?"

"About an hour but James was getting pissy about the lack of Starbucks on the bus." He watched as I rooted through my purse for my cigarettes and lighter. "He and Carlos are inside."

I smiled gratefully at him. "Thanks for remembering to come get me. God knows Kendick wouldn't."

He returned my smile and his hand went to my hip. "I could never forget about you."

There was a shift in the mood as he pulled me towards him, it was unexpected. He pulled me into a hug, holding my body close to his. I tried to protest but he shushed me. It wasn't until I heard a scoff did things make sense. I peeked out of the corner of my eye and Kendall was pouting. I hugged him back and tucked my fingers into his hair.

"Is he gone?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah, we're good. I figured it would help." He then smirked a bit. "You do look particularly nice today though."

I shook my head but my tone was light. "You're too sweet."

"All in a day's work."

I walked off the bus and went around to the side, ready to smoke. If I was being honest I was glad Logan hugged me, Kendall's scent seemed to linger on my skin, it was beginning to irk me. I could still feel his lips on mine when I shut my eyes. I rested my head against the bus and let the nicotine unwind the knots in my stomach. Other than the Kendall drama, the tour was going well and it felt right to be back on the stage and in the studio. The songs were coming out of me faster than I could write them. After Jett's attack and what happened a few weeks after that, I hadn't wanted to write much of anything. So it felt good to be working again. I was still in a cheerful mood as I took a long drag but this changed when I saw Kendall round the corner. There was a cigarette dangling from his mouth and when he saw me he groaned. It wasn't his appearance that bothered me but it was the thrill that went through when I first saw him.

"Of fucking course." He muttered, running a hand through his blonde hair. "Never mind."

"Hello to you too." I greeted dryly as I let out a puff of smoke.

He avoided my eyes and his voice was quiet. "I didn't know you were out o-out here."

"Now you do." When I looked up he was a bit red. "You can smoke, I should go find Logan."

I flicked the butt of my cigarette and brushed past him. At the mention of Logan, he rolled his eyes but I walked off. He could feel as uncomfortable as I had for the past few weeks of tour, it was only fair. I made myself comfortable in my bunk when I returned to the bus. Avoiding each other seemed like the most viable option, but unfortunately, we were in Dallas too quickly. Liz had rushed me into a costume and on stage for soundcheck the moment we arrived, we were running behind.

"Elle that was great, now if we could just rehearse a dance number to make sure the mic is picking it up," Gustavo ordered from the front row. "Dogs! I know you can hear me backstage so get ready."

I turned to the side of the stage where the guys were all hanging out. I wiggled my eyebrows at them and smirked.

"Yeah dogs, you better get ready."

I ended up running through an older song called Circus it was from my first album. And while it held a special place in my heart, it was more inappropriate than the other songs on that album. When the music kicked in I started dancing.

"There are only two types of people in the world. Those who entertain and those who observe." I ran my hand over my body and then pointed to the guys with a wink. "Well, baby I'm a put on a show kind of girl. I have to be first."

The song had a slow build and I rocked my hips to the music during the pre-chorus when they beat dropped I did the dance routine. It included a lot of grinding and rolling around on the stage. When I looked over to the side of the stage the guys were all bobbing their head along to the song and Kendall's seemed more interested than usual. I could feel them following my every move. If he could make things awkward so could I, I danced over to where they were and gyrated my hips against Carlos and then stood in front of Kendall.

"There's two types of guys out there, the ones that can hang with me and the ones that are scared." I flashed a grin at the guys and then looked at Kendall and patted his cheek. "So I hoped that you came prepared."

The blush on his face was worth it so I shimmied back to the stage and glanced over my shoulder. He was staring at me and his fist was clenched. I just tossed my hair and went back to my rehearsal. Once Gustavo was satisfied I went backstage, ready to rest up before the show tonight. I was walking into my dressing room when I overheard the band laughing.

"Dude your face was priceless." Carlos taunted from behind the door. "You totally think she's hot."

"I'm surprised you didn't have an aneurysm." James sounded smug. "She's talented, isn't she? You have to admit it even if you guys have been weird. She knows how to put on a show."

There was a scoff. "She's not ugly and she has talent for a B list pop star. And we haven't been weird, it's called ignoring her." Kendall muttered and I could almost picture him crossing his arms. "She's just trying to get under my skin, I'm trying to be the better person. Which isn't that hard considering who she is. Besides you missed her and Logan on the bus this morning."

"Dude, what happened?"

"It was just a hug," Logan explained himself. "But seriously be nice to her."

"As long as she stays away from me." He sounded petulant. "She might not be that bad."

The door opened and I ducked into my dressing room. Kendall walked out first, he was still red in the face and he rolled his eyes as the guys continued to taunt him.

"Good." I thought. "It's his turn to be the one who was insulted and walking on eggshells."

When showtime finally rolled around I was excited to perform. The venue was larger than the ones we had been in so far and the crowd proved to be even better. They sang every word at the top of their lungs and their signs were funny. But when Kendall came onstage I didn't mention any of them, I didn't want a repeat of the other night. Especially not when it had ended in a kiss.

"Hello, Dallas!" He smiled as he walked onto stage. "You sound great I hope you'll be this awesome for BTR."

I had to admit Kendall was good at playing to the crowd. We did our scripted side hug it was stiff and awkward but I did my best to not grit my teeth.

"Who knows Kendall, anything can happen on a night like this." I teased, it was one of our scripted jokes we had both agreed on. "Isn't that right Dallas?

He 'laughed' at my joke. "I guess you're right Elle. That sounds familiar, a night like this. Where have I heard that before?"

"I don't know but it could be a great name for a song."

He scratched his chin pretending to think about it. "You're right. Would you guys listen to a song called Night Like This?"

The audience screamed and waved their light up wands that were a part of the merch. I gave a fake laugh and shoved Kendall which was part of the routine.

"I actually think we wrote a song with that title." My smile was forced as we pretended to be comfortable with each other.

He gave me a half smile. "Of course, that's it."

We performed the song without any major drama. Everything was laid out and rehearsed, like a scene from a play. I knew just when to smile at him and he knew when to interact with me, But for the most part, we kept our distance giving fake smile and looks. When the song was over he always threw out a fake compliment and I'd pretend to be humbled by it. By the time we had another fake hug, I was thoroughly annoyed each night. It really seemed easier to just not perform it but it was too big of a hit to skip.

"Thanks, guys! We'll see you in just a few minutes!" He promised before dashing off stage.

Once my set was finished and I changed into a less sweaty outfit and fixed my hair, I waited. Backstage was always surprisingly quiet for being so close to the crowd, I waited for my turn to perform with the guys. We hadn't really danced or flirted since the night of our little party on the bus. And to be honest I just hadn't felt like it lately. They were still so incredibly sweet and welcoming but Kendall's drama had left me feeling rundown. So when I returned to my hotel room later that night I was grateful to be alone. All I wanted to do was order some takeout, watch reruns of Friends and go to bed early. This was all ruined when there was a knock at my door, I knew I wasn't lucky enough for it to be my Chinese food. I had only ordered it two minutes ago it was probably one of the guys wanting to go to a club or get dinner. So you could only imagine my surprise when I was greeted with the of sight blonde hair and a sugar skull tattoo.

"Kendork, Logan's room is the one across from me." I deadpanned. "James and Carlos's rooms are down the hall."

He shook his head and when I went to shut the door he stuck his arm in.

"Actually. Can I talk to you?" He asked quietly. "Please?"

He seemed quieter than usual so I was suspicious. But I stepped aside so he could come into the room. I wasn't going to let him be in control just in case he got angry so I motioned for him to sit down. I stood in front of the bed with my arms crossed.

"Yes?"

He avoided my eye and scratched his jaw, he was uneasy. When he finally looked up at me his lips were pressed into a thin line, I could practically see the awkwardness radiating off of him.

"Spit it out. You're being weird."

"Yeah, well." He sighed and shook his head. "I just w-wanted to apologize."

This was unexpected and I cocked an eyebrow. "Really? For what?"

"You know what for." He pointed at me. "Do I have to say it?"

I didn't answer and he blinked a few times, struggling to speak. I could see the blush creep across his face again.

"For being an asshole and, and for k-kissing you." He said shyly, looking back at his lap. "I'm sorry."

"Well, you _are_ an asshole." I scoffed not missing a beat, "But why did you kiss me?"

Kendall just shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh no," I laughed in disbelief. "You came in here acting all weird and brought it up. You don't get to avoid it now."

The irritated look I knew so well flashed across his face for a brief second. His voice was low when he spoke. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" I questioned, my hand on my hip. "So it just happened for no reason?"

"I don't know it just felt-" He scowled and looked at the ceiling. "Right? I don't know."

I blinked hard at this confession, it had been the last thing I expected. All I could do was stare at him, looking for any hint of a joke on his face but his expression was pinched like it had pained him to admit this.

"You _hate_ me." I reminded him, and for once I wish this was a true statement. "You've made that pretty clear from day one."

For once he snorted and he gave a small smirk. "I don't hate you."

In the back of my mind, I wanted to look for cameras, this had to be a prank.

"Sure you don't." I narrowed my eyes at him. "You just kiss me for no reason."

He ran his hand over his face. "I don't, it's just that you make me angry. You're so different than I am but you're funny and talented and you confuse me."

"Oh."

"And I know you're with Logan but-"

It was my turn to snort. "I'm not with Logan."

"I saw you on the bus this morning."

"It was just a joke." I found myself needing to explain everything but I held back. "Not that it's any of your concern."

He just nodded. "Well about our kiss, I'm sorry it was inappropriate." He reached out and touched my arm. "I'm sorry."

When his hand touched my arm I could feel how he was trembling. For some reason this was amusing so I let my lips curl into a smile.

"Do I make you nervous?"

His chuckle came out shaky and it was honest. "A little. You're so damn sure of yourself and confident."

I gave a smug nod, I was glad I made him nervous it served him right. I took a step closer to him, filling in the gap between us. His confession had piqued my interest and I wanted to see what else he was keeping from me. So when I straddled his legs and leaned down, letting my hair fall into his face I was caught off guard when he let out a sigh. He gripped the bed sheets in his fists.

"I just know what I want," I said quietly as I lowered myself onto his lap. "I don't take shit from anyone."

His hands came up to grab my waist, we were at eye level now and I could feel his breath against my cheek. He was visibly nervous and his eyes took in each part of my face. He went to speak but I pressed a finger to his lips.

"You made me feel like I was a whore like I was _nothing_." I hissed, it felt good to confront him. "I'm tired of men making me feel like that."

Shame washed over his face. "I'm sorry, really I am."

My lips brushed across his cheek and I put them to his ear. "Just because I like to _fuck,_ Kendall, doesn't make me a whore."

He groaned when I said fuck and his fingers dug into my sides. I took one of my hands and rested it on his face. His cheek was warm under my hand and stubbly.

"As long as it's consensual and safe it shouldn't matter who I fuck." As I said this to him I thought about how I hadn't had sex with anyone since Jett. He probably thought I slept with his friends but that didn't matter. I kissed his cheek and batted my eyes. "Right?"

His voice was strained. "R-right, it shouldn't matter."

His green eyes were full of lust and I smirked. He had been such a jerk to me when all this time he wanted to kiss me, he was so obvious in hindsight. I ground my hips into his. I could feel his dick pressing through his jeans as he brushed his lips against mine. It wasn't angry this time, it was desperate, wanting. And honestly? It wasn't bad, heat prickled up the back of my neck when he let his hand slide up to my chest. I pulled away and let my hand find his crotch, he drew in a sharp breath.

"Do you want this?" I whispered, palming him a bit. "You want this Kendall?"

He nodded eagerly, running his thumb over my bottom lip. "Yes."

My hips rocked back and forth and he let himself fall back onto his elbows. He was in a tank and I could see his full collection of tattoos, I let my fingers wander over the ink on his skin. He pressed up against me and his eyes moved quickly as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing. And to be honest, I couldn't believe it either.

"You called me a whore," I said quietly. "You made me feel like I was trash."

"I'm sorry Elle." His voice was low and his expression was earnest. "You're not a whore. So sorry, let me make it up to you."

A wide smile pulled at my face as I gave a breathy sigh. "Do you want this? Do you want to fuck me?"

"I want that, yeah." He gripped my hair and shifted his hips so his dick pressed against my thigh. His voice was rough. "I-I want that, yeah."

My arms wrapped around him and I kissed him deeply. It was warm and familiar and for a moment I sank into it, relishing the way he held me against him. His hands were hot on my skin as they found their way under my shirt. He was impatient and tugged at my clothes when I broke the kiss he pouted a bit.

"I'm not a whore Kendall," I said seriously. "I just know who I am and want I want."

He nodded, trying to undress me. "Who are you, what do you want?"

I gave him a flirty smile and I leaned in, my lips just brushing against his. I could hear a groan get stuck in his throat. His green eyes burned bright and he smiled nervously.

"I'm a tease." I purred. "And I want you to stop treating me like shit and to get the _fuck_ out of my room."

He seemed confused as my smile fell and turned into a scowl. I climbed off his lap and pointed to the door.

"Elle wait." He blinked a few times. "What do you-"

"You heard me." My eyes narrowed at him. "Get out."

He scrambled to his feet, still obviously turned on. As he walked to the door a mortified expression washed over his face, the blush covered his cheeks and he cleared his throat. I leaned against the door jamb and waved slightly.

"Bye Kendall," I sang. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

Slamming the door behind him, I smirked to myself. Kendall wasn't the only one who could play with someone's emotions. And while I may have gotten him to admit that I wasn't a whore, his simple, half-assed, lust filled apology wasn't going to cut it. If he thought that would fix everything he had another thing coming.

* * *

AN: Someone clearly isn't going to let Kendall get away with his double standards. And clearly, someone likes Elle more than he originally let on. I hope you enjoyed this update, thank you for reading. I will be back next Wednesday with a new chapter. Until then let me know what you thought. Thank you!


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Happy Wednesday Rushers. Wow, I'm touched by all the reviews I received for the last chapter. I'm still blushing a week later! Thank you so much. This update is a bit short and we see Kendall and Elle take their game to the next level. I hope you enjoy and stay tuned for next week. Thank you!

* * *

If I thought Kendall ignoring me was awkward, him paying attention was even worse. My revenge on him last night had backfired because every time I glanced towards him I saw him looking at me. Even now as we sat in an interview backstage he was staring me down as he sat three seats away. When he caught my eye and gave me a small smirk. I just rolled my eyes and scowled under my breath. It was our second day in Dallas so we were being shuffled from one interview to the next. Currently, we were all seated in the green room and the interviewer wanted to play a game.

"Hi everyone, this is Chelsea Davis from Pop Buzz and I'm backstage with Big Time Rush and Elle Harper at the Count Me In tour." She grinned into the camera before turning to us. "How are you guys today?"

"I'm excited to be here." I greeted.

"Hello, hello." Carlos waved.

"So this tour is already the show of the summer, I saw you guys last night and it was incredible. I've seen you both on tour in the past and this is just a whole other level. Does it feel different for you guys?"

Logan answered this question and pointed to me. "Well between the five of us we all really have this creative energy and I think it works well. I know the guys and I all wanted to step things up this time around and I think Elle's been really helpful with that."

"He's being too nice. It does feel different I think as an artist you constantly evolve and change. I think we bring out the best in each other.

She then asked us what our favorite songs to perform live were. The guys gave various answers, Carlos liked a new song they had debuted in Arizona called Live It Up, James was a fan of 24/7 and Kendall's was Just Getting Started the lead single of the tour.

"Personally I'm still partial to Windows Down." Logan shot me a smug smile. "It's always fun."

Chelsea laughed and said it looked like we had enjoyed ourselves a few weeks ago.

"What about you Elle, Kendall?"

I shrugged. "Colors, it's a personal song and getting able to share it is nice."

"Well, I Like Night Like This," Kendall answered from the end of the row of chairs and leaned forward to look at me. "Getting to sing with Elle every night is the best."

The grip on my microphone tightened and I glanced to see if he was joking, but he was smiling genuinely for once.

"That might have been my favorite part of the whole show last night. And you guys wrote the song yourselves?"

"Elle did mostly. But it's a good song it gets the crowd going."

I laughed a little, my voice was strained. "Yeah well, he certainly helped."

After a few more basic questions about being on the road and our new albums, we were going to play a game.

"This game is called the Hot Seat and basically I'm going to ask you each a question about your tour mates and you have to answer with the first thing that pops in your head. Are you ready? Elle, you can go first."

"Okay."

"Who takes longest to get ready?"

"Either me or James."

She laughed. "Who's the first person awake on the bus?"

"Logan."

"Who's the last person to go to bed?"

"Carlos or Kendall." I muttered trying not to think of the night the bus made a sharp turn and Kendall pinned me to the wall.

"Who surprises you the most?"

Without even thinking the words fell out of my mouth. "Kendall."

My cheeks were red and I avoided his eyes while Chelsea interviewed Logan. I faked a smile in all the right places and when it came time for Kendall's interview he shifted.

"Who's the funniest on tour?"

He smirked. "Elle."

"If you had to spend time on a desert island, which tourmate would you want with you?"

He shoved Logan but winked at me. "Logan or Elle."

"Who takes the longest to get ready for a show?"

"For a show?" He scratched his chin. "Elle I guess but she always looks great so it's time well spent."

My face warmed at this and I cleared my throat. Carlos and Logan shot him a confused expression and James raised his eyebrows at me. As the interview came to a close we were both avoiding each other's eyes. Kelly updated us on our schedule and we were free for a bit until soundcheck. I caught Kendall's arm as he walked past me.

"What was that?"

"What was what?" He asked, looking confused.

I smacked his shoulder. "Don't play dumb, what was with you answering all your questions about me?"

"It's called being honest which is more than I can say about you."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I crossed my arms.

He just scoffed. "It means you've avoided me all day and won't look at me. You're still thinking about last night aren't you?"

"Absolutely not, I got an apology from you so that's all that matters."

He leaned down so he could whisper in my ear. "You mean you aren't thinking about what it was like to kiss me? How it felt to be sitting on my lap?"

"Nope, not a bit," I said quickly.

"Well, _I_ am. And let me tell you, I can't get it off my mind."

I wrinkled my nose. "Ugh, well I'm disgusted to know you'll be thinking about me in the shower. If I'm lucky maybe you'll slip and hit your head. It will make my revenge much sweeter."

Kendall laughed and his eyes wandered over my chest. "Revenge that's what this is about? Because it definitely didn't seem like that when you were kissing me."

I elbowed him in the stomach. "I just saw how easy you were and I used it to get my apology. Besides it wasn't my dick that was hard."

He followed me into my dressing room and leaned against the door. "But it was you who made it that way, and you didn't seem to mind."

"It was an end to a means." My eyes met his in the reflection of the mirror. They were bright green and he looked smug. "This game of us going back and forth and you insulting me was getting old so I ended it."

He ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. "I didn't realize we were playing a game."

"We _were_ playing a game it's over though I won." I turned to him. "End of story. Now leave me alone."

He crossed the room and put his hands on my shoulders and whispered in my ear.

"If I had realized you wanted to play a game, I would have tried harder to win." He kissed my cheek. "Let's call this round two."

* * *

After he had left my dressing room I didn't see Kendall at all. I knew he was somewhere in the building but he had practically vanished. The guys hadn't seen him either. Even now as I stood on the stage about to introduce him I wondered where he was.

"Kendall get out here!" I called out, faking cheer.

He strutted out onto the stage, grinning as he did so.

"Dallas how's it going?" He waved and then winked at me. "Ready for round two Elle?"

"Am I ever." I shot back.

The music kicked in and we started singing. At first, I could ignore him, I was good at that. It was a normal performance but when we got to the first chorus he was obviously messing with me. His face was plastered with a self-righteous grin and he wasn't shy about putting his hand on my arm.

"Wouldn't mind if we caught every red light." He sang stepping closer to me, his eyes wandered over my chest and he touched my waist. "You're someone I could get close to."

I sang my line but turned away quickly. He seemed to follow me everywhere. I made my way to the end of the catwalk and I bent over to reach out to some fans. When I glanced over my shoulder he was staring at my ass. I scowled a bit as we danced around each other.

"We could just stay up all night." He sang slowly, winking at me.

We returned to the chorus and then there was an interlude. He waved me over and leaned in my ear, his hips moving to the beat.

"You look sexy in that little outfit." He whispered. "It's hard to keep my hands off of you."

"You wish you could touch me," I smirked and patted his cheek. "Too bad you never will."

He laughed at this and his breath was warm in my ear. "I can be a tease too Elle."

Kendall brushed his hand against mine when we reached the bridge. His fingers were intertwined with mine for a moment and he stared down at me, he looked pleased with himself.

"Our hands fit just the right way, our legs tangled up in a small space," He ran a hand up my leg and I inhaled sharply. My mind flashed back to the first time we sang this line when we were writing it. He had been embarrassed then but now he seemed proud, determined. "The world just feels so far away as I get to know you."

"I could feel my heartbeat oh whoa oh." My heart was actually pounding, I was worried about what he would do next. This was a game after all, and he was just as competitive as I was. "I can feel the anticipation in my veins."

When he reached up and ran his thumb over my bottom lip I was surprised at how scratchy his voice was. His eyes had darkened a bit. "I can almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips."

At the last second, I turned my head and finished the song. "Anything can happen on a night like this."

When the music faded we bowed and he gave me a side hug like we had done every night. I shuddered when his fingertips trailed down my bare spine and his hand grabbed my ass. He gave a squeeze and leaned into my ear.

"Guess I don't have to wish to get my hands on you." He chuckled a little, it was arrogant. "I win."

"Only this round." I hissed through gritted teeth and then put my microphone back to my face. "Give it up for Kendall!"

Kendall waved to the audience, his other hand still holding my ass. "Thanks, guys, see you soon."

The remainder of my set went well even though Kendall watched me the entire time. I moved slowly, more seductively just because I knew he was there. When I came off stage he was biting his bottom lip and tugged at his jeans.

"No fair." He complained. "You knew I couldn't do anything."

I pushed up on my toes. "I never said it was a fair game."

His hand reached out to push my hair behind my ear and he dragged his thumb across my lip again. There was a tense moment where I thought he was going to reach down and kiss me. But it passed when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Dude, what the fuck was that onstage earlier?" Carlos questioned.

"Since when do you two flirt onstage when it isn't scripted? Is ass grabbing in the script now?"

Kendall tore his eyes from mine and shrugged. "Elle and I have a game going on."

"What the sexual tension game?" Logan guffawed.

A smirk crawled across my face. "Something like that."

This didn't deter Kendall because he laughed. "Well I do things my way and I think I won this round."

My hand rested on his cheek and I turned his head so his lips were inches from mine. I whispered in his ear, letting my body press against his.

"I may have lost the battle but I'll win the war."

* * *

AN: So you see that Kendall isn't afraid to get in on the game too. The next chapter focuses on the music video shoot for 'Night Like This'. Stay tuned Rushers, things are about to pick up. I hope you enjoyed and review. I'm grateful for all of you. Thanks, see you next week!


	13. Chapter 13

Happy Wednesday Rushers. Welcome back and thank you for the feedback on chapter 12. This one follows Kendall and Elle filming their music video. I enjoyed this one quite a bit, I hope you do too. There's an important note at the end. Enjoy and please review.

* * *

As we worked our way north, the tension between Kendall and I continued to grow. Our game was in full swing and by my count, I was winning. But Kendall still had his moments when he'd catch me off guard.

In St. Louis he had leaned into my ear after we performed. It was an outdoor venue and we were both warm and sweaty.

"I can see everything in that little outfit." He whispered into my ear, running his fingertips down my spine. "How great would it feel if I took it off of you? You must be so hot."

When he blew into my ear, cooling my hot skin I shuddered but just grit my teeth. "You wish."

Kendall won that round because I had been too flustered to say anything. But I got my revenge just a day later in Iowa, there was an advantage to striking when we weren't onstage. I could be bolder in my payback because there wasn't an audience to notice what we were doing. I was in the shower letting the water pour over my skin, waiting until I heard footsteps. Kendall was always the last one to go to bed so I knew it would be him. I opened the bathroom door and ran straight into him.

"Oh! Sorry, Kendall." I apologized, tightening the towel wrapped around my body.

My body was still wet from the shower and I did my best to let my chest show. Kendall noticed immediately and he smirked and leaned against the wall.

"I don't mind." He clearly thought he would win this round because he looked smug. "Too bad I couldn't join you."

I just faked an innocent expression as a bead of water rolled down my neck. "I'm just _so_ wet."

He sputtered a bit and blinked hard. "Are you?"

The space between the bathroom door and the wall across from it was narrow. I pressed myself against Kendall, pretending that I was trying to pass him. My hand brushed over the front of his pants and I smirked to myself, he was definitely enjoying what he saw. His eyes wandered down to my breasts and he cleared his throat.

"Kendall?" I breathed into his ear.

"Hmm?"

"I win this round."

He got back at me for that in Kansas City. We were sitting in the front section of the bus, the guys were all in their bunks when Kendall sighed dramatically. I didn't react at first, pretending to be more interested in the show I was watching than him. But out of the corner of my eye, I could see him looking at me. He sighed again.

"What?" I snapped.

"Just thinking about how long it's been since I fooled around." He shrugged, carefully watching my reaction. "How great it would be to just get to wasted then roll around the sheets, make someone scream my name."

I rolled my eyes but shifted a bit, I hadn't had sex since Jett. Making out with the guys had been great but not quite enough, I cleared my throat and tried to keep my tone even.

"I'm sure Jo must appreciate that." As much of an asshole as Kendall was, he didn't seem like the type to cheat.

"Jo is an ocean away in Europe, she gets that tour is lonely." He didn't skip a beat, a sly grin slid up his face. "Besides, it would be fun."

"I don't know, are you even that good?"

Kendall smirked before moving to sit next to me. He laughed into my ear, his breath was warm and he smelled like the shitty cigarettes he smoked.

"Better than my friends for sure. And I can tell you're thinking about it now."

"I am not." I huffed.

His hand trailed up my arm. "Oh yeah? Because I saw how big your eyes got when I mentioned it. You're really not thinking about how great it would be if I took you back to my bunk right now? How much fun we would have? How great it would feel if I kissed your neck and your lips and took off this shirt. I'm pretty great."

I bit my lip, stared at him. My stomach twisted nervously and I rolled my eyes. "Don't be so cocky, er, smug."

He laughed at this. "I _am_ smug, but I assure you, I'm cocky too."

I pushed myself up from the couch, scowling as I walked to my bunk. "Goodnight."

"Night, oh and Elle?"

I turned and he had stretched out on the couch, smirking. "I win."

That was three nights ago and today we were in Chicago for the second day. It was an especially important day because I was filming a video for 'Night Like This' and I loved the concept. It took place on a rainy night in the city and Kendall and I would be sharing a cab and it would show us getting close and shots of us singing outside. We had filmed the performances with the band yesterday before our concert, tonight was the cab scene and the flirting. We didn't have a show tonight so we could film in the dark. We were in a studio lot and a rain machine had been set up. Everything _should_ have been exciting but Kendall and I had been at each other's throats all day.

"You're pitchy." Kendall had sneered. "Do you need someone to teach you warm ups?"

I laughed. "I'm not pitchy, you're flat. The note is higher than that."

We had a radio performance earlier in the day and had been warming up. Both of our throats were sore from the weather and traveling. His voice was raspy and deeper than normal.

He rolled his eyes. "Shut up."

"Make me." I had challenged.

When stepped up to me, his eyes lingered on my lips. "Maybe I will."

Part of me wondered if it was sexual tension but I couldn't be sure. Because right now he was just downright annoying.

"Do you _have_ to do that?" I implored, folding my arms.

He looked up from where he was hitting a hockey puck against the wall. "Do you have to be annoying?"

"I'm not annoying, you're annoying."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Jesus, whatever, fine."

He stormed off out of the hair and makeup room we had been in. The guys didn't have to film anything for the video but were hanging out anyways. I was grateful for the distraction. Anything to get my mind off of having to make out with Kendall in just a bit would be welcomed. I wasn't opposed to it for the video but on a personal level, I didn't want to. I was trying not to let it get me down though, this was a personal victory for me. Since the beginning of my career, all my videos' plots had been picked out by the studio. But for this one, it was mostly my idea and the direction I wanted to take it in. I had been wary when Liz suggested the kissing scenes. But I knew that it made sense for it to happen, so I would be mature and get through it.

But not that mature because I would win this next round.

"Hey Elle, looking good." I turned and smiled when Liz walked into the room. "The makeup artist did a good job."

I thanked her and glanced in the mirror. My eye makeup was dark and smudgy and my hair was curled but looked like I had been in the rain. Kendall looked similar minus the eye makeup.

"So are you excited to film?"

"For sure, just nervous about the whole making out with Kendall thing." I tried to play it off. "He's a dick."

Liz sipped her drink and avoided my eye. "I don't know you should see how he looks at you sometimes."

I took the cup from her hand and stole a sip, desperate for a distraction. "God, do you want some coffee with your sugar?"

"I'll have you know a sugar high plus a caffeine buzz is how I get through the day. But don't avoid the subject, he stares at you all the time."

I rolled my eyes. "One, he has a girlfriend. Two, he's an asshole. Three, ew now I'll be able to feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head."

"Well, it's not your head he's looking at." She scoffed, smirking a bit. "And you know the making out will look good for the video. And at least he's not Jett."

My teeth tugged at my bottom lip as I swallowed hard. It wasn't often Liz and I talked about guys or Jett, it was kind of an unspoken rule. Since his attack, she had been more defensive of me and carefully kept an eye on any guys I hung out with. Not that I had been that social, being a pariah tended to make people uninterested. She had deemed Carlos, James, and Logan safe to chill with, which was why I was on tour.

"I'm sorry, are you okay?"

"Fine." I forced a smile on my face. "Just dreading Kendall's mouth on mine. Do me a favor and make sure he has a mint."

She clapped me on the back. "Sure, see you on set."

Once she was gone I stood up and fluffed my hair a bit. Jett didn't matter, that was the past and I couldn't be bothered anymore. I had to get my head in the game if I wanted to win this round. My outfit was a trenchcoat that came down to the tops of my knees and a black dress underneath. It was sexy but not too revealing which was a great change. And as much as I hated to admit Kendall looked good in the jacket and green shirt he was wearing. It brought out his eyes. I fixed my hair once more and checked my phone, trying to prolong me having to go on set. But eventually, I knew I had to get out there so I popped in a mint and walked out. Just as I got to the door though, I paused.

"Dude you get to kiss her, are you nervous?" It was Logan, he sounded amused.

There was a dry laugh. "Nah, but I figure I'll be better than you guys were."

"There's been so much tension between you guys at least you get to break it. We all see how you look at each other, is this still the bet you told us about?" James' voice was low. "Because we still think it's fucking shitty and gross."

I pressed my ear to the door, Kendall was quiet for a moment before speaking. "No like I said, we have our own game going. Elle's cool."

"Good because you were being an ass," Carlos said. "Good luck."

"I won't need it." I could hear the smirk in his voice.

I lingered by the door for a moment or two before walking out. I stepped out the next set of doors into the cool night air, a few yards away the set was finished. A building had been made to look like the front steps of an apartment building and another one looked like a club. A rain machine drenched the area.

"Elle, Olivia wants to go over some stuff for tonight." Liz began.

"Of course," I shook her hand, she had directed some of my earlier videos and what we had shot yesterday.

"I love the concept for this. It's sexy but not too sexy."

I laughed. "That was the idea. What are you doing first?"

"I was thinking we should get the cab scenes done first that way if we need to reshoot your hair won't be as wet." She looked over a clipboard. "And you and Kendall know the drill just lip-sync and go for it."

I glanced to where the makeup artist was touching up his powder. "Ha, yeah, go for it."

"If you want to get in the cab we'll check the lighting."

Liz caught my arm. "I gave him a mint."

I swatted her arm. "Stop, it'll be fine."

When I got to where Kendall was he gave me a grin. "So, you, me, a cab? Anything could happen."

"Ugh, come on." I grabbed his arm and we climbed into the back seat.

Kendall scooted next to me and fixed his hair in the rearview mirror. I rolled my eyes and scoffed at him.

"What? I want to look good for my leading lady. I even ate a whole pack of mints and used extra lip balm."

"My hero." I deadpanned.

He smirked and elbowed my ribs. "Come on, you're not even a little bit excited to make out with me? It could be a repeat of the hotel room."

"I am definitely not even a little bit excited about making out with you," I answered. "This is for work and I don't have time for games."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, so you won't be trying to win this round?"

"I never said that. I just said this isn't the first thing I'd be doing tonight, given the choice."

He hummed in acknowledgment. "Whatever you say, Len."

"Len?" I asked.

"Everyone calls you Elle, I want to be different."

I tried not to dwell on the fact that the last person to call me something other than Elle was Jett. He called me Len too and look how that ended. I looked up at him out of the corner of my eye. I hated to admit it but he looked good, hot even. Once the lighting was set up and the cameras were in place, I got into the zone. I took on the persona of someone who was into Kendall.

"Okay just go for it. You're into each other and want to hook up." Olivia directed from outside the car. "And action!"

The song played and Kendall ran his hand up my thigh, teasingly. He looked up and gave a wicked grin and laughed a little.

"You like that?"

I leaned into his ear and began to kiss his neck. We stared at each other, our noses brushing together. Over the speakers, the song played. I heard myself sing about feeling the weight of a kiss on my lips. Apprehensively, I brushed my lips against Kendall's. He kissed me back, hard and his hand went into my damp hair. He leaned over me and I almost ended up on my back. I braced myself against the window and pulled him down with my other hand.

"You like that?" I mimicked.

He smirked and pulled me onto his lap and I could feel how he was getting turned on. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let his tongue explore my mouth. Our legs tangled up in the cramped backseat and my heart pounded much like the song explained. It didn't feel like acting or revenge it felt right and when Olivia called cut it took me a second to realize it.

"Okay, that looked good, but for this next take can you be a little more longing? You guys just met, you're a bit nervous but it feels right. Ready and action!"

Kendall cleared his throat at Olivia's words. I wondered if they seemed to explain our situation to Kendall too. Olivia was spot on.

The song picked back up and this time Kendall took his time running his hand up my leg. I wasn't shy about resting my hand on his knee and giving a flirty smile. His eyes lingered on my mouth and he smirked.

The song got to the line about how our hands fit together the right way. Kendall held his hand up to mine and we slowly intertwined our fingers and he ran his thumb across my bottom lip.

"Tried of this game Len." He said quietly.

"Do something about it then." I challenged.

He grinned, held my face in his hands and kissed me deeply. He made out for a bit and he undid my trench coat, revealing my tight dress. My hand found his crotch and brushed against it.

"Now flirt!" Olivia called out.

"Too bad were filming." He whispered into my ear. "Want to actually do something about how hot you are."

I laughed for the sake of the video and hit him on the chest. He laughed back, his green eyes bright and free from their usual judgment.

"Now get out of the cab Elle."

I patted his cheek and climbed out of the car. I turned over my shoulder and kissed him once more before going up the front stairs of my fake apartment. We reset and I climbed back in.

"You're a terrible actress." He snorted.

"Fuck you, no I'm not."

"An actress wouldn't actually get turned on."

I pointed to his lap. "If anyone was turned on it was definitely you."

He smirked. "It's biology babe I can't help it."

I smacked him and watched as he reapplied chapstick. "I'm winning the game by the way."

"You're cute we'll see about that."

We filmed a few shots of us lip syncing especially the climax of the song where it slowed down. As we sang the actually feeling of anticipation built. Kendall brushed his thumb over my lip and I held my breath.

"I can feel the anticipation in my veins." He sang slowly, before leaning in to kiss me softly.

We filmed a rougher version of the makeout scene. Olivia wanted to have plenty of options to edit with and personally, I didn't mind.

"Whatever it takes to get Elle the best video possible." Kendall batted his lashes.

"Shut up, I'm going to win."

"Okay, steamier but not 50 shades of grey," Olivia ordered through her megaphone. "We're rolling and action."

The music started so we wouldn't be too off beat when the actual song was played over top of the footage. I climbed on to Kendall's lap and he wrapped his arms around my waist and I kissed his neck leaving a lipstick stain. When he pushed his hips into mine I was taken aback and moaned.

"That feel good?" He laughed against my lips and continued to rock his hips into mine. "You want some more?"

My hands found his hair and he groped my chest. I kissed him and lost myself in the moment. Shortly, after Olivia called cut and said we had enough footage.

She was watching the monitor and smiled to herself. "You two have chemistry for just kissing for the first time."

I nearly died of embarrassment right then and there. Kendall just gave me a shy look and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"Guys, you're doing great. Now I emailed you both the picture of you two in the cab. Gustavo's instructions were to post the picture and imply it's a sneak peek." Kelly explained to us, as she came out of the studio. "And then you have that interview with a local magazine."

Kendall pulled up the email and smirked. We both looked at the photo, his lips were pressed against mine and my hands were in his hair. We almost looked like a couple. The two of us shared a nervous glance before Kendall walked off.

I pulled up the picture and looked it at for a moment before coming up with a caption.

 **I can almost feel the weight your kiss on my lips. You'll all have to 'weight' for the rest, stay tuned!**

After hitting the post button, I put my phone away. I didn't want to see it anymore. The only thing left to film was us actually getting into the cab. There was some short dialogue, my throat was still sore and I wasn't looking forward to standing in the rain.

"So, that was something to witness." Liz teased as my makeup was touched up. "And you say he hates you."

I couldn't roll my eyes but I gave her the finger. "I said he doesn't like me."

She tilted her head towards the craft service table. "I beg to differ. Don't forget you have a short interview in a few minutes."

"I won't, now go tell Gustavo if I have to sing another duet it won't be with Kendall."

Liz just jerked her thumb towards him and answered her phone. I turned just in time to see him balancing two paper cups.

"Is your throat killing you too?" He asked, taking a drink. "Here."

I raised an eyebrow. "What's this?"

"Tea, ice water and honey right?"

Dubiously, I sniffed it and took a sip. "How did you know?"

"You make it every night. I still think cold water defeats the purpose but whatever." He said, avoiding my eye.

"Yours is too hot to drink whereas mine is perfect. Thank you though." I waved, walking off to where the food was. "Hey, guys."

James waved, looking up from his phone. "So, you and Kendall looked pretty...comfortable."

"Comfortable?" I laughed. "What does that mean?"

Logan looked down at his cup. "Just that you, uh."

"What they're trying to say is it seems like you didn't mind making out." Carlos finally said. "And they aren't wrong. If people hadn't been watching you probably would have fucked."

There was no way Kendall would have mentioned us kissing. They would never have let him hear the end of it, but they did know about our game, so I shrugged. "I can't have a shitty video."

"Is it the game you're playing? You know the weird flirty one?"

This made me roll my eyes. "It's not weird, he doesn't insult me every other word. So it's working. We have an interview come on."

The interview was with a local magazine, it was exactly like every other one so far on tour. But when the writer nodded to the guys and asked her next question I almost died.

"So you've made out with every guy in BTR. Who would you say is the best kisser on tour?"

I coughed, choking on some tea. Kendall turned his head so fast I thought he had whiplash. "What?"

"Well, the four of you had your party a few weeks back. Now you and Kendall kissed tonight, right?" She held up pictures of us on snapchat and then a picture from tonight's shoot. "One of them was for a video but still we're dying to know. Who's the best kisser on tour?"

Kendall and I shared a look, relieved that she hadn't said what we both thought. It was obvious neither of us was thinking of the video shoot but the angry backstage kiss and the night in my hotel room. It hadn't occurred to me that I had kissed all four members of the band. Who was the best kisser was obvious but it made me sick to think about it. It was Kendall without a doubt. But I would rather die before I let him know that. Without thinking I blurted out my answer.

"Well, I am of course." I grinned, good-naturedly. "But these four aren't too bad. Kendall was just for work and nothing else."

James made a face at me, confused by my reaction. "I beg to differ but I'll be a gentleman."

I forced out a laugh and shoved him. "How kind of you."

We finished the interview by giving a behind the scenes look at the set. Then, thankfully it was time to wrap up the video. The rain blasted onto the fake street. I stood under an awning pretending to shiver. I groaned when a cab drove past us.

"Why is it so hard to get a cab this late?" I asked.

Kendall leaned against the wall. "It's midnight, on Friday. Where you headed?"

I gave him a smile and let my eyes wander over his body just like the script called for. "Downtown."

The smirk he gave was almost real. "So am I, stand right here, it's dry."

I sauntered over to him and pulled my trenchcoat tighter around me. "Thanks."

We pretended to shyly avoid eye contact, when we looked at each other I tried to look nervous. Kendall cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair.

"Well, if you're going my way-" He started, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Maybe we could share a ride?" I suggested.

He gave me a grin and stepped closer to me, draping an arm over my shoulders. The camera followed us as we stepped into the street and he pretended to hail a cab. He opened the door for me and I grabbed his hand, pulling him with me. He let his hand creep up my leg. He made some joke and I laughed without really hearing it. He smiled down at me, his green eyes bright. I reached out to touch his face and moved to kiss him-

"That's a wrap!" Olivia called out.

And just like that, the magic had faded. Kendall cleared his throat and I dropped my hands from his face. He pushed himself off of me and helped me out of the cab. When we emerged we were no longer in our little world. All of the crew members applauded as we celebrated the successful end of our video. And I had to admit there was a swell of pride in my chest. I had come up with the video idea, wrote the song and had a say in what happened. This was all I could have hoped for when I decided to make a comeback.

"Congratulations Len." Kendall pulled me into a hug. "I'm proud of you."

His smile was genuine. "Thank you."

The guys hugged me as well and I let the warm and happy feeling in my chest carry me back to the makeup department. I set to work taking off all the makeup that had been applied for tonight's video. As I wiped my face with a towel I scrolled through my notifications and smiled. Fans were already excited about the photo of Kendall and me.

"Shit, I ship this too now. #Keleanor?"

"My queen has risen and she looks good!"

"If Elle could stop having chemistry with every guy from BTR that'd be great. I dunno who to ship. #Ellos #Ellegan #Jelle #KenLen."

Tons of the replies were full of heart eye emojis and crying emojis. Apparently, people were planning their funerals because this picture alone had killed them. They were so enthusiastic so I liked as many replies as I could. And thankfully, Kendall's post was respectful. He had posted the same picture and captioned it:

 **Anything can happen in the back of a cab. Check out Elle Harper's new video coming soon!**

Even though Kendall and I reconciled a little, he was still a bit of a wildcard. I was glad his comment wasn't too suggestive. The replies to his post were just as excited, I was relieved his fans weren't as angry as they had been when they found out I'd be joining the tour.

"Oh, whoa, oh." I hummed under my breath as I took off my makeup. "Anything can happen, oh, whoa, oh."

I leaned into the mirror to get a better look at the eyeliner I was currently scrubbing off. I was cold and ready to climb onto the warm bus. My head was in the clouds as I continued humming to myself. It was when I caught a glimpse of blonde hair in the mirror did I focus. I could see Kendall's reflection as he leaned against the door. A smirk hung on his lips as he stared at my backside as I bent over in the mirror. His eyes wandered up to my body until they met mine in the mirror.

"It's rude to stare Kendall." I teased.

His smirk fell and he rolled his eyes. "You're hogging the mirror."

"Yeah sure. That's what you were doing, not looking at my ass."

A red flush colored his cheeks and he shook his head. "Why would I want to look at your ass?"

"Because it's great." I turned to face him. I was still in the trenchcoat and my dress clung to my body. "Kendall?"

His eyes had been focused on my legs, all the way up to my chest. He blinked when I called his name and he scratched his jaw. He drew in a breath before his eyes met mine.

"Hmm?"

My voice was low. "You're staring."

"Am not." He countered, "I was just looking at, at. Shut up."

I laughed a little and walked over to him and patted his cheek. "Such a one-track mind. You can have the mirror or whatever your excuse was."

Once on the bus, I was grateful to be warm and changed into pajamas. I was laying in my bunk, watching a movie on my laptop. My phone buzzed next to me and I was surprised to see Kendall's name. I pulled out my earbuds and opened his text.

 _I was looking at you and thinking about what was under that coat._

Oh. This was unexpected and bold, especially for Kendall.

 _I could tell._ I responded.

Without my headphones in I could hear his phone chime as he got my text. His reply came quickly.

 _Oh yeah?_

I smirked a little. _Yeah, one look at your pants it was pretty obvious. Even with your tiny boner._

 _Nothing tiny about anything. You looked good, liked what I saw it's simple._

 _You stared long enough._ I retorted, my fingers flew over the screen. This was a new kind of flirting we had only text each other once or twice before this. My phone buzzed once more.

 _So did you apparently you noticed my pants._

 _So I did._ I wrote back. _It was obvious_ _like I said._

From further back in the bus, I heard his phone chime once more. I watched as the three dots the meant he was typing popped up. When his text came I nearly dropped my phone at how blunt he was.

 _Well it's even bigger and better up close. ;)_

"Ugh," I muttered, wrinkling my nose. "Please don't send a dick pic."

Luckily he didn't and I smirked, for someone who didn't like me he certainly wasn't shy.

 _Whatever you say. Goodnight, Kendall._

And then after that, I smirked. I saw my chance to claim my victory and I sent a second message.

 _PS: I win this round._

* * *

AN: Elle and Kendall finally got to work out some tension and their game is getting more intense. I enjoy writing the flirting and steamier chapters. I hope you enjoy reading them. Please check out the note below and let me know what you thought of this update. Where do you think Kendall and Elle will take things next? I appreciate you all and hope you review. Thank you.

An important note about chapter 14: I wrote almost half of this fic before publishing it so I have quite a few chapters prewritten. Unfortunately, chapter 14 was deleted by mistake from my computer. I have to rewrite it. I just want to give you all a heads up that chapter 14 might be up the week after next. I apologize but I want to make sure it's well written. It will be published on May 16th or May 23rd.

Stayed tuned Rushers.


	14. Chapter 14

AN: Welcome back Rushers! Thanks for being so patient and for your feedback. This chapter follows the release of Elle's video, Kendall takes a stand, someone old pops up and there's an interview. I hope you enjoy this chapter and let me know what you liked best. Thanks and enjoy!

* * *

The fake rain from the set of my video had followed us. Real rain fell in heavy sheets as we had ran into a restaurant to grab breakfast. It was just the five of us, Kelly, Liz and Gustavo opted to go to the cafe next door for a strategy meeting. The air was humid and James had complained about it the whole time we had been looking at the menus. Thankfully, breakfast seemed to brighten his mood.

"Today's the day. Are you excited?" He leaned across the table to clap me on the shoulder. "You haven't said anything all week."

I shrugged and picked at my waffles. "Yeah, nervous but excited. I just hope they like it."

"Why wouldn't they like it? It's dope and you and Kendall certainly will entertain people."

Kendall shifted next to me and gave me a shy smile. "Yeah, it'll be fine Len."

If the blush that rose to my face was noticeable no one said anything. My cheeks felt hot at Kendall's nickname, it still took me by surprise every time I heard it. Since filming our video, our game seemed to hit a lull. There were still tense looks and his hands still wandered up my leg but it didn't feel like it was for points. We weren't friends but he didn't treat me like I was nothing either. I think filming the video was just what we needed to break the tension. For a brief moment, we stared at each other before I cleared my throat.

"I still can't believe it's coming out today, we filmed it a week ago. Liz said Olivia works fast but I'm still amazed." I shook my head. "She won't let me watch it, she wants it to be a surprise."

"Olivia's a great director and Liz and Gustavo wouldn't let anything bad happen," Logan said. "Besides, you two looked good so it'll be a great video. Only a few hours to go, right?"

I looked at my phone. "About five hours to go. We should just be getting into Cleveland when it's uploaded."

"And hopefully it stops fucking raining. It's hot and I feel like I need a shower again." James griped. "Seriously, we've been to how many cities in the past week and it's rained every day."

"I think it's nice, Arizona is dry most of the year. I don't mind the rain." I mused. "I wouldn't mind snow, to be honest."

James then preceded to complain about how the snow would melt and mess up his hair. Carlos was in the middle of explaining just how bad the snow storms in Minnesota got when a high pitched squeal cut him off. When I turned I saw two girls rushing over to our table.

"You're Elle Harper!" The older one gushed. "Hi!"

"I am, hi." I greeted, climbing out the booth. "What's your name?"

She was starstruck and sputtered for a moment. "I'm Hannah and this is my sister Kate."

I waved to the small girl standing next to her. "It's nice to meet you guys. Are you coming to the show tonight?"

Kate spoke up. "Yeah, it's my birthday. Our parents didn't want us to come but I kept asking until they said yes."

"Happy Birthday." My voice faltered a bit, this wasn't unusual now. "My video's coming out today, it's not a bad gift."

Hannah nodded excitedly. "For _Night Like This_! We saw the sneak peek, was it fun to film?"

I looked over my shoulder at Kendall who was watching the whole scene with a smirk. "It was interesting that's for sure."

"Can we get a picture please?"

I crowded together with them and handed Logan one of the girl's phone. We took a picture together and then I took one of them with the guys. I was just giving them Liz's details so they could come backstage tonight when a gruff voice interrupted us.

"Hannah, Kate where have you been?"

"Dad, look it's Elle and Big Time Rush!" Kate explained. "We were coming back from the bathroom and I saw them."

"Actually, _I_ saw them but still. Elle invited us backstage tonight for Kate's birthday."

Their dad glared at me. "So you're the Elizabeth my daughters are so obsessed with?"

"Hi," I said warily, not wanting to correct him. "Nice to meet you."

"He thinks you're a 'bad influence' but I'm 17 and not an idiot. Jett was totally lame to put that video out." Hannah rolled her eyes. "He almost didn't let us come."

Their dad's face was pitched. "She is a bad influence. It doesn't matter that there's a video, what matters is the fact that she does stuff like that. And she's always naked and talking about sex and partying."

My stomach twisted and I sighed. This wasn't the first time a parent had confronted me in public about the video or my songs. But each time still hurt.

"I-I think that video was taken out of context," I explained, cowering a bit. "It's complicated."

"That doesn't stop the fact that you're teaching my daughters it's okay to be naked all the time. And those songs you sing make you sound like some drugged out party girl without a brain." He berated me. "God, you're parents should have taught you better. I know you have money for clothes your tickets are expensive enough."

My throat was tight and my eyes stung. "That's not, I-"

"My daughters are 17 and 15, they don't need some tabloid case, wild child telling them what they should do. It's disgraceful. They're lucky it's Kate's birthday because their mom and I didn't want them to come. I'm raising my girls to be ladies." He stepped towards me. "Not whores."

"Take a step back, get out of her face." Kendall moved in front of me, putting himself between me and the man. "First of all, her name is Eleanor. Second of all, she's a person and you can't talk to her like that. Elle is incredibly talented and she made a mistake but that's not who she is. She's smart and has a good heart. In fact, my sister isn't much older than your daughters and I think Elle's a great role model for her. She's a businesswoman, knows what she wants and isn't afraid to stop until it happens."

"Yeah, it's pretty badass to be who you are." Logan seconded. "She's the kind of person you want your daughters to be. She's resilient and strong."

The dad shuffled a bit. "The outfits and the songs though, they're slutty."

"Elle's an adult she can wear what she wants. And those songs? She plays two instruments and writes the music herself. How many can you play?" Kendall kept a grip on my arm and his voice was loud. "You'd be pissed if someone called your kids whores or sluts wouldn't you? How about you have the decency to treat my friend the way you'd want them to be treated."

"Well, I still don't like her music." He huffed.

Kendall rolled his eyes and used the tone that he used to give me. "That's fine but apologize to her."

He sheepishly held out his hand. "I'm sorry, it was uncalled for."

I rolled my eyes and shook his hand. "Yeah, it was."

Kate looked mortified. "He's so embarrassing. I'm sorry Elle!"

"It's fine, really." I was surprised by how shaky my voice was. "I still hope you call Liz so we can show you around backstage."

The older sister hugged me. "We will. Sorry about him again."

Once they had their backs turned I gave the man the finger. "Fucking asshole."

Kendall and I sat back down and I blinked a few times. The guys looked sympathetic and James put a hand on my shoulder.

"You okay?"

I forced a smile to my face. "Fine, it's nothing I'm not used to."

"He was a dick who didn't know what he was talking about," Carlos reassured me. "He's one of those people who like to complain so they feel important."

"Yeah, I know. It's just been a while since I've run into a parent like that." I stirred my straw focusing on the ice in my cup. "I just hope those kids come to the show, it would suck if her birthday was ruined."

The rest of breakfast was quiet and I tuned out most of the conversation. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about everything that man had said to me. People were bold in their hatred of me. When things first happened a death threat wasn't unusual. Some parents had called for the label to drop me and for me to apologize. Apologize for my own assault as if it was my fault. But people were clueless about what actually happened, even the four guys sitting next to me. Sometimes I thought about coming clean, but things were going so well and I was afraid of bringing more attention to myself. I picked at my food and it was a hand on my shoulder that pulled me from my thoughts.

"Hmm?" I looked up to see the guys halfway out the door.

"We're leaving and I don't want to spend all day in this booth." Kendall joked gesturing for me to slide out. "Are you alright?"

I stood up. "Yeah, thanks."

"Of course. It's going to be a good day, the video's coming out, we have an interview and it's going to be alright. Don't let that asshole get to you. He's clueless, you're so much more than that video."

My smile was a little more genuine. "You're right."

He shot me a smug grin over his shoulder. "Always am."

* * *

We were still a few hours away from Cleveland. The day was fairly light schedule-wise, all we had was an interview for Rolling Stone. It was exciting but most of the questions were prescreened so it wasn't too stressful. I was grateful for the easy day. The rain had left everyone with sore throats so we weren't recording. Which was good because I was speechless, I leaned against the counter in the kitchen area. My frown was deep, today just wasn't my day. I was looking through my notifications and I had been tagged several times in a video.

It was from Jett's Snapchat but had been shared elsewhere. He was in the passenger seat and his friends were being obnoxious as usual. Music blared and they all laughed, smoked filled the car.

"We're out in Italy filming and of course I had to bring these dicks with me." Jett laughed, his eyes were bloodshot and glassy. "All the essentials, the bros, the Range Rover and that good shit."

He took a hit from a joint and blew smoke rings into the camera. In the background the radio announcer spoke in Italian and then, my song started. Jett's smile dropped and his face hardened.

"Everybody wants to know if we fucked on the bathroom sink."

His friends all shrieked with laughter and there were various insults from them. Jett seemed to enjoy this because he smirked, nodding in approval.

"Ugh, not this again."

"Slut. Always hated her."

Jett rolled his eyes and leaned forward to turn the radio down. He took another hit and shrugged into the camera.

"Hate that bitch too, but I'd fuck her again." He grinned wickedly. "But I have the video so I don't need to."

"Everyone has that video." One chuckled, off camera.

Jett groaned. "Alright, turn that shit off."

The driver fiddled with that station and Jett gave the radio the finger before turning to something else. The volume was cranked up and he nodded.

"Much better."

The clip ended there and apparently it had been deleted from his story. It was fans that saved the clip and shared it. My stomach was in knots and I frowned. Today was meant to be a good day but of course, something had to ruin it. I blinked back a few tears when the guys started shouting about a movie marathon.

"Elle get back here and pick something!" Logan shouted.

"You know it's my turn."

"C-Coming." I called, my voice broke. "Just a sec."

Hastily, I wiped my eyes. Today was going be a good day and I wouldn't let this stop me. I made my way to the back where we piled on the couch to watch a movie. It was James' turn to pick and he had picked a romantic comedy. The choice seemed odd for him but Logan had explained.

"James is texting the actress and he promised he'd watch all her movies. So we all have to suffer."

It was a bit cramped on the couch. I found myself between Kendall and Carlos while the other two were in chairs. We settled in for the cheesy rom-com and I cringed the whole way through. The plot was predictable and didn't keep my attention. Honestly, I was preoccupied with Jett's video. Somehow, thousands of miles away he could still ruin my day. I shifted in my seat, trying to shake off the bad feeling in my stomach.

"There's another hour of this?" I asked halfway through the film. "Seriously?"

James turned. "She's hot. And come on, what girl doesn't like a good rom-com?"

"This one. They're all the same. Girl meets boy, they don't like each other or something is in the way of them being a couple. But then magically, they get back together and she wears some white poofy dress and they live happily ever after." I explained, standing up. "I hate when the ending is predictable and turns out right. Real life isn't like that."

The guys laughed at this and James frowned. "Wow, bitter much? What kind of movies do you watch if you're so cultured?"

I grabbed my phone charger from my bag and sat back down, wiggling between Carlos and Kendall. "No, just realistic. I don't like love songs either. They're ridiculously cheesy. And if you must know I like indie films or documentaries."

"Well, when I'm her husband one day I'll be sure to have you say that at the wedding."

On screen, the actress burst into the room. She was in a white wedding dress that overwhelmed her small frame. I scoffed and nodded to it.

"See, what did I tell you? When I get married I won't be wearing white." I said proudly as I stood back up. "She is hot though."

Logan laughed at this from where he sat. "She has a point man. They are all pretty similar."

"This is why you're my favorite Logan." I winked, sitting back down with my bottle of water. "No offense guys."

We went back to watching the movie, James was clearly enamored with the actress because he fell silent. I didn't give it my full attention, I was scrolling through social media. This distracted me for a few minutes. I wanted to see if Jett had said anything else about me. So far, the only thing on his feed was behind the scenes stuff for his movie. I shivered a bit and knew only half of it was from Jett. The air conditioner was on full blast and I got to my feet once more, earning a groan from Kendall.

"What else could you possibly need?" He asked. "You keep getting up."

"I'm cold Kendork." I pointed to the goosebumps on my arms. "We're not all from Minnesota and used to the cold. I'm fragile."

"Sit down, I beg you. You elbow me everytime you get up." He pulled his hoodie over his head and tossed it to me. He sounded annoyed but he couldn't hide his smile. "You're not fragile, you turned on the air."

I gave him the finger and pulled it on. It was the green Minnesota Wilds one he wore all the time. The smell of his soap and the faint smell of smoke was comforting and enveloped me. When I sat down I settled into his side and his hand rested on my leg. Once the movie James picked was over it was Logan's turn. He picked a historical drama which was boring to everyone but him. My eyes wandered to Kendall, he was focused on his phone. Texts between him and Jo were clear as day.

Miss you babe. Are you having a good time? Sorry, we haven't talked for a few days.

Jett's being a dick as usual so I'm avoiding him...but it's beautiful here. And it's fine we're both busy.

Not as beautiful as you are. :)

I nearly vomited at the sight of their texts. They were boring and sickeningly sweet, but I was glad Jo was staying away from Jett. Even if she had been bitchy to me after the incident I didn't want him to attack anyone else. Kendall slipped his phone into his pocket. I was a bit disappointed, their dry ass texts had been entertaining. I sighed and stretched a bit, letting my hand fall on his knee.

"Bored?" He asked quietly.

"Very."

Between the dull movie, the rocking of the bus and the warmth of the hoodie I was comfortable enough to fall asleep. My eyes fell shut and I let myself drift off.

The next thing I heard was snickering. I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut, not ready to wake up. I turned and buried my face to block out the light.

"Dude they look cute."

"Shh, we need to get a picture of this or they won't believe it happened."

"Hate each other my ass."

The sound of retreating laughter woke me up. My neck was stiff and I shifted a bit. It wasn't until I felt an arm pull me close did I freeze. When I opened one eye I was greeted by the sight of blonde hair, my head rested on his shoulder. Kendall was asleep next to me with his arm around my waist. I sat up and nudged him.

"Kendall, let go."

He moaned and shook his head. "Five more minutes babe."

Clearly, he was dreaming about Jo. "Wake up _Kendick_."

He sat up quickly and looked around. When he saw me he smiled for a moment before shaking his head. "Did you fall asleep on me?"

"You had your arm around me." I countered, sitting up.

Kendall stood up, rubbing his eyes. His voice was raspy. "I have to call Jo."

Before I could say anything he walked out out the room, sliding the door behind him. I was alone and when I looked down I saw I was still wearing his hoodie. The awkward energy in the room was tangible. But perhaps, even more, tangible was the feeling in my stomach when I woke up next to him. It felt right.

And that was terrifying.

* * *

The fact that waking up next to Kendick wasn't the worst thing in the world was unnerving. But waiting for my video to premiere was even more nervewracking. We had been at the venue for all of twenty minutes but we crowded around a TV in a dressing room. MTV was running a marathon of all my videos and a behind the scenes documentary I had filmed a few years back.

"And we're back with the Elle Takeover as we count down the last few minutes to her video premiere for _Night Like This._ This marks the first video Elle has put out since taking a hiatus a year and a half ago. Fans are already excited and it's the number one trend on Twitter." The host explained and pointed to a large countdown clock at the bottom of the screen. "All that fans have seen so far is the sneak peek both Elle and Kendall Knight from BTR have posted. It shows the two in the backseat of a cab mid-makeout."

Next to me, Kendall caught my eye and shuffled a bit. Fans had been tweeting us all week saying they shipped us. If only they knew we weren't acting in that car. Liz placed her hands on my shoulder when she walked in the room.

"Are you excited?"

"Absolutely," I said quickly. "I finally get to see it."

"Well it's great, you should be proud of yourself." She promised.

Onscreen the host was talking excitedly. "And the wait is over. Here it is, the world premiere of Elle Harper's new video, _Night Like This._ "

The screen faded to black and the intro started. My stomach swooped as I watched myself walk out of the fake club and run into Kendall. Our chemistry came easy and we smiled at each other as he put an arm around me. Clips of us singing with the band were interspersed throughout the video. So far, I liked what I saw.

"Maybe we should share a ride?" I asked, onscreen.

Kendall nodded and hailed a cab. He opened the door and let me climb in, what was new to me was the way he stared at my ass. I hadn't seen him do it on the day of filming but it was obvious as we watched. His friends laughed and bobbed their heads to the song. I bit my lip as the chorus kicked in.

"I can feel my heartbeat, electric to my fingertips."

My heart pounded in my chest as I saw Kendall run his hand up my bare thigh. He had a small, private smirk on his face. I could still feel his fingers on my skin a week later. I could still feel his lips against my ear as he told me he wanted to do something about our game. When he leaned over and cupped my face, I saw how excited I looked. And then, he kissed me for the whole world to see. It was natural and looked like we were made for each other. My smile was wide and I kissed him back, climbing onto his lap. He ground his hips into mine and I kissed his neck. Even on screen, I could see the way his breath caught in the back of his throat.

"Clearly, Olivia went with the rougher v-version," I said absentmindedly.

The guys were all amused and Logan chuckled. "I'll say."

The video continued and I could feel heat work up my neck. Kendall and I were flirting in the cab and I pulled him by the collar. He whispered in my ear and I could still feel his warm breath. Our legs tangled together and as he gripped my hips, I remembered thinking how good it felt in that moment. Our flirting translated well onscreen, but I knew it had nothing to do with our acting abilities. Kendall knew this too because when I caught his eye he was red. His blush deepened when he pulled my jacket off. The camera zoomed in on my face as I rocked my body against his. Kendall looked up at me, his pupils blown wide.

"So was this part of the game you two are playing or-?" James chided and mussed Kendall's hair.

Kendall shoved him, but his silence was enough of an answer.

The video switched between shots of us singing and making out. We all watched as he groped my chest and as my hand found his crotch. Soon though, I gave him a lingering kiss and climbed out of the cab. I winked over my shoulder before going inside. And with that, the screen faded to black.

"Well there you have it Elleanators! Elle Harper's steamy new video for _Night Like This_ , her first video since her hiatus." The host was gushing and fanned herself. "She certainly came back with a bang. I know I'm already obsessed with it."

I covered my mouth with my hand and sniffed as everyone clapped for me. Liz threw an arm around my shoulder and grinned. Even though the tour was going well, my singles were popular and people were excited about my album, I officially felt back. There was a video of me that everyone was talking about and for once it was positive. Not only that, it had been my concept. My eyes were wet as I spoke.

"T-Thanks guys."

"I'm proud of you." Liz rubbed my back. "Seriously, you did a great job."

"Thank you, for everything."

Gustavo nodded. "Congrats, keep that fire going. I think it's going to be huge."

Carlos, Logan, and James pulled me into a group hug after giving me three cheers. I laughed as they nearly knocked me over with their enthusiasm.

"You totally killed it."

"It was dope, proud of you."

"I still think I should have been your co-star but you and Kendall looked good." James joked. "Congrats Elle."

Kelly gave me a high five. "It's a great video. I hate to break up the party, but we need to test the pyro for tonight."

The celebration fizzled out after that. Liz went to call my label and prep for the interview we had later, Gustavo went with Kelly and the guys made their way to the stage. As usual, it was just Kendall and I. I wasn't sure it was the video or the fact we napped together, but we were stiff and quiet. He ran a hand through his hair and chuckled nervously.

"Congratulations." He said. "I'm proud of you."

I folded my arms. "Well, congrats to you too. You're in the video with me."

He shrugged. "It's your song, you wrote 95% of it and you looked better than I did. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks, Kendall." I smiled up at him. "We make a good team."

"We do." He closed the gap between us and tucked my hair behind my ear. "We looked good together."

"We did." I agreed.

Kendall went to speak but was cut off.

"Dude come on! We're burning daylight. I need my preshow nap!"

We both rolled our eyes at James' shouting and Kendall shook his head.

"I better go."

"Yeah, you know how he gets without his beauty rest."

With that, he ran off to join his friends. I could still feel his hand on my face and I sighed. We did make a good team, I just hope everyone else saw that.

* * *

Not only did they see that Kendall and I made a good team, they saw that we had real chemistry. After the guys finished their safety run through we scrolled through the comments of my video. It was already number one on the trending page and had 10,000 views. They seemed to read more into the video than I thought they would.

"Not only has this video killed me, it's also made me ship Kendall and Elle."

"Shiiiit this is hot."

"How much do you wanna bet they fucked after this?"

"I feel like they aren't acting. Who just grabs someone's tits for a music video? And I think I saw a boner at some point. Either way, I ship the fuck out of this."

These were just a few of the comments. So far everything was positive, which was reassuring, but a lot of people were wondering if we were just acting. The guys all thought this was hilarious but it created this awkward energy between Kendall and I. Even so he had insisted on coming with me to give those sisters a tour. They were both grateful for the chance and their father had apologized to me once more. It was nice to make their day and they told me how much they enjoyed the video. After signing autographs and taking pictures Liz ushered them to their seats.

"I could have taken care of myself," I told him as we walked, our hands brushed together. "You didn't have to come."

Kendall shrugged. "Yeah well, their dad was a dick earlier. I wasn't going to leave you alone with them, especially in that."

"My hero," I said dryly and looked down at the tight sparkly top I changed into. "I wore this just to spite him."

"It looks good and definitely pissed him off."

We arrived at the green room and greeted the guys who had changed. We settled on the couch and soon after the interviewer walked in with a photographer.

"Hi guys, I'm Jill thanks for sitting down with me." She greeted. "This is less of an interview and more of a background story. I want to capture what a day on the Count Me In Tour looks like. So I only have a few questions."

"Go for it."

She pulled out a few note cards. "We'll start with the most recent news. Elle, your new video has been out for three hours. It already has almost 11,000 views. How does that feel?"

"It feels unreal. For this video, it was entirely my concept start to finish. From the lyrics, the costumes, the plot. So to have it come together so beautifully and be so well received means the world to me." My smile was genuine and my throat was tight. "It feels like my comeback is official now. New song, new tour, new video."

"Well, I'm into all of it. I've watched the video a few times and it's great." She pointed to Kendall and I. "And I have to say it's a mature look for someone from BTR."

Logan jumped in to comment. "That's the whole idea. We set out on this tour with Elle to get an older fanbase and show that we're all in our twenties and not teens anymore. I think Elle really adds to that we all have a great chemistry."

"The fans seem to notice chemistry for sure." She joked. "Some of the comments on the video are saying you two were actually into it."

My eyes shifted to look at Kendall. He raised his eyebrows and bit his lip, I wondered if my cheeks were as flushed as his.

"Olivia, the director did a great job of taking our awkward kissing and making it look sexy." Kendall's laugh was shaky and sounded forced. "But like she said, it was entirely her idea and she wrote most of the song. I know the video looks hot but Elle's smart as hell, she has an eye for stuff like that."

My tensed shoulders softened a bit. "Thanks."

"Of course."

Jill asked me a few questions about my album before shifting to the guys. They would be putting out a new music video soon too. She asked about their new album, what it was like to grow up as a band and how they planned to keep Rushers interested in them. It was standard interview material and soon enough we took some photos. Logan and James held me up on their shoulders in one. And there was another with me shoving the guys out of my way. We took a few standard group shots before Jill decided she wanted to hang back and just observe us. I was grateful for this because I was still chilled from the rain and air conditioner. I was ready to be out of the revealing outfit I was in. I had just pulled Kendall's sweatshirt over my head when she stopped me.

"Actually, Elle can we get you in front of this wall? I like the way the green stands out against the white."

Liz motioned that it was okay and I posed for a few shots. When Jill and the photographer were satisfied I stepped into the hall. Kendall was waiting for me, he looked amused.

"Apparently you pull that hoodie off better than I do." He teased, faking annoyance. "I've worn it for years and no one cared. But you wear it for a day and suddenly it's popular. You look good in my clothes."

I struck a pose like a model would at the end of the catwalk. "I look good in anything Kendork."

He hummed in response before leaning towards me. "You'd probably look better in nothing at all."

I threw my head back, laughing at this. "You're funny."

"I try."

The people from Rolling Stone blended in with the backstage hustle and bustle. Things were a bit more exciting than they usually were. Now that my video was out there would be clips of it included onscreen during my performance. Everyone was excited to see what it looked like on the big screen.

"You look nervous, do you want a shot?" Logan offered. "It'll take the edge off."

"No, I'm good, thanks though."

James rubbed my shoulders. "You've got this."

"Make sure you play up the flirting later tonight," Liz instructed.

"Guys, it's going to be fine." I teased. "God, you're more nervous than I am. I _have_ done this before you know"

"We know, we're just proud of your video." Carlos mimed wiping a tear away. "Our baby's growing up."

I rolled my eyes as I took my mic and climbed into the lift that would take me up to the stage. "Fuck you guys. I can't stand you."

"You love us."

"I don't know about all of that." I waved as the music started. "Wish me luck hockeyheads."

My set was going well, the fans seemed more energetic than usual. They sang louder, danced more and seemed like they were going to blow the roof off the venue. After all the shittiness of today with that angry dad and Jett, this felt good. This is what made it worth it.

"So, as you guys know I put out a new music video. Have you seen it yet?" I was met with loud, ear-shattering cheers. "I'll take that as a yes. Kendall, get out here."

Kendall walked out onstage in the same outfit he wore in the video. He grinned and waved to the fans before pulling me into a hug.

"How great was the video for _Night Like This_?" Kendall asked, hyping up the crowd. "Go watch it, share it, like it. Elle worked really hard on it."

He had never complimented me onstage like this. Normally it was just insults or snide comments, my face was warm and it wasn't from the stage lights. We hinted that we had a surprise for the fans and the song started. The arena was full of shouting and cheering when clips from the video played on screen. As Kendall and I sang, we kept it loose. Things weren't nearly as scripted as they once were. We were in tune with each other, it was almost magnetic.

"Cleveland, sing it with us." Kendall held the microphone out. "Oh, whoa, oh."

"There's something in your eyes like you know me." I sang, swaying to the rhythm.

He rested his hand on my hip and the smile he gave me was just for us. "Could I know you?"

We danced around the stage and I glanced up at the screen and saw Kendall and I making out in the cab. We both seemed to take Liz's instructions to flirt more to heart. If I moved, he moved and vice versa. When we both saw ourselves kissing onscreen Kendall's face was noticeably red from across the stage. The song reached its peak and his hand found mine, our fingers looped together.

"I could feel anticipation through my veins." Kendall sang slowly, his voice came out low.

"I could almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips." My breath caught in the back of my throat when he reached up to touch my face.

There was a tense moment as we stared at each other. It felt like we were the only ones in the room and Kendall looked down at me. His eyes linger on my mouth, I could feel his breath on my cheek as he leaned in. It was instinctual to lean up to reach him. All I wanted to do was close the gap but then the bright stage lights brought me back to reality. At the last moment, I turned my head away. We both deflated a bit, but the tension was palpable.

"Anything can happen on a night like this."

The fans cheered louder than usual and my face went red when Kendall pushed me forward. I waved at them, grinning breathlessly.

"Come on, I know you can cheer for Elle louder than that. How great was her video?"

The volume grew louder and I covered my face with my hand. I was onstage every night and didn't get embarrassed easily but this was different. The fans had supported me through thick and thin and to have Kendall compliment me like this was touching. He put his mic down and clapped for me, there was no smugness or spite just pride.

"Thank you, thank you a thousand times over." I rambled. "It means the world to me."

Kendall gave me a side hug and dashed offstage. But not before squeezing my hand, the lump in my throat was unmistakable as I thanked everyone again. It felt like the game was over, maybe we finally made peace.

The rest of the show went off without a hitch. I performed with the guys like normal and I managed to not stare at Kendall the whole time. This was a particularly amazing feat when you considered the fact that he kept brushing up against me. Even when the show was over I found that my stomach was a flurry of nerves. I chalked it up to the comments on my video though. They were all positive and several media outlets were praising it. There was almost no mention of Jett's little Snapchat rant, I was grateful. So I was confused when I went out to smoke by the bus and heard his name.

"I just think it's sketchy and disgusting. I'll keep it in mind though but still, I don't know Jett-" When he saw me he rolled his eyes. "He's just being a dick, don't let him get to you. You too, bye."

"What was that?" I questioned.

Kendall shrugged. "Jo, Jett's being a dick on set I guess. He wants to come with her to visit. I think it's a bad idea."

"No way, I don't want to see him."I shook my head and then sighed. "And I'm not surprised, he _is_ a dick."

He lit my cigarette for me. "I know, I uh, saw his video earlier."

"You did?" I cringed.

Kendall looked visibly annoyed. "Yeah, his friends are dumbasses and so is he."

"Tell me about it." I blew smoke from my lips and watched it drift in the air. "My video is better anyways."

"It is." He agreed with a smile.

We smoked in silence for a few minutes. It was comfortable and it wasn't until I pushed Jett from my thoughts did I remember the original reason I came out here.

"Thank you by the way," I said a moment later after flicking ashes from my cigarette.

"For what?" He turned to look at me and leaned against the bus.

I rubbed my arm. "Dealing with that dad this morning. Thank you for sticking up for me and standing between us."

"I wasn't going to let him speak to you like that. Or get so close to you, it wasn't cool." Kendall's face was serious but then he elbowed me good-naturedly. "Besides, if someone gets to get under your skin that's me."

"Shut up." I rolled my eyes and shoved him back. "That's not true."

The corner of his mouth curled up into a stupid half smile. "Yes, it is."

"Whatever you say." I kissed his cheek. I ducked my head, feeling a bit shy. "Thanks, Kendork."

He took one last drag of his cigarette before snuffing it out. He shoved a piece of gum in his mouth and squeezed my shoulder. "Anytime, Elle. Night."

He started to walk away but paused, bending down to kiss my face. His stubble was rough against my cheek and I felt heat prickled up my neck. He gave me one last smile before stepping onto the bus. I sighed and swallowed hard, my fingers brushed against the spot. I could still feel the weight of it and I smiled. Maybe being friends with Kendall wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

AN: Elle's video is out, Jett's up to no good, Kendall stood up for Elle and they bonded. A lot happened this chapter and I'd love to hear what you thought. The next chapter is the best one so far in my opinion so I hope you'll tune in. Let's just say some progress is made and the interview they did comes out. So, what was your favorite part? I enjoyed writing Jett's little video, Kendall defending Elle and scene at the end where she thanks him.

Thanks again and stay tuned. See you next week!


	15. Chapter 15

AN: It's my favorite day of the week! Thank you for reading and reviewing last time and welcome back! This chapter is by far my favorite so far. There's a change in the game between Kendall and Elle. This chapter is short and sweet. I hope you enjoy and let me know what your favorite part was. Thanks!

* * *

To most people, touring must look glamorous. There was something intriguing and romantic about being in a different city each night. And traveling and getting paid to do what you loved was a blessing, it really was. But the side most people never saw was the sheer boredom. On most tours, it was safe to bet on the fact that you'd spend more time on a bus than on a stage. So everyone had their own hobby to stay sane.

James worked out like he was getting ready to go to war. Logan read thick novels and worked on his dance moves. Carlos filmed everything and anyone. And from the way he was always fiddling with a guitar, I guessed Kendall wrote songs. As for me, I liked playing tourist. Most days between soundchecks and interviews there would be time for a brief adventure. So I'd look up places near the venue and being a musician I was stoked to be in Nashville. There was a famous music shop just down the street and Liz promised me I could check it out. But for now, I lounged on the bus, drinking my coffee and reading the Rolling Stone article that had just come out. We had been interviewed back in Ohio and the article was printed a few days later. A copy had been sent to each of us. It was all positive and the pictures turned out well. Reading it made me want to buy a ticket to the tour even though I was the performer. It hyped up the tour and it praised all of us for our showmanship and songs. Articles about me hadn't been positive in the past so this one was nice to read. It was only when I turned the page did my face go red.

 _Elle seems to exude a quiet, friendly energy wherever she goes. Despite everything she's been through she is nothing but positive backstage and onstage. Her banter with her tour mates come easy and she can charm everyone in the room instantly. Her wild child days seemed to be behind her as she joked with Logan and Carlos and declined a pre-show shot. Elle's friendship with the guys of Big Time Rush goes deeper than co-workers or good publicity. They all seem to really care for each other. But it's her friendship with Kendall that seems the most genuine._

On the page, there was a picture of Kendall making me laugh in the hallway after the interview. I hadn't realized someone had been taking pictures. Unlike the last time I was filmed without my knowledge, this was a good surprise. Kendall leaned into my ear and I had a smirk on my face. He had told me I'd look great wearing nothing at all which caused me to laugh. It was surprising to read about Kendall and me.

 _Both Big Time Rush and Elle support each other on and off stage, it's obvious they all get along. James was there before the show rubbing her shoulders like a boxer about to go in the ring, Carlos broke the tension with a joke and Logan gave her reassuring words. However, it's the quiet way Kendall watched from the side of the stage that was most touching._

There was a picture of Kendall leaning against the wall with his arms folded, in the distance I saw myself onstage. He had a smile on his face, his real one, not the one he used for the crowds. Based on my outfit it was near the end of my set, after our duet, I hadn't even known he was there. He never watched my set after our duet he always went to prep for his show. Or at least I thought he did.

 _"I think watching her perform is incredible. You'd think after seeing her every night it would get boring but it's not. She has this personality that is meant for people to see." Knight, gushes as we watch her perform. When Elle hits a high note he claps loudly. "I mean did you see that? She's so talented. We're lucky to have her on this tour."_

 _Kendall went onto tell me one of his favorite songs to perform is their duet 'Night Like This'. And he's not wrong to say that, earlier in the night their chemistry had been enough to set the arena on fire. They knew just when to smile and when to reach out to each other. Watching them is like watching the sun, and the planets revolve around it. Always in sync._

The rest of the article gave me enough time to get the blush on my face under control. I read where I had been quoted talking about the guys and our albums. But it was the part about Kendall and I that my mind kept wandering back to. Did we really have chemistry? Everything we did on stage was scripted because he was an asshole who couldn't be trusted. That night Gustavo and Liz had instructed us to flirt, that had to be it. Kendall probably stood by the stage to get more quotes and pictures on himself in the magazine. That was it. Or so I thought because when I walked to the front of the bus Kendall went red and James laughed.

"Oh look it's the sun." He joked pointing at me.

Kendall huffed at this and rolled his eyes. "Why am I the planets?"

"Because you're too gloomy to be the sun _and_ it's my set she was writing about not yours," I explained, hitting him with my copy of the magazine. "And I just do my own thing out there, the rest was up to you."

"It was a good article, it made both of the albums sound really exciting. I checked this morning and the preorders doubled." Logan reported, scooting over so I could sit. "Now we just have to write them."

A nervous laugh forced its way out of me. My album was coming along slowly but surely but it was still stressful to not be even halfway done. 'Hopefully, something will inspire me. Gustavo is writing a song or two for me but all I have are songs about Jett."

"Write about me, apparently I revolve around you," Kendall suggested. "I've never had a song about me."

"Bullshit." I shot back. "Lucy wrote You Dumped Me For Her about you."

He scowled at this, clearly embarrassed. "You seriously wouldn't write a song about me?"

"Maybe Kendork," I smirked a bit. "Give me something to sing about."

"You're on."

* * *

Nashville was hot and humid and the rain came down in random bursts. The guys had tagged along with me to the music shop when I set out an hour ago. But the rain could be heard from inside the building and the thunder was loud. When there was a pause in the storm James was quick to his feet.

"Alright, this was fun but I'm leaving before it starts raining again. Have to keep the hair dry after all."

"I think we should go too, Carlos wants to check out this barbeque place and I wanted to pick up some new video games for the bus." Logan agreed stretching a bit. "And it's hot in here."

I shook my head. "You guys are babies. But fine, leave me here alone."

"Kendall's around here somewhere I'm sure you'll be fine," Carlos promised as they made their way to the front of the store. "I'll grab you some food to make up for it."

"Gee, thanks," I muttered sarcastically.

For the past few days, Kendall and I had seemed to call a truce to our game. We still flirted onstage and during shows but he seemed to ignore me the rest of the time. He had also been up Jo's ass more often. They were always Facetiming or texting. And at night, I could hear him whispering sickeningly sweet things to her on the phone. A small part of me, a part I hated, felt a tinge of jealousy. But a larger part of me thought that was nonsense. I wasn't jealous it was just irritating and interrupted my sleep.

"You'll be fine," James promised.

The guys had ducked out into the rainy weather and I wandered to the back of the store. There were rows of sheet music, walls lined with guitars and every instrument someone could want. I spent time debating if I should buy a new guitar when I heard an all too familiar scoff. I was surprised when it wasn't for me.

"Babe listen, it's just for exposure." Kendall rolled his eyes as he held up his phone. "I swear."

Ducking behind a rack of drumsticks, I watched Kendall on Facetime. I couldn't see her but I could hear that Jo was pissed. This was different than their past conversations, Kendork was visibly annoyed. And instead of having hearts in his eyes there was anger.

"Watching them is like watching the sun, and the planets revolve around it. Always in sync." She quoted, her voice was strained. "What the fuck is that? Jett says she'll try to fuck you, she fucks everyone. He didn't even want to hook up in the bathroom that night, it was her. Apparently, she was begging for it."

My stomach was in knots. Is this really what Jett told people about that night? He could look someone in the eyes and lie straight to their face about what he did. The only begging I did that night was for him to stop. Kendall rolled his eyes at Jo's words.

"It's just an article for a magazine. Nothing will happen between us, we're just friends. That interview was done the day her video came out. Gustavo wanted us to play it up a bit more than usual." Kendall explained, he sounded annoyed with her. "As for Jett, I trust you around him, trust me around her."

"As you should, Jett's like a brother at this point. He's gross and a dick but we've never made out with each other. You and Elle looked like a bad _50 Shades of Grey_ knockoff. I saw the video, Kendall. You looked into it, everyone says it seemed like it was more than acting." Jo sounded uneasy and I wondered what she'd say if she knew Kendall and I made out a few weeks back. "It seemed like you wanted to kiss her and you're always flirting on stage."

Kendall shook his head and bit his lip. "Listen, I love you, not her."

The way he avoided her concern was obvious. "I love you too, but I'm just worried. She's trouble, I never liked her."

My teeth were gritted as Jo spoke, she had taken Jett's side after the incident even though he was a creep to her. If anything she should have been an ally. Jett had never assaulted her but he had boundary issues.

"What am I supposed to do? We have to flirt onstage, you pretend to date Jett on TV. It's no different."

"Stop being so touchy, it's hard to watch. It seems like you like her, I know you, Kendall."

He let out a long breath and smirked. "She's a bitch, trust me there's nothing to like. And even if I did the guys are all over her. Trust me there's nothing there. She means nothing to me."

Even though he had a girlfriend and we had our issues this still stung. I thought we had reached a point of understanding. But his voice was harsh as he reassured Jo.

"Fine, just tone it down. I have to get to set, love you."

"Love you too."

When they hung up I dashed to the back of the store, hearing how Jett lied about that night made me feel physically ill. My stomach churned in a familiar way. I sat at a piano and tried to catch my breath. I hated him and the power he had over me. When I went to therapy after the incident it had been suggested that I channeled all my pain into something productive. Naturally, it ended up being music. Something else I had to do in therapy was to write a letter to Jett and never send it, I had adapted it into lyrics. When things got to be too much they stopped the spinning in my head.

"This is a story that I have never told. I've got to get this off my chest to let it go. I have to take back the light inside that you stole. You're a criminal and you steal like you're a pro."

I sang quietly to myself, I had never played this outside of my apartment As I did I thought of Jett and his smug fucking face. For a long time I had been broken and sometimes I still was. He had taken so much from me that night and to know that he still lied about it made me angry. He had never been charged with anything and was still free to talk shit about me.

"All the pain and the truth, I wear like a battle wound. So ashamed, so confused, I was broken and bruised."

My fingers moved over the keys and I pushed down the memories of the aftermath. There had been bruises on my hips and face from him holding me in place. My body had broken a few months later too, it had been Jett's final hold on me. I didn't like to think about it though. My voice shook as I moved to the chorus.

"Now I'm a warrior, now I've got thicker skin."

The night he hurt me had been burned into my brain forever, despite the drugs. There was more to that night than I was willing to share with anyone. He had taken me to a hotel that night after the club. His disgusting behavior had continued there. As I laid there, I had vowed to myself I would never let myself be taken advantage of by anyone. Part of me had been sealed off and no one would get that close to me again.

"I'm stronger than I've ever been and my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in."

I played the rest of the song and tried to even out my breathing. I couldn't have a panic attack, especially so close to show time. There was something comforting about the song. Everything was in my control, the notes, the lyrics, my voice, it was all up to me. I wasn't powerless. When I reached the final line my stomach had settled and the overwhelming panic had dissipated.

"And you can never hurt me again."

The note lingered in the air. It was a slow clap that made me jump and brought me back to reality. When I turned Kendall was leaning against the doorframe. He looked impressed and nodded to the piano.

"That was good, doesn't sound like you though." He shook his head, "It's different."

I rolled my eyes. "Sorry, not everything is stupid a pop song. I am capable of writing something meaningful."

He held up his hands as he walked further into the room. "No, it's a good different. I liked it, it was really good."

My anger softened a bit, no one had ever heard it before so I was defensive. He didn't seem to be joking and he sat down next to me on the bench. My outburst seemed out of place and I cleared my throat.

"Thanks." I played with my fingers. "They'll never let it on an album though. It's too off-brand."

Kendall nodded like he understood."Gustavo's the same way. Is it new?"

"No." I shook my head and sighed. "I wrote it a while ago, it's just nice to come back to it when I get overwhelmed or upset."

He bit his lip. "What's wrong?"

There was no point in lying, he had probably seen me hiding. "Your phone call with Jo. Apparently, I'm just a bitch."

"Oh, that was just for her benefit. I'm sorry, we didn't get along at first but you're not a bitch." He said quickly, almost embarrassed. "She read the article, it was intense. I just wanted to calm her down. You're not a bitch."

"She's wrong by the way," I said quietly. "I wasn't all over Jett that night. That video isn't who I am."

Kendall agreed and rubbed his hands on his thighs. He looked up at me, his mouth quirked into a half smile. "So I'm learning. This is the real you, that song, right?"

The fact that he was taking the time to get to know me for himself and not from a video was touching. I laughed a little bit and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so."

His hand rested on mine and all I could focus on was the color of his eyes. They were bright green as he looked down at me and for once they weren't full of judgment. His voice was soft as he spoke.

"Well, I like the real you."

He leaned in, kissing me softly before stopping. He looked unsure. My hands shook as I brought them to his face, I kissed him back, letting myself fall into him. His arms wrapped around my waist and I could feel him smiling. It was gentle, sweet even. We separated and he brushed his thumb against my cheek. It felt right.

"That should have been our first kiss." He said shyly, leaning his forehead against mine. "Not because I was angry, or because of a game or a video. It should have been this."

His words had been a shock and I stared at him, wide-eyed and unblinking. He stared back and I waited for the punchline. But when one never came, my stomach twisted into knots once again. He smiled at me and squeezed my hand.

"Kendall-" I began uneasily, shifting away from him. "You're, this, no."

His smile fell and he rolled his eyes. His face went hard and he stood up, I couldn't tell who he was angry at, me or himself. He ran his hand through his hair and chuckled under his breath, clearly annoyed.

"Of fucking course." He muttered. "It's all a game to you."

This wasn't true, the kiss had felt right, natural. But this was Kendall we were talking about, this was a joke to _him_ , not to me. When I didn't say anything he scoffed and glared at me. I felt two inches tall and my face was hot. He stormed out of the shop and I frowned. The weight of his lips lingered on mine. I hated to admit it but I wanted to go after him. But I was frozen in my seat. Part of me wondered if we were always building to this moment. Because the words spilled out easily, honestly.

"It's not a game."

* * *

AN: Kendelle had their first real kiss (Shout out to Carkeys for reading my mind about the ship name)! That scene and the bit of the article were my favorite parts to write. I wanted to show Kendall and Elle's vulnerability and the tenderness of this kiss compared to the past ones. As for the article, I like writing about them from an outsider's perspective. Well, that's enough rambling. What was your favorite part? What are your thoughts on Kendelle growing closer?

Stay tuned next week for an explosive chapter where tempers flare and secrets are revealed.


	16. Chapter 16

AN: Hi! Thanks for reading and reviewing last time and welcome back. This is a longer chapter and we see some interesting confessions. I know I said this last time but this is my favorite chapter so far. I really hope you enjoy and I'll leave you to read and enjoy! Let me know what you thought.

* * *

Things had been uncomfortable after the first time Kendall kissed me in that dressing room. But at this point, we had unlocked a new level on the awkward scale. It had been three days since Nashville, we were in Atlanta now, and Kendall and I avoided each other like the plague. When we were onstage that first night we managed to smile but both of our faces were bright red by the end of it. Offstage, he seemed to be back to his old self, he made shitty comments left and right.

" _That's_ what you're wearing?" He asked as I walked to the front of the bus. "Wow."

I looked down at the shorts and tank top I had on. Self consciously, I folded my arms across my chest. "Yes, it's hot out. Do you have a problem with it?"

He looked me up and down and sneered. "I just thought you might want to try wearing clothes for once. Because that's not doing much to make people think you aren't a slut."

A frown pulled at my face. I couldn't even form words, as disgusting as it was, I was nervous around Kendall. I hated to admit it but I wanted him to like me. And to have him be so rude like he had been in the very beginning hurt.

"I-I like what I'm wearing and I don't see how it concerns you."

Kendall stood up, towering over me. It seemed so simple, all I had to do was reach up and kiss him. But I didn't. I stayed rooted to the ground. He looked down at me, his eyes settling on my mouth before sighing. The tension was painful. He reached up and tucked some hair behind my ear, his hand rested on my cheek.

"I just thought you'd want to try harder to not be the girl from that video." He said simply and then shrugged."I guess you can take the girl out of the bathroom but you can't take the bathroom out of the girl."

I blinked and swallowed the lump in my throat. "Screw you."

"No thanks. I doubt you use protection and I'd rather not get every disease in the book."

So yeah, things between Kendall and I weren't great. But maybe a bit selfishly, I was glad I wasn't the sole cause of his bad mood. I really hadn't been trying to eavesdrop but being on a tour bus made that hard. Two days had passed since our kiss. Kendall had been shitty but distance, always frowning at his phone. The guys were playing a video game in the back and I was on my laptop in the front. We were in Alabama and just finished up a show, it was the same as usual. So when I heard shouting I jumped.

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't memorize your shooting schedule so I could call you!" Kendall was shouting outside into his phone. "I have a schedule too you know!"

From where I was sitting I could see him. He was standing next to the bus and he ran a hand over his face, anger was clear on his face. Whoever he was talking to said the wrong thing because he stomped his foot.

"I didn't realize it was the Jo show and that my career wasn't important. You get like this every time you go shoot something, you turn in this arrogant person. I get that this film is important but so is this tour." He shook his head, his eyebrows pulled together. "For fuck's sake did I say it was your fault? Yes, you do get like this! Your head gets so big it overwhelms anything else that's going on."

The windows on the bus were tinted so he couldn't see me staring. He groaned at whatever Jo was saying and I was surprised. When they had said goodbye the first night of tour they seemed close. And whenever Kendall would visit the set when I was there with Jett they were almost nauseating. Jett and I used to joke about how we were much cooler than them. Hearing them fight, well half of their fight was new. I almost felt bad for Kendick as he frowned.

"I'm just saying maybe you need to come back down to earth with the rest of us. Take some time, film your movie and focus on yourself." He lit a cigarette as he spoke. "I'm not saying we break up but this is important to you I guess."

They weren't as tight-knit as I thought. The selfish part of me was relieved that this could have been some of the reason Kendall was in such a bad mood. Jo had been upset when the magazine article came out about us. Maybe this had been a long time coming.

"Fine! Whatever call it what you want. Honestly, I don't care."

With that, he shoved his phone into his pocket. I scrambled to look casual and I shoved my headphones back in so it wasn't as obvious that I witnessed everything. He stormed onto the bus when and I caught his eye he sneered.

"Can I help you?"

He didn't wait for an answer and stomped to the bunks, sliding the door behind him.

That had been last night. And when you combined whatever was happening between him and Jo with our kiss, things were strained. We were tense and we were both rude to each other. But Kendall had found a new level to sink to. Each comment was cruel and yet he'd let his eyes wander over me. When I walked past in the narrow hallway next to the bunks he let his hand smack my ass. It was flirty at first but now it felt embarrassing. I wanted him to like me, this back and forth deal was too much. I had been dealing with a knot in the pit of my stomach for days, worried about when he'd be an asshole next. But right now, that knot was for a different reason.

"Dude you're totally going to get nominated, why wouldn't you?" Logan patted my shoulder. "Breathe, Elle."

"I know, I'm just nervous. The last time I was up for an award was for my last album before Jett." I admitted, shifting my weight anxiously. "I know the tour is going well but what if it's not good enough?"

Today marked the start of the summer awards season. There were three big award shows over the next few weeks. First was the Golden Star Awards which were in Orlando, then three weeks later was the Young Hollywood Awards in New York and then there were the Tween Choice Awards in LA at the end of the summer. The Tween Choice Awards were the biggest award show for artists like Big Time Rush and myself. But right now, I chewed on my thumbnail as we waited for the Golden Star nominations to come out. This was a smaller, but still important show. The announcer was finishing up the actor nominations.

"And finally, Jett Stetson is nominated for Best Male Actor for Chasing Chances."

Seeing Jett's face did nothing to help my mood. He had started filming this movie shortly before he attacked me. I had helped him with his lines for his audition. James squeezed my shoulder and gave a supportive smile. The announcer read the nominations for the bands. Big Time Rush was nominated for Best Group and Best Group Single.

"Congrats you guys." I said after they finished cheering. "I'm not surprised though."

"Thanks, we won't be surprised when you're nominated you deserve this." Carlos pointed to the laptop. "Seriously you've worked so hard."

I was too nervous to say anything as more nominations came out. We watched for a while and when I saw my face I screamed.

"Elle Harper is nominated for Best Music Video. She's also nominated for Song of the Summer for Night Like This featuring Kendall Knight."

The guys cheered loudly and all patted me on the back. I was pulled into a group hug and I couldn't help it when I started crying. There had been a point when I thought I'd never be nominated or make another song again. But here I was up for two awards and back on tour with a popular video. Tears leaked down my face and I sniffed a few times.

"We told you!" James gushed, hugging me tightly. "Congratulations."

"I'm proud of you."

"Me too, seriously you deserve this," Logan said, high fiving me. "Not that I'm surprised."

I was a mess of tears and smudged makeup as I shook my head. "Thank you, guys."

"Those better be happy tears I see," Liz said, climbing onto the bus.

"T-They are." I croaked. "Two nominations."

She brightened and pulled me into a hug. "I knew you could do it!"

"Thanks for not ditching me after everything." My words were genuine as I spoke. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"I'd never ditch you. I'm proud of you." She rubbed my back. "There's a nightclub across the street. We'll celebrate tonight with champagne and bottle service!"

"I can't think of a better way to celebrate."

We had a soundcheck to get to so Liz herded the guys off of the bus. I lingered, wanting to compose myself and clean up a little. When I came out of the bathroom I was startled to see Kendall leaning against the counter.

"Hey," I said quietly.

"Hey." He echoed, running a hand through his hair. "Congratulations."

"Thanks. I mean you helped write the song."

He scoffed at this. "Hardly, it was mostly you."

"Well, thank you, Kendall." I cleared my throat, feeling awkward.

Unsure, he took a step towards me. We shook hands and I could feel his shaking, we stared at each other and I wasn't sure if he wanted to kiss me or insult me.

"If I didn't think this was one of your slutty games I'd kiss you." He sounded a little bitter as he spoke. "But oh well."

And just like that, the moment was ruined. "You started it. You treated me like shit so I fought back."

He rolled his eyes. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Whatever you say, Kendick. The game may be over but at least you gave me something to sing about."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

As I walked past him, I tried to keep my tone light. "You'll just have to wait and see."

* * *

"Again I just want to tell you that you're the best fans in the world." I said later that night on stage. "I think a new song is the best way to show you how grateful I am. How does that sound Atlanta?"

The crowd cheered and I smiled. The concert was going well and I was in a great mood despite Kendick. I looked over to the side of the stage where he was waiting to come out to sing. He huffed when I gave him a small wave.

"I don't have a title for it yet, but let's just say someone gave me something to sing about." I winked at Kendall who shook his head at me. "I hope you like it."

The drums and guitars kicked in and I moved to the music.

"I've got a lot to say to you. Yeah, I've got a lot to say." I sang, glancing at the side of the stage. "I notice your eyes are always glued to me, keeping them here it makes no sense at all. They scribbled out the truth with their lies, the little spies."

Kendall was never shy about letting his eyes wander and at first, it hadn't made sense. He hated me, or so I thought. And unfortunately, his perception of me had been warped by the video of me and what the media said. But despite all that he got under my skin. I made a point to look at him during the next line.

"Crush, crush, crush."

I whispered into the mic, grinding against it. He bit his lip and I watched as he folded his arms. He was clearly agitated and it served him right. I could hardly keep the smirk off my face as I reached the next verse.

"If you wanna play it like a game, come on, come on let's play. 'Cause I'd rather waste my life pretending than have to forget you for one whole minute."

As much as I hated to admit it, I had developed feelings for Kendall. The way he looked at me made my stomach turn over. And even though it started as a game I didn't want to play anymore. But if that's what he wanted so be it. His face was stony and James said something to him. He scowled and James chuckled, apparently, I struck a nerve.

My favorite part of the song was coming up. I turned so I was facing Kendall and not the crowd. I nodded to him as I danced to the music. There was always this tension between us, whenever we were alone it felt like we would burst into flames at any second. Ever since that night in my hotel room, but especially since the video shoot, part of me hoped to be alone with him.

"Rock and roll baby, don't you know that we're all alone now? I need something to sing about. Rock and roll honey, don't you know baby, we're all alone now? Give me something to sing about."

I pointed to myself and rocked my hips back and forth. Kendall was clenching and unclenching his fists and I recognized the look on his face. His green eyes burned with a mix of anger and lust. The same way they did the first time we kissed. The song built to a crescendo and I jumped around the stage. The song was full of anger and energy and it felt good.

"Crush, crush, crush." My voice was breathy. "I guess I'm dreaming again, let's be more than this."

The fans seemed to like the song because their response was overwhelming. I couldn't keep the grin off my face even when Kendall came out to perform with me.

"What did you think of my new song Kendall?" I asked smirking a bit.

He had a fake smile plastered on his face. "Well, I think the fans liked it."

We performed well, hitting all the usual cues and interacting every so often. But he didn't flirt with me, his eyes barely lingered and when he thought I wasn't looking I saw that he was glaring at me. Thank god looks couldn't kill.

"My friends and I will see you in a bit." Kendall promised as he gave a wave. "Thank you, Atlanta!"

He rushed off stage after that and he disappeared, he didn't stick around to watch my set. Honestly, I was fine with that. Having his eyes on me made me nervous. It wasn't until Big Time Rush's set was about to start did he reappear. When he saw me his face was taken over by a scowl.

"I don't have a crush on you, I'm not 12."

Putting on my best nonchalant face, I shrugged. "Who said it was about you Kendork?"

"You made it pretty fucking obvious. But anyway, you're not the only person who has something to sing about."

He looked pleased with himself and smiled the way someone did when they had a secret. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I just think you should stick around for our set instead of going to your dressing room." He leaned down and he overwhelmed me, his voice buzzed in my ear. "You won't want to miss this."

"The suspense will surely kill me." I deadpanned, folding my arms. "But it won't be as good as my song, but you can try Kendick."

He didn't respond to that, instead, he gave me a wink before walking onto the stage. Even though I had put on a calm face in front of him, I was nervous. Gustavo had recently let each of the guys debut a solo song, it was good for publicity and they each wanted to explore different sounds. Logan and Carlos had performed a few weeks ago, James was still working on his. It was Kendall's turn. I had changed into a new outfit and lingered by the side of the stage just like he had asked. The show was going well, everyone was enthusiastic and the guys' vocals were strong, there was no sign of something suspicious until Kendall spoke.

"How's everyone feeling tonight?" The crowd cheered in response. "That's good to hear Atlanta. Now as you know we're working on our new album which means we're exploring lots of ideas. Gustavo has graciously let us each take a crack at performing solo songs. Tonight's my turn, how does that sound?"

The other three guys were hanging out on the stools that had been brought out during Worldwide. I tried to gesture to them to see if they knew what was coming but they didn't see me. But Kendall did, his smile was wide and smug.

"This one's called One Track Mind."

It was about me. Not that I was surprised but I didn't expect Kendall to be so on the nose about it. I had told him he had a one track mind time and time again. The song had an electric sound to it and Kendall launched into it with gusto.

"Everything that you do sounds like records on repeat and I try but I can't feel a vibe. I don't want that."

So far, it wasn't awful. I bobbed my head along as he sang about breaking all the rules. As he reached the chorus and he looked over at me, he looked cocky.

"You ask me why I think you're always wrong, why we don't get along and why I like that song." His grin grew wider. "Cause I've got a one track mind, yeah I have a one track mind."

My heart was in my throat and I felt an embarrassed flush creep up my cheeks. It was obviously about me, I had asked him all of those questions. He danced along to the music which was full of guitars and synth, he seemed a little too happy.

"When you speak it's like notes out of key, I give up trying to see what you're saying to me. And you'd think it'd be nice if I took your advice I don't want that." He moved to the beat of drums and nodded at me. "Say your piece, make your case and get out of my face. I don't care what you say."

Again, he was just repeating things we had said to each other. It wasn't the most original songwriting method but I admit to admit it was good. The fans were into it, but not as much as he was because he still smirked. He went back to the chorus and laughed a bit as he sang. He was full of attitude and bravado and I got the sense he had been working on this for a while.

The music slowed a bit as it reached the height of the song. Kendall let his gaze fall on me, a mischievous smile played at his face. He was proud of himself and he thrust his hips the same way he had on the set of my video and in my hotel room. He looked at me like we were the only two people in the entire stadium.

"Cause I want that yeah, I want that yeah. Because I want that yeah." His wink made my stomach twist into knots and his whole energy was sexual. "Cause I want that, cause I want that, yeah."

Somewhere between my embarrassment and anger, it occured to me that, he was saying what he had said to me in my hotel room back in Texas. I had asked if he wanted to fuck me if he wanted that. Now here we were weeks later and he was telling me again. Green eyes wandered over my body, leaving me feeling exposed. The song reached its peak and he belted out the last chorus.

"Yeah, I've got a one-track mind." He sighed into the microphone and before the music stopped. "That was fun, wasn't it guys?"

The arena was a cacophony of cheers and screaming, this only added to Kendall's smug attitude. He winked at me and I gave him the finger in return.

"I'm going to kill him," I told Liz as she handed me my microphone. "What an asshole."

"You probably should wait until you get off the stage."

"Yeah, we'll see," I grumbled before walking onto the stage.

I squinted for a moment letting my eyes adjust to the light. I waved at the crowd and hugged the guys as they greeted me. Kendall gestured to me and smiled.

"Look who it is everyone. Elle, what did you think of my song?" He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head.

The scoff I gave was unavoidable. "It wasn't as good as mine, who was it about?"

At the sound of his nickname, he glared. "Like you don't know. Who was your song about?"

Before I could speak, James cut in and steered the conversation towards our performance. It was tense and uncomfortable, Kendall was red in the face and clearly upset. When he came near me I elbowed him in the ribs.

"Oops," I said sarcastically. "My bad Kendork."

The audience laughed at my nickname and Kendall was clearly embarrassed. He scowled and brushed past me. We went into our performance of I Know You Know. I danced with the guys trying not to feel how Kendall focused on me.

"It's no lie, it's the truth." I gave James my best smile. "Just want to say I have a big time crush on you."

James draped an arm over my shoulder, he wasn't expecting that. I hadn't been flirty onstage with the guys for a few days but he was more than happy to oblige. When I caught Kendall's eye his face was twisted into a grimace, but it wasn't me he glared at. It was James.

Was he jealous? This was an unexpected development, Kendall was cranky in the past but always at me. I tested my theory as we sang Count On You. Logan and Carlos received lots of grins and winks and Kendall stared them down. When I hugged them as I left the stage I made a point to ignore Kendall. His face fell and he ran a hand through his hair. Once I was out of the fans' sight I gave him a small wave. He could claim what he wanted but the song was obviously about me.

The rest of Big Time Rush's set seemed to go well. Or at least, it sounded that way from my dressing room. I wasn't in the mood to stick around. Kendall had left me in a bad mood. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the constant mood swings but I was exhausted. Just when I thought we had understood each other, maybe even cared for each other, he ruined it. It wasn't one thing it was the way they had piled up. It was the small digs, snarky comments and smug assumptions he made. So when there was a knock at my door, I was irritated.

"What?" I snapped.

"Whoa, sorry." Carlos walked in. "You okay?"

I ducked my head. "Sorry, Los. It's been a bad day."

"Kendall?"

"As always," I said dryly.

He sat on the edge of the couch. "What happened between you guys anyway. Is it the game?"

"It was a game but then things got confusing. I think things went too far and now I don't know where we stand." I vented, it felt good to get it off my chest. "I know he's your friend but he's a dick. I mean, you guys see how he acts like we're friends and then insults me right? He fucking hates me."

Carlos nodded and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, we told him to chill but you know how he is. It's not right, he's been an ass since day one. But for what it's worth he doesn't hate you, Elle. Ignore him, come out with us tonight. The club is across the street and we're all going. It could be fun."

I weighed my options. I could pout all night and feel sorry for myself, or I could enjoy the night with my other tour mates. The choice was easy, especially when Carlos gave me an anxious smile.

"Fine." I chuckled. "But you're buying me a drink."

He gave me a high five. "Of course. It's going to be a great night, you'll see."

* * *

Just as Liz promised, the champagne flowed in excess and bottle service was delivered to us. Out of habit, I refused to put down my cup until it was empty. But our security stayed close by so I tried to lighten up a bit. After all, this was a celebration. I had been nominated for two awards and so had the guys. The cherry on top was the fact that once our albums were released we could be nominated for Album of the Year. Between the good news and the alcohol, I felt loose and invincible.

"Elle, come on we have to do shots!" James guided me to our table. "The hangover is going to suck tomorrow but it's a party!"

I giggled as I sat between Carlos and James, my dress rode up my thighs. I thought I saw Kendick's eyes roam but it was too dark to tell. We clinked glasses and downed our shots, the fire burned its way down into my belly. The bass was loud and pounded in my ears. Logan refilled our glasses and stood up and shouted over the music.

"To Elle and to us, let this be the first of many nominations!" He slurred a bit, we had pregamed on the ride over. "Let's get shitfaced!"

"Shitfaced!" We cheered before drinking.

"I want to dance, come with me." I insisted as I grabbed Carlos by the hand. "You guys too."

James and Logan seemed down for this because they followed me out onto the floor. For awhile we danced together, moving to the music and continuing to drink. I was buzzed enough that I felt good but not vulnerable. It had been ages since the last time I went out. Dancing with the guys felt save. Even though I was pressed against Logan and let his hands find my waist, or let Carlos hold me close, I knew I wasn't in danger. It was a welcome change.

"You look lonely," I shouted at James. "Come m'ere."

He flashed me a wolfish grin before taking my hand. My fingers tucked into his hair and our foreheads pressed together and James' hands strayed. He pressed his lips to my ear a few moments later.

"Don't look now but Kendall's pissed."

I glanced over my shoulder to see Kendall gripping his beer and scowling. If he kept it up his face would be stuck like that. I rolled my eyes and turned back to James.

"When isn't he pissed?" I asked, laughing a bit. "He'll probably call me a whore later. Fuck him."

James shook his head. He said something that I didn't quite catch but I let it go. Eventually, Logan and Carlos both found girls to dance with and at my prompting James went to talk to the brunette he had been eyeing all night.

"You sure?" Tequila wafted from his breath. "I don't wanna leave you alone."

I patted his face. "I'm a big girl James."

"Just shout if you need me." He kissed my cheek before dashing off.

It was hot on the dance floor so I pushed my way through the crowd to the bar. Kendall was leaning against the counter a few feet down. He took a shot and snorted at the pink drink I had in my hand. He spoke to the bartender and a shot appeared in front of me. He held his up in a silent cheer, we both drank and he ordered another round. Clearly, this was a competition. I drank again and sent Kendall a shot, when he coughed after drinking it I smirked. He wasn't as badass as he thought he was.

"What's your name?"

I turned to see a tall blonde grinning at me. I grinned back at him, tossing my hair over my shoulder.

"Elle." I held out my hand.

He shook it and kept hold of it. "Liam, do you want to dance?"

"After you." I gestured and looked back at Kendall. His eyes were narrowed and he stared daggers at Liam.

Liam took me to the edge of the dance floor. He turned me around so my back was against him, one hand held me tight and the other trailed up my leg. I gave Kendall a small wave and he rolled his eyes.

"You're hot."

I turned and looked him over. "You're not so bad yourself."

We danced and let the music take over our bodies. Liam's hands weren't shy and they explored my chest and ass and after a while, I turned and put my arms around his neck. He certainly wasn't ugly but he had blue eyes instead of green and where a sugar skull tattoo should have been it was just skin. His eyebrows weren't as bushy and his hair wasn't the same sandy shade of blonde. When he pulled me into a hug there was no mint, smoke or soap, just heavy cologne.

"How about we get out of here?" He asked over the music. "Somewhere private."

Nerves filled my stomach and I chuckled. "Oh yeah?"

He pressed his lips to my neck and groped me. "Mmmhmm."

Our flirting came easy and we were both laughing with each other. Liam was trying to get me to come back to his place, I was actually considering it. I was just about to explain how I had to get on the tour bus when he stumbled backward. Kendall was fuming, smoke was practically coming from his ears.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Liam asked. "Babe you know this guy?"

Kendall sneered at him. "She does, bye"

He took this as a sign and wandered off, his eyes following a skinny blonde. Kendall dragged me through the crowd towards our booth. I pulled away from him and hit him on the shoulder.

"What the fuck Kendick!" I shouted, slurring a bit. "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

His face was flushed and he was clearly a bit drunk too. "Stop that."

"Stop what, you dragged me away. Seriously Kendork, what's your damage?"

"My name is Kendall. Not Kendork, not Kendick, _Kendall_!"

My laugh was instant. "That's what you're pissed about? _My_ name isn't slut or bitch or Eleawhore."

"Well, you are a bitch so it fits."

I shook my head, the alcohol had gone to my head and I was the cliche, emotional, drunk girl. "You're so mean to me! Why the fuck did you pull me away from him? To yell at me?"

The music was loud and our bodies buzzed with the vibrations from the bass. "No, he was looking at you. What's with you and blonde guys anyway? There's Jett and that guy you were just with. "

"He can look at me if he wants." I threw my hands up in frustration. "Also, why do _you_ care who _I_ like? Can I not like blonde guys if they aren't you?"

Kendall ran a hand over his jaw. "He looked at you like you were a pair of tits."

I scoffed, indignant at the situation. "And you don't? You literally judge me because of a video."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you fucking do," I yelled. "Well only sometimes because you have mood swings every two minutes."

He crossed his arms. "Do not. It's just annoying to see you hang all over every guy you meet. And I don't have mood swings."

"You called me a slut and then kissed me. You act like I'm trash and then you check me out." I jabbed a finger into his chest. "And then you kissed me in the music store and now you're dragging me away from guys, being an asshole."

Kendall shifted a bit. "You're being dramatic."

We were both really drunk because tears pooled in my eyes. "I'm tired of the back and forth. Some days it seems you like me and others it's like you hate me. It's exhausting and I'm s-so tired, Kendall."

My tears seemed to surprise him. "Shit Len."

"It's true." I croaked out. "You treat me like complete shit. What gives?"

Even in the flashing lights of the club, I saw how he looked conflicted. "I-I can't have you like me."

"Why not?" I asked, my voice was high and strained. " I'd rather have you like me or hate me. I'm tired of this in-between, it's giving me whiplash."

He laced his fingers behind his head and groaned. "Len, c'mon, it's not like that."

Anger burned in my veins, he wasn't going to get out this so easily. I was tired of the games and the bullshit, all I wanted was a straight answer. I shoved him and gripped his shirt, my voice was a bit hoarse. My eyes were still filled with tears, it was liquid courage that propelled me.

"How the hell can you say that? You call me _awful_ names, slut shame me and belittle me. And at the same time you kiss me, flirt with me, hell you even wrote a song about me."

He looked away and sighed. "No I didn't."

"You're a liar. In San Fransisco I asked why you liked a song, when we fought I asked why we don't get along. One day I told you that you had a one track mind, which happens to be the title of your song."

"You're drunk and have no idea what you're talking about." He hissed, prying my hand from his collar. "Just shut the fuck up. You don't get it."

My laugh was cold and humorless. "That night in my hotel room, I asked if you wanted to fuck me. You said 'I want that yeah'. Just like your stupid fucking song."

He was pissed and rubbed his fists into his eyes. "Please stop talking."

"How come? Because you know it's true? Seriously what gives?" I shouted at the top of my voice. "Stop being an ass and just be honest with me."

It seemed like he deflated a bit, his shoulders slumped and he frowned. "Y-You can't like me."

"W-Why?" I wiped at my face as hot tears finally overflowed. "Would it be so bad if we got along? You're pretty great when you're not being a dick all the time."

The air in the club was stifling, between all the bodies and the alcohol the atmosphere was electric. My heart pounded in time with the music that was starting to deafen us both. Kendall's hands were balled into fists and the anger rolled off of him in waves. He didn't say anything but in the flashing lights of the club, I watched several emotions play across his face. I was properly crying now. Weeks of us fighting and his mood swings had finally taken a toll on me, and I was drunk which only heightened things.

"Why do you hate me?" I asked meekly. "Just tell me why we can't get along?"

It was like a switch flipped. He tipped his head and yelled out of frustration, tugging at his hair.

"Because it would make what I feel for you even worse!" He finally admitted, screaming in my face. "Because I think I like you more than I should. I think I have from the start."

My mouth fell open and I shook my head, I didn't know what to do other than laugh. It came out low and full of disbelief, I took a step back and held my hands up.

"You're not funny." I was shaking. "That's not fucking funny. Y-you don't like me."

"Maybe at first, I didn't. And yeah, maybe you piss me off sometimes." He began, his eyes were sad but the ghost of a smile brightened his face. "But you're funny and talented. You're confident and don't give a shit about what other people think of you. A-And I feel something when I see you that I don't understand."

I felt like a deer in headlights as I stared at him. My eyes were wide and my mouth was dry, part of me wanted to see if there were hidden cameras. But the way he covered his face and rocked on his feet told me this wasn't a prank. He took a step towards me, his fingers brushed against mine. We held our breath as the throng of people danced around us, oblivious to our private revelations.

"And you're confusing." His other hand reached up to wipe my cheek. "And you're pretty and I want this."

Without thinking, my hand held the back of his neck and brought his face down to mine. Our lips pressed together and his arms wrapped around my waist. It wasn't angry or forced, it was warm and time stopped. The music faded, the bass stopped pounding in our ears. He tasted like whiskey and shitty cigarettes and it was intoxicating. But then, I turned my head and the world came rushing back into focus.

"Len, I'm sorry I said all those things." His voice was pleading, dripping with apologies. "I never should have said anything. I'm a fucking idiot."

"You are an idiot," I replied and his face fell. "You made me feel like I was nothing."

Kendall let go of me and hung his head. "I'm sorry, g-god just forget it."

"But I-I want this too." I admitted and I wasn't sure if it was to myself or to him. "I feel something too."

He studied my expression, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Cautiously he closed the gap and held my face.

"Len?"

I was quiet for a moment, thinking of our duet, the game we played, the music shop. I thought of the way my stomach twisted when he stared at me, how his hands were hot on my skin, his smile. Part of me had known for a long time but I was finally ready to accept it.

"I want this too." I said quietly. "You, I want you."

His eyes crinkled around the corners as he gave me a nervous smile. He was shaking as his lips found mine for a moment before he took my hand. We pushed through the crowd and out the doors, the air was cool compared to our hot skin. Everything felt rushed and frantic as we ran across the street to where the bus still sat at the venue. His hands were sweaty as he punched in the code to open the door. We tripped up the stairs and were both breathless.

"Back room?" I asked, looking around the empty bus. "It locks."

This was good enough for him because he kissed me and stumbled backward. We laughed to ourselves as we kicked off our shoes and made our way into the lounge. My hands twisted his shirt, wanting to take it off.

"You really want this?" He asked it was almost shy. "Me?"

"Yes." My answer was instant.

Kendall unzipped my dress and let his fingers trail down my spine, making me shiver. Both his hands gripped my ass and he pulled me into him. I peeled off his shirt and he pushed my dress down my shoulders and I stepped out of it. Kendall raised his eyebrows and his eyes raked over my chest, down my body and back up. He had done this hundred of times before, but this time it wasn't malicious. He undid his belt and I tugged his pants down his legs.

"Do you really think I'm pretty?"

He laughed at this and sat me on his lap. "You're beautiful."

My cheeks warmed and he ran a hand across my back. From where I sat I could feel his dick press against my thigh, unlike the night in my hotel, it wasn't a shock. His tongue explored my mouth and I wrapped my arms around and his neck played with his hair. I rocked my body against his and our kiss deepened, my heart pounded in my ears.

"I've wanted this for so long." He said between kisses to my neck. "Can I take this off?"

"Y-Yeah." My stomach was in knots and my hand found his crotch. "I've wanted this too but I didn't want to admit it."

He smirked to himself as he took off my bra, he groped at my chest. "You ever think about me?"

"Sometimes. Did you think of me?"

He let out a low groan when I pumped my hand. "A-All the time."

Kendall left a trail of kisses down my neck and stomach and his hand wandered up my thigh. I drew in a sharp breath and rocked my hips. My fingertips skimmed across his skin, across his tattoos and up to his face. It felt so right but then somewhere in my drunken brain, a thought occured. I broke our kiss and sighed.

"What about Jo?" As much as I wanted to be with Kendall I wouldn't let him cheat on her. But I didn't want him to know I overheard anything. "You're dating, right?"

"I don't know." He frowned and cleared his throat. "We're on a break I think, she wants to focus on the movie."

"I'm sorry." I brushed my thumb across his cheek.

"It's okay." He reached up to grab my hand. "I think it's a sign that I needed what was in front of me."

His words were honest I was enticed by his eyes and his smile. His admission eased the guilt I felt so I kissed him. It was gentle, soft. Kendall took a hold of my hips and pulled me back onto his lap. He still strained against his boxers and it jabbed me in the thigh.

"Let's just do it, it's been building to this Elle." He said quietly. "I want to be with you."

My heart was in my throat and I ducked my head. "Kendall."

"Hmm?" He had his face in my neck, leaving small bites.

I hated how my hands shook and the panic that set in. "I haven't had sex since Jett."

He blinked hard, clearly surprised. "Really?"

"Y-Yeah. And I like you and I want this. But I-I'm not ready." I said quickly, avoiding his eyes. "I'm sorry."

I heard him sigh and when he tightened his hold on me I felt sick. I waited for him to turn angry, for him to take what he wanted. But instead, he guided my face so I was looking at him.

"That's fine. We're drunk and you don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"Really?" My voice was soft.

He laughed a bit. "I want this, I want you but I can wait."

My anxiety eased and I kissed him. "Thank you."

"I know we're not gonna fuck but how about some pictures?" He held up his phone. "Something to look at later?"

The last I had been intimate had been against my will and filmed without my knowledge. But not this time, this time I was in control. I nodded and let him take a few pictures of me, each one more liberating than the last. Kendall grinned to himself and his eyes were hooded. Eventually, I took the phone from his hand.

"How about I give you something to remember later?" I breathed into his ear.

He gave me a shaky nod and he dug his nails into the couch as I got down in front of him. Before I could do anything he stopped me.

"I'm sorry for everything, Len. I just wanted to say that before you do this." He flashed those green eyes at and squeezed my shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you." I freed him and took him into my hand. I couldn't help but smirk. "I'm sure you'll find a way to make it up to me."

He gripped a handful of my hair and gave a throaty laugh. "Absolutely. After all, I gotta give you something to sing about."

From where I rested on my knees, I leaned up to kiss him. After that he guided my head to his lap, sighing a bit. My heart was pounding in my chest and he gripped my shoulder.

"Fuck, Elle." He groaned.

It was reckless and fun and it would be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. And for once, I was okay with that.

* * *

AN: Look who finally admitted their feelings for each other! #Kendelle is finally honest with each other, what do you think will happening in the morning. I really enjoyed this chapter. And I hope you did too. Also, I hope you guy see that I explained what's happening with Jo. Stay tuned next week for the fallout of Kendall and Elle's actions. See you next week and thanks for reading. Let me know what you thought!


	17. Chapter 17

AN: Happy Wednesday Rushers! 15 minutes to Thursday still counts right? As always I'm humbled by your feedback. Thank you so much! This chapter picks up the morning after 16. Kendelle talks about their feelings. This is on the lighter side. I hope you enjoy! We're coming up on my favorite bit of the story soon. Thanks again guys and please let me know what you think!

* * *

I hadn't even opened my eyes yet but it was already too bright. My mouth was drier than the Sahara and my eyes felt gritty. This was the worse hangover I had in months. The only thing that kept me from falling back asleep was how thirsty I was. I groaned as I tried to sit up. It was an arm around my waist that stopped me. When I opened one eye it almost fell out of my skull. Kendall was shirtless and underneath me.

"What the hell?" I muttered. "Wake up."

I looked down and saw I was in his shirt, my underwear was tossed on the floor. The night before came rushing back. I remembered Kendall and I screaming at each other, us admitting our feelings and things getting hot and heavy. Thankfully, there was no telltale soreness between my legs.

"Morning." He groaned looking around blearily. "What do you remember?"

I swiveled around and saw Kendall rubbing his eyes. He had hickeys all down his neck and was just in his boxers.

"We were wasted, we fought and you told me you had feelings for me."

He flushed at this. "Then we came back here?"

"You said you were an asshole to distract me from your giant fucking boner."

He rolled his eyes and ducked his head. "Shut up."

"You're right I bet it's not even that big."

He feigned annoyance but his voice was teasing. "I don't remember it seeming small to you last night when you were on your knees."

Suddenly an image of me blowing Kendall popped into my head. "Oh god."

"I could always show you again." He said smugly.

"I thought you were being a dick to compensate for not having one." I smacked his shoulder. "Clearly I was wrong."

He hummed at this. "Clearly. But I am sorry for being so awful to you."

"Can we have this conversation after I drink a gallon of water?"

He was already tugging on his jeans. "Fine by me."

Before this morning I didn't know I could have a walk of shame on a tour bus. But as Kendall and I stumbled down the tiny hall with the bunks and out to the kitchen I definitely felt it. We tripped over our shoes, his belt, and my purse. When we stepped into the kitchen the guys gave low whistles.

"So you finally fucked?" Logan joked.

"It's about time, you owe me twenty bucks, James."

I was too busy downing a bottle of water but Kendall clucked his tongue at this.

"What do you mean finally?"

James pointed at the two of us, amused. "It was obvious you liked each other from like day three. It was only a matter of time."

"And when we saw you two basically dry humping at the club we knew one of you cracked. Then we came back here an hour later to your shoes in a pile and the back door locked." Carlos explained, wrinkling his nose. "And Kendall isn't exactly quiet."

"Shut up," I muttered I was sure I was blushing a bit. "It's not that obvious."

Kendall leaned into my ear. "You're covered in hickeys and in my shirt it's obvious."

I peered into the reflection of the toaster and saw that my neck was littered with dark marks and purple spots. They matched the ones on my legs. A fuzzy image of Kendall's head between my thighs rushed back. My makeup was smudgy and I looked a bit like death. The remains of last night's lipstick had smeared making me look like the Joker. Some of it was on Kendall's neck.

"I need to shower and then I need an IV full of coffee." I winced at my pounding head. "And something for my headache."

Kendall said something about joining me under his breath as I walked past him. It was jarring and I almost expected him to make a joke about the Jett incident. But he just gave me a half grin and his eyes were soft. I bumped into the door and blushed furiously.

"If you two are going to be hooking up you can't fuck in the shower or while we're on the bus," James demanded as I shut the door behind me. "The bus is a sacred place. Is this really happening?"

Over the spray of the water, I heard Kendall chuckle. "I guess so, it feels good, right."

I couldn't hear anything after that, the water was too loud. The steam seemed to ease my hangover but the water did little to wash away the night before. I looked down and had been surprised to see hickeys dappling my skin. They were on my breasts, my stomach, the inside of my thighs. It was a sight I hadn't seen in such a long time. Last time it was bruising on my hips from where I had been held down and scratches on my face from him trying to silence me. But last night had been all chemistry and desire. It was a welcome change and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

Kendall liked me, and I liked him. After all, this time of hating each other and egging each other on, things had worked out. It was still so new and I felt like it was all some dream I would wake up from. Last night was a little hazy but the way I had felt was not. We had finally admitted it to ourselves and to each other and the world was still turning.

"So where are we today?" I asked after I had dressed and sat in the kitchen. "I fell asleep in Atlanta."

"We're going to be in New Orleans in a few hours," Logan reported, looking at his watch. "Kelly emailed a schedule. It's a light day, Gustavo wants to focus on recording."

I sipped my coffee. "Sounds like a plan."

Carlos couldn't contain himself. "So you and Kendall?"

"Yeah." I smiled into my mug. "I'm surprised too."

" _We're_ not surprised. Honestly, you guys have enough tension to power a small city." James nodded to the shower where Kendall was. "He'd try and bitch about you but he'd end up flustered. And I don't know if you noticed but he stares."

"I'd have to be blind to not see it. I still don't know when it happened, our game was just a way to get him to stop being a dick. But I think during our video and then the way he defended me I realized he wasn't a complete asshole."

Logan looked up from his phone and shrugged. "I think he got jealous after our makeout party. He was pouting like a kid when you were onstage the next day."

"I was not jealous." We turned to see Kendall rubbing a towel through his hair.

"Oh no, you were just sulking every time we talked to her." Carlos tossed him the bottle of aspirin. "Totally not jealous."

He spoke around a mouthful of coffee. "Len, was I jealous?"

"It was kind of cute?" I offered as I let him sit next to me. "But it's not a coincidence that they call it a green-eyed monster."

Our friends all shrieked with laughter at this while Kendall scowled. He slumped in his seat and squeezed my thigh.

"I hate all of you."

I rested my chin on his shoulder. "Sure you do."

Begrudgingly he groaned and brushed his lips against mine. "Fine, maybe not all of you."

* * *

After we choked down enough breakfast to soak up our hangovers the five of us moved over to the studio bus. Gustavo wanted the guys to pick up the pace for their album. They had been recording for a few hours and wrapped up their second song of the day. I had four songs completely done and recorded was trying to write a fifth and sixth. As agreed in our contract Gustavo would write two songs for me later in the summer. My goal for today was to write one song and record another. Apparently, Liz thought it would be a good idea to premiere the new songs next week at a Fourth of July festival we were playing at. I had only come up with a few lines for my newest song.

"Alright let's take it from the top." Gustavo hit a button on the control panel. "And one, two, three."

The music started and the guys moved along to it. Apparently, the song was about falling for someone who played hard to get. Kendall seemed to find this funny because he nodded at me as he sang.

"You'll never see her break a sweat because she knows she's hard to get."

The small wink he gave me went unnoticed by everyone else but it sent the blood rushing to my face. We may have admitted how we felt for each other but having him act on it was new. I slid down the couch and went back to trying to write. I jotted down a few lyrics as they came to me. Part of me wanted it to be about Kendall, but I didn't want to make it too obvious. Even though our game was over and we both seemed to win, I wanted people to focus on my music. I worked diligently as they recorded, glancing up at Kendall every so often.

"Elle, do you want to hop in the booth?" Gustavo asked a bit later. "I want to get a rough track of the vocals down before we get to the city."

I closed my notebook and made my way to the booth. As I passed Kendall he rested his hand on my lower back sending electricity down my spine. Once inside I slipped on the headphones, the instrumental track Gustavo and I worked on came through. It was partially about the game Kendall and I had played. We had been in the thick of it when I wrote the song.

"So he wants to play a game? Well, he'll have to wait and see because I won't taste defeat." I tested the lyrics out and bobbed my head. Beyond the microphone and the panel separating us Kendall crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Leave him at the door so he'll be wanting more."

The corner of his mouth quirked up into a half smile and he winked at me. I rolled my eyes at him and gave him a tiny wave as I sang. His friends were too busy on their phones to see our exchange but Liz looked from Kendall to me and cocked her head. I pretended not to notice the way she mouthed 'What the hell?' at me. Surely she had seen the hickeys and pieced everything together.

"I'm gonna leave him wanting more, more, more."

It didn't take long to finish the main vocals for the song. We finished a bulk of it just as we got to the city and I was relieved. Another song was done and I was one step closer to finishing my album. We piled off the bus to head into the venue. Liz caught me by the arm and we stayed back until it was just the two of us.

"So what happened between you and Kendall?" She pointed to my neck. "The makeup artist has her work cut out for her tonight."

I played with my fingers and avoided her eye. "He likes me, I like him."

"Obviously." She tutted but then lowered her voice. "Are you okay? Was he too much?"

She didn't have to say Jett's name for me to understand her. She was asking if I had been taken advantage of, it was touching and I appreciated her concern.

"We didn't sleep together. I'm not ready for that. But yeah, I'm okay."

This assuaged her fears because she scoffed. "It's about time anyway. I'm happy for you."

"I don't know how serious it is but for now it's good," I told her as we stepped off the bus. "It's better than fighting."

"And better for me, I don't have to keep you from tearing his head off."

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "I live only to serve you. So I'm glad I could make your job easier."

Liz disappeared through the door and I jumped when I felt a hand on my arm. When I turned I was face to face with Kendall.

"Hi." His voice was warm.

"Hi." I echoed.

He leaned down and kissed me, sliding his hands down my back. "I like the song."

"Thank you." I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I like yours."

Kendall looked around to check that we were alone. "So we're in New Orleans."

"So we are." We walked hand in hand to a shady corner of the parking lot.

He stood in front of me so I was hidden from anyone's view. "Are you going to flash me for some beads?"

"Kendall!" I smacked his arm and giggled.

"What, it's the tradition. When in Rome."

"We're not in Rome Kendork. Besides it's nothing you haven't seen before."

He shrugged and trailed his hand up under my shirt. "It's something I wouldn't mind seeing again."

I peeked over his shoulder and was satisfied that no one could see us. "You're ridiculous."

"Just a peek?" He leaned down to kiss my neck. "I'll show you mine."

I pulled my shirt up, flashing him my chest for just a moment. Kendall nodded appreciatively and pulled his shirt up too. I shoved him, snickering a bit.

"Did you like what you see?"

He held the door open for me. "Very much so. You?"

I glanced over my shoulder. "Between your hairy chest and beads? I would rather have taken the beads."

He grumbled at this. "You're lucky you're cute."

My fingers ruffled his hair. "I know."

* * *

The article we had done for Rolling Stone said Kendall and I were in sync. That our chemistry was enough to set the arena on fire. That had been before we admitted our feelings for each other. Now that it was out in the open I was surprised the arena hadn't spontaneously combusted and turned into a smoldering crater in the ground. He walked out with a spring in his step and his hug lingered for an extra moment.

"New Orleans. How are we feeling tonight?" He shouted. "How great is Elle?"

They all cheered and applauded. It was a stark contrast to how things had been in the beginning. Just a few weeks ago Liz and Gustavo had to literally script what we said to each other. It seemed like a lifetime ago as our song started. Kendall and I danced around the stage and when we flirted it wasn't to win a round of a game. His smiles were genuine and I wasn't trying to elbow him in the ribs.

"Oh whoa, oh." I clapped to the beat. "New Orleans let me hear you!"

"Oh whoa, oh." They sang back at us.

On the jumbo screen above our heads, Kendall and I were making out in the back of the cab. Now that we had done it for real, it was easy to see why the fans thought it was more than just acting. It had been real, every moment of it. He seemed to be thinking the same thing because when we reached the end he turned red, a smile twitched at the corners of his mouth.

"I could almost feel the weight of her kiss on my lips." His voice was low.

"Anything could happen on a night like this." My fingers brushed against the hickeys that were covered by makeup. "On a night like this."

Kendall thanked the fans and gave me a side hug, his hand reached down to smack me. I jumped a bit and he huffed out a laugh.

"Thanks, Kendall."

He walked back to the side of the stage and stayed for the rest of my set. When I danced and rolled around the stage I caught his eye. He ran his hand over his face and wore a small smirk. Without thinking I gave him a wink and bit my lip.

"We're all alone now." I changed the words to the song I premiered last night. My face matched his. "And you gave me something to sing about."

The rest of my opening set went well. The fans were energetic as always and I thanked them several times for sticking by me, nominating me and supporting the music I was putting out.

"It's been fun New Orleans! I'll see you soon!" I waved and took a bow. "Make sure you're just as loud for my friends Big Time Rush!"

With that, I ran backstage. The crew and Liz congratulated me on another show well done. I took a towel and wiped my face and made my way to the craft table.

"I gave you something to sing about?"

Kendall walked up to me and handed me a bottle of water. I shook my head and pointed down to my inner thighs and then my neck.

"You can't see it under the makeup but I definitely wasn't quiet last night. You try explaining that to the makeup artist while she puts concealer on your thighs."

"What can I say I had to show you how sorry I was. I figured that was the best way." He shrugged, faking a pout. "But if you don't like that I could stop. But like you said, you weren't quiet."

I swatted him on the shoulder. "Let's not be too drastic, it is a fan favorite after all."

He tugged at the tee shirt he was wearing. He had hickeys of his own and a few scratches on his shoulder. "I could tell, I couldn't wear a tank tonight because someone had to get handsy."

I sipped my water and hummed. "I wonder who."

"Dogs! Showtime!" Gustavo shouted from his control panel.

Kendall sighed. "Duty calls."

"Break a leg.

He fixed his snapback and squeezed my hand. "Thanks."

Unsurprisingly, the guys' performance was amazing. I was still entertained every night by them and I sang all the words to their songs. Part of me wondered if things were so entertaining because of the blonde running around onstage. I still wasn't sure if last night was a one-time thing but his glances told me it wasn't. I had changed into a fresh outfit and hit my cue to come out.

"It's all about you, no lie it's the truth." I pulled Kendall's hat off and placed in on my head. "Just wanted to say I have a big time crush on you."

Luckily for Kendall, his face was already flushed from the heat but I knew him well enough to notice his cheeks darken. His friends did too because Logan jokingly shoved him and laughed loudly. We sang _Count On You_ and I made sure to smile at the other guys to maintain appearances. Kendall did his part by not hugging me for a beat too long.

After the show, we had a small meeting while the stage was being packed away.

"The five of you are putting on great shows. Tickets are selling out quickly, pre-orders for your albums are doubling every day." Gustavo began, holding up the latest numbers. "And the albums are coming along. Dogs, you're about halfway done."

Liz cut in. "Elle you are too, so we're not worried about it. Like Gustavo said you're doing a fantastic job. We need to keep that fire going."

"Which is why the next few weeks are so important for us," Kelly explained, looking at her iPad. "Next week, as you know, is the Fourth of July festival in Florida. Each of you will be performing a new song. We're there a total of three days, one regular show, the festival which happens earlier in the day and then the awards in Orlando. And then, of course, there's the Young Hollywood Awards in New York. That's an important day too. So keep the energy up and stay rested."

Hearing our schedule for the next few weeks stressed me out but excited me. Being able to do what I loved meant the world. But like I said it was really fucking stressful so as soon as our meeting wrapped I went out for a smoke. Kendall was close behind and held the door open for me. We leaned against the bus savoring each puff.

"You excited for the festival?" He asked. "We played it last year, there are private pools for the bands and it's a giant party."

"The Fourth of July is my favorite holiday so I'm always down. And the fact that there's a pool makes it a hundred times better."

Kendall agreed and flicked some ash. "The fans seem to like us."

"I know the comments on my video are wild."

"I wonder what'd they do if they knew were actually into each other."

He grabbed my hand and I sighed. I knew I had to ask sooner rather than later. "What's going on with Jo?"

"Jo?" He questioned, he seemed like he hadn't been expecting that.

I looked for the right words. "Are you together? I don't want to be that girl who breaks up a couple."

He let out a mouthful of smoke and leaned his head on the bus. "Honestly? I don't know, we haven't talked that much and she seems really focused on her movie. She gets like this and it always turns into a break. We argued the other day and haven't talked since I don't know though."

"I see." My heart sank a bit.

"But this time feels different and I like you." He looked around as if Jo was going to pop out. "And frankly, I don't give a shit. She's been on my ass about everything. Don't worry about her, let me deal with that."

This made me feel a bit better and if I was being truthful, part of me didn't give a shit either. "So we're cool? I just wasn't sure after last night."

Kendall laughed quietly. "More than cool."

I nodded, shifting my weight. The awkwardness had lifted. "Good."

Kendall tossed the glowing bud that remained and moved to stand in front of me. Then, he reached up and plucked my cigarette from my mouth. He stubbed it out under his shoe and he looked back up at me. He pressed me against the bus and kissed me gently. My head tilted and he held onto my waist.

"Last night was good, I liked it. And I want it to happen again if that's cool."

"More than cool." I echoed, laughing like he did.

Kendall went back to kissing me, our tongues met and I held fistfuls of his hair. We were in our own world, surrounded by the warm air and taste of nicotine. Neither of us noticed the clearing of a throat right away.

"Yo, lovebirds!"

I shot out of my skin and Kendall jerked. We looked over to see James peeking around the corner of the bus. I couldn't tell if he was amused or annoyed.

"The rest of us would like to leave if that's okay with you." He said sarcastically. "We've been trying to get your attention for five minutes."

Kendall gave him the finger. "We're coming, quit complaining."

"We're going to have to buy a hose or something." He grumbled as he walked off.

"Drama queen." I snickered.

Kendall waved my comment off and went back to kissing me. I felt his hand reach up my shirt and to my chest. We stayed this way for a moment before I pulled away.

"I don't think he was joking about getting a hose. We should go."

He rolled his eyes but draped his arm over my shoulder. "They better get used to it, we have the rest of the summer."

My face broke into a grin as I leaned into him. "I wouldn't want it any other way."

* * *

AN: Kendelle is officially together, kind of? I thought this chapter was really fun and I hope you did too! My favorite part was probably the scene where the guys talk about how obvious it was or the end scene. What was yours? Next week's chapter is fun and a bit different. I hope you stay tuned. Thanks for reading and let me know what you thought. See you soon!


	18. Chapter 18

AN: Happy Wednesday! Thanks for the feedback on the last chapter, I'm grateful. I enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope you enjoy reading it. This update follows the gang on the 4th of July. It's sweet and we see Elle's history. We're coming up on my favorite part of this fic. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

* * *

The Sunshine State had been good to us so far. Last night we had been in Jacksonville for a concert, we were in Miami for today's festival, and then it was back on the bus for the four-hour drive up to Orlando for tomorrow's awards. I didn't mind being so busy though, when I had been in hiding after the Jett incident I wished I had something to do. And being at the beach didn't hurt either. Especially with Kendall by my side. It had been about a week since we fooled around. We still hadn't had sex and he was fine with this, I was grateful.

"You know I think all concerts should be on the beach," Carlos said as we lounged on towels in the sand. "Seriously we should negotiate it in our contract."

James propped himself up on his elbows. "Agreed, this is the life."

"Gustavo hates the beach, why do you think he's in the pool?" Logan pointed out and jerked his thumb towards our cabana. "He'd never go for it."

I threw my sunglasses at him. "Don't be a buzzkill, Loge. Besides, we'd miss huge chunks of the country, not to mention the world. And everything's going to be underwater in a few years once the ice caps melt."

Kendall was laying on his stomach and rested his chin on my leg. "Now who's the buzzkill?"

"That was practical, not a buzzkill." I yawned and stretched out in the sun. "Anyways, we'd always have sand in our hair. That sounds awful."

No one responded but Kendall traced circles on my skin. The sun was warm and I was comfortable enough to doze off a bit. Sadly, Liz's voice jolted me awake.

"I hate to break up the party but you all have a performance and interview with MTV in 20 minutes."

All of us groaned and brushed the sand off our bodies. The way the day was going to work was that we would give a small performance and interview and then a few hours later we'd play the mainstage. But then we were free. I was looking forward to premiering my new songs and it was my favorite day of the year. So I couldn't find anything to be upset about.

"I resent the fact I have to start getting ready a whole 10 minutes before you guys," I said a few moments later as I slouched in the makeup chair. "Seriously if I were a dude it would be so much faster to get ready."

"You look a hundred times better than we do though. Logan's already sunburned."

I craned my neck and snickered at Logan who was pink. "You'd never last in Arizona."

"And you'd freeze to death in Minnesota." His tone was grouchy and he winced as he rubbed sunscreen on his cheeks.

"That's fine by me, I happen to like winter. I never get to experience it." I hopped out of the chair and looked at my phone. "See, all you guys had to do was change and brush your hair. I had to get my whole face done and my hair."

James looked up from the mirror. "We can't all be perfect like I am."

"That was so funny I forgot to laugh," I said dryly as I stepped out from where I had been changing. "Let's do this."

Kelly herded us to the smaller stage we would be playing. Although, calling it the smaller stage was a bit of a lie. The crowd was the size of a small theatre. For once, the guys went first. They performed there first new single _Live It Up_ which was a party song. Carlos took the lead for most of it and I was proud of him. They launched into _Hard To Get_ and played it up for the cameras which were filming the whole day.

Kendall stood as the edge of the stage to reach out to the fans. He had a large smile plastered on his face when he nodded at me. "You'll never see her break a sweat because she knows she's hard to get."

The fans seemed to like both songs and I was happy for them. They had been working really hard to win over a mature audience and it seemed to be working. There wasn't much time to congratulate them because I had to go out. But Kendall caught me as I passed.

"Good luck."

I glanced over my shoulder and gave him a wave as I walked out. The crowd was energized and I saw a few signs with my name on them which made my heart warm. This job never got old and neither did the rush I felt when getting ready to perform a new song. But first, I sang Party in the USA which was an old classic. It had always been well received and I was proud of that. But I was even more excited to perform my new song. It may as well been named after Kendall. The references were plain as day. The only people who had heard it so far were Gustavo and Liz.

"Never said yes to the right guy and when it comes to you I'm never good enough. When I don't care I can play them like a Ken doll." I saw Kendall shake his head, the whole point was that it sounded like his name. "You make me so nervous that I just can't hold your hand."

The song had an acoustic guitar in it that I really liked. So I danced a bit and looked out at the crowd, my smile was wide everything felt perfect. The fans swayed their arms to the beat as I belted the chorus. The next line was probably my favorite. I angled myself so I was looking at Kendall and his friends.

"I never break a sweat for the other guys. But when it comes to you I get paralyzed."

Something I had always loved was dropping hints in my songs. 'Never break a sweat' was a line in their new song and when I sang 'paralyzed' I used the same melody as their song with the same name. They all noticed and shoved Kendall teasingly, he covered his face with his hand and his smile was warm. I held out a long note in the bridge of the song and the fans cheered. But there was a whoop from the side of the stage. When I looked over Kendall was clapping and I laughed a bit. I circled back to the last chorus. It was just me and the guitar, it was the best part. Kendall was at the side of the stage and gave me a thumbs up.

"You make me glow but I cover up and won't let it show." My face was warm and a blushed crept into my cheeks "I'm putting my defenses up, I don't want to fall in love. If I ever did that I think I'd have a heart attack."

I took my bow and ran off the stage so the next person could perform. BTR, Liz and other artists all congratulated me as I unhooked my inner ear piece.

"Guess who put out another hit?" Gustavo asked sarcastically. "Not that I'm surprised."

"You helped produce it, some of the credits yours." I was still a bit starstruck to be working with Gustavo. "But only some."

He snorted at this. "Dogs, you and Elle have interviews. Don't be late."

The festival had an interview area set up for us near a pool. We all settled on stools and I fanned myself as we sat in the sun. The first two interviews were short and sweet for a local radio station and a magazine. The MTV one was most important as it would give us the most exposure. The interview was cheerful as she spoke into the camera.

"I'm Abbey Terrell and you're watching MTV. I'm coming to you live from the Fourth of July Festival in Miami and I'm joined by none other than Elle Harper and Big Time Rush! Happy Fourth everyone. How are you guys today?"

"Hey, same to you." I greeted. "I'm great it's my favorite holiday."

"Thanks for having us."

Abbey asked us the standard questions about how the tour was going so far and how our albums were coming along. At this point, I could answer those questions in my sleep. My excitement peaked when she asked the guys about their new song. Talking about new music was one of the best parts of an interview.

"We're not quite sure if _Never Break a Sweat_ is going to be a single," Logan answered a bit later. "But the fans seemed to like it so far. We do want to release the second one soon."

She turned to me. "Speaking of never breaking a sweat, I'm obsessed with the new song Elle."

"Thanks so much."

"The fans on Twitter and I noticed some references to your tourmates." She started, looking at her notes. "You said 'Never break a sweat for the right guy' and then you said you were paralyzed. It sounded really similar to the BTR song of the same name _._ Are those references Big Time Rush related?"

I shrugged coolly. "Maybe."

This intrigued her because she leaned forward. "Are you playing hard to get with one of the Big Time Rush guys?"

A small laugh came from me and I turned to smile at them. Kendall avoided my eye but bit back a smile of his own. "Never they're all too sweet."

"Guys, is she playing hard to get?"

James smirked at this. "I'm not the person to ask."

"Yeah, some things are better left unsaid." Logan agreed. "But Elle's great."

I put my hand over my heart. "See, all too sweet."

"You know everyone's talking about the _Rolling Stone_ article that came out recently." She pointed to Kendall and I. "You two seem to be best friends. How did that come about?"

There were butterflies in my stomach. "Uh, it just kind of happened. We worked on the duet together and have a lot in common. But I'm friends with all of these dorks."

"E-Elle just kind of swooped in and changed everything." Kendall scratched his eyebrow and he seemed to go a bit red. He stammered a little and chuckled. "She's, uh, incredible to tour with. I'm glad we met."

Now I wondered if _my_ cheeks were pink. "In fact, I'm going to see if I can join Big Time Rush. Make us a five-piece band."

Everyone laughed at this and I gave Kendall a private smile. It went unseen by Abbey who was asking Carlos about directing the next video BTR would put out. Soon, she pulled out a small bowl full of paper.

"We're going to play a quick game called Five Fast Facts. It's simple you take five slips of paper and answer the questions." She shook the bowl. "Your fans will find out something they may not have known about you. Who wants to go first?"

Logan volunteered and rattled off his answers. His favorite movie, favorite food and so on. Carlos followed and I learned that his pet peeve was slow drivers. James went next and he explained several facts about himself.

"If I could have any superpower?" He thought about this for a moment. "Teleportation. Being on a tour bus or plane for too long makes me claustrophobic. Is that five facts?"

"Yep!" She held the bowl out to me. "Elle, do you want to take a crack at it?"

"Let's do it." I reached into the bowl. "What's my middle name? Uh, it's Cameron, Eleanor Cameron Harper."

Abbey handed me the second slip. "Number two."

I read the slip and I found myself stammering over the answer. "Uh, my favorite color's green."

When I said this my eyes drifted to Kendall and we shared a smile. Somewhere between wearing his sweatshirt and having his eyes always on me, my green had become my favorite. I shook my head and plucked another strip from the bowl. I laughed at this one.

"What was my first song about? It was about this boy in my middle school science class. It was probably terrible. I like to think my songwriting has improved quite a bit."

"Two more questions."

The next question made me think a bit. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Hopefully, I'll be happy, healthy and making music. I think that after the past year or so I've grown a lot and I want to continue that."

When I unfolded the last strip of paper I looked over at the guys. "What are my summer essentials? That's easy a cute boy and my new album."

Kendall shifted in his seat when I gave the band a wink. Abbey laughed at this and agreed, wholeheartedly. I put the papers back in the bowl and passed it down to Kendall. He answered his favorite band which was Taking Back Sunday, how he'd be playing hockey if he weren't in a band and his favorite time of day which was the middle of the night. And he agreed with James how teleportation would be the best power. He rubbed his hands together.

"Last one, let's make it a good one." He pulled a slip out and smirked when he read it. "Look at that."

Abbey prompted him along. "Don't leave us in suspense."

He leaned forward in his seat and ran a hand through his hair. "What do I look for in a girl?"

"That is a good one."

Kendall rested his chin in his hand in thought and chuckled. "I would say, someone feisty, who's not afraid to stand up for herself and someone who knows how to keep my attention.

As he said this I pretended not to feel his eyes on me. Abbey took the slips of papers back and wrapped up the interview.

"That was Five Fast Facts with Big Time Rush and Elle Harper. Make sure you tune in when these guys play the main stage here in Miami!"

After the camera stopped rolling we all crowded around to take a selfie. She thanked us and she and her crew packed up. The guys all started to go their separate ways, I stopped them.

"Not so fast. We haven't taken a picture in a while." I herded them into the frame and snapped a quick picture. "That's better."

We had some time to kill until our show and I planned on spending it in the pool. I went to go change when I was stopped, I turned and Kendall was holding onto my arm.

"Not so fast." He pulled me into him and took a picture of us. "The last picture I shared of you was of you on my lap."

"That's not a bad picture." I mused, bumping my shoulder against his as we walked. "Certainly not a bad time either."

He shook his head. "No, but I like this picture too. It might not make the fans go crazy but you look nice in it."

* * *

When I had first met Kendall he had been wrong about a lot of things. Who I was, who I wasn't and what I was actually like. He had obviously learned he was wrong about me. But he was wrong about one thing. The picture we took definitely made the fans go crazy. The five of us had all taken pictures throughout the day and posted them. I personally had shared the group picture but Kendall shared our selfie and the group one. The fans had noticed.

"You know just when I think I know who I ship this happens. Can Elle, Logan and Kendall just date each other?" Carlos was in the shade and reading comments from Instagram. "This one says, 'if they could stop looking good together that'd be great.' I'm personally offended that I'm not included in the three of you dating."

"At least you aren't lumped into a threesome." Logan pointed out. "No offense Elle, Kendall's a brother."

"None taken." I said lazily.

James was nearly asleep but laughed, "Don't knock it until you try it, Loge."

I opened one eye from where I was floating in the pool. "And Kendall said the fans wouldn't go crazy."

"Fine, I was wrong." He admitted. "But we do look good together."

"For once you're right."

There were a few hours until showtime and I was taking full advantage of our private pool. The festival's music was still in earshot but we were completely alone. I was relaxed and stretched out on a floating chair. James was working on his tan, Logan was avoiding the sun and Kendall sat at the edge of the pool. Having so much downtime on tour was rare, but definitely welcomed. From behind my sunglasses, I was free to stare at Kendall. He was in swim trunks and his skin had picked up a little color. A collection of tattoos were on his arms and shoulders. He was growing out a bit of scruff and the sun had lightened his hair. Now that we weren't mortal enemies I was able to see just how attractive he was. I steered myself towards him.

"Get in with me."

"The water's cold." He shook his head. "I'm fine."

I shook my head. "The water's not cold, you're from Minnesota."

"And? That doesn't mean I like being cold."

My lip stuck out in a pout. "Fine but will you at least be a gentleman and get me a drink?"

Kendall sighed but rooted around the cooler anyways, when he came back he leaned down. "Anything else?"

I reached up and took the water from him. I kept a hold of his hand and chuckled a bit, he shook his head at me.

"Don't you dare."

"Don't what?" I asked innocently. "I'm just holding your hand."

"You know what, you were going to pull me in."

Scowling, I dropped his hand. "Fine, you win. Will you at least come here?"

I waved him towards me and pursed my lips for a kiss. He rolled his eyes but indulged me anyway, he leaned down just enough so I could kiss him. Our lips brushed together and I pulled on his arm. He went tumbling down into the pool, splashing as he went. When he surfaced he spit out a mouthful of water. His friends and I were all laughing loudly.

"Elle!"

I perched my sunglasses on my head. "What, you looked hot."

He pushed his damp and now darkened hair from his eyes. He waded towards me and tipped me over, my body sliding off the float I was on. I shrieked at the cold water and shook out my hair.

"You looked hot." He mocked and shrugged his shoulders.

"Asshole," I muttered. "It's cold."

He held out his arms and I shivered a bit. He ran his hands over my arms and down to hold onto my hips, I pressed my body against him, trying to get warm. He leaned down to my ear.

"You do always look hot though. I vote you wear a bikini the rest of tour."

I splashed him. "You wish."

"Yeah, I actually do."

I wrapped my arms around him and we drifted to the edge of the pool. He had one arm on either side of me, pinning me against the wall. He leaned down to kiss me and I reached up, letting my fingers tuck into his wet hair. We were lost in our own world for a bit. The sun felt warm on my shoulders and his wet hands slipped over my skin. I could have stayed like this forever but soon my fingers were wrinkled and I had goosebumps all over my body.

"Where are you going?" Kendall frowned as I pushed myself out of the pool.

"I'm cold, unlike you, I'm not used to it."

The bus' heat was almost stifling but it felt good on my chilled skin. I had rinsed the chlorine off my body and changed into dry clothes. I was applying sunscreen when the door opened. A dryer looking, Kendall, stopped near the small booth in the kitchen area.

"There you are."

I looked over my shoulder. "Hey. I decided to shower here. It was much closer."

"You changed." He nodded to my shorts and crop top. "It's not the bikini but I don't mind."

"We can't always get what we want Kendork." I snorted as I rubbed the lotion on my arms.

He shook his head and changed the subject. "I didn't know your middle name was Cameron."

"Ugh, that was on purpose. It's not a bad name on its own, but I'm not a huge fan of my whole name."

"I think it's nice, I like it." Kendall took the bottle of sunscreen from my hands and rubbed it in where I couldn't reach. "Eleanor Cameron Harper."

He said it slowly, testing out each syllable. "It makes me sound like a grandma."

"Whatever."

"What are you even here for? Did you come all this way to talk about my middle name?"

He laughed and held up the bottle. "Logan's paranoid about getting even more sunburned. I needed some."

"Of course, you do. Have you seen how pale you are?"

Kendall scoffed and feigned outrage. "Rude. Why do you even need it?"

"Because I'm only half black and I don't want wrinkles when I'm older," I explained as I finished rubbing it in. "I already have a grandma middle name. I can't have wrinkles early in life."

He stepped closer to me and held my hips. "Well, you look pretty good to me."

"Oh yeah?"

"Definitely." His forehead was pressed to mine. "It may not be the bikini but this works."

"I didn't know you liked feisty girls," I said quietly, referring to his interview.

Kendall gave a half shrug. "What can I say? A certain one is growing on me."

I closed the gap between us, letting my lips brush against his. He kissed me back, his tongue exploring my mouth. My heart was pounding in my chest when his fingers trailed down my stomach to the button of my shorts. We still hadn't hooked up, part of me wanted to, but not here. His hand moved down to my ass, the other held my neck. I pulled him in closer, his body trapping me against the counter. Just like he had that one night early in the tour. But this time there wasn't lingering tension, it was just sound of his breathing and my pulse humming in my ears. I let out a small laugh when he lifted me onto the counter, I wrapped my legs around his waist and held him against me. I wasted no time and pulled his shirt over his head. My lips found the spot on his neck that made him groan.

"Shit, Elle." His voice was low in his throat. "You're going to drive me crazy."

"That's the plan."

He groped at my chest before sliding his hand into my shorts. I let out a small sigh and my head fell back against the cabinet, he was smug at the sounds he got from me. All too soon, he was holding my face with both hands. He strained against his pants and my hand reached down to find him. It was thrilling and exciting. It felt like second nature. We were so in tune with each other, so when my phone rang we jumped.

"Ignore it." He mumbled against my lips.

I turned my head and sucked in a breath. "That's Liz's ringtone."

He was kissing up and down my neck. "Doesn't matter."

My eyes were shut and I gave into it. But then it rang again, I groaned and fumbled for it.

"H-Hello?"

"If I interrupted you two fucking I don't want to know. But you have a soundcheck that started five minutes ago."

Kendall was still kissing me and I sighed. "Fine, see you in a second."

"No. I told you to ignore it." He sounded petulant. "Soundcheck?"

"Yeah." I jumped down from the counter. "Not that I'm going to be able to concentrate."

He gestured down to the obvious bulge in his pants. "At least you can be subtle."

I reached up to kiss him. "Poor you."

"We'll pick this up later." He promised as he tugged on his shirt.

"We will?"

"Damn straight."

* * *

Our soundcheck seemed unnecessary. Since we were at a festival our setlist for the main stage was significantly shorter, half of what we normally did. But that may have been my hormones talking. The looks Kendall and I gave each other were loaded, we were both eager to finish what we had started. But unfortunately, there was no time. Because of the holiday, a firework show was planned for later in the evening. This meant all the artists for the main stage had to perform before it got dark. Big Time Rush and I were towards the end. The schedule was tight so there was no time for us to sneak off.

It wasn't all bad though. Last week, Liz had made the executive decision that I should debut another new song during the festival. So I found myself onstage sharing my newest work. So far it seemed to be going well. It was slower, more introspective than the song I sang earlier.

"I'm back in my hotel and I'm alone inside. And you know the truth hurts but secrets kill."

I held onto the mic stand with both hands so I could steady myself. I had been inspired by Jett's Snapchat rant about me a few weeks back. Something about his smug face and all his friends insulting me and them turning my song off got under my skin. The song was about him, them and our past. It was about the girl Jett cheated on me with. How he was a flaky boyfriend towards the end. How he lied to me and everyone around him about what happened that night in the bathroom and beyond. He made it look so easy. He'd flash a cocky smile or make a joke and everyone would be mesmerized by it. The truth about what happen hurt but not being able to tell anyone was infinitely worse.

"You and all your friends all hate me. Thinking that you're better when I'm not around." My hands shook and my throat was tight. "Hear me on the radio and turn it down."

The song had a reverb effect that made my voice sound like an echo. I was grateful because it hid the way it wavered. After he had hurt me I had felt empty, for months it felt like I had been hollowed out. Even now, our awkward run in the first night of the tour, his texts about my song and his social media rants brought everything up to the surface. I had been in a dark place and it felt like I was just finally starting to be whole again. I knew it was from the therapy and being back on the road. But as I looked over to the side of the stage I wondered if part of it had to do with the blonde hair and green eyes that had taken up my attention.

"I hope hopeless changes over time."

The fans cheered, this crowd was triple the size of the earlier one. My face warmed and I blinked a few times, they were part of it too. If it hadn't been for the support they had given me when I had been hiding I may not have found the courage to be on stage right now.

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

After my emotional pause, things picked back up. The rest of the set went well, albeit rushed. When Kendall and I sang _Night Like This_ there was no time for flirting our private moments. The same went for Big Time Rush's set. Kendall didn't seem to mind this though because soon we found ourselves sprawled out in the grass on a blanket just a half hour later. The sun had set and the concert had ended, now it was time to enjoy the night. The guys had set themselves up with beers in the pool back at our cabana. But Kendall had taken me by the hand to the grassy area where others were waiting for the show. My head rested on his shoulder as we laid side by side. We weren't talking about anything too important and it was nice just to be with him. There was no need to worry about fans or press here in the dark.

"It'd be cool if every show was like tonight. It was a little short but the downtime is nice." He said staring straight up. "And most shows don't end with us being able to hang out like this."

We may have been on the beach but we were far enough from the main city that the sky was clear.

"That's one of the only things I miss about Arizona. You can drive 10 minutes outside the city and be able to see the stars. Way more than you can see in California."

"It's the same in Minnesota. Maybe not in the city but just a few miles out and it's completely different." Kendall explained gesturing to the sky above us. "Too many lights in LA. It's called light pollution for a reason. My mom used to drive Katie and me out to the woods during the summer to camp and I got really into space."

I hummed in response. "Astronaut Kendall."

"No way, too much math. I always wanted to be a center for the Minnesota Wild." He put an arm around me. "What about you? Did you always want to sing?"

I laughed a little and leaned in closer. "I wanted to be a teacher as a kid. Probably English or something."

"I've been finding out all your secrets today. Haven't I?"

"Only the easy ones." I joked even though my stomach twisted. "There's a lot of levels left to unlock Kendork."

He shoved me at the sound of his nickname, but even in the dark, I could see him smiling. "Why is today your favorite holiday? It seems random. Or have I not reached that level yet?"

"It's the last time I remember my parents being happy." I said simply.

"Oh shit. I'm sorry we don't have to talk about it."

There were worse secrets to tell so I simply shrugged. "It's okay. Uh, I think I was five, maybe six. My dad loaded me and my mom in the car and drove out to the desert. There was some Fourth of July firework show going on. My mom packed us this picnic. I remember playing with those sparkler things and my parents laughing." A small smile pulled at my face. "We watched the fireworks and I laid on their laps and I just felt so safe and happy. Like nothing could go wrong if things stayed like that."

"What happened next?"

"Everything went to shit." I chuckled dryly. "My dad apparently was a heavy drinker. And he cared more about that than us so he left me and my mom that fall. For a while it was fine, she was just sad. But it kept getting worse and I was left on my own while she was at work. She was never angry but she couldn't take care of me and my school got worried. I got stuck in foster care by the time the next Fourth of July came around. Ever since then I've tried to feel the same way I did when I was a kid. It reminds me of how happy things were."

Kendall was quiet as he laid next to me. I cringed, I had only told the full story to a few people and each time was awkward. I was about to apologize for saying too much when he rolled onto his side.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly. "I didn't mean to bring it up."

"It's okay." I shrugged one shoulder. "Trust me that's one of my least tragic backstories. If anything I'm glad it happened, otherwise, I'd be stuck in fucking Arizona."

He didn't seem to be expecting that because his mouth twitched with a smile. "What's wrong with Arizona?"

"It's hot, it's dry and it's boring. I spent most of my childhood trying to get out of there. I hate the heat it reminds me of my stupid foster families. And then I ended up in LA which is also hot."

"I'm from Shakopee, it's this place outside of Minneapolis." He explained, shaking his head. "It's small and cold as hell during the winter. LA's great and if I ever miss the cold I can just go to the ice rink. All the memories are there but there aren't sidewalks to shovel."

I had been laying on my back this whole time so I shifted to my side too. We were inches apart and I propped my head up on my fist.

"See, I'd love to see enough snow to shovel. I've only seen glimpses of it on tours and stuff. Most of the time I'm in the southern hemisphere to tour when it's summer down there. I always miss winter."

Kendall found this amusing. "You aren't missing much. It's cold and it's wet."

"I don't know. In Christmas movies you always see them ice skating, it looks fun."

"Well, maybe one day I'll teach you." He reached up to brush my hair behind my ear.

My answer was noncommittal. "We can't make any promises now can we?"

"I guess not but being here with you feels right." He reached out to brush his thumb over my cheek. "I'm into you."

We both let out a breath. Kendall leaned in to kiss me, his mouth was soft against mine. His small amount of stubble rubbed against my cheek but I didn't mind. My hand rested on the side of his face and he pulled me into him. I could smell the sunscreen on his skin and hear the ocean in the distance. Above us, the firework display began. I could hear them explode and crackle. If someone wanted to bottle up the feeling of summer this would be it. It was carefree, lingering and made it feel like anything was possible as long as I had this.

"I'm into you too," I said quietly.

We rolled onto our backs, staring up at the sky. His hand reached down to grab mine and he held onto it tightly, like he was trying to hold onto this moment. The fireworks bathed us in different colors. Red to blue to green. We laid there side by side, the rest of the summer stretched out in front of us.

* * *

AN: I know I say this every chapter but this was one of my faves. I liked to show Kendelle in a relaxed setting. My favorite parts were the interview, the makeout scene on the bus and the final kiss at the end. I really like writing soft, romantic stuff. What was your favorite part? Elle's backstory was fun to write too. The next update takes BTR and Elle to the first award show of the summer. It will be an important chapter so stay tuned. As always, thanks for the support and let me know what your favorite part was. See you next week, Rushers!


	19. Chapter 19

AN: Happy Wednesday Rushers. Thank you for the feedback last time. I appreciate it as always. I'll keep this note short. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. Elle and BTR go to an award show where old faces pop up and something BIG happens. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Thanks for reading let me know what you thought. Thanks!

* * *

Kendall and I may not have gotten along in the beginning. He may have been presumptuous and judgemental. But now he was charming and endearing. He was also a man of his word. This was clear when he grabbed me by the wrist and steered me towards a tucked away bathroom after my rehearsal.

"Kendall, what is wrong with you?" I questioned as he locked the door behind him.

He didn't bother responding because he grabbed my waist and kissed me. I scoffed but kissed him back, opening my mouth for him. He groaned and walked me back towards the counter.

"I told you we'd finish what we started yesterday." He muttered against my lips. "Is this not okay? I just figured no one will look for us in the bathroom but I know that vid-"

His concern was sweet but he was talking too much. "Shut up."

"You don't have to tell me twice."

The air in Orlando was oppressive, the humidity hung heavily in the air. Everything felt charged with electricity and the heat drew Kendall and me to each other. All morning during our interviews and rehearsal for tonight's show the tension threatened to bubble over. I wanted his hands on me and to have him as close as possible. My hands slid under his shirt, I scratched at his back. He drew in a breath and tugged me in closer. My legs wrapped around his torso and heat pooled low in my stomach. His kisses were rough and full of urgency, he struggled with the clasps of my bra before finally pushing down the straps. I could see the way he strained against his pants. There was a lump in my throat. He took my hand and guided it to his lap, his lips never leaving my neck.

"Shit, Elle. I want you."

"Tell me something I don't know."

He pulled back and pretended to be deep in thought. "Well, I like you."

"That's obvious." My hand was still near his crotch. "But for what it's worth, I like you too."

"Yeah?" His smile was wide. "You like me?"

I kissed him and reached down to unzip his jeans. His eyes were hooded and he swallowed hard as I pushed them down his legs. He pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it behind him, A smirk hung from his lips as he placed his hands on my shoulders. My lips brushed against his ear.

"Let me show you."

After spending the better part of 10 minutes on my knees, Kendall and I were still in the bathroom. I leaned in the mirror reapplying my lipstick, there was nothing I could do about the marks on my neck though. As I fixed my hair I caught Kendall staring at my reflection.

"See something you like?"

Kendall shrugged as he zipped his jeans. "You could say that. I know I like what just happened."

I turned and crossed my arms. "Yeah, your face is still flushed."

He shook his head and pressed a kiss to my lips. "Well, I owe you."

Kendall held the door open and I agreed wholeheartedly. "I love a guy who's generous."

He left to go check in with Kelly and I smiled to myself. Being close with Kendall was better than I ever thought it would be. I was glad we had put our issues behind us. Things finally felt like they were falling into place.

"Well, isn't this a sight for sore eyes."

I stopped, my stomach dropped and it felt like ice was coursing through my veins. The voice sent a chill down my spine and my heart was pounding in my chest. Slowly, I turned around, hoping I just imagined it.

"Look who crawled out of the bathroom."

Shit. I definitely didn't imagine it because there stood Jett. His arms were folded and a leering smile was plastered on his face. He looked from me to the bathroom and I could see the wheels turning in his head. I glanced at Kendall who was already down the hall.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

He took a step towards me and reached out a hand. I flinched instinctively, this caused him to laugh deep in his throat.

"Relax. I'm here to present and I'm nominated for the movie I did." He leaned against the wall and nodded. "Congrats on your nominations, Eleanor."

"Yeah well, you definitely inspired a lot of my new stuff." I cringed at the sound of my name coming from his mouth and went to push past him. "Excuse me."

He grabbed my arm and panic overtook my every thought. "Not so fast."

"Jett let go of me. I swear I'll scream."

He dropped my arm like I disgusted him. "Don't be so dramatic. I just wanted to say I like the new music, especially _Strange Love_. And you act like that bathroom was a bad thing."

"It was bad." I spat. "You took advantage of me."

"Tomato, Tomahto." He said simply and gave a half-assed shrug. "It's doing wonders for your career."

I frowned. "Yeah because a few new songs make up for what you did to me. Besides what about your stupid friends?"

"What?"

"The last thing I saw was you and your stupid friends turning my song off. What was it you said? Oh yeah, 'Hate that bitch too, but I'd fuck her again.' and then they called me a slut."

Jett waved off this comment and leaned into my ear. "Apparently someone else is fucking you in bathrooms judging by the hickey on your neck."

My stomach turned once more. "You don't know what you're talking about."

He touched my neck and I cringed. "So you mean you're weren't just coming out the bathroom with Kendall?"

"N-No, not like that." My voice cracked and betrayed the way I shook my head. "Not that it's any of your business."

His smile was wide and was meant to be charming. But it made me feel like I was going to throw up. " _We_ could have a repeat in the bathroom then. I know you miss me."

"S-Stop."

"How about a kiss? It'll be better than those idiots in Big Time Rush." He cupped my face and licked his lips like I was something to eat. "Come here."

He leaned in and I was horrified, his hand burned my skin. I elbowed him in the stomach and pushed him away before he could kiss me, I wanted to scream but I wasn't sure if I could. He groaned and rubbed where I hit him.

"Okay, fine, I'm sorry." He held up his hands. "I'm sorry. It's just that I miss you, Eleanor, every day."

Jett tucked my hair behind my ear and ran his thumb across my bottom lip. I drew in a breath and turned away from him, my eyes stung. I hated feeling his hands on me but he chuckled at this, his voice was teasing.

"Come on Len, you're so much prettier when you smile." He insisted, pinching my side. "I miss that smile."

"Fuck you," I said quietly, going through the breathing technique I had learned in therapy. "You don't get to hurt me again. Now, I plan on having a good time tonight so if you'll excuse me. I'm busy not being fucking scummy."

With that, I stomped off holding my head high even though it felt like I was going to collapse. I didn't turn around and I didn't stop speed walking until Carlos waved to me. I was safe here, people saw me and the guys wouldn't let anything happen.

"Hey, you okay?" James greeted as I walked in the dressing room "You look like you saw a ghost."

I forced a small laugh and rubbed my arm. "Something like that. Jett's here."

"Is he?" Kendall was surprisingly tense. "Did he say anything to you?"

"Just that we should have a r-repeat in the bathroom and that I'm prettier when I smile." I shuddered and blinked a few times. "Uh, he just makes me anxious."

"Elle, what happened?" Liz was firm and held my arm and led me to the corner of the room. "Are you okay?"

I sniffed a little. "Fine, he was just gross. He touched my face and said the tape is doing good things for my career. H-He was scummy but didn't hurt me."

"Are you sure?"

I knew I could tell Liz anything and I hated how embarrassed I was when I spoke. "He tried to kiss me."

This spurred Liz into action, her face hardened and she nodded. She was like a hurricane as she swept through the room. She told our security to keep him at bay and I could hear her in the hallway telling someone to make sure he wasn't seated near me. Kendall took the chance to come over, his brows were furrowed.

"What did he say to you? Did he see us come out of the bathroom, did he say anything about us?"

I shook my head, confused. "Yeah, but I said it wasn't like that. He said he missed me more than anything. Why?"

Kendall avoided my eye and sighed. "I just- I want tonight to be about you and the hard work you've done. And the work the guys and I have done. I don't want him to open his giant mouth about us."

"Trust me, I don't want that either." I rubbed my hand on my face. "I like you but I'm not ready for everyone to know."

He sighed and placed his hands on my hips. "That sounds perfect to me. And listen just ignore Jett, he's a dick. I'll keep him away from you. Let's just focus on tonight I have a feeling it's going to be a good one."

* * *

Seeing Jett had left me unsettled, but the drinks we had as we got ready had relaxed me. We were at the theatre where the awards were held, I was in my own car with Liz and the guys were with their team. Liz wanted some alone time on the drive over, she kept looking at me as we waited to get out to go on the carpet.

"You don't have to do this."

"Liz I'm fine. Honestly, we work in the same business I'll have to get used to seeing him." I said softly, looking out the window."The guys will be with me, you will and the security."

She rubbed my arm. "I know that but I don't like that he's free to run around causing trouble."

"Well neither do I. But I-I can't tell people about it, besides it's been too long."

"It's never too long but I won't let him near you." She let out a breath and smiled. "Now, I'm proud of you. Whatever happens tonight just know that."

I smiled back at her. "Thank you. I'll have the guys and Kendall with me this time."

"Speaking of, I took care of a few things for you in your room."

I frowned. "What?"

Before she could answer there was a knock on the window, signaling for me to get out. Liz gave a thumbs up and smoothed my hair. "Let's do this."

It was my first red carpet event since my hiatus, I inhaled deeply before stepping out of the car. I was a few feet away from the carpet but I could see the photographers and the flashing lights. I wrung my hands feeling a bit nervous. It had been so long since I had done one of these. I was so in my own head that a gentle hand on my back made me jump.

"Hey sorry, it's me." Kendall looked at me and a soft smile spread across his face. "You look beautiful."

I looked down at the dark blue dress I was wearing. It stopped mid-thigh and complimented my skin tone, this wasn't a red carpet like the Oscars so our teams wanted to keep things casual. But still, my cheeks were warm. Kendall was in a short sleeve button up shirt and his hair was off of his face.

"Thanks," I said shyly. "You look nice too."

He kissed my cheek, seeming to forget how we decided to not flirt with each other tonight. Luckily, the guys came up and all kissed my cheek too.

"Are you excited?" James asked as we headed towards the carpet.

I held up my hands and showed how they were shaking. "I'm more nervous than anything."

Kendall grabbed my hand and ran his thumb across the back of it. "Hey, you're going to be fine."

"Then why do I feel like I'm about to throw up?" I said dryly as we watched other celebrities be photographed.

Kendall squeezed my hand. "Because it's your first event like this since you came back. I'd be nervous too but you're talented and have worked hard. Just take a deep breath and if you feel like you're going to get sick turn your head away from me."

"What a gentleman." I frowned and pointed to the carpet. "Speaking of wanting to puke."

Jett stood in front of the cameras soaking it all in. He had his signature Hollywood smile which was so white it was nearly blinding. He played to the paparazzi and stared at every girl who walked past him. Kendall sensed my unease because he rubbed my shoulder.

"You've got this babe."

The guys and I finally stepped out onto the carpet. The flashing lights and shouts from the press were overwhelming. I posed with the five of them and then on my own. My heart was in my throat and my stomach swooped with nerves. The last red carpet I had been at was almost two years ago with Jett. But now here I was with four new friends and making a new name for myself. I couldn't help but smile through my nerves.

"Well look who it is. Elle Harper and Big Time Rush how are you guys tonight?"

Logan hugged the host. "We're good, all very excited."

"I just want to say welcome back Elle! It's been so empty without you at events like the Golden Star Awards. How does it feel to be back?"

"Uh, it feels really good. Like I've been saying I'd never be back here without my fans." My voice shook a little as I spoke. "I'm excited for tonight no matter what happens."

"We all know you're going to win. Everything you've been working on is amazing."

"Thanks!"

The interviewer asked the guys about their album and nominations for tonight. It was cute how Kendall's face lit up when he talked about his music. We finished that interview and worked our way down the carpet. Each mini interview got easier as we went along. We all stopped to sign some autographs for fans who waited by the side. There was only one more interview to go after a few more photos. But my mouth went dry before I could answer any questions. Jett was making a beeline to me, a smirk clear on his face. Big Time Rush was too busy answering questions to notice. Luckily, Liz put herself and my security between Jett and I. I exhaled, feeling relieved.

"Hello? I think we lost her."

I turned my head slowly when I heard laughter. The guys were staring at me expectantly. The microphone was in my face.

"S-Sorry what was the question?"

"I was just saying that I love the newest songs from yesterday."

My smile was forced. "Oh, thank you."

"So what's with the hand holding?"

My eyebrows pulled together. "What hand- oh."

Somewhere between seeing Jett and dying inside, I had grabbed Kendall's hand. I looked down to see that I was holding on tightly, I hadn't even noticed.

"You two aren't together, are you? I know you looked pretty cozy in Elle's video but what about Jo?"

"We're not together," I said quickly, letting go of his hand. "I just got dizzy from the lights, i-it's been a while since I've been to one of these things."

Kendall nodded and agreed with this. "Yeah, we're just friends."

Sensing the tension Carlos grabbed my hand. "We've been taking turns making sure she doesn't break an ankle in those shoes all night."

"We told her not to wear them." James rolled his eyes and held my other hand. "She's going to break her neck."

We all laughed and I cleared my throat, looking at Jett out of the corner of my eye. "I tell everyone fashion is worth the pain. I'm just lucky I have these guys to hold me up."

The interview wrapped up after that and once we were safely inside the theatre Kendall frowned at me.

"What happened out there?"

From where I was standing I saw Jett flirting with an actress who seemed to hang on his every word. "I-uh, Jett just weirded me out that's all. I'm fine."

"You grabbed my hand like your life depended on it."

"What can I say Kendork? You're a calming influence and I couldn't exactly smoke out there. I'm fine, promise."

* * *

Award shows were all pretty much the same if you've been to one you've been to them all. Something that was unknown by people who weren't in the business was how little of the show performers actually saw. Once BTR and I took our seats we only saw the opening and first few awards being handed out. The rest of our time was spent backstage warming up and changing our outfits. Big Time Rush was performing Just Getting Started and their newest single Don't Stop. Gustavo's master plan of introducing a more mature version of BTR was clearly working. I watched from the side of the stage with pride.

"We're getting down, getting naughty, don't stop until the sun comes up."

The choreography was full of grinding and body rolls. I watched as Kendall moved his hips, his jeans were tight and his face flushed from the stage lights. I let out a breath at the sight of him, he was definitely more attractive than usual which was saying a lot. The crowd applauded loudly when they finished and launched into the next song. I was glad the fans liked the more mature stuff. The guys had been working really hard on it.

"You can count it down, you can count me in." Logan sang as he moved to the beat. "We're just getting started now."

After the theatre went dark they raced off the stage. I gave them high fives and Kendall gave me a sweaty hug.

"You were great guys. They liked the new song."

"And what about you?" He asked as he took a long drink of water. "Did you like the new song?"

I waved my hand passively. "It was good but I definitely like you in those pants a lot more."

He was intrigued. "Oh really?"

"Definitely."

"I think you'd like me out of them too, Elle." His lips brushed against my ear. "I could show you later."

"Mmm, I may have to take you up on that."

Kendall shook his head at me. "What a tease."

"Always am."

Since it was so close to my performance Kendall stayed backstage while the guys changed and took their seats once more. I watched as Jett won the award for Best Actor. His speech was arrogant and mostly about himself. After seeing him this today I was more annoyed by his presence than I normally would be.

"I worked really hard on this role and had a lot of long hours." Jett chuckled a bit and looked at the award. "So I think this was well earned. Thank you to everyone who voted for me, it was obviously the right choice."

My eyes rolled so hard I was surprised they didn't fall out of my skull. "He's such a dick."

"Ignore him. You're going to be great and I'll be out there after your first song."

Liz was adjusting my mic pack and inner ear piece. "He's right and security will block the stage. That way he won't pull a Kanye on you."

"He'll have to get through security, Liz and me," Kendall assured me.

"I'll actually destroy him."

Liz and Kendall were both similar in how protective they were, it was actually kind of amusing. But still, I was glad to have their support I was nervous enough and didn't need Jett fucking things up any further.

"My heroes," I muttered as I walked to the side of the stage. "Wish me luck."

Onstage I was introduced and the room burst into cheers. That was my cue, I tightened my grip on my mic and strutted out onto the stage. Tonight would be the second time I performed one of the songs I put out yesterday. It was the one about Kendall and I was excited to sing it. The fans were too, several of them near the front of the stage sang right along with me.

"When it comes to you I get paralyzed." My eyes shifted to Kendall who bobbed his head and gave me a thumbs up. "You make me glow but I cover up won't let it show."

The performance went well, all the special effects went off perfectly and standing in a room full of my supportive peers was validating. I was finally back in front of all of them. When everything had first happened I felt isolated and ashamed but now I had officially proved that I was back. The first few bars of Night Like This began and the excitement in the room built.

"Orlando you all know my friend Kendall, make some noise!"

Kendall came out with a wave and a smile. Since this was on TV and full of people we knew personally, we stuck to the original scripted flirting. To my amazement, it was kind of hard to stick to it. Given how things were between us when tour first started I would never have thought I'd _want_ to flirt with Kendall. But here we were. My hands wanted to wander over his body, I wanted to smile at him and try to rile him up. He must have felt the same because he had to control himself. He pulled his hand back when he tried to touch my face.

"We could just stay up all n-night."

My voice wavered as he bit his lip. Something about how out of control he was in this moment was attractive. We danced around each other, just slipping out of each other's grasps. I felt the same urge I had felt this morning, yesterday on the bus, and while filming in that cab. The clips from my video playing only heightened this. Kendall's eyes were briefly glued to the screen where I was grinding my hips into his.

"I could almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips." He sounded strained. "I could feel anticipation through my veins."

We both took a step to close the gap and when I looked down I could see the way his jeans had tightened around him. His eyes were big and I saw how his fist was clenched at his side. He was having trouble controlling himself, it was new and sent a shudder down my spine.

"Anything could happen on a night like this."

There was an unspoken tension between us. It was different this time though. It wasn't angry like in the game and it wasn't flirty like it recently was. This was different and much more intense. It was broken by the applause. I took my bow and we were rushed into different dressing rooms. His sight of how wide his eyes were was hard to shake. We reunited at our seats after a commercial break. Several other people won awards across a variety of categories. Big Time Rush had won the first award they had been nominated for. Now it was time to see if they got their second. We were all on the edge of our seats.

"And the Golden Star for Best Group goes to Big Time Rush."

We all jumped up and shouted. I hugged each of the guys and kissed their cheeks as they made their way out into the aisle. They raced up the stairs to collect their second set of trophies. Their smiles were huge and I felt a surge of pride.

"Wow! Once again we just want to thank everyone who voted for us." Logan spoke first.

James was grinning and holding up his award. "For sure. The Rushers are the best fans in the world."

"Thank you!" Kendall agreed. "We appreciate all of you."

"We're just getting started so stay tuned. Thank you!"

The four of them made their way backstage and back around to their seats after a few minutes. It was now my turn to be a mess of nerves as they got to my categories. I was up for two awards, winning both would be nice but just being nominated meant the world to me. If I was being entirely honest with myself, I really wanted to win for Song of the Summer. Winning for Best Video would be great too. But something about my first award since coming back being for a video was too ironic. After all, it was a video that sent me into hiding. But still, I was proud of my work and my video so I'd be happy either way.

Several clips of music videos that had been nominated flashed on the screen. There was polite applause for each of them but when Kendall and I popped up on screen the volume increased. Apparently, more of my fans were here than I thought. My stomach was in knots and I chewed on my thumbnail.

"And the winner for Best Music Video is—" Dak Zevon fumbled with the envelope. "Elle Harper for Night Like This."

There was an eruption of cheers all around me but I was frozen in my seat. It wasn't until Carlos and James pulled me to my feet did it hit me. I was giddy as I hugged them all. Kendall squeezed me tight and whispered into my ear despite the cameras.

"Congratulations. You deserve it."

Liz pushed me towards the aisle and patted me on the back. I hurried up the stairs. I took the sleek shooting star trophy and realized my hands were shaking. It wasn't often I got stage fright but I was speechless for a moment.

"Oh god, wow. I uh, first I need to thank my manager Liz. She's stuck by me since day one through thick and thin. I need to thank Olivia for directing it." My mouth was dry and I looked out into the sea of people. The guys and Liz were standing and still clapping for me. "Thank you to my friend Kendall for being in it. And finally, thank you to a-all of my fans. It's been a long road back to the stage and I couldn't have done it without you."

My legs were wobbling as I was guided offstage and posed for a quick photo. When there was a commercial break I went back to my seat, and in the dark of the theatre, Kendall took my hand into his. He ran his thumb over my knuckles and squeezed every so often. When everyone was distracted by a performance he whispered to me.

"I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, part of this should be yours. You were in it too."

He snorted at this. "Getting to make out with you was rewarding enough honestly."

"We did look pretty good." I looked straight ahead not wanting to be too obvious. "I guess we just have award-winning chemistry."

"That we do. I know I felt something when we were performing."

"Yeah." I laughed under my breath. "It wasn't hard to miss that you felt something."

Our banter died down after that. It was near the end of the show and Song of the Summer was coming up. Not that I really noticed, Kendall kept touching my leg and shifting in his seat. It was taking my attention away from the award show and left my stomach in knots. I beamed down at the trophy in my other hand, in front of me was tangible proof that I had made it back to my career. I would cherish this piece of metal and plastic forever. The night could have ended there and I would have been content. This was why I was caught off guard when I heard my name again.

"And the winner for Song of the Summer is Night Like This by Elle Harper featuring Kendall Knight."

"What?" I turned my head so fast I almost had whiplash. "Me?"

Logan helped me to my feet and kissed my cheek. "Yes, you!"

"You won!" Carlos shouted over the noise.

Kendall was clapping the loudest out of everyone in the room, he pulled me into a hug and kissed my face. I grinned back at him and leaned in so he could hear me.

"Come with me!" I grabbed his arm and led him past our friends and managers.

He helped me up the stairs and we collected our awards once more. There was a lump in my throat that hadn't been there last time. As I stared out at everyone it occured to me that this win meant that the other one wasn't a fluke. I had won this award for my talent and skill and not because of my body and a steamy music video. This obviously wasn't my first award but after the Jett incident, I really thought my career was over. When I had first started this tour I thought it was going to be miserable. But now here I stood with two awards under my belt and someone I cared about by my side. I held onto the podium with both hands.

"I _really_ didn't expect to be up here at all let alone twice." I chuckled apprehensively. "Thank you so, so much. There was a point about a year ago when I thought I would never win anything ever again. But this means the world to me. I'm so proud of this song and the work I put into it. I want to thank Liz and Gustavo for pushing me to do a duet and for producing it. And I have to thank Kendall for helping me write it." I blinked a few times and my eyes stung. "Thank you to my fans, this was all for you."

Kendall leaned into the microphone. "Elle deserves all of your praise. She wrote most of the song and came up with the music. I'm just thankful I had the chance to work alongside someone so talented. I think the stuff she's working on now is going to change the world. So look out for Elle because she's going to blow all of you away."

We were ushered offstage which was good because my cheeks were burning. When we had written the song I never thought I'd hear Kendall say anything positive about me or my music. But now I was blushing and flustered because of his praise. We were in a tunnel under the stage that led to our seats. He looked over his shoulder and the smile on his face was shy. Out of habit, we checked to see if we were alone. He held my face and kissed me.

"I'm so proud of you. You deserve this more than anyone. We'll have to celebrate."

* * *

And celebrate we did. All of the celebrities who attended the award show were staying at the same hotel across the street. So there was an afterparty that was going strong in the ballroom. The lights were dimmed and music blasted through the speakers. The guys and I all took shots when we arrived and I danced with all of them but my eyes rarely left Kendall's. Congratulations were thrown around by everyone who had won awards.

"Elle!"

I swiveled around to see Lucy Stone coming towards me. Even though our musical styles were different I had always been a huge fan of hers and vice versa. In fact, when the Jett incident had happened she had been one of the few people who took my side.

"Hey! Congratulations."

She hugged me. "You too. You earned it, everything you're putting out is kicking ass. It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back."

Our conversation was cut short when she spotted James and dashed off. I turned to look for Kendall, he had left to go get us drinks a few minutes ago. I already had enough of a buzz from winning and the one shot I took, but I promised him and the guys one drink. Logan had returned with drinks for himself, Carlos and James but Kendall was nowhere to be found. I squinted through the throng of people and the darkness until I saw him. At first, when I saw him scowling I was surprised. But when the person he was talking to turned around it made sense.

"What the fuck?" I blurted out loud.

Jett was talking to Kendall. He had a sleazy grin on his face and an arm over Kendall's shoulders. He said something that annoyed him because Kendall shook his arm off. His brows were furrowed and I could tell he was pissed. He spoke harshly and shook his head at Jett. This didn't seem to have much of an effect on him because he merely laughed. Kendall spoke once more before walking over to me.

"What was that?" I asked taking my drink.

He was transformed, back to his cheerful self. "What was what?"

"You and Jett just now?" My voice was high pitched and strained. "What did he say?"

Kendall frowned. "He was being gross and I told him he made you uncomfortable this morning. I told him to fuck off, that's all."

My heart softened a little. "You did that for me?"

"I don't want anyone to hurt you." He seemed embarrassed. "You looked scared shitless after rehearsal and nearly broke my hand on the red carpet. I told him to leave you alone."

The room was dark enough so I wasn't worried. But even if it hadn't been I wouldn't have cared. I brought his face down to meet mine, my lips found his despite the dark. We broke apart but Kendall still held me close. Our bodies swayed to the music and his forehead rested against mine. His arms were wrapped around my waist as his hips rocked against mine. Here in the dim light of the ballroom, we were free to be close and I took full advantage of that. With my drink in one hand, I held his face close to mine with the other. He pressed kisses against my neck and shoulder, lingering on the spot just below my ear. I turned around and grinded my backside into his crotch. His arm snaked around to my front and he reached up to squeeze my breast, his lips were firmly planted on my neck, leaving little bites as he went. I groaned quietly.

"You like that?" He asked as he turned me around to face him. "I can tell you do."

I could feel him jabbing my thigh everytime his hip bumped mine. I reached down to palm him, he nearly dropped his half-finished drink.

"I can tell _you_ like that." I purred. "That you like me."

Kendall laughed at this and ran his hand over his jaw. "Of course I like you, Elle."

I thought of the last time Kendall and I had been in a similar situation. It had been in Atlanta. We had been so full of anger and tension, we had shouted, and called each other out on our bullshit. But now? It just felt right, the way he looked at me sent my head spinning. We understood each other and our feelings weren't repressed. But something that hadn't changed was how it felt like we were the only two people in the room. I never thought I'd like him when we first met. I thought this summer would be nothing but fighting and hating him. As he looked down at me with that damn smile I was glad I had been wrong.

"What are you thinking about?" His tone was amused.

Maybe it was the buzz from winning tonight and maybe was the one drink I had. But I felt brave and unconquerable. I kissed him briefly before putting my lips to his ear.

"Do you want to go upstairs?" My voice was barely above a whisper.

He stared at me his amused smile had faded and I knew him well enough to see the way his gaze went steely. He swallowed hard and gestured for me to lead the way. I reached back to grab his hand. I was a bundle of nerves as we pushed through the crowd of people. For once, _I_ was in charge of the narrative. I was making the choices and no one else. Once in the lobby, we squinted at the bright lights. Kendall hit the call button for the elevator and cleared his throat. He looped his fingers through mine. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him grinning to himself. We stepped into the elevator and when the doors slid shut Kendall pinned me to the wall and kissed me. It was full of lust but tender all the same.

"Do you really think my music is going to blow everyone away?" I asked, I wasn't sure where it came from and I shook my head. "You said that earlier."

He kissed me once more. "You already blow me away every day."

After the torturously slow ride, the doors opened. Kendall pointed down the hall.

"Yours or mine?"

"Mine," I said immediately.

This was my choice, it was my narrative, so my room felt right. This was good enough for Kendall because he followed me down the hall. My back was to the door and I fumbled around my bag for my keycard. Kendall was making it hard to concentrate because his hands were all over me. When I finally found it I let us inside, causing both of us to trip. We laughed a little and Kendall shut the door behind us. I kicked off my heels, making the height difference that much more noticeable. Kendall brought his lips to mine and drew me into him. His hand wandered down my chest and stomach and under my dress. I pulled his shirt over his head. I had seen him like this several times before but something was new. There was a desire that I hadn't had before.

"Wow."

Kendall gave a smug smile. "Like what you see, Len?"

I took him in. From his blonde hair, the scruff on his cheeks, his dimples, and tattoos. But what really got me was just how pink his lips were and how I wanted them everywhere. His eyes were green, green, _green_ and burned holes into me. He licked his lips and cupped my face, barely kissing me.

"I like it a lot."

He unbuckled his pants and pushed them down to the floor, clearly pleased with himself. He sat down on the bed and pulled me between his legs. My heart was pounding in my chest. My hands shook. My mouth was dry.

"Is it too soon to do this?" I asked timidly and when he looked confused I continued. "I-I just, I mean, it's kind of delicate don't you think?"

His response was a small shake of the head and a smile. "No, but we don't have to do this."

My eyes drifted over his body and to where he looked painfully hard. "I want this. I want you."

"Let me help."

He reached up under my dress and slid my panties down my legs. We kissed and I took a step back, feeling shy. I just had my dress left, I toyed with the straps. He had seen me naked before when we fooled around but now the stakes were raised. I was vulnerable and exposed, this was something I had vowed I would never be again. He sensed this because he took my hand.

"You don't have to hide anything from me."

I sucked in a breath and unzipped it, I pushed it off my shoulders and stepped out of the pile of fabric. Kendall nodded appreciatively and pulled me onto his lap. He tucked my hair behind my ear and brushed his lips against mine. He kissed down my neck and all over my breasts.

"Goddamn, you're beautiful." His voice rumbled in my ear. "So, so pretty Elle."

My face was warm and red and he kissed me against. He buried his face in my neck and I spotted the box tucked away behind a lamp on the table. I shifted so we were on the bed and nodded to the box. Kendall opened the packet and rolled it on. He reached down to kiss me, his other hand finding it's way between my legs. I let out a sigh. It was like we were the only two people in the world. It was so new but the smell of his soap and mint made it familiar. I pulled him down into me and his eyes were soft as he looked into mine. Being with him like this felt right.

"You wanna do this?"

Here I was, safe, in control, and able to choose. Every moment from the beginning of the summer had been building to this one. From that very first kiss, we were meant to be together, just like this. He was intoxicating and I wanted him, all of him. I could feel it viscerally, deep down all the way into my bones. There was only one thing left to say.

"Yes."

Kendall's lips met mine and it was full of all the lust that had been there the first time he kissed me. He lowered himself into me and I melted into him. Our bodies finally and utterly intertwined.

And I could think of nothing better.

* * *

AN: THEY FINALLY GOT TOGETHER!

Ahem. I'm a little too excited about that if you can't tell. But yes Kendelle officially had sex and Elle felt safe about it. I wanted to show how nervous she felt. That final scene in the hotel room was my favorite to write. Especially Kendall being sweet about it all. The second favorite was the scene with Elle and Jett in the hallway. Also, Elle won two awards and is officially back on the scene and in public. What was your favorite part? The next update is sweeter and full of Kendelle and the aftermath. I hope you stay tuned and tell me what you thought. See you next week Rushers and not so close to midnight!

Thanks!


	20. Chapter 20

AN: Happy Wednesday, as usual thank you for the feedback. This chapter is really long and I kind of like it. It takes place over the course of two weeks and follows Kendelle and their growth. There's a bit of drama but I wanted to write something sweet. I'll leave you to it, there's an important note at the end. Thank you, enjoy and please let me know what you thought.

* * *

Happy.

That was the first thought I had when waking up. I was happy. Right away I could tell that I wasn't hungover. My head wasn't throbbing and my mouth wasn't dry. This time there was no confusion. There was just him. The first thing I saw when I finally opened my eyes was him. His blonde hair was mussed and a tired smile pulled at his lips. His arm was thrown around my waist and I was on top of his chest. Last night came back to me all at once. My smile matched his and I found my voice.

"Morning."

"Hi." His voice was scratchy and he kissed me on the forehead. "You okay after last night?"

Images of Kendall on top of me and ones of me on his lap came to mind. My smile widened a bit and I ran my hand through his hair.

"I'm good. How are you?"

Kendall ran his hand up and down my back. "I'm great, I'm just glad you're okay."

His concern was touching but not misplaced. Last night had been the first time I had sex since that night with Jett. For so long I had been scared to trust anyone with something so intimate. But last night was as easy as breathing. And here we were the next morning. The world was still turning and the sun still rose. And I woke up next to someone who actually cared for me. He kissed the back of my hand and his eyes were heavy. He stroked my cheek with the pad of his thumb and yawned.

"Waking up next to you feels right."

I sighed and fought a yawn of my own. "It does."

He kissed me again and I rested my head on his chest so I could see his face. The corner of his mouth twitched a bit like he was trying to contain himself.

"So I don't want to come on too strong or anything." He said sheepishly, his voice was low. "But we have, uh, we have some time before we have to check out."

I twisted around so I could see the clock. We had at least an hour before we had to leave and make the drive to South Carolina. When I turned back to Kendall he was biting his lip and his eyebrows were raised. The sheets were obviously tented. A small scoff slipped out and I shook my head, moving to straddle his lap. His hands came up to hold my sides. I leaned down, my lips were inches from his, my hair hung over my shoulders. He sat up a bit, his one hand moving to my chest. His pupils were wide and he looked hopeful. I bent down and my lips ghosted over his ear.

"We better make the most of our time then."

* * *

"Columbia! You guys have been incredible tonight, thank you! I have two songs left." I shouted into the microphone and laughed. "How about we throw it back to an old one?. Most of you might know it. It's a little song I call Animal."

This took the fans by surprise because they hesitated before bursting into cheers. Animal was from my second album, it was about falling for someone and trying to figure out where things were going. It was actually about Jett, I had written when we first started our relationship. For obvious reasons it had been a while since I sang it. But it felt right to bring it back.

"If you know the words sing along."

The music was dreamy and full of synth, I swayed to it and held onto the mic stand. I glanced over to the side of the stage to where Kendall stood. His arms were folded over his chest and his gaze never left mine. We had sung Night Like This earlier and it had been full of sexual tension. But now his face was red and his eyes were full of fondness.

"I am starstruck with every part of this whole story."

Kendall and I had come so far during the first half of tour. If someone had told me not only would we kiss but I'd end up having sex with him I would have laughed. I had been dreading spending the summer with him. But now he was everywhere, my mind, my room, and my bed. We had created this whole story of hate, to lust, to caring for each other.

"So if it's just one night, the animal inside let it live and die."

I tweaked the words a bit. I wasn't sure what was going to happen after the night before. But even if that had been it, it was worth it. Maybe we had been taken over by instinct more than emotions. The pessimistic side of me kept thinking it was too good to be true. But the way my stomach filled with butterflies when he smiled at me made me want to believe that it had been a good thing.

The song was romantic and had a slow build to it, in that way it was just like me and Kendall. It had been a long road to this point but then everything happened at once.

"The night is fading, my heart is racing. I hope it's more than just the animal inside."

My set finished with a final song and I left the stage. Kendall stood where he had been all night, he had a large smile on his face. He pulled me into a hug, nearly lifting me off the ground.

"I like that song."

"You do?"

"I like you." He said simply. After a quick look around the room, he kissed me. "I like you a lot."

My voice was soft as I spoke. "I like you too."

* * *

As it turned out, it hadn't been just our instincts. Florida may have been the first place we hooked up but it certainly wasn't our last. That night in South Carolina after his set, Kendall found me in my dressing room. He pushed me up against the door and buried his face in my hair. He wasn't as gentle as he had been the first time, not that I minded.

"Kendall, fuck." I held onto his shoulders and let my head fall back. "Ah! Shit."

He gave a low laugh. "If you thought it was a one-time thing you were so wrong."

And wrong I was. As we worked our way up the east coast, it seemed that we were together every second that we weren't onstage. We were in North Carolina and while everyone went inside the rest stop I pulled Kendall into my bunk. We had barely finished dressing when the guys came back. Kendall rolled out of my bunk after kissing the side of my head.

"Wait, I need to smoke," Kendall told them as we walked out into the front of the bus.

"Dude we've been here 20 minutes, you couldn't smoke then?"

"I was preoccupied."

"With what?"

The wolfish smile Kendall gave and the way I fought a snicker was telling enough. Carlos and James laughed at this but Logan wrinkled his nose.

"On the bus? Ugh, I'm going to have to buy earplugs. My bunk is next to yours."

"Don't be dramatic Loge." I teased and tousled his hair. "I'll buy you a pair myself."

Out of respect for the guys, we really did try to tone it down. Keyword: _try_. But in Virginia, I looked up from whatever song I was working on and found him staring at me with that stupid smile and green eyes. In Delaware, he was playing a video game with the guys all I did was stretch and his face hardened. We worked our way out of the deep south and found that even though the heat had diminished our feelings hadn't. After another sold-out show, we found ourselves smoking out back.

"The fans seemed really excited about Night Like This," I said, blowing a plume of smoke. "More so than usual."

Kendall stole the cigarette from me and took a drag. "I noticed that too. They aren't dumb, they probably see the tension."

"You're right. I guess we'll have to be more careful." I nodded to him. "You especially, you're the one who keeps trying to feel me up."

He tugged at the front of his jeans and cleared his throat. "It's not my fault. I can't control it."

I looked down at his hand and back up. "I can't stand you."

He whispered in my ear, making me shudder. "Sure you can't. You're definitely not thinking about me right now."

"I'm n-not." I blew smoke in his face. "You're the one doing all the thinking."

He laughed at this. "Trust me, Elle, there is no blood going to my brain right now."

I dropped the bud. "I never said you were thinking with _that_ head."

Kendall put one hand on my hip and pulled me close. His lips were soft against mine and he tasted like smoke. His stubble rubbed against my cheek and his fingers dug into my side. I pushed up on my toes to reach him better, my hands were tangled in his hair. It wasn't long before I found myself in his bunk trying to catch my breath. He chuckled and I rolled over to shush him. He fell asleep, his arm still around my waist.

Being with Kendall was still a shock, having sex, in general, was a major step forward for me. But there was something about him, this energy that lured me in. Underneath that arrogant, judgemental exterior he had when we met was someone sweet and caring. Unlike with Jett, sex was never just about him. He knew how to make my toes curl and asked what I wanted. He wasn't shy when it came to compliments.

"God, Elle. So pretty, so, so pretty." He groaned into my ear as he rocked into me. "Fucking beautiful."

Kendall brought out a different side of me. That video made it seem like I was easy but I had prided myself on not being a spectacle in public. I would never have had sex somewhere so open before this summer. But I found myself slinking out of the studio bus with him. There was a blush on both of our faces. Kendall managed to make me feel safe after what had happened to me and for that I was grateful. That wasn't the only benefit though, songs were coming out of me faster than ever. For once I was truly happy and wanted to share that with everyone.

"My reputation's never been worse." I flashed Kendall a private grin. "He must like me for me."

I had written this song on the bus as we were leaving Florida. Kendall had made me feel so safe the night before and I couldn't get it out of my head. He made me feel like I was in control. Thinking about it now made my stomach swoop and my face nearly hurt from all the smiling.

"Is it too soon to do this yet, is it cool that you're in my head? Because I know that it's delicate."

The fans seemed to like the new song and while I was glad about this, I only cared about one reaction at that moment. Kendall came out onstage for our duet and I got my answer. Our hug was brief but he held the mic away from his face so he could mumble into my ear.

"For what it's worth you're in my head too. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you."

I wasn't the only one with a new song that night. For the past few days since that night in Orlando, Kendall had been private about what he and the guys were working on. In fact, I wasn't allowed in the studio bus while they were. Unless I was recording, or more likely having sex with Kendall. So when unfamiliar music started near the end of the set I was confused.

"D.C.! How are you guys feeling tonight?" James asked causing them to cheer.

"You guys are troopers it is 98 degrees and you are still on your feet." Logan commended. "I hope you're wearing sunscreen."

Carlos snickered at this from where he stood on a platform. "Yeah, or you'll end up sunburned like Logan."

Kendall sniggered. "Because you guys are still having a good time despite the heat, we thought it'd be the right time to play you the new song we've been working on. Let's just say it's been a hot summer so far."

Electric guitars and horns kicked in. It was different from what they had been putting out recently, it had a good vibe to it though. I could picture myself singing it in the car. Logan started it off, singing about a girl in a tank top and cut-offs. But then Kendall took over, making sure to catch my eye. His smirk was wide and satisfied.

"My appetite for you is insatiable. If I said I didn't want you on me I'd be lying." He thrust his hips a bit to the beat of the drums. "We can go all night. You're a phenomenon, I feel it coming on."

James and Carlos took the lead on the chorus. They went on about how it was going to be a hot summer, full of fevers and intensity. Something told me Kendall had a good hand in writing this song. The horns gave it a jazzy feel and their dancing was loose, their hips shaking.

"Give me a taste of the unthinkable." Kendall made a lewd gesture towards me. His tongue swiping between the two fingers he held up. "Come on baby let's cross that line."

A spike of embarrassment went through me and I shook my head at him. Next to me, Liz tutted and rolled her eyes. Liz, ever the genius, had figured out things for herself the morning after. Kendall wasn't in his room when Kelly went to find him. After getting over her initial concern for my safety and well being she was actually kind of proud. But hadn't said anything in the week and a half since.

"He's bold as hell. You should have heard him after your new song." She told me as we watched them perform. "The guys kept teasing him about it and his face was beet red. I actually kind of like him. He was a dick at first but he's winning me over."

I was chewing my thumbnail and grinned to myself. "He makes me happy."

"Good, you deserve it."

Back onstage the song was at its peak. They were all breathy and it was mostly just the drums and them clapping. Kendall was sweaty and ran a hand through his hair, which was limp.

"I-I feel the heat, can you feel the heat?" He waved his hand in front of his face. "It's gonna be a hot summer."

And a hot summer it was. The air was stagnant, not even the slightest breeze to offer some relief. Despite this I found myself standing outside by the back door near the buses. Kendall had showered first and I had every intention to catch him. He smoked after every show so when he stepped out, humming to himself I ambushed him.

"Well, hello." He greeted, blowing out a mouthful of smoke.

I took the cigarette from him tossing it onto the asphalt. I kissed him intensely. His response was instant, his hand drifted down to the back pockets of my shorts. He squeezed my ass and the other hand came up to hold onto my face. His tongue brushed against mine before I bit his lip.

"Come on," I mumbled, taking his hand. "Have to be quick."

He wrapped his arms around me from behind, trailing down my sides and stomach. I punched in the code to open the bus door and pulled him up the stairs. My hands were frantic as I tugged his shirt over his head and kissed him.

"What's gotten into you?" He seemed amused. "Not that I mind."

I shrugged. Maybe it was me making up for all the time I hadn't been having sex and maybe it was the heat. But either way, I was impatient. In one swift movement, I shoved everything off the counter and hopped up.

Kendall scrambled to unbutton his jeans and I pushed them to his ankles. I kissed him once more, tangling my fingers in his damp hair. It was almost too much. Between the smell of his soap and the smoke which I had come to love and the feeling of his hands under my dress, I was hooked. I felt bold.

"Right here." I groaned, pulling my dress up my legs. "Please."

He looked surprised. "H-Here? You sure?"

"Only if you want to." I squirmed and tilted my head.

"Trust me, I want to."

That was all we needed because I let him grab onto my hips and stand between my legs. I wrapped them around his waist. He let out a low sigh and his eyes fell shut.

"Fuck, Len."

It felt like my heart was going to burst from how hard it pumped. "So good Kendall."

"Yeah?"

"Uh huh, s'perfect." My voice was high pitched and I braced myself against the cabinets with one hand. "Kiss me."

Even though his movements were rough the kiss was almost gentle. I could feel his smile against my face and he held my chin, it was sweet. It wasn't just sex, I felt connected to him, physically and emotionally. I pressed my lips to his shoulder and he moaned into my ear.

"Shit, you're so pretty. So fucking hot." His words ran together and stared at me, his eyes were half open but a bright shade of green. "So perfect."

We were so consumed with each other, so lost in our own world that everything around us was a soft blur. Heat pooled in my stomach, Kendall's breathing was heavy and his cheeks were red from the exertion. He buried his face in my shoulder and his hips jerked, he squeezed my hand and held it over my head. We had become so intertwined that we were in perfect sync. The only thing that existed was the man in front of me, his eyes were fixed on mine and he kissed me repeatedly. It was just the two of us until we nearly shot out of our skin.

"What the fuck!" The voice bellowed. "Put a fucking sock on the fucking door. On the counter?"

I managed to catch a glimpse of Carlos rushing back out the bus. My attention was quickly taken over by Kendall finishing with a grunt and a string of curse words. His chest heaved and he pressed his forehead to mine. He chuckled a little as I followed, clawing at his shoulders. He gave a lingering kiss and tried to catch his breath. I pushed his hair back and smiled breathlessly.

"That was good." I cleared my throat. "Really good."

He nodded in agreement and pulled his pants back up. "More than good."

"Carlos is pissed," I said, sliding my underwear back on. "I almost feel bad."

Kendall slumped against the counter, he was sweaty. "I don't care and I don't feel bad."

We looked at each other before bursting into a fit of giggles. "Worth it."

He lazily brushed his lips across my forehead. "Absolutely.

After a thorough cleaning of the counter and an apology to Carlos, we rolled out of DC and to our next stop. The tour had sold out in Virginia and Delaware. The Maryland show marked the official halfway point of the tour. The summer was flying by and it was hard to keep up. The next award show in New York was coming up and the excitement was contagious. The past few days of the tour had been brutal because of the heat. So I was grateful for a day off, my head was spinning. It had been almost two weeks since Orlando and Kendall and I were inseparable. It felt like we were tethered by some invisible thread, that we were bounded by our chemistry.

"What kind of day off includes an interview?" James griped as he shuffled out of his bunk and into the kitchen.

"We got to sleep in, it's a day off." I countered, pointing at him. "Enjoy it."

James muttered about how waking up before 9 am was basically torture. Kendall scoffed at this as he slid into the seat next to me, he pushed a steaming mug into my hands. I gave him a small smile and a quick kiss, since the other night we really made an effort to tone it down.

"Thank you." He motioned for me to taste it and when I did I gave a thumbs up. "The right amount of honey and ice water. You're learning."

"You make her tea now? What's next a back rub?"

The four of us turned to see Carlos rolling his eyes. Personally, I tried not to laugh. Kendall had said the exact same thing to James when he brought me coffee one morning before the tour started. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"She's cute, so yeah," Kendall stated with a shrug. "Don't be bitter. You'll find someone to make you tea."

He shook his head and pulled a bowl and cereal out of the cabinet. "I'm not bitter, just scarred for life."

"Did you really not hear them from outside the bus, Los?" Logan looked up from his phone. "Seriously, it was kind of obvious."

"I had headphones on!" He insisted for the thousandth time. "I walked in to grab my charger but no Kendall was literally balls deep."

I spit tea back into my mug and coughed. Next to me, Kendall's face was red and his lips were pressed into a line as he held back a laugh.

"Listen, we said we were sorry." Kendall began, "Honestly, it was an in the moment decision."

Carlos rubbed his fists into his eyes. "The image of your ass is burned into my brain."

"We cleaned the counter and it won't happen again. Just show Kendall _your_ ass and you'll be even."

Kendall instantly vetoed this. "Absolutely not. I'd never sleep again. Not that I do now."

"Mmm, this is true."

"Ugh, you two are so domestic it's rotting my teeth." Logan gagged dramatically. "Get a room."

Without missing a beat or shifting his eyes from mine he gave Logan the finger. "We have one, you're just in it."

And there it was again then, that spark. Kendall smirked and patted my leg, it was like all the air had been sucked from the room. I smiled at him, it was wide and my heart skipped a beat. Deep down, I felt something I hadn't felt in a very long time. I was falling for him and I think he was falling for me too.

* * *

"Good morning, I'm Tess Austin! I'm coming to you from Ocean City and I'm joined by none other than Big Time Rush and Elle Harper." She spoke into the camera and turned to us. "Thank you for having me."

"We're excited to have you."

The presales for both of our albums increased with each song we put out. This was exciting but Gustavo wanted the fans to have a better look at what was going on behind the scenes. That's why we were all sat in the studio bus doing this interview. I didn't mind though, it had been a while since we had sat down with someone. The guys and I led Tess around the bus, showing her various things.

"Elle, what's your favorite thing about the studio bus?"

My first thought was how Kendall and I had hooked up on the couch. He must have thought this too because he cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck.

"I would say the mixing board is my favorite thing." I swept my hand over the complicated collection of buttons and switches. "This is where Gustavo works his magic and makes everything sound incredible. He's been teaching me a few things, so I'm getting into the production side of things too."

This was true and I was extremely proud of it. In fact, I had been working on a little something when the bus was empty. The guys had no idea and I liked it that way. It would make for an even greater surprised when I finally debuted it. Being so hands-on for this album was a big accomplishment for me. When I was younger, I had been told what to write about and everything else was handled for me. But this time, like many other aspects of my life, I had control.

After showing her the recording booth and all the instruments we circled back to our seats. Tess steered the interview to our personal lives, I hated to admit it but I was anxious. It felt like it was obvious there was something between Kendall and I. The questions were benign enough, it was the usual ones to start. The best part of tour, what were our tourmates like and so on. All softballs that I could answer in my sleep. But when Tess asked James about the flirty comments he had been leaving on an actress's posts and Logan about a sexy selfie we took with a fan, I knew where this was going. She had just finished questioning if Carlos felt the same about a model who said he was her celebrity crush.

"So, Elle you've been releasing some killer songs. Most of them make it seem like you're seriously crushing on someone. Care to give us any hints, is it one of the Big Time Rush guys?" She leaned forward and every set of eyes in the room were on me. "You have made out with all of them."

A nervous laugh escaped and I tossed my hair. "They're all sweet. But, uh, we're all friends. The songs are about a combination of experiences, no one in particular."

She didn't seem to believe me but turned to Kendall. "Speaking of friends, the two of you seem pretty close."

Kendall looked like a deer in headlights, his jaw tensed and he refused to look in my direction. "Tour does that. It makes people close."

"Yeah, but you two seem pretty close." She held up a picture of him kissing my cheek in Orlando when I had won for Song of the Summer. "The fans seem to like you two."

Kendall was stuttering over his words so I swooped in, a bit defensive. "Actually, what that doesn't show is how these guys kissed my cheek too. I won an award they were proud of me. They're my friends."

"Exactly, Elle's great but we're friends. The person I'm dating certainly wouldn't appreciate it if I was with her. No offense Elle."

Even though my stomach sank, I laughed. "No, of course. I get it."

Tess didn't seem to expect us to shut down her question like that. There was an awkward pause before she asked us about the remainder of the tour dates. We would head to the Northeast for a week or so before hitting spots in the Midwest we missed the first time. Then it was a few days worth of traveling to the Pacific Northwest before we doubled back to Minnesota and then to Canada. She wrapped up the interview and thanked us for having her. Liz and Kelly ushered her and her cameraman off the bus.

"Now that we finished that, it's officially a day off," James exclaimed leading the way down the aisle. "It's time to relax."

The five of us piled into the back room for a movie marathon. Out of habit, Kendall had tossed me the same Minnesota Wilds hoodie. It had been too hot to wear the past few days and I pulled it over my head. I was laying in his lap and his arm was around me, but I was uncomfortable. Kendall had told me he and Jo were on a break. But he told Tess he was dating someone. Normally, I wouldn't care about an interview answer but from where my head was resting I could see his phone. He and Jo were texting.

 _We haven't talked in a while._ She wrote, adding a frowning emoji.

His reply was quick. _Sorry, been busy with the tour and stuff. How's the movie?_

 _It's good, Jett's an ass but it's going well._

Okay, so they weren't declaring their love for each other or anything. It was polite conversation at best and he wasn't exactly my boyfriend so I couldn't be upset. And she thought Jett was an ass, which was good. She deserved some credit. I wasn't the jealous type anyways. But Jo's next message made me bit my lip.

 _I miss you, I'm sorry I've been a bitch._

I peeked out of the corner my eye to see his reaction. His face was neutral at first but he smiled a little after a moment.

 _A little bit. But miss you too._

Oh. So he missed her too? I couldn't really blame him, they had been dating for years and were best friends. Jett and I been the same way during the best part of our relationship. But this just made me feel guilty. I never wanted to be the girl who broke up a couple. That was the last thing I needed after the video and while I tried to make a comeback. He tucked his phone into his pocket, he held onto my hand and kissed the back of it. I shifted a bit, just because I needed something to get my mind off of the interview and texts.

"Shit, did I wake you?"

I looked up and saw him smiling down at me. "N-No, you're good."

The movie dragged on but I didn't watch any of it. All I could think about was what my next step was. Kendall could be with Jo if he wanted to. They had been dating longer than we had been sleeping together, or whatever we were doing. But still, I was really starting to fall for him and I didn't want this to blow up in my face.

The movie ended and James got up and stretched claiming he needed a nap. Carlos and Logan wanted to find something to do later so they went out to the kitchen to research it. That left Kendall and me alone in the back lounge. I sat up and he leaned in to kiss me, I turned my head.

"You okay?"

My only response was a shrug and he frowned at me. He stared at my face, trying to figure out what I was thinking.

"Elle? What's wrong?"

I looked up at the ceiling and sighed. "I've worked really hard on my album and fixing my image."

"Yeah, of course. You're doing a great job."

"When things first fell apart I was called every name in the book. I promised myself I wouldn't let myself get called those things again. And even before then I never wanted to be _that_ girl."

"What girl?"

I shifted and played with my fingers. "I don't want to be the girl who breaks up a couple."

This didn't answer his question because his eyebrows were still drawn together. "What couple?"

"You and Jo." I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "Today during that interview you said the person you were dating wouldn't be happy if you and I were a thing. And I saw you texting Jo. I don't care who you're with but I won't be the girl who's a homewrecker. I just won't."

"Me and Jo?"

So, he was going to play dumb? I shook my head and pushed myself off the couch, I crossed my arms. I didn't have time for this, I didn't want it to be a fight but I needed to know the truth. I didn't mince words as I spoke.

"Yeah, I thought you were on a break."

"Oh, the texts from just now?" He carded his fingers through his hair, realizing what I was talking about. "Elle, listen-"

There was a lump in my throat. "I won't break up a couple."

"Jo and I- there's nothing between us." He held my arms. "Listen to me, there's nothing there. We're not a couple. I only said those things because of exactly what you just said. If people found out we were together and that Jo and I split up, they'd blame you. They'd say you broke us up. I don't want that for you. So I kept it vague and made it sound like I was taken."

He waited for me to say something but I was wary. He sighed and stared at me, his face was honest and his voice emphatic as he spoke.

"You've been working so hard on your comeback. I don't want any of my drama to get in the way of that. It's not fair to you. So I took the attention away from you. And those texts? She texted me first and I only replied to be nice. I swear you're not going to be that girl or whatever."

I felt immense relief at this. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're working so hard babe, I don't want to fuck it up for you." He seemed sheepish and his face was red. "Actually, I asked Kelly how to handle the press and stuff. I don't ever want to get in the way of what you do."

A thrill went through me at the word babe and my sour mood softened. It was incredibly sweet of him to be so concerned about my career and to try to help me through it. I felt foolish for overreacting like I had. He was grinning at me, his face was kind.

"I'm crazy about you Elle. I just don't want what I do to affect you."

My lips pressed against his and I smiled. "Thank you, this all means a lot to me."

"Although, the fans are right. We do look good together."

I reached for my phone and pulled up something I saw earlier. It had made me smile and bury my face in my pillow out of embarrassment. I held my phone out to Kendall.

"They are. Look at this."

Onscreen was a picture of me at the Orlando award show. Kendall and I were onstage and I was giving my speech. Kendall was standing next to me, he had a lovesick grin on his face and hearts in his eyes. It was the way any girl would want to be looked at. I read the caption out loud, I had committed it to memory.

"When the whole world is looking at her, he looks at her like she's the whole world. Seriously, I ship #Kendelle more than anything else, how he looks at her gives me chest pains."

Kendall was quiet and wet his lips. When his eyes met mine he had an expression similar to the one he had in the photo. "Wow."

"They think we're cute, they want us to be together."

He returned my phone and held my waist. "We are cute and you're blushing."

"Am not."

He tucked my hair behind my ear and held my face. "You're beautiful."

I wanted to sink into him but I stopped myself. "We should keep things to a minimum in public, just until the tour is over."

He let out an exaggerated groan. "I think I'll be able to manage but it's going to be hard."

The awkward mood that had settled over us just moments before had vanished. I laughed and let him kiss me gently. I was never one to get tongue tied and mushy over a guy but a nervous electricity crackled in my veins.

"You won't even try for me?" I teased, tapping him on the nose. "I thought you looked at me like I was the whole world."

"I do." He rolled his eyes good-naturedly and tightened his hold on me. "And I'd do anything for you, Eleanor."

* * *

A day off on tour was never really a day off. There were always interviews, songs to record, or some kind of social media promotion to be done. Gustavo and I spent the better part of the afternoon working on the two songs he was going to take the lead on. Working with someone so iconic was still mind-blowing and it was easy to see why he was so legendary. The smallest idea for a lyric quickly blossomed into a full song. I hummed a small tune and Gustavo could hear the whole track in his head. Working so closely with him was an honor, something I never thought would happen when I was in hiding.

"I think we made a good dent in this today. The first song is pretty much written and I'll come up with some rough tracks with the band." Gustavo announced putting down his pen and pushing away from the table. "I'll get back to you with the rest of the second song and hopefully we'll record in Philly."

"Sounds like a plan, thanks, Gustavo."

I gathered my things and headed to the door, Carlos and Logan wanted to check out the beach now that it was cooler. I was trying to remember where my swimsuit had gone when I found Kelly.

"Kelly, I have a question."

"What's up?"

I trusted Kendall but I wanted to be sure. "Did you help Kendall figure out what to say about us?"

She laughed for a moment. "Don't tell him I told you but he was really flustered about it. He said he didn't want to fuck anything up for you, I think his exact words were, 'because she's working so hard and I can't ruin that for her'. He said it was really important that any rumors don't get out of hand."

"Well, thank you. I really appreciate it."

"Anytime and for what it's worth he gets this dopey look on his face when he talks about you."

It was my turn to have a stupid smile as I thanked her again. Hearing it from someone else made what he did that much sweeter. So when I joined him and the guys, I took his hand in mine.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

I simply shrugged and kissed his cheek. "For what you said earlier. For wanting my comeback to go well."

A smile spread across his face and he hugged me. "I told you I'd do anything for you. Don't mention it."

* * *

It was evening when we finally made it to the beach. The sun wasn't beating down on us and most of the tourists had cleared out for the day. The guys were happy to splash around in the water but I hung back on the sand and read. I watched as Kendall messed around with his friends, throwing his head back with laughter. It was by far one of the best sounds I had ever heard. I took a few pictures when they weren't looking. I wanted to remember this summer forever and had been taking pictures throughout. I was stretched out on my towel, watching the waves roll in. The sun was setting slowly but surely, bathing us in a golden light.

Kendall sat down next to me, shaking out his wet hair. We were in a fairly empty part of the beach and the people that were there were well into their retirement years. It was safe to say Kendall hadn't remembered our conversation from earlier, and if he had he didn't care. His put his arm around me once again and moved closer. When I looked up he was taking a picture of me and I gave him the finger. He pushed me and pestered me into posing for a picture. His lips were pressed to my cheek.

"Having fun?"

"It's peaceful that's for sure. Well before you came and tried to take my picture." I answered and nodded to his friends who were tossing around a football. "They seem to be having fun. Are you?"

"Sitting with you, at the beach, on a day off? I'm miserable." His tone was dripping with sarcasm and I shoved him. "How could I not enjoy myself? I have you next to me."

I rested my head on his shoulder. "Glad I can entertain you."

"How long has it been since Florida?"

"Three weeks or close to it anyways," I answered and turned away from watching the ocean. "Why?"

He stood up and brushed the sand off him. "How about we get out of here?"

I took his hand and he helped me gather my stuff. We trudged through the sand laughing as we slipped a few times. When we made it to the boardwalk we put on sunglasses but he kept a hold of my hand.

"What are we doing?" I asked through a chuckle as he led me down the path.

"I just realized it's been three weeks since we started sleeping together and even longer since we finally stopped lying to ourselves." He explained as we passed several small shops and stalls. "And I haven't taken you anywhere. I don't know anything about you really."

This was true, most of the things we had learned about each other came from interviews. I was still laughing and I held up my hands, unsure of what he wanted. "Ask me anything."

He snapped his fingers as we stopped in front of a food stall. "Favorite ice cream flavor?"

"Banana."

"One banana and one cookie dough, please." He fished money from his wallet and leaned against the counter as we waited. "When's your birthday?"

I took the cone and thanked the girl behind the counter. "December 19th. Why do you think I like winter so much? When's yours?"

"November 2nd."

"A Scorpio, that explains a lot honestly." He made a face so I continued. "You're a leader."

We continued our walk asking questions between licks. He thought it was cute that I checked my horoscope every day.

"Where do you want to travel? And not just go on tour there, but actually see the sights."

My answer was immediate. "Paris. I've been a few times but I want to disappear there for a while. How about you?"

"Japan, no question."

It turned out Kendall and I were more similar than I had thought. We both wanted to help the environment, we shared the same dream of having our own record labels and both liked horror novels. I asked him about growing up in Minnesota and what he really thought about Hollywood.

"It's changed my whole life so I'm grateful. But sometimes I miss how easy things were back home, much less drama. I'd probably be in the NHL as a center by now of the band hadn't happened. Before BTR, I was being scouted by a few schools."

I tried to picture Kendall as a college student. I could see him joining a fraternity and studying with Logan in the library. "What would you have studied?"

"Business? Maybe Psychology. What about you?"

"English for sure. I wanted to be a teacher if I wasn't doing this. But I wouldn't have met you if I hadn't been famous."

He squeezed my hair and continued questioning me. He grilled me about my childhood best friend, a girl named Jessica who I still kept in touch with. What was the ultimate goal of my career, it was a Grammy for Album of the Year. And if I could know one thing about the future what would it be. I had to think about that for a while. We walked in silence, our ice cream slowly melting.

"I would say when I die but that's morbid." I wondered out loud and stopped to lean against a railing. "Maybe if I ended up happy. That way I'd know no matter what things would be okay."

He stood next to me and sat on the ledge. "That's fair."

A question popped into my head and my voice was teasing. "What's your middle name?"

"Donald." He cringed at this. "It was my grandfather's name."

"We both sound like old people. Eleanor and Donald."

He shoved me. "We'd be a cute old couple."

"Speaking of old, what are you going to do when you're old with tattoos?"

"What do you mean? I'll be a badass grandpa obviously."

The thought of a grey-haired Kendall with a sleeve full of ink was amusing and I pointed to the one on his wrist. "I like this one a lot and the sugar skull one."

"This is for the fans actually. They always make bracelets so I got this one as a symbol."

I ran my fingers over his skin. "I bought you one would you wear it?"

"Maybe."

That's all it took for me to drag him into a shop. It was a tiny thing, one of those touristy places that sold cheap souvenirs. I tried on a large sun hat and smiled as Kendall took my picture. I grabbed him a matching one and we took a selfie. I looked through the shelves of tee shirts, beach towels, and seashells. The two of us agreed to buy the other one a souvenir. I was satisfied with two small black and white string bracelets. One for me and one for him, it was cheesy but I couldn't keep the smile off my face as I handed over the money for them. We met back outside the shop, small paper bags in hand.

"One, two, three."

I opened the bag and found a small keychain that had my name on it. The other side was a photo of the beach. I clipped it onto my bag right away, Kendall had the same idea about matching gifts because he had one too. He rolled his eyes and laughed as he saw the bracelets.

"We match, it's cute. You had the same idea." I defended as I tied it on his wrist. "Besides, I'm more than a fan. I don't think the tattoo does me justice."

He scoffed at this and tied mine on. "I'd say you're in your own categories when it comes to fans. Thank you, I like it a lot."

Speaking of fans, we hadn't run into any since coming to the beach. I wondered if that had to do with the time of day and our sunglasses. I loved meeting fans and interacting with them. Especially since they had stood by me during everything, but it was nice to be unseen for once. But when Kendall and I were sat at a table sharing pizza and waiting for the guys, I wasn't too upset when a few younger girls came up to us.

"Elle?" One asked shyly, "Is that you?"

I smiled and wiped my mouth clean. "Hi, how are you?"

They all shrieked and started talking at once. "We're okay."

"S-Sorry to bother you guys but we thought it was you. We went to your show last night, it was really good."

"Hey thanks, I'm glad you had a good time." Kendall greeted with a wave.

One girl was clearly the bravest because after her friends whispered to her she giggled. "Uh, my friends and I totally ship you guys."

"Ship us?" Kendall questioned.

"We think you two are cute together. People are calling it Kendelle, get it? Kendall and Elle combined is Kendelle."

My face was warm and Kendall cleared his throat. "Sorry girls, we're just friends."

They seemed a little disappointed by Kendall's answer so I gave them a dramatic whisper. "His friends are much cuter."

"Speak of the devils and they shall come." He muttered and pointed behind the girls. "Look who it is."

The girls turned, screeching again at the sight of the other three-fourths of Big Time Rush. We all grouped together for some pictures and autographs and I took the time to take a solo picture with each of them. They thanked us profusely before saying they needed to get home. As they walked away I let out a breath of relief. I was grateful they hadn't seen Kendall and I holding hands or anything. I really wanted to keep this private for as long as possible. While the guys were eating Kendall whispered to me.

"I think we're cute together." He said grabbing my hand. "I mean we have matching bracelets for fuck's sake."

My lips curled into a smirk. "You heard what I said your friends are cuter."

He glanced around and kissed my hair, leaning his head on me. "Liar."

"Fine, you caught me." I hummed. "You are pretty cute."

* * *

Now that we had finished the southern leg of the Count Me In Tour, we were headed to the Northeast. The drive from Maryland to Philadelphia was only two hours but part of the highway had been closed because of an accident. After washing the sand and salt from our bodies everyone settled in. The sun had gone down but it wasn't too late, it was just after midnight. Logan, James and Carlos were getting high and playing a video game in the back.

"You should wear that all the time."

I jumped and saw Kendall sitting in the kitchen's booth. I just showered and pulled on an oversized Big Time Rush teeshirt I had stolen from their merch table. It covered my thighs and slipped off my shoulder.

"Should I?" I asked reaching for a bottle of water.

He nodded, his eyes trailing over my bare legs. "Something about my face on you is hot. It's the better version of you wearing my clothes."

"You're ridiculous. I had a good time today, it was fun." My voice trailed off.

"I'm sensing a but."

I fiddled with the cap of my water. "Like I said, it was fun. But maybe we should try to be private about it like we agreed on earlier. Those fans could have seen us kissing or holding hands We have to act like we're just friends."

He swung his legs out of the booth and stood up. He towered over me and held my hips. "I know. I'm sorry, it's just hard to not be near you. But I promise from now on I'll keep my hands to myself."

"Just in public." I reminded him gently. "Don't think I don't have trouble keeping my hands to myself either."

He bent down to kiss me. "That's reassuring."

"Trust me, between those eyes and your dimples it's a struggle."

This embarrassed him because he scratched his head and laughed. "So would my bunk be private enough for the two of us?"

"Friends can share a bunk."

He led the way and help me climb up. We picked a movie to watch on his laptop. He rested it on his stomach and held me against his chest. Spending time with Kendall was relaxing. He ran his hand up and down my back and pressed the occasionally kiss to my hair. In a way, this meant more than the sex did. It proved what Kendall and I had was deeper than our physical connection. Looking back, it seemed like Jett never wanted to do anything intimate that didn't involve taking our clothes off. But Kendall was more than happy to lay in bed together. I finally felt safe again.

I was falling for him. Hard.

My eyes had grown heavy and we yawned at the same time. He shut his laptop and pulled the blanket over my shoulders. His thumb brushed across my cheek and down to my bottom lip. He gave me that fucking smile, all sweet and full of dimples. His green eyes were warm and his voice was hushed.

"You're so beautiful."

He leaned down to kiss me. It was tender and romantic, his arm circled my waist and I was pressed against him. I smiled and ran my hand up the back of his neck and into his hair. When we parted, there may as well have been hearts in his eyes.

"Night, Kendall," I said quietly.

"Goodnight, Elle."

He reached up to turn off the light. His hand reached down to find mine. Our fingers were intertwined, my head was resting on his chest. The rocking of the bus lulled us to sleep. We laid there in the dark, our hearts beating to the same steady rhythm. As if we were one.

* * *

AN: Kendelle seems to be really falling for each other. And Elle feels safe enough to have sex again and a lot of it at that. My favorite parts were the morning after scene, the scene on the bus when they hooked up on the counter, when Kendall tells Elle he wants to protect her image and the beach date. I just felt like they needed to go on a date since they've been hooking up for a couple weeks. What were your favorite parts?

This chapter was a bit longer because I will not be updating next week. I will be out of town and the next group of chapters is really, really important. I want to have a little extra time to get them just right. I hope this long, smutty and fluffy chapter tides you over until the week of the 25th. We are reaching the main action (laughs evilly) and I'm excited for you guys to read it.

Looking ahead, chapter 21 features Kendall and Elle trying to maintain their public images. It will be fun, trust me.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you liked best and please stay tuned until the week after next.

See you soon and thank you!


	21. Chapter 21

AN: I'm back! I'm cutting it close to midnight but here I am. Thanks so much for your reviews last time and for waiting an extra week. This chapter jumps around a bit because I just wrote it today. I've been really busy with work. This chapter follows Kendelle in Philly and them trying to look like they're just friends. But Elle has a few tricks up her sleeves. I hope you enjoy this chapter, we are super close to the peak of this story and I'm so excited. I hope you enjoy and please review. Thanks!

* * *

Philadelphia was the city of 'Brotherly Love' and a place I had been excited to see. All the other times a tour had brought me here the schedule was too packed for touristy stuff. But Liz shifted some things around so I had free time. I had an early start today and managed to record one of the songs Gustavo had written. I was grateful there was time left for us to explore.

But not _that_ grateful because it felt my lungs were going to explode.

The guys and I had just raced to the top of the stairs at the museum, just like the movie Rocky. We all hunched over, trying to catch our breaths.

"Fuck, I thought being on stage was a workout." I huffed.

Logan was still panting and sat on the steps next to Carlos. "Apparently not enough."

"You guys are babies." James laughed, wiping his forehead and flexing. "That was easy."

Kendall gave him the finger. "You train like fucking Rocky, we don't."

"What can I say, my life has been leading to this moment."

We all laid in a sweaty heap, the sun beating down on us. It had been nearly three months since we had all met and they had quickly become my closest friends. It was comfortable and familiar. But when Kendall looped his fingers through mine and gave me a worn-out smile, it was unfamiliar but in the best way.

"I think we earned a cheesesteak." Carlos declared, pushing himself to his feet. "Let's go."

After a well-earned lunch, we toured Independence Hall and made our way to the iconic Love Stamp. Kendall made sure to pull me into a selfie in front of it. A few fans stopped us for a quick picture and thankfully, no one told us they thought Kendall and I were a cute couple. So far, acting like we were just friends wasn't too terrible. 24 hours in and I had managed to keep my hands to myself. Kendall was a different story. Since the weather was nice, we decided to walk back to the venue instead of calling for a car. His fingers kept brushing against mine as we strolled and I had to step away from him when he tried to put his arm around me.

"What?" He pouted.

I looked around, trying to see if anyone noticed who we were. "Not in public remember?"

He groaned and shook his head. "Yeah, sorry."

"Don't be, like you said you want this summer to be about the music." I let a sneaky smile pull at my face. "It's not like I don't want to put my hands on you."

Kendall shook his head as we showed the security guard our badges. Once the heavy door closed behind us he took my hand, leading me to my dressing room. He smacked my ass and pressed me against the door. I was about to chide him but his kiss stopped me.

"We're not in public now." His voice was low and teasing. "We can do whatever we want."

"Oh yeah?"

His hand went to my hip and he kissed my neck. "Yeah."

"I have to- I have to record." I moaned at the feeling of his hot lips on my skin. "I can't right now."

Kendall hung his head dramatically and rubbed his hand over his face. "You're killing me, Elle."

"Well, if you behave yourself while I record I might have a surprise for you later."

He raised an eyebrow at this. "What might that be?"

"Patience is a virtue, Kendall," I told him, glancing over my shoulder and giving a wink. "But I think you'll like it."

He followed me to the door of the studio bus and cocked his head. "So am I allowed in this time? You've been so secretive."

Over the past week I had been recording a new song and like the guys, I wanted alone time to do it. I had finished it after a show a few nights back and if everything worked out I'd perform it tonight. But for right now I had scheduled studio time with Gustavo to record the second song he had written for me.

"You wanted alone time to record Hot Summer. And besides, you were asleep when I went to record with Gustavo this morning." I pointed out as I dropped off my things. "I tried waking you."

This must have amused him because he chuckled. "Of course I was asleep, you wore me out."

We walked back outside towards the studio bus. "Poor baby."

"So can I come in or not?" He leaned against the bus and folded his arms. "Please, I love watching you work."

"Only if you don't distract me. Gustavo wrote these songs and I don't want to fuck it up." I admitted anxiously. "I know I've worked with him all summer but this is really important."

He held up his hands. "Babe, relax. You won't even know I'm there."

* * *

Kendall may not have distracted me, but I definitely was distracting _him_. Through the panel of glass that separated the recording booth from the rest of the bus, I watched as he tried to write. He worked for a few minutes but then he'd stare at me and his cheeks would flush. My smile was flirty and I waited for Gustavo to finish listening to what I had worked on so far. My phone buzzed in my pocket.

 _If you could stop looking at me like that, it'd be great_

Kendall's text made me snicker and I typed a quick reply. _Like what?_

 _Like you want to take off my clothes and do it on this couch._

 _Well, I do want to take off your clothes and we've already done it there. Stop thinking about me, it's not my fault. Besides you're the one staring Kendork._

Kendall rolled his eyes at me. _The song isn't exactly helping._

"Elle let's take it from the middle of the chorus. I had some feedback from the mic last time." Gustavo's voice came through my headphones. "Whenever you're ready."

I tapped the beat of the song against my leg and counted myself in. "If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?"

The song Gustavo had written was sexy, it was about getting lost in the moment with someone. It was fitting for Kendall and I. Especially when our eyes met, they were dark and he had a smirk on his face. The song had a Dubstep, electronic sound that was new for me. But I trusted Gustavo's judgment, the first song he had written for me was similar. This one was my favorite though. The lyrics were catchy and the beat drop was killer. I couldn't wait to dance to it on stage.

"You feel like paradise and I need a vacation tonight."

After recording a lot of breathy backup vocals and making sure to give Kendall a few extra smiles, I felt good enough to take a break. Gustavo was going to listen to what we had so far and tweak the arrangement if needed.

"Elle, you know I'll let you be a part of the mixing and production." Gustavo was surprisingly in a good mood. "Rest your voice, we have the next award show in three days. We can't have you lose your voice."

"Are you sure? I mean I can stay and help if you need it."

Kendall was already guiding me out of the booth. "You heard him, rest your voice."

Groaning, I gave in and thanked Gustavo for everything. Kendall hustled me out of the bus and wrapped his arms around me from behind. We shuffled awkwardly into the venue, laughing the whole time.

"My voice is fine."

He tutted at this as he fixed me a cup of tea. "I don't know babe, you've been pretty loud."

"And who's fault is that?" I slapped his arm. "You're the one who woke me up last night."

Kendall and I had fallen asleep after watching a movie last night. But after a few hours, I had woken up to his dick pressed against my thigh. Needless to say, we didn't go back to sleep until the early hours of the morning. I took the steaming cup of tea and raised it in a cheer.

"Thank you."

Since we started dating, Kendall and I tried to hang out in my dressing room. We didn't want to be obnoxious in BTR's room and we liked the privacy. I settled on my couch and cleared my throat a little. Kendall was fiddling with my guitar and I was resting my eyes.

"Are you okay? Elle?"

I opened one eye. "Hmm?"

"I said, are you okay? You don't look well."

If I was being honest, I was feeling a little rundown. I had always been lucky that I only got a cold one time per tour. And it felt like I would be sick any day now.

"My head kind of hurts, my stomach's been sick and my throat hurts," I admitted as I sat up. "I think it's from eating nothing but fast food and the change in the weather. And it's fucking cold in here."

"You know I can cook? I'll have to make you something back in LA." He put the guitar down and let me curl into his side. "I mean I can only make pasta but it's something."

This was the first time he had mentioned anything going on after the tour. We were halfway through and would finish up in the Northeast before hitting Canada and the West Coast. The fact that Kendall still wanted to be with me after the summer made me smile into his shoulder.

"That would be nice. I can't believe we're already going to the Young Hollywood Awards in a few days. It's going by so quickly."

"Well spending it with you is definitely a perk." Kendall took my hands into his and kissed the back of one. "It's weird they call it the Young Hollywood Awards even though it's in New York."

"Liz said it's because the company wants to launch a New York headquarters. I don't give a shit though as long as we all win."

He raised an eyebrow at this. "Mmm, someone is competitive."

"I am. I'm up for Best Video, or should I say we are? Then there's Summer Single for Strange Love."

Kendall counted on his fingers. "We're up for the Group Single for Hot Summer and Favorite Group. We're tied."

"I'm excited about your new video. I better get to be in it."

"Gustavo and Griffin agreed. Sadly, we can't make out but I think we'll manage."

My door swung open and the guys walked in. Logan was dragging Carlos who was covering his face.

"I told you they weren't fucking."

Carlos uncovered his eyes. "Listen, I'm still haunted by Kendall's ass. I'm not opening any doors for the rest of tour."

"Can we help you?" Kendall asked he feigned annoyance. "We're a little busy."

James sat down next to us. "Yes, because you're so into each other and need to spend every second together."

"We have a meet and greet. Some kids won a contest or something." Logan explained. "Did you forget?."

"Shit. I love them all I really do. But I'm sick and look terrible." I gestured to his hoodie and my shorts I was wearing. "Let me change."

Kendall kissed my temple. "You look fine, come on."

"You're just saying that," I whined as he pulled me to my feet. "You're dressed so much better than I am."

He squeezed my hips and leaned into my ear. "I'm not just saying that. You look great in anything, I mean you look best without your clothes. But I'll settle for you wearing my sweatshirt."

His scruff tickled my face and I squealed a little. "You'd love to see me without clothes I'm sure."

"I would. You're right." His voice was low. "I can tell you're thinking about seeing me."

"We have to go meet fans and act like we're friends."

He cursed under his breath. "It's going to be hard."

"You have to."

"I guess I'll try to survive."

I let Kendall push my hair behind my ear and kiss me. It was charged and I wanted nothing more than to sink into. But a collection of groans made me turn my head.

"You guys are worse than Logan and Camille were." James elbowed his way between us. "Kendall, we get it you're crazy about her."

The way Kendall simply shrugged and chuckled made me blush. He couldn't find the words so he just smiled at me as James led him from the room.

"Is he really?" I asked quietly.

Logan and Carlos nodded at the same time. "Definitely."

"Seriously when you're onstage and he's watching you he looks like a moron," Carlos confessed as he threw his arm around me. "I'm happy for you, but for the love of god send me a text next time."

"Can't make any promises!" Kendall called from the hallway. "Neither can she."

* * *

Meeting fans was one of the best parts of my job. The fact that people would travel for hours or even days to see me was flattering. Even after the Jett incident, my hiatus and everything in between they still stuck by me. So I was more than happy to spend an hour hugging and talking to them. And for the most part, Kendall and I managed to keep things under control.

But only for the most part.

It was a casual meet and greet. The five of us and the fans were all hanging out in a green room. There were no lines or quick conversations, it was relaxed. Which meant Kendall would walk by me and whisper into my ear when no one was looking.

"Can't wait to get you out of those clothes."

Twenty minutes later he pretended to stretch and grabbed a handful of my ass. My stomach was in a knot and from across the room he tugged at the front of his pants. A fan was going on about her favorite Big Time Rush song to me and Logan. I sighed and pulled off the sweatshirt, revealing the tight fitting tank top I had on. I rolled my shoulders and bit my lip. Kendall's eyes grew and clenched his fist.

"I'm going to grab some water, do you want some?"

The fan nodded and I promised her I'd be right back. I sauntered across the room to where Kendall was standing. In a weird way, it was like when we first started the tour. We were flirting to rile each other up. It was a game we knew well, but this time I knew we'd act on our feelings. My new song was going to be perfect to perform after today.

"Hey, sorry guys. I just need some water." I excused myself as I squeezed through some fans and Kendall. "Sorry, it's just so hot in here. Are you guys hot?"

"A little." Kendall sounded strained.

I leaned over the table to grab to bottles and saw how Kendall's eyes wandered. I rubbed a bottle over my neck and chest, letting a bead of water rolled down. He shook his head at me when I gave a smug smile. I made my way back to the fan and Logan, Kendall's eyes burned a hole in my back the entire time.

"That was fun," I told Liz as we waved to the fans as they left. "We should do meet and greets like that more often."

"We should. I think they enjoyed the relaxed setting." She looked at her watch. "You need to change and warm up. You're on in an hour, also Gustavo gave the final okay for your new song."

My face lit up. "This day just keeps getting better."

Liz gave an exasperated sigh. "Go warm up and stay out of trouble."

"Only because you asked so nicely Liz."

I made my way down the long hall to my dressing room. The backstage area before show time was always so exciting. It felt like Christmas Eve when you're a kid. Everyone was happy and the anticipation was building. Between recording two new songs, getting to premiere a new one and spending the day with fans and friends, I was in a great mood.

"Jesus!" I jumped and clutched my chest. "What is your problem?"

Kendall was sitting on my couch, his arms folded. "Are you _trying_ to get under my skin?"

"I am. You're the one who wanted to take my clothes off." I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Don't be dramatic."

He climbed to his feet, towering over me. "You're the only one who took off their fucking shirt."

"It was hot," I said innocently. "I wasn't going to overheat."

"You're impossible."

We glared at each other, Kendall's face was full of irritation. But soon enough the corner of his mouth quivered and we both burst into giggles. He hugged me before kissing my lips and neck. His hand came up to squeeze my breasts.

"I swear you're going to drive me crazy Eleanor." He muttered into my ear. "Absolutely insane."

My thumb stroked across his cheek. "You know I love a good game."

"Oh? Do you want to play a game? I hate to burst your bubble but I'm going to win."

"We'll see about that. I have a little surprise for you, I think you'll like it."

"If you say so." His hands wandered up my sides and into my hair. "I think I'll like anything you do."

The clock over his shoulder told me I didn't have long to get ready and warm up. I held his chin and kissed him, my forehead pressed to his.

"I have to change. I'd say you can stay but we're just friends."

He shook his head at me. "Fine, I'll go. But I bet I can keep this just friends charade up longer than you can."

My brown eyes caught his green ones in the mirror. I gave him a wicked smile. "Not a chance."

* * *

Even though I had been feeling under the weather earlier in the day, the show was flawless. The fans were loud and energetic and I hit every note. It was one of those performances an artist would want to have every night. I was saving my new song for the second to last, I wanted to keep Kendall in suspense for as long as possible.

"Everyone give it up for my friend Kendall!" I announced and reached out to him. "Come out here!"

The crowd cheered at the sight of him. He strutted out looking smug and confident. He pulled me into a half hug and brushed his lips over my ear.

"Still waiting on that surprise."

"Patience Kendork," I whispered back. "You'll see."

The all too familiar music kicked in and it brought a smile to my face. I could hear Kendall's voice as he sang the lyrics for the first time when we had been writing the song. I could feel his dick press against my thigh when we had filmed the music video. And now, I could see the way his eyes roamed over my body. It wasn't malicious or condescending. It was just him.

"Oh, whoa, oh. Anything could happen on a night like this." He tried to touch me but I spun out of his reach. "On a night like this."

During the interlude, I made a point to bend over and touch some fans' hands. When I stood back up I caught Kendall with a grin on his face. It was a pleasant version of the game we were playing. It may not have been as bold but it was entertaining.

"I could almost feel the weight of her kiss on my lips." Kendall was quieter than normal, his eyes were fixed to mine. "Anything could happen on a night like this."

The music faded and the screaming fans were just background noise. Kendall clapped for me and I thanked him for coming out. He gave me a second hug and whispered once more.

"So much for your surprise."

I shook my head. "Watch the rest of my set."

"Only because you asked so nicely."

And he stayed, he watched the next five songs with more interest than usual. There was always a quick change before my last song. But I changed one song earlier tonight. For some reason, my stomach felt full of butterflies. I wasn't quite sure why I was making a big deal of teasing Kendall with the new song. Maybe it was because he surprised me with his new one back in DC and maybe it was because we were having fun taunting each other. Either way, I was excited. So when the small lift brought me back up to the stage my heart was pounding.

"Elle! Elle! Elle!" The fans cheered as I was slowly revealed.

My smile was bright and a tad smug when I looked over at Kendall. He blinked hard and his eyes trailed up and down my body. I had put on one of the outfits I had originally deemed too revealing before tour. It was gold and tight, my chest spilled out and my stomach was bare.

"If it's okay with you guys, I thought I'd share a new song before I go."

The music was sultry and the stage was bathed in a warm light. I gave a wink to where Kendall was standing. I shook my hips in time to the beat.

"If I had it my way I would take you down, if my body had a say I would come again." I looked over at Kendall my eyes not leaving his. "And our eyes are crossing paths across the room and there's only one thing left for us to do."

I gripped my mic and ground my hips against it. "You can touch me with slow hands, speed it up baby make me sweat. Take me there because I want your sex."

With my mic in hand, I moved across the stage, running my hand over my inner thigh, up my body, and into my hair. I sunk to my knees as if I was on top of someone. My voice was low and sexy, I kept looking back to Kendall as I gyrated. His fists were clenched and he was biting his lip.

"If I had it my way I would take you deep, I would get it off my chest, show you all the red lace underneath this dress." I tossed my hair over my shoulder and rocked my hips back and forth. Kendall's mouth was open and his eyes were stuck on me so I winked. "There's only one thing left for us to do."

When I stood up I did it slowly, rolling my body and running my hand over my sides. I pointed in his direction and fanned myself as I sang.

"Speed it up baby make me sweat, take me there because I want your sex. If my body had a say I would do just what I want too."

The fans were loving it, they were louder than they had been all night. My grin was huge and satisfied especially when I saw Kendall sigh. His face was red and mouth hung open. Even from here I could see how bothered he was. My voice was breathy for the next part.

"Can't feel what my body say, but I'm gonna show you anyways. Yeah, I'm gonna show you anyway." I held out a long note and ran my hand through my hair. "You can touch me with slow hands, speed it up baby make me sweat.

The music swelled as we reached the peak of the song, the drums and bassline were strong. I danced with abandon now. It was all hips and grinding, the fans were losing it.

"Baby if my body had a say I would do just what I want too."

I was a little out of breath and blew a kiss as the room filled with screams and shrieks. I licked my lips and laughed a little at both their response and Kendall's. His friends were jostling him and his mouth was a thin line. My final song seemed to drag on forever and when it was finally done I took a bow.

"Thank you so much, Philly!" I shouted. "Get ready for my friends Big Time Rush!"

With that, I dashed off the stage. I made my way through the guys and Liz and the crew who all congratulated me. When I finally saw Kendall he was flustered it looked like he had completely messed his hair up and his eyes were wide. I gave a small wave of my fingers and swept past him. His hand was firm around my wrist. He half guided and half dragged me to my dressing room.

"Where's the fire?" I asked coolly.

He shut the door and scratched his jaw. "Y-You call that being just friends?"

"I told you I had a surprise."

I let out a small gasp when he pushed me onto the couch. His tongue brushed against mine. I pulled his shirt off over his head clawed at his back. Kendall broke our kissed and moved one of my fingers to his crotch. He ripped my skimpy stage outfit off with his bare hands leaving me exposed.

"Kendall." I groaned as his fingers wandered past my stomach. "Shit."

His face was buried in my neck and his other hand roughly grabbed at my chest. His kisses were intense and heavy. I pushed his pants down his legs and we kicked off our shoes. He stood up just long enough to step out of his pants. I inhaled sharply as the sight of him, from his mussed blonde hair, full, pink mouth and all the way down to where he guided my hand. My knees fell open and I pulled him down on top of me.

"You have any idea what you do to me, Len?" He questioned, his breath tickled my ear. "Do you know what that outfit, your body, and that song did to me?"

I giggled a little and kissed his neck. "I have a few ideas."

"Gonna have to be quick for now." His breathing was already heavy as I pumped my hand. "You're so fucking sexy."

The feeling of his fingers was almost enough for me but not quite. My voice was whiny and I pulled his hair, my head tossed from side to side.

"P-Please, Kendall. Can't wait anymore." My heart was pounding in my chest and I arched my body towards him. "I need you right now."

He nodded and held my hand over my head, our fingers intertwined. He lowered himself on top of me and I nodded, not able to wait any longer. When he broke our kiss again I cried out.

"C-Condom?" He muttered and looked around the room. "Shit."

I shook my head desperate for any sort of contact. "S'okay. I'm on the pill. We've done this before. Just fuck me."

This was enough for him because he sank his body into mine. He let out a low hiss at the feeling and I wrapped my legs around him. Our eyes were locked in a tense stare. He snapped his hips and I was already rocking my body into his. His lips were all over my face and neck. I was pressed into the couch and let out a series of high pitched cries and gasps.

"Fuck, Kendall. Feels so good, you're so good." I chanted as I tightened my legs around him. "S-Shit Kendall."

His grin was smug but his voice was tense. "This what you wanted? You teased me all day, finally got what you wanted."

I couldn't form words and gripped the arm of the couch. It was too good and I was overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. I kissed him furiously, my hands tangling in his hair. I could feel his pulse when I kissed his neck. It was impossibly fast. I could smell his soap and taste the hint of nicotine on his tongue.

His words trembled. "Oh shit, E-Eleanor. So beautiful, so pretty."

Kendall's hips pounded erratically, growing sloppy and frantic. Heat pooled in my stomach and I cried out. My body convulsed and I squeezed my eyes shut as all my nerves were thrummed with electricity. Kendall wasn't far behind because his hips jerked and his movement grew faster as he kissed me.

"Oh god, _fuck_ Elle." He was out of breath and his hand gripped my wrist. He gave a final thrust and grunted as his hips spasmed against mine. "So good, so perfect."

He gave me a final kiss before rolling off of me and onto the couch. His face shone with sweat and he chuckled to himself.

"You drive me fucking crazy." He declared as he cupped my face and kissed me. "Completely wild."

I carded my hand through his sweaty hair. His cheeks were red and fanned my hand in front of his face. "Y-You're all I think about."

"So are you." He wet his lips and leaned against the couch. "You're beautiful."

I just smiled and he stood up. He pulled his pants back on and jumped when there was a knock on the door.

"Yeah?"

"Hate to interrupt but you have to be on stage in five minutes!" It was Kelly's voice. "Get out here."

Kendall turned to me and laughed. "Shit, I forgot about the show."

I tossed him his shirt and watched as he redressed. A thrill went through me, he was mine, he wanted to be with me. He seemed to notice I was still naked because he frowned.

"Are you coming?"

"I'll meet you out there. Break a leg."

He ducked down to kiss me and ran his thumb over my bottom lip. "I'm crazy about you Len, I mean it."

* * *

After cleaning up and changing I did a small walk of shame to the stage. Kendall was always happy onstage but tonight he was absolutely ecstatic. He was relaxed and made one joke after the next. When I came out to sing with Big Time Rush his smile was brighter than the stage lights.

"Look who it is Philly. How great was Elle tonight?" He asked, pulling me into a hug. "Isn't she great?"

My face was warm and I pushed him away for the sake of appearances. We kept the flirting and touching to a minimum while we sang. But during our last song, I couldn't help but wink.

"Hey, baby you drive me crazy." I glanced Kendall and my stomach swooped.

Everything went as planned and I hugged each of the guys as I left the stage. But Kendall squeezed my hand before giving me a secret smile. I watched the rest of their set and felt nothing but pride as Kendall gave it his all. I was glad when they finished because Kendall joined me outside to smoke.

"So did you like my song?" I asked, feeling a bit insecure. "It's what I was working on by myself."

He took a long drag before handing it off. "It was great and I'm not saying that just because we had sex afterward."

"That wasn't a bad thing." I joked and blew smoke rings. "It was hot."

Kendall agreed with this and ran his thumb over my neck. "Oops, left a few hickeys."

"I don't mind. I definitely left a few on you."

He leaned against the wall and took my hand. "I am proud of you though. You've been working so damn hard."

"Thank you," I said shyly as I finished off the cigarette. "So have you."

He scoffed at this. "Not as hard as you are. And now we get to go to New York and everyone will see how hard my girl's been working."

The simple act of being called his girl sent a nervous energy through me. I looked up at him through my eyelashes. "Say that again."

Kendall brought both of his hands up to my cheeks and planted a lingering kiss on my lips. I could feel his smile against my face. When he rested his head on mine his green eyes were warm.

"You're my girl. If that's okay with you."

"I'm your girl." I echoed, kissing him back. "It's perfect."

* * *

AN: So I won't lie to you, this chapter was just an excuse to write some Kendelle smut. My only regret is is that this chapter isn't as good as I wanted it to be. That being said, I hope you liked it. My favorite parts were Elle's new song, the sex scene and the scene after the show. I love writing their flirty, sexy and sweet relationship. What was your favorite part? Seriously, please tell me this update wasn't as bad as I thought it was haha. The next update will be better and there's drama. And people from the past make an appearance.

There is also a really big insight into Elle's backstory which I can't wait for you to read. I'm really excited about these next two updates. This was simply the smutty filler that will get us to New York! I hope you enjoyed and I will see you either next week (that's the goal) or the week after that.

Thanks and stay tuned!


	22. Chapter 22

AN: Happy Wednesday! Here I am again getting this up 10 minutes to midnight. Thanks so much for reading the last chapter and welcome back. This one is really long and I'm excited for you to read it. We're now in NYC where things reach a fever pitch. This chapter reveals another part of Elle's story and shows her and Kendall taking on the Big Apple. This chapter could be upsetting for some people so just be careful as you get to the italics, I want everyone to feel safe. This is a really long chapter and I'll explain more at the end. But I hope you enjoy and let me know your favorite part! Thanks, and please review!

* * *

New York had always made me anxious. From the tall buildings that loomed overhead to the hordes of people that you could still be entirely alone in. There was a certain anonymity to it all and I felt like I could disappear into thin air and no one would ever notice.

But when he gave me a smile that cut through the crowd, suddenly, I wasn't alone.

The Big Apple was where we had been for two days and would stay for a few more. And despite my anxieties, the city had treated us well so far. The guys filmed their new music video for Hot Summer yesterday. Today was the second day, it was jammed full of press stops and interviews. Our concerts at Madison Square Garden were sold out for all three nights. We had one show done and two to go. But _tonight_ was the most important part of our New York adventure. It was the Young Hollywood Awards, the second show of the summer. Even though I already won awards in Florida, I was still nervous. I wanted to prove that the first time around hadn't been a fluke. But for the moment I managed to swallow my nerves as I waited behind the curtain.

"You know them, you love them and your kids are probably begging you to buy tickets to see them. We're back with Elle Harper and Big Time Rush!"

The studio audience leaped to their feet as we walked out onto the stage. The lights were bright but my smile was wide as I waved to everyone. The five of us took a seat on the couch and we greeted the hosts. We were promoting our albums and New York concerts on the Today Show. I hadn't done a TV interview like this in a long time.

"You guys can not be more popular, your tour is sold out for all three nights at the Garden. You guys are all winning awards left and right and your new albums come out soon." One of the hosts began. "Is there anything you guys can't do?"

James faked a yawn and laughed. "Sleep. It's been go, go, go all summer."

"We actually filmed our new music video yesterday. It's been nonstop but we love it." Logan pointed to the screen. "Oh look, there we are."

A photo of the video shoot popped up. It had been filmed at a rooftop pool, I had a small cameo as one of the girl's the guys flirted with. The fans in the audience whooped at the sight of them being shirtless. Carlos told a quick story about how directing the video had gone before a photo of me popped up on the monitor. I recognized the outfit I was wearing right away, it was from the night I premiered Body Say. The audience let out various whistles and cheers and my cheeks warmed.

"Savannah and I are _obsessed_ with Body Say and I think the audience feels the same." Kat fanned herself with her notecards. "It's sexy, it's fun, it's flirty."

I stammered for a moment. "Thanks, uh, I worked really hard on it. I'm just glad everyone likes it. I wanted to do something a little more grown-up compared to my earlier songs that had a similar message."

"You all have been putting out _so_ much music. It's almost hard to keep up with it all, but a song of yours that seems to be really popular with the fans is Delicate. Tell us a little more about what went into that song."

I bit the inside of my cheek and angled myself away from Kendall because I knew I would blush if I didn't. Delicate was the song I wrote after Kendall and I slept together for the first time.

"That's a song that means a lot to me actually. It's about when you're trying to figure what the next step you're going to take with someone is. It's a precarious point in time but the two of you really like each other. There's a part that wonders if it's too soon to get together and I think that's a really important moment in any relationship."

"So between Body Say and Delicate, it seems like you might be interested in somebody." Savannah teased and leaned forward in her chair. "Care to give any hints about who it might be?"

"One of these fine gentlemen maybe?" Kat dramatically gestured to the guys.

I shook my head and laughed coyly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Kendall's face was bright red and he was biting back a smile.

"These guys are my best friends, it's not about them." I shrugged. "Honestly I wish I had a better answer for you. But it's about different guys and experiences, a combination."

This wasn't the juicy scoop they wanted so they moved onto talking about the award show we had tonight. Internally, I breathe a sigh of relief. All I had really wanted to say was that both songs were about Kendall. That I couldn't get him off my mind, that I was falling for him and that he made me happier than anyone ever had. I wanted the world to know that I finally felt safe and was head over heels for blonde hair, green eyes and the smell of smoke. But instead, I pulled myself together and flashed him a secret smile.

For now, I was content to live in our own private world.

* * *

The rest of the morning involved two radio station stops. Kendall and I performed an acoustic version of Night Like This, it was such a different energy than it had been at the start of the tour. Our other magazine and online interviews were pretty much a copy and paste of the one we had this morning. Thankfully, I wasn't asked about my dating life. I was now onstage looking out at the empty auditorium. BTR and I had a soundcheck for our performances tonight. The guys were singing Hot Summer while I would be singing Night Like This.

"I could almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips." Kendall's thumb brushed across my bottom lip. "Oh, whoa, oh."

I did the claps that were in the chorus and danced around him, shaking my hips. The only people in the auditorium were stage crew, Gustavo, Liz and the guys. Each artist had a private soundcheck to work out any bugs in their performance. Or in some people's cases to perfect their lip syncing, not that it was any of my business.

Kendall tried to pull me close but I took a step back and laughed a little. "Anything can happen on a night like this."

Because there were no fans or cameras we were free to flirt a little more than we usually would. We ran through the rest of the song and it was loaded with tense looks and wandering hands. Gustavo and Liz's only feedback was to keep things under control during the show so we wouldn't have to deal with blowback from the press and fans online.

"Thank you, Elle! Now if we could have BTR do their rehearsal that'd be great." The show's producer clapped his hands together. "We have a tight schedule folks."

"I guess that's my cue to leave," I said to Kendall as I took out my inner ear piece. "Break a leg."

He shrugged and ruffled his hair. "I hate when you walk away but at least the view is nice."

"Fuck off." I chided with a grin. "Do your soundcheck."

I handed off my microphone and made my way backstage. I glanced behind me and gave Kendall a wink before rounding the corner. As I passed by actors and Youtube stars who were presenting the awards tonight, I waved. I made a quick stop by my dressing room to grab my bag so we could go straight back to the hotel. I hummed to myself as I went to the craft service table to make a drink. I dropped my bag on the table and sang to myself as I made my tea.

"Gonna make some tea and take a nap. Yeah, yeah, yeah." I hummed under my breath as I mixed the honey in. "Gonna win an award and thank the fans. Probably should write a song that's better than this."

It was a weird feeling but I was happy.

Really fucking happy.

In the weeks and months after Jett's attack and the related trauma that followed, I had been miserable. Between the way the media branded me 'Eleawhore', the way parents rallied for my career to end, the jokes and of course the nightmares, I had wanted to die. I sank deep down into myself and felt like I would never smile or feel safe again. But then I started this tour, I met the guys and somehow had started dating Kendall. My music was doing well and my fans had welcomed me back into their lives. I was so happy and overjoyed that I didn't know what to do with myself other than smile. I had been doing that a lot lately and I was certain my cheeks would be sore. Everything felt right for once.

Or at least it did until I heard my name.

"Hey, Len."

I drew in a breath and turned around to face him. Jett looked tanned and well rested, a grin hung from his mouth. He looked like he knew something I didn't and it made my stomach churn. But I steeled myself, I wasn't going to let him ruin my day.

"Why the fuck do you always come up behind me?" I asked, folding my arms.

He laughed to himself. "You always did like it from behind."

My fist was clenched so tight that my fingernails broke the skin of my palm. "Shut up."

"Ooh, still feisty I see."

He took a step closer to me, his lips were inches from mine and I could feel his body heat. At that moment, all I could feel was how warm he had been when he pinned me to that sink. For a moment I feared I would actually throw up from the panic and I clutched my belly.

"Move," I ordered as my voice shook. "Now."

"Sorry, relax." He reached past me to grab a bottle of water and stepped back. "I didn't mean to freak you out, chill."

"Oh, because coming up behind me and reminding me that I used to let you sleep with me was supposed to be pleasant?"

He shook his head. "I really did just want water. But I can see you're in the middle of being a bitch or whatever."

"I'm not a bitch." My teeth were gritted. "I don't think being nice to the person who assaulted me is worth my time."

"You're right, I am sorry about that."

"So you admit it was assault?"

"I mean, I can see why you think that."

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "You're so full of shit Jett. Why are you even here?"

As I went to walk away he blocked my path. He bit his lip and the wrinkle between his eyebrows he got when he was stressed, popped out. "Look, I'm in town because I'm nominated for Chasing Chances and presenting. I came to make sure my dressing room had the right number of mirrors to see all my angles. But we should catch up. We're at the same hotel."

I actually laughed at this. "You want to talk? You never want to talk, not when I told you to get off of me, not when you showed up at my place."

"Elle!"

I had never been so grateful to hear my name. I was almost moved to tears when I saw Kendall walking towards us, he pushed his way between Jett and I. I wanted to grab his hand and never let go, but the last thing I needed was for Jett to tell people we were together.

"Liz needs you to post about the show tonight, she has exact wording for you to use." He sounded anxious and looked at him. "Jett, what's up?"

"Just having a conversation with Eleanor." He nodded to me and was imploring. "Think about what I said."

Kendall puffed out his chest and his jaw was tense. "Liz said it was urgent."

He pushed past Jett and let me walk in front of him. Kendall's hand rested on my lower back and he gently hustled me out into the car while we waited for the guys to come outside.

"Are you okay?" He asked once we were alone.

I blinked a few times and nodded. "I think so, J-Jett was just, he-"

"Made you uncomfortable. I mean for fuck's sake you looked like you were going to throw up." He held my hands in his. "What did he say to you?"

"Nothing. He just wanted water and started t-talking about his dressing room." I couldn't bring myself to tell Kendall the truth, it was embarrassing. "I'm fine."

"Yeah, come here." He looked over my face with concern before hugging me tightly. "You're okay."

My face was buried in Kendall's shoulder and I felt safe, like I was protected. "Thank you."

* * *

The unexpected run-in with Jett had left me reeling, so when we got back to our hotel Kendall understood that I wanted to be alone.

"I'm next door if you need me just shout." He kissed the top of my head. "I mean it."

I forced a smile and thanked him. But once the door shut I flopped back on my bed and pressed a pillow against my face. After everything had happened Liz thought it would be a good idea for me to talk to someone. I tried to do the breathing technique my therapist had taught me and concentrate on how I wasn't in that moment anymore. When I had finally started to feel my heart rate slow down my phone buzzed twice. And just like that my mouth was dry.

 _You left this when Kendall manhandled you out of there._

 _Room 1020._

Jett was holding my purse next to his face and giving a smug look. My stomach dropped and I shakily replied to him.

 _No way, bring it to me._

His reply was quick. _Room #?_

On second thought, the idea of Jett knowing my room number made me uneasy. Part of me wanted to say fuck it and buy a new purse. But the annoyingly sentimental part of me knew that the keychain Kendall had bought me was in there. And most important of all my birth control was there too and getting a new prescription on tour was a hassle. Begrudgingly, I dragged myself to the elevator down the hall. My knock was aggressive, hopefully, he'd think it was Kendall or Liz.

"Here's a sight I thought I'd never see again. Len Harper knocking at my door." He teased when he opened the door. "I didn't think you'd come."

I held out my hand. "Give me my shit."

"You have to at least come in. You owe me a conversation."

"I don't owe you shit, Jett." My words were clipped and my anger was growing. "If anything you owe me."

He leaned against the door frame. "I didn't sell your purse on eBay for a small fortune, you're welcome."

His arrogant tone pissed me off so I shoved past him and found my bag on the bed. I made sure that everything was still there and turned on my heel to leave.

"I wasn't joking when I said I wanted to talk."

My heart was in my throat and my stomach felt sick. "There's nothing you can say to me, Jett."

His hand went to touch my face and I flinched hard. "Hey, take it easy. Why are you jumpy, it's just me?"

I hated that my eyes were stinging with tears, it made me look weak. "D-Do you remember the last time we were in a h-hotel together?"

This confused him because he cocked his head and huffed out a laugh. "When you were on tour? I know we always had fun when I came to visit you."

"No. Not when I was on tour." I kept my tone low to hide how it wavered. "How about when you left me in one after what you did to me?"

 _"Hey, Len. Len." His voice was distant and distorted. "Eleanor."_

 _I didn't have the strength to respond but a harsh slap across the face caused me to cry out. I wanted to move away but his hand clutched my face so tightly it felt like he would break my jaw._

 _"Eleanor! Wake up." Jett barked as he leaned into my ear. "You're going to wake up and you're going to walk across the fucking lobby, okay?"_

 _My heart was pounding in my chest and my mind was moving in slow motion. But I could feel the panic coursing through my body, I wanted to scream, to fight, but I couldn't think or move. His grip on my waist was unforgiving as I stumbled through the lobby, my legs were heavy and I felt myself being dragged. People were simply blurs and flashes of color._

 _"S-Stop." I pleaded as we stepped into the elevator._

 _"Is she okay?"_

 _"She just had too much to drink and forgot she took her sleeping pill." Jett's laugh was warm and loud. "Don't worry babe, you can sleep in just a minute."_

 _I didn't know how long I was in the elevator because the next thing I knew, Jett was ripping off my clothes. I shook my head and fresh tears ran down my face, I was completely useless when it came to trying to stop him._

 _"No! Jett, stop." I slurred as he put me over his shoulder. I was limp like a ragdoll. "P-Please."_

 _Between the drugs, alcohol and being upside down, I felt like I was going to throw up. He carried me into the bathroom and dropped me in the tub and I panicked even further. My thoughts were on a loop._

 _He raped me. He raped me. He raped me._

 _And when the water turned on another sick thought popped in my head._

 _He's going to drown me, he's going to drown me, he's going to drown me._

 _I was hyperventilating and sobbing as I looked up at him. He was a blur and there were two of him, he was smiling and shook his head at me._

 _"Don't cry Len, shh, close your eyes." He smoothed my hair and kissed me. "Breathe baby."_

 _But I couldn't breathe, all I could do was cry as he scrubbed between my legs. His hands came up my chest, my throat and back down. The washcloth was rough and the water was hot. He hummed to himself as he worked and even in my state I could see he was drunk. I was fading in and out of consciousness and winced at how hard he rubbed. I coughed on the water that sprayed my face as he washed my hair. And then, somewhere in my drugged out mind I realized what he was doing. He was cleaning me up._

 _There'd be no DNA. No proof of what he had done to me._

 _This gave me a small surge of strength and I hit him the best I could. My limbs were heavy but I must have made contact with his face because he cursed._

 _"Damn it!" He growled and yanked me up by my hair. "I'm fucking helping you."_

 _My chest heaved and I was wracked with sobs. "God, stop. H-Help!"_

 _"Shut the fuck up. I'm done." Jett sounded annoyed and he threw me over his shoulder again. "I took care of you, it's okay baby."_

 _The drugs were wearing off because I felt my mind grow a little less foggy. He laid me on the bed and pulled the covers over top of me, he was almost gentle. But his laugh was cold and he gripped my face once more._

 _"Don't cry Eleanor, just sleep. You won't remember this in the morning but we had so much fun, didn't we?" He was laughing again, warmer this time. "I love you."_

 _I choked out a few more sobs. I was in pain, my face hurt, my throat, my scalp. And of course, in between my legs and my head were throbbing. It felt like I was dying and at that moment I wouldn't have minded._

 _"No, s-stop," I muttered again. "Jett, s'hurts."_

 _"You're fucking wasted and sloppy." He brought my lips to his and pressed a lingering kiss. "Sober up babe, get some sleep."_

 _The light turned off, leaving me in complete darkness. My eyes were wide and I laid there cold, wet and shivering. My heart was racing but my mind was too drugged to feel total panic. I was unable to move my body so I laid there sobbing. My words were weak and barely above a whisper._

 _"H-Help," I begged as my eyes grew heavy. "Please."_

Jett simply shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, uh, I remember. I guess."

"You guess?" I shouted at him and it surprised us both. "I thought you were going d-drown me."

"Don't be dramatic Len." He avoided my eye and shuffled. "We both made mistakes."

I was dumbfounded. "I did nothing wrong! You cheated on me and raped me. And then when everything else happened you were worried about your image."

"You called an ambulance when I overdosed, do you know how hard that was for me to deal with."

"You were my boyfriend and I thought you were going to die!" I almost laughed at this. "You're still so fucking irresponsible. I had to deal with everyone thinking my rape was a sex tape and hating me. That was just on the professional level. I wanted to die and you didn't care about me until I got out of the hospital. And again that was mostly for selfish reasons."

Jett groaned and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not perfect but neither are you!"

I tightened my hold on my purse. I refused to let him see me cry. "Goodbye, Jett."

"How long is it going to take until you realize that I'm the guy for you?" Jett called out, there was no hint of a joke in his words. "When will you see that we're right together?"

I scoffed. "Jett, in no universe are you the guy for me."

"Len come on." He closed the gap between us and held my waist. "We had a good thing going. We had fun and I miss you."

"Don't touch me." My voice was harsh and I pushed him away. "You were rude, you cheated on me and you attacked me. I would _never_ get back with you."

He frowned and tried to tuck my hair behind my ear, but stopped when I flinched. "Neither of us made good choices that night. I came on too strong and you got too drunk."

"Fuck you." I pushed him again, anger surged through me. "I did nothing wrong and I don't want to be with you."

Jett who never missed a beat just shrugged and gave a nasty smirk. "Even if you don't want to date we could still have fun."

"Stop. I'm leaving and if you know what's good for you, you'll leave me alone." I wrenched my arm away and stormed towards the door. "Break a leg at the awards tonight and I don't mean the figure of speech."

There was a pause before he spoke.

"He doesn't love you, you know?"

My blood turned to ice as I gripped the doorknob. "What are you talking about?"

"Kendall." He said simply. "He's never going to be with you. He loves Jo."

"Well good thing we're just friends," I said coolly as I turned around, trying to keep my face calm. "I don't want to be with him."

"Please." He rolled his eyes and checked out his hair in the mirror. "It's so obvious you two are fucking. The way you look at each other, all your disgusting smiles and laughs. And of course, the way you two shuffled out of the bathroom in Florida. He's fucking you and you being the slut you are is letting him."

"We're not fucking," I said plainly. "You're just an idiot."

"You think he's gonna leave Jo for _you_? You're just there to entertain him." His eyes narrowed and he stalked closer to me. "You're nothing more than a plaything and once the tour is over he'll be gone. You're just convenient. You're disposable, like trash."

His words were like a punch to the gut. I inhaled sharply and willed myself not to get emotional. All it would do is prove him right. "Whatever Jett. You couldn't be more wrong."

His menacing face turned into a grin as if he had been joking. "And after that, you'll still just be a pair of tits."

My hand was heavy as it struck his face and I hissed at him. "Go fuck yourself."

"Bitch." He muttered and rubbed his cheek.

I wrenched open the door and stormed down the hallway. I struggled to keep myself under control as I made my way back to my room. Once I was safe behind the locked door I threw my bag at the wall, the contents fell out. An ugly sob worked it's way out of my body and my cheeks were wet with hot tears.

"Fuck!" I shouted as I kicked the wall. "Oh m-my god."

I felt like the hole in my chest from almost two years ago had been ripped open. I was scared and angry and all by myself. I tugged at my hair as my knees buckled. Jett had completely fucked me up. The memories of being in the hotel room mixed with his words about how Kendall was using me. It proved to be too much because I kept sobbing. It was so hard that I thought I would throw up.

"I just started getting better." I wailed to myself. "I-I hate him. I hate him. I hate him."

What if Jett was right? What if Kendall was just with me because I put out? It made sense, he was lonely and I was always there. He had texted Jo about how he missed her, even if he claimed he was just being polite.

"Elle! Let me in, please."

Kendall was on the other side of the door. I staggered over to it and unlocked it before digging through the stuff on my floor. My knees gave out and I crumpled onto the floor as I cried. Things had been going so well but here I was, falling apart, _again_. All I wanted was to smoke but my hand's were shaking too much to light it.

"Damn it!"

A strong pair of arms wrapped around my shoulders. "Hey, breathe. Baby, what is wrong with you?"

"I can't fucking light this." I cried as I tried again. "I-I just want to smoke."

"Shh, here." He took the lighter from my hands and lit it for me. "What happened?"

I let myself go weak in his arms. "H-He broke me. I was _happy_ but then I saw him and I-I hate him."

His green eyes were full of worry. "Who did you see?"

"J-Jett." I said miserably and blew smoke. "I-I left my bag at the venue and went to get it from his room."

Kendall tensed around me. "What did he do? Did he fucking touch you?"

"He just s-said some shit."

"Like what?"

I buried my face in his chest. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Elle."

My teeth were biting the inside of my cheek so hard that I tasted blood. As I looked up at him he looked so goddamn trustworthy and honest. But I couldn't tell him, I didn't want him to see me differently. Even though I knew it hadn't been my fault I still felt shame, like I could have done more to stop it. If I had never called an ambulance he wouldn't have cheated, if he hadn't cheated we wouldn't have gone to that club so he could make it up to me, and if we hadn't done he wouldn't have drugged me. But of course, I couldn't say any of that to Kendall. And to be fair, that was only half of what was bothering me. I took another drag and sniffled.

"He, he said I was disposable."

"Disposable?"

"That I was disposable to you, like trash," I admitted quietly, refusing to look up at him. "He s-said I'm convenient."

Kendall sat back a little and when I glanced up he looked confused. "What?"

I groaned and turned to face him, my cheeks were burning. "Jett said, you're never going to be with me. He said you're always going to l-love Jo. I'm just convenient to you and you just want to fuck. I just happen to be around and you want sex."

He was quiet for a moment and shook his head. "Elle, no. God no."

Another sob bubbled over and my voice was hoarse. "I promise I didn't tell him. I-I'm sorry Kendall. He's always been good at sensing shit like that."

Kendall rubbed circles into my back. "Hey, I'm not mad. I am at him, but not at you, never you."

"H-He said it was obvious and in Florida, he saw us in the bathroom making out." I hiccupped a little and squeezed him tighter. "He said I'm just a pair of tits and an idiot for letting you fuck me, that I'm a slut."

He held my face so I was looking at him. His mouth was a thin line and he looked upset. "He's wrong, Len."

"I just feel so stupid." I rasped.

"Don't. You're not disposable, you're not trash or convenient or whatever he said." He told me firmly. "You're talented, beautiful, incredible. And I'm crazy about you. He's an ass who doesn't realize how special you are."

I blinked a few times and sighed. "Really?"

"Of course." Kendall's smile was soft and he kissed me. "You're my girl."

His thumb wiped away the tears on my face and I hugged him tightly. "Thank you."

He kissed the top of my head and the feeling of his arm around me help me calm down. Slowly but surely my panic lessened and I found the strength to stand up and sniffed a little. I shut the bathroom door and turned on the sink. As I looked in the mirror I saw how puffy and red my eyes were. My nose looked raw and tears had stained my face. I splashed my face and took a few deep breaths when I looked back up it was like a switch flipped. It felt like I couldn't breathe.

 _It felt like my face had been broken and that I had been run over by a truck. My eyes were open but the room was dark, I was confused and tried to piece together the night before. My head throbbed when I tried to remember, it felt like I was hungover but a thousand times worse. It didn't seem like I had drunk that much last night. I was freezing and pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders. Between my legs felt bruised and beaten. My hair was wet and stuck to my face. Everything felt fuzzy like it wasn't quite there. It was only when my stomach lurched did I roll out of bed. I winched as I ran into the bath, I was sore. Absentmindedly, I realized I was naked which was strange. I gripped the sides of the bowl and got sick, when I was done I staggered to the sink. My stomach lurched again, but it wasn't from the hangover. It was from what I saw._

 _"O-Oh my god."_

 _My face was covered in bruises. Bloody crescent-shaped nail marks littered my cheeks alongside what looked like the ghost of fingerprints. My jaw had the same bruising as well and what looked like a handprint. Deep scratches ran down my chest and bruises were on my arms too. They were red and angry just like the ones on my face. What looked like hickeys dappled my neck and my shoulders. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would give out as I looked at myself. My hair was tangled and damp and when I stepped back I could see the same fingerprint-shaped bruises and nail marks on my hips. My eyes welled up with tears and when I looked over at the bathtub everything came back in flashes._

 _"No. No. No." I was terrified and my knees gave out. "Oh g-god, oh god."_

 _I could remember going out with Jett and his friends. I remembered him handing me a drink, leading me to the bathroom. I could feel his hands gripping my hips and the way his nails broke the skin on my face. He had reached up my dress and forced himself on me, his body had been hot as it pinned mine to the sink. I could feel his hand covering my mouth as I tried to cry out for help._

 _"H-He raped me." My words were barely above a whisper as the horror set in. Tears rolled down my face and my chest began to heave with sobs. "Jett raped me."_

 _My first thought was that this was a nightmare. The second was that he would never do this to me, but everything between being pinned down to waking up here was a blur. The third thought was genuine disbelief and then it occured to me I needed a doctor. But then a new thought came to mind, one that made me feel even more horrified._

 _He had cleaned me up. It was fuzzy but I was almost certain he had put me in the bathtub, it explained why my hair was wet and some of the raw and sore feeling inside my thighs. I pushed away from the sink and found my clothes on the bedroom floor. I was hyperventilating as I put them back on, I had to get out of here. There had to be an explanation for all of this. But when I caught my reflection in the closet mirror my beaten face and puffy eyes said otherwise._

 _"T-This can't be happening."_

I was so entranced by the memory that I didn't notice when water flowed over the sink. It spilled onto my feet and across the floor, causing me to jump.

"Fuck." I took a step back and turned off the water.

My face was still wet so I dried myself off and tossed the towel on top of the puddle. I hadn't thought about the morning after in such a long time that I was rattled. I walked on shaky legs into the room. Kendall was sitting on the bed, my purse sat next to him. He smiled when he saw me and nodded to the bag.

"I put everything back in there. I wasn't sure where everything went but I didn't want anything to go missing." My keychain dangled from his finger and he seemed sheepish. "You still have this?"

"O-Of course."

As he looked over my face his smile faded. "Are you okay? Jett's an idiot and not worth your time. And I'm pretty sure Jo and I are done for good, you're not trash. In fact, I think you're incredible." He nervously ran his hand through his hair. "And I-I know he said he broke you but I can fix it, I can h-help. I swear."

"You must be a miracle worker." I scoffed, feeling irritable. "I'm just fleeting."

He stepped closer to me and took my hand. "No, you're not. I mean, I don't want you to be. Jett's so wrong about you."

A new batch of tear sprung up. "I-I don't want to think about him."

"God, come here." He pulled me into a hug and squeezed. "It's all going to be okay."

For the first time in a long time, I was vulnerable about Jett in front of someone. I let myself cling to him and felt as he rubbed my back. Kendall felt like comfort and safety. I cried into his shoulder once more and trembled. All the while he kept a strong hold on me, he made me feel connected. Like I wouldn't float away.

"It's all going to be okay." He mumbled. "I promise."

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I stared out the window and huffed. "Yeah, Liz."

"You seem out of sorts."

"Well seeing Jett can do that to a girl," I said moodily and drummed my fingers against my leg. "And no, I don't want a restraining order again. It'll just force me to think about him even more."

Liz reached across the SUV to pat my arm. "Just let me know okay?"

I was on my way to the award show. I had kicked Kendall out of my room so I could get ready with my hair and makeup team. It was now the evening and we were slowly inching our way to the drop off to go to the carpet. I had admitted to Liz after Kendall left that I had seen Jett and had a panic attack. She had been ready to rip his head off which was reassuring. It seemed like there was a line of people who wanted to take a shot at him. I felt drained and annoyed but I was trying to get excited about the award show. We finally reached the drop off zone and my door was opened.

"Thank you, Liz. I'm sorry I'm being so rude, it's not you."

Her smile was supportive. "Don't mention it."

When I climbed out of the car we were out of the sight of the press. I saw the guys who were all in casual button downs and ties. My mood lifted a little when I saw Kendall. His hands were shoved in his pockets and he was laughing at something his friends had said. His green tie brought out his eyes and his sleeves were rolled up. Logan nodded to me and Kendall turned around. He was beaming like the sun when he realized it was me. He walked over to me and looked around before pressing a quick kiss to my cheek.

"You look beautiful." He commented, nodding to my dress. "I mean you're never not beautiful but wow."

My face flushed and I waved him off. "Thanks. You clean up well too."

"I have to especially if I have to stand near you all night. You're out here making me feel like I should change."

"Stop, it's cute. You're cute." I complimented and looked around before taking a drink from the flask I smuggled in my bag. "I just want to get through this red carpet without any drama."

Kendall tutted at me but stole a sip. "What a rebel."

Liz and Kelly started to guide us to the carpet, I snuck one more swallow. "I try."

The walk on the carpet proved to be relatively calm. I posed for photos by myself and with the guys. Interviews were brief and I promoted my new song Body Say, out of the corner of my eye Kendall was flustered.

"It was really fun to write and even better to perform." I kept my tone teasing and laughed. "I know people really seem to like it."

"So when is the new album coming out?"

I shrugged. "Good things take time but I'm nearly done. This summer had been really good to me, I'm happy."

The guys talked about their new video which was number one online. I was proud of them and all the work they were doing. Their image had really matured over the past few months. My sour mood had pretty much vanished as we wrapped up the carpet and when we settled into our seats I let out a long breath. I hadn't seen Jett once and I think Liz had something to do with that. I really needed to thank her properly for all that she did. My performance was early in the night so Kendall and I changed into different outfits and waited for our cue.

"So do I have to act like we're just friends out there?" He spoke into my ear. "Because if I'm being honest I want to find a quiet spot and get you out of that outfit."

I cleared my throat as electricity tingled across my skin. "People who are just friends don't say things like that. But for what it's worth I wouldn't mind skipping the after party tonight."

"Sounds like a plan, _friend_."

"Give it up for Elle Harper and Kendall Knight!"

We came out from backstage to the sound of cheering and clapping. I gave a big wave and smiled, after a rough day this was just what I needed to relax. Most people had stage fright but being bathed in the bright lights and the vibrations of the bass soothed me. Our performance was nothing to write home about, it was good and we hit all our notes but it was very professional. This award show was broadcast to more people so we wanted to keep our flirting to a minimum. But Kendall still managed to give me a covert smirk.

"We could just stay up all night."

My head bobbed to the music. "Anything can happen on a night like this."

The show's producer hurried us out of our stage outfits and back to our seats after we finished. There was no time for Kendall and me to exchanged witty banter because they were scrambling to the stage to accept their first award of the night. They won for Group Single for Hot Summer. I was cheering and on my feet the whole time they accepted their trophies.

"Wow! This means a lot to us." James began.

"Yeah, we want to thank our fans, our label and of course Gustavo." Logan chimed in and held up his award. "This means so much to us."

Carlos spoke next. "We have the best fans in the world and the fact that you like this new sound is amazing."

Kendall found me in the crowd and smiled. "What they said! Thank you so, so much and the new video is coming soon. There's a special guest in it and I hope you like them as much as I do."

I clapped for them again and as they disappeared backstage. They gave a phenomenal, high energy performance of Hot Summer. The fans in the room lost their shit as they ground their hips and showed off the mature side. It was definitely something I enjoyed too. They then joined me in the audience, Kendall kept his hand on my thigh as we watched the rest of the show. James won Male Summer Crush and gave a humble brag and thanked the fans.

"So, do you have a crush on James?" Kendall joked quietly.

I pretended to think about it. "We did make out once. But his friend is much hotter."

"Thank you."

"Yeah, Logan is much better looking."

His smug look fell flat and I snickered. "I hate you."

I squeezed his hand. "No, you don't."

"You caught me."

Kendall and I were so caught up in our conversation that hearing my name took me by surprise. I had won for Strange Love, the song about Jett. I was dazed as I rushed to the stage, I hadn't been paying attention. When I got to the mic, I sighed.

"I don't know what to say other than thank you." My eyes scanned the crowd for Jett and I found him a few rows in front of BTR. He looked petulant and rubbed his face where I hit him. "This song is about a rough time in my life but I'm grateful you all liked it enough to vote for me. I want to give a shout out to my manager/producer/guardian angel Liz. I'd be lost without you. Thank you!"

James was waiting for me when I left the podium. "Hey, congrats!"

"Thanks, you too!"

We had just gotten back to our seats when Big Time Rush won for Favorite Group. I laughed as James turned right back around to go up with his friends. Their speech was pretty much the same, except they promised the fans that the album was almost done.

"Congrats, you guys."

The rest of the show dragged on for a while. Liz had gotten ahold of the schedule so I took two perfectly timed bathroom breaks when Jett was presenting and when the category he was nominated for came up. Logan had filled me in that he had won and his speech was cocky. I didn't let it bother me, it was the category for Best Video. Even though I had won it in Florida I was still a little competitive. Kendall and Carlos rubbed my shoulders.

"And the winner for Best Video is Elle Harper for Night Like This!" The actress announced.

I jumped to my feet and cheered. The guys pulled me into a group hug and Liz gave me a handshake as Kendall and I walked past them. Kendall helped me up the steps and held my award for me as I spoke.

"Again, all I can say is thank you! I have the best fans a girl could ask for. Thank you for all the support and love for the video. It means a lot to me that you're still standing by my side." I turned to Kendall and grinned. "And shout out to Kendall for being my co-star."

Kendall laughed and spoke quickly. "You're welcome. I probably shouldn't be up here because Len did all the work but I'm proud of her."

"Thank you again!"

Once we got back to our seats all the nerves from earlier were gone. We had won all our awards and our performances had gone well. There was nothing else to be done and when the award show came to a close all the winners waited in line to pose for a picture. The guys had already gone so I was in line alone. I looked around the backstage area for Kendall. We had made plans to leave when I was done. I did a double take when I saw him with Jett. Kendall looked nervous and shifted a little bit as Jett laughed. I could see the nastiness of his smirk from here. But then Kendall lost his temper because he shoved Jett a bit. This surprised me but Jett didn't seem too bothered. In fact, he pointed at me and smirked at Kendall. Kendall shook his head and said something that was full of anger before walking away.

"Smile!"

I gave a quick grin for the photo before jogging to catch up with Kendall. He seemed on edge and jumped when I touched his shoulder.

"What did Jett s-say?"

He turned after a moment and scoffed. "He was just being gross. I told him to fuck off before I made him sorry."

"Really?"

"Of course, he's an ass." He took a deep breath. "But let's not think about that, let's get out of here."

"You read my mind."

* * *

Kendall and I were all giggles as we snuck off from the guys and our managers. We didn't even wait for our SUV instead we hailed a cab. Between the rain and the cramped back seat, it felt just like my video. We took turns drinking from my flask and we were both buzzed by the time we got back. Kendall pressed a kiss to my lips before we climbed out. We were still laughing as we ran through the lobby and into the elevator. Being with him was exciting and as we got to my room we were breathless. Once inside, I leaned against the door and gasped for air.

"Did you see their faces?" I chuckled. "Those tourists didn't know what hit them."

Kendall was still grinning as he loosened his tie. He walked across the room and pulled me into a deep and passionate kiss, his other hand cupped my face.

"I'm so proud of you Eleanor."

"Thank you," I said warmly. "I'm proud of you."

His green eyes were full of lust, his lips tasted like rum and his cheeks were red from laughing. His thumb ran across my bottom lip and his breathing was shaky. I could feel his other hand work the zipper of my dress and he pulled it off of me. He moved his lips to the spot just near my neck and collarbone that made me moan. His mouth was hot on my skin. I wrapped my arms around him and sighed.

"You make me so happy Kendall." I blurted out. "You just do, you make everything better."

He pressed his finger to my lips and gave a soft smile. "I could say the same about you. I want to make you happy, show you how proud I am."

"Oh really?"

Kendall's hand gripped my side as he kissed my lips, neck, and chest. His other hand was focused on my inner thigh and I swallowed hard. He sounded pleased with himself as he spoke.

"I plan to show you how proud I am all night Eleanor." He bit his lip. "Unless you have other plans."

My mouth crashed into his when I kissed him. I was falling for him and fast. It felt like I was crazy, for his touch, his kiss, his smile. He was my man just as much as I was his girl. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I was crazy about him. So when I whispered in his ear I meant what I said.

"Being with you is the only way I want to spend the night."

* * *

AN: A lot happened in this chapter! I really enjoyed writing the Jett scenes and flashbacks. I love digging into Elle's past and sharing it with you. Elle and BTR are all working hard and won their awards I'm so proud. Another part I really liked was how Kendall helped Elle through her panic attack, it seems like he really likes her huh? And of course, the end scene was another favorite of mine. I like writing sweeter smut too it's not all physical with them in my opinion. Kendall and Elle are really for each other.

The next chapter keeps them in NYC. It's going to be super long and I hope that's okay. In fact, the next few chapters are long but it's super necessary to keep the flow going. It's going to be fun so I hope you tune in the week after next. I really want to do this right as it's the climax of the story. Having long chapters makes up for my break next week right? _Right_? Haha.

I won't give up much for the next update other than it's explosive, there is drama and characters from everyone's pasts make an appearance or mention. But for now, focus on how happy Elle is.

Again, thanks so, so, so much for the support. I appreciate everyone who reads and reviews.


	23. Chapter 23

AN: Welcome back! Thanks so much for reading the last chapter. I'm going to keep this note short. I'm really excited and nervous for you all to read this chapter. I first thought of this fic back in 2013. This is the first scene I thought of. I had no idea I would finally be sharing it with you all five years later. This chapter is the definition of a plot twist, but I hinted and foreshadowed this from the very beginning. This chapter features a character from the past and tests Elle in new ways. This chapter is long but it was needed. I hope you enjoy, go easy on me and let me know what your favorite part was. I'm stoked to share this with you!

* * *

My face was pressed into my pillow and I groaned when I realized I was awake. I kept my eyes shut hoping to squeeze in a few more minutes but my stomach rumbled, waking me further. My head didn't move from my pillow as I blocked out the light.

"I'll blow you if you get me a bagel." My voice was raspy and my mouth was dry. "And if you get me coffee I won't wear a bra all day."

This was usually enough to get Kendall up and moving so when I was met with silence I was confused. I sat up, rubbed my eyes and squinted. His side of the bed was empty and his clothes were missing. I was alone, this was new. I had been waking up next to Kendall since Florida, and over the past few weeks it had become one of my favorite things.

"Guess I get the bagel and don't have to blow him," I smirked to myself as I got out of bed. "I'll take it."

After taking a steamy shower and getting dressed for the day, I stepped out of the bathroom and frowned. The room was still empty and there was no sign he had been here. It was almost eight so I knew Kendall was awake, but where was he? I sent him a quick text asking if he was okay.

 _Read at 7:47 am._

"Huh."

Kendall never left me on read, his response always came quickly. Gustavo had probably needed him for something so I tried not to think about it. I had left most of my things on the bus so I gathered the few items I had brought with me. All I needed now was breakfast and to find Kendall. There was a quick knock at the door and I smiled as I went to open it. I tried to hide my disappointment when I saw Liz.

"Oh, hey, Liz."

She looked confused and feigned hurt. "Clearly I'm not who you expected."

"No, it's not that. I just haven't seen Kendall."

"Gustavo gave the guys an early recording time. He's probably over at the venue on the studio bus." She explained, walking in the room. "So, today's going to be fairly relaxed. You have a songwriting session blocked out so you can work alone, a soundcheck as always and then if you could answer some fan questions on social media that'd be great."

"No interviews?"

"Those are all tomorrow. I need to make a few calls but I will meet you at the venue in a few minutes. Enjoy the day off, it's about to be crunch time."

I laughed. "Liz, everything's going to be great. Things can only get better from here."

The city was rainy and full of people but I was too distracted to feel anxious about it. It was now well after eight and Kendall still hadn't replied to my message. Even though Liz told me he was in the studio he would have replied to me. Hopefully, Gustavo wasn't being too hard on him. I balanced the bag of bagels and the coffees I picked up for us as I walked into the backstage area.

"Morning guys." I greeted. "What's up? Shouldn't you be in the studio?"

Logan and Carlos shared a look and shrugged. James gave me a smile and cleared his throat. There was an elephant in the room. I tilted my head and furrowed my brow.

"Okay, being weird works too." I laughed nervously. "Uh, where's Kendall? He was gone when I woke up and hasn't answered my texts."

"He's um, he's busy."

"You sound really unsure about that Los." They weren't telling me something. "Is he okay? Liz says he was recording."

James' eyebrows were raised and he nodded behind me. "Ask him."

"Hey." I chirped as I started to turn around. "Where did you go this morn-. Oh."

My question died on my lips when I saw him. Or more specifically when I saw _them_. Kendall's arm was slung around her shoulder and she grinned up at him. Her suitcase was in his hand.

"Jo!" I said a bit too loudly and blinked. "Uh, hey."

She nodded at me. "Hi."

My mouth was agape and I looked between her and Kendall. He avoided my eye and kissed the top of Jo's head. It was jarring and made me cringe. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

"This is breaking my fingers. I'm going to stick it in my dressing room." He lifted her suitcase up. "Be right back."

She stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "Hurry back."

I felt like I was being punked. What the hell was Jo doing in New York? Why was Kendall kissing her? My heart was in my throat as I watched him walk off. I looked at the guys who all shuffled in their seats. No wonder they had been so strange.

"What are you doing here?" My question sounded demanding so I backpedaled. "I mean, the awards were yesterday."

She flushed a bit. "I know and I feel super guilty about missing them. But I had two days off so I thought I'd come to visit Kendall. He was so excited, he had no idea I was coming but I got to the hotel as he was leaving to grab bagels and coffee."

This confession left my head spinning, all I could do was force the fakest smile. "T-That's cute. Did you have a good flight?"

"Yeah, actually. It was a red eye so I slept most of it."

"Good, that's good." I held up the coffees I bought. "I need to get this to Gustavo. B-Bye."

I fled from the backstage area towards the dressing rooms. My hands were shaking and I felt sick to my stomach. I crashed into Kendall and nearly burned us with the coffee.

"What the fuck is Jo doing here?" I questioned, as my hands shook. "I thought you were over?"

Kendall's shrug was non-committal. "It was more of a break really. I swear, I didn't know she was coming."

This softened the shock a little. "Really?"

"I mean, she told me she had time off around the award show. I said she should come but I didn't think she would." Kendall admitted and cleared his throat. "Listen, she came all the way from Italy to see me. And we had breakfast this morning and I-"

"You what?" I questioned, folding my arms. "You decided to not text me back or fucking warn me?"

"Shh, she'll hear you." Kendall held his hand up to my mouth. "Breakfast was nice and I think, I think we're going to get back together."

My stomach twisted and I inhaled sharply. "What?"

"She wants to try again." Kendall licked his lips and scratched the back of his neck. "I mean, we've been together for almost six years. And besides, we weren't serious. Just do me a favor and don't mention us hooking up to Jo."

I blinked hard and shook my head. "H-Hooking up? That's all this was to you?"

The look on his face was familiar, I had seen it at the start of the summer. "No. Jesus, listen, Len, I like you. But Jo's my girlfriend and I have to stay faithful, I'm sorry."

My teeth were gritted as my eyes burned with the threat of tears. "Y-Yeah, whatever."

His smile was remorseful and he kissed me on the cheek. "It's been fun. Let me figure this out."

I stood there and watched him walk away, from me, from us and what we had. Everything had gone to shit in ten minutes and I was left to pick up the pieces, all on my own.

* * *

Things went from bad to worse as the day progressed. Liz had been just as surprised as I was to see Jo. She had offered to make it look like I had to go to a meeting with her but I declined. I was regretting this choice because once she left things were tense. There were no interviews scheduled or meet and greets it was just free time which proved to be torture. The guys finished up their studio session fairly early in the afternoon. This meant Jo was all over Kendall. She held his hand, kissed him, and sat on his lap all while I watched. I had managed to kill a few hours holed up in the studio bus. I wrote a few lyrics but I was mostly distracted. But I was back inside the venue after our soundcheck. I had just finished up a mini Q and A with my fans about the album. Some of them were about Jo being in NYC but I ignored them. Being able to focus on something not related to Kendall had lifted my spirits a little bit.

 _I had a great time answering everyone's questions. Thanks for hanging out with me and for all your support!_

With that, I came out of my dressing room, I could hear them talking.

"Thank god you still hate her. Your flirting looks so real."

Kendall's laugh was hollow. "Hell no, she's a bitch. The guys are all over her and Jett was in town yesterday."

"All her songs about him sound identical. It's so pathetic." She scoffed and sounded haughty. "I mean she fucked him and wants to be the victim."

My stomach felt sick but I just stomped past and tried to ignore it. Our soundcheck was stiff and awkward. When we sang our duet he stayed on the other end of the stage. When it was over he rushed off to make out with her. The guys sent me sad looks and kept offering to hang out but I turned them down. His eyes didn't meet mine once all day. It was like the past month and a half had been erased and undone because when I finally did say something he gave me a dirty look.

"I-I'm going to smoke does anyone want to come?"

Kendall wrinkled his nose. "That's disgusting. You're going to rot your vocal chords from smoking, not that you have the greatest ones now."

His comment was snide and it made me cringe. Where the hell was _my_ Kendall? The one I knew was always down to smoke. He would never have spoken to me like that in the past. I couldn't hold back my comment as I stood up.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were the expert on singing. I guess you did win for Best Summer Single last night, oh wait that was me. Sorry, Kendick."

I could see his jaw clench from where I stood, he put his arm around Jo even more. "At least I didn't have to get naked for another video to make a comeback."

"Fuck you." I spat as I fished out my cigs and lighter.

"Well I see she's still a bitch," Jo said to him. "I'm glad you stopped smoking though."

"Yeah, a b-bitch." He laughed at this but stared at me. "As always."

My feet carried me through the venue and out the back door. I finally let a few tears escape as I tried to light my cigarette, I shakily took a puff and leaned against the wall. He was really acting like nothing had happened between us. He was with her. Last night he had taken my clothes off, called me beautiful, said he wanted me. But today it was like I didn't even exist and neither did the Kendall I had grown to care for. My stomach heaved and I emptied its contents onto the asphalt.

"Shit."

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Do I look fucking okay?" I shouted as I looked up. The guys were all frowning at me. "Oh, sorry."

Carlos handed me his bottle of water so I could rinse out my mouth. "You look sick."

I swished and stuck a piece of gum in my mouth. "Yeah, well, seeing the guy you're with all over his girlfriend can do that."

"He has no right to be such a dick to you. I think he just wants to make it look like things haven't changed." James explained and rubbed my arm. "But it's not excusable."

"What the fuck is Jo even doing here?" I felt tears leak down my face. "Kendall said they were over."

"He came with her to the venue. We were all surprised we thought it was the two of you but here she came. He said they're back together but then she went to make a call, he was stressed." Logan tried to sound reassuring but it failed as I sniffled. "He said he wanted to try with Jo one last time."

A cry bubbled over and James hugged me. "He said we were just hooking up. And I saw him texting her a few days ago, he said he missed her. I feel so fucking stupid."

"Come on, don't cry. If he can't be man enough to end it with her for good it's not worth it."

"Guys." I looked up and Kendall was standing at the door, he squinted at James who held me. "Can I speak with Len?"

After reassuring them I'd be fine, it was just the two of us. Kendall took a long drag of his cigarette and gazed at me. His hair was messy like he kept messing with it the way he did when he got anxious.

"I thought smoking was disgusting."

He was sheepish. "I'm sorry. For all of this, I just, I guess I missed her more than I thought. Did you throw up?"

"Yeah, not that it's your problem. You and Jo are actually making me sick."

"Fuck, baby. I'm sorry." He tucked my hair behind my ear and stroked my cheek with his thumb. "I'm so sorry. I'm falling for you, okay? I'm so crazy about you."

His eyes were full of guilt. "Well, so am I but I guess it was just hooking up."

Kendall stomped out the buds of our cigarettes and kissed me. It was warm and tender and it felt familiar. His arms wrapped around my waist and he pressed me against the building. I turned my head but he still held me.

"Shit. I want you but I owe her another chance."

"You don't get both. All day you've been rude and so has she." I shouted at him as I cried. "I won't fucking deal with it."

He shushed me and groaned. "Just stop, okay? Jo's my girlfriend but I like you a lot. We have fun and I care about you. I don't know what to do."

I was too appalled to even respond. He knew I didn't want to be that girl but he was so casual in suggesting it. I elbowed past him and slammed the door behind me. I was so angry that I was shaking. I got sick again in my dressing room as I pulled on a stage outfit. We were nearing showtime but Liz was nowhere to be found. I was still trying to come to terms with what was happening. Kendall was with Jo again but still wanted to fool around with me. Kendall had acted like there was nothing special between us.

"Just hooking up," I muttered. "But he's 'crazy for me'. What a fucking asshole."

It was like I was on autopilot as I pulled out my phone. Liz said she'd be back soon and to stay out of trouble. If only she knew what was going on right now. Kendall had texted me twice about how he missed me already but then said to not hug him tonight on stage. My temper flared as I opened Twitter, there was a picture of Jo and Kendall at breakfast on my timeline. He was holding her hand across the table and she was laughing. It was like a knife to the chest and I chewed on the inside of my cheek so hard I drew blood. I was focused as I typed. It was impulsive, immature and stupid but so was Kendall. And I didn't care, if he could talk shit about me onstage in front of fans I could do it online. I just needed some kind of control and when I hit post I felt a small weight lift off my shoulders.

 _That moment when he's too weak to dump his girlfriend but says he's 'crazy' about you..._

I settled onto the couch and watched as the replies and retweets started to roll in. Eleanators has always been keen on reading between the lines. For weeks, both they and the media had been wondering if I was dating someone. Kendall had fooled us all. But now fans were putting the pieces together. In a matter of minutes, the tweet had over a thousand likes and replies.

 _Wait. Elle tweets about someone not dumping his girlfriend the same day Jo comes to see Kendall? That's too weird to be a coincidence._

 _Soooo did Elle just admit that she and Kendall were fucking? Because it's obvious._

 _Am I the only one who thought Jo and Kendall were over? They never mention each other and Kendall always looks at Elle like he's falling in love with her._

 _I told y'all #Kendelle was real. Elle's probably talking about Jo being in NYC. Throw that shade Elle get your man._

Those were just a few of the several thousand tweets. People posted comparison photos. One was of Kendall and Jo at breakfast this morning. Kendall's smile was small and didn't reach his eyes. He looked like the cat that ate the canary. He looked like he had been caught in a lie. Then there was a picture of Kendall and me on the red carpet at last night's award show. He was grinning at me even though I wasn't looking at him, his eyes were soft.

 _So you're trying to tell me that he's not with, or at least crushing on_ Elle, _and that he's with Jo? The boy has whole ass hearts in his eyes when he's looking at Elle. And then with Jo, he looks bored and sad. And then Elle's tweet? Seems like they were an item._

All the tweets that were pouring in seemed to agree that Kendall and I had been a thing. A few said it was just a coincidence but still thought it was weird. And clearly, the fans weren't the only ones who had seen the tweet. It had been online for 10 minutes or so when I jumped at the unexpected sound.

"Tell me the truth Kendall!" Jo's shouting was muffled as it came through the wall. "Why did she post that?"

Kendall scoffed. "I don't know. I don't follow her every move."

"Yeah, you just look at her like she's the whole world. God, that article said you were in sync like the sun and the planets. And apparently, it's fucking true."

"Jo, you're overreacting. Calm down, it's just a tweet. It could be about anyone."

This must have angered her because she sounded frustrated. "She just so happens to tweet about a guy's girlfriend the day I come to visit? And you two have all this chemistry. Are you sleeping with her?"

I felt a bit guilty about how vulnerable she sounded. Kendall was quiet for a minute. She had been direct and I wondered how he would talk himself out of this.

"Jo, listen. I-I, it's not like that. We've been together for six years."

I could hear her sniff. "That wasn't you saying no."

There was a long tense pause and I heard him sigh. He probably was running his hands through his hair and biting his lip.

"Y-Yeah we slept together." He admitted slowly. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It didn't mean anything to me, she doesn't mean anything to me."

Jo let out a sad sigh, I was just as shocked as she was. I hadn't expected him to admit it to her.

"When?" She was cold and detached.

"When what?"

She was pissed at his question. "When did you fuck her? How long have you been screwing her Kendall?"

"Uh, it was recent." I could hear him stammering, trying to keep himself from getting into more trouble. "Not long. She's jealous, I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter that she's jealous! You cheated on me! You cheated on me with Elle fucking Harper. You know the two of us never got along and I'm your girlfriend!"

It sounded like she was crying and I felt guilty. I timidly stepped out of my dressing room into the hall. The guys' eyes were full of shock when they saw me.

"Jo, wait where are you going?"

"Back to film my movie. I can't believe you! You told me there was nothing going on between you guys." From where I stood I could see her gathering her stuff. "I believed you! I don't know why because you never look at me the way you look at her."

Kendall was frowning and it almost hurt my heart to see him so sad. But then I remembered how awful he had been to me. He let out a long breath and reached out to her.

"Jo, please."

She stomped out of the dressing room and when she saw me, I braced myself. Her eyes were red and narrowed at me. Her hand was heavy as it went across my face. I cringed and held my cheek. Kendall took a step to stand in the middle of us, his arm stretched out to stop Jo.

"Shit, are you okay?"

"I g-guess I deserve that just a little," I said dryly, trying to lessen the tension. "But it takes two people to have sex."

"You're a slut." She hissed as she jabbed her finger into my chest. "You just had to fuck the guy with a girlfriend. But knowing you, you probably fucked his friends too."

"Jo I'm sorry. He said you were b-broken up. I even asked to make sure, I swear I never wanted to get between you guys."

This fueled her fury because she was shaking and her fists were clenched. She glanced at Kendall and then at me. "Well we weren't, it was a break."

"I'm sorry." I was staring over her shoulder at Kendall. He looked like he was going to be sick. "If we could take it back we would."

Jo's laugh was hollow. "I'm almost glad Jett put out that video of you. At least the world has proof that you're a whore."

I cringed harder at this than I did the slap. There it was again, the video being thrown in my face. There was nothing I could say and Jo turned to face Kendall. She pushed him a little.

"I'm done."

"Jo, don't go. She means nothing to me, _nothing_." He spat out the word nothing like I was worthless.

"No, she doesn't. If she meant nothing to you, you would have asked me if I was okay, not her. I'm done with all of this." She wasn't angry now, just sad. She spoke to me now. "Have fun being nothing but a whore."

With that she stormed out of the room and down the hall, her suitcase squeaking behind her. Kendall's shoulders slumped as he watched her go, but he made no move to follow. He was trembling and at first, I thought he was crying. But when he turned I realized he was pissed, angrier than I had ever seen him. His face was red and scrunched, his eyes were wild.

"Kendall. I-"

"Shut up!" He shouted and pointed his finger at me. "You're so goddamn stupid! Why the fuck would you tweet that?"

I hadn't expected him to shout at me, it startled me. "I-I'm sorry. I was angry and hurt and-"

"I don't want to hear your excuses. You knew Jo and I wanted to get back together, you knew that. But no, Elle always has to be the star of the show." His volume was growing louder and louder and when I stepped back I was against the wall. "You broke us up!"

"No, you did that when you kissed me, when you slept with me." I shot back, this wasn't all my fault. "You ruined your relationship the moment you decided to sleep with me."

"And that's my fault?" His words were nasty and he gripped my wrist. "You were asking for it, you're always fucking naked."

At that moment the Kendall I thought I knew was gone. The one who kissed me in the music shop, who defended me from Jett, who made me feel beautiful was gone. In his place was the Kendall who belittled me, insulted me and made me feel worthless. His hold on my wrist was tight and painful. His breathing was heavy and ragged.

"F-Fuck you." I was crying and trying to free my arm. "You couldn't keep it in your pants, you said you wanted to be with me."

His scoff was familiar and dismissive. "Are you really crying? You don't get to be sad, everything that happens to you is your fault!"

The impact of his words was enough to make me hit him with my free hand. "I can't take this back and forth anymore. You acted like you wanted to be with me. That you liked me and now you're acting like this. I can't play this game anymore."

"Who said I liked you?"

"You did! Every time you told me you were crazy about me, just now when we were outside you said you were falling for me." It came out as a shy whisper and I stared up at him. "You said I was your girl."

Kendall let out a short, mocking, laugh as he pressed his lips to my ear. "I said you were my girl not that you were my girlfriend. I just wanted to see how easy it was to fuck you. I never liked you, just how easy you were. Jett was right, you're disposable, a whore."

I felt sick to my stomach and when he pulled back he was smug. His words had sent a chill down my spine and I cried a bit harder. He was just mad, he didn't mean this, he couldn't mean it. I was too shocked to speak and tears fell down my face, his green eyes were full of amusement and his hold was still tight.

"You d-don't mean that."

"You're so stupid, did you think I would ever want to be with you? I love Jo, she's my girlfriend. Or she was until you ruined that for me."

When I finally found my voice it was shaking. I was embarrassed but I was also furious as things clicked together. "I am not a whore and I'm not stupid. This isn't my fault. I shouldn't have tweeted but you're a liar. You told me you broke up, you told Jo it was a break. You said you were done with her that you wanted to be with me. None of that was true, was it?"

He avoided my eye. "Shut up."

"That's why you wanted us to be a secret, not because you gave a shit about my music. You didn't want Jo seeing that you cheated." I turned so I was no longer against the wall. "That's why you're so upset because all your bullshit is falling apart."

"I'm not putting up with your shit. I'm done with you, Len."

I stepped out in front of him. "No, admit it to me! You like me and you can't handle that. You're pissed you fucked up."

"Get out of my way!" He ordered and glared at me. "You don't know anything."

Tears still streamed down my face. "No! This isn't all my fault, you said you like me, that you're crazy about me. I'm sorry I tweeted that but you lied to me. I won't say I want you and Jo to fix things, but I won't have you be mad at me."

"Move!"

"No! I'm not done talking about this! I won't be treated like shit, especially when you're wrong." I was louder now and I jabbed my finger in his chest. "You're a coward."

Kendall sucked in a large breath and the next thing I knew I was on the ground. I gasped at the pain in my back, I was shaky as I looked up at him. He stood over me, his chest heaving as he ran his hand over his face.

"You're nothing." His teeth were gritted and his words came out low. "Just do everyone a favor and kill yourself."

I was in shock as I watched him walk away. I was hyperventilating as I covered my mouth and blinked through hot tears. There were no thoughts running through my head. The room was silent, the only sound was the quiet roar of the fans who were eagerly waiting. I barely realized I was on my feet until Logan gently touched my cheek.

"Are you alright?"

My eyebrows were pulled together in confusion as I looked around. Everyone and I mean everyone was watching, even the stage crew. Liz was red in the face and shaking her finger at Gustavo. I had been so caught up in our fight I hadn't even noticed them. Embarrassment and shame washed over me and I sniffled.

"I'm f-fine, fuck him." I rubbed my face and inhaled deeply. "I n-need my mic."

Liz had taken a break from threatening Gustavo to come over to me. Her arm went around my shoulder and she pulled me aside, she wiped my face with a tissue.

"Elle."

"I'm fine, I just need to go on stage." I sounded strained. "It's okay."

"Elle, come on."

I shook my head. "He's just mad, it's fine. If he's anything like Jett he'll apologize and I'll deal with it."

This certainly wasn't the first time Liz had found me crying backstage and all I wanted was to spend time with my fans. My manager sighed and hooked me up to my mic pack and I put in my inner ear pieces.

"Uh, just make sure he doesn't pull any shit on stage. He's unpredictable."

Liz nodded and I walked past the guys on my way to the stage. All of their faces wore sympathetic expressions, they looked disgusted by what they just saw.

"Hey, wait." James stopped me and smoothed my hair down. "Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm just pissed at him."

Carlos rubbed my arm. "It's not your fault. We've never seen him act like that, it was nauseating."

"He's upset he got caught in a lie. We all thought he and Jo were over, he told us they were."

"Well, she didn't get the message," I grumbled and crossed my arms. "I know I shouldn't have tweeted that but-"

Logan held up his hand. "But nothing. You can tweet whatever you want, he shouldn't have done that."

My smile was weak but grateful. Since the beginning of summer, these guys had stood by my side no matter what. I pulled them into a group hug for just a moment.

"Thanks, guys. I appreciate you all so much."

"Anytime." James smiled. "Break a leg."

I was still upset, still sore and still shaken but when I stepped out onstage I felt a little better. The warm lights were soothing and the noise of the fans cleared my head.

"New York City! Are you ready to have some fun?"

The cheers were loud and welcoming and I felt loved. Even if my relationship with Kendall had turned to shit, I still had my fans and right now that's all that mattered to me. Despite all the drama that had occured the first five or so songs went well. As I moved into the newer songs my heart hurt a little. They were all about Kendall, every single one. And now, after everything that happened, I felt dumb. But I pushed through it.

"You make me glow but I cover up and won't let it show." My face pulled into a bit of a frown. "But I'm putting my defenses up, I don't want to fall in love."

Out of habit, I glanced to the side of the stage to smile at Kendall. But he wasn't there, in his place I saw Liz shouting at Gustavo. I swallowed hard and went back to singing. It was then that I noticed a lot of people on their phones. They weren't filming me, they were reading. It dawned on me they probably saw my tweet. I cleared my throat.

"Is everyone having a good time?"

The cheering wasn't as loud as I expected it to be and my stomach twisted. What if they were mad at me for the tweet? Or thought I was being petty? I laughed nervously and out of the corner of my eye, I saw frantic waving. Carlos was practically onstage and so was Liz, they were waving me towards them. I was confused and frowned. During a show you never left the stage, that was an industry practice. Something had to be wrong.

"I'm having some mic problems, sorry guys." I grinned, trying to quell the anxiety I felt. "Back in a flash."

I sprinted off the stage and Liz was quick to take my microphone away. "Come here."

"W-What's wrong?" The tension in the backstage area was tangible and I felt it right away. It was even tenser than it had been twenty minutes ago. The guys seemed angry and Kelly avoided my eye. That's when I noticed Kendall still wasn't back. "Where's Kendall, is he okay?"

He may have treated me like shit but I didn't want him to be hurt or anything. James let out a breath and gave me a fake smile, it did nothing to make me less worried. He looked at Liz who nodded and they both put an arm around me.

"We couldn't let you be onstage. Not while this is happening." Liz began, her words were gentle. "I am going to fix this, I swear to god."

"Fix what?" I pressed, growing annoyed. "What the hell is happening?"

James pushed his phone into my hands. "We're so fucking sorry."

I looked at Logan and Carlos with confusion before looking at the phone. And then it felt like I had been hit by a train, punched in the gut and had the air knocked from my lungs all at once. Tears instantly welled up and I shook my head. I couldn't believe what I was looking at, I blinked. My eyes had to be tricking me.

"W-What?"

Have you ever had one of those moments where life catches you so entirely off guard that you have to look around to see if there are hidden cameras? And it feels like there is no way that the situation could be real? I had experienced that feeling a lot over the past two years, I had felt it earlier today. But this time it really was unexpected.

"This has to be some kind of cruel joke, right?" I questioned, trying to keep the horror from rising in my voice. "I mean you can't be serious about this."

"Elle, we're so sorry."

"This i-isn't happening."

But it was, I was staring at it. The tweet was right in front of me and so were the images.

 _That moment when she's bitter you just fucked her as a joke._

I could barely comprehend the words because the pictures were what my eyes kept going back to. I stared at myself.

My breasts, my smirk, and my dark eyes stared back at me. I stared at my sleeping body that was wearing nothing but Kendall's shirt.

And most sickeningly of all, I stared at how many retweets it had gotten before it was taken down.

Hundreds of thousands of people had seen it and shared it.

Kendall had posted my nudes, the private pictures I had taken for him on his phone the first night we fooled around. We had admitted our feelings for each other but I hadn't wanted to have sex so I took pictures. He shared a picture of me sleeping in his bed. His hand was in the frame, the stupid matching bracelet I had bought in Virginia proved it was him. He posted them online for the world to see. I felt dizzy and swayed, Logan held me steady. It felt like I was going to throw up but I was too in shock to do it. I could barely get words out let alone be sick.

"T-This isn't happening. It can't be. He w-wouldn't, n-no."

I looked at James' phone again. It was a screenshot of the tweet and pictures. The timestamp was for a half hour ago, right when I took the stage. Things clicked together, the fans had seen it, that's why they had been weird. I cried and shook my head furiously

"He deleted it a few minutes ago but people retweeted it," Liz explained as she held my shoulders. "I can fix this though."

"Where is he?" I croaked, trying to keep myself from falling apart. "Oh my god."

"Elle."

"N-No! Where is he?" I demanded. "He doesn't get to hide from me!"

Carlos pointed towards the hallway that led to the backstage area we were in. Kendall walked into the room, dressed in the outfit he wore for our duet, his jaw was clenched. It took him all of three seconds to see the tears on my face and the phone I was holding. He let out a long breath and his green eyes were full of guilt. He opened his mouth to speak but I didn't let him.

"How could you do this to me?"

He buried his fists in his pockets and sighed. "I was pissed that you b-broke up me and Jo."

"I broke you up? I think you did that when you lied to both of us!" My words were loud and made Kendall jump. "You were mad so you posted my nudes? Those were p-private. You know how I felt about being exposed, especially after the video of me came out."

"Eleanor, s-shit I'm sorry." He was quiet enough so only the two of us can hear. "I'm sorry for all of i-it, this, for shoving you. I'm so fucking sorry. I was mad at you and I know I overreacted."

My fingers gripped the phone so tight that they cramped. I read the tweet over and over, trying to understand what it meant. Tears continued to roll down my face as I stared at my naked self and the words he had used. A joke. None of this made any sense.

"W-what did you mean when you said it was a joke?" My mouth barely opened, I didn't trust myself not to sob. "I-I'm a joke to you?"

Kendall acted like my question was a punch to the stomach. He cringed a little and ran his hand through his hair, he avoided my eye. His mouth was a thin line like he was trying to keep the words from spilling out. I held the phone up to his face.

"That moment when she's bitter you just fucked her as a joke." My words were hollow as I recited the tweet. "What does that fucking mean?"

Kendall shook his head and pushed the phone away from him. "Please don't."

"Tell her Kendall."

We both turned, his friends' faces were wracked with guilt and anger. My stomach sank, what did they know that I didn't?

"Kendall?" I whispered, my heart was already breaking at whatever he was going to say. "Tell me."

His green eyes were unblinking and he folded his arms. He was searching for the right words but he was struggling. "N-No."

"If you don't tell her we will," Carlos said from behind us.

"She deserves the truth, Kendall."

"Just tell her!"

"I'll tell you when we're alone." He took my hand. "We need to be alone."

I shook my head, I was also angry. "Tell me right here, so I know you're not lying to me again."

"Go on Kendall, tell her everything." James' voice was hard. "Now."

His friends' words had gotten under his skin because his temper flared. He dropped my hand and used it to pull at his hair. He was shaking and when he finally spoke it was a frustrated shout.

"It was a fucking bet!"

The words hung in the air, echoing off of the walls. My heart broke into a million tiny pieces and I was horrified. Kendall was talking frantically now, probably trying to explain himself to me. His hands held onto my shoulders and it looked like he was about to cry. But I couldn't hear a single word he said, the only sound was my pulse pounding in my ears. I was crying even harder now and my hands were shaking.

"No." I heard myself choke out. "N-No."

"I'm sorry. I-"

"What do you mean it was a bet?" I asked softly, the words were hard to get out. "Don't lie to me."

He scratched his jaw and swallowed hard. "Someone bet me I couldn't sleep with you before the tour was over."

I was disgusted. "What the fuck. Who?"

He ducked his head and squeezed his eyes shut like he was trying to wish away what was happening.

"Who was it?" I insisted as I bit the inside of my cheek. "Who the fuck put you up to this?"

He refused to let his eyes meet mine. His words were lost in his mumbling. But I heard just enough to burst into tears again. It sent a shock through my system and the hairs on my neck stood up.

"Jett." He said miserably, still not looking at me.

It was like a shot to the chest. A chill washed over me.

"No." I breathed and took a step back from him. "You didn't, y-you wouldn't."

"Baby, god, it was a mistake."

"What proof does he have?" The thought of Jett seeing me naked made me want to collapse. "I want to see what you sent him."

Kendall was against this right away. "No. It's just what I tweeted."

"Show me! You owe me that much."

After a moment of hesitation, Kendall handed me his phone. He had pulled up the texts between himself and Jett. The most recent one was enough to make my head spin.

 _Damn, I guess you are sleeping with her. Probably not anymore because you were a dumbass and tweeted it._

I scrolled up to see the only things he had sent were the three nudes he had posted online. The more I scrolled the more infrequent their texts got. Jett would ask how it was going and Kendall would tell him to fuck off. This left me with more questions than answers. If he was so annoyed with Jett why did he do it? Why would Jett even care enough?

"How could you do this to me?" I took a step away from him, I didn't want him near me. "You didn't just think of this."

Kendall looked around the room, for an escape. "Can we talk in private?"

"No! You forfeited any privacy when you posted those pictures." I was so angry that I was almost numb. "I can't believe you. How long has this been planned?"

"Baby, listen-"

"Don't call me that." I seethed.

"Eleanor." He cleared his throat. "I thought you were a bad p-person. I agreed to this before I met you, it was supposed to be a dumb joke. Jett said you were easy and when he found out you were opening for us, he thought it would be funny. I-I only agreed because of how you used to be shitty to Jo and I knew Jett would get under your skin. He didn't think you'd make a comeback and I wanted to get back at you for being rude to Jo. It's so stupid, I know it is. I'm sorry, Len."

This confession made me sick to my stomach. Jett had been behind all of this, Kendall had no idea how deep this went. It was all a joke to him, it had all been a giant joke. _I_ had been a giant joke to him. I was surprised I still had tears left to cry as I sobbed. It wasn't even a good reason to agree to the bet. My behavior towards Jo had been because she sided with Jett when the tape came out and had been rude to me when I visited the set of their show.

"That's so stupid, you're an idiot." I shook my head and held my hands up. "That's not a reason to do this to a person. You were awful to me at the beginning of the tour. Why? If it was all a bet, why did you make me feel like shit?"

Kendall patted the pocket he kept his cigarettes in, his stress was obvious. "Part of it was b-because I wanted to get even, and the other was because I didn't want to see you as anything more than what Jett said you were."

"So you wanted to see me as a whore? A conquest?" My voice was small. "You're unbelievably disgusting."

"I'm so sorry."

A thought occured to me and I turned around. Logan, James, and Carlos had been mostly silent since Kendall showed his face. They stood a few feet away along with the crowd that had gathered once again. They looked choked up over all of this but that didn't stop me from speaking to them. My heart was already broken but I needed to know.

"We're you in on t-this?"

The three of them shared a look and it was Logan who was brave enough to talk. "On the bet?"

My stomach sank and all I could think of was the way Jett's friends had laughed as I had been drugged. Had they laughed at me behind my back? Did Kendall make jokes about me to them? Had they tried to sleep with me too?

"Did you set me up like Jett and his stupid friends? Did you know about this?"

I was yelling at them and they jumped. James covered his mouth with his hand and looked away.

"James?" I whispered and sniffed. "P-Please."

He let out a sigh. "We knew, h-he mentioned it. But we had no part in this, I swear to god. We told him how shitty it was."

"Is this true?" I turned to Kendall. "Or did Jett try to get them to sleep with me too?"

Kendall was quick to shake his head. "He's telling the truth, they tried to talk me out of it."

"And for the most part, we did. I mean, we thought he dropped it because you two had your own game going."

There were a million thoughts running through my mind at once. But a particular moment stood out to me for some reason, James' words had jogged my memory. It had been in Chicago, the night we filmed my video. I had been getting ready to go on set when I heard them talking.

 _"We all see how you look at each other, is this still the bet you told us about?"_ James' voice had been hushed. _"Because we still think it's fucking shitty and gross."_

Kendall had responded by saying no. I let out a confused groan and rubbed my fists into my swollen eyes. I was hurt and angry and Kendall's motives made zero sense.

"S-See babe? It stopped being a bet as soon as you and I got close." Kendall said quietly as he grabbed my hand. "I just sent that tweet because I was mad. I'm so fucking sorry. I messed up and I know that, but it wasn't always a bet. It was just before I met you and the first few weeks of the tour."

"Let go of me." I pleaded and pulled my arm back. "I don't care what it was, I care that you exposed me."

Kendall was insistent. "But then I fell for you, I swear to god I forgot all about that bet."

For the first time, I realized what a bet meant. He had been trying to fuck me to gain something. "What did you bet?"

He hadn't been expecting that. "What do you mean?"

"What was your prize for getting proof that you fucked me?"

"Eleanor, no."

"Tell me!"

Kendall ran his hand through his hair. "If I proved it by the end of the tour, it was $500 and bragging rights."

A mortified gasp worked its way out of me. "500 bucks and bragging rights are all I-I'm worth to you?"

"No. God, no." He said quickly as he shushed me, he looked ready to faint. "This was before I knew you, before I realized how amazing you are. You're priceless, baby."

"Don't call me baby!" I shouted and another thought dawned on me. "Don't call me that, don't touch me! You horrendous asshole."

"Shh, please just let me explain." He pleaded, he was in tears. "Len, please."

"No! T-That night, after that dad yelled at me at a restaurant you were on the phone." I was quiet as the pieces clicked together. "Do you remember?"

The look of pain on his face made it clear that he did. "Y-Yeah."

"I wanted to thank you for standing up for me. You said his name on the phone but then hung up and said it was J-Jo." I held onto my stomach, trying not to get sick over the implications of this. "You lied, you were talking to him about me, weren't you?"

He knew he was caught so he just nodded. "He wanted to see how it was going. But if you remember I told him I wasn't sure about the bet."

As much as I wanted to say I didn't, I could still hear his voice. I could practically see him rolling his eyes at whoever had been on the phone. Now I knew it had been Jett.

 _"I just think it's sketchy and disgusting. I'll keep it in mind though but still, I don't know Jett-"_

That had been when he saw me, he had acted like it was his girlfriend before hanging up. But that didn't change the fact that he had betrayed me, that he had stooped low enough to embarrass me, to shove me. It didn't make those pictures disappear.

"That doesn't make up for any of this."

"I-I know and I'm sorry. I want to fix this."

I threw my hands up. "You think you can fix this? Hundreds of thousands of people have seen me naked. I look like an idiot and you pushed me. There is no fixing this!"

Kendall's quiet tears had been replaced by frustration. "I screwed up! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. But you can't look at me and say you didn't have feelings."

"Maybe I did, but you didn't. You were always a dick, you were a bigger one than I thought." I shouted back at him and ripped off my mic pack. "You made me doubt myself all summer and when we finally got close you did this. I'm done, K-Kendall. I'm over it."

As I pushed by him my heart was racing. He gripped my arm and turned me towards him. "S-Stop. What are you doing, where are you going?"

"I have to g-go." I was panicked at the thought of what was happening. "Let me go."

"Go? Go where?"

My anxiety was crippling and everything was out of focus. I wasn't looking at Kendall, I was looking at a stranger and my world was falling apart. Everything was wrong, it was ruined. My life, my comeback, everything was tarnished. I could hear the fans who were just a few feet away. The thought of all their eyes on me, on the tweet and pictures, made me dizzy. Everyone was looking at me, it felt like I was naked in front of a crowd. Which thanks to him, I was.

"I h-have to go. I'm done."

I freed myself and elbowed him as I passed. All I wanted was to disappear, I wanted to sink deep into the earth and never come back. But first I had to get away from all these fucking people. Away from him.

"It may have started as a bet but that d-doesn't matter now." His voice was trembling. "Eleanor."

"How can you say it doesn't matter?" This did nothing to stop me from trying to leave. I didn't even turn around, I couldn't look at him. "It was all a lie."

"It doesn't matter what it started as." He paused for a moment. "It doesn't matter because I'm f-falling in love with you."

This made me stop short, all the air was gone from the room. I slowly turned around and when I saw him, my mouth went dry.

" _What_?"

His green eyes were full of anguish and he looked desperate. He was reaching out to me, his pink lips were pulled into a faint and bittersweet smile.

"It may have started as a bet. But it was real, everything I felt, everything I said to you was real." And then he said it again, full of confidence this time. "I love you."

In his mind, this was probably meant to fix everything. It was supposed to make me stay and tell him it was all going to be okay. Which was probably why the way I broke down made him frown. My tears were hot and my body heaved.

"I d-don't care."

He moved towards me, trying to close the gap. "Why not? I do, I know that now. I'm falling in love with you. I have been all summer."

He flashed me that smile, the damn smile that started it all. It was soft and gentle, all the things he hadn't been today, that he had never been. It was like a knife to the chest. My words were pitiful as they came out as a whimper.

"Because I don't know if it's a bet to make me say it back."

His face fell and he put his hands on my hips. They felt foreign and were rough against my bare skin. I pushed him with all the force I had, he stumbled back.

"Don't touch me, don't you ever touch me."

Before he could react I took off for my dressing room. I slammed the door behind me and broke down for a moment. It felt like I was going to be sick but my instinct to flee propelled me forward. I shoved the belongings I had brought with me into my bag, paying no attention to where I put things. I just had to go, I had to leave this venue, this city, all of it.

I was crying as I ripped off my stage outfit. I pulled on the clothes I had worn earlier, the door opened a crack. Kendall was trying to get in and I shook my head.

"L-Leave!" I hurled one of my stage heels at him. "I don't want to look at you!"

Clearly, he wasn't good at following directions because he came inside. He watched as I sped around the room, shoving clothes and my computer into my bag. I was probably forgetting some things but it didn't matter. I had to get out of here, it felt like the walls were caving in on me. I zipped my bag shut and threw it over my shoulder.

"Move."

Kendall was blocking the doorway and when he saw my bag he let out a sigh. "You're leaving?"

"Obviously, now move Kendick."

He stepped out of my way but held onto the strap of my bag. "Baby please."

Liz forced herself between us, she looked ready to cry too. "Elle."

"I-I know I didn't finish my set but I h-have to go," I begged. "Please don't make me go out there."

She nodded and wiped my cheeks with her thumbs. "Shh, you don't have to. Do you want me to come with you?"

I looked over at Kendall who had tears in his eyes. "Stay here and make sure he doesn't fuck up my life any more than he already has."

With that, Liz kissed me on the cheek and I hoisted my bag higher on my shoulder.

"Wait, let me come with you." Kendall struggled to keep up with how quickly I walked. "Baby, please. I'll come with you and we can talk about all of this. I'm so sorry. You're leaving me? You can't."

I turned on my heel, my teeth were gritted. "I'm not yours, you don't own me. I'm leaving this tour, this stupid city, and all your bullshit. I quit."

Kendall was frantic and he let out a strangled cry. "Please don't go."

"Don't let him follow me," I asked Liz and the guys. "I h-have to go."

The door I went out led out to a busy street. The sudden sound of traffic and pouring rain was jarring compared to the relative quiet of the venue. I flagged down a taxi and flinched when I heard him.

"Get off of me!"

I turned to see Kendall in the doorway. James and Carlos had a grip on his arm as he tried to pull him back inside. But Kendall shook his friends loose and made a break for it. I slipped into the taxi.

"Airport, please. I don't care which one."

Kendall tried to open the door and knocked on the window. His teary eyes matched mine but I watched as Logan and James forced him away.

"Len, I'm sorry!"

"Is he coming too?"

I held Kendall's gaze for a moment before shaking my head. "No, we can go."

The taxi pulled out onto the busy street. And through the rain and windshield wipers, I peered out the back window. Kendall stood there, tears in his eyes, watching me leave.

* * *

"Elle! Are you dating Kendall?"

"Elle! Did you break up Jo and Kendall?"

I covered my face and pushed my sunglasses further up my nose. I had been at the airport for all of ten minutes and the press had spotted me. They flocked around me and the flashes from the cameras were dizzying. I bit back a sob as I bought a last minute ticket. It was a one way back to Los Angeles, I was going home. The tour was over for me and I knew I wouldn't be coming back to New York for a long time.

"Why would he post your nudes?"

"Leave me alone," I begged as I made my way to security. "Ask him, it's his fault, not mine."

In some ways, it was almost cinematic. The rain, the press, the bright lights of New York City, it was like a cheesy rom-com. But this time there wouldn't be a happy ending, the leading man wouldn't stop me from getting on a plane at the last second. There would be no kiss or declaration of love. And even if there was, it wouldn't change anything. When I finally settled into my seat, I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Miss, you're going to have to turn your phone off in a few minutes."

The flight attendant pulled me from me from my thoughts. It was then I noticed that my phone was vibrating furiously. It was loud enough for all of the first class section to hear.

"Y-Yeah, sorry." I was a bit dazed. "When we take off can I please get a drink? Something strong."

She nodded before moving on. My phone buzzed again, it was Kendall. In the short time, it took me to get to the airport, buy a ticket and board my flight he had called me twenty-three times. There were a dozen texts from him, all begging me not to go.

I declined them all. Maybe he'd call me someday and realized he had run out of chances. But for now, I opened my Twitter. My mentions were flooded with the pictures and now there was a video. Apparently, someone backstage had gotten a small clip of Kendall and I fighting. I didn't care though, for the second time today I tweeted.

I shared three pictures, just like he did. One was a selfie when we had our beach date. His lips were pressed to my cheek and we held up our wrists to show off our matching bracelets. The next was one of us in bed, we both had sex hair and smiles on our faces. And finally, there was the one his friends had taken. We were asleep, I was in his hoodie and he held me close. He had stood up for me that day. That had been the day I started to see how great he actually was. The caption was simple.

 _This is what he didn't show you._

I uploaded it and sent Liz a text, saying that I was about to take off. After that I turned off my phone, I was done with the world. I didn't want to see anyone or be seen.

"I'm done." I thought as we moved down the tarmac. "I'm done with all of this."

The plane lifted into the sky and I looked down at the city beneath me. New York had always made me anxious. It made me feel alone and unseen. Or at least it used too. My life had just fallen to pieces for everyone to see. But now, as I climbed higher and higher into the sky I was grateful for the anonymity that used to make me nervous. This summer was supposed to be my fresh start. I was supposed to make a comeback and prove that I was more than the Jett incident. I had never planned on Kendall and I getting together. I never thought I'd fall for him. And I guess it had been too good to be true. My heart hurt as I replayed everything that had happened today. All the hard work I had put into cleaning up my image was gone. All the progress I had made in order to overcome my trauma so I could be close to Kendall was undone. My private life and public humiliation were on display for everyone below to see.

But for now, I disappeared into thin air.

* * *

AN: Ah! Things really took a turn this chapter. Not once, not twice, but three times! Did any of you see this coming? I've been subtly hinting at this from the start, from the first line of this fic. I've tried to show that Kendall has a temper and it can get the better of him. I think all of the events and stress went to his head. But also, let's talk about Jett and how he put Kendall up to this. I've hinted at this too but it will become clear in chapter 24. And of course, let's talk about our girl Elle. She left the tour and has been exposed once again. She's strong but this was a shock. Finally, Kendall said he's falling in love with her! God, I'm so glad this chapter is finally out for the world to see. I'm still so nervous about how you all are going to react to this. If it seems out of character just hold on to that thought because all has not been revealed. Elle still has a few secrets up her sleeve and so does Kendall.

Chapter 24 should be up the week after next just because I want to do it justice. Stylistically it will be a bit different. I can't wait for you to read it. But until then, let me know what your favorite part was and what your reactions were. My favorite parts were the fight when Jo found out Kendall was lying to her and when Kendall admitted he was falling in love with Elle. And of course, the final scene where Elle left. What was your favorite? Thank you so, so, so much for reading and reviewing.


	24. Chapter 24

AN: Welcome back Rushers! First I just want to thank you for the reviews and love I got for the last chapter. I was really nervous to post to it but I'm glad you enjoyed it! I appreciate it. Also, I apologize for not updating last week. I wanted to take the time to make this chapter special. This features the second climax of the story. This chapter is longer than the last chapter but there was no way to cut it in half without ruining the flow and I figured a long update would make up for not posting it last week.

This chapter is stylistically a bit different in the sense that there are long flashbacks and perspective changes at one point. I wanted to show all sides of the story and I like how it turned out. Things pick up where chapter 23 ended and follow the next few days. There are scenes at the beginning that could potentially upset some readers so be careful! You'll see the final secrets Elle has been keeping up her sleeve. I hope you enjoy this chapter let me know what your favorite part was.

Thanks!

* * *

"It looks like troubled pop princess Elle Harper is in the middle of another sex scandal."

Click.

"A big time scandal has rocked the Count Me In Tour. It looks like Kendall Knight has leaked private pictures of Elle Harper."

Click.

"Everyone's wondering how long were they dating?"

Click.

Turning on the TV may not have been the best idea. But the thoughts in my head were too loud and overwhelming and I was desperate for a distraction. I had been back in Los Angeles for a little over an hour. After fighting the press off at the airport and flagging down a cab I had made it back to my apartment. I had spent the five hours drinking alone in first class and trying to make sense of what had happened. It still made zero sense and it felt like a hole had been ripped open in my chest. The lump in my throat made it hard to breathe and my stomach was sick. I came out from throwing up in the bathroom and found my phone. Turning it on made the nauseous feeling worse. It buzzed incessantly, lighting up with notification after notification.

32 calls and 27 texts.

That's how many times Kendall had tried to contact me. There were also texts from the guys and from Liz, but it was the number of voicemails that really got to me. Begrudgingly, I held my phone to my ear.

"Len, it's me. I'm so sorry." Kendall was hoarse like he had been crying. "Please come back, I'm sorry."

The sound of his voice used to make me smile, but right now it filled me with dread. Tears stung my eyes and I let Liz know that I made it back to my apartment in one piece. And then after summoning my courage, I opened my social media. My name was the number one trend and the screenshot of Kendall's post had been shared nearly half a million times. The words still felt like a knife in the chest when I read them.

 _That moment when she's bitter you just fucked her as a joke._

It didn't matter that he had been angry the words still hurt. People had been reacting to the pictures for hours and I couldn't help but read them.

 _I feel bad her pictures were leaked but she shouldn't have come between Kendall and Jo._

 _Maybe you shouldn't fuck guys with girlfriends... #justsaying_

 _So much for a new image._

All I could do was cry as I read through all the tweets that blamed me for everything. They called me a slut, said once a whore always a whore, and said my comeback was over. I clicked on the video someone had filmed of us backstage. It was shaky at first but then stabilized. We were shouting about Jo before Kendall rolled his eyes at me.

"Move!" Kendall's jaw was clenched and even onscreen I could see how upset he was.

"No! I'm not done talking about this! I won't be treated like shit, especially when you're wrong. You're a coward."

That's when it happened. I saw his anger boil over and the fear on my face as he shoved me. I winced when I watched myself get shoved into the wall.

"You're nothing. Just do everyone a favor and-"

I closed out of the video, I didn't want to hear him say it again. The panic had set in and I sobbed. How could he say that to me, how could he do that to me? Each sob I let out was shaky and all I could hear were the words he had hissed at me. He said I was nothing, that I should kill myself. My eyes were glued to my phone as I read one tweet after the next.

 _She's so pathetic, maybe if she kept her clothes on Jett and Kendall wouldn't have done that._

 _Elle should just stop trying..._

 _#Eleawhore is back you guys._

There were positive tweets from my fans saying that Kendall shouldn't have reacted like that, that it wasn't my fault. But they were buried under all the negativity. I was fully panicked now, my pulse pounded in my ears, my mouth was dry and my head was swimming. I gripped the sides of my head as my knees buckled. I was a laughing stock, I was worthless and everyone knew it. The noise in my head wouldn't stop and it was debilitating.

"How could he do this?" I gasped to myself. "How could he do this?"

Every moment we had shared played on a loop. The first time he had kissed me in the dressing room and how confusing it had been. The way I had fallen asleep on his shoulder in the back lounge of the bus. Our first real kiss in the music store, I could still feel how Kendall had been shaking. And of course, the way he had made me feel safe enough to sleep with him. The smell of his soap and his cigarettes were burned into my memory. But the shame that coursed through my veins overrode all of this. All of the sweet moments we shared were overshadowed by the pictures he had shared, how my ears buzzed when he shouted at me, how he pushed me to the ground.

I just wanted it to stop.

My body was on autopilot as I staggered into my bathroom. When I saw myself in the mirror it was all too familiar. My skin was clammy, my brown eyes were bloodshot and tears stained my face. I was hollow, just like I had been after the Jett incident. And just like the aftermath of the Jett incident I opened the cabinet and found the long-forgotten bottle and metal tucked behind my face wash and toothpaste. I was already drunk but I pulled the vodka from my nearly empty fridge. My heart was erratic as I pried off the lid of both bottles once I was safely locked away in my bedroom.

"I a-always fuck it up. Everything's ruined." I whimpered as I was wracked with sobs as I pressed into my arms. "There's n-no point."

All my focus was on the unbridled panic in my brain. It was deafening and it felt like my head would simply explode. I couldn't trust Kendall, I couldn't trust anyone. Everything was a lie. I drank deeply, choking down the mouthful of vodka and pills. I had already been decently drunk when I got home but this felt better. The blood was sticky as it trailed down my arms. But it didn't stop me from slicing line after line into my skin. Distantly, I thought about it would stain my bedding but then it realized it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. This was better.

"It's gonna be okay, it's all okay." I hummed to myself. "Breathe."

It wasn't long before my eyes started to feel heavy. I had been looking at my notifications as I waited for things to kick in. It only reassured me of my decision especially when I saw Kendall's tweet once again.

"Fucked her as a joke," I said bitterly. "I'm a fucking joke."

My stomach ached and I ignored all the texts he had sent me so I could send him one.

 _I did everyone a favor._

His reply was instant but I didn't see it because I finally laid down. My phone vibrated frantically with texts and calls. The dark room was lit up by the screen, one call after the next. But for me, everything faded to black.

* * *

 _16 Months Ago_

"I'm c-coming."

My body ached and I hissed in pain as I stood up. I shuffled to the door and when I opened it my stomach sank. He was leaning against the doorframe and winced at the sight of me.

"Damn baby, what happened to your face?"

It had been a few days since I had been attacked by Jett. My body was sore and my face was covered with ugly bruises and scratches. My mind was groggy, I hadn't been able to fall asleep. Sleeping pills were the only way I could still function. Jett didn't seem concerned by any of this.

I blinked at him in disbelief as he walked past me into my apartment. "You held onto my face so I couldn't scream."

Jett scoffed at this before pressing a quick kiss to my lips. "I don't remember, are you sure you didn't run into a door or something?"

"Did I run into a-? You're unbelievable." I was so appalled I could barely speak as he sat on my couch and made himself at home. "You drugged me."

"You seemed like you were having a good time." He pulled me down next to him. "You were into it."

I folded my arms over my chest and sniffed. "I was into it? Was that before or after I begged you to stop?"

"You liked it, you wrapped your legs around me." Jett reasoned, his smirk grew as he spoke. "So you got a little roughed up? It's fine."

All I could think of was how heavy his body had been on top of mine. I had wrapped my legs around him to get him to finish faster, so the torture would end. No part of me had been into it. But he was fucking oblivious to that detail. He even chuckled when I flinched at his touch.

"Don't be so jumpy Len." His lips brushed over my ear. "If you wanted me to stop you should have said something."

"I did!" My voice was shrill now. "I shouted for you to stop, to get off of me but you h-held me down."

Jett didn't seem to realize how awful he had been or if he had, he didn't care. "If you say so."

"I can't be with you anymore," I whispered, avoiding his eye. "You need to go."

This prompted him to stand up, he held his hands out. "You're breaking up with me?"

"You raped me, I can't be with you anymore." I was halfway across the living room, ready to throw him out. "It's unforgivable and once I get the police involved-"

This caught his attention. "You fucking wouldn't."

"I am! Liz knows something's wrong. I've been avoiding her so she wouldn't see my face but I'm going to tell her."

He laughed a little like I had told a joke. "No one will believe you, especially when they see how much you wanted it."

"When they see? What are you talking about?"

Jett pulled his phone from his pocket and hummed to himself, he was almost giddy as he showed me. "The guys and I had a little too much fun."

The video was shaky at first but when it came into focus I had to keep my hand over my mouth so I wouldn't be sick. I watched as I struggled against Jett, his hands gripped my arms to my side. He was smiling as he kissed me.

"I don't want to do this." I slurred. "Ow, stop it."

"You want this, you want this right now, you love me."

I was horrified as I watched him grip my face and tear my dress. Jett sped up the video and he nodded at the screen. Now my legs were wrapped around him, my hands were in his hair.

"I fucking love you." He muttered.

"I love you too." My voice was soft and I couldn't hear what I said after that.

Jett waved his phone in front of my face. "That's what people are going to see, how much you wanted me."

"I-I didn't want you." I was in tears. "I did that so you'd stop. W-Why did you film that?"

He put his hand on my waist. "Because I always wanted a video of us. Just like you wanted me, you wrapped your legs around me and let me do that, you love me."

I took a large step back and shoved him. "Y-You're a monster. How could you do this to me?"

"You embarrassed me when I overdosed. You called an ambulance, do you have any idea what that could have done to my reputation?"

Just a few weeks ago, Jett had taken too many of his antidepressants. He had gotten really sick so I had called 911. He had been livid about it even though the press hadn't paid much attention to it. This had all been some kind of twisted revenge, I shook my head as tears burned in my eyes.

"I thought you were going to _die_ and then you cheated on me. This isn't my fault!"

"I loved you, you know that? But I can't risk my reputation."

"So you're going to ruin mine? You're in the video too."

He shrugged. "People already think you're slutty because of your music. And everyone knows guys never get slut shamed."

"I can't believe you."

"Look at it this way, everyone has a sex tape." He smiled at me but his voice was threatening. "Don't go to the police and you won't have this problem."

I was in shock and could only sputter. This was a nightmare, I blinked, hoping I would wake up. But Jett was still there, looking too proud of himself. He leaned in and kissed me.

"See ya, Eleanor."

It wasn't until a few days later that I made up my mind. I was out of LA, in Vegas filming a new music video. I was finally brave enough to text him. Liz had been disgusted when I told her the truth and encouraged me to stand up for myself.

 _I don't care, I told Liz. You can't do this to a person._

It took him a while to reply but when he did I almost collapsed.

 _You might want to rethink that, babe._

There was a link and when I clicked it, it took me to a website. A gossip blog had just published the video. The title made me dizzy.

 **Pop Princess Elle Harper's Sex Tape**

And there it was, Jett raping me on the sink. The video started with me telling Jett I loved him. I watched as it looked like we were a normal couple having sex. He hadn't included the part where I begged him to get off of me. My knees buckled and I fell back onto the couch. The video had already been picked up by bigger websites like E News, Backstage Access, and TMZ. Liz texted me, saying to ignore the press. But of course, I turned on the TV to E News.

"And we have breaking news about everyone's favorite wild child Elle Harper. It looks like she and boyfriend Jett Stetson made a sex tape"

There was a thumbnail from the video behind the two hosts' head. "The video has been shared countless times already and some are calling for Elle's label to drop her. This isn't the first scandal for the young star who has already been the target of parents for her raunchy lyrics."

Tears streamed down my face as I became obsessed with the coverage. My face and name were everywhere. On social media, my follower count was dropping dramatically and nasty messages rolled in.

 _Elle Harper is a bad influence to young girls everywhere. Her label needs to drop her and stop pushing this oversexed crap on our kids._

 _That bitch doesn't deserve pity all her songs are about her getting fucked anyway._

 _Omg I hope Jett doesn't get fired for this. It's all her fault._

My body trembled with violent sobs and I was shaking as I paced around my hotel room. My head was a mess of panic, anger, and despair. I needed to make it stop, everyone was looking at my rape, everyone saw I had been violated but thought it was my fault. My legs were shaky as I locked the door and climbed into the bathtub. The water was hot. But the liquor I used to swallow the pills was cold. I was still sobbing as the water slowly turned pink from where my arms were bleeding. I could hear the frantic footsteps coming from outside the door.

"Elle! Elle are you in there?"

It was Liz, she sounded worried but I was crying too much to respond. My life was ruined, there was no way I'd be able to come forward now. No one would believe me, it felt like I was living in a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. Especially now as my eyelids grew heavy.

"Elle please let me in! It's all going to be okay."

But it wasn't. Nothing would ever be okay again.

* * *

When I opened my eyes the first thought I had was that I'd rather be asleep. It had been four days since I had left New York, since I had tried to overdose, since Kendall had exposed me. Much of it was a haze but unfortunately, dreams and flashbacks to the early days of the Jett Incident were crystal clear. I had spent the past three days drifting in and out of sleep. Part of me was grateful I didn't die but a bigger part wished I hadn't woken up. I had spent the better part of a day in the hospital under the care of a doctor. I was now being watched by Liz. I was grateful for her, she had convinced the doctor that a three-day stay was unnecessary. Especially when my personal doctor was on standby. This had saved me from the media finding out I had tried to kill myself once again and I could wallow in private. Well, as private as things could be with Liz poking her head in every three minutes.

"Are you okay?"

I sat up and groaned. "I wasn't when you asked three minutes ago and I'm not now."

"Dr. Campbell wants me to check. Just because you had your 72-hour watch at home doesn't mean I'm not worried."

"I didn't even die. It's fine."

Liz sat at the edge of my bed, she looked exhausted. "The paramedics found you unconscious and in your own vomit."

"Don't remind me," I muttered. "I fucked that up too."

Apparently, my text to Kendall had caused Liz to frantically call the police department in Los Angeles. The doctor that treated me in the ER said I had made it just in time. I heard all of this secondhand from Liz. I had been unconscious for several hours, even after Liz had flown back west. When I woke up she had been by my side. Even with all the self-pity I felt from the Kendall Incident, I still felt guilty. Liz had been in tears when I finally came to, she never cried. After that, she had insisted I be taken care of at home so the scandal wasn't even worse. Today marked the first day my doctor wasn't here.

"I'm so glad you're okay."

"That makes you the only one."

"You know that's not true." She rubbed my arm, avoiding my stitches. "The fans are worried about you, the guys are and so is the label. We're all so glad you're safe."

Per the doctor's instructions, I wasn't allowed to look at social media. But I managed to find my phone in Liz's bag when she stepped out to talk to the hospital staff. Logan, Carlos, and James had texted respectively. Even in my drugged out haze, I remembered a few texts.

 _Please, please, please don't hurt yourself. I care so much about you._

 _Fuck Elle, don't do anything stupid. Everything's going to be okay. We love you so much._

 _I know you're sad and scared but just breathe. Don't do this, you're loved._

Kendall had texted several times after I told him I was doing everyone a favor.

 _Wait, what?_

 _Holy shit, please don't hurt yourself baby._

 _I'm coming out there, just hold on. Please?_

His next text had come awhile later. I had probably been in the hospital by then.

 _Please don't be dead. I'm so fucking sorry._

Logan had texted me too.

 _Hey Elle, we're all so worried about you. I hope you're okay and don't worry we won't let him come out there. The guys and I love you. Please take care of yourself._

This had brought tears to my eyes then and now. Having friends like them meant the world to me, part of me even missed them. Liz noticed my expression because she squeezed my hand.

"It's going to be okay."

I rolled back over onto my side. "If you say so."

When the Jett Incident had happened I thought I had hit rock bottom. I was certain that that was lowest someone could feel. I thought I knew what it felt like to be broken. But I was barely holding on. Every moment was painful. I wanted to shut down and turn off every emotion I had ever felt. I wanted to erase every moment I shared with Kendall. Part of me was still trying to put all the pieces together. Now that I had been sober for a few days I was able to gather my thoughts. And things were slowly making sense.

When we had been in Orlando Kendall had freaked out over the fact the Jett had spoken to me in the hallway. He had basically interrogated me over what was said.

 _"What did he say to you? Did he see us come out of the bathroom, did he say anything about us?"_

At the time I thought he had been worried about my safety and my career. In hindsight, I realized he had been worried about me finding out it was a bet and about Jo finding out he was cheating. The bet also explained why the two of them had talked later that night at the after party. Jett had been smug and laughing and Kendall looked pissed. I wondered if Jett had asked how the bet was going. But some things still didn't make sense, like how in New York, after the award show, he and Jett had an intense conversation. Kendall had said he defended me, that Jett was an idiot. If he hated Jett so much why did he make that bet?

"God, my head is killing me." All the thoughts made my head pound. "I take it I can't have an aspirin?"

Liz shook her head. "Not yet."

"None of this makes any sense. If it was all a bet why did he go through so much effort to make me hate him at first?"

"I think he didn't want to get close enough to know you. I'm on your side of course, but I saw the way he looked at you."

I sat up and picked at my blanket. "He had all of us fooled."

The next two days were a little bit better. It had been six days since I left the tour and the overwhelming despair and numbness I had felt eased a bit. I had been chain smoking which helped a little. And I had managed to convince Liz that I was stable enough to have my phone and that I could be alone. This didn't stop her from hanging out in my living room at night. But from the comfort of my bed, I finally got to see what was being said about me. The negative tweets had been replaced with mostly positive ones.

 _I hope Elle's okay. I'm worried about her._

 _Dear Elle, stay strong, we love you and you'll get through this!_

 _The Elleanators and Rushers are by your side!_

There were several thousand tweets just like these. My name was still trending but this time it was #StayStrongElle. The pictures Kendall had shared had been mostly removed from Twitter. And the media had taken a more sympathetic approach, I watched the videos on my phone so Liz wouldn't hear.

"Elle Harper is still holed up in her LA apartment following the shocking news that she and Kendall Knight were sleeping together. Elle's team has released a statement that the pop star is doing better and asked that her privacy is respected at this time. The star was briefly hospitalized for unknown reasons but was released the same day. She hasn't been seen since leaving New York City where she was opening up for Big Time Rush." The host reported. "Meanwhile Knight's team has said Kendall regrets his actions and that both his and BTR's thoughts are with their tourmate. Kendall's been facing a lot of backlash for sharing Elle's private photos and for shoving her."

That's something else that had changed in the six days I had been away from the news. The video of Kendall pushing me had gone viral and there was plenty of outrage. Kendall had posted a few times.

 _I'm so sorry._

 _I can't breathe without you. I can't sleep without you._

 _Violence is never the answer, I'll never put my hands on a woman again._

 _Don't be rude to her, be rude to me. I'm the one who messed up, I treated someone so talented and amazing as a joke. She'll never understand how sorry I am or the love I have for her._

He included the phone number for a suicide prevention line which stirred up some rumors that I had tried to kill myself. Over text, he was much more outspoken. He kept saying he was sorry and that he missed me. Every hour or so he'd send long texts saying he wished he could take everything back. But of course, he couldn't. All of the texts and calls made me sick to my stomach. Both literally and figuratively.

"Shit, not again."

I managed to make it to the toilet just in time to empty my stomach. This had happened a few times since I had been home, I wondered how much damage I had done to myself to still be getting sick. Part of me wanted to curl up on this floor and die. I had no tears left to cry but I was still devastated. Of course, there were no pills or other 'dangerous' objects in my apartment. But maybe I'd dehydrate if I kept getting sick. I was leaning against the cool tub when Liz's voice made me jump.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't have hidden alcohol if that's what you're asking."

She shook her head. "No, you've just been sick a lot."

I climbed to my feet and rolled my eyes. "That's what happens when you try to poison yourself."

"You need to eat and we need to figure out what our plan is."

I waved off the idea of food. "I'm not hungry."

Liz frowned at this and was apprehensive. "You guys were safe right?"

Her comment confused me and for a minute I stared blankly. Then I realized what she was saying.

"Of course we were safe." I scoffed and folded my arms. "I mean I'm on the pill."

"What about condoms? I found your birth control left out all tour. You may have missed a few."

For the first time in days, I laughed. "You're not suggesting that I was dumb enough to get pregnant are you?"

"I'm not suggesting anything that isn't possible." She was cautious. "I just know that you've been sick a lot and even before you came back home."

We were both quiet because I knew she was right. I chewed on my thumbnail and thought about how we hadn't used one a couple of times. We hadn't in South Carolina, or on the counter of the bus in DC or in Philly after I debuted Body Say. The thought made me sway and I held onto the sink.

"Fuck. I mean, I missed a few doses." I was growing anxious now. "B-But everyone misses a few. I get sick when I'm s-stressed you know that. I've been stressed with the album and everything."

Liz was clearheaded and put her hands on my shoulders. "You need to breathe. I'll pick up a test and you look for your pills. Maybe you didn't miss as many as you thought you did. Can I leave you alone?"

"Yes, just g-go." I ran a hand through my hair. "It can't be like last time, it absolutely _cannot_ be like last time."

"It won't, we'll make sure it's not like last time. There won't be a story, it won't be as traumatic."

Once Liz was gone I let myself fully panic. The fact that we hadn't been completely safe had been the furthest thing from my mind. So many other things had been going on that it didn't occur to me once. But Liz had made a fair point, I had been sick a lot. And even though the doctor had said I could be ill for a few days due to the detox medication, I had been sick before my overdose. When I found my pills my suspicions had been reconfirmed. I had missed a total of five doses here and there, it was just enough that I could have been at risk.

It would be just my luck to be fucked as a bet, have my nudes leaked and get pregnant. It felt like an eternity had passed when Liz finally came back into the bathroom. She pulled the two boxes from her purse. My hands were cold and shaky as I took them from her. The past few days had been an awful sequel to the Jett Incident and this was no exception. From the betrayal, the leaked pictures and video, the suicide attempt and now this.

"I'll be outside." She rubbed my shoulder. "No matter what, it's going to be okay."

I locked the door behind me and after taking both tests my mind wandered back to the last time this had happened.

* * *

 _15 Months Ago_

"Elle! We're heading out in a half hour please be ready!" I was too scared to say anything at first but the doorknob rattled. "Did you hear me?"

I turned to look over my shoulder. "Y-Yeah, I'm coming."

It had been a month and a half since what Liz and I were calling the Jett Incident had happened. I was having trouble sleeping, my tour had been canceled and it seemed like the whole world was against me. Jett had come out relatively unscathed by everything. But here I was, still dealing with the repercussions. I was going to a meeting with the label to figure out how to proceed with everything. But right now, it felt like time had stopped.

"N-No." I whimpered. "Oh god, no."

My hands were cold and my heart was in my throat as I stared down at the test. My worst fears had been confirmed. Not only did Jett Stetson manage to assault me, he had also gotten me pregnant. I had been feeling horribly sick for a few weeks and my breasts were sore. I thought it was from the drugs and my period coming but it had never arrived. Just the thought of the word was enough to make my stomach turn. But then I realized part of it probably had to do with the fact that I was pregnant. I pressed my hand to my stomach and for a moment I had an image in my head.

I saw myself holding a baby boy. His skin was a lighter shade of brown than mine and he looked just like Jett. And then all I could feel was Jett's body on top of mine, how rough his hands had been. I breathed in deeply through my mouth as I held onto my stomach. It was probably just my imagination but I felt bloated. Tears streaked down my face.

"This c-can't be happening."

But things were over before they really began. Just two weeks later I was doubled over as cramps cut through me. Blood stained my legs. I found myself back in the emergency room, but instead of trying to kill myself it felt like my organs were going to fall out of my body. I groaned and lifted my head off the pillow to see what was happening. The sight of blood made me dizzy so I stared at the ceiling. It wasn't until I had been thoroughly poked and prodded that I was finally given an answer. I already knew what had happened.

"I'm sorry but you've lost the pregnancy. These things are common and it's not your fault. It was a combination of stress, dehydration, and other factors. I know it may be a shock-"

"It's n-not. And I know that sounds terrible but it was eating me alive." My voice was a low whisper. "It fucking hurts."

The doctor was taken aback but promised to get me something for the pain. As I laid there I cried for a moment. I hadn't planned on having it in the first place, the last two weeks had been hell. Between the morning sickness and seeing that my body had just begun to soften, I had been a wreck. My only thought had been that Jett was still inside of me. It was like the rape had just happened every time I got sick or my stomach ached. But it was still a troubling experience.

"He broke me, he b-broke me." I cried to myself. "Everything he touches is ruined."

It was true. Everything Jett had touched was tainted. He touched me and my career was in shambles as more and more fans and parents boycotted me. He touched me and I got pregnant. He had managed to put his baby inside me and now my body was broken and bleeding. I was alone and there was no one I could call. My friends were gone because I was a 'liability'. Liz was out fending off the press that had caught wind of my hospital visit and I had no boyfriend for obvious reasons. I was isolated behind a blue curtain as I continued to feel my body cramp.

 **A Baby For Elle?**

 **Exposed, Alone and Pregnant?**

 **Elle Holds onto Baby Bump as She Leaves Hospital!**

Those were just some of the headlines that had come out in the days since I miscarried. Despite Liz's best effort, the paparazzi had seen me being wheeled out of the hospital clutching my bloated stomach. I couldn't say I blamed them, my face and belly were puffy from the fluids they had given me and the way I held my stomach did me no favors. All the articles said the same thing.

"Just weeks after her wild night with Jett in the bathroom of a nightclub, it looks like Elle may be expecting. The scandalized singer was seen leaving the hospital with a hand on her belly which looked rounder than normal. It's safe to assume Jett Stetson is the father. But reports say the two have split since their sex tape leaked. All of this makes us wonder will Jelle get back together to raise their baby? We're just glad Elle wasn't hospitalized for a second suicide attempt."

The magazines weren't the only ones to wonder what the current state of my body was. It was less than three days since I had been home from the hospital when there was a pounding at my door. I winced as I opened it. Jett charged in, looking panicked and strung out. He had a rolled up magazine in his hand.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I demanded. "I told you I never wanted to see you again."

"DidIgetyoupregnant?"

His words were rushed together and I was confused and sleepy from the pain medication. "Huh?"

He shoved the magazine into my face. "Did I get you pregnant? Everyone's saying you are."

"I don't know did you use a condom when you raped me?"

Jett scrunched his face and rubbed his forehead. "Shit, Elle. I was so fucked up I don't remember."

"So was I because you drugged me and then took advantage of me."

This got under his skin because he rolled his eyes and gripped my arm. "Jesus, did I get you pregnant or not?"

"Y-Yeah." I murmured as my hand went to my stomach. "You did but-."

Jett cut me off and pulled me closer. "You're fucking with me."

I winced at the pain that came from being jostled. "Ow, shit."

This seemed to be enough for Jett because he yanked my shirt up and shook his head. I was still a tad bloated from the fluids and medication so it must have been a surprise. Not that I was worried about him, he shouldn't have raped me.

"Fuck, you are, aren't you?" He clutched my shirt and shook his head. "Y-You, you've gotta get rid of it. I can't be a dad."

"Don't touch me." I pushed him away and wrapped my arms around myself. "You don't get to touch me."

He paused for a brief moment, I could see him debating with himself. His hand shot out to squeeze my face, his nails were breaking the skin. He bashed my head against the wall. I cried out in pain and squirmed as he pinned me down.

"Get rid of it. I'm not joking."

Panic coursed through my veins and I was overcome with tears. "G-Get off of me!"

"It's not my fault you got knocked up." His tone was threatening. He jabbed his finger into my belly."And this sure as hell isn't my problem."

"Yes it i-is. You drugged me and forced yourself on me."

Jett was fuming, his blue eyes were bright with anger. "You're a liar."

"I-I lost it. That's why I was at the hospital. I lost it from the stress of you raping me and sharing the video of it with the world." I hissed at him as I pried his hand from my face. "So congratulations, there's no proof left."

This took him by surprise because he was still for a moment. "Good. But I didn't rape you, you were too drunk. Get over it."

Tears streaked down my face. I hadn't seen him seen I broke up with him so my emotions had been bottled up. "Yes, you did. I tried to kill myself because of what you did. I drank so much and was so stressed that my body actually broke. I wasn't keeping it I would never want any part of you inside of me. I can't just get over it because it's on my mind all day."

He simply shrugged, his anger was lessened. "Well, we'd be shit parents anyways. I'm glad I'm not stuck with you."

"Fuck you. I never want to see you again."

"Fine by me." He wrenched the door open and looked over his shoulder. "Too bad you didn't just die. We'd all be better off."

* * *

Even a year and a half later Jett's cruelty was enough to make me shiver. The next time I saw him was backstage at the very first show of the tour. He had said he was glad I didn't ruin my body. It was like he forgot about the fact that I lost it and that he had threatened me. There was still a minute or two left on both test and I struggled to my feet. I tugged my shirt up and pressed my hand to my middle. It wasn't bloated but I felt sick. My belly had just started to stick out when I had miscarried. As I stared at my reflection I knew I wouldn't keep it if I was pregnant. Not only did a baby need two parents that would care for it but I refused to let anyone be able to change my body. The few weeks I had known about my pregnancy had been torture last time. My body had no longer been my own. And of course, I wanted nothing to do with Kendall. Not him or his offspring. But an intrusive thought popped into my head.

For a brief moment, all I could picture was me at nine months pregnant. Kendall rested his hands on my swollen tummy and had a smile on his face. Above us, there was a sign. But instead of "It's a girl" or "It's a boy" it read "It's a bet".

"God no." I shuddered. "He would probably treat this as a bet too."

I ran my hand over my face and peeked through my fingers at the two tests. I instantly let out a loud sob when I saw them. My head spun and I held onto the sink when my knees gave out.

"Oh god." I breathed. "Oh my god."

They were both negative. It was clear as day. I wasn't pregnant. I wasn't harboring a parasite. Things were still terrible but I would take this small victory. I wouldn't be linked to Kendall anymore than I already had been. I opened the door and found Liz pacing. She looked as stressed as I felt.

"We're good." I announced. "The universe owed me that much."

The tension visibly lifted from my manager's shoulders. "Oh thank god."

"There was a bug going around on tour, Logan had been sick too. And I guess the rest of it was from trying to poison myself."

"That's not funny." She chided. "But I'm glad you don't have to deal with that situation again."

I climbed onto one of the barstools in my kitchen. "All of this is basically a repeat of the Jett Incident."

"But you got through that and you'll get through this even if I have to drag you myself. What can I do, what do you need?"

I gave Liz a half-hearted shrug. The only thing I could think of was a time machine so I could stop myself from ever falling for Kendall. If only I hadn't let him into my hotel that night in Texas. If only I hadn't played the game with him. And I never should have trusted that stupid smile. This was impossible though so I just sighed and shook my head.

"I know we need to make a game plan. I know I've missed a week of tour but two of the days were days off." My fingers anxiously drummed against the countertop. "I-I just don't know if I can face him yet or the world. I'm still so fucking embarrassed."

The media and the fans had all seemed to be on my side for once. But that didn't negate the fact that I had been exposed like that. It had taken me a long time to trust Kendall enough to take those pictures let alone sleep with him. Kendall had erased all the progress in mere moments. It was traumatic and I wasn't sure that I wanted anyone to see me. Being hidden away in my apartment had been comforting. Here, no paparazzi could shout questions at me, no haters could slut shame me or blame me for breaking up Jo and Kendall. And best of all, Kendall was on the other side of the country. I felt safe here, I had even managed to write a few lyrics. Liz had taken all the alcohol so my head had been clear for days.

"Well." Liz began tentatively, "I know you didn't do it for this reason but those pictures you shared helped to soften things."

This was true, those photos I had shared of Kendall and I had gone just as viral. And for a lot of fans, it confirmed what they had thought all summer. Even now as I looked through my mentions people were still talking about the pictures.

 _That doesn't seem like a joke to me._

 _I was right! #Kendelle was real, look at how cute they are. Too bad Kendall fucked it up._

 _I'm confused. Kendall really looked like he was falling in love with Elle and these pictures make it seem like they were a couple. How could he play her like that?_

"I just wanted everyone to see there had been more to it than what Kendall posted. Not that it matters now."

She let out a breath and squeezed my hand. "What do you want me to do?"

The question of what my next move would be had been on my mind for a few days. Apparently, Gustavo would still have me on tour if I wanted to come back. I hadn't spoken to the guys but they had texted me saying they'd support me regardless of my choice. Kat's Crew, the original band that sang on I Know You Know had been filling in as the opening act. I felt guilty that my fans had bought tickets to see _me_ were missing out. But I wasn't sure if I could face a crowd right now. But that being said, they supported me this time around. I groaned and rubbed my fists into my eyes.

"Uh, just tell Gustavo I need a few more days. It's not that I don't want to finish the tour but I'd have to see Kendall."

"You don't have to worry about that. If you want to go back to the tour I will make sure you never have to see him. We'll cut the duet, the songs you sing with Big Time Rush and I'll personally make sure he doesn't speak to you."

My smile was small but thankful. "What would I do without you?"

"I don't know but good thing you don't have to worry about that." She hugged me around the shoulders. "Now, I'm going to the label to talk with Dani about how to move forward. Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine, thank you. Tell Dani I said hi."

She promised she would and the door swung shut behind her. Having Dani and Liz on my side made things feel a little better. Danielle Condor was the head of my label, Condor Records. During the Jett Incident, she had pushed back against everyone who wanted me to be kicked off the label. Having two incredible women in my corner made me feel at ease. Now that Liz was gone I was free to wallow as much as I wanted. I got up from the counter and wandered into the living room. Liz had been keeping me away from the TV so I wouldn't see the news. But now, I switched it on and turned up the volume.

"Welcome to Backstage Access Live. We are now on day six of The Elle Exposure Scandal. There is still no word from Elle Harper's team about when or if she'll be returning to the Count Me In Tour. Their message remains the same that the star is devastated and asks for privacy at this time. It was six days ago that Kendall Knight, her tourmate, and rumored beau, leaked nudes of Elle after she tweeted about his relationship with Jo Taylor. Elle tweets confirmed some fans suspicions that two were seeing each other. Especially when combined with the fact that Jo Taylor had come to visit Kendall in New York, the two had been spotted at breakfast and then Jo was seen at the airport. This all prompted Kendall to claim he only had sex with the singer as a joke and he shared her private pictures in retaliation."

Luckily the news only showed Kendall's tweet. It still made my stomach drop It made no sense that he had fucked me as a joke. It had all seemed so real, he had made me feel special and safe but it was all a lie. I sucked in a breath and blinked a few times.

"A video from their fight backstage also surfaced, it shows Kendall shoving Elle and telling her she should 'do everyone a favor' by ending her life. This has caused outrage among Rushers and Elleanators alike. Kendall has lost hundreds of thousands of followers across all social media. The band canceled all their interviews for the past week but on stage the tension was clear. Logan, James, and Carlos seemed to keep their distance from their friend who seemed to be simply going through the motions. At one point during their third show since Elle left Knight appeared to be in tears and was sporting a swollen lip. Take a look."

The news switched to a video of the guys onstage. Seeing Kendall made my heart ache and tears welled up in my eyes. I hadn't seen him since I left and it was a shock. One of his eyes was bruised and puffy and his lip was split. He had cut above his eyebrow and he seemed drawn and exhausted. He was further away from his friends and staring into space. It was awkward even from here. I wondered which one of them had punched him. He stumbled around the stage and was a whole beat behind when dancing. They were singing No Idea and for a brief moment, I was sad when I saw Kendall take a deep breath. He hastily wiped at his face and his voice was shaking.

"She has no i-idea I'm standing here."

At one point the fan who had filmed the video spoke. "Why is _he_ crying? He's the one who was rude."

"Thank you random fan," I muttered. "It's true."

The screen went back to the reporter. "Our cameras caught up with Big Time Rush as they were leaving a restaurant in Boston earlier today. Kendall seemed out of sorts and troubled from the few comments he gave."

Suddenly, there were tons of flashes and cameras on screen. The guys were crowded and their security pushed through the paparazzi. Kendall had his hood up over his face but I could see just how bruised his eye was. His good eye was bloodshot and he looked pale.

"Kendall! Why did you leak the nudes?"

"Kendall, why did you tell Elle to kill herself? Were you ever dating?"

"Piss off." He spat and the video blurred out his middle finger. "You don't know anything about what happened."

He looked furious and I recognized the anger in his eyes all too well. Hearing his voice was jarring. I hadn't listened to any of his voicemails or answered his calls. He seemed sad and a little drunk even though the video had been filmed in the morning. It was ironic when I stopped to really think about it. One of Kendall's big concerns about me joining the tour is that I'd drive the fans away and cause drama. But Kendall had been the one to do that in the end. All the bad press he had wanted to avoid, he brought on himself.

"Do you regret what you did?"

Kendall narrowed his eyes. "I want to die."

His words were like a punch in the stomach. I hadn't expected him to be so dark about it all. A minor part of me was worried but a larger part didn't care. He had been awful to me. He didn't give a shit about my feelings when he embarrassed me or told me to do everyone a favor. The news host picked up on this comment because a still from the video backstage was put next to the quote of Kendall saying he wanted to die.

"What I'm wondering is are Kendall and Elle driving each other to the brink? We saw Kendall tell her she should end her own life, we know she was hospitalized even if for a brief period, and just now Kendall said he wanted to die. He also tweeted the number to a prevention line. I just hope for everyone's sake that these two aren't star-crossed lovers who escalate things. Hopefully, there's a happy ending for all involved."

I rolled my eyes at how dramatic the host was being. I had wanted to die when the news first broke, I still kind of wished I hadn't woken up. And Kendall may have been sad but I doubted it would go that far. This wasn't a love story, it was a goddamn tragedy. There wouldn't be a happy ending. There was no way any of this could be fixed.

* * *

 _Kendall_

"What I'm wondering is are Kendall and Elle driving each other to the brink? We saw Kendall tell her she should end her own life, we know she was hospitalized and just now Kendall said he wanted to die. He also tweeted the number to a prevention line. I just hope for everyone's sake that these two aren't star-crossed lovers who escalate things. Hopefully, there's a happy ending for-"

"Yeah, right." Kendall scoffed as he closed his laptop. "There won't be a happy ending."

It had been six days, eight hours and about fifteen minutes since Elle had left the tour. And instead of going after her to apologize, he had spent his time crisscrossing the Northeast. To make things worse, the press refused to focus on something else. Each new venue he and the guys arrived at was surrounded by cameras and paparazzi. Even when he thought he could slip out unseen they still found him. That's what had happened this morning as everyone was leaving from getting breakfast. Cameras had been shoved in his face and he was shouted at. The questions had been straight to the point.

He had leaked the nudes because he had been angry at Elle. And because he was an idiot but that was beside the point.

He had told her to kill herself because, as previously noted, he was an idiot.

And if they had been dating, Kendall liked to think so. They had grown so close in such a short amount of time.

And did he regret what happened?

The guilt was enough to make him want to die. He wasn't being cheeky when he said that. He meant all four words of his answer. He exposed Elle's private pictures, something she had trusted him with. He told her to kill herself which was disgusting. And worst of all, he embarrassed her by saying he fucked her as a joke. He knew she had been nervous about having sex, he knew she hadn't ended thing with Jett on the best terms. He _knew_ this. He had even watched her have a panic attack over him the day before everything went to shit. But that didn't stop him from saying he fucked her as a joke and admitting that it originally had been a bet posed to him by Jett.

So, of course, Kendall regretted what he did.

He regretted it more than anything he had ever done in life. The guilt weighed so heavily on him he thought he might collapse under the weight of it. There was a hollow ache in the dead center of his chest, it was gnawing and made him sick to his stomach. The only ways to remedy it were to get so drunk the room spun, smoke until the butt of a cigarette burnt his fingertips, or leave Elle another voicemail full of apologies. Or all three at once. But right now he was meant to be getting notes from Kelly and couldn't drink or smoke and Carlos had taken his phone so he couldn't call. All that left him was to be sad and irritable.

"Kendall."

"What?" He snapped as he turned around.

James rolled his eyes. "We have an interview."

"Just leave me here. It's not going to matter."

Logan was in the doorway too. "It's the first one since New York. _We_ have to fix _your_ mistake."

"I don't feel like it okay? I know I made a mistake I don't need a constant reminder."

"It doesn't matter how you feel about it. Get out here, now."

His friends glared at him as he pushed himself off the couch. He stormed past them and clenched and unclenched his fists. They didn't understand. Since he watched Elle disappear into that taxi he felt empty. He had been connected to her. He had been intertwined and tangled up in her all summer. And now he was untethered and drifting. He felt unbalanced without her by his side.

"Kendall, come here please."

Kelly waved him over, her tone was shorter than it usually was. Even she was judgemental about what he had done. He didn't blame her but it did nothing to help his sour mood.

"This interview is important. It's the first one since New York and we need to get things back on track. The press is still worked up over the video and your tweet. The label's decided the best way to play this is to be apologetic but not desperate. Acknowledge you made a mistake and that you regret but don't beg for forgiveness."

"I want you to be polite and don't place blame on anybody except for yourself. Got it?" Gustavo's booming voice made him jump a bit. He was also upset with him. "We need to salvage this the best we can."

As they spoke to him all Kendall could think of were the countless interviews he had done this summer. He thought of the way his stomach twisted when Elle had said her favorite color was green. The way she would smile when talking about her music made the hole in his chest twinge with pain. During every moment of an interview, all he wanted was to gush about her. He wanted to tell the world how she made everything better. But now he was sitting through one without her. She wasn't there to make a joke, or give him a sneaky grin. He sat further away from his friends, listening to them talk about unimportant shit. He barely even realized he was being spoken to.

"Clearly we need to address who's not in this room." The woman was saying. "Elle left the tour a week ago."

"Six days ago." Kendall corrected dryly. "It's been six days, not a week."

She flushed. "Okay, six days. Have you spoken with her at all?"

 _I'm doing everyone a favor._

That was the last thing she had said to him. Just thinking about it made Kendall's heart stop and his body go cold. The thought of Elle hurting herself because of what he said to her, what he did to her, made him feel sick. He spoke to her now, but she didn't speak back. He'd leave one voicemail after another and hoped she was listening.

"Uh, no. Not since she left."

"Have you guys spoken to her? Is she coming back?"

James shrugged. "I texted her a few days ago, we all did. But she's clearly taking time for herself, we don't know if she's coming back."

"Yeah." Carlos agreed. "We're all just sending her lots of positive energy and good vibes."

The interviewer nodded and shuffled her notecards. "There's been a lot of speculation about what exactly happened. Can you shed some light on this?"

If Kelly hadn't been standing just behind the camera Kendall would have laughed at how stupid the question was. "She tweeted something I didn't agree with and it caused some drama. I got angry and did something stupid. And before you ask I feel bad about it."

"It seems like there was a lot of anger even after she left." She pointed to his face. "What happened there?"

Behind the camera, in the back of the room, was a mirror. Even from here Kendall could see how swollen his lower lip was, the grotesque bruises around his eye and cheek and the cut on his eyebrow. He could still feel his friends' fists pounding against his face.

"What does it look like?" He sneered, crossing his arms. "I obviously got punched in the face."

She recoiled a bit. "Do you regret what happened?"

"No, I thought I'd do it again. It worked out so well the last time." Kendall couldn't bring himself to be polite. His hands shook and he needed a cigarette almost as much as he needed to hear Elle's voice. "No shit, I regret it."

"Dude, chill out." Logan elbowed him in the ribs. "Don't be rude."

"She shared a few photos of the two of you. It looked like you were pretty close to her. Did you really mean that it was all a joke? And if so, why would you string her along like that? Fans have been calling you 'a monster' 'a pig' and 'disgusting'. Several people and organizations have been critical of you sharing her pictures and shoving her. Your tweets from the past few days seem like you have feelings for her. My question for you is, did you ever care for her?"

Kendall stared at the woman for a moment. He had seen what people were saying, he knew that people were pissed at him. There was so much he wanted to say to Elle but was unable to. And of course he cared for her. She was all he cared about, so to be asked that was the final straw. He reached under his and pulled the mic off. He pushed out of his chair so hard it almost tipped over.

"I don't want to talk about that." Kendall's words were tense and full of frustration. "I'm done."

"Kendall!" Kelly protested, trying to stop him as he stomped out of the room. "Stop!"

He wheeled around and was seething. "No! I'm not answering any more stupid questions. Just leave me alone."

With that, he slammed his dressing room door shut. A few tears escaped down his face he was breathing heavily as he helped himself to both liquor and cigarettes. He had one in each hand and stared at the ceiling, willing his mind to focus on anything else. But all he could think of was Elle. The fact that he had been asked if he regretted what he did to her was insulting. From the moment he told her they had just been hooking up and that he was getting back together with Jo he regretted it. When he had stormed off after shoving her to the ground he regretted it. He regretted every single moment of that day.

"Kendall! What the fuck was that?" James demanded as they opened the door. "Did you really just storm out?"

He shrugged as he took another long drink. He hadn't been eating so he had a nice buzz going already. "She was a bitch, I-I wasn't going to sit there and have her ask obvious shit."

James pinched the bridge of his nose and gave a short breath. "Listen, dude, we're trying to help you out after all the shit you've done."

"Could have fooled me."

Carlos took the bottle of liquor from him. "Stop being such an ass. We are really trying but you're acting like a child. You don't get to be sad about any of this. You're the one who lied to your girlfriend and to Elle. You got caught in a lie and overreacted. Elle was allowed to tweet whatever she wanted she had every right to be mad at you. You told her you and Jo were done, you told us that too."

Kendall ran his hand through his hair and groaned. "Jo and I were pretty much done. I thought it was clear to her. But then she showed up and I didn't have a chance to tell her. I know Elle had a right to be pissed, I was rude to her all day. I never should have pushed her or posted those pictures."

"Or tell her to kill herself, or bet on sleeping with her with her ex, or say it was all a joke." Logan rattled off, counting on each finger. "We didn't recognize you that day, you were awful to her. You were a monster."

"Just kick me out of the band if I'm so fucking terrible then!" Kendall shouted as he leaped to his feet. "If you all hate me, kick me out. I don't want to tour with assholes who think they're so much better than me."

Logan shoved him. "We are better than you. James didn't make a bet with her ex that he could fuck her, Carlos didn't post her nudes, and I didn't tell her to kill herself after putting my hands on her that was all you."

Hearing the list of his mistakes made him cringe but he pushed Logan back. "Just kick me out then, prove to me that you have the balls to do it."

"We thought about it," Carlos said through clenched teeth. "We voted on it."

Kendall puffed on his cigarette and rolled his eyes. "Liar."

"No that's you." James was shaking with anger. "We decided not to because then you'd be free to leave the tour and you'd go back to LA and harass Elle and she doesn't need that."

Hearing her name made Kendall suck in a sharp breath. "Fuck. I messed up."

"No shit."

Kendall staggered backward and held onto the arm of the couch. "You don't understand."

"What don't we understand?"

He looked up at his friends, blinking through hot tears. "I want to d-die without her."

The three men looked at each other, sharing a worried but annoyed look. Kendall had been saying it for days and no one seemed to believe him.

"You don't mean that," Logan said quickly.

Kendall felt his chest tighten. "Oh yeah? I don't mean that I'd rather be dead because I hurt her? That the only way I can get rid of this feeling in the pit of my stomach is to blow my brains out? Because I fucking mean it, I want to d-die. I hate myself for doing that to her."

James bit his lip. "You did this to yourself dude. It's hard to be sympathetic."

His friends' cold demeanors made him roll his eyes. He snatched the bottle of alcohol back and lit a new cigarette. He ignored the judgemental looks on their faces, they had been judging him for the past six days anyway.

"I love her. I should have gone after her."

* * *

 _Six Days Ago_

"No! Get the fuck off of me!" Kendall's voice was hoarse as he struggled. "I have to go! Guys, what the fuck?"

James and Carlos were holding on to either side of Kendall as he tried to break free. Elle had just walked out of the venue, she had quit the tour and was going home. Kendall was having none of this, she couldn't go, not before they fixed things. He had told her that he loved her and it had meant nothing to her.

"You don't get to make this worse for her, you don't get to follow her."

"No! This is _not_ a breach of contract." Liz was shouting at Gustavo. "If you didn't notice he leaked her pictures and put his hands on her! She has every right to leave!"

This distracted his friends long enough for him to make a break for the door. He had stepped outside in time to watch Elle get into a cab. But as quickly as he had made it outside he felt himself being pulled back again.

"Get off of me!" Kendall thrashed side to side and shook them off.

Kendall's heart was in his throat as he tried to open the door. When it was locked he knocked furiously. Elle's dark brown eyes were full of tears and so were Kendall's as he stared at her.

"Len I'm sorry!"

They held each other's gaze as Carlos and Logan pulled him away. The taxi pulled out onto the street and his tears mingled with the rain that fell. He watched as she peered through the back window as she was whisked away. Heartbreak was written all over her face. That was enough to make him turn around and race back inside. He was fully crying now, it was ugly and rough. He pulled at his hair as he cried, trying not to be completely overwhelmed with panic. He was in his dressing room now, shoving things into his backpack. He had to go, he had to stop her from leaving.

"What are you doing?" Logan demanded.

"I h-have to go." Kendall huffed while he crammed his phone and passport into his bag. "I have to stop her."

Carlos shook his head. "No, you're not. She said no to come after her. Clearly, she doesn't want to see you."

Kendall's hand shook as he zipped his bag shut. "I-I have to fix it. I f-fucked up."

"You leaked her pictures, bet on her, and fucking pushed her." James listed off. "There's no fixing this dude."

The panic and shame Kendall felt were overwhelming. "I-I didn't mean to. She posted that tweet and I-I was pissed. She shouldn't have-"

"Oh no! You don't get to blame this on her." Logan's face was a bright shade of red. "There is zero justifying what you just did."

"Fuck, I know. I just-"

"You hurt her and bet on her after we all told you it was stupid." Carlos shoved him a bit.

"And you lied to her about Jo. Of course, she was pissed at you. You told her you weren't with Jo."

Kendall avoided their eye. "I k-know. Jo thought it was a break and I thought we were done. You guys don't get to fucking judge me. You thought she was hot too."

"But _we_ didn't treat her like shit all summer because we thought she was hot. That was you!" James' voice was raised. "You're unbelievable."

With his bag over his shoulder, Kendall made his way to the door where is friend's blocked his path. "Get out of my way!"

"No. You're not going to fuck her life up more than you have."

"Los, get the fuck out of my way."

Carlos' fist was heavy when it landed a blow across Kendall's jaw. "You're not leaving!"

Kendall's fingers were slick with blood when he touched his lip. That was all it took for him to shove Carlos through the doorway. It was like a switch had been flipped as he swung at his friend. But James and Logan quickly jumped in. James landed a punch to his nose causing him to bleed even more.

"You're a vindictive asshole." Logan hissed as his fist connected his Kendall's stomach. "You were awful to her."

"I was pissed about J-Jo and everything being put out there. And she kept shouting-"

" _You_ put everything out there. You told her to kill herself."

Tears and blood dripped down Kendall's face. "I d-didn't mean any of it. I love her."

"Shut up."

He was taken aback by his friends' anger. He knew he fucked up but they were still his friends, they knew how he felt about her.

"I-I do love her! You guys are supposed to be my friends!"

Carlos' teeth were gritted. "The Kendall we know would never do something so disgusting."

Kendall tugged at his hair and let out a shaky breath. "I know, god, I know. But at least it wasn't a video."

"That fucking video isn't an excuse to treat someone the way you did, asshole." James seethed as he pushed him. "And that doesn't take away from what you did."

"Yeah if anything it adds to it. You knew how vulnerable she was, you saw that she was trying to put it behind her. But no, you were revolting and shared those pictures." Logan spat at him, his eyes were full of disdain for his friend. "You said that you liked her and then as soon as you got caught in your lie you turned on her."

He wiped at his bloody mouth and threw a punch at Logan but missed. "What the hell, you should be on my side."

"We were on her side from the start. Dude, you're my best friend but the way you've acted isn't the guy I know." Carlos was quietly fuming. "You were shitty to her from day one. You never saw her face when you'd call her a slut. She tried to hide it but she looked so sad."

"Did s-she?" A sinking feeling tugged his heart into his stomach. "Shit, I-"

"Yeah." James cut him off. "She'd ask us why you hated her."

A fresh batch of tears cropped up in his eyes. "I don't hate her."

"You could have fooled us."

Kendall shook his head frantically as more tears fell down his face. "I'm crazy about her. I love her. You know that I told her."

"Just stop, you're making yourself look dumb."

"I do!" His voice was shrill and panicked. "I love her so much, s-she's amazing. I never felt this way about Jo. I'd m-marry her, I would. She drives me crazy and I fell in love with her."

James scoffed and shoved his phone at Kendall. "Marry her? She'd never say yes, why would she?"

Kendall took the phone and hit play. He felt like he might be sick when he realized what it was. Someone had filmed the backstage fight they had before he had tweeted. His face was red and contorted with anger.

"Move!" He heard himself shout as he clenched his jaw.

"No! I'm not done talking about this!" Elle was all fire and fury as she shouted. Maybe it was because he knew he fucked up, but she had never been so beautiful. She was bold and not afraid to stand up for herself. It was something he had grown to love. "I won't be treated like shit, especially when you're wrong. You're a coward."

That was when everything changed. She had been screaming and Kendall watched as his onscreen-self was consumed with rage. Kendall flinched when he watched himself shove Elle into the wall. She cringed and cried out in pain. He stood over, he didn't look like himself.

And he didn't sound like himself.

"You're nothing. Just do everyone a favor and kill yourself."

His words were harsh as he spoke to her. It put a lead weight in his stomach. Elle blinked through glassy tears and was shaking just as the video ended. Kendall rubbed his hand over his face and returned James' phone.

"I-I screwed up."

"No shit."

Kendall's friends gave him one last look of disgust before walking over to Gustavo who looked stressed. Kendall knew going after her would only make it worse so he locked himself in his dressing room. He dialed her number and it rang, the fact that his calls weren't blocked was probably a good sign. When he heard the sound of the line being picked up his stomach swooped.

"Elle?"

"You've reached Elle, leave a message."

It wasn't her and his heart fell. "Shit baby, please don't leave I'm so sorry. Call me back."

He hung up the phone and redialed. He called and he called and he called. Hoping, praying, she'd pick up. All he wanted was to tell her how sorry he was. How much he regretted everything he had done and that he'd do anything to fix it. Kendall was so frantic as he called that when it went to voicemail right away he jumped. She must have blocked his calls.

"No, no, no."

He texted her instead now.

 _Len, I'm so sorry please don't go._

 _I'm sorry, baby. I love you I promise._

Kendall texted her at least ten times and then his phone buzzed. His excitement quickly disappeared when he realized it wasn't Elle, dread-filled its place.

"H-Hello?" He asked timidly.

"Kendall Donald Knight!"

He pinched the bridge of his nose, the blood had dried on his face. "Mom, hey."

"Don't you dare say hey. What have you done? Why did Katie just show me a video of you with your hands on a woman and that you shared her pictures?"

He groaned. "Mom, you don't g-get it."

"What don't I get? Because there better be more to this story. Tell me that you didn't cheat on Jo and sleep with some poor girl as a joke."

Kendall knew he was screwed. That was pretty much what had happened so he let out a shuddery breath. "M-Mom, I fucked up. I know what I did was wrong."

"Wrong?" His mother sounded furious. "It was more than wrong. I raised you better than this, I'm disappointed in you."

Hearing this stung, but it wasn't uncalled for. "I-I'm sorry. She made me mad and I got caught in a lie with her and Jo. So I just got mad and I freaked out."

"You told that girl to kill herself. I don't care how upset you are, you _never_ say that to a person and certainly don't share their private pictures and shove them."

He hiccuped a bit. "Mom, I love her. Elle, I mean. I love her so much, I'm not just saying that. I'm crazy about her and she won't answer my calls or text and I don't know what to do."

Jennifer was quiet for a long moment and Kendall almost thought she had hung up. "I take it you already tried to apologize."

"Of course, I have so many times."

"Then you need to stop harassing that girl. What you did is wrong on every level." She was stern as she spoke. "You are going to leave Elle alone and give her space. You hurt this girl, Kendall. And you know I love you but what if this happened to Katie?"

The anger he felt was instant. "I'd rip the guy's head off."

"Exactly, that's how angry I am with you right now. You need to back off and if you truly ever loved her you'd see that."

No. He needed to prove to her how sorry he was. "Mom, no-"

"Enough! You need to leave her alone and that's the end of it. You need to think about what you've done. You've hurt that girl enough."

"Mom-"

"Goodbye, Kendall."

Then there was a soft click and a dial tone. He knew his mom was right as much as he hated to admit it. So for now, he was done texting her.

That was until a few hours later when his heart nearly stopped.

The show had ended a while ago. It had been awkward and painful and Kendall had been booed at whenever he sang or spoke. And when it had come time for them to sing the songs Elle would come out for, the fans had sung her parts. Elle had been gone for a few hours and Kendall felt like the life had been sucked from him. His face ached, his heart was broken and he wanted to die. He was holed up in his dressing room, drunk and crying on and off. Elle was being ripped apart by social media and it made him feel guiltier than he already did. It wasn't her fault.

That's when a text came through, it was short and to the point but it made Kendall dizzy.

 _I did everyone a favor._

He read it a few times and horror set in. He texted her quickly as his hands began to tremble, he feared he might throw up. His stomach was in knots and flip-flopping.

 _Wait, what?_

"No, no, no. Shit." He was already out the door. "Help!"

 _Holy shit, please don't hurt yourself baby._

She didn't reply and tears burned in his eyes. She couldn't do this, she didn't deserve this.

"What are you screaming about, haven't you done enough?" Liz asked as she broke away from Gustavo and Kelly. It was then that she noticed his face. "What?"

He was choking and gasping for breath. "E-Elle's going to hurt herself."

Liz's face paled immediately. "What?"

Kendall was shaking as he showed her the text. "Oh my god, you have to do something."

Elle's manager was eerily calm as she walked away, already speaking into the phone. The guys had caught wind of Kendall's distress and came over.

"What's wrong?"

Kendall sniffed through sobs to show them the text. "E-Elle's going to kill herself and it's all my fault."

Their faces all dropped. James already looked near tears and they all pulled their phones out. Kendall staggered backward and watched in terror as the scene played out. His friends were all texting her, Kelly and Liz were making calls and Gustavo was rubbing his forehead like he had a headache. What had he done? He had ruined everything for everyone. He sent her a third text, hoping she'd see it.

"Please be okay, please be okay." He chanted softly, not knowing what else to do. "Please be okay."

 _I'm coming out there, just hold on. Please?_

* * *

Waiting to hear any news on Elle had been the worse hour of his life. Liz had left shortly after sending the police to Elle's apartment. Kendall had thrown up a total of three times while waiting. It had been hours later when they finally got the news that Elle was going to live. Kendall had wept in relief but not one of his friends had taken time to comfort him. Not that he blamed them completely.

That brought them to where they were now. It had been six whole days since everything had happened. He hadn't heard from Elle, his friends were barely speaking to him, his fans unfollowed him and he wanted to die. He knew Elle was alive, Liz had told Gustavo that a few hours later. Gustavo and Kelly had been busy on their phones all day, every day. Kendall would eavesdrop when he could. Apparently, Elle wasn't sure if she'd come back, her record label wanted to pull her from the tour. This was the opposite of what Kendall wanted. He needed to see her again, he needed to apologize and tell her that he really did love her. Everything thing he had felt for her was real.

"Los, give me my phone." Kendall held out his hand. "Now."

"No, you're going to call Elle and she needs to recover."

Kendall forcibly pulled it out of Carlos's hand. " _Please._ I'm not going to call her I swear."

"You know what? I don't give a shit." Carlos grumbled. "She won't answer anyway."

His friends cast him a long look before shutting the door behind them. Kendall locked it, relishing in the fact that he was alone now. He took a deep drink from the bottle and lit another cigarette. Things that had been getting Kendall through the days were drinking and smoking. Each time he lit a new one he thought of smoking with Elle the night they wrote her song. He had been annoyed. She had seemed stuck up and bitchy. But he had also been annoyed by the way his hands shook when she looked at him.

"Shit, I miss her." He thought to himself.

The smell of smoke reminded him of her too. He thought of how he'd reach up to pull her cigarette from her pink mouth so he could kiss her. Her lips tasted like honey and smoke. And no matter how much she smoked she always smelled like flowers, soap, and the tea she drank. The smell lingered on his sheets no matter how much he washed them. He could still feel her soft skin against his and feel how her small hands would get tangled up in his hair. She was intoxicating and it made his heart ache.

Kendall looked at his face in the mirror. It was ugly and bruised from his friends' beating. Of course, he deserved it but it still hurt. He didn't look like himself and didn't feel like it either. His throat was raw from all the crying and smoking. His skin was sallow and he hadn't eaten in days. It was no wonder that the media thought he was suicidal. Between his appearance and tweets, it wouldn't be a shock if he was found dead somewhere. It's not like he hadn't considered it. That was part of the reason he had posted the hotline to a suicide prevention line. That and because Gustavo was worried about his image. But the rest of tweets had been all him. One positive had happened though. Elle's tweet had been shared more than his had.

 _This is what he didn't show you._

All the pictures of them, real pictures from their relationship had gone viral. The circumstances were shitty of course but he was glad the truth was out there and being seen instead of just his stupid revenge tweet. He had regretted it as soon as he posted it but it was out there forever. So all he could do was try to apologize now. Kendall was good and drunk as he called her.

"You've reached Elle, leave a message."

"H-Hey Elle. It's me, I just wanted to say I'm so fucking sorry." He sniffed and rubbed his good eye. "Ah, fuck. Baby, I'm sorry. I miss you so much, I can't breathe, I can't sleep. I just want to hear your voice. I know I made a mistake, a couple of them. It was all real though, every kiss, every moment was real. It was a stupid bet I never actually planned on doing it. I was just mad and that's not your fault. I'm sorry, Len. I'll never be able to apologize enough. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you. O-Okay?" He drew in a sharp breath as he cried. "I love you, y-you're my girl and I'm sorry. Please know that I'm crazy about you. I love you, Eleanor, I miss you."

Kendall hung up and buried his head in his hands. He would spend every day trying to fix the mess he made. He would apologize until his lungs gave out. Even if it took the rest of his life to prove to Elle that he loved her it would be worth it. Because it was true, he loved her, more than anything and he'd do anything to prove it.

* * *

Liz had taken all the alcohol from my apartment. Of course, I knew why. She didn't want me to poison myself or anything. But now that I had calmed down compared to the first day it was annoying. I didn't even want to binge drink, just a nice glass of wine to clear my head would be enough. But I settled for smoking while I wrote a song instead. That was one benefit of not drinking. Lyrics were pouring out of me faster than they had in a long time. When the Jett Incident had happened I had a mental block. There had been no music inside of me after that. This time around I was putting my heartbreak and anger onto paper. It helped a little bit but I really wanted a drink.

"Wait!"

I pushed myself off the couch and went over to my bags from tour. Somewhere in here was a flask from the award show. I unzipped the bags and rooted through them. Distantly, I thought of how that night had gone. I had won my awards and Kendall had spent the night showing me how proud he was. I frowned but kept digging. When I saw it my stomach dropped and tears cropped up in my eyes. I hadn't expected to find this. When I had left I blindly had shoved things into this bag. So pulling it out was jarring.

"Oh god."

It was soft and warm and before I could stop myself I pulled it over my head. And just like that, I was transported back to the bus. My head rested on his shoulder and I could feel his lips against mine. I could smell the soap, the mint, and the cigarettes. His stubble was rough on my face and his fingers intertwined with mine. The hoodie was comforting and the green reminded me of his eyes.

"No." I shook my head, dismissing the memories. "Alcohol is much more important."

Thankfully, my flask was at the bottom of the bag. I screwed the lid off and took a sip. The drink soothed my nerves and the heat traveled down to my stomach. Now that I had a drink I went back to my song. I had just picked up the pen when I was distracted again.

I watched as Kendall called me, his face was on my screen and made my mouth go dry. I took another drink. He had stopped calling me as much and I had wondered if his friends had taken his phone from him. I got a notification saying I had a voicemail and the mailbox was full. Maybe it was because I hadn't drunk in a while and it had a strong effect on me, but I felt brave. I took one more sip of liquid courage and held the phone to my ear.

"H-Hey Elle. It's me, I just wanted to say I'm so fucking sorry."

Hearing his voice made me wince, it managed to be familiar and strange at the same time. I could hear him sniffle and he sounded frustrated.

"Ah, fuck. Baby, I'm sorry. I miss you so much, I can't breathe, I can't sleep. I just want to hear your voice. I know I made a mistake, a couple of them. It was all real though, every kiss, every moment was real. It was a stupid bet but I never actually planned on doing it."

Kendall was rambling, it seemed like he was a little drunk and his throat sounded sore. I could picture him tugging at his hair and biting his lip as he left the voicemail. On the other end, he drew in a breath as he explained himself.

"I was just mad and that's not your fault. I'm sorry, Len. I'll never be able to apologize enough. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you. O-Okay?" Tears stung my eyes as I heard Kendall start crying. He sounded so sad and broken. "I love you, y-you're my girl and I'm sorry. Please know that I'm crazy about you. I love you, Eleanor, I miss you."

You're my girl.

Those three words used to make me blush. When he'd say them to me I believed him. I hung up the phone and let out a shaky breath. I couldn't be sure it wasn't a lie. There were butterflies in my stomach and I felt lightheaded. As much as I hated to admit it I missed him. It may have been a bet and may have been awful to me but I had cared for him at one point.

"I miss you too," I whispered.

I breathed in the smell of his sweatshirt, trying to remember what we had shared. I tried to recall any kind of sign that it had been a lie. I couldn't find one, it had all felt so real. The memories of his smile and the way he made me feel morphed into something ugly. His bright green eyes were filled with anger, his face was red and his hands were rough as he pushed me. It didn't matter if it hadn't actually been a bet, he still had hurt me and that was unforgivable.

So I cried. I cried for the betrayal I had felt, for the embarrassment I suffered and for the way my heart had been broken into a million tiny pieces. And a small part of me cried over Kendall. I missed him, I yearned for what we had shared. It had been real for me, he had made me feel safe and loved after everything I had been through. Tears leaked down my face and I curled in on myself, his scent surrounded me. I missed him so much that it felt like I would never be whole. But it was too risky to trust him again. I couldn't forgive him but I could miss him.

So I hit replay instead of calling. His voice came through the speaker.

"Hey Elle, it's me."

And I would. I'd miss him, and what we had shared, forever.

* * *

AN: Wow! A lot happened in this chapter. I don't even know where to start. Elle made good on what Kendall said and tried to do everyone a "favor", thankfully she didn't succeed. This isn't the first time this has happened but hopefully she'll be okay now. Turning to some good news at least the fans see that it's Kendall's fault unlike like last time. And some more good news, Elle isn't pregnant but she has been before! I've hinted at this before, most times when she sees Jett in person her hand goes to her stomach out of habit. We also saw Kendall's POV that was really fun to write but it wasn't fun for Kendall. He deserved that beating in my opinion though. Do you think Kendall deserves to be sad about Elle leaving and do you think he really misses her?

My favorite parts of this chapter were the very end. And both Jett flashbacks because I love writing scenes with him. I liked revealing Elle's final secrets about her pregnancy and how everything went down in the days after her attack. I wanted to round out that storyline a bit. The Kendall perspective was interesting to write too. I liked showing how he saw Elle and what he thinks of her. My favorite Kendall part was probably the scene where his mom calls him and the fight with his friends. What were your favorite parts?

This was a long chapter but I hope you liked it. I don't think the next one will be this long. It will cover Elle making choices about her career and show Kendall struggling with the fall out of his actions. I will try to update sooner than I did this time around. But until then, thank you for everything and I hope you let me know what you thought!

Stay tuned!


	25. Chapter 25

AN: Happy Wednesday Rushers! Welcome back, sorry it's been so long. I've been busy with work and needed a wee mental helath break but I'm back! This chapter picks up two weeks after Ch. 24 and follows Kendall and Elle making some big choices! I hope you enjoy and review. Thank you for the feedback last time!

* * *

 _Kendall_

"Thank you, Buffalo! My name is Logan!"

He gave a large wave and took a bow as the fans cheered.

"I'm Carlos and you've been a killer crowd!"

"You guys are the best fans in the world. My name is James Diamond and we love you!"

The audience screamed even louder when James flashed them a bright smile and blew a kiss.

"I'm Kendall, thank you so-"

He couldn't even get the words out, the boos that overtook the arena nearly drowned him out. It was mostly Elle's fans but some Rushers too, he frowned. James finished the outro they always did as they sang the chorus once more. Kendall staggered behind them as they danced and he felt sick.

"You've gotta live it big time!"

There was a final burst of fireworks and lights as they waved. Kendall was the first one offstage, it's not like the fans wanted to see him. Every solo he sang or word he spoke had been drowned out by boos ever since he leaked the photos of Elle. It had been almost a week and a half. Each night was worse than the last. Not that Kendall noticed _too_ much, he was half drunk, half high or both most of the time. But Gustavo and Kelly noticed.

"Kendall! You were a whole beat behind during the second half of the show." Gustavo barked as soon as he was disconnected from his mic. "It ruins the flow of the choreography."

"And I know that's not water in that bottle."

He shook his head at Kelly. "Yes, it is."

"Dude we could smell your breath from across the stage." James countered as he swiped the bottle. "It's vodka."

Kendall went to snatch it back but James held it out of reach. "What do you guys care?"

"Let's see, the fans came to see Elle Harper and Big Time Rush. You've already managed to fuck up the first part and now you're drunk on stage!" Gustavo was shouting now. "This is terrible for your image and the band's."

He scoffed and shrugged. "Kick me out then. The fans already hate me."

"Then you'd be free to cause havoc in LA where she is and that would look even worse."

"Gustavo-"

He held his hand up. "Out of my face, I expect you to be sober tomorrow morning. No more drinking."

"Whatever."

He grabbed the bottle from James' hand and stomped off. After a quick shower and a change of clothes, he was settled in his bunk. He had smoked so many cigarettes that his lungs ached. He had stopped drinking and his head was still spinning. He could barely focus long enough to text but he wasn't as aware of the hollow feeling in his stomach.

 _Still sorry and I still miss you..._

Gustavo may have told him to stop drinking but he said nothing about being high. The few hits he had taken made his head feel fuzzy but he wasn't as sad. His grief had transitioned into anger. So he was grateful to be headed back to the car after a meet and greet. The tour had taken them to Pittsburgh and the weather was dreary just like his mood. It was still the morning but he was already drained and annoyed.

"That one girl gave me a letter to give to Elle." Logan held up the thick envelope. "I think she wrote her a book."

The sound of her name made Kendall's stomach swoop. He missed more than anything but knew he couldn't afford to get upset over her with any alcohol or weed nearby. So he leaned up to turn on the radio. He needed something, anything, to distract him. But this only made it worse.

"My reputation's never been worse, he must like me for me."

It was the song Elle had written about him after they had sex for the first time. She had worked so hard to fix her image but he ruined it in three seconds flat. He groaned and turned the station.

"Big Time Rush is here in Pittsburgh today. Still, no word if Elle Harper will be rejoining the tour not that we blame her though. Especially after Kendall-"

"Jesus Christ." He grumbled and switched the station again.

"Anything can happen on a night like-"

"Everything is blue-"

"Fuck!" He hit the control panel with his fist and turned off the radio. "Goddamnit. She's fucking everywhere except where she needs to be."

Every song was one of Elle's or the radio hosts were talking about her. He couldn't avoid her or the mistake he had made.

"You mean she's not where you want her to be?" Carlos's tone was short. "Of course she's everywhere. They're supporting her."

Kendall pulled his hood over his head and rubbed his fists into his eyes. "Why did I even make that stupid bet?"

"Because you're a moron."

He slumped in his seat. "Tell me something I don't know."

* * *

 _4 Months Ago_

"Can you believe we're touring with Elle Harper?"

"She is the _hottest_ girl I've ever seen."

Kendall scoffed as he watched his friends lose their shit about the news they got yesterday. Apparently, Elle Harper wanted to make a comeback and Gustavo thought it was a good idea for her to open for them this summer. His friends had been talking about it nonstop and his head was starting to ache.

"Can you talk about anything else?"

James shook his head from where they were watching a music video she had done. She was almost naked and grinding her hips to the music. She gave the camera a flirty smile and tossed her dark hair over her shoulder.

"She's just wow, she's hot. I mean do you see how big her-" James trailed off and groped the air in front of his chest. "And she's a really good songwriter."

"Ah yes, tits and songwriting. What more do we need for an opening act?"

Logan shoved him a little. "You're just jealous that the three of us can ask her out. And she's really nice, you can't say she isn't. Whenever we see her at award shows she's always sweet."

"Not to Jo. She and Jett always acted like they were cooler than us whenever I visited Jo at work."

"Okay, but they _are_ cooler than you no offense. I mean they made a sex tape, win all their awards and were a power couple." Carlos chimed in after tearing his eyes from the video. "I mean you and Jo have picnics in the park and they go to Fashion Week."

"The tape is the problem. You saw how her career tanked, do we want that attention on the tour?"

This didn't seem to bother his friends, especially James. "We all send nudes, it's not that big of a deal. And we want a more adult image this time around. I'm getting tired of not being to write what I want. I'm 22, I have sex, I should be able to write about it."

Kendall stood from the couch. "I don't know guys, she seems like trouble. And she's kind of a bitch to Jo."

"Yeah, yeah. When you come to our wedding I'll make sure to have Carlos or James give the best man speech."

His friends were now watching another music video of Elle's. They were engrossed in it so Kendall left the room, fishing his phone from his pocket when it buzzed.

 _Looks like you guys won't have to fuck fans this summer. Jo told me Elle's opening for you guys._

It was from Jett, he wasn't sure why his number was in his phone. They had only just buried the hatchet so to speak. They were friendly, but not friends. But he texted back anyways.

 _The guys are stoked about it. I know Jo isn't._

 _She's not stoked about anything these days other than the movie in Italy. Too bad you won't get the chance to tap that._

Kendall snorted at this but tried not to think about how distant he and Jo had been. She was leaving to film a Newtown High movie overseas this summer and it had consumed her every thought. Jett texted him again.

 _Your friends might though. She's desperate for dick and attention. She'll fuck anyone, even if you're an ass to her._

 _Is she that desperate?_

 _Hell yeah, dude. I bet you that you could be a total dick to her all summer but she'll still let you do whatever you wanted. Get her a little drunk and she's easy af..._

This peaked Kendall's interest just a little. Every interaction he had with Elle Harper had included her rolling her eyes, calling him and Jo boring or her being mad that Jett flirted with Jo. It pissed him off when Jo would ask him if she was dull or too nice after Elle would say something catty. He and Elle were acquaintances at best but he always thought she was slutty and rude. The idea of having the summer to get back at her for that had crossed his mind when Gustavo told them yesterday.

 _I could be rude to her and still fuck her?_

 _I guarantee you. You could call her a whore and she'd still spread her legs. She's not a bad fuck either, your friends are going to be entertained. Bet you couldn't though._

 _Why not?_

 _Dunno, it just seems like you don't have game. You and Jo are like 80-year-olds. My grandpa has more skill than you do Kendork._

Irritation coursed through him. Jett always thought he was so much better than he was, he and Elle both did when they were dating. He called him Kendork which pissed him off. He hated to admit it, but he hadn't flirted in a long time and his friends were right. Jett and Elle had been cooler than he and Jo were.

 _I have plenty of skill._

 _Oh yeah? I bet you couldn't get Elle to fuck you._

 _You said I could be rude to her and she'd still do it. I so could._

There were three dots that meant Jett was typing and when his message popped up Kendall almost dropped his phone.

Are _you and Jo going to do that thing where you're half broken up while you're both away?_

During the summer there was an unspoken rule that Jo needed to focus on whatever film she was doing. They'd go weeks without talking and Kendall had always been free to 'look after himself' as she called it. She knew it was unfair to him. But this time things felt different like he and Jo were barely hanging on.

 _Yeah, why?_

 _What if we make this interesting? I bet you can't fuck Elle because you have no game._

Kendall felt his stomach twist like he was doing something bad for even considering it. He still had the skill to pick up whoever he wanted to, Elle seemed easy enough. And Jett was right, he was kind of unattached this summer. It would be hilarious, Jo would appreciate the joke.

 _I bet you I can fuck her without even being nice. I could be a complete dick to her and she'll still fuck me._

 _You're on. Get me nudes, good ones with her face and maybe then I'll say you're a little cooler._

 _That's all I get?_

 _You get to fuck one of the hottest girls and you get my respect. But I'll throw in $500. But if you don't you have to accept that you're hopeless and you owe me $500_

 _Deal._

Kendall's friends weren't amused at all by the bet.

"Dude that's gross." Logan groaned when Kendall finished explaining it to them. "Who bets on something like that?

He rolled his eyes. "You were all talking about her tits a few minutes ago."

"Yeah, and they're great. But she's a human being who I'd ask out first and get to know before I tried to sleep with her." James seemed dismayed. "And that's coming from _me_. If I can show respect so can you."

"Yeah, not cool dude." Carlos echoed. "And you think it'd be funny because she was rude to Jo and Jett's her ex? That's a reach at best."

Kendall dismissed this with a wave. "It's also to prove that I have game."

"I wouldn't do it. That's really shitty, especially if she's trying to make a comeback."

"Nothing's going to happen anyways. She knows you're with Jo."

Kendall just shrugged and gave a coy smile. "Anything can happen."

* * *

He shook off the memory and tried not to brood on the fact his friends had been right. This was never supposed to happen, it was supposed to be a joke, he wasn't supposed to fall in love with her. But here he was, alone and full of regret. Kendall just sank lower into his seat and looked out the window.

"I miss her. I made a mistake."

* * *

"So, you can see there's plenty of support and the contracts have been rewritten." Liz pushed the paperwork towards me. "But the label is fully behind pushing back the release date of the album. No one is going to make you do anything you don't want to."

I carefully read over the contract and took note of the changes. The timeline of my album would be pushed back for the winter and I'd go on tour in the spring. But then I looked at the tweets she had printed out.

 _Fuck him, come back on tour. We love you!_

 _If Elle doesn't want to come back to the tour I'll understand. But I hope she knows we support her!_

Those were just two of several thousand tweets I had received. Most of the fans were willing to support me with whatever I chose. Today marked two weeks since I had left the tour. In those fourteen days, I had stayed hidden in my apartment. I had written a few songs and had been trying to mend myself. It had also been two weeks since I had last spoken to Kendall and the guys. If I was being honest I missed them, not Kendall, but the other three. They had become close friends of mine. I sighed and pushed my chair away from the table. I walked over to the window and looked out at the skyline.

Los Angeles was blisteringly hot and in the middle of a drought. I thought of the last city I had been in, it was New York and the rain been coming down in sheets. The bright sun was almost mocking my dark mood. I pressed my forehead to the glass and groaned. My apartment was on the 22nd floor and the view to the ground was dizzying. The thoughts whizzing through my head made it even worse.

"What happens if I don't go back?"

"Public support is on your side. So we don't have to worry about fan retention, and you've already put out enough music. We could make it an EP and throw in an unreleased song and put it out to tide people over until the album drops. From there we would need to discuss refunding tickets and if we want to reschedule stops on your next tour."

I didn't hesitate. "We absolutely are giving back every fan their money and giving them all upgrades when we come back to their city. Just because Kendick fucked my life up doesn't mean they should miss out. What happens if I go back?"

"Well, uh, there are a few options. We could go back to normal, which I personally don't advise. We could maintain a distance between you and Big Time Rush. And then the lawyers and I discussed two other options."

I turned when her voice trailed off. "Which are?"

"A restraining order against Kendall." She cleared her throat. "Or, um, we could file charges."

Her answer made me choke on the air. "What?"

"Technically there's no law about revenge porn in New York, but the lawyers think they could get it brought back to California because you both live here."

"C-Charges?"

Liz was ticking off points on her fingers. "And he did shove you which could count as assault in New York. But the lawyers think it could be a good path to go down. At the minimum, it could be a fine and at the max, it would be six months."

The idea of Kendall spending time in jail was enough to make my stomach turn. I was pissed at him. I was gutted over how he treated me. But I never could justify him being arrested. Especially when Jett was still free to roam the streets.

"Absolutely not." I tugged at my hair. "Jesus, I mean that's extreme. What do the guys think?"

"The guys?"

"Carlos, Logan, and James? Do they even want me back?"

They may have been my friends this summer but they had known Kendall since they were in elementary school. I had caused their friend to look terrible in the press and put a damper on their tour. I wouldn't blame them for being mad at me.

"They seem supportive from what Gustavo has said. I could set up a conference call right now if you want. It's only 4 pm out east, they shouldn't be in a soundcheck."

I wrapped my arms around myself and nodded. "Set it up."

A few minutes later I was in my room with the phone to my ear. Liz had set up a call for me and the guys, it connected and my hands started shaking.

"Hello?"

"Elle!" They all greeted at once.

I sighed. I had missed them, we hadn't talked in two weeks and it was bittersweet.

"Hey, guys."

Logan was the first to speak. "How are you? We were so worried about you."

I looked down at the bandages on my arms. "I-I've been better."

"We're so glad you're okay. Well we know you're sad but I'm happy you're still here."

"Thanks, Los."

James cleared his throat. "Yes, 100% I'm glad you're okay."

They were so sweet and concerned but I found myself sniffling. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey, hey, hey. Why are you sorry?"

"Because. I ruined your tour and now fans aren't happy and I just fucked it all up."

"Elle, come on. You know that's bullshit." Logan was gentle. "It's his fault, you did nothing wrong. It was all him. I'm just glad you're safe, I missed you. We all did."

My teeth sank into my bottom lip. "I missed you too. Does he know we're on the phone?"

"No, he's drunk in his dressing room." James' voice was harsh. "He barely knows what city we're in."

"Okay, good. I need to talk to you. I'm trying to figure out what to do next. If I were to come back on the road, would you want me?"

There was no hesitation. "Hell yeah, we would."

"In a heartbeat."

This was reassuring and a smile pulled at my face. "For real?"

"Of course," Carlos promised, his voice was warm. "We love having you. You're our friend."

"What about him?"

"Who cares. He's not the guy we've known since we were kids right now." James explained. "If _you_ want to come back, you should. Don't let any of us influence that."

"I'm just scared about seeing him."

They were silent for a minute. "We could make sure he leaves you alone."

"Yeah! Your personal bodyguards." Carlos was passionate now. "We'll keep you safe and away from him."

This was tempting but I still felt so goddamn exposed. I wasn't sure if I wanted the world to see me. But on the other hand, I missed touring and didn't want to go into hiding as I did after Jett. I rubbed my hand over my jaw and thought about my options. In the end, it was clear.

"I think I know what I'm going to do."

* * *

My eyes burned. I wasn't sure if it was from not seeing the sun for two weeks or the cameras flashing in my face. I pushed my sunglasses up my nose and kept my head down as my security team moved me through the crowd. The questions were being shouted one after another and were mumbled together.

"Elle, how long were you with Kendall?"

"Elle, did you try to kill yourself?"

"Are you dating Kendall?"

"Elle has no comment and you need to back up," Liz demanded as we walked through the doors. "We'll release a statement soon."

I pulled my hood over my face and wrapped my arms around myself. When I looked up I saw that we were almost to the car, I breathed a sigh of relief. And then when I saw a group of girls I smiled.

"We love you!"

"Welcome back Elle!"

A small gathering of girls was standing near the SUV. They held signs saying they were proud of me and that they supported me. My heart warmed a little as I took the flowers one girl held out.

"Thank you."

"I'm so glad you're okay."

The fan hugged me and I signed a couple of autographs. All I could do was say thank you for the support before I climbed into the backseat. As we pulled away I let out a shaky breath. This was a complete 180 from the last time. Instead of supporters, there had been protestors at each stop. Liz noticed this too because she rubbed my arm.

"Are you alright?"

"That was a warm welcome, I didn't mind it."

She seemed to catch the hint that I didn't really want to talk and let it go. I looked out the window as we merged onto the highway. We were in Detroit, the next stop on the tour. We were hitting places that had been missed at the beginning of summer before heading west then back east. None of this mattered though, all I could think about was how I would be received by my tourmates. They had encouraged me to come back when I spoke to them yesterday, but _he_ had no idea. I was dreading seeing him. I just hoped it went well.

"Okay, I'm going to go get Gustavo and Kelly just to go over a few details. Are you okay?"

I made my way to the craft service table. "I'll be fine."

With that, Liz disappeared down the hall. I looked around the backstage area, it was identical to every other one and it felt like home. From where I stood I could see the stage. I pushed down the memories of the last time I had been onstage. Carlos and Liz had frantically waved me offstage as everything started to fall apart. But for now, I tried to think of the positives. I had written a few new songs that I would share soon, I was back to doing what I loved instead of hiding. I busied my hands by making a cup of tea. I shook my head and smiled slightly when I heard my name.

"Elle?"

I looked over my shoulder and saw James, Logan, and Carlos. They pulled me into a group hug and I clung to them. For the first time in two weeks, I felt safe. So I couldn't help but sniffle when we broke apart.

"It's so good to see you." James kissed the top of my head.

Logan echoed this. "I'm glad you're safe."

"I missed you!"

I sighed and shook my head. "I missed you guys too."

"You're back on tour?"

My answer was shy and I kept my eyes on the ground. "If you want me back. I know I caused a lot of drama and-

"Elle, of _course,_ we'll have you back." Carlos held up his hand to stop me. "None of this was your fault and we missed you."

The corners of my mouth twitched with a smile. "I missed you guys too."

"And listen, we're so sorry for how he treated you. We had no idea he was actually going through with the bet or that he was still with her. I'm not justifying anything but we made sure he knows he fucked up." Logan was full of contempt. "We're glad you're okay."

I appreciated that they hadn't said his name. "I know he's your best friend, but thank you for standing up for me."

"How are you feeling?"

I shifted my weight from one leg to the other. I felt like Kendall was going to pop out at any moment, I glanced over my shoulder.

"Can we talk somewhere else?"

We settled on a couch in a fairly empty back room. I sipped on my tea for a few minutes before speaking again. I wanted to collect my thoughts.

"I got your texts, you know after I left and texted him. T-Thank you for that."

The guys' faces hardened and James bit his thumbnail. "We're just so glad you're okay. He shouldn't have said that to you. It was terrifying not knowing if we'd ever see you again."

"Well if I had it my way, I wouldn't have seen any of you either." I pushed up my sleeves and sniffed a little. "This is going to be a bitch to cover up."

Carlos looked like he was ill. "Elle, no."

"It wasn't b-bad I promise. He just got into my head so I found sleeping pills from the last time and did this to my arm. Not that it mattered, I threw them all up anyways. But that's a different story."

"What happened?" James' voice wavered. "What do you mean last time?"

I bit on my lip. "When the Jett tape came out I tried to kill myself. And just like last time, there was a very brief moment when I thought Kendick got me pregnant."

They all begun to talk at once. "Holy shit."

"Please tell me he didn't."

"You can't have a kid with him."

"I'm not, false alarm I guess. It would be just my luck." I gave a dark laugh and shrugged. "It was from all the alcohol I tried to poison myself with."

James seemed overwhelmed and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm glad you're not hurt. We wouldn't know what to do if we lost you."

"Kendick would celebrate."

"That's not true. He was a wreck when you left." Carlos avoided my eye as he told me this. "He cried for a while."

I felt zero sympathy for him. "So was I and I actually liked him."

Logan nodded to my bandaged arms. "You can't do this to yourself."

All I could do was throw up my hands as a lump grew in my throat. "I'm so embarrassed."

"Don't be, he's a dick."

"James is right, he's a dick. We won't let him near you."

Now that we were talking, it all spilled out. "I-I just feel like some of this was my fault. I shouldn't have tweeted something about him. I don't want him to be mad at me. Which is so fucking stupid but it's true."

"Elle, this isn't your fault. Kendall's an idiot and he's always had a little bit of a temper."

"Has he?"

They all nodded and James started to explain. "When I auditioned for Gustavo, he told me I had no talent. Kendall lost his temper and was an asshole to him."

"And then he showed up at Kendall's house and one of the first things he said is that they both have anger management issues." Carlos backed up what James had said. "He's always been a little bit angry. If we lost a hockey game we'd know to stay away from him for a couple of hours. This wasn't your fault."

"I don't want to be shoved again," I said as I folded my arms. "I'm avoiding him at all costs."

"Of course. And he feels guilty, for what it's worth."

"So he's only slightly better than Jett. Jett never feels guilty, not about the tape, the bathroom, and when I got preg-." I stopped myself mid-ramble. The guys were caught off guard. "He and Kendick are both shitty."

"Jett? You mean he got you-?"

Fuck. They had no idea about the Jett incident. But something inside me told me I should tell them, I would probably make the favor I was going ask them more likely to happen.

"I h-have to tell you something." My voice cracked when I spoke. "I haven't told anyone other than Liz and you can't tell _him_ or anyone else."

Carlos had moved to pat my shoulder. "Elle, what happened?"

I wrung my hands together and the words were stuck in my throat. I felt my body start to shake and let out a breath. They were patient and looked on with worry. It came out so softly I was surprised they caught it.

"The Jett Incident. T-That video. H-He forced himself on me and I got pregnant."

It was like all the air had been sucked from the room. No one said anything for a moment and I immediately regretted telling them. What if they didn't believe me?

"I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry." I hastily wiped a tear that fell down my cheek. "I-"

"What?" Logan shook his head. "I'm so sorry that happened to you."

"God, Elle it's not your fault okay? It's absolutely not your fault."

No one had told me that in a long time. It was comforting to hear and I let myself cry a little, I held onto their hands. Having it a little more out in the open was liberating. And now that I had told them it all spilled out of me.

"H-He put something in my drink and he held me down in the bathroom. And I tried to go to the police but he put the video out to stop me. I-I didn't want to, so being with Kendick was a really big step for me and then he-"

"He fucking made it worse. Shit, does he know? Why would he make a bet with him?"

"I was scared to tell him, to tell anyone. That's why him sharing those pictures is such a big fucking deal. I was finally able to get close to guys again but he fucked it up. H-He made me want to die just like Jett did. I-I tried then too but this was so much worse. It hurt so much more."

James cautiously hugged me. "It's all going to be alright. You're so damn brave."

"Can you keep him away from me? I know we're on tour and he's your friend. But _please,_ I can't see him. He may not have done what Jett did but in some ways, it's worse. Please, I just can't look at him. I just want to see my fans."

"We will do whatever you want. We'll keep you safe."

"Thank you."

The four of us sat in silence for a few minutes while I got myself together. It felt like a tiny weight had been lifted off my shoulders like I wasn't carrying the burden on my own. A quick knock made us all jump and I feared it was Kendall. But they assured me that he didn't know I was back and that he was probably drunk on the bus.

"Elle? It's me, are you okay?" Liz was on the other side of the door and looked concerned when she saw my tears. "What happened?"

"I'll tell you later," I promised.

"Gustavo and Kelly want to talk about you coming back on tour."

I looked over my shoulder at the guys. "I'll be right back, s-sorry."

"Take your time."

Walking into the room Gustavo was using as an office was nerve-wracking but when Kelly hugged me, I was at ease.

"Thank god you're okay."

"Hi."

Gustavo took off his sunglasses and sighed. "Elle."

"Hey Gustavo," I said warily. "Listen, I don't want to cause any issues."

"I want to apologize for how Kendall acted. I want to apologize for how everything went down this summer. He was unprofessional and inappropriate. From his comments in interviews and in private. And especially for what happened two weeks ago. I'm sorry."

Hearing him be so humble was strange but I was grateful. "That means a lot to me."

"Now Liz told me you want to come back to the tour. And obviously we're happy to have you but what do I need to do to make this easy for you? Liz already gave me some terms but I wanted to hear it from you."

When the Jett Incident had happened, no one other than Liz took the time to ask what I wanted. I exhaled and rubbed the back of my neck, my answer was immediate.

"No more duet. I know it's popular but I can't do it. I can't sing with him. As for the other songs I sing with BTR, maybe he could not sing them?"

"Done. What else?"

"My own bus. I can't be so close to him."

Kelly nodded. "Already taken care of and it will be here by the time we leave tonight."

"Thank you. I think that's it really. I want to be here, I'm happy to be here, but I want to avoid him as much as I can for now."

Gustavo agreed with me and signed off on what I had asked for. "We can do all of this. There may be a time where you have to be in the same room or onstage but I will avoid it as much as possible.

"I really appreciate all of this, thank you."

"Do you want to perform tonight?"

That was all I wanted, I wanted to feel normal again. "Yes, and if it's okay, I'd like to do a new song instead of the duet."

I could tell that the producer in him was impressed. "You've got it."

With that, I decided to settle in my dressing room, before Kendall started roaming the venue. Once we were tucked away behind the closed door Liz turned to me. "What happened with the guys?"

"I told them everything," I admitted. "It felt good."

Liz softened. "I'm proud of you."

"Me too."

She squeezed my arm and I knew we were both thinking about the day I told her. It had happened just after the video had been released to the press.

 _"No! We don't have a game plan right now. Call me back when you have a real answer about suing him." She hung up her phone and groaned. "Elle?"_

 _I heard her voice but I couldn't respond. All I could do was stare at the screen and the way Jett held me to the counter. My name and face were everywhere, it made me sick. I was shell-shocked. I couldn't form words but Liz was in my face and speaking._

 _"I know this looks bad. But I can spin this, I can fix this Elle." She was smiling and nodding. "We'll say you're a young couple in love, you both were drunk and you're in love."_

 _Tears pooled in my eyes and I furiously shook my head. "I-I don't love him and I know he certainly doesn't love me. Don't make me say t-that. Please don't, I can't."_

 _"Elle, what is wrong with you?"_

 _Inside I was on the brink of panic but I was too shocked to give in completely. I watched as he kissed my neck and the way my body was limp underneath him._

 _"Eleanor?"_

 _My voice was raspy and I blinked through hot tears. "J-Jett raped me."_

 _The words hung in the air, it was the first time I told someone. Confusion morphed to anger and she gasped._

 _"What, when?"_

 _I gave a jerky nod to the TV. "T-Then, right there."_

 _"Jesus. We need to call the police, you need to tell them this."_

 _A sob bubbled up from my chest. "I can't."  
_

 _"Why not?"_

 _I rubbed my hand over my face. "I t-tried, I wanted to. But look what happened."_

 _"You mean he put this video out?"_

 _All I could do was hold myself as I cried. "I'm sorry."_

 _Liz hugged me tight and smoothed my hair. "It's not your fault, it's all going to be okay."_

I brought back to the present by Liz swiping her thumb across my cheek. Her smile was gentle and she was cautious. I hadn't realized I had been crying.

"Are you okay?"

"Y-Yeah. I feel safe this time, and seeing the fans will help."

She pressed my cup of tea into my hands. "Do you want to try and find an outfit for tonight and do a soundcheck?"

The normalcy of this was comforting. Just two weeks ago I thought I would never perform again. Either because I was dead or the fans wouldn't want me. But here I was doing a soundcheck. I was grateful for the second chance.

"God, yes."

Liz held open the door for me and we started down the hallway to where my costumes had been stored. A few crew members and makeup artists smiled when I passed. The warm welcome was nice. It felt like home.

"Now, I'm thinking that half sleeve black number would look pretty." Liz was saying as we walked. "It's up to you of course."

"I think you're right. And it would cover my arms a little bit."

"You're absolutely right. Great idea. Now for the setlist, I feel like we-"

Liz's words fell on deaf ears because every part of my body went numb. The hair on my neck stood on edge and my stomach clenched. I dropped my tea, not even flinching when it splashed on my leg. I couldn't feel a single thing. There was no air in my lungs and all I could do was stare. Green eyes looked back at me, there was a hint of bruising around one of them but they were both filled with shock. His mess of blonde hair looked greasy and tangled and matched the scruff on his face. I practically could smell the smoke and mint from here. An unlit cigarette dangled from his pink mouth. The ghost of a smile pulled at the corners.

"Len?" He breathed.

I blinked hard, hoping that he wouldn't be there when I opened my eyes. But there he was, just as still as I was. Our gazes were locked and it felt like I was looking into the eyes of a total stranger. I didn't know him and I never had.

* * *

AN: Kendall knows she's back! How do you think they'll react to seeing each other? Elle is officially back on tour, I'm so proud of her. We also saw Kendall making the infamous bet with Jett! My favorite parts of this chapter were Kendall flicking through the radio stations and being sad, Elle confessing her past to the guys and the final scene with Kendall. What were yours?

I apologize for taking so long to update but I've been busy with work and stressed out. I will update again sometime this month. Going into to late fall and early winter you can expect regualr updates again! Things are getting juicy, so let me know what you think!

Stay tuned and please review!


	26. Chapter 26

AN: Guess who's back! Thank you for your patience and for your kind comments. I apologize for taking so long to update but work was really busy. But I am back and more excited than ever to dive into the world of Elle and Kendall. This chapter picks up right where the last one ended. I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you thought.

* * *

There was no air in the room and the tension was tangible. It felt like time had stopped as we stared at each other. The cigarette that had been dangling from his mouth fell from his lips as he gasped in shock. We were suspended in a vacuum, neither of us dared to make a move.

Until—

He was a barrage of frantic words as he rushed towards me. His eyes were wide and expressive. But the only thing I could hear was the pounding of my heart. My mouth was bone dry and it was only when he reached out to touch me did I finally hear him.

"Len, god it's so good to see you baby. I'm so fucking sorry and I missed you so much." His voice was shaking and his words ran together. "I thought about you every day. I'm so happy to see you."

That was when I found my voice. "No. Stop."

But he continued rambling, he was smiling. "I knew you'd come back to me."

"I didn't come back to you."

He let out a long sigh and shook his head. "I can't believe you're here. I missed you, Len. Come here."

"Don't touch me."

He ignored this as he pulled me in for a hug. His body was heavy and hot. He didn't smell the same, he smelled like pot and sweat and alcohol. His hands were rough and unfamiliar. Even his voice was distorted as he whispered in my ear. It was gruff and strained from smoking.

"I'm so fucking sorry baby."

It was all too much and my heart started pounding. I shoved him off of me and he looked hurt. My words were trembling.

"Don't t-touch me! Don't call me that."

Kendall recoiled and looked like a kicked puppy. "But-."

My teeth were gritted. "I didn't come back for you. I came back for my fans, leave me alone."

"But-" He sighed and crossed his arms. "I— it was a mistake."

"Just leave me alone."

"But you came back."

"Not for you. Not for your disgusting fucking bets or games. Leave me the hell alone."

He reached out again, but before I could react his arm was thrown down.

"She said to leave her alone."

The guys had joined us in the hallway, they shared the same angry expression. Kendall was unbothered and scoffed at this.

"What? Are you going to punch me in the other eye now? I'm talking to Elle."

Hearing my name come out of his mouth made me sick. My eyes slid back to Kendall's face, his eyes hadn't left mine. He gave me a smile and wet his lips before speaking.

"It's good to see you."

"I don't want to talk to you."

He pressed his hand to my cheek and when I flinched he looked troubled. "Please, I just want to apologize. Let's talk."

It was Logan who moved between us, one arm went out towards Kendall and the other went around my waist. "Are you deaf? She said no."

"Can we go?" I asked quietly. "I don't want to be here."

Liz was already booking it towards the office we had just left, her whole demeanor had changed. It was comforting to see that Kendall's shit wouldn't be tolerated. But as the guys and I moved down the hallway Kendall continued to follow us.

"Baby, please. I'm so sorry about all of this. You know it was an accident, I love you."

Those three words were enough to make me feel sick to my stomach. I nearly tripped over my own feet when I heard it. I turned around and he looked desperate. When he realized I was making eye contact, he grinned at me.

My words were sharp and my glare was cold. " _Never_ fucking say that to me again."

"But I do. I love you." He managed to get his fingers through my clenched fists. "Eleanor, give me a second chance I'm so goddamn sorry."

I wrenched my hand away and turned to his friends. "Keep him away from me, please. I have a show to get ready for."

James was quick to act and held him back. "You heard her."

I made my way to my dressing room and once I was safely inside, I locked the door. I held my hand against my mouth as I fought back tears. My cheeks were hot and my throat was tight. The guys had uneasy looks and James handed me a tissue box.

"Don't cry, it's going to be fine. He's not going to come near you."

"I don't l-love him, he doesn't love me." I rasped out. "He's not going to leave me alone."

Carlos wore a sad expression as he put his arms around my shoulders. "Hey, one of us is always going to be right next to you. He's not going to bother you, I promise you that. Right guys?"

"Absolutely. I mean we already beat him up once, we could do it again." There was no hint of humor in James' voice. "He doesn't get to make this better by apologizing. What he did was unacceptable."

"I-I'm sorry. I don't want to cause problems."

"He's the problem. Not you."

There was a knock on the door and I inhaled sharply. "God, no."

"Elle, it's me. Please let me inside."

A wave of relief washed over me, it was only Liz. I nodded for them to open the door.

"Can I have the room?" She asked as she hung a garment bag on the rack.

The guys filed out one by one and Liz sat next to me. She pushed a fresh cup of tea into my hands and smoothed my hair. Just having her next to me was comforting, she wouldn't let anything bad happen to me.

"Gustavo is explaining the new contract to him right now. After the shows, you'll be put on your bus first. He won't be anywhere near you if you don't want him to be."

The tea calmed my nerves and I stared at the ceiling. "I hate him."

"Me too."

I wanted to tell her how I was already tired of his shit, how I wanted to die every time I saw him, but I just gave a heavy sigh. I was too tired to talk about it.

"I-I should get ready for the show."

"Are you sure?"

It took a moment to get to my feet but I unzipped the bag and ran my thumb over the outfit. "I didn't miss _him_. But I missed this more than anything."

* * *

The first concert I had ever put on had been for my label. The investors wanted to see if I could perform well onstage. So I had found myself in a theatre packed full executives and teenage girls. I was 16, bright-eyed and eager to please. I had been so anxious that I threw up before the show. I hadn't been that nervous for a performance since the first show of the Count Me In Tour, the first concert since the Jett Incident. I thought that had been the last time I'd have to deal with stage fright.

But like so many other things, I had been wrong about that.

I was mere moments away from being back onstage after my two-week break. I had performed thousands of times but I knew the world would be watching now that I had returned. I was focusing on deep breathing when Liz rubbed my shoulders.

"How it's going? Do you need anything?"

I adjusted my inner earpiece and waved her off. "No, thanks though."

"Hey, I'm so proud of you." Liz held my face. "You're so strong and a badass and I'm proud."

This warmed my heart inside and out. "Thank you. I couldn't do this without you."

"You could, but you don't have too. We'll celebrate afterward."

"There she is!"

I spun around to see the guys. They were all grinning and pulled me into a group hug. I let it soothe my anxiety, it's not like I hadn't performed before but the support was nice.

"You're going to kill it, we'll be right here."

I climbed onto the platform that would lift me onto the stage. I shook out my arms and legs and gave them a final smile. My heart was pounding in my chest as the fans cheers grew louder and louder.

"Long time no see!" I said into the microphone. "Are you ready to have some fun?"

The sound was deafening, even with the earpieces it rattled my brain. All I could do was laugh. The arena was full, the fans were excited to see me and best of all, no one thought it was my fault. They didn't leave me and for that, I would always be grateful.

"My name is Elle Harper and welcome to the Count Me In Tour. I'm _so_ happy to see all of you."

And I was, this time a few weeks ago I wanted to die. I almost had. But here I was, supported and able to perform. I took a big breath and nodded for the music to start. I could do this, it's all I wanted to do. It's what this summer always should have been about, the music and nothing else. It was all muscle memory. I was home.

"And we're gonna live like we're gonna die young!"

The show was going better than I hoped it would. Everyone was engaged and having a good time, lots of the signs said welcome back and it felt right to be here. That being said it was uncomfortable when I sang about Kendall. From the song I wrote after we had sex to the song I wrote about his crush, it was painful. I had really fallen for him, for a joke. But right now I was too nervous to dwell on that.

"Uh, I just want to say something. This is the time in my set when I usually sing a duet, but for obvious reasons, I don't want to." I said slowly as the arena grew almost silent. "I'm not going to lie, I was really nervous to come here tonight but you're all so welcoming. So if it's okay, I thought I'd sing something new. I wrote it while I was away."

The audience clapped as I took a seat at the piano. It had been ages since I actually played an instrument onstage, Liz had insisted that no one came to see me play piano or guitar. It was then that a memory reared its head.

Kendall and I had been polishing Night Like This, he didn't know I could play any instruments. I told him how Liz had said people wanted to see me dance not play. I could still hear his laugh.

 _"Well, that's shitty because you're good." He offered. "I mean you can dance too but you play well."_

The memory hit me like a punch to the gut. It felt like it had been a lifetime since then and in some ways it had. I had still been traumatized by Jett, hadn't been back on a stage and the tour hadn't started. But now, it was the Kendall Incident, I had returned to the stage once again and all I wanted was for the tour to end.

"I hope you like it. It's personal." I blurted out, trying to focus. "Here we go."

"I only want what's best for me, I thought you were the best for me. But it turns out that you're not."

The song was soft, just me and the piano. It had poured out of me late one night while I was still under a suicide watch, it was one of the rawest songs I had ever written. My voice was tight as I made it to the chorus. It was about Kendall, what happened in my apartment and how lost I was.

"I just ran out of band-aids, I don't even know where to start. You can bandage the damage but you never really can fix a heart."

It had been a bet. It had been one giant joke to Kendall. He had shared my pictures, used my body for a sick game. He had been in on it with the man who assaulted me. Where do you even begin to unravel of that? Everything was a disaster and it was all his fault. Just thinking about it was enough to make me want to die.

I played an interlude and looked up. The guys and Liz were all watching me with smiles on their faces. Kendall was nowhere to be found, at least until I looked on the other side of the stage. He was alone, his arms were crossed and he was frowning. It made me inhale loudly into the mic. I stared only at my hands and the keys as I reached the bridge of the song. I was angry and devastated as I reached this part.

"You must be a miracle worker, swearing up and down you can fix what's been b-broken."

Kendall had promised me he could fix me, he could help me. He had said so when I had broken down about Jett in New York. I had called him a miracle worker when he said that. Jett had called me disposable and said that Kendall would never love me. And it turned out Jett was right, he never had and he sure as hell couldn't fix me. Everything he said was a lie.

"Why'd you get my hopes up?" My voice was pitiful.

An ugly sob worked it's way out of my mouth. He had acted like he cared about me, about helping me. I tried to sing the next line but instead, another sob echoed throughout the arena. The bandages on my arms peeked out from the outfit I was wearing. The sight of them sent me back to my apartment. I had tried to kill myself because of him, I had almost died because of _him_. And yet he had the audacity to say he loved me after sharing my pictures. Tears quickly worked their way down my cheeks. I forced myself to look up at him.

His frown had deepened and his eyes were glassy with tears. He looked almost as awful as I felt. I wiped at my face and felt my shoulders shake, I hated that he could make me feel like this. I had already felt this way once but here I was again, falling apart. I hiccuped and my chest felt tight. I pressed my hand to my mouth. The last thing I wanted was to have a panic attack on stage. My eyes darted around the arena, on the right side of the stage Liz and the guys looked worried. Carlos gave me a thumbs up and his friends nodded. On the left, he was crying just like I was.

"Elle! Elle! Elle!"

The audience's chant was slow and loud, it rolled over me and my heart swelled. I sniffled as I leaned into the mic, my gaze never left Kendall's.

"I only came back for my fans, no one else. Not the label, not my manager and certainly not for _him_. I came back for you all."

It was then that Kendall wiped at his own face. I was still crying and my voice was strained as I sang.

"B-Baby, tell me how could you be s-so cruel?" It came out as a whisper. "It's like you're pouring salt on my cuts."

I belted out the chorus and managed to stop the shaking of my hands. Kendall's face was red and he looked like the guilt was eating him alive. He deserved it.

"You never will fix my heart."

The stage went dark and once I stepped away from the mic, I let out a sob. I just wanted this summer to be over, I didn't want to see him ever again. But for now, I was stuck.

* * *

The rest of the set was lighter, I was feeling a little embarrassed. I had never cried on stage before. Granted, I had never had my nudes shared my a tourmate who bet on whether or not he could fuck me with my rapist. So apparently, there was a first time for everything. But I kept a smile on my face as I danced to the final song.

"Detroit, your love is my drug! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Now get ready for Big Time Rush."

Confetti blasted from the cannons and I waved before running off the stage. Instantly, there were cheers and hugs from the guys, their team and Liz.

"There she is!" Liz greeted with a grin.

"I am so fucking proud of you." James kissed the top of my head. "You got back out there."

"Not only that you sounded great."

"Yeah, Logan's right. You killed it."

I took the shot Logan had handed me and laughed a little. "It was a little rough."

"No way, you were great. Especially considering what happened." Gustavo clapped me on the shoulder. "You're a pro."

"Be proud of yourself." Kelly echoed.

"T-Thank you."

I wished the guys a good show before hightailing it to my bus. It was the same size as the old one but just for me. Normally I would watch and take part in their set but tonight I just couldn't. It was a good first start and I was pleased with what I'd done but I needed time. Liz was on a conference call with the label to let them know how the show went, so I was alone for now. I showered and changed into pajamas, only after applying medicine to my arms. This made me especially grateful to have my own bus. The cuts on my arms were still healing and sore, I didn't want anyone to see them without bandages. So once I was comfortable in a long sleeve shirt I felt better. Another perk was that I could leave my things where I liked and do what I wanted. So I pulled my laptop out of a duffle bag and looked over some of the songs I had written. I was in a better mood than I had been and was content to be alone.

It was a loud knock that broke my attention a short time later. The time on my laptop told me that the show had just finished and that we'd be leaving soon. Liz had promised me that she'd let know when it was over so I wouldn't bump into him if I went back into the venue. I made my way to the door and hit the button to open it. My stomach instantly fell. It was Kendall.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Elle please, can we talk?"

I reached to hit the button. "No, leave."

Kendall stuck his arm in the door, stopping the automatic door from shutting. "I'm begging. Just hear me out and I'll leave you alone for the rest of tour."

Every part of me knew that this was bullshit but a smaller part hoped that verbal agreements were legal in this state. And I'd never turn down a chance to make him feel guilty for what he did. I gave him a once over and decided he was non-threatening enough. He was still in his stage outfit and his face was shiny with sweat as if he ran offstage straight to the bus. When I waved him in he perked up and scrambled up the stairs.

"It's so good to see you." He stretched out his arms and came close. "I missed you."

"Don't." I held up a hand and moved back.

"Sorry. Uh, how are you?"

"Fine."

"Well, I'm really happy to see you." He smiled and clenched his shaking hands. "I'm so sorry for everything I did. You know that right? You know that I'm sorry and I love you?"

I purposely kept my tone short. "No."

He scowled at this and rolled his eyes. "Can I get more than one syllable from you?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Fuck off." I deadpanned, counting off each syllable on my fingers.

Kendall didn't find this funny and put his hand on my waist and pulled me in. "I missed you."

"Don't touch m-me." Panic was already rising in my chest. "Let go."

He dropped his hands and frowned when I flinched. "Len, don't be scared. I just want to talk to you."

"Two minutes is all I'm giving you."

This wasn't what he wanted to hear because he scoffed. "Seriously?"

"You have a minute and fifty seconds."

He stared at my face, looking for any hint of a joke. When he saw I was serious, he started again. "I'm really sorry."

"So you've said." My voice was flat, I refused to give him any indication of forgiveness.

"How are you? You, uh, you look good."

"Well, it's amazing what two weeks of crying and not eating can do for you." This was painfully awkward and I just wanted it to be over. "You look like shit."

Kendall actually cracked a laugh at this and ran his hand through his hair. It was greasy and tangled. His eyes were dull and bloodshot, one was purple and swollen. His stubble had grown out into unkempt scruff. Bruises dusted his pale skin and his lip was split. He looked strung out and I could smell alcohol on his breath from where I stood.

"I guess I do. I know you don't want to see me or talk to me but I just wanted to say sorry." He wrung his hands together. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"That's not going to fix this Kendick. You're a pig, what you did was _disgusting!"_

The volume of my voice was enough to make him jump. "I know, I regret it and I'm so sorry."

For two weeks I had been too numb to be angry but now, looking at him, it was bubbling through to the surface. "How could you do that to me?"

He sighed and shook his head. "I'm an idiot. I was mad that you tweeted about me and Jo."

I spoke slowly, he clearly didn't understand. "How could you bet on whether on not you could fuck me?"

"Oh. That."

His stupidity was astounding. "Yes. _That._ "

All he did was shrug his shoulders. "At f-first, I just thought you were some slutty pop star who had been a bitch to me and Jo. So when J-Jett bet me I couldn't fu-, have sex with you, I thought it would be funny." He saw me sniff and quickly backtracked. "But then I got to know you. I never felt something like that before and it scared me. I think I was such a dick to you because I couldn't, shit, I couldn't understand how drawn I was to you or why I liked you. You were supposed to be this bitchy, slutty, troublemaker. But y-you're not. God, Len, I'm so sorry."

He sucked in a long breath and reached out to touch my face. My eyes were stinging but I refused to let any tears fall in front of him. I turned my head and he shyly drew his hand away.

"From d-day one when you walked into the studio I knew I was fucked. You didn't take shit from anyone and you knew what you wanted. It was so irritating at first always having you challenge me but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like that about you. And I didn't want to like you, I wasn't supposed to, it was supposed to be a funny joke between Jett and I. You were meant to be nothing but you ended up becoming everything. And I messed it all up and I hurt you. I'm so sorry."

Hearing how he had felt about me compared to where we were now was enough to make me cry. I hated it and quickly rubbed my fists into my eyes. When I spoke I struggled to keep my words from shaking.

"I still d-don't understand why. Why did you try to fuck me as a bet?"

"I hated how you were rude to Jo and me when you visited her on set. I saw the drama you had with your sex tape and worried about it affecting the band. And I thought it would be entertaining." He cringed at his own words. "Jett said you'd sleep with anyone even if they were rude to you and he said I didn't have any game so I wanted to prove him wrong."

Hearing him call the video a sex tape and talk about how Jett viewed me made me sick. "That's stupid."

"I know, I know. And I never wanted it to go that far. And the guys will tell you that I dropped it after you and I got close. They tried to talk me out of it when I first told them and they were right it was awful. And we had our own game going, and I liked you." He was frantic now and his words were running together as he tried to speak. "And I-I forgot about it. Jett would mention it every so often and I'd tell him I wasn't going to do it. But then you-"

He trailed off and looked uneasy. There was no point in him trying to sugar coat anything so I rolled my eyes. "Then I what? Try to justify this."

Kendall seemed three inches tall. "Y-You tweeted about me and Jo and she left. It pissed me off and I don't know, posting those pictures made me feel like we were even. Honestly, that whole day with Jo I wanted you. But I owed it to her to try but you made me so mad, and I treated you like shit that day, don't get me wrong. But in some sick way, I wanted to prove to her or to myself that it wasn't that deep between you and I. But then I regretted it right away. When I saw your face when I came back out, it killed me. I made so many mistakes that day, so many this summer, I regret each one. I regret hurting you."

"You told me to k-kill myself and you shoved me!" I yelled at him and clenched my fists. "The world has seen my nudes and me being told to die. And it's all because of you."

His green eyes were teary and he rubbed a hand over his jaw. "Jesus, I know. I will _never_ put my hands on you again. And I'm so happy you're okay. That text was the worst moment of my life and I'm so glad you're okay."

A sob escaped from my mouth and I shook my head. "I'm not okay."

"Elle."

"I'm not okay, Kendall. You treated me like shit all summer. You pushed me, you made me look like an idiot because you couldn't tell Jo the truth. You told me to kill myself. You told the world you fucked me as a joke and shared my nudes after knowing what the Jett Incident did to my confidence and career. You made a bet with my ex-fucking boyfriend that you could fuck me because you only saw me as a slut and a conquest. So no, I'm not fucking okay."

My explosion had caused Kendall to shrink back. "Come on-"

"No!" My voice cracked as I shouted. "I spent to two weeks in my apartment so fucked u-up. My face and name and fucking _body_ were everywhere. The only silver lining in all of this is that I shared those pictures of us from before I knew you were an asshole. The media focused on those and took my side. Meanwhile, you were just getting drunk and sad. I was reliving every second of the Jett Incident and combing through our 'relationship' to see what I had missed. You really had me fooled."

"You didn't miss anything. It was real to me, completely real." He promised as he stepped closer and took my hand. "I wanted to come after you, as soon as you left, when you posted those pictures when you texted me. I wanted to be next to you."

Panic coursed through me as I cried. "I came so fucking close Kendall."

"Close?"

I pushed up my sleeves and revealed the angry red scarring on my arms. Kendall looked ill and pressed his lips together as he started crying too.

"Baby, no. G-God, I'm sorry." He rasped. "I-I'm so fucking sorry, it's all my fault."

Having him see them left me feeling vulnerable. "I was so low after Jett. But this was torture, I wanted to die. I took sleeping pills too but I got sick before anything could happen. They found me passed out in my own vomit."

"Oh god."

"I didn't want to feel anything Kendall. But then I had to worry about being sick for a few days." I scoffed and shook my head as I got choked up. "And then Liz made me take a pregnancy test and-"

"Wait, what?"

When I looked up Kendall had completely frozen and the little color he had left in his face had drained. He looked like he was going to collapse as he furrowed his eyebrows and fell back onto the couch.

"Kendall it's-" I started to correct him as I sat down.

"You're p-pregnant?" He wasn't angry when he spoke, just dazed.

The panicked look on his face was the first time I saw him feel anything remotely close to what I had been dealing with. So he could feel the same turmoil for a few moments that I had felt for two weeks straight. Everything was a game to him anyways. But unlike him, I wouldn't let it go on for half a summer. He reached his hand out to hold my mine and I could see how he was shaking.

"Don't touch me," I said smacking it away. "I'm not-"

" _Fuck_. I pushed you and y-you hurt yourself. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I've never been better," I said coldly. "You pushed me and told me to kill myself. How do you think I am?"

"I didn't mean any of that. I swear to god I didn't mean to hurt you but especially not now. Not if you're having my ba-, shit. I'm sorry."

"Well, 'sorry' won't fix anything you did, will it?"

"Oh, Jesus." He mumbled as he buried his head in his hands.

Kendall was quiet for a long moment. And because I was a better person than he was, I started feeling a bit guilty for letting him panic like this. The space between us was charged with electricity and when he looked up his green eyes were wet with tears. He nodded to himself and his words were barely above a whisper.

"I-I didn't have a dad. So I'll probably be bad at this, but I want to do the right thing." He said timidly as he pressed his hand to my stomach. "E-Even if you want to keep it or whatever. I'll do whatever you want."

There was a lump in my throat and I hated the feeling of him touching me. "Kendall, no."

He glanced up from where he was staring at his hand and gave me the weakest smile. "Or if you don't want to have it that's fine too. Shit, that's not me saying I don't want it. It's y-your body and choice, I just mean that I'm here no matter what. I know I've fucked up but I want to do the right thing for the two of you."

I could see his panic attack that was just below the surface and knew I couldn't let it continue any longer. He was cautious as he rubbed his large hand back and forth over my belly. He had a faraway look in his eyes. He wasn't angry but he wasn't thrilled either. He was some strange combination of the two. All I could think about was how gentle he was compared to two weeks ago, compared to Jett. When Jett had thought I was pregnant he had bashed my head into the wall. But Kendall, despite all the mistakes he made, wasn't aggressive.

"You took a test?"

"It was negative."

He looked confused and pulled his hand away. "But you said- what?"

"I'm on the pill. I thought I was but don't worry you didn't knock me up when you fucked me as a joke."

"What the hell Elle! I just felt really guilty for shoving you."

"Well, you fucking should, even if I'm not having a baby. You still told me to kill myself."

"You're right but why did you just let me freak out?"

"You kept interrupting me every three seconds. And I just spent two weeks wanting to kill myself, you can be uneasy for a few minutes."

He let out a big breath he had been holding. He was overcome with relief. His hand was still shaking as he pointed to my middle.

"You're not pregnant?"

"No, thank god. False alarm."

He ran his hand through his hair. "Good. But I would've been there for you."

"There's no way in hell I would have kept it. Why would I want a part of _you_ attached to me?" I sneered at him. "Besides, it's first words would have been it telling me to kill myself."

This made him roll his eyes and he frowned. "I'm sorry, Elle. I'm glad you're okay, well I know you're not okay. But I'm happy you're here."

"Oh really? Because the last time I checked you wanted me to do everyone a favor and kill myself."

He winced and searched for words. "I never should have said that to you. I-I was upset and so much was happening at once."

"And then you _pushed_ me and shared my nudes." I pinched the bridge of my nose. "You know, I don't even know why we're having this conversation."

"Because I'm sorry! I'm sorry and I care about you, and I want to prove it to you. Or make it up to you, I-I don't know but I can't have you hate me. I'm in love with you and I don't want you to hurt yourself." He grabbed my waist and pulled me close. "Tell me how I can fix this."

Instantly, I elbowed him in the ribs. "Get off of me. You can't fix this, I look like a joke. And did you not hear my song? There's _nothing_ you can do to fix any of this you dumbass."

Kendall pressed his hand to my cheek. "I will never be able to apologize enough for all the shit I've done. But I'm going to try to prove it to you. I love you so much and I'm sorry."

This brought a fresh crop of tears to my eyes. I shook my head and looked around the room, I couldn't look him in the eye. That's when the bunch of fabric caught my attention. I turned and pulled it out of my bag, my heart lodged in my throat.

"Elle, c'mon. You're my girl."

I hurled it at him, those three words got under my skin. "Fuck you! I'm not your girl and I never was. I don't love you, you don't love me and you will _never_ make this up to me. Now leave and take that with you."

Kendall picked up the green sweatshirt, he ran his thumb over the logo and smiled sadly to himself. "Keep it, it always looked better on you anyway."

"Go!" My voice shook.

He took a step towards me and pressed the sweatshirt into my hands. "I do love you and I'm going to make this right."

"Leave." I was crying and my face was hot. "Don't come back."

Kendall's eyes were glassy as he kissed my cheek. "I'm in love with you, Elle. I'll prove it to you."

I couldn't speak so I just pointed to the door. He finally left and once the door shut, sobs wracked my shoulders. I had given him so much of myself only for him to take advantage of it. It was then and there I decided, that he would never get anything from me again. Not my friendship, not my heart and certainly not my forgiveness. As far as I was concerned, the Kendall Knight from the beginning of this summer, the one who made my heart race, didn't exist.

And I guess he never really had.

* * *

AN: Elle's returned to the tour and to the stage! Kendall is still in love with her and will do anything to fix his mistake. My favorite parts of this chapter were when Kendall and Elle first saw each other. I also liked writing the scene between them on the bus. Especially when he thought she was pregnant and how different his reaction was compared to Jett's. What was your favorite part? The next chapter covers the press' reaction to her return and Kendall continues to try to fix things. Elle copes with being back and her friendship with the guys will grow.

Again, thanks for waiting for me! I wanted to update before November ended, two hours before still counts right? The next chapter will hopefully be up next week or the week after next. Probably on Wednesday or Thursday. It should be pretty lengthy so stay tuned. Please let me know what you thought.


	27. Chapter 27

AN: It's Big Time Thursday! Thanks for your feedback and patience. To show you my gratitude, this is a fairly long chapter. The POV switches just a touch for a scene just to give you a heads up. I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you thought.

* * *

"All eyes continue to be on the Count Me In Tour. Elle Harper unexpectedly made her return to the stage in Detroit. It's been two weeks since her private photos were leaked by tourmate and ex-fling Kendall Knight. Her performance last night is being praised as 'brave and inspiring' from critics and fans alike. Most touching was a new untitled song she performed instead of the usual duet with Kendall. It's clear everything is still fresh because the 21-year old broke down on stage but finished the song after fans cheered her on. Onstage Elle gave her first comments on the scandal, saying 'I only came back for my fans, no one else. Not the label, not my manager and certainly not for him. I came back for you all'. Rumours are circulating that she has her own bus and that Kendall's own bandmates are keeping him away from her."

"Can we turn this off? I don't need to hear it rehashed, especially because I'll be talking about it for the next year."

"You know five weeks is the standard cycle for celebrity gossip," Liz said dryly as she closed her laptop. "And trust me once you drop this album the only thing people will be talking about is where your Grammy nomination is."

"Five weeks, perfect. The tour will be over by then and I'll never have to see his face again."

It was my first full day being back on the tour and we were in Green Bay for today and tomorrow, our last stop in the Midwest before we headed to the Pacific Northwest. I hadn't been sleeping well since Liz took my sleeping pills. I thought having my own bus would help with that, but I ended up just being bored without my friends. But being on a bus without _him_ on it was actually peaceful, I hadn't seen Kendick all morning. But I knew that would change because we were scheduled for an interview at a radio station in a half hour.

"No, you won't. But as far as today goes, he knows not to say anything awful. He signed a non-disclosure last night, their legal team doesn't want to risk anything." Liz nonchalantly picked at her nails. " _I_ still think we should hit him with charges but you're a better person than me."

I snorted at this and thought of every single mess Liz had taken care of for me in the past few years. From my rocky relationship with Jett, the whole Jett Incident, the suicide attempts, the pregnancy scare, and miscarriage fiasco and now this, she was there for everything.

"Liz you deserve an award for dealing with me."

"We should head to the car, we don't want your first interview to start with you being late." She gathered her things. "Oh and I deserve at least _three_ awards."

* * *

The radio station's tiny parking lot had more people than cars it in. Fans lined the sidewalks and police were holding people back. That wasn't too out of the ordinary but the media was. TMZ wannabees and local news stations were there with their cameras. The guys had gone first but I hung back signing a few autographs and taking pictures. It was overwhelming but being back with fans was worth it.

"I'm glad you're okay. He's a dick and no one likes him."

I laughed a little as I signed her poster. "That should be the title of my album."

The fan shook her head. "No don't give him any more attention, boy bye."

But Kendick didn't need me to give him attention he had enough on his own. Further down the sidewalk, the press were swarming him, fans didn't seem to want any selfies with him. Cameras were shoved in his face and the bright light illuminated the bruises on his skin. He still looked like shit, he was unshaven and was wearing a black hoodie even in the heat.

"Kendall, how do you feel that Elle is back?"

"What about the rumors that she tried to kill herself because of you? Are you both suicidal?"

"Do you regret what you did?"

He was clearly fed up with all of the attention. He shoved one of the paparazzi hard enough to make him stumble. When more cameras were thrust at him, he pushed one away.

"Get that thing out of my fucking face!"

The guys and I all shared uneasy looks and my mouth was dry. Watching him shove the paps was all too similar to him shoving me. He pulled his hood over his head and covered his face as he walked towards the building. His outburst only encouraged the press.

"Kendall, C'mon man. Why'd you post those pictures?"

"Do your friends want you to leave the band?"

He balled up his fists and I could see the veins in his neck. "I said get out of my fucking face."

The guys were quick to deny that they wanted him to go. Kelly looked like she was going to have an ulcer as she tried to manage the press.

"He's going through a rough time and made a mistake. I think we should focus on better things like our album." James oozed natural charm. "Come on guys, you know this is hard for everyone."

"Yeah, and our friend Elle is back on tour. Don't give him any more attention."

With them distracting the press, I slipped inside the building fairly unscathed. It wasn't until I saw him in the lobby, did my hands start to shake.

"What?" He snapped. "Are you going to tell me I was an idiot for shoving them?"

He was trying to smoke inside, that was new even for him. "I would but you shoved me, so clearly you have no issue with it."

"Fuck, Len, I just... I'm sorry, okay?"

"Yeah, whatever."

The guys joined us inside and I sighed. At least I wasn't alone with him anymore. Logan reached up and snatched the lighter before he could use it.

"That's disgusting."

Kendick stuffed his hand in his pocket and produced a small vape, he took an exaggerated puff and blew in Logan's direction.

"Jesus, he's one of _those_ guys now?" I asked Carlos as we headed toward the elevator bank. "Why am I just learning this?"

"Oh yeah, he vapes." He rolled his eyes. "He's a moron. He's going to poison himself. He bought it at a rest stop last night, our bus stopped for gas."

"The whole bus smells like mint and smoke now." Logan rubbed his temples. "I have a headache from it. Thank god we're in a hotel for two days. Are you alright?"

The doors were sliding shut and I could see Kelly scolding him. He was biting his lip and looked like all the life had been sucked right out of him. He didn't even react to being chided.

"I'm fine."

Once we were upstairs, Liz was already there running point. My seat was the furthest from his and she was explaining what questions were off limits. We met the radio host who would interview us before relaxing. The three guys and I milled around for a few minutes and I was actually in a good mood despite what had happened. Seeing the fans still put a smile on my face, I really thought I'd never see them again after I made it to my apartment. James and I must have been thinking the same thing because he gave me a supportive thumbs up.

"It's good to have you around again."

"Thanks."

We settled in for the interview and Kendall came in and took his seat. His hair had been combed into some kind of order and he quietly slipped on his headphones. The red light buzzed signaling we were on the air.

"You're listening to Green Bay's number one radio station and I'm Zack Reese. It's an exciting morning in the studio, I have Big Time Rush and Elle Harper today."

The questions started off easy, how were the albums going, what our thoughts on recording on the road were, and if the guys were excited to be in the Midwest again. I was grateful that they started off easy but then the mood shifted.

"And of course, we have Elle with us. You just came back to the tour yesterday, welcome back."

"Thanks, I'm glad to be back."

Zack was scrolling on his laptop. "So you put out a song last night, everyone is raving about it. Do you want to give us any insight?"

"Well, uh, I wrote it during my break. It's about everything that had happened at the start of this tour."

"Was it a hard song to write?"

My mind flashed to the bandages I had hidden and to the way I did nothing but cry when I hadn't been sleeping back in LA. "It was hard to write about because what happened is awful. But I wrote it in 20 minutes, it's one of the fastest I've ever written."

"Did you write any other songs while you were away?"

Too many. Once I had been sober the words had poured out of me. "I have a few I'm really proud of. I might add some to my album. But I feel like having songs about the same thing can get repetitive so we'll see."

Zack took a sympathetic turn. "How are you feeling? Did you look at social media at all while you were gone, because everyone was rooting for you."

"The fans were really sweet from what I saw and I'm thankful for that." I was upbeat like Liz had instructed but then I heard myself grow bitter. "But for the most part, I was too busy having panic attacks and crying to look at my social media. Besides, seeing your own face and body gets tiring."

Kendick shifted in his seat and I could see him cringe. I didn't care if it made him uncomfortable, he fucked me as a bet. _That_ was uncomfortable.

"I have to ask, are the two of you still at odds or have you, uh, reconciled?"

I looked down the table at Kendick and then at Zack. "Absolutely not and I no interest. I came back for my fans and no one else, least of all him." I hated myself for the way my voice cracked. "Besides, what he did is u-unforgivable."

The rest of the interview picked up from that point. I made sure to laugh at the right moments and smile when I should but for the most part, I was silent. The guys were smart enough to carry the whole conversation. Every time I looked up from my lap, he was staring at me, the guilt was obvious on his face.

"Sorry." He mouthed to me.

I pretended not to see it and once the interview was over I was the first one out of the room. Liz was quick to rush to my side.

"Are you okay? I didn't know the interview would go that way."

"Fine, don't worry about it. I was going to have to talk about it sometime."

* * *

When we got back to the venue, I settled into my dressing room. We had a few hours to kill until soundcheck and I needed a minute to myself. The interview hadn't been too bad but his outburst outside the station was trending. I watched him shove cameras and people out of his way over and over again. All I could imagine was him shoving me to the ground. A tap on the shoulder made me jump.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I stood from my seat. "Go away."

Kendall sheepishly held out a paper cup to me. "Here."

I eyed the cup with suspicion. I hated to admit it but if he could share my nudes, fuck me as a bet and tell me to die, I wouldn't be shocked if he had slipped something into the drink. After all, apparently he and Jett were friendly. And his eyes were clearly glazed over and red, he was high as hell.

"No."

"Elle, it's just tea, ice water, and honey, I even made sure craft service had the tea you like." He tried to hand it to me. "I know that interview sucked, and tea usually makes you feel better. You always make it when you're stressed."

"How do I know you didn't spit in it or poison it?"

"Oh for fuck sakes." He took a large sip. "It's fine."

Our exchange was too similar to one we had before the tour started. We had been at the studio, the night after we wrote the duet. He had brought me coffee to make up for being a dick. So much had changed between then and now. Too much.

I stared at him for a moment. "Nope, I don't know if it's a bet to make me drink it or not."

His face fell. "I'm sorry, you know that."

"That means nothing to me. Just go away."

He reached out to touch me and I stepped back. "Please."

"Go!"

It was some kind of miracle when Logan walked by, it took him two seconds to force himself between us. "Leave her alone, man."

"She's _my_ girl, not yours." He spat and then took my hand. "Tell him, just talk to me."

Logan put an arm around my waist and smacked his hand away. "I'm not kidding, leave."

"Len."

"Go away. I'm not yours."

Kendall sighed and left the tea on the table. "I'm sorry."

"It doesn't m-matter. Just go."

Kendall didn't reappear for hours. He missed lunch and soundcheck. I was worried they'd find him hanging from the rafters somewhere but when my phone buzzed I was instantly sick.

 _Kendall Knight is live, click now to watch!_

It was a notification, he was live on Instagram. The guys and I had been working on a song I wanted them to sing with me. We all looked at our phones and when the stream buffered it was clear he was on the bus.

"Is he drunk?" I asked no one in particular. "Or high?"

"Both, probably." James deadpanned. "Gustavo is going to be pissed."

"Hey, it's me." His voice was slow and he laughed a little. "I just wanted to jump on and say that I know I fucked up. But I wrote a song if anyone gives a shit."

He peered at the screen and shook his head, the comments were vulgar and rude. Even I flinched, he may have been awful but some of these were too much.

"This person says I should quit the band and die." He seemed amused by it. "You're not wrong, I'm fine with either of those happening. But until then, I wrote this song last week. And I figured since she won't talk to me, she'd hopefully listen to my song."

"Someone needs to stop him." Carlos groaned and rubbed his hand over his forehead. "I thought Kelly took his phone."

On screen, Kendall fiddled with the guitar. He strummed a little and I could see he was reading all the comments that were rushing in.

"The misery, the cigarettes, another night that I'll regret. The suffering, I take a drag, the heat is on, I want you bad." His voice was rough and he played sloppier than he normally would let himself. He was a perfectionist when it came to the guitar. But he didn't seem to care. "The life I'm living lately, if you only knew you'd hate me. When I wake up I'm shaking."

He sang about missing my silhouette and how he was wearing nothing but black. My stomach twisted and I stood from my seat. I was numb as I walked out into the hallway. I looked around at everyone. Gustavo was fuming as he stared at the same video, Kelly was speaking into one phone and texting on the other and Liz looked pissed. Behind me, I could see the guys were worried for their friend but also upset with him.

Maybe coming back had been a mistake.

* * *

I didn't remember last night's show. It was a total blur. I knew it had gone well but I couldn't tell you anything else. The whole time my mind had been on Kendall's fucking song. The guys had spent time with me on the studio bus after the concert. We worked on the song we were collaborating on. They knew better than to talk about their friend, this was more than most people could manage. All the news wanted to talk about was how he needed attention and how he needed to be kicked off the tour. Fans were fighting with each other. Most were defending me but a small handful were worried about his health. And I hated to admit it, but I was too. Gustavo and Kelly were trying to handle the damage and Liz was trying to protect me.

But Kendall, he was smug.

He had been pleased with himself. When he had finished the song yesterday, he came back inside and was wondering why everyone was pissed.

"That's your song, it's for you." Those were the first words he spoke. "I'm sorry for everything, I just needed you to hear me."

But I was done listening.

In many ways, it felt like the beginning of the summer. I hung out with the guys or kept myself busy writing songs. Kendall was someone I had no desire to see or spend time with. And worst of all, I felt violated again. The Jett Incident had become the Kendall Incident. They were both pretty terrible but at least Jett hadn't harassed me every day. Kendall was persistent. He kept trying to be around me and to my horror he was going to get his way.

"No!" I protested. "Absolutely not."

Gustavo rubbed his hand over his face. "Listen, I know he's a complete moron. And I know what he's done is terrible, I'm not defending him or agreeing with him, I'm on your side. But the label is getting worried about the band's unity. The whole rogue song he sang yesterday and the fact the dogs beat him up, it's getting hard to keep a lid on it."

"And what does that have to do with Elle?" Liz was just as upset as I was. "I was fine with her singing with the guys, but not this."

"Also," I interjected. "Why the fuck is this being sprung on me today an hour before?"

"Showing the world that the five of you can be on stage together is a big deal. It shows that things haven't broken down entirely and it shows that it's not the four of you vs Kendall."

"But it is the four of us vs him. I know I said I didn't want to cause drama but I don't know. What are we even going to sing?"

"You were working on a new song last night, right?" He fiddled with his watch. "The dogs were going to sing backup? I was thinking that but if not I'm sure we could do an older song or a cover. You were on the bus working on harmonies."

I was indignant. "Oh, you want me to sing a song about Kendick, with Kendick?"

"I'm desperate here. Big Time Rush isn't taking all this scandal well. And I know it's shitty to ask you to fix it."

It was true, the guys themselves were fine. Logan, James, and Carlos were all still popular and fans were glad to see they were distancing themselves from Kendall's actions. But the actual band was suffering, people had unfollowed them, people had left after my set to avoid seeing him. It wasn't fair to the three of them. After giving it some thought I groaned.

"Only because they're my friends. But Kendall won't be singing, he can play the tambourine for all I care. His mic will be muted and I want you to promise he won't do anything stupid up there." I rattled off, holding my ground. "It's embarrassing for everyone."

Liz and Gustavo shared a look, and when she nodded he seemed relieved. "You've got it. Thank you for this, I know it's not ideal."

"Well, I'm not doing it for him. I'm doing it for the guys and for me. You know, look like the bigger person."

Every couple of shows we had VIP soundchecks early in the day. We got to check the audio and fans got to see us in a personal setting and usually, I enjoyed them. But having an unexpected performance of a new song with Kendall onstage was enough to annoy me. It was only when the guys found me in my dressing room before the performance did I warm to the idea.

"You're way too good of a person, you know that right?" James asked as he came through the door.

"Seriously, thank you."

Logan hugged me from behind. "I know this is shitty but we really needed this."

I turned and stood from my seat. They wore the same grateful expression and a weight was visibly lifted off their shoulders. The past three days had been nice to reunite with them, but they were clearly stressed from all the scandal surrounding the tour. I didn't blame them, they had been working so hard to look more mature and on the album. They were forced to choose between me and their childhood best friend. And to top it all off, they had to deal with Kendall being drunk, whiny and petulant for two weeks. They had been on my side from day one when the worse thing Kendall had done was call me washed up. This was the least I could do.

"You've done so much for me and we were going to sing it soon anyway." I laughed underneath my breath when I realized something. "It's funny, Kendall's biggest concern about me joining the tour was that I'd bring bad press and ruin things. But he was the one to do that."

Yesterday's footage from outside the radio station had gone viral and his song was being talked about all over social media. Every time I was brave enough to peek at my notifications I was flooded with the song and fans asking what I thought about it.

"He's an idiot." Carlos scowled and folded his arms. "It's like he lost all common sense."

The sound of a clearing throat made me jump. He was puffing on his vape and was still in the same black hoodie he wore every second he wasn't onstage.

"Speak of the devil." I glared at him. "What?"

"I'm sorry about having to be there when you sing. I know you're pissed, I heard you arguing about it."

"I'm pissed about a lot of things. I take it Gustavo has already told you to just shut up and sit there?"

He nodded and blew a cloud of smoke. "Yeah, I won't sing. Thanks for doing this."

"I'm not doing it for you, it's for my friends. This shouldn't be hard for you, pretending that you're a decent person. You had me fooled all summer."

This made him cringe and he reached out to me. "Babe."

"Don't talk to me. Just shut up and try not to leak my nudes while we're out there."

* * *

The fans were excited to see us and I was excited to see them, even if the situation wasn't ideal. The welcome back signs warmed my heart as I sat on my stool. The way these worked was we'd each sing an old song and then answer some questions. But today the idea was to make things look like they weren't falling apart. The guys managed to trade a few jokes before they sang Shot in the Dark. It was a major throwback that even I enjoyed. I hadn't watched BTR's set last night or in Detroit so it was jarring to watch them boo Kendall everytime he sang. The guys picked up the slack when he stopped singing. I almost felt bad but it passed when I thought of how disgusting he had been. I played a stripped down version of Take It Off, it had been the first song of mine that really pissed people off. Being sixteen and singing about drunken partying was enough to get your name out there. Singing it was a nice change it reminded me of a simpler time, before Jett and before Kendall.

James took the lead once I finished. "Normally, we answer questions right now. But we thought we'd change it up, Green Bay is that okay with you?"

"Now that we're all nostalgic, we thought it would be a good time to sing something new." Carlos teased. "Elle, being the genius she is, came up with this."

I made sure to smile wide for the sake of the press and I heard Kendall force out a laugh. Inwardly, I was nervous as hell and my hands shook. I may have sung a new song in front of Kendall the other night but he was three feet away from me now. I stalled, hoping to stop my voice from trembling.

"How many of you have been in a relationship that wasn't what you thought?" Most of the hands shot up in the air. "Maybe you weren't dating officially but you still find yourself trying to figure out what the hell happened."

The small crowd cheered and it was reassuring. I wasn't sure if this would do anything to make it seem like we didn't hate each other, but I didn't care.

"That's what I've been coming to terms with the past few weeks. Now that I've had time to think about it I find myself going over everything moment by moment, trying to look for signs I might have missed. All these memories keep coming to the surface but they're ruined now, you know what I mean? Everything's stained with the ugliness of what happened. Looking back on it makes it obvious. I think I knew things were doomed from the start but it was easy to ignore that when you're pulled in by a smile." I was getting deeper than I had planned too but it felt good, cathartic. "I think he knew that, I just wish I had seen it sooner. This one is called Trouble."

It had been a while since I had played guitar for the audience, the guys started clapping to the rhythm and I watched as Kendall quietly shook the tambourine. It was almost enough to make me laugh.

"Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago, I was in your sights, you got me alone."

The first time I thought Kendall and I might have chemistry was when he came to my hotel room after our first kiss. He had come to apologize to me but once it was just the two of us the mood had shifted. I had teased him and got him to confess he was attracted to me. I had been the one to start our game. Looking back, I should have known better. The reason he had been so into our game was that his mind had always been on one thing, the bet.

"And he's long gone when he's next to me. And I realize the blame is on me."

The tempo picked up a little faster as I got to the chorus. The smile on Kendall's face was artificial and tight when he saw me staring he ducked his head.

"I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me now. Flew me to places I'd never been until you put me down."

Even now I could still envision the red and white conference room of Rocque Records. I could still feel the embarrassed and angry heat that burned my face when he had spoken. From the moment he stepped foot in the room he had been an ass. His words still buzzed in my ears.

 _"She is not coming on tour with us!"_

He had been pissed from the minute he saw me. He said I would bring bad press to the tour and that it was bad for Big Time Rush's image.

 _"She's trouble."_ He had insisted.

In the end, it turned out that _he_ was trouble. If only I had heeded his warning and not had gone on tour with them. I wouldn't be here trying to maintain a good image. I wouldn't be in the middle of another mess.

"Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground."

I tried not to think about how rough his hands had been when he shoved me or the anger in his eyes. I focused on the fans who were clapping along as the guys sang backup. Our voices blended well together and we were all enjoying it. This song wasn't as emotional as the one I sang the other night. This one was angry, I was mad at him for treating me this way and I was mad at myself for not seeing it sooner.

"A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be. And now I see he was long gone when he met me."

It had been nothing but sex to him, I was a conquest. When I was back in California, I found myself wondering if he had cared about anything I told him. I wondered if he actually had been interested in me or had his mind always been on the bet. My throat was tight as I thought of his tweet, the words were committed to memory.

 _That moment when she's bitter you just fucked her as a joke._

"And I realize the joke is on me."

It had all been a game to him. It didn't matter that he had 'fallen in love with me' as he had claimed to. It didn't matter that he said he ended the bet as soon as he felt something. What mattered was the fact that he was low enough to make it in the first place he thought so little of me that he had no problem going along with it all.

The guys took the lead on the next chorus and I found myself staring at Kendall. His fists were clenched so tight that I could see how white his knuckles were. His body was tensed and he seemed to regret joining me onstage. Over his shoulder, Gustavo seemed to feel the same. I didn't feel guilty though they should have realized sitting on stage with him wouldn't be enough to mend things. My heart was pounding painfully in my chest as I reached the bridge. I had scribbled it down when I was fading in and out of sleep after my overdose. Kendall's eyes met mine as I sang.

"And the saddest fear comes creeping in, that you never loved me or her, or anyone or anything."

This proved to be too much for Kendall. The fake smile he wore melted off his face. I held out the note as I watched him shake his head. He violently pushed off of his stool causing it to topple over. I flinched when he spiked the tambourine to the ground.

"Fuck this!"

Carlos and Logan's mics were on either side of him, close enough to broadcast his words to the crowd. I barely got the last chorus out as he stormed off stage. Gustavo was already yelling at him.

"I knew right there, I knew right then. Trouble, trouble, trouble."

The fans still cheered when the song was over, they either didn't care about Kendall or if they did they hid it. I smiled and once Kelly was there to coordinate the handing out of gift bags I was rushed offstage. I was mortified about how he had acted. It felt like the early shows, especially when he blocked my path.

"What the fuck was that?" He demanded.

"What was what?" I asked coolly.

"You never loved me or her?" He mimicked and pointed to the stage, his stool was still on its side. "That's bullshit."

All I did was shrug. "No, it's true. You didn't love Jo enough to not cheat on her. And I know damn well, you never loved me."

He gripped my arms and my stomach turned. "You know I love you, you know that!"

"You slept with me as a bet, proceeded to post my nudes, and shove me. No one I know would do that if they loved someone."

"I'm sorry about that. Don't you dare say I don't love you."

I scoffed and took a step back. "If you loved me you'd leave me alone."

Liz was waiting near my dressing room door and I started over to her.

"You never loved me? You didn't feel anything?" Kendall called out. "You wrote all those songs because you didn't have feelings for me?"

When I turned his eyebrows were raised and he stared expectantly. For a moment I couldn't speak, it was a fair question. He smirked at me and close the gap between us, he towered over me and I could smell the soap on his skin underneath the smell of weed.

"If I'm so awful why did you come back?" He asked as his lips brushed against my ear. "You feel something."

I shoved him away. "I came back for my fans. And maybe I did feel something, but now? I hate you, I loathe the sight of you." My teeth were gritted and I was shaking with rage. "You make me sick to my stomach, Kendall."

When he brought his hand to my face I flinched, the guilt was clear on his face. "I'll make this up to you."

"Don't hold your breath."

* * *

That night had been a shitshow, literally. The fans had booed him every time he sang or spoke. Even being drunk wasn't enough to take the sting out of that. Kendall was staggering when they got to the hotel, a water bottle full of vodka was in his left hand and his vape was in the other. Elle had been perfect as usual, he had missed seeing her perform. He had missed seeing her dance. He missed her smile. Not that she would smile at him anytime soon. She didn't even watch their set anymore. She was probably tucked away in her room by now. He was mad at the world, mad at his friends and that song she had sung earlier had pissed him off. She had the audacity to say that he didn't love her, of course, he did.

But then he saw Logan and was even angrier.

Every time he looked, he had his hands on Elle. Today in her dressing room he had his arm around her. His veins were full of liquid courage as the elevator doors slid shut. It was just the four of them.

"Can you do me a favor and keep your hands _off_ of my girl?"

Logan looked up from his phone and rolled his eyes. "What?"

"Elle. Stop fucking touching her, she's not yours."

"Oh and she's yours?" Carlos questioned. "I didn't realize her saying she hates you and literally telling you she loathes you meant she was yours."

Kendall stared daggers. "This doesn't involve you. I know you're jealous that _I_ got to be with her and not you. And that you're bitter she chose me but fuck off."

Logan laughed at this. "I'm not jealous of anyone, I was making sure you didn't bother her more than you have. She asked us to keep you away from her."

"She's scared of you, man." James agreed as he stepped between them. "And she's not yours."

Hearing that she was scared of him made his head hurt. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her any more than he had. He groaned and rested his head against the cool metal. Despair was gnawing at his insides again.

"I love her. I love her so much." He hiccupped a bit. "I fucked up, I know that but I need her. She's mine."

James wrinkled his nose. "She's not property and I think you did more than fuck up."

"I've written so many songs about her." He mumbled as he took a long hit. "I can't stop, she's mine, she's _mine_."

"Please don't play them." Carlos' voice was hard. "James is right, she's not yours."

He shook his head at this. "I made a mistake but I want her, she's mine you don't know her like I do."

"No, she's not." The doors slid open and Logan gave him a disgusted once over. "You're drunk, go sober up. Kelly put you on the floor after this one."

"Go have some water and try not to humiliate her and us more than you have."

His friends emptied out of the elevator and Kendall jabbed the button. "Gonna make this up to her."

* * *

I was tucked away in my hotel room and grateful to be alone. We had been here last night too and would leave first thing tomorrow. The next few days were different than usual. We had spaced out our next few stops as we made our way to the Northwest. We'd have a long haul to South Dakota, then Montana and Idaho before hitting Oregon and Washington. Then we'd turn around and head to Minnesota for a few days and then finish off in Canada. We were taking the scenic route but this gave us more time to record and polish our albums. I was glad to have the catch-up time so I could finish mine.

But for now, all I wanted was to sleep. Liz and I left the venue right after I got offstage, we had a long dinner downstairs and we worked out a game plan for the rest of the tour. I was only five songs shy of finishing the album. Luckily, Kendick had given me plenty of inspiration.

I had settled into bed, ready to forget the trainwreck that had been the past two days. But when there was a knock on the door I groaned, last night the guys and I snuck out for food. It had been fun but I was drained. I hadn't been sleeping well so I'd take any chance I could get. I shuffled over, assuming they'd get the hint when they saw my pajamas.

"Guys, Liz and I had dinner," I said opening the door. "I'm- what are you doing here?"

I was face to face with a semi-intoxicated Kendall. He was leaning against the doorframe and the smell of liquor and weed wafted from him.

"I'm sorry." He slurred. "Really, really sorry."

"Go away. Drink some water and take a shower." I reached for the handle. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

I swung it shut and made my way back to my bed. I let out a shriek when I felt his hands around my waist, I turned and hit him on the chest.

"Get off of me." I struggled against him and the panic rose in my chest. "I'll scream."

"Just listen, just listen." He looked alarmed and loosened his hold. "I'm not gonna hurt you, listen."

His hands were rough against my skin and I regretted the shorts and cropped shirt I was wearing. My mouth was dry and in the back of my mind, I thought of how Jett would get when he was drunk. His hands would wander and he didn't have half the temper Kendall did.

"No, leave!"

He stepped back and held his hands up, he swayed a little. "I won't hurt you, I want to talk."

I wanted to believe this but I refused to let my guard down. "So you break into my room?"

"You opened the door."

"I thought you were the guys."

He sighed at this. "I'll leave you alone, just listen to me."

I watched as he held onto the TV stand to steady himself, I was confident that he was drunk enough for me to be able to take him. He seemed to take this silence as permission to speak because he was rambling.

"Elle, I'm so sorry for everything. I never wanted it to be like this." He went to step towards me but had to grab onto my shoulder. "Those stupid fucking pictures, I wanted to hurt you but it was stupid."

"You did hurt me." I spat. "You made me try to kill myself."

He looked at the bandages on my arms. His voice was low as he spoke like he was ashamed to admit this to me.

"I wanted to really hurt you, I was so pissed that you posted that stuff about me and Jo."

"You did really hurt me, you shoved me."

His face was pinched with guilt. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I just, I wanted to make you regret it. But the second I saw your face I knew I fucked up. I couldn't ever hurt you, I love you."

He was incoherent and I pried at his fingers. "Well, you did a great job of hurting me so congratulations."

Kendall shook his head and nodded to my arms. His eyes had gone glassy and he groaned. "I told you to kill yourself, you did that because of me, you overdosed. I'm so, so, fucking sorry."

"Thanks for reminding how shitty you were." I deadpanned. "Can you go?"

"You thought you were pregnant. And you know what's fucked up?" He sounded embarrassed as he laughed a little. "I wasn't even mad."

He brought his hand up to rest on my stomach, feeling him touch my bare skin made me dizzy. It felt foreign to be touched by him, his hand rubbed back and forth across my middle. His other hand was dangerously tight on my hip, I was still somewhat worried about him forcing himself on me.

"I was a little excited about it." He was breathless as if his words sent a thrill through him. "You having my baby, proof that we love each other."

I wrinkled my nose at this and I briefly pictured Kendall with his hands on a swollen version of my belly. He was too drunk to notice this though because he was still wearing a dopey expression.

"Yes because us being parents would have been great. We get along so well and you definitely didn't fuck me as a bet." I was tired of indulging him and pushed his hand away. "And I don't love you and I don't want kids."

"Maybe not now but someday then." He conceded as he took a deep breath. His hand came up to cup my face. "I see a future with you. I want to spend my life with you, have a life with you."

My hand was heavy as I hit him across the face. "Fuck you."

This did nothing to stop him because he pressed on. "You were scared and alone and I'm sorry I wasn't there." His green eyes burned into mine and his mouth was stretched into that stupid smile. "I want you and I know you want to be with me too."

My eyes burned with unshed tears. "You know nothing about me."

It was true, he didn't know about what happened nearly two years ago. He didn't know the aftermath of it. He was clueless as to why it made his bet all the more horrifying. But I couldn't say anything because he seemed indignant.

"I know nothing? All these weeks I've spent getting to know you and I know nothing?"

"Nothing, you know too much if anything." I hissed and nodded to the door. "Go."

He seemed to accept my order and moved to go to the door. I folded my arms over my chest as he stumbled. It opened but he stopped and shut it, turning to face me. His face was full of grief and he stepped towards me.

"You're Eleanor Cameron Harper, you hate your name because you think it makes you sound like an old lady." He started, sucking in a breath. "You hate the heat because it reminds you of Arizona, of home. You take your tea with ice water and lots of honey, almost too much. And I still think adding cold water to a hot drink defeats the purpose but I make it for you anyways. It helps you when you're stressed or tired or worried."

"Don't do this," I begged. "G-Go."

Kendall's hand rested on my hip and he ran the other through his hair. "I know you." He insisted loudly, his voice was bright and his thumb brushed over my skin. "I know you, Len. Y-you talk in your sleep, you like it when I kiss the spot where your collar bone and neck meet."

I hastily wiped the tears that fell down my face. I didn't want to hear this, I didn't need to hear all the trivia he had pretended to care about while he was trying to fuck me as a bet. His eyes were warm and his pink lips were pressed together as he watched me cry.

"When you were a kid you wanted to be an English teacher. Your birthday is December 19th but Christmas isn't your favorite holiday. For some weird reason, you like the Fourth of July. O-Only it's not weird because it reminds you of being happy with your family. Banana is your favorite flavor of ice cream and you always come up with lyrics before the melody." Kendall's voice dropped to a low whisper. "And I know I fucked up, I know I hurt you."

My stomach was twisting into a knot and as I stared at him it was impossible not to think about us. I could still smell the salt that hung in the air as we got ice cream on the boardwalk. I could feel the damp grass underneath the blanket we had laid on as we watched fireworks in July. I remember every detail I had shared with. But when I looked at him it felt like there was a sheet of glass separating us. It was wedged between what he thought he knew and what I had never brought myself to tell him.

"I'm an idiot, I know that. I should have never made that stupid bet. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did at the beginning of the tour. And in New York, I should have been honest with Jo. I know I never should have put my hands on you or said it had been a joke." His hand was gentle as he picked up my arm. "I shouldn't have told you to do this. There's so much I shouldn't have done, so much I r-regret. That tweet, your pictures. I know that I'm crazy about you. I'm in love with you. All I think of is you. I can't sleep without you, I can't breathe without you. I am so goddamn sorry Elle."

"Sorry can't fix this." I felt dizzy and it was like my head was going to explode. "You don't know what you did."

Kendall was quiet for a moment and I thought he was going to leave, but then he spoke into my ear. "I know what I felt for you was real, I think it was real for you too. I think you still feel it too."

A sob escaped from me and I pushed him. "No! It was all a lie. You can rattle off every fact I told you o-or that you googled but you _don't_ know me! You have no idea what I've been through."

He was taken aback by my shouting. "Tell me then. I want to know everything about you. I want to fix this."

The words were there, in the back of my throat. Three small words that had only been said to a handful of people. Three words seemed too simple to sum up something so awful. The bruises on my hips and the scratches on my face. The bitter taste of the drink he had poured down my throat. His weight on top of me. The way the water burned my skin as he scrubbed me.

It was so much more than the three words that were stuck in my mouth.

"Tell me. I can tell you want too. I want to know you." Kendall urged with a soft voice and tucked my hair behind my ear. "C'mon baby, you can tell me."

But I couldn't I wasn't sure I could even tell him to leave my room. My shove was weak but he removed his hand from my face. My shoulders trembled with sobs as I hid my face and turned my back to him.

"Eleanor. I know I hurt you and I'll never forgive myself. But I love you, you don't believe me but I do. You pull me in without trying. Just tell me what I need to know, tell me how I can fix this. Please."

"Get out." I rasped.

"Tell me, tell me and I'll go. Even if it's not how I can fix this, just tell me something I don't know." Kendall pleaded, he was heckling. "Because I know everything about you. I know enough to know that I love you. But if you don't feel that way tell me. Just tell me. Tell-"

And then the words weren't stuck in my throat. They surged forward and rolled off my lips as he continued to press me. My body whirled around and I didn't recognize the sound of cracking my voice.

"Jett raped me!"

My lungs ached as I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. My shoulders heaved as I stood there gasping. Tears rolled down my burning face and it felt like the air was charged with electricity. The words hung between us and my lips buzzed from the force of expelling them.

Kendall's face visibly ashen and his mouth twitched as he tried to form a sentence. "What?"

"He raped me." It came out pitifully and my knees buckled as I sat down on my bed. "H-He hurt me."

He was still trying to process it and his brows pulled together. "What?"

It was as if a floodgate had opened because the word spilled just as fast as the tears. "He, he, put drugs in my drink. He took me into that bathroom and covered my mouth so I couldn't scream." I squeaked and my hands and gripped the sheets. "He pulled my dress up and he, he... He filmed the whole thing."

Horror bloomed on Kendall's face as he put it all together. "The bathroom? Y-you mean, the sex tape?"

"Yeah." I spat at him. "The tape you used as an excuse all summer to treat me like shit? The one you used to justify you betting on me? It's him fucking assaulting me."

"Jesus Christ." He muttered and ran his hand through his hair. "I think I'm going to be sick. W-Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't he?"

I rolled my eyes. "You never asked and he's never going to admit it. He scrubbed me clean and left me in a hotel room unconscious." Out of habit my hand when to my stomach. "And when I got pregnant he bashed my head into the wall and told me to get rid of it."

Kendall's head snapped up at this. "He scrubbed-? You were-? He made you-?"

"I t-thought he was going to drown me, and n-no I lost it." I sniffed and wiped my eyes. "I tried to kill myself."

He was crying as he crossed the room and sat next to me. "I am so fucking sorry. I-I'm sorry, fuck, I didn't know. If I did I wouldn't, I never would have..."

"But you did."

"I never wanted to hurt you. I love you."

I was quick to my feet. "Fuck you! Get out of my room and out of my life."

"Wait, no." He protested as I pulled him from the bed. "I want to talk about this."

"I don't just leave." I went to the door and pointed. "Now."

Kendall came towards me, closer and closer until I was cornered. My mouth was bone dry and when he held my arms to my sides panicked overwhelmed me.

"Don't, p-please don't." I begged frantically. "Stop."

His eyes were shut and he rested his forehead to mine. "God, I'm so sorry baby."

The alcohol was strong on his breath and his arms came up to pull me into a hug. He was crying, more than I had ever seen him. I squirmed against him, still nervous.

"Kendall!"

"I will never hurt you the way he did. I love you, I swear to god I do." He pressed his lips to my cheek. "I love you, Eleanor Cameron Harper."

"Well, I hate you, Kendall Donald Knight." I mocked coldly. "Get off of me."

He held my face steady as he leaned down to kiss me. It was nervous and shy. His lips were familiar against mine but he broke it before I could react.

"Shit, I'm sorry. For the kiss and for hurting you. I'll never forgive myself for what I did."

"You shouldn't because I know I won't. You fucking hurt me."

Kendall nodded at this and he seemed conflicted. "I would do anything for a second chance. I've never felt so guilty in my whole life. "

His hold was still tight as I was pinned in the corner. "Good."

"W-When you left and you sent that text I felt like the world stopped." He looked away as the words left his lips. He was overcome with grief. "I thought about killing myself when I lost you."

This confession was a shock to me. "What?"

He blinked a few times, his green eyes filled with tears. "I thought about buying a gun and blowing my brains out. I thought you were dead and knew that I hurt you. And that was before the Jett shit. I made a plan."

I shook my head and felt ill hearing this. "A plan?"

"To you know, end it." He looked away and sighed. "If you hadn't made it I was going to do it. I was drunk and scared all I knew was I didn't want to be without you. It was the only way to fix what I did."

He had hurt me in ways that were too unbearable to name. But looking at his bloodshot eyes and shaking lips showed me how guilty he felt. I didn't forgive him of course, but I groaned.

"I'll never forgive you but I'm glad you didn't."

This seemed to comfort him a bit. "I'm so glad you didn't either. I'm so sorry."

We were both quiet for a moment. I wiped my face and my shoulders deflated, all the tense energy that had been in the room had gone. My confession still lingered on my mind but I didn't want to discuss it anymore. Kendall seemed at a loss for words and bit his lip. He was still decently drunk and his eyes were heavy.

"Hey? Can I stay here?"

His question was so unexpected. "No, what the fuck?"

"I don't want to leave you alone or be alone really." He said. "I can't sleep without you, I wasn't joking."

I would never say it out loud but I couldn't either. I didn't love him, I wasn't sure if I even liked him after all the shit he put me through. I was still intensely and rightfully furious with him.

"Please?" He finally let go of my arms and I went to the bed. "I just want to see you."

He didn't get the hint as I crawled between the sheets. "You've seen me. Just because I told you the truth doesn't mean I like you."

He winced at this. "I figured but I've missed you so much."

I rolled onto my side and burrowed under the covers. "Goodnight."

When the bed dipped beside me I tensed. He was sitting next to me and had his hands in his face.

"I'm sorry for everything. I know it doesn't fix the pictures or the bet or hurting you but I am sorry. Jett didn't tell me anything about the tape, well not the real story. The next time I see him I swear I'll beat the shit out of him. I'll-"

I was too tired for this and against my better judgment I sat up. "Just go to sleep."

"You mean I can stay?"

"Only because I won't be responsible if you decide to off yourself or something. And because you're too drunk to find your room." I jabbed my finger at him. " _But_ if you touch me or try anything I'll scream."

His eyes were already closed. "I'm sorry Elle."

"You should be." I flicked off the lamp and nudged him to the other side of the bed.

He let out a sigh and his voice was thick with sleep. "I'll make this up to you. I promise I'll do what I can to fix this."

Instead of responding, I simply pulled the blankets closer to my chest. The adrenaline from the confrontation had disappeared just as quickly as it came. I was exhausted and drained. Besides, there was nothing he could do to fix this. He couldn't stop Jett from drugging me, filming me and putting the tape out. He couldn't turn back time and stop himself from making the bet or treating me like garbage all summer. He couldn't take back the shoving and sharing my nudes.

As his quiet and slow breathing filled the room it was clear that he could only do one thing. He could fill the empty space next to me. I hated it but I was too tired to care. For the first time in weeks, I could finally sleep.

I'd deny it if I was ever asked but I had missed this.

* * *

AN: Elle is back in full force and shared her secret with Kendall. He's struggling and is really trying to win Elle back. Do you think he has a shot and does he deserve one? My favorite scenes were the ones during and after Elle sang and when Kendall asks why she came back, the small scene with the guys in the elevator and my number one was the confession scene! The scene with him storming off stage and the confession scene have been in my head since 2014 or so, I'm glad I can finally share it! I also really enjoyed the whole hotel room scene between them, they're so broken. I live for angst. And Kendall wants a future with Elle down to the kids and the white picket fence, thoughts?

I'm hopefully going to be updating every other Thursday from here on out. The chapters are going to be much shorter than this lol.

You made it this far, you should review! Thanks and stay tuned!


	28. Chapter 28

AN: Look who updated twice in one month! Thanks for reading and sticking around. This chapter deals with the next week of tour dates and Kendall and Elle trying to navigate their way around each other. We're reaching the end of one story arc and moving into another. I hope you enjoy and please review! Thanks.

* * *

My eyes weren't gritty and there was no headache pounding at the base of my skull. For the first time in weeks, I had slept through the night. There had been no tossing or turning and I hadn't laid awake staring at my ceiling. Maybe things were finally going back to normal. That's when I felt the bed shift next to me.

I shot up and was confused when I saw Kendall's face pressed into the pillow. In my groggy state, a jolt of panic twisted inside me, thinking we had sex. But his shoes were still on as he slept on top of the covers. The night before came rushing back as my brain caught up. He had been totally drunk when he came into my room, he had begged for forgiveness and I told him about Jett. And now he was asleep in my bed. Had _I_ been drunk?

"No just a serious lapse in judgment," I told myself as I yawned. "You just needed the sleep."

And apparently so did Kendall, he slept soundly next to me. I hadn't seen him like this since before New York. He was usually smoking, his face was twisted into a scowl or he was in a foul mood. For once, he looked peaceful, like the Kendall I had grown to care for. Right now he seemed incapable of shoving me, sharing nudes or making a bet to fuck me. I knew better than to get sentimental. I made a mental note to see if I could at least get Liz to agree to give me one sleeping pill each night. I could see why she didn't want me to have a whole bottle, but surely I could just take one pill in front of her each night. There had to be a better solution than needing Kendall next to me to sleep. I was contemplating different ways to get Liz to agree when he stirred. He blinked a few times and he smiled when he saw me.

"Morning." His voice was thick with sleep.

"Hi."

He rolled onto his side and sat up. He looked around the room and down at his clothes, realization dawned on his face, the smile melted right off.

"What am I doing in here?"

"You don't remember?" Part of me was hoping he didn't, I didn't like the idea of him knowing about Jett. "You were drunk."

"What? I wasn't-" He winced and covered his eyes. "My head is killing me."

"There it is."

He rubbed at his temples for a moment and looked around the room. "Oh god, I kind of broke into your room."

"Yeah, you did. And then you refused to leave, rambled about how you knew me, confessed that you wanted to have kids, which again no thank you, and-"

"Jett." He said to himself before turning to me. "Y-You told me about Jett, that he, the tape."

My lips pressed together and I avoided his eyes. "Yeah."

His hand went to my arm. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It wasn't your fault, he's a pig. And if I had known I wouldn't have made the bet or talked to him."

"But you didn't. You saw what you wanted to and made your opinions based off a tape and not the whole story."

"I know but I'm still sorry he hurt you. God, it makes sense why you were always freaked out when you saw him." He shuddered a bit. "The hotel in New York, you had a panic attack about him. I just thought it was a bad breakup but he _hurt_ you. And the video is floating around the internet."

It was a fact of life now and my voice only trembled a little. "And the whole world thinks I'm just a slut who made a sex tape. I had to apologize for the video even though I was assaulted."

He lifted my chin so I stared at him. "You have to tell the police, I'm going to kill him."

"No, I tried to and he put out the tape." I sniffed and shook my head. "I don't want to talk about this with you."

Something occured on him and he cringed. "I held you against the wall last night and kissed you. I'm sorry, I wasn't going to-, I would never hurt you like that."

I didn't say anything, I only raised my shoulder in a half shrug. I knew that he was probably telling the truth about that. I was well rested but too tired to talk about this any further. Kendall was quiet for a long moment before stretching his hand across the bed to take mine.

"I meant what I said last night. I'm sorry and I know I fucked up but I do love you." When I glared at him he backpedaled. "But you don't have to say it back. And I know you're not interested but I would have wanted a family with you, I still do. And I'm glad you're still here and that they found you in time."

"You're right, I'm not interested. But I'm glad you didn't blow your brains out."

He gave a tight smile. "Thanks for letting me stay last night. It's the best sleep I've had since you left."

"Me too." I admitted this too quickly and sighed, "I mean Liz took my sleeping pills so I haven't really slept."

"It's the least I can do." He gave me a real smile now but rubbed his forehead. "My head is killing me."

"There's aspirin in the bathroom."

He laid back. "Thanks."

Despite myself, I laughed and shoved him. "Get it yourself."

"I guess I deserve that." He shuffled into the bathroom. "Do you need one?"

"I wasn't the one who drank a whole bottle of vodka last night. You really should cut back before you fuck up your liver."

"I'll think about it."

From where I sat in bed I could see him drying his face and fixing his hair. It was oddly comforting, there was a flash of the old Kendall in there. But we both seemed to know better because when he came back out he didn't sit down.

"Thanks for letting me crash. I'm sorry for everything but thank you for telling me about Jett. I can't take it back but I'm still going to apologize for the rest of my life."

"Good to know."

He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my cheek, he lingered for a moment and brushed his lips against mine. When he pulled back his eyes were soft.

"See ya, Elle."

And then he left, shutting the door behind him. My feelings hadn't changed, I was still hurt and would never forgive him. I didn't want to be with him but maybe he'd finally stop trying to win me back. Last night had been closure for both of us.

* * *

After that morning, Kendall had seemed to get the hint. He was still drinking, the press still pissed him off, but he had stopped trying to corner me to apologize. It was a welcome change. I had bigger things to focus on than defending myself from him. The tour was more popular than ever, the press was following each night waiting to see what would happen. The fans were louder and more energetic. And the guys were working day and night on their album. And so was I. In the week it took us to travel from stop to stop, I had recorded three songs. From the outside, things were fine.

But I was still heartbroken.

Around the guys, it was easy to hide. They were funny and kept my mind off the press that was camped outside of each venue. Interviews were still full of questions about if Kendall and I were a couple or if I'd get back with him. It was easy to brush it off by saying I wouldn't comment on it. Social media was the same.

It was in the moments that I was alone that things were unbearable.

My chest was tight as I got off stage. We were in South Dakota, the set had gone well. But I had sung Delicate, the song I wrote after Kendall and I first had sex. Now all I could think about were his hands on me, what he had done and what he knew.

I had trusted him so easily, too easily and look where it got me. I thought he had been the one but it ended up all being a lie. I wasn't surprised when I broke down on my bus. My tears were hot and fell quickly.

Montana was a sleepless blur and my head was pounding. I couldn't sleep for more than two hours at a time and I'd wake up in a cold sweat. Images of my nudes, Kendall's red and angry face as we fought, and now thoughts of him and Jett laughing together filled my dreams.

"Elle, what's going on?" Liz pulled me aside after I came out of hair and makeup. "You look upset. Did he say anything to you?"

We both glanced over at Kendall who was tuning his guitar.

"No." I shook my head. "Everything's great."

She looked like she didn't believe me but I gave a bright smile. "Are you sure?"

"Yep! It's showtime, I'll see you after the show."

"Actually, Gustavo and I want to listen to the album. I'll see you in the morning."

Even better, I wouldn't have to pretend I wasn't absolutely falling apart inside.

"Thank you, Helena!" I waved to the crowd one last time. "Goodnight!"

I ran offstage and the guys gave me hi-fives and thumbs up.

"Elle, that was awesome."

"Seriously, I see you every night and it's still amazing."

There was still adrenaline from being onstage in my veins. "Thanks!"

"We're probably going out after the show. Do you want to come?" Logan asked.

I twisted the lid off my water bottle. "No thanks, I have a new song idea. See you tomorrow, break a leg."

They went back to planning their night out after saying goodnight. I was already walking towards the back doors of the venue, my energy was waning. I performed Trouble tonight, the song that made Kendall storm off stage during soundcheck a few days ago. The words were on a loop in my head.

 _The joke is on me._

Because that's what it had been, a joke. Panic was already blooming in my chest as I handed my mic to a roadie. I jumped when I crashed into someone while rounding the corner.

"Are you okay?"

Kendall was dressed in his stage clothes. "Fine, goodnight."

"Hey, wait. What's wrong, Elle?"

"Nothing." My answer was short. "Why?"

"You seem out of it."

I clenched my fists. "Leave me alone."

This startled him and I took my chance to escape. Once I was alone on my bus I couldn't stop from shaking.

"It was a joke." I sobbed to myself. "It was a stupid fucking joke."

Idaho was a blackout I couldn't remember it if my life depended on it. Sleep was getting harder and harder to come by. But the songs were flowing out of me, I had completed three songs. They were ready for the album. There were two songs to go and one was already written. I was proud of the work I was doing but my eyes were gritty.

"Elle, are you feeling okay?"

I tore myself away from the lyrics I was writing. "What?"

"You seem out of it." Gustavo pointed to my face. "You look sick."

"Just tired," I answered through a yawn. "I didn't get much sleep."

Liz seemed concerned about this. "We were on the road for 9 hours yesterday, you didn't get any sleep?"

"No, no, I did. But you know how tours are."

Four hours of restless sleep probably didn't count but they didn't need to know that.

"I'll see about getting you a prescription for sleeping pills."

Thank god, it was about time. Hopefully, I'd be able to sleep through the night again soon.

Even though I couldn't drink or take sleeping pills, for the time being, Liz was kind enough to still let me smoke. I found myself outside the studio bus, the smoke worked it's way into my lungs and I felt the tension ease. I leaned my head against the bus and shut my eyes, trying to savor the moment. Despite how I seemed to be struggling all of a sudden I was really enjoying the tour. The sun was warm on my face and I was alive, that had to count for something.

"Oh, sorry. I can go."

I opened one eye to see Kendall holding a pack of cigarettes and his lighter.

"Do what you want." My words were bitter as a cloud of smoke curled from my lips. "As long as it's not a bet."

He didn't say anything to this and quietly lit his cigarette. We stood in silence for a while and I tried to think of the last time we had smoked. I was pretty sure it had been in New York. He and Jo had been assholes all day and he had tried to explain himself to me. We hadn't been alone since that night in my room a few days ago.

"You've been busy, barely seen you."

"I thought it was pretty clear I was doing it on purpose."

He scratched at the stubble on his face. "How are you, you seem tired?"

"We don't have to do this, make small talk like we care."

"But I do."

I stubbed out my cigarette and made my way to the door. I settled on the couch and groaned when he followed me inside. He sat on the one opposite of me. The atmosphere was tense. It seemed like a lifetime ago that we had been together on the couch he was sitting on.

"How's the album going?"

"I'm almost done."

He looked around the studio bus and exhaled. "I'm sure it'll be great."

"Yeah, thanks."

"So, I can go or whatever. I'll leave you alone."

"I don't care where you go or what you do." I met his gaze and sneered. "As much as I hate you, it's your studio too."

An embarrassed flush stained his face. "Are you feeling any better?"

He didn't get the hint that I didn't want to talk. "The initial shock of being betrayed has worn off but I'm still hurt."

"I'm sorry."

I climbed to my feet and rubbed my arms. "You should be."

The air was on full blast to keep the equipment cool. I walked to the back of the bus and put on the sweatshirt I had left here last night. I was absolutely exhausted and Kendall's questions didn't help. I was disappointed that he was still sitting there when I got back. A small smile pulled at his face when I sat down.

"I really am sorry."

"Sure, whatever you say." I wanted to leave it at that but the words came out anyway. "Why did you do it? Was it all a joke?"

He shook his head. "Of course not. I mean, it started out that way, but I really did fall for you. I told Jett every time he asked how it was going that I wasn't playing along anymore. That's why you'd see us fighting. If I had known what he did to you I wouldn't have made the bet."

"So you went from hating me and wanting to fuck me as a bet to liking me so much you dropped it?" I asked dubiously. "That seems fake."

Kendall shrugged. "I think I realized I felt something for you early on. It was when you and the guys were playing that game. You had danced onstage and then you were making out on the bus. I thought it was disgust I felt but I was jealous. Los came out and asked for condoms, I-I thought he was going to sleep with you and I was so jealous and it freaked me out. And then I saw the videos and saw them kissing you, touching you and I all I could think about was what it'd be like to kiss you."

I thought of the interview after the little party we had. He had implied I had a disease and had to re-record his answer. I had overheard him tell the guys he thought I was hot.

"And then we got into the fight backstage, you had burst into the dressing room." A faint smile twitched at his lips as he spoke. "You were yelling at me and I couldn't handle it anymore so I kissed you. It felt right but I was confused. I wasn't supposed to like you. And then we started our own game and it was too late to fight any feelings I had because I was into you."

After all this time I could still feel the kiss against my lips and taste the mint on his breath. "That was a long time ago."

"I know, but I still think about it. I think about our kiss the other day. When I woke up in your bed, it felt like I was home."

"That doesn't count."

He frowned. "You kissed me back."

"It was a reflex, that's all. I let you sleep in my bed because you were too drunk to find your room." I picked at my nails and avoided his eye. "And I wasn't going to let a perfectly good apology go to waste."

"You laughed."

"I can loathe the sight of you and think you're scum and still laugh."

This seemed to offend him because he didn't say anything. I went back to trying to write the lyrics for my song. We had gotten just a little too deep for me to be comfortable. A few minutes had passed and he finally spoke.

"Hey, you're wearing my sweatshirt."

I looked down and grimaced, I was. In my sleep-deprived state, I had pulled on the dark green Wilds hoodie. Of course, he'd see a deeper meaning in it.

"I was cold, it's just a sweatshirt."

He scooted to the edge of his couch. "Remember when I gave it to you? We were watching movies and you were cold, you fell asleep on my shoulder." His voice dripped with fondness. "Where were we? Indianapolis?"

"Cleveland." I corrected without thinking.

"Oh, well it looks good on you." He offered with a smile. "Always has. It actually reminds me of this song-"

"Stop." His compliment got under my skin so I pulled it off and tossed it. "I'm busy and it's not that deep."

He finally seemed to get the hint that I didn't want him around. He stood from the couch and squeezed my shoulder. When my eyes met his, he looked sad.

"I know I hurt you and I'm sorry, truly. I know you owe me absolutely nothing, but watch our set tonight." He pleaded with me. "Please, Elle? It would mean the world to me."

"I'll think about it."

* * *

When showtime rolled around a few hours later I was asleep on my feet. I pounded back cup of tea after cup of tea, it did little to wake me. I jumped when Gustavo tapped me.

"Sorry, are you okay?"

"Tired," I answered weakly. "What's up?"

"Just checking if you wanted to still sing the new song?

Since I had come back the slot when Kendall and I used to sing had been awkward to fill. Sometimes I'd sing an older song for a throwback, I'd do a cover and occasionally the guys and I would sing Trouble as we had in Montana.

"Sure, it's the last new song before the album comes out."

He nodded. "Good, it'll be great."

I thanked him through a yawn and Liz straightened a stray piece of hair. "He's not keeping you up working is he?"

"No. I just can't sleep, how's the prescription coming?"

"I'll set up an appointment before we head to Canada. But get excited, the album is almost done."

Even though my head was pounding I grinned. It was true, I approved the final packaging after Kendall had left the bus. By this time next week, it would be hitting the shelves all around the world.

"I never thought this day would come."

Liz hugged me. "I'm proud of you, go knock them dead."

Once I was onstage any fatigue I had felt was gone, replaced by excitement and gratitude.

"Portland, how are we feeling tonight?" The arena filled with cheers and I laughed into the mic. "Welcome to the Count Me In Tour."

The fans were energetic and screamed every lyric right back to me. One of my favorite things about performing was that each person sang the same words you did but had attached their own meaning to them. I had missed Portland on my last tour due to a scheduling conflict so it was nice to be back.

"Everybody take it off!" I finished the song and wiped my face with a towel. "You guys are making up for the lost time aren't you? It's good to be back in the city."

I read a few signs while the crew brought out a stool for me to sit on. Most of them were really supportive or funny. Fans' signs were always cool to see, they ranged from asking for a follow on Twitter to saying I saved them. This was a summer tour, but during the rest of the year, my favorites were ones that said they skipped school to be at the show.

 _Get Back With Kendall!_

That one sign made me frown a bit. I hadn't mentioned him onstage since the soundcheck in Green Bay but fans were still curious about what happened. I took a seat on the stool and adjusted the mic to my height.

"How about we slow it down? This is the last new song before my album comes out next week."

They seemed enthusiastic and I took it as a good sign. Off to the right, I saw Kendall lingering by the side of the stage. He always watched my set and I was glad he'd hear the new song. It was just me and an electric guitar, it was really stripped and I liked it.

"I still see your shadows in my room, can't take back all that I gave you." I started off slow, singing a new song always made me nervous. "I was listening to my heart instead of my head."

No matter how hard I tried, I saw him everywhere. Literally and figuratively. When I'd finally manage to drift off to sleep in my bunk I'd think of the nights Kendall and I had spent on the bus. I had given him so much of myself only to get played in return.

As I sang I took the chance to look around the stage. I was so tired and my head still throbbed, seeing Kendall watching me made it worse. A lump was forming in my throat.

"I have these lucid dreams where I can't move a thing, thinking of you in my bed."

I wasn't just dreaming of Kendall, I was dreaming about Jett, how they had both taken what they wanted from me like I meant nothing. And worst of all, I dreamt of Kendall in my bed, how he used to make me come apart with one touch. We had hooked up night after night, each time better than the last only for it to end so suddenly. And in the worse way, I choked a little as I reached the next line.

"You were my everything, now I'm just better off dead."

Being tired always made me over emotional and right now was no exception. Kendall frowned at me as he watched, his green eyes were filled with worry. My face was hot and my eyes stung with tears.

"I was tangled up in your drastic ways." My voice cracked as I glanced over at him. "Who knew evil boys had the prettiest face?"

When we had first got together I could have never imagined he was up to something so terrible. He had always been so caring and affectionate when we were together. And even now as I stared at him through glassy eyes he was attractive. But beneath his blonde hair, bright eyes and smile something dark had always been lurking. I was quick to wipe at a tear that fell down my face.

"You made my heart break, you made my heart b-break." The words were strained and a small sob echoed into the mic. "You made my heart break again."

The fans gave encouraging cheers and applause as I repeated myself a few times. I was so tired and not just because I hadn't been sleeping. I was tired of always being hurt. First Jett and now this. It seemed like I was always picking up pieces of myself and trying to glue them back together.

"He made my heart break, he made my heart break," I sniffed and shook my head. "He made my heart break again."

* * *

Kendall tried to speak to me after the set, but I wanted nothing to do with him. I pushed past him into my dressing room and changed out of my clothes. When my phone buzzed, I nearly threw it across the room.

 _I'm sorry I hurt you... just please watch our set, please?_

And just like every other choice I had made this summer, this one was also bad. I found myself watching the whole show by the side of the stage. I had missed seeing my friends perform. Their new music was the best they had ever put out and they were proud of their more mature side. But Gustavo was still letting them take turns doing solo songs. So when Kendall adjusted the guitar strap on his shoulder I vaguely wished my overdose had worked.

The fans had the same idea because they booed loudly. It clearly hurt his feelings because I knew him well enough to see the frown he was fighting. He cleared his throat and leaned into the microphone.

"So, I know there's been drama between my tourmate and I. I know what I did was awful, but I'm sorry and have been trying to make things right." He turned his head so he was looking right at me. "I'm sorry and I want to fix things between us. All summer I have written song after song and I didn't even realize they were all about Elle."

When my name left his lips, the crowd booed even louder than they already had. I noticed that they weren't just my fans, his own were shouting at him too. He took the guitar pick between his fingers.

"Do you want us to stop him?" Liz asked as she came up behind me.

"No, it's his funeral."

Onstage, Kendall was playing a quiet interlude. "I know you think love songs are cheesy, you said your wedding dress won't be in white. You're not one to make things easy and when you're wrong you still know that you're right."

His voice was timid at first as the fans jeered at him. My stomach was spinning anxiously and he glimpsed over at me and his face was a bit red.

"I'm not the type you fall for but this trip as taken us so far. I never thought we'd be together but look at where we are."

In the back of my mind, I wondered when he had written this song because we certainly weren't together. The road to us finally ending up together had been long but the aftermath of the bet was even longer. The Kendall I fell for at the start of the tour was long gone. He launched into the chorus and he ignored the people shouting at him.

"We just don't make sense, we don't work on paper. We're so not right, but that's what makes you mine." He flashed me a grin, speaking only to me. "That's what makes you mine."

Without meaning to a sneer curled at my lips. He was right, we didn't work on paper or off it. But he was also sorely mistaken because I wasn't his and never would be.

"You only go to indie movies and you hate it when the story turns out right. You make a scene whenever you want to, it's no surprise when they all stop and stare. You never care what people say about you." He held up his middle finger and laughed a little to himself. "All they get is a finger in the air."

He circled back to the refrain and it clicked in my mind. I knew exactly when he must have written this. It had been early in the tour. James had forced us to watch a shitty rom-com, I had declared my hatred for them and love songs. There had been a wedding dress and I mentioned how I hated predictable movies. It had been the same day he had stood up for me. Some asshole dad had yelled at me for being a bad influence, he had got in my face and Kendall jumped between us without thinking. Everyone in the restaurant at watched us.

It had been the same day he gave me the stupid sweatshirt that was tucked away on the studio bus. We had fallen asleep leaning on each other, it had been the first time I felt something for him. I blocked out the memory and blinked a few times to stop my eyes from watering. It was just from being sleep deprived, not because of the song. Or that's what I told myself.

Kendall turned so his body was facing me. His eyes were soft and warm as he held my gaze, he ignored the hundreds of thousands of fans.

"It all seems so improbable, I never would have thought that you're the one for me." He shook his head and smiled. "The definition of impossible and I'm never gonna let you go."

I ducked my head, my throat was tight. He repeated the chorus a few times and his words echoed in my brain.

"That's what makes you mine."

Mine, mine, mine.

I had only been his tourmate, his conquest. I had never been his girl. That had all been a lie. And for him to try to convince me otherwise by singing a song made me sick. When I looked up he had finished the song and was waiting for my reaction. But I couldn't react, I was numb.

The show was nearly over after that. Gustavo had apologized about the song but I was too irritated to be mad at him. There were bigger fish to fry. I had some time to stew in my anger and disgust over the song. Had it been by anyone else I would have liked it, but I was tired of it all. When he finally came offstage and we were alone, I blurted out the first words that came to mind.

"What the fuck was that?"

He seemed surprised, this wasn't the response he had hoped for. "It's a song, about you, about us."

My arms were folded tight over my chest. "About us? You wrote a song about a fake relationship?"

"No, Elle. You know it was real to me, I wrote a song about the girl I fell for. I didn't even realize it was about you when I first started writing it. It was the day on the bus, we watched a movie." He stepped closer to me and rested his hand on my shoulder. "I know you remember that day. We fell asleep, I stood up for you and you kissed me, just like this."

His lips brushed against my cheek. "Kendall, no."

The way I recoiled must have got under his skin because he bit his lip. "Well I do, and I knew I was in deep. I know I made a mistake but it wasn't a fake relationship. I wanted to be with you. I still do and I always will."

"I don't believe you."

He held onto my shoulders and he stared down at me. "I have written so many songs about you. Every lyric is about you. You're all I think about."

Despite my best efforts tears fell from my eyes and I shook my head. "I don't know, Kendall. I don't believe you."

The sight of my tears made him cringe, his green eyes were full of guilt. He was quiet for a moment and he cautiously reached up to wipe at my tears. He pressed his hand to my cheek.

"I know you don't trust me. But I really think you're the one for me. I love you so much."

And suddenly, that was too much for me. "No, you don't! You don't love me and I certainly don't love you."

My outburst was a shock to him because he jumped. "Elle, come on."

"No! You said it yourself, we don't make sense and we don't work. Maybe we would have but I don't trust you a-anymore." I ran a hand through my hair and my voice was shaking. The words spilled out of me. "And I'm not yours, you don't get to call me that. You need to get it through your impossibly thick skull that you hurt me. No amount of following me around or breaking into my hotel room to apologize is enough to fix things. A song isn't going to fix this. You almost _ruined_ me, you made me want to die. You almost fucked up my comeback. And you know what's even worse? You broke my heart, you took what little trust I had and destroyed it."

I was shouting now and streaks of mascara stained my face. Kendall looked like he wanted to speak but I still had plenty to say. It was my turn for him to listen.

"And the fact that you think you can write a song or play the sympathy card to win me back is disgusting. It's not that easy!"

He finally had enough because he let out a frustrated groan. "I don't want it to be easy then! I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to make things right between us. I don't want it to be easy, I want you to make it hard. I want to prove to you that I'm sorry and that I love you. Because I do, I love you so damn much."

"If you loved me, if you really loved me like you say you do, you'd know to back off," I said carefully and pointed at him. "Because I don't, just leave me alone."

It was true. There was nothing he could do to fix this. Even if I still wanted to be with him I couldn't trust him. The hurt was clear on Kendall's face because he grabbed my waist as I tried to walk away.

"I'm never going to stop being sorry for what I did. But I'm not going to apologize for how I feel." His voice was low as he pressed his lips to my ear. "I love you so much and you'll see that. I know you'll see that we are meant to be together."

My hands were shaking as I shoved him off of me. I wanted him out of my face and out of my life, my words were loaded with disdain.

"Don't hold your breath."

* * *

AN: Elle's having trouble sleeping and it looks like Kendall isn't giving up anytime soon. The next chapter will be exciting for both Elle and BTR with a pinch of drama. This was a bit of a filler but it was needed to set things up going forward. I think my favorite part of this update was the scene on the studio bus when Kendall and Elle we're reminiscing. The next update will be less disjointed than this one. What was your favorite part?

Thanks for reading and please drop a review. See you soon!


	29. Chapter 29

AN: Happy update day! Thanks for the feedback last time and for helping me finally break 50 reviews. This chapter covers Elle's album release and is one of my favorites so far. There's about a month left of tour at this point fyi. I hope you enjoy and please review. Thanks!

* * *

Seattle had been rainy and overcast for the day we had been here. The Space Needle dominated the skyline and I felt like I had walked straight into the world of Grey's Anatomy. Or Sleepless in Seattle given the fact I still couldn't sleep, but the weather did little to dampen my spirits. Even though I was still struggling with my broken heart and insomnia the guys made it hard to be in a sour mood. That and the fact that we were just a few hours away from the midnight release of my album.

"Come on, don't be shy." James quipped as he dragged me alongside him. "Seattle, look who it is!"

The crowd cheered as I walked onto the stage and greeted the guys. I had been watching their performance when James ran offstage and grabbed me by the hand. It was the very end of their set and they only had one song to go, I was confused, to say the least.

"Does anyone want to give me a hint about what's happening?"

Carlos waved off my question and spoke into his mic. "As you may know, our incredible friend Elle has been working her ass off all summer."

"And you may also know, she's incredibly talented and a badass," James added on. "She's amazing."

"Just like her album which comes out tomorrow!" Logan made his way across the stage and wrapped his arm around my waist. "We just wanted to take a second to tell you we're all so proud of you. Aren't we proud of this girl, Seattle?"

The cheering and applause were even louder than it had been when I walked onstage. My smile was wide and my throat was tight. My friendship with the three of them meant the world to me.

"Guys, stop." I blinked and fanned my hand in front of my eyes. "You're making me cry."

Logan scoffed at this and jokingly wiped his hand across my cheeks. "Don't cry. We're proud of you."

I gave him a hug and his friends when they joined us. For a brief moment, it felt like the night we had sung _Windows_ _Down_. But when I looked across the stage, Kendall was sad instead of annoyed. I pretended not to see it and frankly, I didn't care.

"Thank you." I leaned into James' mic. "And thank you guys for always sticking by me."

"So, what are you guys going to do tomorrow?" Carlos asked. "You're going to buy and stream _It's Kind of a Long Story,_ right?"

"And you're going to tweet about it, right?" James followed.

"And you're going to tell Elle how much you love it, right?" Logan finished with a grin. "She's worked so hard."

The arena burst into cheers and chanted my name as I waved. I ended up titling the album _It's Kind of a Long Story_ because the road to putting out this record had been long. From Jett to Kendall and everything in between I never thought I'd get to this place.

"Thank you guys, thank you so much." I sniffed loudly. "I hope you love it as much as I do."

* * *

I ended up sticking around to sing _Big Time Rush_ with the guys and it had been fun. It reminded me of the start of the tour when things were easier. And just like the beginning of the tour, we were having a 'social gathering' according to them. The guys had managed to convince Liz that I could drink and that they'd take care of me. We were on my bus, that way Kendall couldn't crash our little party. So I found myself in the back lounge and the music was pounding.

"To Elle!" James declared as he raised his beer in a toast. "And her album which is going to fuck up the charts!"

"Elle!" Logan and Carlos agreed.

We all tossed back shots and I shrieked as we looked at the countdown on my Instagram. There were ten seconds to midnight and it'd be official, my album would be online and in stores. The world would be able to hear the songs I had poured my heart into. My stomach was a bundle of nerves and the guys all had a hand on my back.

"Ten, nine, eight!" We counted down at the top of our voices. It felt like New Year's Eve. "Seven, six, five, four!"

"Oh god, oh god, oh god." I was rocking on the balls of my feet and clutching Carlos' shoulder tight. "Here it comes."

"Three! Two! One!"

The countdown hit zero and the bus went wild. We were all shouting and clinking cups, I was reduced to tears. I was overwhelmed with relief and with pride. I really thought this day would never come. I thought that I'd either have zero fans or be dead, I honestly had. But I was surrounded by my friends and I was so happy I could cry, so I did.

"Happy album release day!" James hugged me and held up a bottle of champagne. "It's time for the good shit."

Carlos was supplying with tissues and rubbing my back. "Congratulations, I'm really excited for you."

"Thank you, Los." I wiped my cheeks and shuddered. "God, it's here."

"Yep, and they're going to love it. You've worked your ass off and it's going to show." Logan said wisely as he blew a puff of smoke. "Here, hit this, you'll feel better."

The bong was heavy in my hands and I tutted. "Liz thinks I'm just drinking, not hitting a bong."

Logan rolled his eyes and took a large hit and placed his lips firmly to mine. He exhaled the smoke and it filled my lungs in the way cigarettes couldn't. When he pulled back he had a smirk on his face.

"What was that?"

"Well, technically you didn't hit the bong. We just kissed and it just so happened to fill your lungs." He shrugged and leaned against the couch. "Was that okay?"

I laughed and pushed him. "At least I'll be able to tell her the truth."

"Leave it to Logan to find a loophole so he could kiss you," Carlos grumbled next to us. "We can't all be geniuses."

There was a scoff from the doorway and James had returned with a now open bottle of champagne. "Wait, are we making out again?"

"No you idiots, I shotgunned with Logan that's all." I finished off my vodka and held out my cup. "Fill it up."

We toasted with champagne and I watched as the guys passed the bong around. I didn't partake other than the first hit, I was content to drink. It was obvious that Logan wanted to shotgun again but I casually ignored it. I wasn't scared to have sex like I had been after the Jett Incident, but something about hooking up on the same tour your ex was currently on seemed messy. I did, however, appreciate the fact that the last pair of lips on mine were no longer Kendick's.

The music was pounding and I could feel the vibrations in my chest. The guys and I danced together for a while, feeling hands that weren't his on my skin was a welcome change. James' hands were softer than his, Carlos didn't smell like mint he smelled like cinnamon, and Logan's eyes were a warm shade of dark brown instead of green. And the three of them made me feel a lot safer than their friend ever had.

"Guys l-look! It's trending." I hiccupped as I waved my phone at them. "People like it."

# _ItsKindofaLongStory_ and # _Elle_ were the top two worldwide trends. So far the feedback had been positive and fans were liking the album, my tears started all over again.

"I did it! They like it."

"Of course, they do. It's a great album."

I was drunk and emotional so I pulled them into a group hug. "Thank you for always being so nice to me guys. I-I mean it, you, you never treated me like a whore or tried to fuck me as a bet, and you're all so fucking n-nice. So nice and not scummy." My voice was high pitched and I swayed a bit. "You're g-good people, so fucking good."

Carlos laughed and nodded as he took my cup. "I think you've had enough."

He was probably right, my head was spinning. I hadn't been drunk since I was back in L.A. and my tolerance was low. We had finished the bottle of champagne, I had at least half a bottle's worth of vodka and some of Carlos' beer. I had come back from the bathroom and put on a shirt. I was still laughing and grinning at my phone when I climbed on to the couch.

James was the soberest of us all. "Do you want to sleep in your bunk?

"No, I'm too drunk to climb up." I rolled my eyes and took the water he was holding out. "M'fine here."

Carlos patted my arm before stumbling out. "Night, Elle, proud of you."

I waved limply and stretched out. "Someone stay. Can't sleep when I'm alone."

"I'll stay."

"Thanks."

My eyes were heavy as a blanket was placed over me. The music was shut off but it still buzzed in my ears, the night had been fun. I had let loose in a way I hadn't in a while. Being with my friends on such an important night meant the world to me. I was completely and foolishly happy as I fell asleep.

* * *

The sun was painfully bright as it filtered in through the windows. I winced and without opening my eyes, I buried my face deeper into the pillow next to me. An arm tightened around my waist and someone cleared his throat.

"Shh, my head."

"Wasn't me, it was James."

I recognized the first voice as Carlos' and I squinted around the room. James was sleeping on the other small section of the couch, Logan was stretched out next to me and Carlos was on the floor. Rubbing my eyes, I sat up and yawned. I was definitely hungover and my mouth was dry.

"Morning," I muttered. "Logan, move."

He moved his arm from my waist and I staggered to my feet. My only focus was finding the tallest glass of water I could get my hands on. I went out to the kitchen area and pulled open the fridge. I chugged the bottle and leaned my head against the cool cabinet.

"Save some for the rest of us."

I turned and saw Logan rubbing his eyes. His hair hung limply in his face and he reached around me for a bottle of his own. The only sound for a moment was the crunching of the plastic as he downed the water. We both winced at the sound and he laughed a little.

"Sorry." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I haven't been that fucked up in a while."

"Me either, the last time I was drunk was when I got back to LA."

The fact that I had tried to kill myself that day wasn't lost on either of us. I would have laughed it off but I was too hungover to bring myself to even smile. Logan simply placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, I'm glad you're alright. I would have hated if anything happened to you." His said earnestly and he cleared his throat. "You're one of my best friends."

"So are you, thank you. Oh and thanks for the shotgun last night." I shielded my eyes from the harsh lights of the bus. "I'm almost regretting drinking instead of smoking, there'd be less of a headache. We should have convinced Liz to let me smoke instead."

He was rummaging through the cabinets for breakfast. "You know if you ever want to shotgun I'm down. Or you know, leave the weed of out the equation entirely."

I crushed my empty bottle and threw it at him. "Nice try, you just want to make out."

"I can't confirm or deny that." He avoided my eyes as he poured cereal into a bowl. "We hear what we want to hear. But I'm not saying you're wrong."

Logan was obviously attractive and he had the same dry sense of humor I did. I'm sure we'd get along pretty well and I knew for a fact that he was a lot sweeter than Kendall. And it had crossed my mind that none of this would have happened if I dated a different member of the band. But after Jett and Kendall, I knew I wouldn't be interested in anyone for a long time.

"Well, I don't know about shotgunning. But maybe I should start smoking more, I'd finally be able to sleep." I rubbed my hand over my face and yawned. "Liz needs to get my prescription sorted out."

"Liz needs to what?"

I turned and saw my manager walking onto the bus. "I need to sleep again."

"Later." She waved off my comment as Carlos and James joined us. "Have you checked your phone?"

"No, why?"

Liz's smile was wide as she handed me hers. I nearly dropped it and a grin pulled at my face. It took me a few reads to come to terms with it but when it hit me, I started crying.

"What is it?"

I tried to speak but the words got lost in my sobs and laughter. "Oh my god."

" _It's Kind of a Long Story_ is number one on Billboard, Spotify, Apple Music, and it's selling out in stores," Liz explained, the pride was evident in her voice. "And fans online are loving it as well as critics."

Hearing it aloud made me dizzy and I had to hold on to her arm to stay upright. Tears ran down my face and for the first time in a long time, they were tears of joy. After all the hard work I put into making this album it had paid off. The guys engulfed me in a tight group hug as they cheered. We stayed like this for a moment and I caught my breath.

"This isn't real." I kept shaking my head as I read the messages that were flooding my phone. "Oh my god."

But it was.

 _EverythingisElle: #ItsKindofaLongStory is the best album of our generation._

 _ElleHarperUpdates: Elle's album came out last night! Make sure you buy it AND stream it. Proud of you ElleHarper_

 _BigTimeElle: I'm crying every song is amazing. She did THAT!_

Those were just a handful of tweets, they were coming in so fast and in so many languages it was hard to keep up. But there lots of heart and crying emojis and I was still the number one trend. And that was just Twitter, my texts were blowing up too. Lucy Stone had sent me her congratulations, my label, and so many celebrities, I was starstruck.

"You did this, we're all so proud."

"Thank you." I took the tissue Carlos held out and wiped my face. "Can we go buy a copy?"

"That's the tradition," Liz said as she handed me a paper cup full of tea. "Get dressed and we can head over."

James looked confused. "What's the tradition?"

My smile was wide. "Just wait."

* * *

When I released my first album Liz and I started a tradition of going to the nearest store and buying a copy. Over the years it had become my thing, no matter where I was in the world I went to see my hard work in person. The fans were always surprised when they saw me browsing the CDs. I never did any interviews the day an album came out, I let the music speak for itself. Today was no different and I found myself in a Target somewhere outside of Spokane. The guys had joined in too.

"Guys look!" My voice was loud and giddy as I raced towards the display. "It's here."

On the shelf was my CD. I picked it up and ran my hand over the packaging and looked at my picture. It never got old seeing the physical proof of your hard work. We had shot the cover photo while we had been back east, before I left. It was bittersweet, the Elle in these photos had no idea of what was coming.

"Elle?"

Behind me was a small group of fans who were all shocked to see me. I waved excitedly and stepped out of the way so they could grab their own copies.

"Oh my god, I streamed it last night and cried the whole time." One girl exclaimed as she held up her phone with shaking hands. "Can I please get a picture?"

I put an arm around her waist and smiled. "Thank you so much for listening to it."

"Elle, it's you!" Another girl was crying real tears. "I love you so much."

We hugged for a long moment. "I love you too!"

I posed for pictures and signed a couple copies of the album. The guys got in on it too and talked with the small group of fans that assembled. I was in the middle of singing a CD for a girl who was speaking so quickly my head spun.

" _Colors_ is _so_ good. Ooh and _Delicate_ and _Night Like This_." She was gushing. "My friends are never going to believe I met you. We tried to get tickets but they sold out."

Hearing this was exciting because there was another tradition I liked to do when an album came out. "You see that woman over there? That's my manager Liz and she is going to get you all into tonight's show as a thank you for buying the album."

She looked like she was going to fall over as she thanked me. My heart was full and fit to burst, seeing the fans' excitement made everything worth it. When my first album came out, I gave anyone who seemed slightly interested in the album a ticket to that night's show. I had been trying to fill seats. But over time it became a secret gift to the fans who bought a physical CD. After all, they could stream it for free but chose to spend _their_ money on something _I_ made.

"I think that's everyone." Liz put away the list of fans' names and numbers who had tickets. "We should check out."

The guys and I grabbed our own copies and headed for the checkout. On our way to the front of the store, we handed out a few more tickets to fans. And once we were in line the guys had a chance to talk to me.

"That's really sweet that you do that." Carlos was scanning his CD. "You give out tickets to fans who happen to be at the store."

I shrugged. "They do so much for me and it's so easy to stream an album. Liz and I do it for every record."

"That's awesome." James insisted as we climbed into our SUV.

"The fans are awesome, they stuck with me through all my drama. It's the least I can do."

* * *

Back at the venue, they guys' hangovers had fully kicked in and they went to their bus to sleep for a while. They had the right idea so I went back to mine and found a large bouquet of flowers from my label on the table. It was a sweet gesture. Liz was inside the arena, going over some stuff for the night's show. I climbed in my bunk but I ended up glued to my phone instead of napping. I was liking tweets and thanking fans. I just so happen to see the picture a fan and I had just taken. I was in the middle of replying to her when my phone buzzed. And for some reason, I answered.

"Hello?" I was cautious.

"Congratulations, Len."

The sound of his voice made me scowl. "What do you want Jett?"

"I listened to the album and it's really good. The songs about me are good." He then chuckled a little. "I guess that bet and video of us aren't so bad after all. Plenty of inspiration."

The way he joked about the two worst things in my life made me angry. "You're disgusting."

"We should celebrate." He ignored my frustration. "Remember when the last album came out?"

Unfortunately, I did. He took me to a rooftop restaurant, bought me expensive jewelry and flowers. The pre-Jett Incident me thought it was romantic but now it made me sick.

"I'd rather eat glass."

"Don't be a bitch. I'm trying to be nice, I said the album's good." He didn't miss a beat. "I mean there aren't as many songs about me as I had hoped for but-"

"Lose my number."

With that, I hung up and rolled out of bed. I wasn't going to let that weird exchange get me down. I finished replying to that fan and joined Liz in the kitchen area of the bus. The TV was on and I stopped when I heard my name.

"Elle Harper's newest album _It's Kind of a Long Story_ continues to be the top story here at Backstage Access. The album is getting rave reviews from fans and critics, it's breaking records and already has close to a million streams in the 12 hours it's been out."

"That's fucking insane." I shook my head and rested my chin in my hand. "I just can't believe it's finally here. I didn't think this day would come."

"Me either," Liz said candidly as she muted the TV. "I mean I knew you had the skill and the fans. But between the boy troubles and the hiatuses, I was worried you would give up. I'm really proud of you Elle, honestly."

This was more than Liz usually talked about the past. "Well, I wouldn't be here if you hadn't worked out this deal. I remember being pissed about touring with Big Time Rush, but I'm actually glad I did. Thank you."

We hugged as her phone chimed. I was reading the card on the flowers the label sent to me when she groaned. "What?"

"Are you sure you're still happy to tour with them?"

"Yeah, why?"

She handed it to me and I instantly rolled my eyes. Kendall had tweeted, he was holding my album. I could tell it was him from the tattoo on his wrist, I tried not to notice the black and white string bracelet he wore. I had bought it for him.

 _Proud of you._

There was a heart emoji after it. It was a stark departure from the tweet he posted about me in New York. Fans were replying to it, telling him to leave me alone and stop being desperate. I handed her phone back.

"I know he took an Uber when we got back. Kelly and I assumed he was going to buy more cigarettes. We can have him delete it."

"Don't," I answered quickly. "This is my day and he won't ruin it. He can do what he wants. I don't care."

* * *

Kendall was speechless as he sat in his dressing room. His headphones were still on even though the music had ended minutes ago. He had listened to Elle's album for the first time and was honestly at a loss for words. It told the story of the summer, the story of them. It started with songs about Jett, then to songs about a crush, to songs about being in love, to songs about heartbreak. He had known he had fucked up since the moment he told her to do everyone a favor. But hearing her songs was another reminder.

How had they gone from _Delicate_ to _Fix_ _a_ _Heart_?

He could still feel prickly heat in his cheeks from the first time she had sung _Crush_. He had tried to deny his feelings for her but she was too smart to not see them. The memory of her grinding to _Body_ _Say_ was enough to make his mouth go dry. And he could still feel her on his lap in the back of the cab as they filmed that music video.

Everything had gone to shit and it was his fault.

And then he was on his feet. He wasn't really thinking as he pushed out of his room and to the backstage area. When he saw his friends his voice was so loud they jumped.

"Where's Elle?" He blurted.

They looked up and James rolled his eyes. "Dude, you've gotta stop tweeting about her. It's weird."

"Where is she?" He huffed impatiently. "Please?"

"On her bus. But Liz is with her so you won't be able to do anything stupid."

That was all Kendall needed because he was racing out the doors. The only thing on his mind was that he had to fix this, he had to try to get the Elle who wrote those early songs about him back. The rain was falling in heavy sheets and his hoodie was already wet as he pounded on the bus door.

She said she was done but he had to try.

* * *

A loud knock made me jump out of my skin. It was relentless as I went to the door, it swung open and I frowned. Kendall was standing in the rain, holding my album.

"I-I listened to it. All of it." He stammered out. "I just finished."

I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms. "Do you want a gold star?"

Surprisingly he let out a laugh at this. "No. I-I want to fix this."

"Fix this?" I was indignant. "Fix the way you absolutely humiliated me? You made a fool out of me and hurt me. There's no fixing this."

My cold tone obviously wasn't enough to send him on his way because he pressed on. "I know I fucked up. Trust me when I say it's something I'm going to feel awful about for the rest of my life. I'm sorry for everything. I've never not been sorry but hearing how I hurt you, I don't know, I just want to make it better."

Liz was on the bus still and I didn't want to cause any more drama. For the sake of privacy and so she wouldn't worry, I stepped out into the rain and shut the door behind me. It was cold and gave me goosebumps immediately.

"You just don't know how to stop, do you? We had what we had and it's over. You ruined that and us the moment you tweeted that, I don't know how to make that any more clear. If you really had listened to my album you'd know I'm hurt and that I'm done with you."

Kendall's blonde hair was so wet that it looked brown and it was matted against his forehead. He let out a long breath and pushed his hair back before closing some of the gap between us. The hand he placed on my arm was warm against my chilled skin.

"I have listened to it, hearing what you wrote about me when we were happy compared to now is eating me up inside. But I also heard how you were falling for me. I have feelings for you, Elle." The corner of his mouth twisted into a small smile and his voice was soft. "And I think you still have feelings for me too."

I drew in a sharp breath and threw my hands up. "This isn't a movie or a crappy book, Kendall. You can't drag me out into the rain and confess your love for me like it's going to change something." I jabbed my finger hard into his chest. "You _hurt_ me and that's not okay. You don't get to act like the victim because I don't want to be with you after all you did to me."

Kendall swallowed hard and his fingers toyed with the frayed edges of the bracelet he wore, he avoided my eye. His words were thick as they came out of his throat.

"I-I just need a second chance. I swear to god I won't mess this up ever again." He lifted his head. "Please. Trust me."

"Do you know how long it took me to trust someone after Jett? Almost two years and what happened? You treated me like shit, you pushed me, you made me want to kill myself. And now that I'm back and trying to move on, you still won't leave me alone." My words were high pitched as my throat tightened and I fought tears. "I mean shit, what more do you want from me? What else could you _possibly_ take from me?"

The sound of my voice cracking made him wince. "Len, I'm so sorry."

"You don't get to be surprised that I'm still hurt." The rain was cold and my wet hair dripped down my back. "I'm going inside before I get pneumonia."

I turned to enter the code to get on the bus and knew my hands weren't trembling from being cold. My fists clenched and blew air between my teeth.

"I'm not surprised, you have every right to be mad. But I love you, I'm so in l-."

That was it. I had officially had enough.

"Don't you dare say that to me!" The shove I gave him was rough enough to make him stumble. My throat was hoarse as I shouted at him. "I am done with empty words from stupid guys!"

He sighed and shook his head at me. We were both absolutely drenched and the rain fell heavier now, it stung my skin. One hand held my waist and the other held my face. His green eyes stared into mine, full of intensity and regret. His thumb wiped at the hot tears that mixed with the cold rain. The cries that came out of me were uncontrollable and ugly. I was completely exhausted and devastated.

"Elle, talk to me."

"I _hate_ it when you touch me. All I can think about is how there used to be a time I wanted nothing else. It reminds me of every night I took my clothes off for you without knowing it started as a joke." My knees were buckling and I made a weak attempt to push him off me. "I'm done with you. Don't ever touch me again."

He caught my wrist as I turned away. "I'll make this right."

"Tour is almost over, give it a rest Kendall." I laughed to stop myself from crying even more. "In a few weeks, this will be done."

"I'll do anything for a second chance, to get you back." His mouth was a thin line as he fought tears of his own. "I have feelings for you and I think you do too."

The rain was almost deafening as it poured down around us. His accusation hung in the air and I was quiet for a long moment while I pushed the hair out of my eyes. My voice was nearly drowned out by the sound.

"I had feelings for you but I can't be with someone I can't trust."

"I'll earn it b-back. I swear to god, Elle." He was desperate now, he held my face between his two hands. "I'm not giving up."

His mouth was hot against mine and he held the back of my head. He kissed me with enough force that it took my breath away.

"That was the _last_ time you ever get to do that." I hissed at him as I stepped back. "Don't fucking touch me again."

His eyes were sad. "Eleanor. Baby, please."

My words were void of any emotion as I punched in the code to the bus. "Tour's over in a few weeks. After that, we'll be strangers again. I won't know you and you won't know me. It's for the best."

"No! Please don't say that." He begged but when he saw me flinch as he tried to grab my hand, he choked on his words. "I just need another chance. One more chance."

Water soaked both of us to the bone and I stared at him with nothing but pity and disdain. He could plead and he could beg and he could make all the speeches in the rain that he wanted. It didn't change anything. I shrugged my shoulders as I stepped onto the bus.

"I'm fresh out of chances." I fought like hell to keep my voice from shaking. "Get over it, I know I have."

And then, I shut the door. Leaving Kendall out in the rain.

* * *

AN: Elle's album is breaking records and Kendall is desperate for another shot. My favorite scenes were Elle seeing how well the album was doing, her little conversation with Jett and the scene in the rain at the end. I'm a sucker for anything involving a kiss in the rain. What was your favorite part? Do you think Kendall deserves another chance?

We are reaching the final bit of this story and I'm really excited for what's ahead. I hope you'll stick around. It'd be really awesome if you left even a short review. I live for positive feedback!

Let me know what you thought and I'll see you soon.


	30. Chapter 30

AN: Welcome back! Thank you for all the feedback, I really appreciate it. This chapter follows more of Elle's inner turmoil as the summer starts to wind down. I wanted to get it up before midnight! So please disregard any typos because I am currently editing. Thank you and please let me know what you thought!

* * *

A little-known fact about touring was that it was basically a huge competition between you and other artists. And not just for awards or ticket sales, but for space. If you ever looked at a list of tour dates and wondered why an artist had a show in LA one night, Vegas the next, only to return to San Francisco instead of doing the California dates first, it was because of this. Venues only had so many free nights for bands to play and there were also sports teams to compete with. Tours booked any date that was relatively reasonable and this could mean hopping a flight for one show, driving through the night, or if you were on the Count Me In Tour, it meant a long bus ride back in the direction we had just come from.

When I rejoined the tour we were in Detroit and then Green Bay. That was because when we were in the Upper Midwest the first time, around when I filmed my video for _Night Like This,_ there had been other tours and sporting events. So we had gone all the way back to the west coast to where the tour had started. We hadn't played in Seattle or Portland that first week because the arenas were already booked. Now that those dates were done we were in the home stretch of the tour, only three weeks to go. We had left Spokane three nights ago, played a show on the other side of North Dakota and were now in Bismarck. After that, we had four special days and then the Canadian leg of the tour. Things were wrapping up, including all the guys' hard work.

"Big Time Five officially has an album cover!" Carlos exclaimed as he walked in my dressing room.

"Please tell me you aren't calling it that?" I deadpanned. "I thought you had a title?"

"No, it's still _Don't Stop_. Although Big Time Five has a nice ring to it." James flopped down next to me.

"Yeah because that's what we'll call the band when I join it of course." I joked as I put down my lyric book. "We'll combine forces and make a super band. But you have to be excited."

Logan trailed in after his friends and was scrubbing his face with a makeup wipe. "Fuck yes. No more photo shoots or makeup and we're officially done with the album. It comes out next week and life is good."

"The four of us will have to celebrate. This album is going to be killer, not as great as _mine._ But still great."

James rolled his eyes and shoved me playfully. "Yeah, well, we can't all break records. But we can knock you from the number one spot."

"We'll see about that. I believe in you and everything, but my album is a banger."

They laughed at this but Carlos didn't seem too bothered. "Keep your number one spot. All I care about is that this time tomorrow, we will be in the great state of Minnesota."

The mention of their home state seemed to take their mind off the album. James and Logan were unabashedly excited and fist bumped. They had been talking about it all day and I was confused.

"Finally. We've been close to Minnesota three times this summer and haven't been there. What gives?"

Logan looked offended. "What gives is that we are approaching Big Time Rush Day."

"Big Time Rush Day?" I snorted in disbelief. "What the hell is Big Time Rush Day?"

James cleared his throat and gave me a smug expression. "This Tuesday is the day that the mayor of Shakopee declared BTR Day. On this day, the whole town celebrates us."

"You've got to be kidding me. Is there a parade?"

"Well, no." His face faltered. "I mean, we've tried to convince him but something about traffic jams."

"It's more of a date on the city calendar but it's pretty cool. So we try to make sure the tour stops there on that date." Logan clarified as he tapped away on his phone. "We have traditions too. See."

He had pulled up the city calendar and there it was. Big Time Rush Day was this upcoming Tuesday and the show was being promoted. It was sweet that their hometown did this. But I grumbled to myself as I handed him his phone.

"The city of Phoenix has some explaining to do."

"Sorry what? I can't hear you over the sound of my holiday." James cupped his hand to his ear. "Call me when you have your own day."

I shoved him and he fell off the arm of the couch. "Sorry, I didn't catch that. My record-breaking album is too loud."

We all laughed with each other and it felt good to be happy again. It took my mind off of everything. The past few days had been great with the album and the shows, but personally, it was draining. We had done interviews and CD signings. Jett had been texting me about how he missed me and wanted to catch up. Kendall had been wandering around like a kicked puppy ever since our little reenactment of _The Notebook._ And I was fucking exhausted. But luckily, I had seen a doctor yesterday and my prescription for sleeping pills would be available in a few days in Minnesota. But overall, things were going well.

"Elle?" When I looked up, the guys were waiting for me to answer. "Hello?"

"Hmm?"

"Carlos said what are you doing with your two days off?"

That was the other exciting thing. We had some time off coming up. We would have a day off tomorrow, a show the next day, another day off, and one more show in Minnesota. From there it was the fourteen-hour trek to Canada. So technically, it was like having three days off. I was looking forward to the R and R.

"Sleep for sure. Maybe I'll spend some time on the studio bus."

"You just put out an album."

I shrugged and thought of the song swirling in my head. "A bonus track for the deluxe album."

"Such an overachiever." James teased.

"And yet, I don't have a holiday."

There was no time for a comeback because Kelly opened the door. "Soundcheck, you guys."

"I could perform the show in my sleep at this point," Carlos complained. "Seriously, I could probably do it backward."

I jostled Carlos' shoulder and sipped my tea. "Come on, soundcheck is always fun. All the fun of performing, none of the sweat. Come watch mine."

We rounded the corner to head to the stage and I collided face first. I threw out my hands to steady myself and an arm went around my waist. When things settled my tea was down the front of Kendall's black sweatshirt and his arm was around me. We stared at each other before he scrambled to let go of me.

"Sorry, I uh, I didn't see you." He ducked his head. "Are you okay?"

"Y-Yeah. Fine. Sorry about your shirt, send Liz the dry cleaning bill. I'll handle it."

He cracked a small smile. "It's black, it's fine. Seriously, don't sweat it, Len."

The use of my nickname made my stomach turn over in a familiar way, but I shook my head. "Well, uh, sorry if I burned you."

"Thank god you take it with ice water." Kendall joked and rubbed the back of his neck. Although, I probably deserve a third-degree burn at this point."

I gnawed on my bottom lip and fought a smile of my own. "I have soundcheck."

He held my gaze for another minute and patted my shoulder. "Good luck, not that you need it."

With that, I pushed past him, fighting the heat that burned my cheeks. The guys let me go first and it took everything in me not to see if he was still looking. Once we were out of earshot, James turned to me.

"You okay? You don't have a problem?"

"I don't have tea." My words were biting. "That's the only problem."

* * *

The soundcheck wasn't anything to write home about. Like Carlos, I could perform the set in my sleep. I wished I couldn't though because the fact that I could do it on autopilot meant my mind could wander. I spent the soundcheck consciously trying to _not_ think about Kendall. But I kept circling back to the argument we had in Seattle.

 _"I have feelings for you, Elle. And I think you still have feelings for me too."_

It was hard to tell what I found to be more annoying. The fact that I couldn't shake Kendall's words or that the words got under my skin. I knew he had feelings for me, everyone on tour could see it, the fans could see it and the press could see it. But I sure as hell didn't return them.

And after soundcheck was over, things were only more awkward. The guys and I were hanging out in my dressing room when there was a knock. Kendall shyly walked in as he balanced a paper cup. I could see the steam curling over the lip.

"I owed you one." His tone was light but his body language was full of nerves.

I took the cup and nodded. "Thanks."

Kendall smiled at me and shifted his weight. I knew him well enough to recognize that he was nervous. I tried not to think about all the times I had seen the way his eyebrows pulled together and how he ran his hand through his hair. The day in Nashville stuck out like it had happened yesterday. He had kissed me in the back of the music store. It had been our real first kiss, not because he was jealous, or because I wanted to get back at him. It was because I had wanted nothing more than that. I shook my head and realized I had been silent. He was staring at me with an amused expression.

"Maybe you need a nap instead." He laughed a little. "I don't know if tea is enough."

"Yeah, maybe. Thanks."

Thankfully, he left after that and the guys were quick to look at me. I rolled my eyes as I sipped from the cup.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing." James held up his hands.

"Then why are you staring at me?"

Logan raised and lowered a shoulder, his voice was low. "That was...intense."

"It's _tea_."

"Yes but then there was before soundcheck. You two could have been the cover of a Fabio novel."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."

"Is he still trying?"

"Did you not just see him make me tea after literally sweeping me off my feet?" I swirled the teabag around the cup. "Yeah, he's still trying. But I'm not interested, you saw how he acted. It was disgusting and I don't forgive him."

They agreed with me on this. "Yeah, what he did was awful."

"At this point, we just run into each other when we smoke outside. But even that's rare."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Okay, Dr. Logan." My tone was good-natured. "It's fine. I liked him, past tense. And maybe I still have lingering feelings but I don't trust him. And summer's almost over and after that, it's over. I'll go on a long vacation somewhere nice and only see him at award shows. The four of us will still hang out though."

They didn't know what to make of what I just said, so James nodded. "Yeah, he's an asshole for doing that to you. But he's determined."

"Just my luck."

"Is there anything else bothering you?"

I shook my head, I had unloaded enough on them for one day. But when my phone buzzed, I groaned.

 _I regret posting that snap where I turned your song off. In fact, I'd do anything to turn you on._

Jett had texted me again. It happened at least twice a day. Sometimes he 'blessed' me with a selfie, his words not mine. He'd say he missed me or that he liked a song from the album.

"Well, there's also this."

When they read the text they also groaned.

"He said Kendall didn't have any game? That text is a shame on our whole gender, it's not even clever." James scoffed. "We could beat him up too."

"Thanks but no thanks, who knows what other blackmail he has on me." My head ached and I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Let's just say Elle Harper is done with men for a while. Between Kendall, Jett and their bullshit, I can't sleep. I'm beyond ready for these days off."

* * *

Even though I was ready for a little relaxation, it didn't mean I didn't love being on tour. The show was a lot more entertaining than the soundcheck had been. The music pulsed through my body and I let myself get lost in it. The fans sang every word to every song, even the new ones and it warmed my heart inside and out. My set was just about over so I paused for a moment.

"I just want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your support this summer. It's no secret things haven't been easy, but I wouldn't have gotten through any of it without you guys." I gushed into the microphone. "So thank you for believing in me no matter what. I have one song left."

By the end of the song I was dripping with sweat and my feet ached. I gave a large wave to the audience and bowed a little.

"Thank you, Bismarck, my name is Elle Harper and your love is my drug!"

The final notes blared as confetti rained down on all of us. The paper stuck to my damp skin and I ran offstage, I wiped my face with a towel. Kendall was right there when I pulled it away.

"Good show, as always."

"Thanks, uh, have a good one." I forced myself to sound pleasant. "Night."

Liz ushered me away from him and I shuddered. He had been lingering a little too much today and even though he had been nice, it still stung. I had been fooled by that smile before and I wouldn't let it happen again. But my mood shifted when Liz kept me company while I freshened up in my dressing room.

"Hey, I have good news. Your prescription is waiting for you in Minnesota, I can pick it up the day after tomorrow."

I could have cried as I walked out of the bathroom. "So only two more nights of not being able to sleep?"

"Yep. God, you need it too, look at you." She turned my head from side to side with her hand and tutted. "These bags are something, did you get any sleep last night?"

"A few hours, thank god for caffeine." I drank from a cup of iced coffee. "And I'm pretty tired tonight, it's been a busy few days. I'll probably crash after I sing with BTR."

This lie seemed to assuage her because she nodded. "Good. In fact, I'll stay on the management bus. I won't keep you up with my conference calls."

The thought of being alone for once was exciting. "That's great, thank you."

"Only two songs stand between you and sleep, so let's get out there."

I always tried to be by the stage one song early, that way if there were any mic issues we could fix them. So even though I had been boycotting their set most nights due to Kendall, I still saw some of it. They were just finishing up _If I Ruled The World_ when I made it to my waiting area. They launched into the next song with gusto, it was new. I tried to keep my face neutral as I watched them. James was flashing the crowd a super white smile.

"When we dance heaven opens up."

But when Kendall started singing, it was hard not to frown, especially once he looked over at me with a small smirk.

"I promise you'll be back for more." He rocked his hips to the beat. "I wanna touch you like I did before. I'm gonna make you love me again."

My scowl and middle finger weren't what he was expecting because he cringed. It served him right though, he didn't get to sing about touching me again. If I had it my way, after tour he would never even look at me again. But soon the song was finished, and I was proud of my friends for their mature sound. As per my agreement with Gustavo, Kendall left the stage while his friends announced me.

"North Dakota, you haven't seen the last of me!" I teased as I walked on stage. "I hope you don't mind if I crash the party."

Logan, Carlos, James and, I sang the two group numbers together. Even though they were romantic I still enjoyed singing them, maybe it was because I didn't write them, but they didn't twist at the hole in my heart.

"I've got a big-time crush on you." I crooned and smiled at the guys.

Over their shoulders I caught Kendall staring. He wore a stupid lovesick expression but quickly turned a shade of red when he realized he had been caught. If I hadn't been so sleep-deprived I probably would have flirted with his friends to get under his skin. But soon enough both songs were over and I was already taking out my inner ear pieces.

"Elle, good show tonight as always."

"Thanks, Gustavo. I know I was a little flat during _I Know You Know_ , but I'll work on it."

He shook his head. "You were great. Take a breath, the album's out, the tour is sold out. You're crushing it just stay in one piece."

"What he means is please get some sleep." Kelly pressed as she handed me tomorrow's schedule. "Do you see this giant empty space? That's a day off, use it, enjoy it."

"Please do. I almost want to set up an IV full of coffee for you." Liz agreed as she rubbed my arm. "Go get unhooked and get to bed."

I rolled my eyes at the three of them. "Okay, okay. Goodnight."

While a roadie disconnected my mic pack, my stomach sank. I could hear Kendall's voice, he was playing that stupid fucking song again.

"We just don't make sense. We're so not right, but that's what makes you mine."

His voice was rough from all the cigarettes he smoked. The lyrics still hit me right in the heart and I couldn't get out of there quick enough. I was more than ready to fall into a deep, much-needed sleep.

* * *

Everything was wrong.

My bed was lumpy, the bunk was drafty, and it felt wrong. I had laid in bed for four hours before realizing sleep was futile. Of course, it wasn't for a lack of trying. I had showered and meditated but sleep just wouldn't come. It had to be the bed. Logically, I knew it was the exact bus and exact same bed as the other one but it felt different. I had really thought getting three hours of sleep for the past few days would be enough but I was wrong.

And now, I found myself breaking into the safe of my own bus.

I guess it didn't _really_ count as breaking in. After all, the code was the release date of my first album like it had always been. But for some reason I still found myself checking over my shoulder. Liz was on the management bus for the night. And as much as I loved her I knew chasing after me must be a handful. So I was certain we both didn't mind the alone time.

"Yes!" I cheered as the door swung open. "Exactly what I was looking for."

The bus safe contained the essentials. My passport, various important documents, and the most important thing, alcohol. Every single gift basket I had received for my album had contained some kind of liquor. And Liz, being the proactive manager she was, had locked it away. But a little nightcap never hurt anyone. Hopefully, it would put me to sleep.

I swiped a bottle of bourbon before locking the safe. That was all I needed before I climbed back into bed, I pulled the curtain shut and cracked the seal. The large swallow I took burned my throat and stomach in the best kind of way. I shut my eyes and leaned my head back. My brain had been overrun with thoughts. From the Tween Choice Awards nominations, song lyrics, to Kendick. The Tween Choice Awards were _the_ show of the summer, winning there would prove to the world that the Kendall Incident wasn't going to stop me. The song lyrics would work themselves out eventually.

It was Kendall that was causing my headache. Today had been weird, to say the least. I could still feel his hands on my waist when I crashed into him. He had made a joke about deserving third-degree burns from my spilled tea. His dry humor was something I didn't know I had been missing. And of course, the nervous way he brought me a fresh drink had been sweet.

Another shot burned down my throat.

I didn't miss him.

His friends had said we seemed 'intense'. The only intensity I felt for Kendall was intense disgust. There was zero chemistry between us, there never had been. It had all been artificial. And even if I did miss him, I deserved better than him. I rolled onto my side and drank deeply. The bed beneath me felt cold and too big for my frame. The air conditioning was way too high and there weren't enough blankets and my skin was covered in goosebumps. My phone buzzed and I nstantly took another drink when I saw the message.

 _Missing that body of yours._

It was Jett, being his usual self, with no respect for boundaries. I deleted the message and a distant memory bubbled to the surface but it wasn't of Jett.

We had been in Chicago, we had filmed my music video when my phone buzzed in my bunk. The sender has surprised me but the message had even more.

 _I was looking at you and thinking about what was under that coat._

Kendall and I had flirted all night while filming and he had wanted to continue. It took a good deal of scrolling but I found the old texts. Our banter had flowed easily and the sexual tension was obvious.

 _Yeah, one look at your pants it was pretty obvious. Even with your tiny boner._

I cringed at my own words. I could practically feel the way he pressed into my thigh as we made out in the back of the cab. Our texts grew more frequent from there, especially once we had admitted our feelings for each other. At one point I had sent him the pictures we had taken before the New York award show. We were both dressed up and he was kissing the top of my head as we posed in the mirror. It was crazy to think about how drastically things changed just 24 hours after the photo was taken.

"I'm too sober for this."

After a few more long drinks, there was a buzz in my veins and I was able to read through our messages. My stomach twisted when I saw the next set of texts.

 _I did everyone a favor._

That was the moment I had tried to kill myself. I had been drunk, bleeding and alone. His reply was still enough to make my throat go tight.

 _Wait, what?_

 _Holy shit, please don't hurt yourself baby._

 _I'm coming out there, just hold on. Please?_

Knowing that he would have killed himself if I hadn't woken up made this even more emotional. When he had drunkenly stumbled into my hotel room the other night, he had confessed that he didn't want to be without me. He didn't want to be alone.

And I didn't either.

My legs swung over the side of the bed and I climbed out. I turned off the air and moved my hands over my arms. I hadn't realized I had even been crying until I caught of glimpse of myself in the dark windows of the bus. My face was streaked and I had the tell-tale flush of someone who was drunk. It took some digging but when I found the sweatshirt I tugged it on. The smell had grown faint but it still clung to the dark green fabric. It was comforting and familiar. The mint and soap were a far cry from the weed and alcohol that wafted from him now.

"Fucking pathetic, Eleanor." I hiccuped to myself as I looked through the photos of us. "Crying over fucking, K-Kendick, drunk and alone."

But I sat in my bunk anyway, wearing his sweatshirt with a belly full of liquor. As I curled up on my side I finally was brave enough to realize why I hadn't been able to sleep.

I couldn't sleep alone.

The bed wasn't too big, it was too empty. I didn't have too few blankets, I didn't have a warm body next to me. I couldn't sleep without him. Even being drunk hadn't made me tired. The loneliness clawed at my insides and I rubbed my fists into my eyes. A cry forced its way out of my throat. I was exhausted and alone. It was like I was on autopilot as I tapped at my screen. My vision was bleary and I hit send without thinking.

 _Kendall?_

The three dots were almost instant and I wondered if he couldn't sleep either.

 _What's wrong?_

 _Can u stop the buses? I need to come over._

He didn't reply and I regretted it almost instantly. It was one thing to privately miss him, but to drunk text him, that was messy. The bus continued to roll along but I heard the hiss of the brakes. Before I could stop myself I was leaving my bus. My pillow was under one arm and the bourbon was in my hand as I stepped out into the night. Cars whizzed past me on the highway as I walked back towards the second bus. I stumbled a bit as I climbed up the stairs. The back of the bus was dark and Kendall's face was lit up by the dim glow of the recessed lights.

"Elle, what's wrong? It's three in the morning."

"I'm tired." I swallowed thickly. "So fuckin' tired."

"Okay?"

I rolled my eyes and my words were slurred. "I can't sleep w-without you."

That's when he noticed the bottle in my hand. "Are you drunk?"

The look in his eyes was almost accusing and I shook my head. "Oh no, you don't g-get to judge me for being drunk."

"You are drunk." He scratched at his beard. "No judgment."

"Good, you don't get to judge me f-for anything. You're the one who fucked up."

He held up his hands. "I know, I know."

I took another drink and wiped my mouth. The alcohol heightened every emotion I felt for Kendall as I stared at him. I was angry, disgusted and hopelessly and miserably nostalgic for him. My eyes were tearing up again and he looked panicked.

"Hey, don't cry. I'm sorry."

When he handed me a tissue I waved him away. "I can't sleep. I'm so fucking tired and my body is betraying me because I can't sleep alone. And Liz took my sleeping pills because," I hiccuped a bit and thrust my finger at him. "Because _someone_ made me overdose. But that someone, unfortunately, also happens to be the one person I can fall asleep next to and it's all your fault. It's s-so stupid, _I'm_ stupid."

I rocked on my feet as tears fell down my face. Kendall steadied me by grabbing my shoulders, his face was pulled into a deep frown. "You're not stupid, you're tired. When was the last time you got any real sleep?"

A yawn interrupted my crying. "A few days. M-Maybe four."

"Baby, you need to sleep."

"Don't call me that. I'm not your baby." I scowled at him. "I know I need sleep."

Instead of cowering, he rolled his eyes. "You came over here. I didn't force you. I've seen you for the past week. You look like you can barely keep your eyes open. I'm worried about you "

"I know I came over here." My words weren't as biting as I had hoped as they ran together. "Trust me, if I could sleep on my own I would. And you should have thought how worried you'd be before you ruined me."

Kendall watched as I took another drink from the nearly finished bottle. He gently pried it from my hand and placed it on top of the cabinets. "I think you've had enough, how about some water?"

The room was beginning to spin a bit and I held onto the counter. "No."

"Elle, c'mon."

"Let's go to bed." I pleaded with him and reached out to him. "T-Take me to bed"

Kendall bit his lip and let out a sigh. "You're drunk, I don't want to take advantage."

Now he decided to not be completely scummy. He was also bold enough to assume I wanted sex so I clarified. "I want to sleep _next_ to you, not _with_ you. This isn't in any way a sec- a second chance."

"Len."

He was taking too long to answer and I gripped my pillow and pushed past him. "I'll sleep with Logan or something. Move."

His jaw clenched and he shook his head. "Absolutely fucking not."

I was too tired to point out how jealous he sounded. I shifted my weight from foot to foot, my voice was high and thin. I hated how desperate I sounded as I spoke.

"Can I sleep here or n-not?" I looked up at him through my lashes and my words were shaking. "I feel like I'm going to collapse but I can't sleep alone. I can't sleep without _you_."

He gave me a once over and finally nodded. "Yeah, sure."

I nearly wept in relief and turned to go to his bunk. I swayed and tripped over my feet but he was right behind me and wrapped his hand around my waist.

"Easy, Elle. I don't need you getting a concussion and people thinking I did it."

"Already shoved me." I huffed as I turned around. "Sorry, was that rude?"

"It's true, I'm sorry."

My head was throbbing and my thoughts were jumbled. "I'm so fucking drunk."

A smile twitched at his mouth. "I know, the bed's right there."

We reached his bunk and he boosted me up. He climbed in behind me and pulled the curtain shut while I made myself comfortable. I moved his phone and smiled at his lock screen. It was the same picture from New York that I had been looking at earlier. I didn't mention it as I handed it to him. The bed didn't feel empty, I wasn't cold, and I felt the tension melt from my body. Kendall kept his distance but reached out to touch my face.

"I have to be honest." He began as he stroked my cheek. "I can't sleep either."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I haven't been able to since you left. I end up thinking about everything and writing songs."

"You sang about me tonight." I hummed and pointed at him. "That song where you say I'm yours."

Kendall looked sheepish. "I did. I won't play it anymore if you don't want me to."

"It's a good song," I answered without thinking, so I backpedaled. "The fans like it."

He wasn't drunk so he noticed my choice of words. His green eyes were vulnerable. "What about you? Do you like it?"

I had invited myself over, climbed into his bed and was literally less than a foot from him. But none of that influenced my meek nod. "Well I'm not yours. But y-yeah, it's sweet. Even if love songs are cheesy."

This brought a smile to his face, it was nice to see him smile again. "It's for you, it's your song. I started it before everything went wrong, I've written so many songs about you."

"No one's ever written a song about me before you," I admitted as I tried to stop the room from spinning. "J-Jett just raped me and sends gross texts."

The smile slid off of his face when he heard this. "He's texting you?"

"Just stupid stuff like he misses me. It's part-partially why I'm drunk right now."

"Why else are you drunk?"

I buried my face in my pillow, I regretted saying anything. "I was hoping it would make me fall asleep and I-I may or may not have missed sleeping next to you."

"Well, I miss you too, Elle. I miss you every day even when I'm next to you."

His words tugged at my heartstrings because I missed him too. I missed him right now even though my body was pressed against his. We laid together while being miles apart. The hand that had been touching my face moved to my waist. Tears stung in the corner of my eyes and Kendall was visibly concerned.

"Please don't cry."

I was more irritated with myself than anything else. "I hate that I miss you. I'm so fucking mad at you but I miss you sleeping next to me. I'm scared, I'm so scared."

He was quiet for a long moment and he bit at his lip. "Of me?"

"Of you, to forgive you." I rattled off and my voice was small and timid. "And because I'm pretty sure I feel the same way you do."

And there it was. My big, drunken mouth had admitted that I still had feelings for Kendall. Of course, I did. How could I not? No matter how hard I wished, it wasn't something I could turn off like a tap. I had spent the summer falling for him that didn't disappear overnight. Kendall's eyebrows shot up to his hairline and a shocked laugh slipped past his lips.

"You feel the same?"

"Unfortunately." I burrowed deeper into the blankets. "But I'm scared and angry and don't forgive you. I'm not getting into it."

"We don't have to talk about it." He scooted in closer and rested his forehead on mine. "But just know I miss you too and I will never hurt you again."

My eyes were growing heavy and my head was foggy. "Whatever you say. And this isn't a second chance."

"It's not a second chance."

I was sniffling as I let myself sink into his arms. "I just wish I knew if you were s-serious about me, us, whatever."

I felt his lips kiss the top of my head. "I'll prove it to you, I swear to g-god. I love you and I miss you. I love you and miss you so much."

For the first time in days, my eyes fell shut and sleep lured me in. The bus rocked gently and Kendall murmured apologies into my hair, it felt like nothing had changed. And as I finally dozed off two words left my mouth without a second thought.

"You too."

* * *

AN: Do you think Elle meant I love you too or I miss you too just now? It's obvious she's hurting without Kendall but doesn't trust him. Would you trust him if you were Elle? Do you think they could ever be happy? My favorite part was the conversation they had when Elle went to the BTR bus and the scene with her and the guys at the beginning. The next chapter takes place in the guy's hometown and a few unexpected things happen.

We are now moving into the final arc of this story and I'm so excited for you guys to read it. I hope you stick around for the ride. Thank you and please let me know what your favorite part was! I'm so close to 60 reviews! :)


	31. Chapter 31

AN: I'm back! I'm so sorry I was away for so long. I had my personal life to deal with and a bad case of writer's block. But I'm back with a long chapter that sets up something exciting for Kendall and Elle. This chapter takes place the morning after chapter 30 and follows the tour's first day in BTR's hometown. I hope this chapter is enough to entertain you and to forgive me for my break lol. If it makes you feel better I have the next chapter started. Thank you for your feedback and patience. I also saw there are a few new people following this story. I appreciate it!

Please enjoy and review!

* * *

There was a very real possibility of me dying from a hangover when I finally opened my eyes. My head throbbed and my mouth tasted like bourbon but it was worth it because I was well rested. But I realized I wasn't well rested from the alcohol when he stirred next to me.

"Morning."

It took a few tries but when I was finally upright I knew where I was right away. I was in Kendall's bunk and literally tangled up in him. My body was pressed up against him and his arm was still around me. We couldn't get any closer if we tried this caught my hungover brain off guard and I freed myself from his grasp.

"Please, _please_ , tell me we didn't sleep together." I moaned as I rubbed my hand across my forehead. "Because a walk of shame is the last thing I need right now."

"I said I didn't want to take advantage of you when you showed up drunk." Kendall was trying to fight a laugh. "You insisted you wanted to sleep _next_ to me and not _with_ me and then climbed into my bed."

Hearing this jogged my memory and my stomach turned at the thought of all the alcohol I drank. I gave a small chuckled and leaned back on the pillows.

"That sounds like something I'd say." I winced at the throbbing behind my eyes. "My head is killing me."

"Do you want an aspirin?"

"Please."

Kendall rolled his eyes as he climbed out of bed. "I'll get them for you. Unlike you, I'm a much better host."

I said something similar to him after he had woken up in my bed. I tried not to dwell on the fact that we could still have banter and that his jokes still amused me. I downed the pills and half a bottle of water.

"Are you feeling okay? You were pretty drunk last night."

"Well, my head hurts. But at least there won't be another tape of me out there." I opened one eye to see Kendall looking pale and uncomfortable. "Been there done that."

"I would never do that."

"It was a joke. I'm allowed to joke about it. Thank you for letting me sleep here, I vaguely remember being hysterical."

His nervous expression gave way to a slight smile. "Anytime and I would say you were a little more than hysterical."

"It won't happen again, I get my sleeping pills soon. I'll be out of your hair and your, uh, bed."

"I don't mind it's nice to sleep next to someone. But I'm glad you get them soon, I'm worried about you."

I squinted at my phone and saw that it was nearly ten in the morning. "Trust me I am too. That's the most sleep I've had in weeks. Do you think the guys are up?"

"Probably? Are you leaving?" His question came out quick and he flushed. "I just mean, do you want coffee?"

"Yeah and I should get back before Liz thinks I got kidnapped."

Kendall held out his arm and helped me climb down. I slipped my shoes back on my feet before standing up, he stared down at me and I bit my lip. I felt a little shy and embarrassed. Showing up drunk and climbing into his bed was out of character for me. I hugged him for a brief moment and his chin rested on my head.

"Thanks for letting me stay here."

His lips brushed against my hair. "No worries."

With that, I was following him out into the kitchen. Apparently, you _could_ do a walk of shame even if you hadn't fucked because our friends looked confused.

"Elle, what are you doing here?" James' eyes went from my face to Kendall's. "You okay?"

"I couldn't sleep," I answered, not giving any more explanation than that. "How are you guys?"

The mood was awkward but then Carlos did what he did best and filled the silence.

"We're home, so I'm great. We're about twenty minutes from our hometown and there's this place we always go to. They have the best breakfast."

"I finally get to see the famous hometown that was dumb enough to give you guys a day?"

"Don't hate on BTR Day. You're just upset you don't have one."

"You caught me."

Logan and James went back to the video they were watching and Carlos pushed past me to change. It was nice to be back on the bus with the guys even if it was just for the morning. Kendall was nursing a cup of coffee and his hip was pressed to mine as we leaned against the counter.

"You want to get breakfast with us? It's the first thing we do when we get home."

"Sure, why not."

* * *

It was obvious this tradition wasn't a secret one, because when we reached the small restaurant outside of town, a few fans were waiting for the guys. They were always nice to their fans but it was sweet the way they lingered with the ones from their city. I signed a few autographs while they chatted and a girl pointed to my chest.

"Nice hoodie."

I looked down and realized I was wearing the green Wilds hoodie. "What can I say? Minnesota is pretty great."

After that, I slipped inside and hoped no one looked into the fact that I came off the bus with the guys. The last thing I needed was the press asking more questions about me and Kendall. He joined me before our friends did and he seemed on edge.

"You okay?"

"Even in Minnesota, they aren't a big fan of mine." He picked up a menu. "I guess I thought coming home would be different."

I didn't say anything at first but the way his mouth pulled into a frown was sad. I didn't forgive him for what he had done but that didn't mean I wasn't worried. The press may have eased off of me but they were still hard on Kendall. Fans still booed him onstage and sent him tweets saying _he_ should do everyone a favor. Between that and all the drinking and smoking, I had grown concerned about him. I didn't like him but that didn't mean I wanted something bad to happen to him.

"I'm sorry."

"It's nothing I don't deserve. Don't apologize I'm the one who fucked up."

"Yes but I don't want you to get hurt."

He scoffed at this and shook his head. "Sure you don't."

"Hey, I'm serious. I'm still pissed, what you did was awful, but I don't want you to get hurt."

He was quiet as my words sank in. Eventually, he smiled and gave a small nod. "Fine."

The bell on the door jingled as our friends came sweeping in. They were laughing and their faces were bright.

"The best part about being home is that everyone's so nice. That girl bought me cookies." Carlos was holding a large container. "The sweet taste of Mary's bakery."

"You get your own day plus cookies. Minnesota is one giant slap in the face at this point." I slumped further down into the booth. "I'm going to make some calls after this."

Carlos held out the tin. "Will this help? They're double chocolate chip."

"I don't want your sympathy cookies, I want my own."

James pointed to the menu. "Ignore those, get the hotdish. It's a Minnesota staple. It's this tater tot, vegetable thing."

I raised an eyebrow. "You don't eat carbs."

"Listen, I'm back in the homeland. And it's an acceptable meal in the winter, before hockey games and when I'm visiting."

When I gave his friends a confused look, Logan seconded this. "He's a different person when we visit. I watched him eat a burger at 7 am on the last tour, he said he didn't know when he'd be back and it was a necessity."

"James Diamond, Mr. Organic and Mr. I-Workout-Twice-A-Day, eats this stuff?"

He pounded his fist on the table. "It's a burger with cheese in the middle, another classic."

"That's disgusting."

"Just because you grew up in the desert eating sand doesn't mean I did."

Kendall scoffed and turned the page of my menu. "You can't go wrong with the pancakes."

I leaned across the table and squinted at James. "Oh look, normal breakfast food."

Today was going to be laid back. The first show wasn't until tomorrow so we had all day to ourselves, the guys all seemed stoked to be back home. Our meal had been interrupted three times by fans wanting to take pictures and they were more than happy to oblige. Kendall even got into two of them which brightened his mood. As breakfast wrapped up the conversation turned to their families. It was sweet to see the way they all got excited about the idea of seeing them.

"I was on the phone with my dad last night, apparently my grandma has been making food since yesterday." Carlos was animated as he spoke. "It's going to be a feast at the Garcia house and my cousins are in town for the concert tomorrow. I still don't think they believe I can sing."

"Dude, it's been almost six years."

"You tell them that."

Logan turned to me. "Every time I come home, my mom insists on holding me hostage for the day. So I'll be spending my day answering a hundred questions about what I've been up to."

"He means she wants to know who he's been sleeping with." Carlos clarified with a laugh. "I swear she tries to set him up with a 'normal' girl every time he's home. I mean can you blame her? Camille was a lot."

"You're 23 and your mom sets you up with girls? That's adorable, she does realize you flirt almost as much as James?"

James looked up from the burger he had settled on. "Keyword: Almost. He wishes he had the game that I do. In fact, I'll probably spend the day finding someone to get in trouble with. Unless you want to join me, Elle?"

Everyone at the table laughed, but next to me, Kendall stiffened. "You're not going to see your family?"

"I am. Whenever I come home my mom and I have a day at her spa, a little refresher. And then my dad and I hit the gym. The beauty of having divorced parents who want to be the favorite is that I get treated like a king."

"Because you're not already conceited." I teased. "It's cute you all have certain things when you come home. I don't have any little traditions because, well, I hate Phoenix. And Liz is basically my family, but when I get back to LA, I want actual food. I'm tired of eating out."

By the time we walked out of the restaurant, it was almost noon. The heavy rain had caused the fans to leave. Logan held the door open for me.

"Agreed, that's another good thing about being home for a few days. Do you want to ride over to the venue with us? You can meet our families, they're meeting us there."

The thought of meeting my friends' parents was daunting. After all, they had probably seen the drama surrounding me, Jett, and Kendall. They had known Kendall since he was a kid and it would be awkward if they were on his side.

"No, no," I said quickly. "Spend time with them, I don't want to impose."

"If you say so. My mom will probably want you to tell her who I've been seeing."

We all shared a quick hug. "Have fun. I'm sure I'll see you later."

With that, we went to our separate buses. Liz had texted me saying she was at the venue making sure things were in order for tomorrow. I was in the middle of replying to her when the sound of a clearing throat made me jump.

"Sorry."

I turned to see Kendall holding out my pillow and a fresh bottle of bourbon.

"Aren't you going to the venue?"

"Oh, James decided to get an order of hotdish to go at the last minute." He rolled his eyes at this. "I thought you'd want the pillow back. And we had a bottle of this on the bus. I thought you'd want to replace the one you downed before Liz saw it was gone."

I reached out and took it from him. "You know me so well. She'd probably have a fit if she knew I was hammered last night."

"So, what do you think of Minnesota?"

I was unlocking the safe and made a noncommittal noise. "The breakfast was pretty good and you guys seem happy to be home. It's honestly just another stop to me so far. Are you excited to see your mom?"

He made the same noise I did. "I haven't seen her since the whole New York thing. I'm definitely going to get a lecture."

I stood up from replacing the bourbon. "Speaking of, where is she? You didn't mention her inside."

A sheepish expression worked its way onto his face. "I told her we got in tomorrow, I'm not ready to face her yet."

I blinked a few times at this. From what I heard from the guys, his mom had given him an earful shortly after I left New York. He obviously deserved it but I'd dread seeing her too if I were him. I danced around the subject and folded my arms over my chest.

"You're not going to hang with the guys and their parents?"

Kendall was put off by my question and wrung his hands. "I could but after everything that happened they aren't my biggest fans. What about you? Where's Liz?"

"At the venue making sure everything is set up for tomorrow. Knowing her, she'll probably wind up on a conference call. So, it's also just me today."

"We could hang out." The words slipped out easily and they seemed to surprise him because he backtracked. "Uh, sorry, that's not me asking for a second chance or anything. I know you don't want that. But I mean if we're both alone today I could show you around."

His offer came out rushed and nervous, something about it put me at ease. Maybe it was the fact that he knew I wasn't going to give him a second chance or maybe I was just bored, but I found myself nodding.

"Let's do it."

A smile pulled at his mouth. "Really?"

"I can't check into my hotel for a few hours anyway. And if I sit at the venue Liz will probably rope me into an interview or something."

"It'll be fun. Besides your lack of interest in Minnesota is offensive and needs to be fixed."

It was my turn to smile. "Just because I don't want a burger with cheese in the middle for breakfast doesn't mean I need convinced."

"Too late, you already said yes. And I'll have you know there's more to offer than James' junk food."

I shrugged as I leaned against the counter. "If you say so."

Kendall was determined as he headed towards the bus' exit. "We have four days, you'll come around."

* * *

Liz was normally a level headed person. But when I informed her of my plans for the day, I may as well have been speaking a different language.

"I'm sorry, _what_?"

"Kendall's going to show me around his hometown."

"Yes, I heard you. But why?"

I shrugged. "I have nothing better to do and the guys are with their parents."

"You couldn't take a nap, write a song, do an interview? You really can't think of anything better to do than hang out with him?"

My fingers drummed against my chin as I pretended to think about it. "I could stay in my bunk and wallow until I can check into my hotel or I could make Kendall buy me lunch. I'll choose to make Kendall feel guilty any day of the week."

Liz's eyebrow was raised and she threw her hands up in defeat, before tossing a set of rental keys. "Alright, but if you need me to fake some sort of emergency just call. It's nearly one, you can check in at three. In case you need an escape plan."

Kendall and Liz crossed paths in the doorway, I could have sworn she attempted to elbow him on her way out. He just smiled as he strolled into the room, both hands shoved into his pockets.

"I don't want to start anything, but I think Liz just tried to jab me in the ribs." He jerked his thumb behind him. "I mean, it serves me right. But that's new for Liz."

"She's just... protective." I defended weakly. "She thinks it's weird we're hanging out."

This caused his smile to falter a bit. "Oh. Well, we don't have to. It was probably a bad-"

"I want to." I interrupted without missing a beat. "I wouldn't mind actually getting to see a place for once."

"Really? If it's all the same to you, could we head out now? The guys' parents are here and I'd rather slip out then deal with them looking at me like a monster."

The keys jingled in my hand as I held them up. "Should I trust you to drive?"

"You're the one who drank an entire bottle of bourbon last night." He retorted. "Give me the keys. I know my way around, you don't."

I wheeled my suitcase behind me as we walked out of the venue. The rain hadn't let up and by the time I had loaded my bag into the trunk of the car, my hair was wet.

"So far, Minnesota and I aren't getting along."

Kendall huffed at this as we drove. "If it makes you feel better, I got a sunburn in Arizona during the last tour."

"Only slightly." I peered out the window as we sped down the highway. "At least it's pretty here."

Everything was a lush green color. Pine trees dotted the sides of the road instead of the cactuses I grew up with. It was a nice change of pace, traveling mostly alone instead of on a huge bus. Living on a bus made tour feel less like a road trip and more like being in a hotel on wheels. Kendall fiddled with the radio and I cringed at the sound of my own voice.

"Anything can happen on a night like this."

The duet played for a moment and I could feel heat prickle up the back of my neck. This one song held endless memories for the both of us, writing it, filming the video, and flirting onstage while singing it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kendall gripping the steering wheel. The song ended and the DJ took over.

"That was _Night Like This_ by Elle Harper and Kendall Knight. It's officially Big Time Rush Week as our hometown band makes their annual stop here. Both shows are sold out despite all the scandal surrounding the tour. It was just a few weeks ago that Elle Harper's private photos were-"

My hand shot out to turn off the radio. Kendall gave me an uneasy look and I wondered if I was the only one who wanted to tuck and roll out of the car. Neither of us said anything as we got off the highway. He was visibly excited as we made our way into town. We passed a few blocks of houses before getting into the downtown area. A banner that read, "Welcome Home" hung across the main street.

"You get a banner too? This whole thing is a scam."

"It's a small town, there's not much to be excited about." Kendall had slowed down and pointed out my window. "That's the high school we all went to. The ice rink is next to it."

The brick building was much older than the steel and glass ice rink. The school looked like something from a movie. It made me nostalgic for something I never really knew. "You know, I only spent one year in high school? A normal one, I mean?"

"Really? It was the end of my sophomore year when Gustavo made us a band."

I was careful about how much I revealed. "I did online school on tour. I feel like I missed out."

"Crowded hallways, gross lunch, and homework aren't much to miss. I finished at the Palm Woods school, famous school is much better."

I swatted him on the shoulder. "I meant prom and football games."

At a red light, Kendall took the chance to push me back. "You take that back, hockey is the only sport that matters."

"Excuse me for being from the desert, Kendick. I guess award shows are kind of like prom. You get to dress up and stuff. Did you go to prom?"

"Not at home. James did though, he dated a senior as a freshman and as a sophomore. We had a prom at the Palm Woods. It wasn't great for what it's worth, Jo-" He cleared his throat and shook his head. "Sorry, uh, long story short, prom is boring."

For both our sakes I decided to change the subject. "So this is where you grew up?"

"Good old Shakopee. That diner is where we'd go after hockey games. That's the library where Logan'd do our homework. Well, not mine but Carlos'." He sounded wistful as we made our way down the street. "And this is where I used to work."

He made a left into a grocery store parking lot. "This definitely isn't Whole Foods."

"Hey, don't hate on Sherwood." He called over his shoulder as he climbed out of the car. "This parking lot has been very good to me."

He opened my car door for me and I pulled my hood over my head. "The first thing you do when you come home is go grocery shopping?"

"Breakfast comes first obviously. But yeah, I want to eat something later that's not from a drive-through or restaurant for once."

"Or from room service." I followed behind him as he pushed the cart. "You used to work here?"

"Until Gustavo came to the parking lot and told us he was making me and the guys a band." He pulled a few things from the shelves. "James used to work here too, but he got fired pretty quick."

The store was small and it was hard to picture James bagging groceries, it was too normal. "What'd he get fired for?"

We turned the corner and were in the back of the store. Kendall pointed to a door marked for employees only and rubbed the back of his neck. He was slightly embarrassed as he spoke. He avoided my eye as he tossed items into his cart.

"We used to bring girls into the dairy cooler and makeout when we worked late."

I laughed loud enough to turn a few heads. "That is the _lamest_ thing I've ever heard."

Kendall half-heartedly agreed with me. "Listen, it'd be ten at night, just us and a few other kids. James' girlfriend of the week would come to visit and they'd make out. It was a good idea at the time. I couldn't have girls over and it was boring. No one buys groceries at night so I'd go in the back and entertain myself."

"So you'd make out next to the yogurt? How romantic. Just for that, you have to buy me a bottle of wine."

He pretended to be annoyed. "I'll have you know that the risk of getting caught was hot. I was subtle but James turned it into a revolving door."

"Hey, Knight!"

A voice made us both turn and I saw a stocky man coming towards us. Kendall brightened instantly and they gave each other a fist bump.

"Coach, how's the team this year?"

"Good, good. Gotta break in the freshmen though, apparently two practices a day is too much for them."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Bullshit. Morning practice is for lifting and afternoon practice is for drills."

"I miss having you as a captain, you knew how to get the guys motivated. Are you sure I can't pull you away from Hollywood to come back and help me coach?"

"I'm young enough to still play for the Wild." Kendall threw a fake punch at the man and scoffed. "Hell no, I'm not gonna coach."

The older man threw his hands up. "Fine, fine. It was good seeing you."

They hugged. "Anytime, Coach."

"Take care of yourself and knock it off with your bullshit."

Kendall ducked his head. "I'll try."

We were alone in the aisle once more Kendall was quiet as he filled his cart with olive oil and pasta. I pulled a bottle of wine from the shelf and placed it in the basket.

"You were serious?"

"I would make you buy me ice cream but who knows what kid humped next to it," I said in disgust as I trailed behind him. "So, that was your hockey coach, I'm guessing."

"Coach Carter, every time I come home he tries to get me to come back."

He seemed to have gotten everything on his list because he got in line. "Were you any good?"

"Was I good?" He puffed out his check and an exaggerated smirk bloomed on his face. "Two-time team MVP, I was captain my second year, we won the State Championship twice. And before BTR took off I was getting scouted by the University of Minnesota. Was I any good? I could still probably get drafted for the NHL if I tried."

I leaned against the checkout as he loaded the food onto the belt. "You're also humble, practically a saint."

"You did call me Saint Kendall once or twice."

His laugh was infectious and I tried not to roll my eyes. "I take it back."

He didn't hear me because he was talking to the cashier. "How's your mom, is she doing okay?"

"A lot better, I'll let her know you said hi."

He was putting his wallet away and nodded. "Seriously, don't be a stranger. You know my mom comes home all the time. If you need anything, let her know."

"I will. Thanks, Kendall."

"See ya, Sara."

It was actually very sweet to see Kendall back home and with the people who had known him his whole life. He seemed more at ease than he been in the few months I had known him. Everyone smiled at him as we walked out of the store and through the parking lot. He greeted people by name. I had loaded the shopping bags into the car because he was busy talking to an older woman. I climbed into the passenger seat and watched as he listened intensely before hugging the woman. They shared a smile and Kendall waved goodbye.

"Sorry, that was my old neighbor. She used to babysit me and Katie when we were kids."

"You just know everyone, don't you? You're practically skipping."

"I don't know." He started the car and shrugged. "It's just nice to be home. No one seems to hate me as much as I thought they would."

As he started the car, I took a moment to look him over. He hadn't been drinking as heavily but his skin was still a bit sallow. He was still scruffy and he had bags under his eyes. Most notably, he still looked guilty. I was quiet for a moment and considered my words.

"Listen, what you did was shitty and wrong. But even I don't hate you."

This came as a surprise to him because he blinked hard. "You don't?"

"I did. But I don't anymore. It's still wrong, it still hurts, but I don't hate you."

He smiled to himself and let out a long breath. "It means a lot to hear you say that."

"Well, I mean it. So don't listen to any of those tweets okay? Now, where are we going?"

The change of subject caught him off-guard. "Uh, I was thinking my house? I have to put this stuff in the fridge."

"Your house?"

He was anxious as he glanced over. He drummed his fingers against the wheel. "I mean, we don't have to stay. I'm sorry-"

"I don't care, it's fine. But you still have a house here?"

"Actually, that's Carlos' house." He made a sharp left and then a right down a long street. "That's Logan's and this one coming up on the right is mine. James' mom lives out in the suburbs and his dad lives in Minneapolis."

The neighborhood was clean and quiet. Trees lined the streets and it seemed like a perfectly average place to grow up. I could almost picture the guys getting into trouble and staying out until the streetlights came on.

"I get the guys having houses because their parents are here, but your mom and sister live in LA?"

Kendall pulled into the short driveway and popped open the trunk. "Katie's at college and we're on tour a lot. So my mom comes back here for awhile. It's kind of nice actually. You really get to come home, not just to a hotel. Do you not have a place in Phoenix?"

I helped him carry in the shopping bags and dropped them on the table. "With my annoying aunt or the foster homes, I lived in? Hell, no."

"My bad." He busied himself with putting things away. "Logan's mom looks after the house when no one's here."

The kitchen was small and homey. It seemed like someone had just popped out and would be back at any moment. Magnets were on the fridge, mail sat piled on the counter and the houseplants were nice and green. Whenever I left for tour, my place was always locked up and untouched for months. This felt like someone still lived here. It was very fitting, I could see the guys hanging out in the living room or at the dining table.

"Very Midwest, it's cute."

"Midwest, my mom would love to hear that," Kendall mused as he shut the last cabinet. "You want the tour?"

I linked my arm through his. "Lead the way."

"First things first. This living room is where Big Time Rush kind of began. We were watching TV and saw that Gustavo was holding auditions in the city, James freaked the fuck out. So we called all of our moms for a ride." He laughed at the next part. "We ended up getting a neighbor to let Logan drive her car with his learner's permit. We just barely made it and Kelly gave us all an audition number."

"And then what happened?"

"Logan tried beatboxing, Carlos was disgusting, and James' voice cracked. Gustavo was a dick about it and you know me, short-tempered and shit, I climbed onto the table and half-assed _Girl to my Heart._ Long story short, we got brought home by the cops. For some unknown reason, he liked it and showed up at my house."

I shook my head. "No way."

Kendall pointed to the armchair in the corner. "Ask the guys, he sat right there. He said he wanted to make me a singer. I told him no because I wanted to play hockey. But then James was pissed and I convinced Gustavo to make us a band."

"And the rest is history?"

"Something like that." He nodded towards the stairs. "Come on, the Kendall Knight Childhood Tour continues this way."

I raised an eyebrow. "This isn't some ruse to get me into your bed is it?"

"Would that work?" He questioned hopefully. When I scowled, he held up his hands. "I'm kidding. You didn't believe I was good at hockey, come on."

Against my better judgment, I followed him up the narrow stairs. He opened a door and flicked on the light. The walls were dark blue and littered with hockey posters. A bookshelf lined one wall and a guitar leaned against his desk. A large bed was in the middle and on the other wall was a trophy case.

"This is my room."

I looked around and nodded approvingly. "It's very you, in a younger way."

Kendall gestured to the trophies. "See, I told you I was good."

"MVP, State Championship, Junior Hockey League, Peewee Hockey blah, blah, blah, first place." I read off from the plaques and teasingly shrugged. "Fine, I guess you were okay. It's hitting a puck with a stick, it can't be that hard."

"Fuck off, I bet you can't even skate."

"Yeah well, you should teach-" A framed pictured crammed behind an award caught my eye. "Oh, no way. Is this you?"

Kendall lunged for the photo but I dodged him in time. He was at least 13, his skin was acne-covered and he had braces. He looked impossibly scrawny in his hockey uniform and his eyebrows were even more unruly than they were now. Kendall grumbled and his face was red.

"I was an ugly kid."

"You should see yourself now." I countered and then winced. "Ugh, my eyes."

He shoved me and took the picture. "Very funny. I bet you had an awkward phase."

"Nope. I was always breathtaking."

"More like taking up all the air in the room." He looked at his watch. "It's a little after two. What do you want to do?"

I sat on the edge of his bed. "What do you normally do when you're home?"

"To get the authentic Kendall Knight experience, I would usually smoke and catch up on the TV I missed on tour."

"Is it even legal here?"

Kendall gave a nonchalant shrug. "Carlos' dad is a cop and we smoked at his house." He rooted through a dresser drawer until he found it. "I'm cool with skipping it though."

"I did force you to buy me wine. I don't care."

"Perfect. Let's go back down." He led the way down the stairs but turned to grin at me. "I promise I won't make a move."

* * *

We ended up in his living room with a bottle of wine and worked our way through a few episodes of a true crime doc. We started on opposite ends of the couch. But about an hour in we moved closer. Kendall smoked from a joint and let his arm fall over my shoulder as my head rested on his chest. It was familiar and he clearly felt at home. At one point I texted Liz letting her know I was okay. The afternoon slipped by but I could barely focus on the TV because I kept looking at the pictures that lined the walls. Kendall and his sister throughout the years, his mom, and the guys. There weren't any of his dad, but I knew better than to ask. Kendall had clearly gotten through his awkward phase by the time he was in high school. A picture of him and the guys as teens made me smile. They were all cute and looked normal in their hockey uniforms. It was weird to think that the universe had aligned itself in a way that led to us being friends. If they hadn't gone to those auditions or if I hadn't sent out my own demos, I would have never met a group of hockey players from Minnesota.

I took a picture of it and posted it to my story with the caption, _'Look at these babies'_. When his phone buzzed with the notification, Kendall's lips curled up at the corners. The afternoon passed by as we binged watched our way through the series. Every so often we'd stop to argue different theories but mostly we stayed on the couch with our bodies close. It was cozy and a good way to relax.

"Did we really just watch five hours worth of TV?" Kendall asked as he stretched his arms over his head a while later. "I'm sorry, this must have been boring."

"It was kind of nice. I haven't been somewhere homey in a while, it's refreshing to be somewhere that isn't a hotel or bus."

He pushed himself off the couch. "You probably missed your check in."

"Liz took care of it. But I probably should get going." I went to the door and grabbed my shoes. "I have an exciting night of room service ahead of me."

Kendall debated with himself for a minute and scratched his jaw. "I mean, I was going to make dinner. You could stay?"

"You want to make dinner?" My hip jutted out and I cocked my head. "What's the catch?"

He was already making his way into the kitchen. "No strings attached. Cooking for one person is a hassle and what kind of host would I be if I let you eat room service? I've stayed at that hotel before and I have food poising just thinking about it."

The idea of eating dinner with Kendall was strange to me. During our sham of a relationship, we had been on one date. On the other hand, he knew he wasn't getting a second chance and he hadn't tried anything all afternoon. He kept his promise and didn't make a move once. His hand had stayed on my waist and didn't wander. After thinking it over I decided something homecooked would be a nice change.

"So are you staying?" He was washing his hands. "It's just pasta but I promise it's going to be better than anything you order."

"Anything beats room service. Can I help?"

Kendall waved off my question. "I invited you to stay you don't have to help."

I sat at the kitchen table and watched as he put a pot of water on the stove. "If you say so."

It had been years since I had been in a normal house. I had spent the better part of five years on a bus, in a hotel or in my apartment. Kendall's house felt more like home than any of the foster families I had lived with. We were both quiet as water boiled and rain continued to hit the windows. I scrolled through my phone and saw a few texts from the guys. They were all surprised at the fact that I was at Kendall's. My notifications were no different. Kendall had posted a picture at one point and captioned it _'_ _Home'._ The fans had put two and two together and were having a meltdown.

 _EverythingisElle: Y'all the wallpaper is the same. Is she at his house?!_

"There's wine in the fridge if you want it. Could you pour me one?"

"Always." I was all too happy to open the bottle and I poured two glasses. "I love Liz but ever since LA, she's been down my throat."

"I know I had a lot to do with LA but she has a point." He turned from the stove and reached for the other glass. "Thanks."

His fingers brushed against mine as he took it and I jerked my hand back. As we sat at the table and made our plates it struck me just how coupley this was. It felt very domestic to be having dinner with Kendall at his house. I wondered if this is what things would be like if we had never been famous. The sound of his voice pulled me from my thoughts.

"Sorry what?"

He laughed and pointed to my plate. "Is it okay?"

"You can cook, you play hockey and you sing. What can't you do?"

"This is the extent of my cooking skills. I might be able to make breakfast on a good day." He finished off his wine and refilled both glasses. "It's nice not eating alone."

His grin was genuine and the two of us were leaning across the table. "It is. Are you excited about tomorrow?"

"Performing at home is always cool. The crowd seems more energetic and the album comes out this week. Life is good."

I offered to help him clean up the kitchen and we polished off the rest of the wine and pasta. Kendall smoked the rest of his joint as he put the dishes away. My cheeks were warm and I had a nice buzz in my veins, I saw the keys on the counter and shook my head.

"I don't think I can drive. Does Minnesota have Uber?"

Kendall scoffed. "I can drive you to your hotel. You should sleep."

"You've been smoking, Jett almost killed us once when he drove high. Hard pass." I rubbed my forehead, thinking of the accident. "It's not like it matters, I don't get my sleeping pills for a few more days."

He bit his thumbnail and he avoided my eye. "You could sleep here. I could sleep on the couch."

"That's rude. You didn't come home to sleep on the couch."

It occured to me that he was buzzed too because he kept laughing. "Just sleep with me. Next to me, whatever."

"Are you sure?"

He put his hand on my shoulder. "You're not the only one who can't sleep. Last night was fine, right?"

The clock on the wall told me that it was only nine but I was still feeling drained. "I'll stay if it's okay with you."

"Elle, it's fine. I promise. I'll go grab your stuff."

Once he vanished out the front door I took the chance to send Liz a quick text.

 _Staying at Kendall's for the night. Don't worry, I'm fine._

Her reply was instant. _Is he holding you hostage? I can come get you._

 _It's fine, nothing's going to happen. I'll see you tomorrow._

Once we were upstairs, I got ready for bed and when Kendall came back from brushing his teeth he did a double take. His expression was soft and he chuckled to himself.

"What?"

"I don't know." He leaned against the door. "I'm home but you're here. It's like being home twice. You make me happy and so does being home."

This made my face go warm. "Shut up. I will say that it's been fun."

"Admit it, you missed me." He laid down next to me. "You're happy you're here."

"It's been fun because I got you to cook and I got to see your awkward pictures." I went over to the shelf and held it up. "This almost makes all the bullshit worth it. You really were a geeky kid, weren't you?"

"So fucking rude, Len." He threw a pillow at me. "Maybe I was geeky, but we'd have a cute kid."

This was enough to make me drop the picture but I caught it at the last moment. "Are you drunk or high?"

"Both. But it's true." He was laying on top of the covers and his hands were under his head. "Although you could probably have kids with anyone and they'd be cute."

"Of course, they'd be cute. I'm stunning." I rolled my eyes and joined him. "But I'm glad I'm not having one."

He turned and propped himself up on his elbow. "Me too. I remember when I thought you were, I almost threw up. I said I'd be there or whatever but I was shitting myself."

I remembered that night on the bus well. I had enjoyed making him feel guilty but it must have had an effect on him. Even now his voice was shaking. "I thought you were just saying that to say it."

"I think I heard it in a movie once. All I knew was that you were having my baby and I had shoved you and that you hated me. But then I pictured us being parents and even though I was pissed, I knew I wanted to be there." He stroked his thumb over the back of my hand. "I didn't have a dad or anything but I knew I couldn't be a dick and walk away."

"Such a gentleman." I deadpanned. "No offense, but the best moment of those two weeks when I was gone was when the test was negative."

He laughed at me. "None taken. I could have cried when you said you weren't. I would have done the right thing though."

I squinted a bit, trying to picture us being parents. "I don't know about all of that."

"Seriously, if you wanted it I would have been there. I would have been there for anything you wanted." Kendall shrugged. "I will say, I think two people should be in love before they have a kid though."

All this baby talk was making me uncomfortable. "You're not wrong. I met so many kids in foster care whose parents definitely didn't want them."

He frowned at this and his hand brushed over my stomach. "Well, I would definitely want to have kids someday."

I waited for his hand to slip under my shirt or down my leg. But he just let it rest where it was. It was weird talking about all this stuff. Jett and I had never talked about the future. He'd joke that I'd make a great first wife but that was it. The closest we got to discussing having a family was the one time we thought about getting a dog. It hadn't worked out because he decided his beauty sleep was too important to be ruined by barking.

"I wouldn't have minded having a kid with you one day. If things had worked out I mean."

This made me roll my eyes and scoff. "Yeah, sure."

"What? A little Elle or Kendall would have been cool. A killer singing voice and a hockey prodigy?" He had a wide smile and a distant expression. "It could have been awesome."

The more he talked, the more my eyebrows raised. "You've thought about this a lot."

A red flush crept into his face. "Only a little. Mostly after, you told me you weren't. I was still freaking out even though I knew it was fine. And it's hard to not think about everything that could have been after you fuck up a relationship."

I decided not to tell him that all I pictured was a sign that read "It's a bet!" instead "It's a boy" "It's a girl". But I knew what he meant, when I had been home I thought about what could have been. Going to Europe, meeting his family, telling him I loved him. And it felt stupid in hindsight, but I had pictured us moving in together. But I didn't say any of this.

"I know what you mean." My voice was tight.

His fingers looped through mine. "I saw it. Marriage, a dog, kids."

"So old fashioned." I nudged him.

He agreed with this and his voice was warm. "I'm from the Midwest. I think the best way to show someone you love them is to get married and have a family."

I wrinkled my nose. "I don't want kids."

"Ever?" He sat up a bit and seemed embarrassed. "Really?"

I threw my hands up and searched for the right words. "Nope. My parents were a shitshow, it seems too easy to mess a kid up, and I was pregnant for all of nine weeks and I hated every single second of it."

"Yeah, that's right. He uh, you were-" He winced and covered his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. If anything it just cemented the idea for me." Just thinking about it was making my hands shake. "I'm sure it's exciting if you want that. But it's like the flu but worse. I was always sick, I was dizzy, I could barely perform. Did you know it can make your gums bleed? It's all gross and just kept reminding me of what he did. And I was fat."

This made him shake his head. "I'm sure you weren't fat."

"Well, I felt like it. I had an appointment scheduled but it took care of itself." I sniffed a little and he looked concerned. "Which was fine, that's not why I'm crying. They said I didn't do anything wrong and that it happens. I had no intentions of letting it go any further but it hurt and just proved how much he fucked me up. It was like the universe just wanted me to see how broken I was."

His hand rested on my arm and he held my chin. "I'm sorry that happened to you. You're strong as hell though. You're not broken."

"Thanks." I took the tissue he held out. "Let's just say my one experience with being pregnant was enough to turn me off. I don't want anyone or anything to be able to change my body like that."

He wiped at my eyes. "What about a nice dog?"

This lightened the mood and once he saw that I was laughing he joined in. "I've never had one but sure. It would be cute and a lot less annoying. I can buy them little outfits."

He buried his face in a pillow. "No, you're one of those people."

"One of what people?"

"A small dog person, the best dogs are big ones."

I elbowed him. "You leave my future small dog alone."

"Did he know?" The question came out without thinking and he backpedaled. "Shit. I'm sorry, don't answer that."

I wasn't even sad, just irritated. "He knew. Some magazine got a picture of me leaving the hospital after, I was still showing a little. He wasn't concerned about me of course, just his image. He practically kicked my door down to tell me to get rid of it. In true Jett fashion, he made it about himself and bashed my head into the wall."

Kendall tensed and looked ill. "He did that when he thought you were-?"

"Isn't he sweet?"

"Why didn't you ever press charges? I mean between the video and him being an asshole they'd have to believe you."

I picked at my fingernails and shifted my weight. "People see what they want to see. So when the video came out as a sex tape, that's what they saw it as. Besides, no one believes the girl. He said I was too drunk, his lawyer will say I shouldn't have worn that outfit. I didn't go to the hospital or report it. And there was never any DNA."

He had a sour look on his face and he shook his head. "Because he put you in the tub and-" He was shaking. "I want to kill him.

"It is what is. But I hate that he's free to roam the planet and cause havoc." I rubbed my fists into my eyes. "And if I said anything about the tape it would have looked liked I was deflecting. It's not even what really happened, it's edited."

Kendall's voice was quiet and his eyes were full of worry. "You mean there's more?"

"He made it look like we were just hooking up. There are a good five minutes before it starts where I was telling him to stop." I shuddered thinking about it. "He put it out after I told him I was going to the police."

The label had actually bought the full video from Jett and sued the gossip site that originally posted the short version. That didn't mean that it wasn't still out there or on Jett's phone.

"Well. I think that you're incredibly strong and still the best person I've ever met. Even after all the stuff that's happened to you, you manage to be kind and thoughtful and sweet. I'm sorry he did that to you and I'm sorry for what I did." His gaze was intense and I had to look away. "I believe you and I wish there was something I could do."

"Letting me cry in your bed and making me dinner is nice." I tucked myself under the covers and glanced up at him. "Are you sure this is okay? I'm sorry I got all heavy."

He rubbed circles into my back. "Don't be, if you need to talk I'll listen."

"Right now, I kind of just want to sleep. I promise I'll be out of your hair once my prescription comes in. It's either tomorrow or the day after."

For the first time in a few minutes, his face wasn't pulled into a frown. A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth as he went to the light switch. The room was mostly dark and I felt the bed sink next to me.

"You could never be in my hair. You know that."

"I appreciate that. I feel like I keep showing up drunk in your bed. Given my history, it's probably not the smartest idea." I cringed at my words. "Sorry, bad joke."

"He won't get away with this." His fingers pushed the hair from my face and his thumb rested on my cheek. "I know I haven't been a stand-up guy lately but I'd never do that to you."

My buzz had worn off leaving me tired and with the start of a headache. I nestled my body closer to Kendall's and his arm went to my waist. "I know, I feel safe around you."

"Good." His lips pressed against my hair for a brief moment. "I just want you to be happy, Elle. I'd do anything to make you happy."

His words were sweet and I reached down to squeeze his hand. Laying with him was familiar and comforting even though I was in a different bed, in a different state. It felt like coming home after a long trip. He'd do anything to make me happy, but right now all I needed was this. All I needed was him.

* * *

AN: Kendall and Elle have three more days in Minnesota and seem to be enjoying each other's company. They both saw a future with each other before what happened in New York. I know this was a bit of a filler but I wanted them to just spend time with each other. The next chapter features the two shows in the state. Plus Kendall makes a few bold moves in proving himself to Elle. What was your favorite part of this chapter? Mine was the wake up scene and where they talk about Jett.

Again, thank you for waiting this long! The next chapter will be up soon. Until then, stay tuned and maybe drop a nice review?

Thanks!


	32. Chapter 32

AN: Hello, Rushers! I'm back with a new update. Thanks for sticking around. This chapter continues to follow Elle and BTR in Minnesota. The album release is getting closer and so are Kendall and Elle. I hope you enjoy this update and let me know what you think! Thank you.

PS: I recommend you check out Everything Has Changed by Heffron Drive! You'll see. :)

* * *

Despite what he had claimed last night, Kendall definitely could cook. I had woken up alone in bed and very confused for a moment, but the sounds of him in the kitchen lured me downstairs. His hair stuck up at odd angles and he was just in pajama pants. It felt like I had woken up in some alternate universe where there was no Big Time Rush and we were a normal couple.

"Morning." He greeted through a yawn as he stirred a large bowl. "How's it going?"

I waved and stretched my arms over my head. "I had no idea where I was when I woke up."

"Same. I actually thought I had dreamt up the band and being on tour and was still in high school this morning."

I joined him at the stove and peeked into the bowl. "Waffles?"

"I was thinking pancakes?"

"There's no way this relationship ever would have worked if you think pancakes are better."

Kendall put down the batter and rummaged around the cabinets beneath him. "The things I do for you."

"I consider myself lucky."

He got back on his feet and plugged in the waffle iron he had found. "You should."

We were quiet as the waffles cooked and I drummed my fingers against the side of my mug. Once again, I found myself waking up with Kendall. It had happened more than I would have liked it too. He reached past me to open a cabinet. I was wedged between him and the counter and he held my gaze for a moment. He wasn't subtle when his eyes dropped to my mouth. I ducked under his arm and cleared my throat, breaking the tension.

"Y-Your mom gets home tonight, you excited?"

He blinked a few times and let out a breath. "I haven't seen her in a few months, so yeah. But I'm sure she'll chew me out for the whole bet and pictures thing."

"I can't say I have much sympathy."

"I never said you had too." He was matter of fact about this. "I don't necessarily deserve it."

"She's your mom, she's probably just worried."

"She'll go on and on about how she raised me to treat women with respect. Which is true and I'm not proud of what I did, but I feel bad enough. Especially knowing what I do now."

"Well, if it helps, tell her you made me waffles."

He snorted. "If I had known waffles would have fixed things I would have made them ages ago."

I grinned as I reached up to grab a plate. "You can make them the rest of tour."

"Consider it done."

* * *

After insisting I help clean up because I wasn't a bad guest, Kendall and I headed out for the venue. I was surprised when he opened the door and three paparazzi were camped out on the sidewalk. Inwardly, I groaned, the last thing I needed was the world thinking I was back together with him. Kendall simply pushed through them and led me to the car. The questions were impossible to ignore.

"Elle, are you back together with Kendall?"

"Have you forgiven him?"

"Are you dating?"

I could see that his jaw was tensed as he opened my door. I pulled my hood over my head and covered my face as he backed out of the driveway. Once we were on the road he turned to me and frowned.

"I'm sorry about that. There's _never_ been press outside our houses when we're home."

In the side mirror, I could see their cameras were still flashing. "Occupational hazard."

When we got to the venue the press was there too. Normally, I traveled by myself without security if I was going somewhere casual. It hadn't even occurred to me that I'd need it in a small town like this. I was grateful to see them keeping the press at bay. We walked into the lounge area and the guys all greeted us.

"Bro, are they at your house?" Carlos was incredulous as he held out his phone. "That's fucked up."

Kendall was still scowling. "Yeah. I don't know how they figured out she was there."

"I shared that stupid picture of you guys and you posted something on your story. The fans matched the damn wallpaper."

"That's dedication."

"No, it's distracting." Gustavo was loud as he joined us. "The album comes out tomorrow, we don't have time for this. It's a full schedule today."

Kelly was handing out copies of the itinerary. "He's right you guys, you have interviews in two hours, soundcheck and a meet and greet. Elle, Liz is waiting for you in makeup. Guys, Griffin is waiting on a conference call."

I split up from the guys and made my way to my dressing room. Liz was typing away on her phone and did a double take when she saw me.

"Are you okay? I saw the video from Kendall's."

"Already?" I asked as I clicked on the kettle. "I'm fine, it happens all the time."

"I have a Google alert for your name, I see everything."

"Big Brother, much?"

"Concerned manager. How was last night?"

I knew well enough to know what she was really asking. "We didn't sleep together. We had too much wine and I wasn't going to let him drive me home high."

"Thank god to both of those things. I don't think I can handle him being lovesick or having to get paramedics and an entire hospital to sign a non-disclosure."

"It wasn't that serious, but the concern is touching."

Liz wasn't having any of my laid back attitude. "You ended up with stitches that night. I watched that doctor do twenty of them."

"It was twenty altogether. I ended up with three, not three thousand." I rolled my eyes and brushed the tiny scar that was hidden in my hairline. "He's the one who got seventeen."

"Serves him right. But seriously, are you okay? I was worried all last night."

"It was fine, he made me dinner, we watched a show and went to bed." I climbed into the makeup chair. "I actually slept through the night."

She shook her head. "Well, your prescription is able to be picked up before we head out to the next stop. As far as today goes, keep it positive and supportive for Big Time Rush. Gustavo wants to focus on the music and not the personal."

I gave a thumbs up as the makeup artist got to work. "Nothing personal, got it."

* * *

My plan to stay away from the personal details was dashed when I walked into the lounge. Carlos and James' family were here and my stomach twisted. I had really hoped to avoid meeting them. I was sure they were as nice as their sons but I didn't relish in the fact that they had probably seen me naked. But if they had, they didn't show it.

"Elle, get over here." Carlos waved me over. "These are my parents and brother."

I shook hands with a woman who introduced herself as Sylvia and his dad Erik. His brother Javi was an older and taller version of Carlos. It was easy to see where Carlos got his friendly nature from because his mom started fussing over me as if I was one of her own kids.

"Carlos has told me all about you. He says you can't sleep at night, I use this lavender spray and helps me go right to bed." She was rooting around her purse. "I brought you some, just a quick spray on your pillow and you'll be out."

I was touched and took the small bottle. "You have no idea how much I need this. Thank you."

James' mom was easy to spot, I had some of her skincare line. James was nervous to introduce me and after hearing stories about her all tour, I couldn't blame him. She narrowed her eyes and gave me a once over.

"You must me Elle, James has been going on about you all summer. Brooke Diamond of Brooke Diamond Cosmetics."

I shook her hand. "It's nice to meet you. I actually have most of your skincare line in travel sizes."

She had the same impressed face James would make. "You do look particularly radiant. And I like the fact that you don't shy away from scandal, I'm on the west coast now. Maybe we could discuss a brand deal."

"Mom, not now." James chided under his breath.

"Liz handles all that stuff but I'm sure she'd want to discuss it." This was good enough for her because she made a beeline towards Liz. I turned to James and let out a breath. "Did I pass?"

"She complimented you twice, that's more than any girl I've dated." The smile fell off his face. "Speaking of dating girls, here comes my dad and his child bride of a wife."

James' dad was easy to spot, he was a total silver fox and had his arm around a small redhead. James hugged his dad and the woman he was with. She appeared to be only a few years older than I was.

"Elle, this is my dad and Bridget."

It was clear to see where James got his charisma and looks. His dad gazed at me with the same hazel eyes and smirk. "Noah, pleasure's mine. I gotta say, I love the music."

"I have all your albums." Bridget gushed and shook my hand. "Hi, I can't believe Jamie gets to tour with you."

"I can't believe I get to tour with _Jamie_ ," I said in the same high pitched voice and he groaned. "It's nice to meet you."

His dad shifted uneasily. "We're gonna go get coffee before your mom sees us. We're still on for the gym though, right?"

James and his dad pounded fists. "I have some interviews first, but yeah."

"Nice to meet you, Elle." His dad gave me another once over and grinned. "See you around."

They left quickly after that and James pinched the bridge of his nose. "Sorry. My dad's a flirt and my mom is career driven."

"It's cute, you're very much your parents' kid. Is he really married to her though?"

"His old secretary, I swear she was 23 when I was 15. And she calls me Jamie."

I pinched his cheek. "For what it's worth I think Jamie is a pretty cute nickname."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll start calling you Ellie if you keep it up."

The horror of this was enough to make me jokingly shove him before walking away. I went to grab my tea and passed Kendall who was on his phone.

"You okay? Where's your mom?"

"Their flight gets in at 2, so I have a while to prepare myself." He nodded to James' dad. "I see you met Mr. Diamond."

I sat down next to him. "So I did, he was definitely staring at my chest."

"I saw."

His face was tense and I laughed. "Are you jealous?"

He scoffed at this. "No. I don't want you to become James' next stepmom."

"God no, then I would have made out with my stepson. That's disgusting."

"Not to mention another person to be jealous of."

"So you admit you're jealous?" I teased, raising an eyebrow.

Kendall stood from the couch and rolled his eyes. "Let's just say my eyes are green for more than one reason."

With that, he wandered over to James, but not before flashing me a smile. It sent a familiar thrill through me and I couldn't help but return it. Maybe being just friends wasn't so bad after all.

Logan called me over as he walked in the room. "These are my parents, Joanna and Steven. Guys, this is Elle."

"Hi, nice to meet you guys." I smiled and shook their hands. "How are you?"

"So much better now that Logan's home. I keep trying to get him to move back home but I can't seem to convince him." Joanna explained as she fixed her son's hair. "But I guess he's busy in California chasing after girls."

"A young man has to have his secrets, let him live." His dad stepped between them. "Nice to meet you too. I've heard a lot about you"

I shifted uneasily, I wondered what they really thought about the girl who had made out with their son and his friends. But he seemed genuine enough so I just turned to Logan. "I think it'd be nice if you moved home. So far, Minnesota is growing on me."

"Don't encourage her." Logan rubbed his forehead. "And I bet it is."

"See, Elle seems like a smart, young girl. You should find someone like her instead of those crazy actresses. I'm not getting any younger and I want grandkids."

Logan coughed on a mouthful of water. "I'm 22, there's plenty of time for that."

Steven shook his head and turned to me. "So, Logan tells me you're from Arizona? That must be completely different from here."

"Well, it's a lot hotter and there's a lot more sand. I appreciate how green it is here and the fact that it gets cold. I think I've seen snow maybe six times in my life."

The three of them laughed at this. "Really?"

I shrugged. "Yep, I've always wanted to though. My birthday's in December and you always see people ice skating in Christmas movies, I think it'd be nice."

Across the room, Kendall was talking to James' stepmom but looking at me. He pulled a face and I laughed a little. Logan's mom was going on about just how cold it got during the winter and touched my arm.

"If you ever want to see a real white Christmas you'd be more than welcome to join us. We'd love to have you."

"Thank you, that's really sweet."

His parents spotted Carlos' mom and dad across the room and excused themselves, leaving just me and Logan.

"Your parents are cute. I don't know why you ended up so dorky."

"I prefer the term geeky thank you very much. I'm sorry she implied she wants you to give her grandchildren."

"I can't say I blame her. I'm pretty outstanding."

"And humble too."

"Always." I clapped him on the shoulder. "Now, I have to go rescue Liz from James' mom."

* * *

Shortly after meeting all the parents, Gustavo had herded us into wardrobe and into the interview room. I was seated between James and Carlos as we sat through one after the other. They were all pretty standard, the guys were promoting their album which came out tomorrow at midnight.

"I think excited is an understatement." James was animated as he responded to a question. "This is our fifth album."

"For sure, we've worked hard on our new sound and we're anxious for the fans to hear it." Logan cut in and gestured to the room. "This is how everything started for all of us here in Minnesota so it feels full circle to release the newest record here."

Carlos laughed at this and pointed to me. "Well, she's kind of a tag along but she's funny so we keep her around."

The interviewer pointed to me. "How are you liking Minnesota?"

I smiled and tried not to roll my eyes at the fact that I had answered this question in the past four interviews. "It's definitely really nice. I've never spent so much time in one place on tour. It's nice not to have to sleep on a moving bus."

I regretted phrasing my answer this way because she instantly shifted her gaze to Kendall. "Speaking of sleeping. Your fans are stalkers and seemed to piece together that you stayed the night at Kendall's. Are you two back together?"

Kendall shook his at this and let me speak. "My fans are dedicated, not stalkers." I tried to keep my tone light, "And no, we're not together. Who knows, maybe I'll stay the night at Logan's house tonight. Your mom seemed to like me, right?"

"I'm going to get a phone call after this interview because she'll think you're serious." He teased and attempted to steer the conversation away from this. "What kind of tourmates would we be if we made Elle sleep in a hotel?"

Kendall had been quiet throughout most of the interviews today but finally spoke. "We're just friends and our album is more important."

"For sure, I would have let Elle crash at my house but I don't think she was ready to meet all of my family." Carlos put his arm around my shoulders. "You did miss out on some great food though."

"Next time." I was thankful for the save.

The interviewer seemed to at a loss for words after being shut down and directed away from the gossip. She shuffled her notecards and started asking James about tonight's show. I finally let out a breath I had been holding. When I caught Kendall's eye he looked apologetic but also relieved. It was clear we weren't dating and wanted to avoid bringing any more drama to the tour. That had been our last interview for the day and I was grateful. Answering the same questions over and over again was draining. Liz still hadn't agreed to me simply handing out a list of prewritten answers after all these years. And Gustavo was wary of a press conference because they could get out of hand. Either way, I was glad to be done for the day. I hadn't appreciated how she called my fans stalkers. Sure, matching the wallpaper in two pictures was a little strange but it showed how dedicated they were.

Soundcheck, much like the interviews, meant being on autopilot. But it was touching to watch the guys be so excited about playing their hometown venue. James told me how he sat in the nosebleed seats watching bands as a kid and knew he wanted to do that. And soon enough it was time. Fans had filled the venue after standing in the rain for hours, They were genuinely the most excited crowd I had seen all summer and that was really saying something. Their excitement grew as I reached the end of my set.

"Minnesota! Your love is my drug, thank you for having me." I was dripping with sweat and waved to the crowds. "Now get ready for your hometown favorites, Big Time Rush!"

When I came offstage the guys were all dressed and ready. This was an unusual sight, normally they were scrambling to get dressed. They must have been eager to get out there. Logan was peeking around to see the fans.

"I swear, I never get nervous before shows. But there's something about being back home that gets me."

Carlos and James had joined him. "Remember in 9th grade how your mom bought us tickets for Green Day?"

"Hell yeah," James pointed to the right side of the venue. "We sat right there and it was the best night of my life. It still wild that we get to perform here."

"Aww, maybe you losers do deserve your own day." I pretended to wipe away a tear. "But seriously, I'm proud of you."

It wasn't long before the crowd was chanting Big Time Rush and the lights had lowered. I watched as they all ran onstage to a deafening amount of screams.

"It's good to be home! What's up, Minnesota?"

I lingered for a while but eventually had to change so I could join them onstage. Their set went well, the fans had organized a project and spelled out 'Welcome Home' in the arena. Their smiles were brighter than the stage lights and it warmed my heart to see them be treated like this, they deserved it. Even Kendall, who had been treated just like his friends had been. As their set ended, their families gathered backstage. I took this as a chance to sneak out so they could privately celebrate.

I slipped out the back door to smoke. The rain had let up leaving puddles in the parking lot, it was cooler than the stuffy backstage area and I savored the feeling of nicotine in my lungs. I couldn't help but smile. While I wasn't one for praise, even though I joked about wanting my own day, it was nice to see my friends get the credit they deserved. I was making a mental list of ways to show them how proud I was when the door opened. I jumped at the sudden sound.

"Oh, hey." I turned and saw Kendall coming out, cigarettes in hand. "My bad. I can go, it's just hot inside."

"No, you just scared me. Uh, good show."

He smiled mostly to himself. "They didn't boo."

I shook my head. "No, they didn't. I'm happy for you."

He was patting himself for a lighter. "Really?"

I tossed him mine and nodded. "You did a bad thing, you're not a bad person. If everyone was judged based off of one mistake, there'd be no good people in the world."

Kendall seemed embarrassed and looked at his shoes as he smoked. "Thanks, that means a lot."

We puffed away in silence and for a brief moment, it felt like the good old days. I could still remember the first time we smoked pressed against the wall of Rocque Records. He handed me my lighter and pointed towards the doors.

"You were good as always." He scratched at his scruff. "Not that I'm surprised."

"Thank you. What are the guys up to?"

"They probably left already. Family stuff."

"Speaking of, your mom is here right?"

Kendall grimaced at this, he had left after our soundcheck to get them from the airport. "And Katie. They think I'm showering, my mom would give me another earful if she saw me smoking."

I laughed at this. "What a rebel. I can only imagine what it was like for her to chase after you and the guys."

"I owe her a vacation or something." He stubbed out his cigarette. "I better shower."

"Your mom and Liz can go together. We'll send them to the Bahamas." I walked past him as he held the door open. "And yeah, you smell like an ashtray. Go shower."

Kendall rolled his eyes but took off for his dressing room. Liz was nowhere to be found but Kendall's sister spotted me right away.

"Elle, hey."

I waved and swallowed hard. "Katie, how are you?"

"Regretting leaving LA to come to wet ass Minnesota."

My laugh was soft and I tried to read her face. I wasn't sure if she would be too thrilled with the girl who caused so much drama for her brother. But she didn't seem too bothered as she complimented me on my set and my album. We talked a little bit about the business side of things and she was just as well versed as Liz was. She was in the middle of talking about how I could increase my sales in Europe when she was cut off.

"Have you seen your brother? He's been gone a-" She paused and blinked hard. "Oh, hello."

The knot in my stomach was back and I bit my lip. "Hi."

"You must be Elle, I'm Jen." She shook my hand and I wasn't sure what to make of her tone. "How are you?"

"I'm okay. It's nice to meet you." I was tripping over my words. "Sorry, I'll just, I should go."

Jen turned to Katie. "Do you want to go find your brother?"

"Finally, I didn't fly across the country to stand backstage." She waved to me. "Nice seeing you again, seriously though, let me talk to Liz some time."

I returned the goodbye and shifted my weight. "Nice meeting you, Mrs. Knight."

"Wait." She held up her hand to stop me. She cleared her throat like she was unsure of how to continue. "I just wanted to introduce myself and apologize for my son's behavior."

"Oh, uh-"

This was unexpected. I had expected some kind of berating for ruining her son's image but instead, she looked embarrassed and reached out to touch my arm in a way that reminded me of Liz.

"Are you okay? I know that's probably a stupid question but I've been worried about you. Kendall never should have treated you like that and definitely never should have put his hands on you. I raised him better than that and I'm sorry." She lowered her voice a bit. "You're so strong and so brave. And I know it's weird to say but I'm proud of you and I was pulling for you."

This woman had reduced me to tears and I sniffed a little. "Thank you, uh, I'm sorry that he got tangled up in my mess."

"Don't be, it was his fault. You seem really close to his friends and I'm glad you're okay."

I ducked my head. "Thank you. He's a good guy other than what happened. You should be proud of him."

"I don't know about that, he can be a dick sometimes." Katie scoffed as she rejoined us. "He's getting dressed."

The serious mood seemed to have disappeared and I decided to excuse myself. "It was nice meeting you Mrs. Knight, and nice seeing you, Katie. I should get to my hotel."

"Do you have plans?" Katie questioned as I started off to my dressing room. "I mean, the show's over and the other guys are gone."

"Just to order takeout and go back to the hotel."

His mom shook her head. "Do you want to stay for dinner?"

This was a sweet, albeit, surprising invitation. "No, no, I don't want to intrude. You should spend some family time together."

"No way. I'm making pot roast and you could use some real food."

"Uh, sure. Only if it's okay with Kendall."

"If what's okay with me?"

I turned and saw Kendall heading towards us I had to do a double take. He had shaved away the thick and unkempt beard he had grown while I had been away. He had changed out of his black hoodie and into a reasonable looking shirt and he had styled his hair instead of letting it limply hang in his face.

"Mom invited Elle to dinner."

"Did you say yes?"

I nodded and wrung my hands together. "Is that okay?"

"Sure, great." His lips twitched as he tried to fight a smile. "It's totally okay."

"Well, I'll go get my stuff." I jerked my thumb over my shoulder. "Thanks, Mrs. Knight."

I hurried towards my dressing room wondering what the hell I just agreed to. His mom was super nice and here I was about to eat dinner at his house. I changed into normal clothes and grabbed my purse and phone. Liz was waiting when I came out of the bathroom, she noticed my clothes weren't the sweats I usually put on.

"Where are you going?"

I wasn't sure why my hands were shaking as I brushed my hair. "Uh, Kendall's. His mom invited me to dinner."

Liz pulled her eyebrows together and looked up from her phone. "What? Am I being punked?"

"No." My laugh was breathless. "She apologized for Kendall being a dick and invited me to eat dinner."

"So, you're meeting his mom, going to dinner at his house and he shaved his depression beard for you?" She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "That sounds like part of some scheme to get you to like him."

"I don't think he shaved for me. And I'm not going to like him again. I told you and him that I'm done with that."

She watched with a suspicious eye as I put on a little lipstick. "I don't know. You stayed over, he cooked for you, you met his mom and you're having dinner. If you come back tomorrow with a ring on your finger I'm fighting him in the parking lot."

I chuckled at this and checked my reflection once more. "Goodnight, Liz."

Kendall was waiting where I left him and pressed his lips together. "You look nice."

"Thank you. Where's your mom?"

"They headed back to the house. Ready to go?"

I followed him out of the venue and into the car. We passed Liz who subtly clenched her fists and glared at Kendall, I snorted at this and simply let Kendall open the door for me. She did make a valid point, it did seem very coupley for two people who weren't dating. Kendall seemed relaxed as we drove, he even sang along to the radio.

"You shaved." I pointed out. "And styled your hair."

He rubbed a hand over his jaw. "I figured I should clean myself up a bit. My mom would kill me if I looked this messy."

"It looks good."

He changed lanes and glanced over at me. "I'm glad you said yes to dinner."

"You are?"

He kept his eyes on the road but his cheeks were noticeably red. "I wanted you to meet my mom."

"Why?"

He shrugged and bit his lip. "I know I'm not getting a second chance or anything. But I want you to trust me again and see who I actually am. So I wanted you to meet my family and I cleaned up to make a good impression on you."

This confession caused my heart to tighten in my chest. I wasn't sure what to say so I touched his cheek. "Well, you clean up nicely."

* * *

His house was even homier with his mom and sister in it. The table had been set and it smelled a million times better than takeout ever could. Dinner was ready when we got there and Kendall sat across from me. He kept catching my eye over the table as Katie caught him up on her life. His mom asked that I called her Jen and was welcoming.

"So you're from New Mexico?"

"Arizona, Mom. Phoenix." Kendall corrected her.

"Yep, from Phoenix." I waved my hand. "But Arizona, New Mexico, they're all the same. Hot and boring."

Jennifer had put her fork down. "Maybe it's because it gets to below freezing here, but I wouldn't mind living there."

"We only come back for Christmas." Katie chimed in. "She hates the cold. I blame Kendall, he made her spend every weekend at an ice rink."

"So disrespectful, Kendall. But seriously I would have given anything to live somewhere cold as a kid. I'm going to crash your holiday this winter." I told his mom. "There's something about it being dry and sunny really ruins Christmas carols. _Baby It's Cold Outside_ doesn't have the same appeal when you're sweating."

She laughed at this. "I will trade you any day. I'll leave the key under the doormat for you."

Across the table, Kendall watched us with a small smile as we finished dinner. The rain had picked up and a breeze blew through the windows. His mom had busied herself at the sink,

"Tea?" She asked coming back in. "There's milk, sugar, honey, and lemon."

Kendall spoke before I could. It was nonchalant. "Honey and cold water."

The way his mom looked from his face to mine made my cheeks go warm. "Honey and cold water, got it."

"Thank you, Mrs. Knight."

The kettle whistled and she went back to the kitchen and Katie snickered. "Do you know her blood type too, Kendall?"

"Shut up." He grumbled. "She drinks it every day."

After our tea, I insisted that I'd help Katie with the dishes. I thanked Jen for having for me and for the tea. Kendall was lugging the suitcases upstairs and she hugged me.

"It really was nice to meet you. Come over anytime, even back in LA."

"Thank you again, goodnight."

With that, I rolled up my sleeves and washed while Katie dried. We talked a little bit more about the business side of things and how she had applied to work at my record label.

"If it helps, I could put in a good word with Danielle." I handed her a wet plate. "But wouldn't you want to work at Rocque Records?"

She shrugged. "I could. But why work for a man when I could work for a badass woman?"

"Right on. But seriously, just let me know. Dani's all about female empowerment."

She glanced over her shoulder and leaned in. "So, my brother likes you."

"I know. I'm not stringing him along or anything. I just didn't want to be rude to your mom."

Katie shook her head. "String him along, I don't care. He needs knocked down a few pegs. He was a dick to you. I'm sorry my brother's a complete moron sometimes. I swear he took a hockey puck to the head or something."

This reminded me of when I first met her and she had been on my side right away. "That would explain a lot. But aren't you mad I dragged him into that whole mess? I tweeted about him and Jo."

"Like I said, a complete moron. It's not your fault he lied to everyone. He shouldn't have said those things to you or shared those pictures." She seemed thoroughly angered. "Besides, Jo was irritating. She was too nice."

I was quiet for a long minute. "Does he really like me?"

"It's so gross. He was hoping you'd come to dinner and he knows everything about you. He dated Jo for years and still had to ask what her coffee order was." She checked over her shoulder again. "I don't want to bring up old shit but he called me when everything happened. I had to talk him down. He was a mess, he was talking about going after you, he just kept asking how to fix things. Of course, I told him not to be a fucking pig. He has some lowkey anger management issues."

The thought of Kendall's behavior made my hands shake as I did the dishes. He had confessed that he was going to hurt himself if I hadn't made it. All I could do was listen as Katie kept talking.

"A prime example is when he went to James' audition. He was a dick and called Gustavo a turd. Security kicked him out and he got brought home by the cops with the guys." We both laughed at this. "But anyway, he likes you a lot. Before you even got together he would talk about you the entire time we were on the phone."

This made my face grow hot and I focused on the dishwater. "He talked about me?"

"Elle's new song is totally about me having a crush on her. I do not have a crush on her, who does she think she is?" She mocked his voice and I snorted. "He was a total girl about it. When you made out with the guys he was texting me about it. I thought it was gross because those losers are like my brothers, but Kendall was pouting. I see the way he looks at you though, it'd be cute if it wasn't him. When I went to find him he made choose a shirt for him to wear tonight."

"And he shaved." I mused. "He's been growing that beard for a while."

"This was definitely some scheme to impress you. My brother's a good guy other than the pictures. I know it sounds like I'm just saying that but it's true. Do you what you want though."

She had been more honest than I thought she'd be. "Thanks."

"I'm going to bed." She tossed the dish towel onto the counter. "I'll bully Kendall into putting these away."

"You'll bully me into what?"

Katie pointed to the dish rack. "Put those away. Night, Elle."

I waved and we watched as she went upstairs. Kendall shook his head at my pruney fingers. "You didn't have to do the dishes."

"Your mom invited me over, it'd be rude if I didn't. I was surprised she did."

He was putting things back where they belonged and raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"I don't know. If some girl made people hate _my_ son, I wouldn't invite her over."

"My mom likes you, and trust me she's on your side."

"Well, I think she's sweet. And Katie."

"Don't encourage them. I'm already outnumbered."

I pouted and wiped away a fake tear. "Poor you."

He reached around me to put the last stack of plates away. "I know, it's a tragedy."

I was between him and the sink and his hand brushed against my hip. "It was nice having dinner with them."

"It was nice seeing you with my family. They liked you."

His eyes were warm and his other hand held onto my arm. My breathing had picked up and my throat was tight as he glanced at my lips. His family definitely weren't the only ones who liked me.

"Everyone likes me." I teased and rocked on the balls of my feet. "I can't help it."

He gave a short laugh and shook his head. "That's true. Do you want to stay the night?"

"Is your mom okay with you having girls in your bed?"

"Just because I grew up here doesn't mean I'm a kid."

Our faces were inches apart and I could feel his breath on my cheek. "Fine, but as long as you sleep next to me, not with me."

"I think I can manage."

When I came out of the shower back to his room, he was scribbling in a notebook. I cleared my throat and he blinked rapidly.

"So, it occurred to me midshower that Liz moved my stuff to the hotel." I looked down at the towel I was wrapped in. "Sorry."

He shook his head and made a point to stare only at my face. "No, uh, one second."

After rooting around in his dresser, he tossed me a teeshirt and shorts. I gestured for him to turn around and pulled on the clothes. The shirt was a faded reddish orange and _Shakopee High School Varsity Hockey_ was written across the front. It hung down to my thighs and off one shoulder. When he turned around, Kendall smirked.

"See something you like?"

He crossed the room and nodded to the shirt. "It's just weird. Seeing Elle Harper in my old hockey shirt in my high school bedroom."

"The dream of high school boys everywhere." I climbed into bed as he hit the lights. "For what it's worth, I never would have thought I'd be in some hockeyhead's bedroom in the middle of a soldout tour."

Kendall laid down next to me, his arm around my waist and his forehead pressed to mine. "The universe is funny that way, you know, bringing people together."

Even in the darkness of his room, I could still make out the stupid smile he wore. For the first time in weeks, he was his old self and I couldn't help but smile back. And just like that, I fell asleep, pressed against Kendall and breathing in the smell of his soap. I savored the way he clung to my body. If we could just stay like this, maybe things would end up okay.

* * *

The next morning was a frenzied rush. We had overslept and hurried to leave the house. There was no time for waffles and banter. I barely had time to pull my hair into a semblance of order and tug on my jeans. Thankfully, the press had been banned from the neighborhood so we didn't have to fight our way to the car. But at the venue, they swarmed outside and snapped away. Inside, the guys were already dressed and getting their hair done. They were obviously curious and this only piqued when they saw me.

"Los, get a load of this." James pointed at me. "That's a throwback isn't it?"

Carlos grinned and got Logan's attention. "I feel like Coach Carter is going to make us do drills."

Logan seemed surprised and I huffed. "What are you talking about?"

"Your shirt." Carlos snickered. "Did you stay at Kendall's or did we secretly play on the same hockey team?"

I glanced down and realized I was still in his old shirt. "I was the best player on the team. You're just jealous and blocked out the memory."

"If you say so. I think you stayed at Kendall's."

I tried to distract myself and made tea. "I had dinner with his mom and Katie. Nothing happened?"

"You had dinner with his mom? That doesn't seem like nothing."

"Whatever. You guys are nosey" I scowled and headed to my dressing room. "I'll see you, idiots, later."

The questions didn't end there though, Liz picked up my left hand as soon as I walked in. She squinted at me and then held up her phone. There was a picture of me from just a few minutes ago. I was wearing Kendall's shirt and he held the door open for me.

"Fucking google alerts," I muttered.

 _KendelleUpdates: Elle and Kendall just got to the venue for day 2. It looks like she's wearing his old high school shirt. I think she slept over again!_

I shook my head and scrolled this account had been keeping tabs on me and Kendall. They had tweeted last night.

 _KendelleUpdates: So, Liz is at the hotel but Elle isn't? Is she meeting Kendall's mom and sister?_

"My fans are dedicated not stalkers." Liz mimicked as she took her phone back. "I don't see a ring but you're late."

I was sitting in the makeup chair. "Nothing happened. We overslept."

"You had dinner with his mom and sister. You're wearing his shirt. Now, I don't care who you date I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I like him, I do. But I don't see him that way anymore. I can't." I tugged at the collar. "Everyone thinks we're going to get back together but we're not. We can be friends you know."

Liz didn't seem to believe me but dropped it. "BTR's album is out at midnight so it's a limited press day for you. Gustavo wants the attention on them. At noon you have an interview with them. But..."

She rattled off my schedule but it went in one ear and out the other. My eyes were glued to my phone. I was looking at that fan account. Someone had snuck a picture of us at the grocery store. I was browsing the shelf for the wine I had forced Kendall to buy me. He was biting his thumbnail and had this soft smile on his face that made my stomach swoop.

 _KendelleUpdates: He still looks at her like she's the whole world. #Ihavechestpains_

I let out a long sigh and looked around the room. He passed by my door and I caught his eye, his entire face brightened and he gave a small wave. I couldn't help but return it. As much as I hated to admit it, it gave me chest pains too.

* * *

My day proved to be an easy one. I had a single interview to do with the guys, my soundcheck and then the show. I also had to do a little bit of social media promotion but that was easy. I was ushered into the same room as yesterday and sat at the end of the couch. Kendall sat at the other end. I wondered if Gustavo and Liz had done that on purpose.

"I'm Cece Nicholson from Pop Sound coming to you from Minnesota! There's a big-time excitement because Big Time Rush's fifth album _Don't Stop_ comes out at midnight. I'm here with the guys and Elle Harper to get all the details. You have to be excited."

Logan looked at his watch. "11 hours, 47 minutes to go. Not that we're counting or anything."

Cece laughed at this. "Your fifth album. That must feel like quite the accomplishment."

"It's crazy to think that we've been doing this for that long. I think this album is by far the best, it's more mature, we had a big hand in writing it." James rubbed his hands against his legs. "I'm nervous and excited all at the same time for the fans to hear it."

She asked about their favorite songs, how many songs had the fans heard so far, and if people could expect a world tour.

"I'd be down for Europe and South America." Carlos agreed right away. "We haven't been there for almost a year."

"Maybe we could finally get to Asia again." James turned to me. "Could we rope you into coming with us?"

I smiled coyly. "Perhaps. I'm kind of loving Minnesota though."

"Speaking of Minnesota. How's it feel to be back home?"

"That's one of the best parts of this album release. We get to do it at home with our families around. James is throwing a party at his mom's place just like the good old days."

"Yeah, being home is always good. It reminds me of where I came from." Kendall was a little wistful. "I get back to my real self."

"It seems like you've seen a bit of the town since you've been here." Cece was speaking to me with a knowing look. "You posted a picture of the guys in their younger days."

I tried not to think of waking up in Kendall's bed, having dinner with his family, or seeing his old pictures. "Like I said, it's nice here. It's been cool seeing where these guys grew up. It's sweet."

The interview wrapped up shortly after that. I tweeted about how excited I was for the album to come out and reminded my fans to stream it at midnight. Just after soundcheck, I pulled the guys into a picture.

"I'm promoting you dorks, smile."

"Make sure you get my good side." James fixed his hair in my screen's reflection. "Okay, go for it."

I posted a picture of the five of us to my Instagram with the caption. "Just a few more hours until you can stream _Don't Stop_!."

That wasn't the last of my promotions. Just like they did for me, I pulled the guys onto the stage near the end of my set. The fans were loud as they walked out. Kendall and I hadn't been onstage together for weeks. He seemed shy as he hugged me after his friends.

"You know who these guys are, you know why I brought them out here. But in case you've been living under a rock, these are my friends Carlos, James, Kendall, and Logan. Their album _Don't Stop_ comes out in just a few hours. What are you guys going to do?"

"Stream it!"

"That's right! Stream it, buy it, tweet about it! They've worked so hard and it's an amazing album." I turned to them. "I'm so proud of you guys."

We had a big group hug and they stayed on stage for my last song and sang with me. Singing with the four of them felt like the earlier part of tour before there had been any drama. The fans were living for it.

"I don't care what they all say the rush is worth the price I pay." I gave Kendall a private glance from my side of the stage. "I get so high when you're with me but crash and crave you when you leave. Is my love your drug?"

He ducked his head and I laughed as I danced with his friends. Confetti rained down on us and the song came to an end after the last chorus.

"Minnesota, your love is my drug! I'm Elle Harper, thank you for having me." I took a bow and waved. "Don't forget to stream _Don't Stop_!"

With a final blast of confetti, I ran offstage and wiped the sweat from my face. The guys thanked me for the shoutout and I shook my head.

"You're my best friends, anytime." I gestured to my sweaty body. "Break a leg, I'm going to get cleaned up for later."

* * *

Their show went well, they were clearly excited about the album. Kendall even stayed on stage when I came back out. We were all in good moods and by the time the show ended around 10 they were nearly bursting with impatient enthusiasm. James' mom was throwing a party at her large house out in the suburbs. James had headed over for a final check and the guys had gone to Carlos' to pregame and get ready. I was looking forward to the party despite Liz's nerves.

"Please be careful. Not to sound like your mom. I trust the guys but Kendall's been flirty." Liz reasoned from behind the door. "I just don't want him to get too bold because of the sleepovers and try anything."

"Or else you'd really have to fight him." I deadpanned as I came out of the bathroom. "I love you and your concern. But I'll be okay, you'll be there, Gustavo and Kelly and a hundred other people. He knows there's no second chance."

She sighed and tucked my hair behind my ears. "If you say so. But for what it's worth, I'm happy you're happy."

"Aww, Liz. You big softie." I elbowed her and hugged her. "Thank you. You better have fun tonight."

She tutted at this. "One of us has to be responsible. Besides, you know I prefer to save my fun for my post-tour vacation."

"How could I forget? I still have that drunk video you sent me from Greece."

"Alright, alright. I have a few phone calls to make. I'll let you know when we're leaving."

I sat at my mirror and styled my hair and did my makeup. I was in the middle of touching up my lipstick when there was a knock on my door. Kendall's reflection leaned against the door. He had changed and did his hair again.

"Hey. You busy?"

"No, just getting ready. I thought you'd be pregaming with Carlos and Logan?"

He shrugged. "I'm good. And knowing James' mom there's going to be good champagne. You look pretty."

A large smile pulled at my face and I played with a lipstick tube. "Thank you."

Kendall scratched the back of his neck. "Could you come with me for a minute?"

"Sure? Is everything okay?"

He nodded and I followed through the venue. I hadn't been in an arena so late after the show in a while. It was quiet and the lights flickered, it was eerie. I raised an eyebrow as we walked out onto the stage. The seats were empty and most of the equipment we brought was gone. He pointed to a set of stools and I sat down. I folded my arms and noticed how nervous he seemed.

"What is this?"

"I know you haven't been thrilled with my songs." He was quiet as he tuned his guitar and sat down across from me. "I know you haven't been thrilled with me."

I felt a bit guilty and tried to be diplomatic. "It's not that I don't like them. It was just a lot when you played them onstage or a live stream."

"Exactly. I want you to hear this one and not worry about what other people think." He let out a breath and looked up at me. "I've written so many songs about you. I don't know but I just need to play this one for you. Is that okay?"

"Of course."

He cleared his throat and started a soft melody. "Everything has changed since I met you. I thought I lost my mind but everything has changed since I met you."

His voice was quiet, shy almost, and I could see how his hands were shaking as he played. He sang about how nothing has been the same since he met me.

"Here and now, just hear me out. Through fear and doubt, I'll never let you down." He dropped his head. "Everything has changed since I kissed you. I never thought that love could be this true."

My throat was tight and I could still remember our first real kiss in Nashville. Kendall looked up from where he was playing and was blushing as he smiled at me.

"And when I thought that feeling couldn't last, you went and kissed me back. Everything has changed since I kissed you."

He repeated the chorus and his face was serious as he sang about never letting me down. My face was warm and my eyes had grown wet. I pressed my hand to my mouth as he held my gaze.

"Everything has changed since I met you. And I hope that I have changed your whole world too."

He played an interlude as I sniffed. Tears finally ran over as I thought about just how much things had changed since the beginning of this summer. As we stared at each other, I wondered if there was any way to get back to that nervous rush of happiness I had felt when he first kissed me.

"H-here and now, just hear me out. Through fear and doubt, I'll never let you down." His voice broke as he sang a bit louder. "I swear I'll never let you down."

The guitar slowed down and he gave me the softest smile. His eyes were full of regret and nostalgia. "Everything has changed since I met you. And I hope I have changed your whole world too."

The song ended and I had no shame about the way I was crying. Kendall put the guitar down and reached over to grab my hands. He was quiet for a moment and brushed his thumb over my knuckles. The air was charged with electricity. We were all alone in a room that had just contained thousands of people. We were in a sea of empty chairs and a massive stage. It was so public but they way he stared at me made me feel like we were the only two people left on earth.

"Being home has been n-nice but it's even better because I've got to spend it with you." His voice trembled and he was sheepish. "I know we're just friends and that song was-"

"I liked it." I sniffed. "I really did."

"Oh, good." He exhaled and his blush returned. "I r-remember the first time I kissed you. I don't know why I did it, you were so angry. But it felt right."

"I was so confused," I admitted. "I had stormed into your dressing room to yell but you kissed me."

He chuckled at the memory. "You were all fire and anger and then I kissed you and you just stared at me with those big eyes. I had been so jealous of my friends and I thought I screwed up. But then you kissed me back in that music store. It was our first kiss. You kissed me because you wanted to."

My ears and cheeks were on fire. "I r-remember, it felt natural."

"I knew I was fucked from that day in your hotel room. You had made me confess my feelings and I couldn't get you out of my head. I-I still can't." Kendall squeezed his eyes shut. "And I ruined it. I'm so fucking sorry, Eleanor. I know it doesn't fix anything but I am. You mean everything to me."

I didn't say anything to this but was aware our knees were touching now. He held my hands tightly in his and I blinked through my watery eyes.

"I know we're just friends. That's o-okay, really. I'll never deserve you, I never did. But I'm sorry." He pressed and moved to hold my face. "You've changed my whole life. I don't know how I lived before this. I will never let you down. I promise."

A choked cry came from my mouth and I wiped at my face. "It's a beautiful song."

"It's for you, they're all for you. I will never stop trying to make this up to you."

I slid off my stool and he stood up. His lips were pink and inviting and he stared down at me like I was the only person that ever existed. It would have been so easy to fall back into him. His hand came up and held my waist while the other held my face. He let out a shaky breath and leaned down. My heart was in my throat and I refused to blink. His lips were an inch from mine and all I wanted was to close the gap.

"Elle!" We jumped and turned to see Liz backstage. "The car's leaving."

The tension evaporated and his shoulders sagged. I shook my head, realizing what almost just happened. He was still gazing down at me and I couldn't help myself. I pushed up my toes and let my lips brushed against his cheek.

"I'll see you at the party, Kendall."

And then, I walked away, leaving him to reach up and touch where my lipstick had stained his cheek.

* * *

AN: So, Elle met Kendall's mom and her friends' parents. Kendall finally pulled himself together and is trying to make a good impression on Elle. And they almost kissed! My favorite part was the scene when Mrs. Knight apologizes for Kendall's actions and this last scene. What was your favorite part? The next update deals with the album release party, the next morning and the gang's last day in Minnesota. Who knows what will happen... I already have 4,000 words written for the next update so it won't take as long.

I hope you enjoyed, please review.

See you in a week or so!


	33. Chapter 33

AN: I'm back with a new chapter! I'm hoping to update twice this month. This chapter is during the last day in Minnesota and Elle spends a bit more time with Kendall. I recommend you listen to WithMe by Sum 41 towards the end of the chapter. Please review, it takes hours to write a chapter and only seconds to review!

* * *

The album release party was in full swing by the time midnight rolled around. James' mom's house was packed full of friends, family, and people from their record label. It was like something out of _The Great Gatsby_ , alcohol flowed and the music rattled the chandelier. The pool and patio alone would give any house in Hollywood a run for its money. It was definitely bigger than my luxury apartment. James wasn't coy about this as he indulged in more champagne.

"My mom owns a cosmetics company and we both have a taste for the finer things." He explained with a less than modest grin. "And it's more private than renting out a hotel."

We had counted down the album's release and when it reached midnight the cheers were almost louder than the music. The guys toasted and piled on top of each other. It was heartwarming to see their hard work finally be released to the world. I knew exactly how exciting it was to put out a new album, I could only imagine the relief and satisfaction they felt. I joined their circle and clinked my glass to theirs.

"Congratulations, I'm proud of you."

"Elle!" Logan greeted me with a plastered smile. "We're done! It's out."

I laughed as he pulled me into a hug. "It is!"

"You know what time it is? It's time to fucking party."

"He acts all nerdy but I think he would have been a killer frat boy," Carlos shouted over the music. "He pregamed by doing a keg stand."

"And I missed it? I better get to see a redo." I took a drink of my champagne and nudged him. "Congratulations by the way."

"Thank you!"

The four of them were smoking cigars that Griffin had sent over and it lingered in the air. James reached over and filled my glass back to the top, he was positively beaming with happiness. His eyes were glazed over and red in the way that only weed could cause.

"Did you ever think we'd be here? It seems like yesterday we were carrying Mrs. Majakowski down her driveway so Logan could drive."

Logan grimaced and shook his head. "Logan's too drunk to drive."

"Mrs. Maja who?" I asked, leaning in closer to hear.

"Our neighbor. None of our moms could drive us to the auditions and Logan only had his learner's permit. She was the only licensed driver we could think of. Kendall convinced her to let us drive her car." James was a bit wistful. "And now we're here, with our fifth album."

Carlos was animated. "She's the best. We send her a Christmas gift every year. Kendall helped her get into this sweet retirement home. He still pays for it."

I had avoided Kendall's eye since I arrived at the party. His song from earlier was still in my head and every time I looked at him all I could think about was how I wanted him to kiss me. He seemed in a good mood and happy when the countdown happened. But when I turned to look at him he was busy inspecting the contents of his cup.

"That's wholesome."

Logan wandered off after that, stating he wanted another drink. James went to check on the caterers and Carlos seemed interested in some redhead across the room. That left Kendall and I alone in the crowd. I drained my cup just to have something to do.

"Uh, congrats on the album." I sucked air through my teeth. "I can't wait to listen to it."

He glanced over and forced one corner of his mouth up. "Thanks, that means a lot."

I had just enough champagne on an empty stomach to let my words come out easily. "I liked the song. I know what almost happened but I wasn't thinking. That can't happen again."

He seemed indignant about this and huffed. "You wanted to kiss me. I saw that look you had on your face."

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. But it doesn't matter, I don't trust you, Kendall. I can't risk it."

Kendall placed a hand on my shoulder and leaned in so I could hear him over the music. He reeked of tequila and cigar smoke. "I messed up, I know that. But trust me when I say that I have zero plans of hurting you again. I told you I'll spend my whole life trying to make it up to you. I miss you in so many ways."

This wasn't the time or place for this. "Celebrate your album, drink with your friends. We'll talk about this tomorrow."

"Promise?"

I shook my head at his persistence. "Yeah. Like I said, you're not a bad person, you just fucked up. Tomorrow."

"Where are you going? That sounded like a goodbye."

"I just want one night that isn't about me being sad over you," I admitted and held up my cup. "You deserve one too."

He held his hands up in surrender as I stepped back. "Fair enough."

I started back into the crowd to find Liz or one of the guys. I was ready to be normal and not weighed down by Jett or Kendall or any other bullshit. But over the music, I could hear Kendall. When I turned he stood in the middle of the packed room but he looked at me like I was the only person.

"I'm not giving up on us, Eleanor!" He shouted over the music with a boyish, drunken, grin. "Not now, not ever. That's a promise!"

My shoulders raised in a half shrug as I walked away. His words left me with hot cheeks and a flurry of nerves in my stomach. We'd see what tomorrow would bring.

* * *

The sun streamed through the windows and I cursed my past self for not closing the blinds. The next morning brought a slight headache and a dry mouth. When I sat up I was confused for a brief moment. I had slept over at James' house in one of the guest rooms. Liz had gone back to the hotel after I assured her I'd be fine. I had stuck to the three drink limit I had set for myself, so I wasn't too hungover just thirsty.

"Elle, open up." I staggered over to the door and unlocked it. James looked amused. "You locked yourself in?"

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. "Kendall has a habit of just walking in and I wanted to be alone."

"Fun party, right?"

Flashes of drunken dancing and celebrating came to my mind. The party had raged until nearly five in the morning and I think I witnessed Logan consume every kind of alcohol known to man. But overall it had been a blast and I smiled. "How's the album doing?"

"Number one in 18 countries and climbing. It's number one on Apple Music and Spotify too."

"That's awesome!" I pulled him into a hug and noticed how sweaty he was. "You were four times as drunk as I was. Did you workout?"

He flexed and showed off his sizeable arm muscles. "Everyday, baby."

"That sounds awful. Thanks for letting me crash."

"Anytime, the guys did too. But Liz is sending a car so you can go back to the hotel. I doubt you want to wear those clothes to breakfast."

James was leading me down a long hallway that was covered in pictures of him as a kid. "What breakfast?"

"Another tradition. There's family breakfast before we all go our separate ways. Katie and Mama Knight fly out later and Logan's dad as some business conference in Des Moines."

"I'm not family." I reminded him. "I don't want to intrude."

He rolled his eyes and jogged down the stairs. "Whatever. You're family and you know it. Besides, it's your last chance for tater tot goodness."

"Disgusting. I'd rather go to Arizona and eat a mouthful of sand."

The downstairs of his house was strewn with glasses and cups and a large cleaning crew was scrubbing every corner. James dug around a large closet and produced my purse and shoes.

"The whole pretty, rich boy lifestyle suits you." I mused as I slipped them on. "Seriously."

He gave a smug smile. "As long as you think I'm pretty. I'll send you the address for the diner. I have to go rouse the morons from their drunken slumber."

"Good luck. And Logan may need his stomach pumped, fair warning."

"That's what housekeepers are for. Carlos is easy enough if you promise food and Kendall's been drinking almost every day since you left. I'm surprised he can still even get drunk."

At the mention of Kendall, I remembered my promise to talk about what happened the night before. My expression soured and James looked concerned.

"Sorry, should I have not brought him up? I know you guys spent a few days together."

"It's fine. He's just determined that's all."

James swirled his protein shake around and laughed to himself. "He likes you."

"Really? I couldn't tell."

"I think he's sorry for what it's worth. Do you like him?"

"James..." I warned as I checked my purse for all my belongings.

He put up his hands. "Hey, it's a fair question. You've spent the night at his house, he made dinner, you met his mom. And he said something that made you red as fuck last night. I was out on the patio and saw him shouting."

"You're so damn nosey. It's really unbecoming."

"Sorry, sorry. I'm just curious." He apologized but then jostled me. "You've been spending a lot of time together. Are you gonna get back together?"

Outside, an SUV pulled into the large brick driveway. I was grateful I didn't have to answer his question.

"Saved by the car."

James just groaned and opened the door. "Fine, be boring. I'll see you in a bit."

As the car drove off, I leaned my head back. Kendall's promise of not giving up on us played in my mind. The song he sang me last night and the way we almost kissed did too. Thinking about my feelings for him made my head throb. I shook my head and made up my mind. Serious questions weren't meant to be answered before breakfast and that was that.

* * *

Breakfast worked out in my favor. After a shower and change of clothes, I found myself at the end of the table with Carlos and his parents. They were perfectly neutral. Carlos could talk about almost anything at length and his mom asked if her sleeping spray had helped at all. I didn't have the heart to tell her I hadn't used it yet because I had spent the past few nights in my ex whatever's bed. But I nodded and thanked her anyway. It was the last day in Minnesota so this was a goodbye breakfast. The guys, their families and I crowded around a large table. Liz had turned her nose up at the idea of diner food and opted to eat with Gustavo and Kelly. She had made a point to mention how glad she was about the summer almost being over. It was late August and the tour would end in just two weeks time. We set out for Canada later today and would finish in LA at the Tween Choice Awards.

The guys were looking forward to the home stretch of the tour but I still had a bit more work to do. I would be filming a music video over the course of two days next week. I would be releasing a deluxe version of my album in October and it would feature a few new songs. Liz and my label thought it would be a good idea to release a post-Kendall Incident video. I'd also be doing an interview to finally clear the air of any speculation about me and Kendall. The only problem was that I didn't know where we stood or what I wanted.

 _Someone's staring._

James had texted me from his seat further down the table. Sure enough, Kendall was looking at me and quickly turned his head when he saw me. I replied to James text and told him to get a life and eat his carb-loaded nonsense. Once breakfast ended, it seemed like the guys were all going home to spend a little more quality time together. I took this as my cue to head back to the hotel despite Logan's mom's protest.

"Are you sure? You're more than welcome to come over." She asked as we walked out into the parking lot.

Logan had been green in the face all of breakfast and he had worn his sunglasses the whole time. His hungover must have been record-breaking and he rubbed his temples.

"I'm fine, Mrs. Mitchell. I have some packing to do but thank you."

"If you say so, take care of yourself."

We said goodbye and I was getting ready to call the car service to take me back to the hotel. The air was thick and muggy as dark storm clouds rolled in on the horizon. It had been nothing but rain and storms since we got here. Katie came over and handed me her card.

"If you could pass that onto Danielle, I'd appreciate it."

"Totally, there's no reason she wouldn't hire you anyway. When's your flight?"

"We're heading to the airport now. It's next to the hotel, we could drop you off."

Across the parking lot, Kendall was climbing into the driver seat and I hesitated. It was faster than the car service but I wasn't sure if I was ready to speak to him yet. Katie had picked up on this and seemed annoyed with him.

"He's too hungover to talk right now." She held her hand out to check for raindrops. "And it's going to downpour any second."

Thunder rumbled overhead and proved her point. Lightning streaked across the sky and my decision was made. "If you don't mind."

"My mom likes to get to the airport way too early so it's cool."

Kendall seemed surprised to see me climb into the backseat but his mom brightened. She turned around in her seat as he drove.

"So you have two weeks of tour left?"

"Yep and then I'm done for a while."

"What are you going to do after?"

I honestly hadn't thought of that yet. There was a European tour being worked out but that wouldn't be until after the holiday season. "I'll probably end up writing more songs and lay low. My manager deserves a long vacation after this tour."

"Well, don't work yourself too hard." She said this with the amount of concern only a mom or Liz could manage. "You deserve a vacation too."

"We could always hang out. You have to know plenty of people who could use a new manager." Katie offered and pointed to the card I was still calling. "Or maybe I'll see you at Condor."

I shook my head at her determination. She and Kendall were clearly siblings. "I hope so. If Liz decides to retire early I'd hire you in a second."

"You hear that, Kendall? Elle trusts me to manage her. I'm just saying if you ever wanted to play hockey I could be your agent."

Kendall rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "Because there's definitely no conflict of interest there."

"You'll see, Knight Talent Management will make Gustavo have nightmares."

The rest of the ride to the airport was full of Jen reminding Kendall of things to do at his house before we left later today. It was sweet the way he just nodded along and assured her he wouldn't let the house fall to pieces while she was gone. When they got out of the car, I climbed out to say goodbye before they went inside.

"I'll get your number from my brother. Let's hang out when you finish the tour." Katie said. "I need more friends my own age."

I promised her we would and wished her luck with her interviews. She had always been on my side since we met, I could still see Kendall's annoyed face when I first met his sister. Jen held out her arms and was unashamed.

"I'm a hugger." I couldn't help but smile as we hugged. "It was really nice meeting you. Honestly, if you need anything in LA just give me a shout."

"Thank you, it was nice meeting you too." I meant this. Even if her son and I had a complicated relationship, she was still the kind of mom I'd kill to have. "Have a safe flight."

We separated for a moment as she helped Kendall get the bags out of the trunk. But as soon as he was distracted by Katie's directions she pulled me close once more.

"I hope we see each other again soon." She told me. "But if not, please take care of yourself."

My smile was weak but I nodded. "I will, thank you."

I waved as they walked inside. I wasn't going to intrude on a private goodbye, so I got back into the car. I took the time to scroll through my social media. The picture of me in Kendall's shirt was still being spread around but I was focused on Big Time Rush. The headlines made me smile.

 **Big Time Rush's Fifth Album Goes Straight to Number One.**

 **We Can't Stop Listening to _Don't Stop!_**

 **BTR's Mature Sound Wins Big Time Points with Fans and Critics.**

The album was number one in a couple more countries than what James had mentioned earlier. It was trending on Twitter and it was selling out in some stores already. My friends' success made my day. I had originally been brought on tour not only to redeem my image but to help them win over older fans. I was glad my drama hadn't had a negative impact. I retweeted Billboard's post about the album being number one. I added, "Proud of you guys, congrats!" and a few heart emojis. I was replying to a few fans when a knock on the window made me jump.

"Hit the locks." Kendall was at the window, his shirt was already growing wet from the rain. "I'm not trying to get struck by lightning."

"Did they get checked in okay?"

Kendall wiped the water from his eyes and looked at the clock. "Three hours early but yeah. My mom thinks security takes all day. Their flight will probably get delayed though."

"It's cute." I held up my phone. "The album's doing well."

The smile that bloomed on his face was the first real one I had seen all day. "I can't believe it. I knew it would do okay but not this well."

"You should be proud. It's really good."

"That means a lot coming from you." He merged onto the highway. "So, are you busy?"

"On my day off? No, I'm not busy."

Kendall drummed his fingers against the wheel. "I know I was weird last night, but I really want to show you one more thing before we leave Shakopee."

"I saw the banner when we first got in. I can't believe you still have your own day."

"Shut up about the banner." He laughed and shook his head. "It's something I haven't shown you. It won't take long if you don't want it to."

Part of me was on alert. What if there was some horrible Midwest tradition to humiliate girls who rejected you? Or what if he had made bet with his stupid high school friends? I eyed him suspiciously but I watched as he swallowed a lump in his throat. He seemed just as nervous as that night in Dallas when he came to my hotel room after our very first kiss.

"What the hell? Fine."

I didn't think he expected to get this far because he did a double-take. "Really?"

"It's this or let Liz set up an interview."I gestured down to my clothes. "Plus, I'm already dressed."

He was visibly excited as we got back into town. "Okay, uh, shit. Cover your eyes."

"My eyes?"

We were at a red light and he brought his hands to his face. "Your eyes, cover them."

I was dubious but did it anyway. "Okay?"

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"I can't see them, now can I?" I said from behind my hands. "This isn't some murder plot is it?"

He snorted at this. "No, not today."

"Not today." I echoed in mock relief. "Thank god. Seriously, what are we doing?"

"Patience, Len. We're almost there."

I hated to admit it but I was a bit eager. My stomach was full of butterflies and I was curious as to where we were going. He had shown me the main landmarks on the first day here. I had seen all the guy's houses and had breakfast at his favorite place. What was left?

"There isn't some Big Time Rush statue is there?"

"No, but never suggest that to James, he'll never let it go."

"You're not going to force hotplate down my throat are you?" I guessed once more.

"It's hotdish, not hotplate." He laughed. "And no, stop guessing."

The car came to a stop and I heard him get out and come around to my side. He pressed something soft to my face and I felt for it.

"Cover your face with this and give me your hand."

I blindly reached out for his hand. "This feels murdery."

"I promise I'm not going to murder you. I won't let you get hurt."

My steps were awkward and warm rain pelted us for a moment. I could tell we were inside because the thunder had grown softer. "We're in a building?"

"Yep." He gripped my waist and he sounded a bit giddy. "Step up. It's not a step but there's a little ledge."

I stumbled a bit but he held on tight. My own excitement was growing until I felt a cold chill on my wet skin. I scrunched my nose as he let go of me.

"Put your arms up but keep your eyes shut. No peeking." He warned as he moved the fabric from my face. He tugged it over my head. "There, that should keep you warm."

"Where the hell are we?" I moaned as I shivered, "I know you said you liked to make out in the dairy cooler at work but I'm not down for that. Plus, I don't like cheese or milk that much. I know that cheese is Minnesota's thing but it's not mine."

"That's Wisconsin, first of all." He grunted a little. "And two, it's a surprise."

"Fine." I huffed as goosebumps dotted my skin. "But if this is the dairy cooler and you're trying to come up with a plan B, I'm leaving."

He laughed but it sounded distant. "So impatient, Eleanor!"

"Where are you?"

"Open your eyes!"

I uncovered my face and squinted at the light. When my eyes adjusted I saw Kendall in a sweatshirt. He had a huge grin on his face and was coming towards me. He was on skates, in the middle of the ice rink. I looked around and saw empty bleachers. When I realized where we were my mouth went dry. Reddish orange banners hung from the rafters.

 _Welcome to the Shakopee High School Ice Rink!_

"You said you wanted to learn," Kendall said as he came to a stop. "You said you always saw people skating in Christmas movies and that it looked fun."

I had said that, during the Fourth of July as we laid in the grass. It felt like a lifetime ago and I nodded. My voice was thick and my eyes stung. "You remembered?"

"Of course I remembered." His voice was fond. "You told me you wanted to trust me again. That's why I wanted to spend time with you the past few days. I wanted to show you the real me. This is who I am, this is where I came from. I'm _not_ the guy I've been this summer. I swear to god, Elle. I just want you to know all of me."

The tears were warm against my cool skin and I hastily wiped them away. "You're sweet, Kendall. Really."

His smile was nervous but bright. "So, you want me to teach you?"

I sniffed and waved him over. "Yes, please."

He made his way over to me and came behind the wall separating me from the ice. He sat me down and reached under the bench and produced a few pairs of skates.

"There should be socks in that pocket." He unlaced the skates and held them up. "These should be your size."

I was still surprised as I put on the thick socks. "How did you pull this off?"

He ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck. "I had the idea a few days ago. Coach Carter dropped off the key to the rink before you came downstairs after you stayed the night. And then I checked your shoe size when you were in the shower. Is that weird?"

"No," I answered quickly. "This is the sweetest thing someone's ever done for me."

"That's a crime. Ever since you told me that you wanted to learn, I've been thinking about it." He held out the skate. "You want it to be kind of snug. You have to balance on the blade and you can't have your ankles flopping around."

"I think these are good." I pushed my foot and wiggled my toes. "Now, do I just tie them?"

I watched as Kendall laced my skates for me. His fingers were quick and nimble as he tugged on the laces. He was down on one knee and a small part of my brain pictured him holding out a ring. The thought was intrusive and made me shake my head. The idea of Kendall proposing was not something I needed.

"I can't believe you remembered," I said trying to get the image of Kendall with a ring out of my mind. "That was such a small thing and it was weeks ago."

Kendall stopped lacing my skates and looked up from where he was kneeling. "I like when you talk. I wasn't kidding when I said I want to know you."

My ears were hot and I noticed the hoodie I wore matched the teeshirt I slept in the other night. "Is this yours too?"

"What can I say? You look better in my clothes than I do." He helped me to my feet. "So, you've never ice skated. You ever roller skate?"

"Once. At a birthday party in third grade." He seemed surprised by this fact. "What? Everyone had swimming parties, it's hot."

He stepped out on to the ice and held out his hands. "I won't bite."

I shuffled my body to the edge and stared down at the slick surface and then back at him. "I'm gonna fall."

"I promise I won't let you get hurt." He took my hands in his and pulled me out onto the ice. "Rule number one: don't lean backward or forwards over your skates or it'll fuck up your balance."

I kept my eyes focused on the ice. "Like this?"

Kendall put one hand on my chest and one on my back. "This is better. That'll keep you upright which is what we want."

He let go of me and stepped back. I balanced without him holding me and I nodded. "Yeah, upright is good. I'm not trying to break a bone or anything."

Kendall glided back and forth as if he was simply walking. "Hang out for a bit, you need to learn to feel the ice under your feet. Try taking a few steps and hold onto the wall."

I took a cautious step and clung to the wall as I dragged myself a few inches. "I'm a natural."

"More like naturally ridiculous. You have to learn to balance." He held out his arms. "See, I'm not leaning too far and my knees are bent."

Against my better judgment, I let go of the wall and straightened myself up. My smile was nervous as I tried to copy the baby steps Kendall was demonstrating. I lost my balance and flailed as I tried to stop myself from falling. Kendall was over to me in a flash and held onto my waist.

"You're okay. That was a good start but think of it as marching instead of walking." He crouched down in front of me and marched my legs for me. "And kind of make your foot go out to the side instead of straight back. Don't be afraid to fall."

When he stood back up to his full height, we were close together. He held onto my hips and his eyes lingered on my lips for just a moment too long. He cleared his throat and turned away. He blew out a long breath and rubbed his jaw.

"Stay here." He let me go and I must have looked alarmed because he tutted. "I'll be right back."

He took off across the ice in a full sprint, he was fast and moved with a certain athleticism I had never seen from him. He pushed himself over the wall and disappeared for a brief moment. I flexed my stiff, cold fingers and I looked around the rink. Multiple state championship banners hung from the rafters and I recognized the bleachers as the backdrop from the picture of the guys I had posted. Kendall came back over to me sliding what could only be described as a walker for an older person.

"What the hell is that?"

"It's a skating trainer. It helps you balance on the ice, it's cute watching you hold onto the wall but you'll have more fun if you can actually move." He motioned for me to grab a hold of it. "Use it to hold yourself up so you can practice your footwork."

I grabbed onto it and felt instantly more stable. The ice didn't seem as slippery under my feet and I no longer pictured myself falling and breaking my nose. I cautiously moved away from the wall and tried to move my feet the way he showed me. Kendall stood with his hands in his pockets and nodded.

"That's it." He skated alongside me. "If you want to slow down make your feet into a V shape and to stop do the same thing and then angle one foot in."

"I feel stupid using this." I gripped onto the walker. "I can dance, I should be able to do this."

He was amused by this as he followed along, as casual as ever. "I used one when I learned."

This made me feel better. "Did you really?"

His gentle face was replaced by a smirk. "I was four, but yeah."

"You're an ass." I chided him but refused to let go. We were in the middle of the ice. "But seriously? Four?"

He nodded. "Right here on this ice."

"Really? That's cute." I tried to picture a tiny Kendall holding onto one of these. "Were you good from the beginning?"

"It was a rough start." He admitted. "I fell on the ice and bit through my lip, I needed stitches."

I winced. "Well, that makes me feel better. I'm surprised you stuck to it. Before my parents were a disaster I tried soccer and scraped my knee. That was the end of my sporting career."

"My dad liked hockey and I liked my dad." He kept his eyes on the ice and cleared his throat. "I was back on the ice the next day. My mom was pissed."

I wasn't sure what to say, he had never mentioned his dad in so much detail. "Your dad taught you?"

"He thought it'd be a good way to make friends. I met Carlos, so it kind of worked out." His change of subject was obvious but I rolled with it. "Then I met James when I was five, and then Logan moved here in third grade."

"That's sweet. I feel like you were a handful. Four little hockeyheads running around and getting into shit."

He pushed up his sleeve and showed me a small scar in the crook of his elbow. "We tried to build a treehouse in fifth grade. I fell right out and got a twig stuck in my arm. Logan had this wagon and he and Carlos broke their arms on the same day. James and I were smart enough to jump out but it was gross. And we definitely all got detention a few times, I still feel bad, we dragged Logan into so much bullshit."

His stories made me smile but also grateful that I hadn't had any real brothers. "I never really got into trouble."

"Of course you didn't." He teased as we reached one end of the rink. "So plant one foot on the ice and then just glide your body to turn around."

My turn was awkward and I almost lost my footing. "Back the other way?"

"You're doing great, you're not overthinking it. Try letting your feet skim across the ice instead of just straight marching, that's going to help you go faster."

"Are you not coming with me?"

Kendall pretended to be offended by this. "No, I'm fine like this."

He skated backward alongside me just as easily as he did forward and I rolled my eyes. "Show off."

"What can I say?" He flashed me a cocky smile. "I'm just that good."

"If you say so."

"So, tell me about young Elle Harper. You didn't get in trouble, I bet you were like Logan. A total geek."

Logan was obviously smart but all I could think of was how drunk he had been last night. This change was funny to me and I thought back to my younger days. "Kind of. I got good grades, I was in a lot of clubs. Book club, band, choir. It's mostly so I didn't have to go home."

"The foster homes?" He seemed uneasy. "We don't have to talk about it."

"It's fine. They weren't like the movies where everyone is abusive and awful. Most of the adults tried really hard to make it feel like home. But when you're seven and just want your mom and dad, it doesn't matter how nice they are. One foster mom was a real bitch though, she thought I was a hassle. I stayed at a friend's house a lot. We talk almost every day, she's still in Phoenix. We kept in touch when I got out of the system."

"How long were you in it? You ended up living with your aunt, right? Was that better?"

The fact that he remembered was touching. "I was in foster care from seven to twelve. My aunt wasn't 'suitable' to take me for a while. Technically, she's my great aunt, she was old even back then. She had some health issues. But when I finally moved in, we didn't get along. I think she resented the fact that she was retired with a preteen with trust issues."

"What about your mom and dad?"

The mention of them made my heart hurt. "Uh, my mom ended up marrying a dentist or something. She has a new family and I guess I didn't fit into it. I remind her of my dad. And who knows where the hell he is? So I lived with my aunt, she's in a nursing home now. It was better than shitty foster homes, but I didn't really know her. She wasn't mean but it was obvious she wasn't thrilled to have me. I just knew I had to get the fuck out of Arizona. So, I kept singing and sending out demos."

"I'm glad you did. Is she musical?"

"Hell no, I get it from my dad I guess. Thank god for music, I don't think I would have been okay without something to keep my mind off my family. My demos got picked up, I got signed and Liz and Dani helped me get emancipated."

Kendall nodded as we turned back around. "That's how I feel about hockey, I guess. When my dad left, it gave me something to do."

"He left? I never wanted to bring him up."

He waved off my concern. "It's whatever. But yeah, I was eight, Katie was two. My mom sat me down and told me that my dad wasn't coming home but that he loved me." Kendall sucked in a large breathe, he was frustrated. "I guess he wasn't ready for a family and just left. His name's Andrew. Apparently, he lives in New Jersey now."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, he's an ass. I've seen him twice since then, Katie doesn't even know him. He showed up at my grandparent's house when he didn't know I was there. I was ten. And then he tried to visit me after the second album came out. I think he just wanted money, though." He clenched his jaw and shut his eyes for a moment. "Hockey took my mind off of it, it was me, the puck and the ice. It cleared my head."

"Well, I'm still sorry."

Kendall dug his skates into the ice. "I like to think I'm better than he is. It's part of the reason I told you I was going to be there when I thought you were pregnant. I didn't want them growing up wondering why I didn't love them enough to stick around. It fucks with you."

This confession was unexpected but was sweet. I put my hand on my shoulder. "You're definitely better than him. Was he musical?"

"I honestly have no idea where it came from. I bought my first guitar because I wanted to impress a girl in middle school."

"Of course you did." We both laughed at this. "Did it work?"

"Not even close. I was twelve and my voice kept cracking. I like to think it won you over before I fucked up."

I hummed at this and was noncommittal. "Maybe. So you wanted to play hockey before you wanted to sing?"

"100% I was already being looked at by different schools by sophomore year. I was gonna get a hockey scholarship, play in the NHL, take care of my mom and Katie, and then probably be a coach."

"I feel like being in a famous boyband was a pretty good back up plan."

His mood had brightened and he agreed with me. "For sure. I sure as hell wouldn't have met your uncoordinated ass if I played pro hockey."

"I am not uncoordinated. If you remember, you're the one who tripped over his own feet during tour rehearsal."

"That's because you were watching. I'm good on my feet if there's ice under them."

I waved him away. "Go on then, impress me."

"You better get your walker out of the way. I wouldn't want to run over you, grandma."

I gave him the finger but shuffled to the edge. "Let's see it."

He shot me an arrogant grin. "Back in a flash."

I watched him take off across the ice and reach over the wall. He pulled out a hockey stick and tossed a few pucks onto the ice. He chased after a stray one and controlled it with ease, his stick going from side to side. His legs were powerful as he hurled himself across the frozen surface. He shot the puck into the net and circled back and did the same with the others. He may have talked about it enough, but watching him actually play was different. He seemed more comfortable on the ice than onstage which was really saying something. The fact that he was on ice seemed like an afterthought to him because he glided and moved with ease and grace. He sank every puck into the net with a slap of his stick. When he was done, Kendall skated back over and came to a loud stop and produced a small flurry of ice.

"Well, you're not awful." I pretended to be unimpressed. "Needs work though."

He huffed out a laugh, his cheeks were a bit red from the exertion. "Shut the fuck up."

"Make me."

We stared at each other for a moment and he swallowed. He let out a breath and held out the stick. "You want to try?"

I snorted and gestured to my walker. "My hands are a little full at the moment."

"You don't need that anymore. You need to feel the ice under your feet without that there's nothing like it." When I looked skeptical he sighed. "I won't let you fall."

He seemed excited at the idea and I groaned. "Fine, but you'll have to face Liz if I break something."

We held hands and he carefully tugged me to the center of the ice. He let go of me and I stiffened completely, I felt like I would go crashing to the ground at any moment. Kendall crossed his arms and tutted.

"Come on, you can do it. Remember, knees bent and little marches with your feet. And to stop, drag one foot at an angle." He demonstrated both of these things with the same ease as simply walking. "I'll catch you."

"That's not how you stopped over there. You made it snow. Which way is right?"

"That's a hockey stop, you're not ready for that. You're doing a beginner stop." He shooed me away and mimicked my words from earlier. "Go on then, impress me."

Cautiously, I held out my arms and lifted a foot off the ice. The skates felt heavy but I moved my feet the way I had been with the walker. I slid a few inches across the ice and turned to Kendall. My voice was high pitched and echoed off the walls.

"Look, I'm doing it!" I pointed to my feet. "Kendall, look!"

A broad smile stretched across his face. "I see. You are."

"Take my picture, take my picture," I ordered. "Hurry, I'll slow down."

He skated in front of me, his phone in hand. He took a few pictures but must have switched to a video. "Say hi."

"I'm skating!" I was almost giddy. "I'm actually skating."

Kendall went back to where his stick was and did the same stop he did before. It startled me and I grabbed at the air, I righted myself.

"Don't do that! I'll fall."

"Sorry, Bambi." He teased and slowed down to my speed. "I'm used to that way. It's so you can turn around faster in the game."

He was pushing a puck along and I reached for my phone. "Do that thing again. You know get it into the net."

"So you were impressed?"

"You caught me." I hit record. "Now go, skate."

Kendall gave the camera another smile and showed off as he skated backward, chased the puck and hit it into the net. He raced back to me and came to another hockey stop. The suddenness of it made me nearly slip once more.

"Kendall!" I couldn't really yell because I was laughing. "Stop."

He caught me and blew air. "Sorry, babe."

"Now you're just doing that to scare me." My phone went back to my pocket after sharing the video and I pointed to the stick. "Can I try?"

"Really?" He was surprised as reached the net. "Are you sure you don't want your walker?"

"Excuse you, I'm a pro now."

He shook his head and me and groaned. "We're going about one mile per hour."

"Just give me your stick," I ordered and held out my hand. He raised an eyebrow and a smirk curled at his lip. "Your hockey stick, Kendick."

He handed it over and placed a puck in front of me. "You know how to hold it?"

"Like this?"

"Close but no." He came behind me, he positioned my hands. His fingers were warm against mine and his breath was on my neck. "Now, hit the puck with the edge of the stick. Picture it hitting the back of the net."

I stuck out my tongue and squinted. Kendall's hand rest on my back, ready to catch me. I whacked the stick against the ice, missing completely.

"You're not golfing. Just give it a little more power." He held onto my arm and showed me how high to swing. "Now try."

I let out a breath and swung again. The puck flew into the net and I let out a shriek.

"I did it!" I cheered. "Look I-"

I whirled around to look at Kendall when I lost my footing entirely. I scrambled to grab onto him but we landed on the ice with a hard thud. He came down on top of me and groaned. We both laughed and I rubbed my head. His laugh was hearty and the dimples in his cheeks appeared.

"You okay?" His question was hushed.

"I think so."

That's when I was all too aware of the fact that he was pressed against me. I was pinned between his warm body and the cold ice. He must have realized this too because he cleared his throat. He looked down to my lips and then back at me. Just like that, my mouth was bone dry and my breathing came to a stop. His eyes were bright green against the white ice. He bit at his lip and let out a trembling breath. His warm hand came up to touch my cold face and neither of us blinked, not wanting to miss a second of the way we stared at each other. Kendall's lips ghosted over mine before fully connecting. He cradled my face as he kissed me. It was gentle, shy almost. But it was right in so many ways. Just like that first kiss in the back of the music store. It was right as rain and I wondered how I had lived before it. My hands came up to get lost in his hair and I held his face close, savoring the taste of his mouth against mine.

We separated, both dizzy from kissing and our lips red. Kendall was the first to speak.

"Think that's enough for today." His voice was quiet. "Enough skating."

"Enough skating." I agreed.

He pulled me to my feet and gathered the pucks and sticks. He was careless as he tossed them back over the wall. We pulled our skates off and our shoes on. I could feel the weight of his kiss on my lips. It had been the first one since we got to Minnesota and it felt like a bubble had burst. The cold air from the arena was replaced by a gush of hot, humid air when we stepped outside. Rain fell in absolute buckets. He held my hand as we ran to the car. Fat drops soaked through our clothes and was deafening on the roof of the car. The air was muggy and stifling so we took off the thick sweatshirts we had worn in the cold ice rink. He pushed his wet hair from his face and turned to me.

"So." He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. "Hotel?"

My lips buzzed from our kiss and there was a burn in the back of my throat. The only sounds were the rain and our heavy breathing. My own words surprised me. They were quiet but certain.

"Take me to your house."

He looked confused but when I leaned over the center console and kissed him he didn't hesitate. His arm went around my waist and my hands gripped his shirt. Our lips were as warm as the air and the kissed was as charged as the storm that came down around us. When we separated, he had a shaky smile.

"My house." He said it to himself as if he couldn't believe it. "Anything you want."

The car came to life as thunder and lightning rumbled overhead. The windshield wipers squeaked as they tried to fight the flood of water. Kendall's hand gripped my thigh as he drove a little too fast. Every light was green as if it was a good omen. The tires squealed as he turned into the driveway. The car was barely in park when he cut the engine and came around to my side. He threw open my door and offered his hand. The rain stung our skin as it fell even faster from the dark sky but I didn't care. He cupped my face and kissed me in the middle of the downpour. The rain soaked through our clothes and left goosebumps on my skin. We clambered up to the door. He kept his arms around me as he reached past me with the key. His crotch was pressed against the back of my thigh. He fumbled with the doorknob and we fell inside. We dripped water in the front entrance and he kicked the door shut behind us. Our breathing was ragged as we stared at each other. I was the one who closed the gap. I bit at his lip and he returned my kiss with fervor. He stripped off his wet shirt, it reminded me of that first kiss in the dressing room. His bare skin was hot under my fingers as I traced over his tattoos. Our kisses were rough and sloppy as I kicked off my shoes. It was straight out of a movie, the way he looped his arms under my legs and scooped me up. My arms were tight around him and my lips were at the crook of his neck as he carried me up the stairs.

He pushed me up against the wall of his bedroom and I found myself shimmying out of my jeans. Kendall gripped my hair and held me tight against him. I reached down to find his belt buckle and I unzipped his jeans with quick hands. As he stepped out of his pants I took the chance to peel the wet tee shirt that clung to my heaving chest. My heart was beating painfully with anticipation. My eyes raked over Kendall's body. From his wet, mussed hair, his hungry eyes and full, kiss-swollen lips and all the way down his torso to between his legs. I let out a breath as he swiftly unhooked my bra. His fingertips skimmed across my shoulders and up to my face. His kiss was hard against my lips and he walked us backward until my legs hit the edge of his bed.

"Is this okay?" His voice was deep and low in the back of his throat. "Sure you want this?"

My stomach was in a knot and I nodded to myself. "I want you."

This was all Kendall needed because he tugged down my last bit of clothing and pointed for me to lie back. I propped myself up on the pillow as his head ducked between my thighs. My pulse was fast and my fingers found his hair. After a few moments, I pulled him up by the shoulders and kissed him on the mouth. His hair was already disheveled and a grin spread across his face.

"Are we really gonna do this, Len?" He ground his hips against mine and kissed me over and over again. "We can stop."

But I didn't want to. He was intoxicating and I wanted him, all of him. I could feel it viscerally, deep down all the way into my bones. The way he stared at me was full of history. I knew him and he knew me in all the ways you could know another person.

"I wanna do this."

Kendall busied himself with the condom wrapper and I took a moment to catch my breath. I wanted to remember every detail, the blue walls, the old trophies, the way the rain hit the windows, and the way he smiled at me like I was the most important thing in the world. His eyes were wide and his bit his lip. It was everything I wanted. His lips were glued to my neck and he buried his face in my shoulder. His fingers locked with mine as I let out a sigh.

" _Fuck_ , I missed you." It was a breathy groan into my ear. "Missed you, so, so, much, baby."

My face was pressed into his hair and my eyes were screwed shut. I let out small gasps and dug my nails into his skin. He smelled of cigarettes, mint and his soap. And at that moment it was the best things in the universe. His kiss prompted me to look at him. His face was already hinted with red and his smile was soft.

"You're so pretty, Eleanor. So damn beautiful." He held himself up on the frame of the bed and groaned. "Feels so good."

This did feel right. The past few days had been building to this moment. From all the intense stares, waking up next to him, and the way he showed me who he really was. It was all leading to this, so I sank into him. I held him close to me and gave him a breathless smile. His lips brushed my cheeks as he leaned into my ear.

"Fuck, Len. I'm crazy about you." His gaze was warm and his skin was flushed. "Absolutely crazy."

I pressed my lips to his and took it all in. It felt like coming home and I didn't realize just how much I had missed him. His words echoed in my brain, he was crazy about me. And maybe somewhere in between the soft squeaks of the bed frame, the drizzling of the rain on the roof and the heavy sound of our mingled breathing, I could be crazy about him too.

* * *

AN: Elle and Kendall hooked up! Do you think she's making a mistake? How cute was his ice skating surprise? The next chapter is a bit of a traveling day for the tour. I hope you stay tuned.

Slightly off-topic note: I'm super grateful for everyone who reads the chapters I post. But it's kind of disheartening to spend days writing and editing to not get a single review. Are you really so unbothered that you can't name one thing you liked? Even a "I liked this chapter because (insert your reason)" would be nice. 61 people read the last chapter, 'm not asking for 61 reviews because that's insane. But even if two of you reviewed that would be .03% of you reviewing. I think wanting less than 1% isn't asking too much lol. I don't mean to whine but it's like talking to a brick wall on my end. I'll be updating later this month so I hope to hear from you soon.

Cheers.


	34. Chapter 34

AN: Guess who updated twice in one month? It's me! Thank you so much for the feedback from the last chapter. I'm sorry I had to get snippy but I really and honestly appreciate every word that you take the time to write. This chapter follows Kendall and Elle both trying to make sense of the aftermath of their Minnesota adventures. I hope you enjoy and maybe leave a review! I'd be grateful for one or two comments if a few of you are feeling generous! :)

A bit of this chapter could be distressing due to thoughts of suicide. Just a head's up!

* * *

"Summer might be winding down but the Count Me In Tour is still on fire. Big Time Rush's fifth album, _Don't Stop_ continues to dominate the charts. Tourmate Elle Harper is right up there with them. _It's Kind of a Long Story_ is the fastest-selling album of the year. And she's currently the first woman to have four songs on the Billboard Hot 100 at the same time. Night Like This, Delicate, and Body Say are at number one, three, and five respectively. Colors, which is about ex-boyfriend Jett is at number eleven, despite not being a single. The number two spot is taken by BTR's single Hot Summer and Just Getting Started is at number four. The US leg of the tour may be over but the group is headed to Canada for the final stretch. If you have the chance to see them, I wouldn't miss it. I'm Channing Park and this is Hollywood Wakeup. We'll be right back."

The show went to a commercial break and I shook my head. Hearing just how well the tour and the music were doing made my head spin. We had just a handful of shows left. The next two weeks would be the main Candian leg of the tour with plenty of press to garner last-minute votes for the Tween Choice Awards. I would film a music video for my next single and then all that was left was the award show. Things were coming to an end, it was bittersweet. On one hand, I was ready for a break but I was also disappointed that I had missed two weeks of the tour. I had missed a chunk of New England and Montreal while I had been away. There was a plan in the works to go back to the places I had skipped over. I wanted to make it up to the fans who I had bailed on. The sound of my phone buzzing made me turn my head. Twitter notifications lit up my screen.

 _ElleArmy: Kendick posted a picture of skates yesterday, Elle posted a video of her skating. That's what we call a date._

 _ElleavateBTR: Sooo, y'all heard Kendall's voice in that video too right?_

 _KendelleUpdates: They definitely went on a date yesterday. They both had an ice rink in their stories. How much do you wanna bet he taught her to skate? That's the cutest fucking thing. You can hear his voice in her story!_

It wasn't just the tour's success that was making my head spin. Watching shitty celebrity gossip shows was a feeble attempt at distracting myself from what happened yesterday. Kendall surprised me with a sweet date, we kissed, and I let him take me home. I could still feel his weight on top of me and taste his mouth against mine. My face warmed as I brushed my fingers over the hickeys I had hidden with makeup. It had been romantic and cinematic, the way we kissed in the rain and he carried me up the stairs. There hadn't been a morning after but there had definitely been an afterglow. We ended up holding each other for a while and Kendall had been nothing but smiles and soft words. We had sex again after that. And again when he joined me in the shower. We had made up for the lost time, it had been well over a month since the last time we had hooked up. We had been in New York, the night before everything went to shit.

It was just after eight in the morning. We had gotten a late start getting on the road due to flooding. We should have left last night around seven but were stuck until midnight. Liz had been awake and on the management bus planning for a worst-case scenario for an hour. I, too, had been planning for my own worst-case scenario. A cynical, part of me was expecting a new set of nudes to be posted or for him to burst into my bus and tell me to go jump off a cliff or something. But part of me was still red in the face at the thought of yesterday. It had been fun and I enjoyed every moment of it. I had missed him, missed sleeping with him. Seeing the person Kendall was when he was home had opened my eyes. But I was still nervous. So when the bus came to a stop and I heard footsteps, there was a pit in my stomach.

"Morning, Elle." James walked onto the bus and gave a wave. "How are you?"

"What's wrong?" I asked instantly and squinted at the guys' faces for any hint of disaster. "What's happening?"

Logan looked confused. "We're stopping for gas and we brought you breakfast."

"We brought you a bagel, coffee, and this green juice shit." Carlos eyed the cup with disdain. "James is doing a cleanse so it's nothing but kale and celery."

"How many times do I have to remind you that I have to get back into top shape. I-" James paused and frowned when he looked my way. "You okay?"

"Me? Yeah, I just, it's dumb." I slouched further down in my seat. "How far are we?"

"Six hours."

The idea of being stuck on a bus for six hours with my thoughts was daunting. "I still don't see why we couldn't fly."

"Tell that to Griffin, he wanted us to test out the company's new buses this summer." Carlos sat down next to me and made himself comfortable. "On the bright side, we get to fly later next week instead of driving 22 hours. At least we don't have to do anything today. "

"Speak for yourself, I have to read through a draft of my music video concept. And then I have a call with the director and I'm trying to write a new song."

"We can't all be Wonder Woman." He shoved me teasingly. "Technically, we should do a live stream but it's too early for that shit."

"Hey guys, we're headed out." Kelly was standing in the doorway of the bus. "Last chance to switch buses."

The fact that Liz wasn't back here by now was a solid sign that I'd probably be alone for a few more hours. "You can hang here if you want."

They seemed fine with that and settled in. The bus had just started to pull out of the parking lot when the show I had been watching returned from commercial break.

"Our main story doesn't come from Hollywood but from Minnesota. The Count Me In Tour just finished it's four day stop there. Big Time Rush's fifth album _Don't Stop_ is at the top of the charts. The tour was delayed last night due to thunderstorms but those aren't the only sparks that were flying. It appears that exes Elle Harper and Kendall Knight cooled off during an ice skating date. They both shared pictures of the same ice rink and Kendall's voice can be heard in Elle's story. Is Kendelle back toget-"

I lunged for the remote and turned off the TV. "Jesus, can I have one day where my relationship status isn't on fucking TV?"

My outburst seemed to startle my friends and they jumped. None of them seemed to know what to say and Logan shifted his weight.

"Are you okay?"

I picked at the bagel they had brought me and shrugged. "Fine, I'm just...I don't know. Yesterday was a lot."

"What exactly happened? We didn't hear from Kendall all day. He disappeared after breakfast and then he went straight to bed last night." James held up his phone. "We saw your stories but was it a date or just hanging out?"

"It was sweet, I mentioned that I wanted to try ice skating back in July. You know my birthday's in December but Arizona is always warm and it never feels like Christmas, and the movies always make it seem so nice. We dropped his sister and mom off at the airport and he made me cover my eyes. When I opened them he was on skates." My voice was high pitched and my words were spilling out of me. "He did the cheesy move where you hold hands and taught me to skate. And then he did some hockey stuff which was hotter than I realized. And then it was fucking rom-com and we fell and we kissed and it was probably a date. Right?"

"Yep." They this said in unison which made me groan. "Totally a date."

"Honestly, that's romantic and he mentioned wanting to teach you before everything happened." Carlos sounded hesitant about being on Kendall's side. "Did you kiss him or did he kiss you?"

I squinted and tried to think about who did what. He had held my face and leaned in first but I definitely hadn't pulled back. "It was mutual really. It was a long time coming. We didn't kiss at all while we were in Minnesota until then."

James was nearly astounded by this. "You mean to tell me that you spent the night more than once, met his mom and he played you a song and he didn't try to kiss you? Not once? Maybe he really is trying for a second chance. The headstrong dumbass we know would have tried more than once by now."

"I think he's trying to be respectful. Ever since I told him about the Jett Incident he basically asks permission to even stand near me. Which is great, of course, but I'm still so nervous. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time I get a Twitter notification I want to puke."

"Why? What's on Twitter?" Logan was checking the app on his phone. "Is something supposed to be here?"

"No, I feel like I'm waiting for bad news."

They seemed concerned and confused about this. "Bad news?"

It was hard to put my anxiety into words. "The last time I hooked up with Kendall was in New York and everything fell apart then I tried to overdose. Excuse me if I'm skeptical and anxious."

Carlos' was awful at hiding his true feelings about anything seemed completely blindsided. "Wait, you slept together? When? Are you okay?"

All three of them stared at me like I had grown a second head. I covered my face with hands and let out a groan. It was too early to talk about this and I was more confused than ever.

"Yesterday, after we kissed. We went back to his house and hooked up."

There was stunned silence for a brief moment and then they started talking over each other.

"Are you okay?"

"Did you want to? Did he pressure you?"

"Shit, you fucked? Why?"

The concern about it being consensual was really touching and I assuaged their fears quickly. "I wanted to, he was really polite and kept asking if I was sure. I'm just conflicted." Carlos' question made me laugh under my breath. "I don't know, Los. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And then the second time and the third. But now I'm not too sure."

James gave me a supportive pat on the shoulder. "So, you hooked up. Maybe it doesn't have to be more than that?"

"It's _Kendall,_ of course, it's going to be more than that. He kissed me in the rain and carried me up the steps just like a stupid chick flick. Now I'm just waiting for him to tweet about it or find out there was a hidden camera or something."

"Hey, I doubt that. Seriously he's pretty disgusted by Jett's behavior. He wouldn't do that, Elle."

My throat had grown tight and I blinked a few times. "And I thought he'd never bet he could fuck me or shove me but that happened."

"Yeah, but after you left he regretted it. He cares about you." Carlos was trying to reason as he rubbed my arm. "And he's not that stupid to fuck things up with you twice."

"I kinda guessed something happened because he definitely had a hickey and seemed way too happy last night. When I asked he refused to even hint at anything. He totally would have been smug if he was up to something." Logan tried to cheer me up and scoffed. "You know that smarmy look he gets when he's too pleased with himself."

I did know the look. I saw it before he sang One Track Mind and when he'd insult me onstage. Both things seemed like a lifetime ago. "I guess so. I just don't want to like him if it's all a joke."

"Don't worry about that. He absolutely likes you, he kept rambling about it at the party. He was all 'Elle looks so pretty' this, 'We've spent so much time together, what does it mean' that, it went on and on." James seemed exhausted by just the memory of the conversation. "It can't be a joke. He's too honest when he's drunk."

I was still a bit dubious. "Really?"

"When you were, uh, home, he was a wreck. I know it was hard for you too but he was going through the motions. He was drunk and kept talking about hurting himself." Carlos said this uneasily and scratched the back of his neck. "He didn't sleep, he just talked about wanting to fix things with you."

The mention of him wanting to hurt himself reminded me of the night he broke into my hotel room. He had confessed that he had thought about buying a gun and 'blowing his brains out'. I swallowed the lump in my throat and picked at my fingernails. If the guys thought he liked me, he must have. I was pretty sure he liked me too but I was scared to get close.

"Minnesota was nice. Meeting his family was nice, he cooked me dinner and breakfast. Him teaching me to skate was the nicest thing a guy has ever done for me." My smile was weak and my voice cracked. "But I don't know if anything's real."

"I would be careful but I think it was for him." James sipped on his green juice. "You shouldn't rush into anything. I'm sure he'll wait."

I sighed, my friends had made me feel a little better but I was still stressed. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. Can we change the subject?"

Logan was quick to jump in. "I'm not mentioning him, but I gotta know. How many times did you fall on the ice?"

We all laughed at this and I faked a scowl. "Only once, asshole. I had help."

"Really? That's better than I thought." He seemed impressed. "But please tell me you didn't use one of those skate trainers. Those are for old ladies and kids."

I elbowed him in the ribs and scoffed. "Shut the fuck up, don't hate on the walker."

* * *

 _Kendall_

The first thing he noticed was just how quiet it was. James' blender wasn't whirring and Logan and Carlos weren't bickering about a video game. It wasn't the worst way to wake up and he enjoyed the silence. He was bleary-eyed as he peeled off his clothes and waited for the shower to heat up. He let out a long breath when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, a smile curling at his mouth. His collarbones and chest were littered with small hickeys and faint scratches.

"Shit."

He had and Elle had slept together a few times yesterday after their date. It had been even better than he had expected, especially after spending a month only being able to think about her. He had missed her, missed seeing her like that. While it had been pretty fucking spectacular, he had enjoyed what came before even more. The skating lesson had been something he had thought of weeks ago. She had confessed that she always wanted to learn. Seeing the way her face lit up was priceless. And the fact that it was the nicest thing a guy had done for her made him feel good. He thought it was an outrage that Jett or any other guy hadn't done something like that. Because he was damn sure he'd do anything to make Elle happy.

When he checked his phone after his shower, Kendall was disappointed to see that she hadn't texted him. The only text was from his sister, it was a link to an article about yesterday.

 ** _So, should I become a wedding planner instead of a manager or...?_**

Even a joke about marrying Elle was enough to make his face grow hot. Maybe it was the Bet Bullshit, as he called it, or maybe it was just because she honestly was the only person for him, but he was pretty sure he was meant to be with Elle. When she had left the tour he had drunkenly told his friends he'd marry her. He hadn't been joking even in the slightest. But he wasn't going to get his hopes up after just a few good days. Plus, they had barely been dating and he was only just starting to make things up to her. If she forgave him enough to get back together for good, marriage was years away.

 ** _It was one date._**

 ** _Yeah, but she slept over every night but the party. She met mom, had dinner, and you took her on a date straight out of a shitty movie. Mom's been talking about you two all fucking day._**

 ** _Really?_**

 ** _'Kendall really likes her, he better not hurt her' 'She's such a sweetheart, right?' 'The way he treats her is something else.' Obviously, she thinks you were a dumbass for fucking things up with her. But Mom thinks she brings out a different side of you._**

Introducing Elle to his mom had been nervewracking on two counts. He had been worried about freaking Elle out by moving too fast and he hadn't been sure how his mom would react to him trying to get back with her. She had been pretty adamant about the fact that she was disappointed and that Elle deserved to be left alone. But when they had sat around the table and laughed together, it felt right. It felt like it had happened countless times. Elle fit right in with his family in a way Jo hadn't. Of course, she had won them over though, who wouldn't fall for Elle Harper? His reply was quick.

 ** _She makes me happy. She makes me want to be better._**

 ** _Gross. Don't fuck it up, I like her._**

The only other notifications were some tweets from fans. He thanked someone for liking the album, slightly surprised that he hadn't been cursed at yet today. Ever since New York, his mentions were mostly a flood of people saying he should die and that he was a pig. He agreed with them for the most part, what he did had been disgusting. He was still wracked with guilt and shame. If Elle did manage to forgive him, he'd never forgive himself. The tweets saying he should die made him frown even more. It made him physically sick to think just how close everything had been to falling apart.

* * *

 _Six hours. That's how long it took to fly from New York to Los Angeles. That's how long Kendall had been waiting for any kind of news, because about eight hours before that, he had told Elle to kill herself. Or more specifically, he told her to do everyone a favor, as if the world could benefit from her not being in it. He had shared her nudes, shoved her, and admitted that it had been a bet. And he had driven her to hurt herself._

 ** _I did everyone a favor._**

 _Those five words sent a sick chill through his bones even hours later. His heart was racing and the room was still spinning. His eyes were sore from crying and his throat was scratchy from screaming at her. He looked around the hotel suite he was in, just beyond the bedroom door, everyone was sitting around waiting for news. His friends had made no effort to see if he was okay, which he definitely deserved. He suspected the only reason he was allowed in the same room was so he wouldn't flee to the airport. Kendall had wanted to leave when Elle left, he wanted to leave when Liz left in a panic, but his friends had made it clear he wouldn't. They claimed it would only make things worse, for Elle, the band, and for him._

 _"Fuck." He rubbed his fists into his eyes. "Why the fuck did I say that?"_

 _Sure, he had been pissed that Elle tweeted about him when Jo visited. But he hadn't been honest with either of them and he had been reprehensible. He had been rude to her all day and then posted those photos. She had made him mad, but she didn't deserve to die. Out the window, the New York skyline shimmered and his stomach turned as he looked down at the sidewalk. His mind was reeling. What if she was dead?_

 _Liz had sent paramedics to the apartment. She had done it immediately after he told her about the text. But what if she had jumped? What if they found her tied up with a toppled over chair underneath her feet? How could they possibly save her from that? What if she died right after sending that text?_

 _The clock on the wall told him that Liz would be landing soon if she hadn't already. She'd probably go straight to the hospital and then update them. Then he'd know if he had pushed Elle over the edge. And as much as he hoped she was somewhere in a hospital bed, awake and okay, he had been trying to prepare himself for the other possibility. If she was dead there was only one thing for him to do. Make things even._

 _The idea had come to him as soon as he realized what her goodbye text had meant. His gut reaction had been that he didn't want to live without her. The thought had fully formed in his drunken mind over the past few hours. If Elle had killed herself because of him, he sure as hell didn't deserve to live. He didn't want to be without her. And he wasn't sure he could live with the guilt anyways._

 _He wasn't sure how he'd do it. The veins on the underside of his wrist seemed delicate enough, as did the muscle and bones that made up his neck. The thought of it scared him and made his throat go tight. He hadn't even known he was capable of thinking such things. But he also thought he hadn't been capable of making a bet, shoving, and telling Elle to kill herself. But as he watched the cars and people pass under his feet seventeen stories below, the image of him landing on the sidewalk wasn't too hard to envision. The thought of the way all his shame and guilt would be over in an instant was appealing, but out of sheer instinct, he shuddered._

 _"Jesus."_

 _When he walked out into the main room of the suite, he saw his friends on the couch in different states of worry. Carlos stared numbly at the floor, Logan was sniffing and shredding a tissue between his fingers and James wiped at his eyes. His bosses weren't too different. Kelly paced back and forth with red eyes and Gustavo's jaw was tensed and he drummed his fingers against the table._

 _"Hey." His voice came out rough. "Guys?"_

 _Five sets of eyes were on him and none of them were pleased to see him. James appeared to be too angered to speak at the mere sight of him and sneered._

 _"What?" Carlos' tone was short._

 _Kendall scratched the back of his neck. "H-Have you heard anything? You know...about Elle?"_

 _"Just that she tried to kill herself because someone was a complete dick to her." Logan was unusually gruff. "Oh wait, that was you."_

 _He cringed at this. "I know I fucked up, but I'm worried. I love-"_

 _"No, you don't and you saying that is offensive and gross. You weren't worried about her when you literally pushed her to the ground or shared her pictures."_

 _Kendall held up his hands in defense as James stepped forward. "I just wanna know if, if she's-" The words were stuck in his throat. "Is Elle-?"_

 _"No, Liz hasn't called. And unless you have a way to fix your bullshit, I suggest you get out of my face." Gustavo simply pointed to the bedroom. "Now. Try not to tell anyone to kill themselves on your way there."_

 _"Gustavo, I know I fucked up. But I have a right to know if she's okay. I should have gone after her."_

 _Kelly, who had been quiet for the most part, looked physically ill. "I think you've done enough. When Liz calls, you'll know. Go."_

 _His friends and bosses' cold shoulders stung but were obviously warranted. As he retreated to the other room his mind was made up for him. If she wasn't okay, he wasn't going to be here if she couldn't be. He shut the door behind him and carelessly wiped at his face. He stared at his phone as he slid down to the floor. His lock screen was a picture of the two of them from the night before. They looked happy, they were happy. Elle drove in crazy in a way he had never felt before. He wondered if this was what people meant by when they talked about soulmates. Elle was all he thought about and it felt like she filled a void he hadn't known he had been missing. He was certain that he was in love with her, and he had been for a long time. And she was too, or least she had started to fall in love with him. Everything felt right with her at his side. But now? Elle very well could be dead and he wasn't too far behind._

 _He had done a little research, getting a gun would take too long. The thought of swallowing pills made him nauseous. But it was New York, there was always the subway or a tall building. All he knew was that he wanted the buzzing in his head to stop. It was constant and haunting. He wanted to blow the thought out of his head._

 _"I'm not yours, you don't own me. I'm leaving this tour, this stupid city, and all your bullshit. I quit."_

 _Those had been the last words she had said to him. He didn't blame her for leaving or quitting. He had treated her like shit for such a long time. Today was unacceptable. He had been mad. But she wasn't the one who should have hurt herself. It was he who deserved it. His shoulders shook and he tucked his chin into his knees and cried. He had fucked up and there was no fixing it. He didn't want to be without her and the world would be better off without him. There was no changing his mind._

 _He wasn't sure how long he sat there on the floor, but it was late. He had been thinking of his family and friends. If they'd even bat an eye when he was gone. Katie and his mom had made it clear they were disgusted by him. His jaw still ached from where Carlos had landed a heavy hit, a bruise was blooming around his eye from James, and his lip was split from Logan. He just wanted everything to stop, he wanted to be with Elle, and he wanted everything to be okay. He wasn't going to be without her, but he knew if she was safe he had to stick around to make things right. But if she wasn't-_

 _A shrill ring broke his train of thought and he scrambled to his feet. Out in the sitting room, Gustavo's back was turned to everyone as he answered. The room waited with bated breath, his friends all gripped each others' shoulders. Kelly looked like she might cry as she joined them in their huddle. Nobody even looked in Kendall's direction._

 _"Liz." Gustavo was out of breath. "Are you there? Is she, is she okay?"_

 _Kendall's eyes were full of tears and his stomach flipped over with nerves. He was positive he didn't deserve any favors, but he prayed to every higher power that Elle was alive. But when Gustavo let out a low sigh, Kendall had to put his hand over his mouth to stop himself from being sick._

 _"Jesus Christ." The producer shook his head and took off his glasses. "I'm so sorry. Okay, yeah. Call me back."_

 _There was a soft thud of his phone being tossed onto the table. Kendall was wracked with small sobs and looked to his friends who were holding each other. It took Gustavo a moment to turn around. It was out of character to see him with red eyes._

 _"That was Liz?" It was Carlos who asked, his voice was shaking. "Is Elle-?"_

 _"Is she okay?" Kendall finished. "Fuck... is she okay?"_

 _"No thanks to you."_ _Gustavo shot his a look that could kill and then looked to the rest of the group. "Elle overdosed and slit her wrists. It's b-bad but she's alive. They pumped her stomach, she's going to be okay, physically at least."_

 _Kendall could have cried if he hadn't been already. Elle was alive. He ran his hand through his hair and sucked in a breath. He felt like he might collapse and walked up to his friends. They all hugged each other and gave each other relieved smiles. Kendall held his arms out and James' face hardened._

 _"Get the fuck out of here, man."_

 _The cold glares were enough to send him back to the other room. He walked back to the window and looked down to the sidewalk below him. Elle was alive, she was okay. The relief he felt was enough to make him dizzy. The guilt was still crushing but his mind was made up._

 _He'd do anything to make things up to her._

* * *

Kendall was grateful things had turned out differently. Every time he saw Elle, he breathed a sigh of relief. She was too good of a person to not be here. He still felt guilty for what he had done. It was even more disgusting now that he knew what Jett had done, but he was really trying to make things up to her. The past few days had seemed like a good start. He had gotten to show her his true self. He had shown her his hometown, introduced her to his mom, and then there was yesterday. It had been unexpected but it felt right. They had been drawn right back to each other and it felt like no time had passed.

The thought of her nails digging into the skin of his shoulders and the way she clung to him made Kendall smile. The guys had been curious when he got on the bus last night. They had asked if he had been with Elle and if the ice rink had been a date. It seemed that social media wondered the same thing. His notifications were full of people asking if they were back together. There were also people cautioning Elle.

 _RushingforElle: I hope she's careful. Kendick clearly has anger issues._

 _xoHarperxo: I wouldn't date someone who posted my nudes and pushed me but that's just me I guess._

It was true, he definitely did have a temper. He wouldn't blame Elle for not wanting to be with him because of it. He really tried to keep it under control but that day in New York had been too much and he snapped. Not that it made it okay, but he would never let himself get that upset with her again. He had almost lost her because of it.

His friends, his family, and the world wanted to know if they'd end up together. It felt too public for something that was about two people. He had learned from his mistakes and knew that this needed to be between them. So much of their relationship had already been on display. And as much as everyone wondered if they were back together, he was in the exact same boat. Kendall was certain that he wanted to be with her. But who knew if Elle wanted to be with him? He hoped she did though, he wanted nothing more than to make her happy. As far as he was concerned, this girl made him want to be better and he wanted to be with her forever. He was lost without her.

He thought of the Rolling Stone article, there was one line that had always stuck with him.

 _Watching them is like watching the sun, and the planets revolve around it. Always in sync._

That's how he thought of their relationship. Elle was the sun and he was stuck in her orbit, his whole world revolving around her. And he would be perfectly happy to stay like that. He would spend the rest of his life being pulled in by her and he would grateful for every second of it.

* * *

After being made fun of for using the skate trainer and threatening to kick them off my bus while going down the highway, we settled in for a movie. We had another five and a half hours to go and nothing but time to kill. The only thing we could agree on was a horror movie but it only held half of my attention. I was still looking through Twitter. The only thing he had tweeted was a thank you to a fan who said she liked his album. I decided the best thing to do was break the ice.

 **I've kidnapped your friends.**

His reply was quick and I wondered if he had been debating if he should text first.

 **Keep them, the quiet is nice.**

 **Being on my own bus is boring at night but I don't miss the sound of the blender. It ruins my beauty sleep.**

 **Did you sleep last night, I was worried about you? And you don't need beauty sleep.**

His concern was touching. I had spent the better part of the past few days sharing his bed because it had been the only way I could sleep. But I had taken my first sleeping pill last night and had no trouble for once.

 **It was okay, gotta love prescription strength sleeping pills.**

 **Well if you ever want a natural alternative...**

 **You just want me back in your bed, Kendork.**

He replied with the shrugging emoji and I snorted. **Maybe. I definitely don't hate waking up next to you.**

 **I thought you'd be tired of having me in your bed.**

 **Right now tired I'm because I had you in my bed.**

 **You're welcome for that. It was a good time.**

 **Three times, actually.**

It was a flirty conversation and my lips curled into a smile and I inhaled deeply. It was easy to flirt with him, I liked it and how natural it felt. Nothing was forced we just had chemistry.

 **Could have been four but someone was tired...**

I added an eye roll emoji before hitting send. Three dots that let me know he was typing popped up so I switched to Twitter. My mentions were mostly people talking about my album but Kendall's name was there more than once.

 _colorsxelle: I still can't believe Kendall did what he did and Elle still went on a date and spent the night._

 _RushingforElle: I hope she's careful. Kendick clearly has anger issues._

 _xoHarperxo: I wouldn't date someone who posted my nudes and pushed me but that's just me I guess._

The tweets left a bitter taste in my mouth and I swallowed. They had a valid point. The flirting came easy and we had fallen back into bed. But that didn't mean the Kendall Incident hadn't happened. And I came to the realization that there was no proof something like this wouldn't happen again. My phone buzzed with a text.

 **Kick out my friends and there could be a fourth time.**

The contrast between his text and the fans' tweets made my head spin. I wanted him, I wanted him to come crawl into my bed and take off my clothes. But I didn't want him to lose his temper with me, I didn't want him to tell me I'd be doing everyone a favor if I killed myself. I didn't want to walk on eggshells and wonder when the other shoe would drop. I had done that enough. With Jett and with Kendall at the start of tour. I refused to hold my breath and wait for him to lash out.

So it didn't matter that his next text made me squirm or that the past few days had been nice. It didn't matter that I had liked waking up next to him or that he took me ice skating. I couldn't get hurt and I wouldn't. I had to protect myself.

* * *

The guys got off my bus after we finished the movie. They had a live stream and I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I was in the rest stop parking lot, leaning against my bus with a cigarette. Kendall ambled up next to me and lit up his own. I had left him on read for an hour and he was quick to point that out.

"So did that picture leave you speechless or what?" He teased. "It's nothing you haven't seen before."

"Ha. Uh, no, I just got sidetracked." I flicked some ashed onto the ground. "I'm filming that video soon and the nominations are coming out for the Tween Choice Awards."

"You have no reason to be nervous. You put out an amazing album and your last video was great. This one will be too."

I gave him a tight smile. "Thank you. That means a lot."

Kendall took a deep drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke out slowly like he was savoring it. "My mom knows I still smoke by the way."

"Really? How'd she catch you." I thought of the way Kendall had taken great care to go out to the side of the house the other morning. "You were careful."

He laughed at himself. "I went to sit her bags down inside the airport yesterday and they fell out of my shirt pocket."

I joined in on the laughter and elbowed him."Dumbass."

"Those things are going to kill you, Kendall Donald Knight." He mimicked his mother in a high pitched voice. "I know they're bad for you but _fuck,_ there's nothing better."

"I blame the ad agencies. They made smoking seem cool 50 years ago and it stuck." I blew a plume of smoke too. "Liz keeps printing out studies about the effects of smoking on singers. Not exactly subtle."

Kendall leaned against the bus and our shoulders brushed. "Is nicotine really worth dying over?"

"Everything that's enjoyable comes back to bite you in the ass."

As soon as I said this it reminded me of that very first time we smoked together outside Rocque Records. We had just started writing _Night Like This_ and Kendall had been nothing but rude all week. Our smoke break had been the first time he had seemed normal. It made me dizzy to think about how much had happened between then and now. He must have been thinking the same thing because he scuffed his shoe against the ground.

"So, are we dating?"

I nearly swallowed the end of my cigarette. "What?"

"What are we? Are we back together?" He was unblinking and waited for an answer.

"I... I don't know. The past few days have been great but, but-" I searched for words.

"But you don't want to be with me?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to get hurt again."

This made him frown. "Who said I'm going to hurt you? Did I hurt you yesterday? Did I pressure you? Because I didn't mean to, I'm really sorry if-."

"No, no, no. Yesterday was fine." I backtracked when he looked offended. "It was good, I wanted to. I just think it was a mistake."

"A mistake?" He raised his voice a little and tilted his head. "Sleeping with me was a mistake?"

I rubbed my arm and fumbled for words. "I just don't think we should be together."

"Why not?" He wasn't angry but his tone was firm and his offense was clear. "I thought we had a good time together."

"It _was_ a good time. I had fun, I just don't know if it was real."

Kendall reached for my hand. "It was real, it was so real. I wanted to show you where I came from. I've been an asshole all summer, that's not me though. I just want to prove that to you. I just want to love you."

His words made my eyes sting and I lit a new cigarette. "I don't want to get hurt."

This got under his skin because he dropped my hand and rubbed his fists into his eyes. "Fuck. Elle, I'm not going to hurt you again. I swear to god, you know that."

"But I don't know that." I hated the fact that my words made me sad and that my face was growing hot. "I had fun, thank you for the date and the sleepovers. It was sweet and thoughtful and fun but-"

"But you hate me."

He was impossible and it made me grit my teeth. "I didn't s-say that! Don't put words in my mouth. I don't fucking hate you."

"But you don't want to be with me."

"I just think we should be strangers again. Tour's over in two weeks and then we can go back to not knowing each other."

Kendall closed the gap and put his hand on my waist. "I can't go back to that. I love you, I'm not getting over you."

"Well, try. I know it sucks but so does getting my nudes shared and fucked as a bet. I can't be scared all the time."

Before he could say anything, Kelly's head popped around the corner. She looked at both of our expressions before cringing, I took the chance to wipe my face.

"Kendall, we have the livestream."

"Fuck, not now." He grumbled. "Give me two seconds, Kel."

Kelly rolled her eyes at this and left us to it. But I was grateful for the chance to escape. I flicked my cigarette to the ground and stomped it out.

"You should go."

He caught my wrist in his hand. "Elle, can't we talk about this?"

His green eyes were full of sadness and he frowned at me. "I can't be with you. I'm sorry."

"Len, please. I love you."

I pressed a hasty kiss to his lips and gave him a soft smile. The heartbroken way he looked at me was how I felt on the inside. "I'm sorry."

His fingers came up to touch his mouth and I walked away, fighting back tears. It hurt and my heart twinged from what just occured. Kendall was bad news and he was just going to hurt me again. I knew my heart would be broken eventually so I had beat him to it, hoping it would be less painful. But the churning in my stomach and the tears in my eyes told me what I already anticipated, not being with Kendall was even worse than I thought it would be.

It was agonizing and it would hurt forever, but it was for the best.

At least I hoped it was.

* * *

AN: Elle's decided to not be with Kendall and he's not too thrilled with that. What decision would you make if you were in Elle's shoes? Kendelle's so complicated but they care for each other. We also saw that Kendall's been thinking about a future with Elle and what happened when she left New York. I always like to throw in a flashback every so often for some spice. The next chapter tackles the Tween Choice nomination and will probably be a bit shorter.

Thank you for reading, I appreciate it and would be thankful if you left a review!

I plan on updating twice in September. See you in a week or so.


	35. Chapter 35

AN: Another Thursday, another chapter. This picks up two days after the previous update. Thank you for the feedback last time, as always it's appreciated. I hope you enjoy and please let me know what your favorite part was. Please read the note at the end.

* * *

We had made it to Toronto by the skin of our teeth. Our rainy delay meant that we had spent much of yesterday playing catch up. My soundcheck had been a hastened affair on a semi-constructed stage that was half it's usual length. When it came time for the guys to do theirs, a broken microphone had startled all of us when it squealed with feedback. But by showtime, the stage crew had managed to pull everything together and the concert went off without a hitch. There had been good weather and we left for the next stop on time.

I had found the whole thing a bit symbolic. Everything seemed to be falling apart after a few blissful days in Minnesota. We were in Ottawa and the bad luck seemed to continue. I was in my dressing room with Liz's hand pressed to my forehead.

"I'm fine. I promise."

"You don't feel warm but you don't look great." When she caught my glare she tutted. "You know what I mean. You look sick and you sound scratchy."

The tea soothed my throat and I sniffed. "I'll be fine by tonight. I just need some cold medicine and to rest my voice for a while."

"It's probably just a bug from the rain. Hopefully you'll recover by the time we get to Vancouver for the music video shoot." She seemed to be talking herself down from calling a doctor. "It had to happen eventually."

"A bug, yeah. Or the Minnesota Curse."

Liz looked up from where she was texting. "The what?"

I hadn't meant to say that out loud and I flushed. "I don't know it just seems like things have gone to shit since Minnesota. The rain, being late yesterday, I'm sick. It's like there's a curse on me or something."

"This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain blonde asshole would it?" Her language surprised me and she simply gave a dismissive wave. "What? You know I don't like him. You come first and he hurt you. Excuse me for not thinking too highly of him. Are we going to talk about how you disappeared all four days we were there?"

There hadn't been time to discuss it yesterday between being in a hurry and Liz literally trying to rent a helicopter, but now that we were alone I knew I was in for an interrogation. I wasn't too sure what it was like to be a teenager with an overbearing mother. But Liz's stare made me almost grateful I had spent half of my childhood in foster care and my early teenage years with an aunt older than time itself. Liz was fourteen years older than me, so too young to be my mother but old enough to make me feel like she could ground me.

"I wouldn't call it disappearing exactly." I squirmed a bit under her unrelenting gaze. "Maybe... sightseeing?"

This made her crack the slightest of smiles for a moment. "Call it what you want to. All I know is that you went to his house after breakfast and spent exactly zero nights in your hotel room."

"In my defense one night was at James' in a guest bedroom, alone."

"This 'sightseeing' adventure of yours..." She indulged with a grimace. "Did he do anything? Were there any issues?"

As much as she tried to put on a business-as-usual face, I recognized the worry in her features. I knew she was always nervous about another Jett, and now, Kendall Incident.

"The first night we were both just bored and I didn't feel like doing some stupid phone interview." She looked offended and I groaned. "You know what I mean. He drove me around town and went grocery shopping. We watched some crime show and he made dinner. I had too much wine and crashed there. The second night I met his mom and sister. You were there for the third, and the last day was interesting, to say the least."

Liz was now sitting across from me and her arms were folded. "How was meeting his mother?"

"She's nice. She apologized for Kendall being a dick and said she was rooting for me when I was away. His sister is chill, she actually wants to work at Condor. We talked about how Kendall's still into me. It felt normal meeting his family. You know I only met Jett's once and it was awful. They were polite and made me feel at home. You can tell his family is close."

"I'm just glad he shaved that beard, it made him look like some dirty hipster. What about the night of the party? You two were practically on another planet when I found you onstage. Did he write you another song?"

I had almost forgotten about the song, that moment seemed so small now compared to everything else. "Yeah. It's a beautiful song and he was shy about it. But I told him at the party I just wanted one normal night so he backed off. I guess that leads to the last day. We took his family to the airport and his mom told me to take care of myself."

She seemed to agree with what his mom had said. "You really should. Then you went on some ice skating escapade?"

This made me laugh and I threw a cough drop at her. "It was a surprise and really touching. I told him I wanted to learn way back in July. He made me cover my eyes and when I opened them there we were. He told me he wanted to show me who he truly was. He taught me to skate and we talked about his dad and my foster care and it was fun. And then we kissed and he took me back to his place."

If she had been surprised by the sex she didn't let it show. "Was it consensual?"

"Yeah, honest. I wanted to sleep with him. Our date was so sweet, Jett never did anything like that. I found out so much more about him and his family." I picked at my fingernails and my words were rushed as they came out. "He wrote me a song and h-helped me fall asleep. And then when we kissed, it felt good. And having sex felt right. But n-now-"

The sharp crack of my voice gave away my vulnerability and I couldn't look Liz in the eye. She placed a calming hand on my shoulder and I heard her click her tongue and sigh.

"Elle, what's wrong?"

"He asked me if we were dating and I said no. I said we couldn't be together."

"Did he get angry with you? If he touched you again I swear to god-"

"No." I denied this with a firm shake of my head as tears finally overflowed. "He asked me why and I told him the truth. I-I couldn't lie to him."

Liz's brows were furrowed and her voice was full of hushed concern. "What did you tell him?"

I felt about three inches tall and beyond pitiful as I cried. "I told him I'm scared of getting hurt again. And I know it's stupid but I don't want him to shove me or tell me to k-kill myself. I'm scared of it happening again, o-or what if he does what Jett did? I can't stop thinking of what could go wrong. And I hate myself for it because he makes me happy and I care about him. But I don't trust him."

"Come on, that's not stupid. That's smart and really brave. You have every right to protect yourself and do what you want. No one can force you into being with him. And I'm not going to let anything happen to you. No one will hurt you on my watch. Not Kendall or Jett or any other asshole." She rubbed her hands over my arms and squeezed my shoulders. "And maybe he makes you happy but I've seen just how low he makes you feel. You've been through so much and it's only natural to be worried."

"I know but he wants-"

She held up her hand and shook her head. "It doesn't matter what he wants. What do you want?"

I wasn't sure how to answer her question. On one hand, I wanted to stop being confused and sad all of the time. I was a constant mess of emotions and anxieties. I wanted to stop having nightmares about my nudes being leaked or being shoved to the ground. I wanted to stop holding my breath every time I logged onto social media. But on the other hand, I wanted to be back in Shakopee between Kendall's sheets. I wanted to be in his bunk with his arms around me while we slept. I wanted to take him to Arizona and show him where I came from. But mostly, I just wanted the constant back and forth to stop. I felt helpless and my whole body sort of just gave in to that sinking feeling.

"I just want this summer to be over."

* * *

I always hated being sick, even as a kid. It wasn't even not feeling well that I didn't like. I hated being babied, it made me feel helpless. I could remember fighting off a foster dad when he had to put drops in my ears when I had an infection, I had thrown a fit when Jett dragged me to the doctor for the flu. And I had fought with Liz when she insisted that I canceled an event when I had been battling morning sickness for the few weeks I had been pregnant. The only time I didn't mind being taken care of was when I was a kid and my mom would look after me. She always made me tea with honey and added cold water so I wouldn't burn my mouth. It stuck with me to this day. But when Liz tucked me in on the couch in my dressing room after a dose of cold medicine, I didn't even attempt to argue. My breakdown about Kendall had proven too much for my immune system and all I wanted was to rest. The only bright side was that I wasn't tired thanks to the sleeping pills. But I was more than happy to watch TV on my laptop. I was filming a music video in a few days and I really wanted to be healthy by then. My relaxation was short-lived because there was a soft knock at the door.

"Who is it?" A cough rattled my chest as I sat up. "Come in."

"Did we wake you?" Logan held up a brown paper bag. "Liz said you were resting but we went out for lunch and brought you soup."

This was sweet and I waved them inside. "No, you're good. I'm just watching a show. Thank you.'

James sat on the arm of the couch and set down a to-go cup that had a tea bag hanging over the side. "This should help your throat and cough."

"How'd you know that's what hurts?"

Carlos seemed to be unsure if he should speak but went for it anyway. "Kendall's sick too."

A mouthful of chicken noodle soup went down the wrong pipe and I sputtered. "Great, this is what I fucking get for sleeping with Kendall."

"If it makes you feel better, he's a giant pussy when he's sick." Logan patted me on the back as I coughed. "He's in his dressing room with the humidifier and vapor rub acting like he caught the plague."

The idea of Kendall hanging over a plume of steam and whining did cheer me up a tiny bit. "Does he have soup?"

"Vegetable. We figured he doesn't deserve chicken noodle after the whole Bet Bullshit, as he calls it."

I gave James a shove but smiled. "I love you assholes. And thank you, you're too sweet."

"I'm glad you're awake. You know what today is right?"

My stare was blank as I waited for Carlos to clarify. "Wednesday?"

"It's Thursday. But the Tween Choice noms come out in ten minutes. Kelly set up the stream in the production office."

Between not feeling well and stressing about Kendall, I had forgotten. I wasn't sure how, this was _the_ award show of the summer. I had been honored to win a few purple rockets in my time. I had five sitting in my music room back home but those were all before the Jett Incident. Winning at this year's ceremony would mean that my comeback was a success. It would mean that neither Jett or Kendall could keep me down. People always said it's an honor just to be nominated but I worried I wouldn't even make it that far.

"Oh, shit." I pushed my blanket off my lap. "I guess we should see what the fuss is about."

The guys were animated as we walked down the hall. James was hoping he'd be nominated for Best Hair. He had a score to settle after losing a few years back.

"Sure, Amy has nice hair but I doubt she has a whole system." He griped as he gestured to his head. "At least Jett didn't win that year."

Logan, who was kind enough to carry my soup turned to me. "Weren't you two together then?"

I had been hoping that it wouldn't come up. I remembered that year's TCAs like it was yesterday. Jett and I had gotten in a fight about how he was too flirty with his costar. He ended up crashing at a friend's at the Palm Woods and wandering into Kendall's mom's place in a coked-out haze. I had walked the carpet alone and embarrassed. But I didn't mention this now.

"Unfortunately."

Liz, Gustavo, and Kelly were chatting idly when we entered the room. The live stream was about to start at any moment and Liz seemed confident.

"I have a good feeling about this year."

"You say that every year," I told her as I sat down. "Who knows if they liked the album."

From behind his desk, Gustavo scoffed. "Elle, it's gone platinum. People like the album."

Kendall came into the room in a flurry of coughs and sniffles. Even with my stuffy nose, I could smell the vapor rub on his chest. His cheeks were red and his hair was damp from the steam. He had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and leaned against the doorframe.

"Hey, guys."

His friends gave half-assed greetings and I looked only at the screen. I hadn't seen him since last night's show and I wanted to keep it that way. The stream started and several nominees were announced. James started us off strong with a nomination for Best Hair.

"Jo Taylor is nominated for Best TV Girlfriend for _New Town High._ "

Her cheerful smile stared out from the screen and I shifted uneasily. Jo was something else that had been in the back of my mind. I had seen a few screenshots of tweets she had liked that were calling me a bitch. And there was a TMZ video of her in Italy telling a fan to ask me what happened between her and Kendall. But this was small compared to the next nominee.

"Jett Stetson is nominated for Best TV Boyfriend for _New Town High,_ Best Rom-Com Actor for _Chasing Chances_ , Summer Crush, and Best Hair."

His smug grin made me sick to my stomach and James leaned over to whisper in my ear.

"I'm gonna kick his ass and I don't mean just for Best Hair."

This lightened the mood and I whispered back a thank you. It was finally time for music nominees and we all grew quiet as we watched.

"Big Time Rush is nominated for: Best Tour, Best Group Single for _Just Getting Started_ and for Best Group Album for _Don't Stop_."

We all burst into cheers about their nominations. I was genuinely happy for them, they had busted their asses his summer and deserved this and more. I was also glad that my drama hadn't brought them down. It was time for the solo artist categories and I bit my thumbnail. Liz shot a supportive smile my way but my leg still bounced anxiously. I watched as several people were nominated and I was convinced my name wouldn't come up. But when I saw my face I sighed a breath of relief. Even if it was just one nomination, I'd be appreciative.

"Elle Harper is nominated for: Best Sleeper Hit for _Colors_ and Best Album for _It's Kind of a Long Story."_

My heart swelled in my chest and a large grinned spread across my face. The guys pulled me into a group hug as we celebrated my nominations.

"And you thought no one liked the album." Gustavo rolled his eyes and pointed to himself. "I produced it. Of course it's good."

On-screen the host was fiddling with a new envelope. "Elle Harper is also nominated for Best Summer Single for _Night Like This_ featuring Kendall Knight."

And just like that my smile slid off my face and the energy in the room vanished. There was a clip of the music video playing. I was on Kendall's lap and his lips were pressed against my neck. There was a lead weight in my stomach and when I turned, green eyes burned a hole into me. I pushed myself to my feet so hard that my chair rocked. I muttered a thank you and my congratulations to my friends before sweeping out of the room.

I was probably being ridiculous but my face was hot and panic bloomed in my chest. I knew I should be excited and grateful but the fact that I still had to acknowledge the song we had written together made me upset. The last time I had sung it was over a month ago. The day the pictures had been leaked, I had been pulled off stage before the duet. We had sung it the night before at the award show in New York. Since then, I hadn't heard the song once. I knew it was still popular and still on the radio but I wanted nothing to do with it.

I tried to look on the bright side as I stepped out into the parking lot of the venue with my cigarettes. I had not one, not two, but three nominations. I was beyond proud that _Colors_ had been chosen, it wasn't a single but fans still loved it. And it wasn't about Kendall so that was something. I was excited my album was so well received, it wasn't often a comeback album did so well. But the fact that _Night Like This_ was nominated made me distraught. There were so many memories tied to that three-minute song. I could still remember the way Kendall's fingers brushed against my thigh as he tapped out the song's rhythm. He had stared at my lips as I sang about kissing. We had smoked outback and it had been the first time I hadn't been irritated by him. And of course the video had been when things really kicked off.

"Oh, come on." I clicked my lighter but no flame came out. "I hate this fucking day."

The door swung open next to me and it took all my willpower to not throw the lighter at Kendall's face. He was the last person I wanted to see, I was in no mood for his fake sheepishness or passionate speeches about how we belonged together.

"Here." He held up his lighter and lit my cigarette for me. "You shouldn't smoke when you're sick."

"And you shouldn't post people's nudes and drive them to slit their wrists but here we fucking are."

He flinched at my words. "I'm sorry, are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay. I have to be nominated and probably perform that stupid song with you. I have to stand on stage and act like I don't want to be sick every time I think about you."

Kendall buried his hands in his pockets. "I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything as I stood there and took a drag. The smoke irritated my throat and I fought a cough, not wanting to prove him right. Kendall looked just as sick as I felt and I wondered just how much more we'd have to share. We had shared beds, orgasms, and germs. It was getting to be too much. I was more than ready to not be trapped in the same place with him every day. I loved touring but at least he couldn't show up unannounced at my apartment. His constant shuffling was on my nerves so I stomped out the ashes onto the ground.

"Feel better." He called out as I opened the door. "And congratulations."

He looked like he wanted to say more but he decided against it. I just let out a long sigh. "You too."

There was only a week until the end of the summer. Only five more shows and the Tween Choice Awards stood between me and never seeing Kendall again. But right now, it felt like a lifetime away.

* * *

By the time the show rolled around, I was hopped up on cold medicine and vapor rub. I hadn't seen Kendall since he came out to apologize to me. I was pretty sure Liz and the guys had something to do with that. She kept telling me I should relax and the guys kept the conversation positive. Despite my sour mood, everyone was excited about the nominations. Even Gustavo was upbeat.

"Great news, I put my foot down and we're flying out to Winnepeg."

"How'd you manage that? Griffin seemed adamant about testing out the buses this summer." Kelly then backtracked. "Not that I'm not thrilled."

Gustavo wore his self-satisfied smirk. "Combined we have seven nominations for the Tween Choice Awards. I told Griffin that deserves a flight instead of a 22-hour drive."

"I still don't see why we had to go back and forth. Minnesota is so much closer to there than here."

Logan's comment caused their producer to get huffy. "Apparently, Beyonce's stop there was more important than Big Time Rush and Elle Harper. Which is bullshit, I'm _the_ Gustavo Rocque."

His indignation brought a smile to my face. "And we all know you're much more popular than Beyonce."

"I'll have you know I have two more Grammys than she does." He started counting off on his fingers. "I also have six houses to her five."

I rolled my eyes good-naturedly and put in my inner earpieces. "Well, in that case..."

"Go start the show before he starts naming all his number one songs," Liz warned and ushered me to the stage. "Break a leg, have fun and we'll keep tea stocked out there."

"Thanks." I took my microphone and put on my best show smile. "Ottawa, are you ready to party?"

* * *

My throat ached and my voice cracked a few times but the show was going better than expected. The fans didn't mind that I was sick and sang along with me when I needed to rest my voice. I always took some time to talk to my fans and sign CDs that were tossed onto the stage.

"I know some of you brought signs so let's see them!" I took a drink of tea and leaned against my mic stand. "Come on, hold them up!"

A sea of posterboards appeared before me and I squinted. Some of them were funny and made puns about my songs. One proudly informed me that they had driven 6 hours to see me and some asked for me to say hello.

"Katy, how's it going? I see you out there!" I walked over to the other side of the stage. "Happy Birthday, Jade! I hope it's a great day!"

I peered into the first few rows and noticed a group of women my age holding a sign.

 _This is my bachelorette party!_

"Holy shit. _This_ is your bachelorette party?" I leaned toward them and pointed to the person wearing a veil. "When's the wedding?"

"This weekend!"

The fact that someone would want to be here before their big day was heartwarming. "Congratulations! Tag me on Instagram so I can see the pictures."

I picked up my thermos of tea and took a long sip. I made a mental note to ask Liz to find their seats and send the woman a bottle of champagne. I read a few more signs and nearly choked when a new one cropped up. It was further back and the hot pink paint was hard to miss.

 _Get back with Kendall! #Kendelleforever._

Tea almost came out of my nose and I coughed hard for a moment. When I finally settled, I noticed Liz looking concerned. I gave her a thumbs up to let her know I wasn't dying. Behind her, Kendall was watching my set. Part of me wondered if he had paid someone to stand with that sign, but then I decided he wasn't smart enough to come up with something like that.

"This next song is from my newest album. It's called Trouble so let me see you sing along!"

By the time I wrapped up my set, my throat was scratchy. I thanked the crowd and took a final bow before running offstage. A crew member took my microphone and Liz was waiting with cough drops.

"Good show as always, how's your throat?"

"A little hoarse. There's a group in maybe the third row on the left side of the stage. You can't miss them one has a veil on, can we send them champagne and a card? She's getting married this weekend."

She walked to where she could see the crowd and scanned the rows. "Brown hair? Black tour shirt? There's like four of them?"

I craned my neck to see. "Yeah, her. Hopefully, she'll tag me on social media or something."

"I'll handle it, go rest before you have to go back out."

"Thanks, I'll see you in 30."

I wished the guys a good show before heading to my dressing room. There was always a bit of dead time between the end of my set and when I came out to sing with Big Time Rush. I would miss seeing them perform every night it was always entertaining. After a quick clean up and change of outfit, I was back at the side of the stage. This was the time of the show where they experimented a little. Sometimes they sang an older song, last night they had sung _Halfway There_ which was a major throwback. Logan had debuted a solo song a few days ago and James and Carlos mentioned wanting to play a new song sometime this week. So, of course, it was just my luck that Kendall was tuning a guitar. If I hadn't been getting attached to my wires and mic pack I would have made a break for it.

"How are we feeling tonight?" Kendall's question was met with a combination of jeers and applause which made him cringe. "I'm a little under the weather but I thought I'd play something I was working on."

"Jesus, here we go," I muttered to Liz who shared my lack of enthusiasm. "We should have negotiated this when I came back."

Kendall was playing a surprisingly upbeat introduction, there was a bit of synth to it and I hated to admit that I was intrigued. We had our differences but the musician in me wanted to hear it.

"Figuring out it's habitual, you're calling my name at night. Picking you up like's a ritual, breathing you in it clears my mind." He started in a hushed tone and his body language told me he was a bit nervous. He sang about how he wanted to keep me nearby. "Letting you go is impossible, only you can help me to unwind."

The synth and guitar came crashing in at the start of the chorus. His friends looked irritated with him but clapped along for the sake of appearances.

"I'm not giving up for nothing, they tell me I'm dead if I don't leave you alone, like nicotine." He glanced over his shoulder and a smile pulled at his face when he saw me watching. "We've got nothing but potential, I've tried but I can't put you down on my own, like nicotine."

He was comparing me to cigarettes. I had asked him if smoking was worth the health risk. Once in LA while we wrote the duet and just yesterday. We had been smoking and I told him everything we loved came back to hurt us in the end. I had been talking about our relationship but I didn't realize he had picked up on it. The analogy carried over into the next few lines.

"Drowning myself in your chemicals, feeling my heart intoxify. Lighting you up was so casual, now I'm craving you all the time." He laughed to himself and continued strumming. "I'm addicted to everything you represent."

The next line was about how I was his pick me up. I tried not to think about relentless his energy was when we had sex the other day. Maybe it was because it had been a while or because he missed me, but when he had been too tired to move all I had to do was press a hard kiss to his lips and he was ready to go again.

"Telling myself that I'm functional but you have a high I can't deny." Green eyes stared into mine and he laughed to himself. "So addicting, she's so addicting."

Kendall's voice was scratchy and it added a raspy quality to the song that even I had to admit was attractive. Between the stage lights and his cold, his cheeks were flushed the same shade of red they'd get when we fucked. But I tried not to think about this as he reached the chorus. He was full of determination and he bounced to the beat of the song. He was entirely in his element. Performing and irritating me came as easy as breathing to him.

"No, I'm not giving up for nothing. They tell me I'm dead if I don't leave you alone, like nicotine. We've got nothing but potential now." Kendall turned and gave me a smile that made my stomach tie itself into knots. His voice cracked from his sore throat and he ignored the crowd in front of him. "I've tried but I can't put you down on my own, like nicotine."

He finished the song by repeating the chorus and when it ended, the audience responded with polite applause. My fans still didn't trust him and I didn't blame them. Kendall came offstage so I could sing with his friends. He made a beeline towards me and I held my hand up to stop Liz.

"Well?" He asked with a smug grin. "What did you think?"

His attitude made me roll my eyes. "I think you should invest in that gum that helps you quit smoking."

"It's not cigarettes I'm addicted to, Eleanor." He drawled and bent down to whisper in my ear. "We should be together. You know that."

My hands went to his chest and he must have thought I was going to kiss him because he leaned in. I gave him a hard shove and he stumbled. "All _I_ know is that you're having some kind of fever-induced hysteria."

This made him laugh and he stretched his arms and shrugged. "I'm in no hurry for you to figure it out. You'll see."

* * *

Kendall's cough syrup fueled delusions didn't ruin my time on stage. We sang the two songs we always did and I tried to savor it. Soon enough, tour would be over and I'd miss performing with the guys. But I was still grateful to be in showered and in pajamas after the show. The concert had ended 10 minutes ago and I was making sure I hadn't left anything in my dressing room.

"Your sleeping pill and your last dose of medicine for the day will be on the counter on the bus." Liz reminded me as she pulled out a can of spray. "I'm going to go disinfect the place before you start coughing all over it."

"Thanks. I'll be out in a second."

We were flying to the next stop which was a blessing. The flight wasn't until the morning so the label had booked hotel rooms for everyone. I hoped that sleeping in a real bed would make me feel a bit better. I had missed enough tour already and I wanted to finish off strong. There were only four more tour dates now that today was over. The next few days would be busy with an interview and a video shoot. I put the rest of my things in my bag and was searching for my other slipper.

"Hey."

In the mirror, I saw Kendall in the doorway of my dressing room. He was dressed in basketball shorts and a sweatshirt, he had bags under his eyes and the sound of his voice made my own throat hurt.

"You sound like shit."

This jab had zero effect on him and he reached behind the couch. "Looking for this?"

I reached for the shoe but he held it above his head. In another universe, this would have been cute but it just raised my blood pressure. "Give it."

"I just wanted to say something."

"Kendall, I'm not in the mood." I lunged and was on my tiptoes but he towered over me. "I'm serious."

He sighed and dropped the shoe. "Please?"

"Only if it gets you to leave faster."

"I just wanted to tell you I'm proud of you. I didn't get a chance to say it earlier but you got three nominations. That's awesome."

This wasn't what I was expecting. "Oh, thanks. Congrats to you too. You and the guys worked hard."

"Not as hard as you. I know I didn't make things easy and I know I fucked up your comeback but you deserve every award. Fuck, you deserve a sainthood for putting up with me." He scratched the back of his neck. "The album is amazing, _Colors_ isn't even a single but it's up for an award, that's how talented you are. And I know it must suck for the duet to be nominated."

"It's not my favorite thing."

"I figured. That song as a thousand memories for me. When you win, I won't go up with you. It's your song and I won't ruin the moment."

"You have memories tied to it?"

He laughed and crossed his arms. "Are you kidding? Writing it was the first time we ever hung out one on one. You were so talented and I was amazed. Every night we sang it I got to make you blush. The night we filmed the video I decided that having you on my lap and making out was my new favorite pastime."

This made me laugh and I hit him on the shoulder. "Shut up."

"But seriously, do you remember when we wrote it? I thought you were so pretty but I was trying to ignore that. We wrote the line about feeling the weight of a kiss and all I could think about was how it would feel to have your mouth on mine. Do you remember the day after that? When we played it for Gustavo and Liz? You had tried on some tour outfits and my friends all thought you were hot?"

I hadn't thought about it in a while but the mention of it brought it back to the surface. "I do. You asked if I was allergic to clothes and kept staring at my breasts."

"You told me if I liked what I saw I should just say it." His face turned a shade of pink. "I definitely liked it and I didn't like how my friends stared at you. I had spent the whole night before thinking about what it would be like to kiss you. I almost did the night we wrote it."

"What? When?"

Kendall swallowed hard and seemed embarrassed. "We had a smoke break and it was raining. You didn't know I smoked and we talked about how it was bad for us. I made you laugh and it was one of the best things I ever heard. And I ended up thinking about how easy it would be to lean over and find out what it felt like. I think I knew I was fucked then. Actually, I went home and started writing the song I played tonight."

This confession had left me feeling dizzy and my voice was strained. "You did?"

"I didn't realize it was about you back then. The other day we were out by the buses and you basically said the same thing about everything we love is bad for us. Then I realized it had been about you and I finished it. I'm not sure why I'm surprised, every song I write is about you these days."

I shifted my weight and played with the strap of my bag. "Well, it's not a bad song."

"Really?" He ducked his head. "I know you hate when I play songs about you."

"It's not that I hate it. It's just you're barking up the wrong tree."

The mood shifted. "Why's that?"

"Because I don't want to be with you. And even if I did, I'm scared of you. We've been over this. I'm sorry but-"

Kendall held up his hand to stop me. "You don't have to explain yourself. I get it, I fucked up and you need time. But I just need you to know that I'll wait until you're ready to be with me."

"You better be prepared to wait for the rest of your life then."

"Until the end of time, Len. I love you and I'm never going to feel this way about another person."

The willingness to devote his life to waiting for me was unnerving. No one had ever been this deluded when it came to wanting to date me. Maybe in another universe, we could be soulmates but it certainly wouldn't be in this one. The way his nose was red from his cold and the limp mess of blonde hair that hung in his eyes made him seem extra vulnerable. I squeezed his hand.

"That's really sweet, but-." I suppressed a cough and he frowned. "Sorry."

"I'm the one who got you sick. It was probably the skating and the rain." Kendall looked down to where my small hand was wrapped in his large one. "If you need anything let me know. Tea, cough drops, anything. I'll be there."

His support was unwavering, even in the face of flat out rejection, he was loyal to a fault. He gave me a tired smile and he cleared his throat which sounded sore and raw.

"Thank you, right back at you."

"Feel better, Eleanor." His eyes were soft and he stroked his thumb over my wrist. My stitches had started to heal into thick pink scars. "And for what it's worth I'm glad you're still here and I'm so proud of you."

"I'm glad I'm here too."

We both stared down at the inside of my arm. It made me sick to my stomach to think about how I had been so desperate in that moment. Kendall brought my hand to his lips and held it to his face. He was warm and his eyes were heavy.

"Believe me when I say that I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix this. I'll wait for you forever, Eleanor."

He looked so sick and so tired that I didn't put up a fight. I simply pushed up onto my toes and kissed his feverish cheek.

"Goodnight, Kendall. I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

AN: How many times can I end a chapter with Elle going to bed or saying goodnight? As you can see the summer is winding down and Kendall and Elle are still at odds. There are only a few tour dates left before the Tween Choice Awards so anything can happen.

The next chapter shows the Canadian tour, Elle clears the air about everything that's happened and films her new music video

Also... I've been considering writing a short prequel to this fic about Jett and Elle's relationship prior to the Jett Incident. Would anyone be interested in reading it?

That's all for now, stay tuned for chapter 36 in two weeks or so. I hope to hear from you!


	36. Chapter 36

AN: So, this chapter is long as fuck and I'm not quite sure what happened but we're building up for the final four chapters. Elle films a music video as the tour winds down. Thank you for the feedback last chapter. I appreciate it and I'm glad I could update twice this month. I hope you enjoy and please review.

I highly recommend listening to Wonderland by Taylor Swift. :)

* * *

I had never been more grateful for a flight in my life. The 22-hour drive we almost had to make was cut down to six hours in the air. I worked on some lyrics between staring out the window and napping. Winnipeg greeted us with sunny skies and fans out front. Getting rushed by a group of fans never got old and made me smile. I signed a few autographs and posed for pictures before security whisked us off into black SUVs. James was turned around in his seat looking back at the crowd.

"Damn, it's still exciting every time. Do you guys remember the first time we got mobbed?"

"Hell yeah, dude. After the first concert, they chased us down the street." Carlos was wistful but then shook his head. "You remember when we almost got beaten to a pulp?"

This made me do a double-take and I turned to Logan for clarification. "Fans almost beat you up?"

"No. This was back in high school. The girls' field hockey team was standing near the sprinklers and we turned them on to soak them. In hindsight, it was like 40 degrees out so they were cold and pissed."

"They chased us down into this alley and kicked the shit out of us. But Kendall made me give James my helmet to protect his face."

James slung his arm over Carlos' shoulder. "I love you jerks. That was the same day we auditioned for Gustavo."

"Was it?"

Kendall nodded from the front seat. "We were in my living room covered in bruises and saw it on the news."

I could picture the living room all too clearly. I could imagine the guys bleeding and sitting around the TV. It seemed like ages ago that I sat there with Kendall while he got high. I wasn't sure what to say so I peered out the window. The tour would be over in just a few days and we were planning to make the most of it. One of the perks of flying into the next stop was that we had a bit more time in the schedule. The plan was to have a big tour family lunch. We were trying to make the last few days of the tour count.

James was still talking when I tuned back in. "The Pussycat Dolls did make the pain go away. Elle, maybe you should try watching their videos instead of taking cold medicine."

This made me roll my eyes and I cleared my throat which was still scratchy. "I'll stick to vitamin C and tea, thank you. And I'm feeling better, I think it might have just been a 24-hour thing."

It was true, my fever had broken late last night and coughs didn't rattle me as frequently. Kendall must have been feeling better too because his nose wasn't red and he wasn't was perpetually whiny like he had been yesterday. I was grateful for this because I didn't need a cold riddled Kendall on top of him already being lovesick to distract me.

It took an intense round of rock-paper-scissors but we ended up settling on an Italian restaurant near the venue with great. The plates were piled high with pasta and bread. Bottles of wine were passed around. Liz was laidback and little more carefree. At the end of every tour, there was a point when she stopped being so uptight. She didn't bat an eye as I helped myself to plenty of wine. I could only imagine how ready she was for this summer to be over.

"I'm going to miss you hockeyheads when this is over."

"We live in the same city, you know."

I rolled my eyes at James. "It's not the same and you know that."

"If you want to have a big-time sleepover we can," Logan spoke up. "We should actually go out and get drunk without having to wake up at the crack of dawn for interviews."

"I may have to take you up on that. I'm going to miss seeing you guys every day."

Further down the table Kendall was pushing his food around his plate and avoiding my eye. His friends and I were close even after all the drama, I wondered what it would be like after we weren't trapped in each other's presence. Would Carlos, James, Logan, and I make plans behind his back? Or would Kendall know that I was purposely avoiding him? I didn't have time to dwell because Carlos was raising his glass.

"To a great fucking tour and even better summer."

We all clinked our glasses together and the wine was sour in my mouth. The end of tour felt like a lifetime away.

* * *

The Winnepeg show had gone better than the one before it. My voice hadn't been as worn out and I didn't have to stop for a coughing fit. The guys performed with the same boundless energy they always had and I was still entertained by them.

Our next stop was Regina. It was a modest six hours away, so no flight. I was already crafting the argument I could make for a private jet instead of a bus for the next tour. I had spent some of the ride there on the studio bus with my band. I had a song idea stuck in my head since Toronto and was glad to have gotten it out. In an unsurprising turn of events, it was about Kendall. Gustavo thought it was one of the best I had written and encourage me to test it out on stage. I promised him I'd think about it.

I spent the remainder of the ride to Regina on the BTR bus having a movie marathon. James was fixated on a new actress' films and working his way through them all. So he had chosen one of her movies. It was most likely a standard rom-com involving some miscommunication between two stubborn, good looking people. I wasn't shy about letting James know this.

"Why are you watching this? I mean, she's obviously a workaholic who thinks she has no time for love. The guy's probably an easy-going charmer who makes her see the little things in life. It's predictable and I'm just looking at the DVD case."

James took out the disc and shook his head. "Because Sydney West is America's Sweetheart and hot as fuck."

"She's right though, you did this at the start of summer with a different actress' movies. What happened to her?"

He gave Kendall a smirk and cleared his throat. "We met up after the award show in New York. We, uh, celebrated together. She got back with her boyfriend though and Sydney has the whole good girl thing going on."

James ended up hiding the remote after he turned on his pick. This meant Logan and I played Scrabble against each other on our phones while Carlos kept dozing in and out of sleep. Kendall had excused himself before the movie had started and I was glad. I didn't mind being in the same room as him but being here watching a romcom on the bus was too similar to the start of the summer. I had fallen asleep on his chest and he had given me his sweatshirt. It was too close for comfort.

My phone buzzed, signaling I had lost the round to Logan. I groaned and kicked him in the leg. "No fair."

"What? I wanted to be a doctor, I'm not stupid."

"Yeah, but it was best two out of three and I was so close to winning."

Logan just grinned and shrugged. "We could make it four out of five?"

"Shh! You're interrupting the movie."

"Please, we all know you'll probably hook up in LA and never call her again."

James scoffed and tore his eyes from the screen. "I could date her if I wanted to. I'm a great boyfriend."

"Says the guy who got dumped by Lucy Stone because he didn't want to commit."

"Aren't you supposed to be asleep?"

Carlos yawned and stretched his arms. "I am."

I pushed myself off the couch. "I need a snack."

They didn't seem to notice me slipping out of the back lounge because James was listing all the reasons he hadn't been ready to commit to Lucy. I set about opening cabinets and drawers and shook my head. On the top shelf was the bottle of bourbon I had shown up with just a few weeks back. It had been right before Minnesota and I had been desperate for sleep.

"Looking for something?"

I turned to find Kendall leaning against the door I had just come through. He must have been in his bunk. "Just a snack. James is ranting about how he can be a committed boyfriend or something."

"James? As in James David Diamond who prides himself on never texting the wrong girl when he's talking to more than one?"

"That would be him."

"He's full of it." Kendall picked at his fingernails. "I was thinking about the last movie marathon. Remember that dad had been a real asshole to you?"

My nose scrunched in disgust. His daughters had been excited to meet me and then he called me a brainless party girl. Kendall had stepped in between us to defend my honor. That had been the day it occured to me that I was into him. I didn't say any of this though, there was no point.

"I do. The asshole called me Elizabeth."

"I forgot about that part. You look like an Elle, maybe an Eva, but not an Elizabeth. I gave you my hoodie that day because you kept elbowing me in the ribs because you couldn't sit still."

"How selfish." I teased.

"What can I say? I'm flawed."

"I still have it you know." I tried to sound nonchalant. I didn't have it by choice. It just seemed like a waste to throw a perfectly good sweatshirt into the dumpster at some venue. "If you want it back. It's in my luggage."

His eyes were fond as his mouth twitched at the corners. "Keep it. It's always looked better on you."

"Anything looks good on me." I chewed on a pretzel and the bus rocked as we drove.

"That's true." He conceded and sighed as orange highway lights whizzed past the windows. "Summer's really over, huh?"

"So it seems. I'm ready to hide out in my apartment and write songs until I'm dragged off to Europe."

Kendall gave a tight smile as he stared into the fridge. "So you're going back on tour?"

"Probably. And I have to go make up the dates I missed back east. I'm looking forward to it though. After Jett, I was a coward and didn't leave my apartment for two years."

"You're not a coward." He crouched down to pull a bottle of water from the bottom drawer. "You needed time to yourself."

"If you say so. I'm just bitter I recorded a whole album that never got released."

"Wait, really?"

I nodded thinking of my old fourth album. I had been writing it before The Jett Incident. "It was nearly done. The plan was to go out with Jett, have one drink and then finish writing it the next day." I let out a breath and shook my head. "But he slipped drugs into my drink and took me into the stupid bathroom. I woke up the next day and never finished it."

I hadn't admitted this to anyone. At the time fans didn't know it was being worked on. I had wanted to surprise them with the new music. I was still really fond of all the songs. They were all about Jett, our relationship and all the drama we had been through. By the time of the Incident we had been hanging on by a thread and it reflected that. There was still so much of the story that people didn't know. I tried not to be bitter about it.

"That sucks. I'm really sorry, I'm sure it would have been great."

"It _is_ great. It's sitting on a hard drive in LA untouched. It's all about Jett but the songs are good."

Kendall wasn't sure what to say. "Fuck him."

"Yeah, no thanks," I said dryly. "That didn't end well last time."

His eyes were wide and he stammered. "No, shit. I meant-"

"God, take a breath. I was joking, Kendick." I snorted at how nervous he was. "I can make jokes about him."

"Well, I hope people get to hear those songs one day. I'm sure they're all good."

I pretended to be more interested in the snack I was holding. "I have so many songs about that asshole that people haven't heard. He probably owes me a Grammy."

"I'm sure you'll win one."

"You're just saying that."

Kendall went to defend his statement when the bus hit a curve that sent him stumbling into me. He braced himself against the counter and my body was pinned. My cheeks were flushed with heat. It reminded me of the start of the tour. It reminded me of how I had let Kendall have sex with me right on this very counter.

"Sorry." Kendall straightened himself out and stepped away from me. "Inertia and shit."

"Yeah, inertia..."

Would things always feel like they were just a heartbeat away from a kiss? Kendall stared at me with an intense gaze that made my mouth sticky. I pretended to be more interested in the nutrition facts on the bag of pretzels. I tried to ignore the way I felt myself rock on my feet, ready to close the space between us.

"Elle! Get in here and please tell Carlos and Logan that I can be monogamous."

James' voice broke our trance and I stepped back. The tension was gone and Kendall's shoulders drooped.

"I better go tell James he's delusional."

"Eh, I wouldn't say he's delusional." He said. "I think anyone could be committed if they found the right person."

"Let me guess. You think everyone has a perfect match?"

His smile was small and he shrugged. "Something like that."

* * *

"Jesus, this is worse than the steps in Philly." I wheezed as I hunched over. "There's no air in my lungs."

Logan collapsed next to me. "I think I'm sunburned."

"Who the fuck let James pick the trail we hiked?" Kendall demanded as he slung his backpack to the ground. "He works out twice a day every day."

"You guys are pathetic. Look at the view!" James leisurely stretched his arms and popped open his water bottle. "You _earned_ this view."

Carlos wiped sweat from his forehead. "I could have googled this view."

We were 40 minutes outside of Calgary. It was all lush forests and mountains and a small hike sounded like a great idea. But the burning in my chest proved me wrong. It was stunning despite the sweat dripping off of me. I sipped from my bottle of water and rested against a tree. The sky was wide and bright blue. It was quiet except for the wind rustling the leaves. We stopped someone to take a group photo of the five of us. None of us said anything for several minutes as we took in the landscape and each other's company. I wondered if they were thinking the same thing I was. This would probably be the last time we'd hang out in a nonwork setting.

Tomorrow I'd be filming a new video for the deluxe version of my album. The label wanted it out to tide people over for the European tour I'd probably do in the spring. The plan was ambitious, I really wanted to film the entire thing in one day. Usually, video shoots were two days. But this song was about Kendall and everything that happened this summer. I wasn't sure I could relive that day in New York for more than a few hours. That was also the reason the song I had debuted the night I came back the tour _wasn't_ the single. It was too emotionally draining for me. I was confident though, the plot wasn't too complex and we got Olivia Spencer to direct it. She had directed the video for the duet and I believed her when she told me she could get it done. I'd also be giving an exclusive interview to finally close the book on what happened between the two of us. Liz thought it would be good for optics to do in the last city of the tour. The guys would be doing press of their own. The day after that was the final concert, then it was the award show and that was it. The Count Me In Tour would be over.

"I kind of think the view's worth it," I called out now that my breath was back. "I sure as hell wouldn't want to trek in the heat with another group of people."

"See, Elle appreciates my zest for life."

Carlos was fixing his hat. "Well, can we appreciate it back in the air conditioning?"

James put his backpack on his shoulders. "Fine, fine, fine. But you're coming hiking with me back home."

Logan leaned over to us and gave a stage whisper. "He says that every year. Just nod and smile."

"I hope you get poison ivy." James was headed back down the trail. "I'll meet you dicks at the car."

I was taking pictures of the scenery as they left. There was something peaceful about being up here. I wasn't one for the outdoors but I could be persuaded otherwise if it looked like this. I slipped my phone in my pocket and readied myself to go.

"It's pretty, isn't it?"

Kendall's hands were in his pockets as we walked. "It is. There are some trails back home that are really nice. Katie and I always dragged our mom on walks there. It's beautiful year-round. But it's a whole other level during the winter. It's so quiet and everything's white and clean."

The idea of cold snow was nice and I groaned. "I get it, Minnesota's amazing."

"I would have shown you but it was a muddy mess."

I tried not to think too hard about my Minnesota activities so I was noncommittal. "Hmm, maybe next time."

"Babe, wait." It came out of his mouth without thought, it was second nature to him. "Stop."

He held out his arm and got down to his knees. "What are you doing?"

"Your shoe." He knotted my laces for me and stood back up. "Can't have you fall down a cliff or something."

"Oh, thanks."

"Don't mention it. I like you in one, nonbroken piece."

My words came out before I could think about their meaning. "So you wouldn't like me if I broke a leg?"

He elbowed me and chuckled. "There's nothing you could do that could make me not like you."

His wide smile made my stomach turn over and I sucked in a breath. I was drifting too close to his orbit again. It was so easy to be pulled into it and I planted myself back into reality.

"Well, thanks for saving me from certain doom." I patted his shoulder. "I owe you."

I quickened my pace and focused on the trees and the mountains. I was determined to not turn around and find myself enticed by him. I was one with nature, no Kendall necessary.

* * *

Vancouver, our final city, was still asleep when I got to the studio. My call time for the video had been six in the morning. The tentative plan was to film the entire video in one go. The thought of a twelve-hour day was daunting but I knew it would be worth it in the end. I had been skeptical that we would be able to film it in such a short amount of time but Olivia ran a tight ship. It was just after ten and we had filmed two portions of the video already. Olivia had pitched me this idea of making the video seem like an actual day on tour. 'Autobiographical' is what she called it. Wonderland was about Kendall, the pictures, and that day in New York. Liz had been skeptical about this, she called it exploitive. But I was into the idea right away. It wasn't a secret what happened. There were the pictures he had posted. My tweet about him and Jo, his tweet about me being a joke. The video of him shoving me backstage was a quick google search away. And Jo had been running her mouth to anyone who would listen. The song was about these events, what else would the video be about?

I had done videos based on real events before. When the tape of me and Jett came out, I had been in Vegas. I was filming a video that he was supposed to be in. I wasn't shy about my personal life. But I was anxious to see how today would play out. Obviously, casting Kendall wasn't an option. Adam Holt was the first person we had all agreed on. He was in the newest superhero franchise and had been in Hollywood since he was a kid. He was a professional, we ran in the same circles. plus, Adam and I went way back. I had sung on the soundtrack for one of his films and he had dated the opening act from my last tour. When the Jett Incident happened he had been one of the few people to ask if I was okay. My people had called his people, we had a long phone call and he agreed. And now, here we were.

"Okay, everyone's doing a great job. Let's get the lighting in place for the next scene." Olivia instructed the crew. "How are we feeling, Elle?"

"I'm good, thanks."

She and Liz had been pausing to see if I was feeling comfortable and I appreciated it. We had started with an easy scene. I had performed the new song on stage with my band and an 'audience'. Adam and I had given each other flirty looks just like Kendall and I used to. We had also filmed a scene where he held me on the empty stage while the camera circled us. The other scene that had been completed was me in my dressing room with my band and Adam. It looked like we were all laughing and having fun but it was undercut with lots of intense stares and shy smiles from both of us. I had joined Adam where he was sitting and slipped on his green sweatshirt. It wasn't Kendall's of course. That would have been weird. This one still smelled like the plastic it had been shipped in.

"You're killing it by the way. I know I'd never be brave enough to put it all out there like this."

Adam had brought me a bottle of water. "Thanks. It's already out there so I figured I should own it."

"Still, it's brave. I know the next few scenes could be a bit rough, just let me know if you need to tap out."

The dressing room set had been relit and it was just the two of us. This was going to be our first kiss and my hands were a tad shaky. I had been taken aback at how similar he looked to Kendall. His hair was usually dark for his superhero role but he was a natural blonde. Pair that with green eyes and thick eyebrows, he could have been Kendall's cousin. A production assistant sat me down at the vanity and Adam went to stand outside the room.

"Wonderland video, scene three. Action."

The track played over a loudspeaker and I carefully applied a coat of lipstick. It was meant to look like I was preparing for a show. I sang along to the track and on cue, Adam appeared in the mirror. I turned and greeted him. There was no dialogue in this video but we were told to flirt.

"You look nice. The color suits you" Adam said softly as he let his hand brush over my shoulder. "I'm glad you asked me to film this video with you."

I ducked my head and put down the lipstick. "I'm glad you agreed. I don't think I could do this with some actor off the street."

I pretended to be shy as I stood up to face him. He swallowed and his eyes were on my lips. This was our first kiss. My heart was pounding in my chest from the nerves. Kissing on screen was always so artificial and nerve-wracking. Except for when I filmed the video with Kendall. I could still remember how he bragged about using extra lip balm and how it had started out as our game. That kiss had been real. But this one wasn't. Adam's eyes were the wrong shade of green, too hazel to be Kendall's. And my emotions were fake.

"Can I kiss you?" Adam traced his thumb over my bottom lip and looked every bit a leading man. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Yeah." I stared up at him with wide eyes and pressed my body to his. "Make it convincing."

His lips met mine and were soft. The kiss was nice but fell flat. Which was good I guess. It meant that I didn't just fall for any blonde who looked my way. But I kissed him back and pushed up on my toes. My fingers tucked into his hair and he held my cheek.

"Now, Adam pull away! Elle, give me a surprised look. You weren't expecting to like it."

Adam broke our kiss and I tried to convey what Olivia wanted. It wasn't hard. I just thought about the real kiss in the dressing room. It had been the last thing I expected to ever happen. Adam ran his hand through his hair and stumbled out of the room.

"Cut. That was good, I want to get it from another angle. Reset!"

We filmed the kiss a few more times and it was second nature now. Part of me wished all my kisses could be like this. There was no emotion, there was no lust and it was all straightforward. I knew where I stood with Adam, it was purely professional. There were no messy feelings to deal with. Olivia was finally satisfied and I was whisked into hair and makeup.

The day was flying by and it was way past lunchtime when I made it to my dressing room. Olivia didn't seem too stressed about the pressing timeline. I would film two more scenes before sitting down to an interview. After that, we were nearly done.

"I brought you something light. I wasn't sure how you were feeling." Liz placed a salad in front of me and took a seat. "I was watching the footage. It looks good, I think it'll look nice with the beginning in black and white."

"I think so too." I gingerly picked at my food and tried to avoid getting dressing in my hair. "Adam's good. I'm glad we picked him."

Liz squeezed my shoulder. "This is big for you. I'm proud."

I thanked her and went back to reading the call sheet. The tour bus and bed scenes were next. These would be intercut with the other footage we had film. The video wasn't necessarily filmed in order but this was the first half of it. Parts of it would be in black and white and we were filming those first with a special camera. After the interview, we'd film the climax and ending.

"Ms. Harper? Olivia would like you back on set." A PA was holding a clipboard and wearing a headset. "Can you touch up a little?"

"She'll be out in a minute." Liz pulled a compact out and started powdering my forehead. "Are you sure about this? It's not too late too pull out."

I laughed at this because it couldn't be further from the truth. "Dani's cool but she'll be pissed I blew 200 grand because I got anxious. I like making music videos, I like Adam and Olivia. Besides, my award for the Night Like This video is getting lonely."

Liz's worried expression transformed to an eye roll. "So ambitious. You better go to set, I have to confirm your dress fitting for the awards."

For just a second I was certain I had wandered onto my tour bus. The set was identical and I wondered if my bus had been hollowed out and brought inside. I shed my robe and was in a dress and Adam was in a simple tee shirt.

"Sorry to cut lunch short, but the lighting is perfect. In this scene, Adam wants to go all-in but you're apprehensive."

I didn't find it to hard to relate to this because of the way the song was written. After a few more notes, we were angled for the cameras. The backing track started playing and action was called.

"Don't hold back."

Adam and I kissed each other frantically and he lifted me onto the counter. His hand ran along my thigh and up my skirt. I pulled away and wrung my hands together.

"I'm not sure about this." I looked up through my lashes and bit my lip. "It feels too fast."

He gave me an easy grin and toyed with the strap of my dress. "Come on, there's nothing to be scared of."

"Didn't they tell us don't rush into things? Didn't you flash your green eyes me?" I sang along to my own voice. "Didn't you calm my fears with a Cheshire cat smile?"

I blew out a long breath and shrugged, giving into it. Adam smirked before pulling me in and I wrapped my legs around him. We made out and I tugged at his shirt as I was directed. He picked me up and the two of us fell into bed together. Our clothes came off and we laughed as we kissed. Olivia directed us on how to position our bodies. Sometimes he was on top and sometimes I was. It took all of my willpower to not think about Kendall, how we had gone at it in the back of the cab in Chicago. How he had been turned on underneath me. The song reached a softer part and we were cuddling now. He lazily traced patterns into my skin and kissed my forehead.

"Elle, you're asleep in 3, 2, 1."

My eyes fell shut and I knew Adam would be pretending to text another girl. We filmed the counter scene with different lighting and some more angles of us in bed. Working up to the harder stuff was a good idea. It helped my nerves appear more believable. Soon enough, everyone was content with what we had done and another portion was crossed off. Adam went to film a few close-ups and reshoots while I headed off to my interview.

"I'm Madison Michele from Backstage Access and I'm in Vancouver, Canada to bring you an exclusive look at the final days of The Count Me In Tour. I'm on the set of Elle Harper's new music video. How are you?"

I put on my best smile. "I'm great. Thank you so much for coming up."

"No need. I wasn't going to miss the last few days of the hottest summer tour. What are you filming today?"

I gestured to the set. We were in the tour bus backdrop now that we had finished shooting. "Well, this mad little circus is the set for my newest video Wonderland."

"Already working on a new album?"

"Just the deluxe edition."

"Well, you've all been busy, haven't you? You're filming a video and your tourmates just finished a CD signing and radio show. And of course, tomorrow's the final concert. How do you feel?"

I shifted in my seat a bit and crossed my legs. "It's bittersweet. I love touring and seeing fans but it'll be nice to sleep in my apartment instead of the tour bus."

Madison nodded and looked through her notes. "It's definitely been a long few months, hasn't it? I interviewed you in May before the start of tour and you were working on a duet with Kendall. That was Night Like This, wasn't it?"

This interview was to clear the air about the Kendall Incident once and for all. I just hadn't expected to dive in headfirst.

"That would be the one. This summer seems three years long." I huffed out an anxious laugh.

She seemed sympathetic but determined to get a scoop. "So, fans want to know what exactly happened between you and Kendall."

Over her shoulder, Liz was standing with her arms crossed, ready to jump in and save me.

"It's kind of a long story. Uh, no pun intended." My leg bounced up and down and I cleared my throat. "We had a complicated relationship that wasn't what I thought it was. He was deceitful and when I called him on it, he lost his temper."

"We all saw the tweets with your photos and video of how he pushed you. Is that what you drove you to leave the tour?"

The bad thing about interviews was you had to be polite. No shit that's why I left, but I couldn't say that.

"I knew it wasn't a healthy place to be. I removed myself from a toxic person and situation."

"What was it like when you left? Kendall gave me his side of the story but I want to hear yours. How did it feel to see what people were saying and sharing?"

My mind wandered back to the interview I did after the Jett Incident. It had been sanitized, scripted and packaged. Liz and my PR team had been trying to control the optics. But now? I had nothing to lose and it came out easily.

"Honestly? I wanted to die, I tried to. Being exposed like that is the worst thing for someone to go through. I trusted this person with our relationship and those photos and was betrayed. I've said it a million times but I came back for my fans. Not for him and not because of my manager. I came back for myself and the fans."

Madison hadn't been expecting me to be so blunt and it took her a second to readjust. "You tried to hurt yourself?"

"Yeah." Out of habit, I pulled my sleeves down. "I was under supervision for three days in my apartment. I don't want to get into it but I'm lucky and happy to be sitting here."

She was still a professional journalist but she patted my arm. "Well, I am too. I'm sure the fans are and I know for certain your tourmates glad to have you."

The memory of the guys' texts lifted my spirits. "They're my best friends."

"Speaking of Big Time Rush, you spent some time in their hometown. Based on your social media, it looked like you and Kendall spent some time together. Why did you spend time with him after what he did?"

Flashbacks of dinner, ice skating, and having sex played in my mind. "We wanted to spend time with each other and work through some things."

"Are you two back together?"

The question caused me to swallow a lump in my throat. "No. We're better off as friends. I'm single, completely, totally, single."

Madison and I chatted for a long time. The clock that rolled along with the camera told me we had been talking for 45 minutes. We discussed my record, talked about how it was still number one, and the upcoming deluxe version. She brought up the idea of my album being nominated for a Grammy and I genuinely laughed.

"I don't think that'll happen. I'm proud of this record, it's my baby. But I don't know, it's a comeback album."

"Exactly, critics love it. I think you should put the idea out to the universe."

"Well, if it happens I owe you one."

After that, I showed her around the set of the video and Adam popped in to say hi. The tour of the set lasted for the better part of a half-hour as she asked me questions about my writing process. She was also curious to know what I was working on. I was coy about what the song and video were about.

"Let's just say it's very real."

"Elle, it's been a whirlwind summer. From the tour, the album and your personal life. Do you have anything you want to say before we wrap things up?"

I pondered this for a moment. "I think I just want to thank my fans for standing by me through all of the chaos and the ups and downs. It really means the world to me to know they have my back. This summer has been one of the most challenging and inspiring times in my career and personal life but I'm grateful for the people who stuck by me."

"This has been an exclusive interview with Elle Harper. The Count Me In Tour ends tomorrow in Vancouver. I'm Madison Michele with Backstage Access. What a summer it's been."

Liz went to see Madison out and make sure my words wouldn't be twisted. I took the opportunity to finish my food while Olivia was off setting up the next scene. It was right around dinner time and I was starving. Adam wandered into my dressing room and we took a picture together.

"You post it, I don't really use social media."

I snorted and swiped through different filters. "Good for you. It's all a giant cesspool of trolls and my nudes."

 _ElleHarper: Searching for wonderland with IAmAdamHolt_

"Very mysterious." He mused as he reposted it. "I'm already getting comments."

 _Electrictomyfingertips: Are they filming a video?_

 _EverythingisElle:_ _He looks like Kendick._

 _RushingforHarper: Are we getting a new song?_

"Gotta love the fans."

Adam pointed to the doorway. "Speaking of fans, I think you have some admirers."

I turned to see the guys out in the hall. "Ew, who let them in here?"

"Very funny." Logan walked in first and fist-bumped Adam. "How's the shoot?"

"Good, we're a little over halfway done. Only a few hours to go."

Carlos must have found craft service because he had a mouthful of popcorn. "You're insane to shoot this whole thing in one day."

"I'm a one and done kind of person. I want to finish the video, finish the tour, and then nap for a month."

"I should go get changed. Nice seeing you guys."

Once Adam left the room James spoke up. "Are we not going to talk about how he looked just like Kendall?"

"Yeah, what the fuck, Elle?"

I held up my hands. "The song's about Kendall, I'm not going to have him in the video. Where is he anyway?"

"Smoking, he wasn't sure how welcome he'd be on set."

I was touching up my hair with the curling iron. "He has a point. How was your interview?"

Carlos was terrible at hiding his emotions and he answered too quickly. "Fine."

"What happened? Did Kendall do something dumb?"

"Not really, but Madison brought up Jo. She's been talking about the two of you."

This was the least of my worries. "I'm not surprised. She's boring, this is probably the most exciting thing to happen to her."

"Yeah, but-"

"I have a video to film. She can say what she wants. He still chose me."

The mention of Jo left me rattled. I hadn't let them see it but it was eerie. We were filming one more scene on the stage and she was involved. Or at least, our version of her was. I performed on stage and gave Adam a wink while he was on his phone. I reached out to him and the smile slid off my face. His arms were around a thin blonde and he stared at her with love in his eyes. I pulled back and let a frown take over my face.

"I reached for you and you were gone." They kissed and I let my eyes grow wet while I sang. I put myself back in the moment Jo had walked through the door in New York City. I could still feel the sharp sting of rejection. "I knew I had to go back home."

"Cut!" Olivia shouted. "Are you okay? That was really good."

I cleared my throat and swallowed down the emotions that were swirling. "I've gotten great at compartmentalizing. No worries, are we on schedule?"

"A little early. Are you sure you want to do these next scenes?"

I used the grin and carefree voice I used when I wanted to put Liz at ease. Even if I didn't want to film them, what choice did I have? "I want the best video."

"That's what I like to hear. We'll switch to the color camera and get the set ready. Adam and I have been over what to do and he's down with it if you are."

"True to the events, that's what I want this to be."

She clapped me on the shoulder. "You got it."

The makeup artist and hairstylist got me ready. The makeup was a little tone down because, at the beat drop in the song, it would switch to being in color. It was meant to symbolize the way reality had hit me in the face. I thanked them for working all day and turned to grab my cup. I nearly choked on my tea. Kendall was standing with his arms crossed and glaring at me. For a moment, it felt like the start of the tour and I wondered if he was going to insult me.

"I need a moment. Sorry." I brushed past the women. "Be right back."

When I walked up to him he seemed indignant. "What is this?"

"A music video shoot."

He wasn't amused. "Why the hell did I walk past myself and what looks like Jo?"

"The song is about that day. It's about all the shit that went down."

"Did he kiss you?"

This wasn't what I was expecting him to be concerned about and I couldn't help but scoff. "That's your issue?"

"Yeah, it is. I don't understand why some knock off is allowed to kiss you but I'm not."

"Did you hit your head? Or did your fever kill off the only brain cells you had left? " I sneered and spoke through gritted teeth. "You're not allowed to kiss me because I don't want you to touch me. You're not allowed to be jealous."

Kendall bit his lip and leaned into my ear. "Is he a better kisser than me?"

Hopefully, this was just a stupid male ego thing, so I decided to assuage him. "No. And it's not my job to make you feel better. But if you must know, it's for work. I don't feel anything."

This pacified him for a moment but he shifted on his feet. He looked like he was craving a cigarette. "Adam flirts with everyone. I don't want to see him flirt with you. What if he likes you?"

"Then go to your hotel. I didn't exactly invite you here." His question caused me to fight a chuckle. "And you don't have to worry about him."

"Oh yeah? Prove it."

"Not that I owe you an explanation, but if it makes you leave so be it." I ticked off the points on my fingers. "I can take care of myself. He dated my friend Stella so I wouldn't do that to her. I'm a professional. And he's been hitting on James since Olivia called cut."

Kendall did a double-take. "He what?"

"If you weren't being a jealous neanderthal maybe you'd notice." I jerked my thumb over to the craft service table. "Look."

It was true. Adam wasn't shy about his bisexuality and James was always into someone who was into him. They were laughing and standing too close for people who weren't interested in each other. James put his hand on Adam's arm. He wore the same devilish grin on his face that he used to pick up fans after meet and greets. Kendall blinked a few times and his mouth was agape.

"What?" He repeated himself.

"Poor Adam." I sighed wistfully. "James is so far up Sydney West's ass that he'll probably just ghost him. Monogamous my foot."

Kendall was embarrassed and stepped back. "I'm sorry. I just... I'm jealous."

"Clearly." My tone was cold. "You can stay, you can go. I don't care. Stay out of my way."

I would never admit this out loud to Kendall, I didn't want to encourage him, but his jealousy had proven useful for once in his life. I stormed off to the backstage set to film the argument scene and I was sufficiently irritated. It was a closed set meaning just essential personnel would be there. I didn't need everyone to watch me look like an idiot again. Liz knew me better than I knew myself and could see my anger.

"What happened? Did Madison say something?"

"No, Kendall's a dumbass. He saw Adam and started being a jealous little bitch about it."

Liz immediately scowled. "Fuck me. Just focus on the scene, I'll handle it."

I had always had a strong work ethic and I was glad Olivia did too. We rehearsed the scene twice, taking notes from her as we went. The goal was to do it in one go. She sat in her director's chair, ready to spring into action, no questions asked. Adam got into character and as soon as the camera started rolling we went straight into it. I yelled, I screamed and I hit him on the arm.

"How could you do this? You lied to me all summer and you've spent all day acting like a dick!"

He held his hands up to protect himself and laughed nervously. "Elle, babe. You don't understand. She...I... it's not what it looks like."

"Then what is it? Because to me, it looks like you've been with her this whole time." I didn't even have to act like I was angry. There was genuine fury coursing through my veins from my interaction with Kendall. "You're a liar."

"You know what, you're crazy. I'm not talking about this." He threw his hands up and a fuck boy smirk bloomed on his face. "You and I weren't serious. You know that."

Adam turned to walk away and just like the real thing, I grabbed his arm. "You're a coward. Tell me the truth."

"No! I said I'm done with this."

"You're such a piece of shit." I taunted him in a low voice, jabbing my finger into his chest. "I'm not disposable."

"Elle, move." Adam's nostrils flared and his anger was convincing. "Now."

I shook my head, defiant and full of rage. "You can't treat someone like this."

This would be the climax of the song, it played loudly and reverberated in my ears. Adam and I continued shouting at each other, he stalked closer and closer. Green eyes burning with frustration.

"And in the end, in wonderland, we both went mad."

And then he brought his hands up and shoved me. Hard. I stumbled back, losing my footing and crashed into the safety mat that would be edited out. I drew in a sharp breath and stared up at him, speechless and embarrassed. His shoulders heaved and he looked at me like I was nothing.

"Fuck you, Elle." He turned on his heel and stomped off.

"Cut."

Instantly, Adam transformed and double back, holding out his hand. "You okay? You were really into it."

Once on my feet, I raised a shoulder in a half shrug. "Fine, if anything I wish I were you and Kendall was me. He needs to be knocked on his ass."

This made him click his tongue. "I saw him. What a baby. But the anger was good, it felt real."

"Trust me, I'm running off a lot of resentment these days."

"Well, as long as I didn't hurt you."

I waved this concern off. "The mat helps, in real life, I landed on concrete. Excuse me."

Olivia was off to the side, watching the footage back on the monitor. I couldn't read her face and it made me anxious. I didn't want to let her or Liz down. If I had fucked it up I would be making a long day even longer. And I wasn't sure if I could do it again. I felt sick to my stomach from the memory of Kendall's fury.

"Is it okay?"

She pulled off her headphones. "You know, if singing doesn't work out you could always act."

"So it wasn't awful? I'm sorry if I was too emotional or anything. I just, Kendall put me in a mood and shouting is really underrated as a stress reliever. I-"

"Elle, it's perfect. I mean, damn, I think we got the shot in one take. Unless you want to try-"

I held my hand out to stop her and could have wept. "No, god. I think I can only handle getting shoved once."

"Then we're going to film Adam storming out and his small scene. I'll give you a chance to calm down and then we're in the home stretch."

I was proud of myself as I walked back to my dressing room. I had doubted if I would be able to be convincing enough to sell the video but I had pushed through. It was getting late and I was in desperate need for caffeine. I had to admit, I was annoyed when I saw the guys perched on my couch. I loved them to the moon and back but I knew they'd be worried.

"What's up, guys?"

"This video..." Logan was cautious. "It's really about New York, huh?"

A headache was growing behind my eyes as I clicked the kettle on. "I think Olivia called it autobiographical. Where's Kendall?"

"He was watching you film and he left when you got pushed. He looked like he was going to be sick."

I didn't turn around as I waited for the water to boil. "Good."

"For what it's worth, you were really good." James was clearly trying to make me feel better. "We watched some of the other stuff you filmed. I like the black and white idea."

I was a sucker for compliments and looked over my shoulder. "Thank you."

We sat in silence as I made my tea. I was generous with the honey and cold water and felt better after the first sip. I joined them on the arm of the couch and swirled my spoon.

"So, one more show."

Carlos frowned. "Yeah, I'm gonna miss it."

"I am too. But god am I ready to not be forced to cohabitate with Kendall." I tousled Logan's hair. "I am going to miss you goons though."

"Don't act like you're getting rid of us. You owe me a hike."

My nose scrunched in disgust. "On second thought, who's up for another leg of the tour?"

Carlos and Logan's hands shot up and James gave us the finger. "Excuse me for thinking you all could benefit from the great outdoors and some cardio."

"We can hang out at my place. I have a projector screen and the best view of the city. Movie nights are always better when you're not crammed on a bus."

"I'll drink to that." James clinked his cup to mine. "We'll have a movie night after our hike."

We all burst into laughter and I was already nostalgic. Even though this summer hadn't turned out the way I had planned, I was grateful for the friends and the memories I had made with them. These three hockeyheads were my silver lining.

* * *

Production had stopped for a quick dinner break. The crew had been working nonstop all day and the break was much welcomed. The guys and I slipped out to a place down the street. Kendall was nowhere to be found but Adam had tagged along. But everyone was back into work mode now.

Adam and I had finished our small solo scenes right after dinner. He had been filmed tweeting out my 'pictures' and there was a lingering shot of him storming off after pushing me. Olivia had filmed my reaction right after. I scrolled through the screen and stared at headline after headline. They were ripped from real articles that had been written about me. Tears had streamed down my face as I looked at them. The tears were fake but the pit in my stomach was real.

 **Exposed Once Again: Elle Harper's Photos Leaked...**

 **Cheating and Sex Scandal Rock The Count Me in Tour!**

 **Kendall Knight Shares Ex Elle's Racy Pics!**

It wasn't hard to remember the things I had read about myself. While the media had ended up on my side, those first few hours were excruciating.

The last scene of the video snuck up on us. The day had been a blur of emotions and it was nearly 11 when I looked at the clock. But I was proud of the work I had done and I was ready to bring it home. We rehearsed it a few times at half speed. The last shot was simple but moved quickly. We really wanted to get it done in one go so it would be fluid. I would pack my stuff and leave the venue and everyone behind. It was all very cinematic and over the top, but so was that day. Olivia had pulled Adam and me to the side. She looked tired and adjusted her headset.

"This is it you two. You've put in incredible work so let's finish strong." She flipped through her clipboard. "Now, the motivation for this scene is straightforward. Elle, you've been betrayed and you just want to get the fuck out of here. And Adam, you realize you've fucked up. You know there's no coming back from this but that doesn't mean you won't try."

We filmed it once but I ended up tripping over a wire and one of the lights had gone out. Of course, things would fall apart right at the end. But I tried not to let it get to me. Olivia gave us a few notes to keep in mind before going back to the camera. I took a few sips of water and handed the bottle off to an assistant. The lights came on and I shook out my arms.

"Wonderland video, packing scene. Take two. Action."

I raced into the frame and charged down the hallway. Adam chased after me and the camera moved with us.

"Elle, wait." His hair was mussed and he looked almost as desperate as Kendall did that day. "Where are you going?"

I didn't turn around as I made it to my fake dressing room. "I'm done, I'm leaving."

"Leaving? What do you mean? Where are you going?"

"Home. This whole thing was a mistake." I shoved the props into a suitcase and wiped at my face. "This tour, this summer, you. I'm over it."

I pushed past him and he grabbed onto my arm and turned me around. "I screwed up. I know that and I'm sorry."

The song was playing behind the shot to remind us of the emotions and so we wouldn't be offbeat. The sound of my own voice made my head spin.

"We found wonderland, you and I got lost in it. And we pretended it could last forever. Life was never worse but never better."

He was still apologizing and I took a step back. "I have to go."

The bag was heavy on my shoulder as I hurried towards the door. My heart was in my throat, maybe reliving this moment hadn't been the best idea. But it was too late to stop now.

"Elle! Wait. I love you!"

I froze in my tracks and the camera zoomed in on my face as I turned around. He reached out to touch my face and I cringed.

"No, you don't." My words were low and tense. "Don't say that."

He leaned in with a private smile. "Yes, I do. And I know you love me."

Over his shoulder, behind the cameras, Kendall was standing with his hand over his mouth. Even from here I could see the way his eyebrows were pulled together. I wasn't acting as I spoke in a shaky voice.

"Maybe I did. Maybe I still do. But I c-can't." I could feel my eyes start to burn. "I can't love you. I won't."

Kendall was staring intently as Adam gripped my arms. "Baby, please. You know we belong together."

"I-" My voice trailed off and I refocused my attention to my costar. "I know we d-do. How could I not?"

"Then what's stopping us?"

"I don't trust you. I'm not going to get hurt again." I hoisted my bag higher. I wasn't speaking to Adam. "After this, it's over. I don't want to see you anymore. I have to protect myself. You should just forget about me."

Before Adam could say anything, I ran to the doors and flung them open and stepped out into the fake street. The cameras were rolling outside and I climbed into the waiting cab. My heart was pounding in my chest. It was too real. It was too much and tears came out regardless if I wanted them too or not. A sob shook my shoulders but I tried to pull myself together. There was one camera propped up on the passenger seat and one mounted to the back of the car.

"Elle. Please!" Adam was breathless as he knocked on the window. "I'm sorry."

The car took off down the street. I cast him a long look over my shoulder out the back window. He stared after me with a look that couldn't even come close to the pain that had been on Kendall's face. But how could he compete with the real thing? The pain of that day was something that would probably haunt both of us forever. I decided at that moment that I would never let myself be that vulnerable again.

"Cut!" A buzzer sounded signaling that filming had stopped and Olivia paused for a moment. "And that's a wrap!"

The crew burst into applause and cheers. Just like that, it was over. Adam's frown had been replaced with a hearty grin as he hugged the assistant director. Liz looked relieved and was on her phone, probably updating the label that we had been on time and under budget. But that's not who I was looking at as I climbed out of the backseat. Kendall was looking at me from across the set, his face pinched with emotions Adam could never fake. Everyone's congratulations went in one ear and out the other.

"Brilliant work, Elle! Brilliant." Olivia gushed. "You should be proud of yourself."

"Congrats, Elle."

My smile was forced and I wasn't paying attention to them. "Yeah, thanks."

Adam hugged me tightly. "We killed it, girl."

"Hell yeah, we did." I gave him a high five and my laugh was stiff. "Thank you for being part of it."

Liz was coming over to me and pulled me in. "I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, Liz." I cleared my throat. "I, um, I need a cigarette. I think I earned it."

She tutted at me and dug around her bag. "We really have to buy you some of those patches."

I mumbled something noncommittal and gripped the package and lighter. I pushed my way through the crowd and didn't let out the breath I had been holding until I was in the backlot. The video had been draining to film but that last bit really floored me.

"Those things will kill you."

I didn't have to look over to know who it was. I exhaled the smoke and groaned. "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to see if you're okay."

"Fine. I just needed to clear my head." My eyes stayed trained on the ground. "I had a long day."

The clicking of his lighter and the smell of his cigarettes told me he hadn't taken my hint to go away. I blew smoke in his direction, hoping he'd realize he wasn't welcome.

"You were really good. I didn't know you could act like that."

"Who said I was acting?"

He shuffled his feet and sighed. "Len?"

I flicked ashes from my cigarette and scooted further down the wall. The gravel crunched under his shoes as he moved to stand in front of me. His fingers lifted my chin.

"Please look at me, baby. What's wrong?"

"Don't call me that." I snapped, finally making eye contact. "Why did you leave the set?"

"What? I've been here for hours."

"You left when he pushed me." I clarified after taking a long drag. The nicotine did little to soothe me. "The guys told me about it."

He cleared his throat and sounded ashamed. "I hated seeing you get hurt. I'm sorry I did that to you. I'm s-so sorry, seeing it happen reminded me how awful it was. I'll never put my hands on you again, I swear to god."

I had heard that line before and it wasn't exactly reassuring. "Stop."

"What did I do wrong?"m

A disgusted sound came from the back of my throat and I was indignant. "Did you miss the video I just filmed?"

"Not that. Trust me that day is going to keep me up at night for the rest of my life. I mean, what happened between Minnesota and right now? What did I do?" He prattled on mindlessly. "Did I pressure you? Because I really didn't mean to. Did I say something?"

I held up my hand and my head started to throb. "No, I wanted to have sex. I guess I realized that you and I weren't going to work out."

"And why not?" The fact that he still managed to sound surprised irritated me.

"Jesus, we've been over this a thousand times. I'm scared of getting hurt again. I was in some kind of weird Minnesota fog when I was with you. It was nice but it wasn't real. It made me momentarily forget that you're an asshole who hurt me. But, thankfully I came to my senses."

"Just give me another chance. I want to be with you. It was real to me and I fell even harder for you." He rubbed my arm. "Please."

I ground the butt of my cigarette into the dirt. "No. This is over between us. There's one more show and then the awards. After that, I'm not going to see you again. Accept it, embrace it. Summer's over and you had your chance."

"Eleanor!" He protested and tightened his hold on me. "Listen to me. I know you're scared and I know filming this video must have stirred up all kinds of shit but that's the old me. I know you still feel something for me. I saw the way you ignored everyone in the room just now. You said you know we belong together. That wasn't acting."

The muscles in my jaw ached from clenching so hard. "I also said I didn't want to be with you."

He pressed his forehead to mine. "I can't forget you. I don't want to forget you."

His eyes were the right shade of green and my emotions were real. "You have to. It's better this way, Kendall."

"Better for who?" He asked softly. "You wouldn't be crying if this is what you really wanted."

"It doesn't matter what I want. What matters is that I never let myself get hurt again."

Kendall was frustrated now. "You're hurting yourself every time you deny your real feelings."

"Please just leave me alone. I'm _begging_ you. Act like it's the start of summer and leave me alone. We have two more days together, please don't make me anymore miserable than you already have."

"I'm not trying to."

My laugh was cold. "You could have fooled me."

He didn't know what to say to that. He simply held me for a moment and bit down on his lip. I wanted to go inside and celebrate with my friends. But here I was; having another dramatic breakdown because of Kendall. It didn't matter if I had feelings for him, we were just too different. Too incompatible. Being with him was like trying to fit the wrong pieces of a puzzle together. It was futile and would never work.

"I don't mean to make you miserable. And no offense, I think you make yourself this way too."

That was the last straw. "Shut the fuck up. Do you think I want to feel this way all the time?"

"If you just let me be with you wouldn't." He said this as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I'd make you so happy."

"Well, it's not all about you! It's about me. You hurt me, Kendall. I'm trying to protect myself and you're not making it easy."

Kendall threw his hands up. "All I'm trying to do is love you! It's not my fault you're so fucking stubborn."

"And you're a fucking asshole. You spent the start of the tour acting all high and mighty. You claimed that video of me and Jett would ruin the tour. You said I was trouble. But you know what? _You're_ nothing but trouble. You ruined the tour and brought bad press. You're a liar and I don't trust you."

I don't think he had expected me to insult him because he flinched. "That's before I got to know you."

"And then you did get to know me. And you know what you did? You fucked that up too!" I was seething now. "You claim you love me but if you did, if you _ever_ did, you'd see that I'm happier without you. You'd want me to be happy."

He swallowed hard and tugged at his hair. "Eleanor... all I want is for you to be happy. I made mistakes, big ones, but I know how I feel about you. I c-can't quit you."

It was late, I was tired and I just wanted to go inside. But I was trapped between Kendall and the wall. I couldn't tell if I was going to cry or shout so I kept my voice low.

"You sang about me the other night. The stupid cigarette song. You said you can't put me down."

He was confused by this but was already tripping over his words. "Because I can't. I want you so bad it hurts. I want to be with you."

"You said you're addicted to me."

"I am." He brought his hands to my waist and smiled. It was a nice smile, meant to make me trust him. "I know that sounds crazy but you fill something I didn't know was missing. I want to be that person for you. I don't think I'll be able to stop being drawn to you without some kind of intervention."

There weren't enough words in the English language to explain how he was that person for me, how he made me feel whole. But there also wasn't enough time in the universe to explain how scared that made me and how it could never happen. So, I kept it short and simple as I pushed off the wall. My fingernails dug into his arm.

"Well, consider this your intervention and detox." I hissed at him. "This is over between us, for good. Leave me alone and forget about me. Because I know I'm ready to forget you."

* * *

AN: As you can see, Elle's dug her heels in about not wanting to be with Kendall even though that's what she wants. Guys, I'm so stoked for you to read the final few chapters of this fic. There's so much to come. My favorite part was the hiking scene. I also loved writing the scene between Kendelle at the end. The next chapter contains the final concert of the tour and more of Kendelle trying to figure out where they stand. The next chapter shouldn't be this long but I hope this tides you over.

Thanks for reading! I plan to update twice in October so stay tuned.

Let me know what you thought. What would you do if you were in Elle's shoes?

PS: Last chapter, I mentioned the idea for a Jett and Elle prequel. It's definitely happening and I hope you'll check it out sometime this winter. I'm also considering writing a James fic that's set in this universe. I dropped a few hints in this chapter if you picked up on it.


	37. Chapter 37

AN: Welcome back! I'm sorry it's been a while but real life has kept me busy. This chapter follows the very last day on tour. Elle makes some tough choices. I really like this chapter and I hope you leave some feedback!

I recommend you check out Strangers Again by Against the Current and Don't Let Me Go by Heffron Drive.

* * *

In many ways, the last day of tour was like the last day of school. There was a palpable, bittersweet, energy in the air. The thought of not having to wake up early and having free time was enticing. But there was a sinking feeling because everyone knew we could never return to this moment with these people. It seemed like yesterday that I had walked down the red and white hallway of Rocque Records to meet Big Time Rush. I'd miss them.

Well, at least 75% of them.

"The time Rushers and Elleanators have been dreading has come. The soldout Count Me In Tour comes to a close in Vancouver today. I had the chance to spend time with Big Time Rush and opener Elle Harper yesterday to get their thoughts on it all."

"The end of a tour is always a bit sad but what I think made this summer really special is that we recorded our album on the road." James gestured to the studio bus they were sitting in. "The album will always bring us right back to those moments."

"I also got the scoop on what happened between Kendelle from both sides. Let's just say one side looks back on this summer's surprise romance much more fondly."

"I fell in love this summer." Kendall ducked his head and a warm smile brightened his face. "It's simple as that. But I messed it up and I hurt the person I care about. I don't blame her for leaving and I regret what I did. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her."

Madison Michelle's voiceover continued as the footage switched to me. "Elle definitely didn't mince words when I asked her about it."

I looked standoffish with my folded arms and knitted brows. "He was deceitful and when I called him on it, he lost his temper. I knew it wasn't a healthy place to be. I removed myself from a toxic person and situation."

"And of course, I got to the bottom of what really happened between Kendall Knight and Jo Taylor. As well as what it was like when Elle left the tour on that fateful day."

It cut to Madison interviewing the guys. "Your ex has come out on social media saying that you 'cheated on her with a low rate bitch' and that you 'don't know how good you had it'."

Kendall cringed and rubbed his palms on his jeans. "I'm not gonna lie, how I treated both Jo and Elle was awful. They both deserve better than my lies. Jo has every right to be upset and I feel bad for what I did. But I'm not sorry for falling for Elle."

"When asked about what happened after Elle left, the two exes had surprisingly similar and chilling answers."

Madison's voice was soft. "What was it like after she left?"

The camera was zoomed in on his face, and I could see his every emotion in crystal clear, high definition. His mouth turned down at the corners, the color drained from his face and his eyes refused to meet anyone's in the room.

"I wanted to end everything."

The room was silent as the camera panned to his friends who obviously hadn't been expecting him to say that. They were all stiff in their seats.

"You were having thoughts about hurting yourself?"

"She left because I hurt her. I felt guilty and I had hurt someone I cared about. All I knew was I wasn't going to live in a world without her so I did some research." His voice was trembling and he steeled himself. "But, uh, she was okay. And I knew I had to make it up to her."

It cut back to my interview.

"Honestly? I wanted to die, I tried to." I was visibly pale and I watched myself tug at my sleeves. "I was under supervision for three days in my apartment. I don't want to get into it but I'm lucky and happy to be sitting here."

A jab in my side tore my attention away from the TV. "Ow!"

"Sorry, I just wanted to pull the waist in more."

It was the morning before the Tween Choice Awards and I was standing in my dressing room having my dress tailored. I had chosen it from a thick rack of clothes that had been shipped to me. It was a semi-casual award show so I settled on something simple. It was a strapless mini dress in a nice shade of blue that brought out my light brown skin. I may have been ready for the tour to be over but I was willing to indulge summer a little bit longer.

Liz came into the room at the end of her phone call. "The Tween tech crew and producers said that our guys can do the lights. I told them I'm not trusting strangers to do the work these people have done for four months. I had to yell and grovel but it's done."

"The day is saved by Liz Mendez." I hummed. "What do you think?"

She gave me a once over and nodded. "It's pretty. It looks good with your skin and dark hair too. Versace?"

"Prada." I ran my hands over the silky fabric. "It's nice to be in something that isn't a stage outfit."

"The other members of Big Time Rush expressed how much they care for their tourmate and how grateful they were when she rejoined them in Detroit."

The TV caught Liz's eye and she tutted. "You're watching this?"

"Background noise." I lied. "I wanted to see what the guys said."

She strode across the room. "The press is on your side. Kendall's whole Romeo and Juliet, 'I don't want to live without her' spiel, gained him _some_ sympathy but there's more buzz about your video and the awards."

The TV flicked off as the onscreen version of myself showed her around the set. I was glad yesterday was over. It had been long and emotional, I had slept for a solid nine hours last night once I got to my hotel. Olivia had let me know that she didn't think I needed to do any reshoots which made my morning. Things were wrapping up nicely. I had a soundcheck, a meet and greet, and then the show. After that, we'd be hustled to the airport to catch a flight to LA. This time tomorrow, I'd be finishing up rehearsal and getting ready for the awards. And then I'd be free to hide out in my apartment and spend some much needed time with me, myself, and I.

"Okay, I just need to bring in the waist a bit." The tailor stood up from where she'd been kneeling. "Off."

I stepped out of the dress and handed it over. "Thank you."

Liz handed me clothes and tapped her watch. "Okay, there's an early soundcheck. Gustavo wants it out of the way so you guys can film some stuff to get last-minute votes."

Once dressed, I made my way to the stage. The routine of tour life was comforting. Even if it got a bit mundane, having some predictability was nice. I was surprised to see James and Kendall standing almost nose to nose. They were speaking in hushed tones and James' eyes were narrowed.

"It's not all about you. This is about _her_."

Kendall clenched his fist and had the same angry face he had on the day of the Incident. It made my stomach tie itself into knots, I was glad I wasn't on the receiving end.

"It's none of your fucking business. She's not yours."

"And she's not _yours_." Logan reminded him. "Just leave her alone."

Carlos saw me first and hit Kendall on the arm to get his attention. His eyes snapped up and the anger instantly vanished from his face. I was mostly confused but didn't have time to ask because Kendall was talking to James again.

"Stay out of my way."

"What happened?" I questioned as we all watched him storm outside. "Did he do something?"

"You're okay," Carlos spoke up, trying to quell the anxiety that must have been written on my face. "He's just petty."

"About what?"

Logan seemed to debate with himself and chose his words carefully. "The interview just came out. He went a little off-topic and we were just worried about you."

Their concern was touching but I waved it off as I was hooked up to my mic. "You're sweet. I saw it though, he u-uh mentioned he didn't want to live without me."

"I told you she probably saw it," James grumbled in disappointment. "We really didn't expect him to say that. At all."

"It's okay. I said the same thing. Let's just all be grateful that we won't have any interviews for a while."

* * *

The final soundcheck was more of a formality than anything else. The fireworks no longer startled me, I knew every note and every lyric of every song. But running through it made me feel proud. I had worked so hard to be able to sing on a stage like this so I wasn't going to complain. I tried to enjoy the whole process because I knew I'd miss it a few months from now. I finished up after the sound engineer tweaked the levels of my microphone and Gustavo waved me over.

"It's the last show. Would you want to give that new song a spin?"

"I don't know, Gustavo. I kind of want to be done with all the drama."

He shook his head and seemed to be avoiding something. I glanced over to Kelly who had the same face. I was tired of being danced around like a child.

"What did Kendick do now?"

Kelly sighed and flipped through her binder. "The venue has an extended curfew, this means there's a bit of time to fill. You know how Carlos and James played the new song they wrote together in Calgary? Logan did the same in Toronto?"

I knew what they were getting at right away. "Fuck me, really? It's his turn to get up there and sing some sappy bullshit?"

"Can we just not let him and say we did?" Liz was walking up to us with a sour look.

Gustavo grumbled to himself and held up a thick stack of papers that was highlighted. "He pointed out that it's in his contract to be allowed to perform solo content when it's his turn."

This was the last thing I needed, an educated Kendall was an even more annoying Kendall. I rubbed my temples and made up my mind. "You know what? I don't care he can do what he wants. It's one more show and then the Tween Choice Awards. I can survive 24 more hours of his bullshit."

Kelly and Gustavo were grateful and apologetic but as I walked off, Liz was trying to negotiate a way around this. The idea of him singing about me was annoying but on the bright side, it was the last time I'd have to deal with it. The guys ran through their soundcheck and once they were finished we filmed a video for social media.

"And go." Kelly was holding up her phone.

"Hey, guys! It's Big Time Rush." James was cheerful.

"And it's Elle!"

Logan clapped his hands together. "We just want to say a huge thank you to all the fans who came out to see us this summer."

"The Count Me In Tour was sold out at every single show and it's still mind-blowing." Carlos draped his arm over my shoulder. "Thank you."

I smiled into the camera. "We really mean it when we say we have the best fans in the world. Thanks for all the support, buying our albums, and for the love."

Kendall held up a finger. "We just have one small favor to ask."

We all sucked in a breath and exclaimed at the same time. "Cast your votes for Big Time Rush and Elle Harper for the Tween Choice Awards!"

"Make sure you vote by midnight and tune in. We'll be coming to you live from Los Angeles."

"Swipe up to vote." I pointed to where the link would be. "Love you guys."

"Thanks!"

Once Kelly was pleased, she posted it to BTR's page and we all reposted it. It really was just an honor to be nominated but I wouldn't mind winning at least one award. I wanted to prove to myself and to the world, that the Kendall drama wouldn't lead to another hiatus. I had to admit that I was nervous. I hadn't been to a big event since the Incident. I knew the red carpet would be full of questions about it. But it had to be better than the last Tween Choice Awards I went to. Jett and I had gotten into a nasty fight just before the carpet and people had thought I had been drunk. The memory made me frown but I shook it off. I was determined to stay positive.

It wasn't hard to do this during the meet and greet.

The group of fans was sizeable, even for a tour like ours. The backstage area was crowded with people who were all waiting to meet us. They held bags stuffed with merch. It never got old seeing people wearing my face on their bodies. I met a countless amount of people, signed their posters and posed for photos.

"Hi, I love you so much. I voted for you on three different laptops plus my phone." One girl was breathless as she approached me. "You're so gonna win."

"Wow. Thank you so much!" I signed her poster and hugged her. "How about a photo?"

Fans could usually be broken down into four categories. Screamers, criers, shy ones, and chill ones. That first girl had definitely been a screamer. She was loud, animated and bubbly. I looked to my left and a girl I had met a few moments ago was full-on sobbing as she hugged James.

"I love you so much. You're my favorite person."

James was patting her back. "Thanks, I love you too."

The shy ones were always my favorite because I was anxious every time I met a stranger too. A young girl held out her poster and her hands were shaking.

"H-Hi, Elle. I love your album."

I gave her a grin. "Thank you, what's your name?"

"Meredith."

I made out my signature to her and hugged her. "It's nice to meet you, Meredith."

Something that always blew my mind was what fans gave us. I had been gifted a weird collection of things from fans over the years. People had named stars after me, bought me perfumes that I had mentioned liking in an interview. In Arizona, people often brought my favorite sandwich from a local deli. I didn't mind that one at all. But my favorites were artwork and tattoos. So when I saw security helping a teen lug in two canvases my heart melted.

"What do we have here?" Carlos asked as he helped her.

She was a little shy but excited. "I was bored and I bought tickets the day they went on sale. I had some time to kill."

She had painted the guys on stage with so much detail that I recognized their outfits. Her painting of me was from my set too. I was in the outfit I wore at the end of my set. It was like looking at a photo of me.

"Oh my god. This is amazing. Thank you so much."

We took pictures with the girl and her art and followed her on social media. I promised her I'd post a picture of the painting once I put it in my music room at home. It was near the end of the meet and greet when things took a heavy turn. A woman around my age rolled up her sleeve. Her arm was covered in thick scars not too different from my own. It made my heart drop into my stomach.

"I got this tattoo after your song. It, uh, really helped me."

The tattoo was in black ink, in a pretty cursive script.

 _You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece._

It was from my song _Colors_. The fact that someone had been in a similar place I was and my lyrics had helped them made me emotional. It was always strange to realize that someone had words that you wrote permanently inked into their skin.

"Oh, wow." I blinked a few times, searching for words. "Are you okay? I mean, how long has it been since-"

She pushed her sleeve back down. "Four years. The scars were really bumming me out so I thought I'd have some fun. I heard that line and went to get the tattoo three days later."

"You're incredible."

We hugged tightly and I made her promise to take care of herself. I was glad things wrapped up after that because I needed a moment to myself. Once I was in my dressing room I had to take a few breaths. I had written that song about Jett. For him. He was so insecure and had been falling apart during our relationship. But at the same time, he had been this incredible force of creativity. He was broken but still so brilliant. It hadn't occured to me until I saw her tattoo that the line could be about someone other than him. It could be about _me._ I had been through so much in just 22 years but I was still able to be creative and happy.

I could still be worth something.

The soft wrap of knuckles against the door made me turn around. Kendall was in the doorway, his face was somber. My eyebrows raised as I waited for him to speak.

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to see if you're okay. The guys and I saw that fan show you her uh..." He gestured to his arm. "We were just worried."

There was still a knot in my stomach but I nodded. "I'm fine. It was just a lot. She has words about Jett on her skin because they meant something else to her. It's just weird."

"Music can really touch people. Never underestimate the power of a good song."

"And never underestimate the power of a shitty song." I griped without thinking. "You're really going to ruin the last night of tour by singing some song about me?"

The shift in mood made Kendall pause for a moment. "They aren't shitty. And who said it's about you?"

"You did. You told me every song you write is about me."

"Only because you won't listen to me when I tell you I love you. You put up this wall and refuse to accept the fact that I like you."

"It's not that I don't hear you say it. It's just that I don't care anymore. I'm tired of fighting about this."

"You don't care about my feelings for you?"

"No." I stood to my feet. "I'm not going to be in the position I was this summer ever again. So go and sing your stupid song."

Kendall's grin was smug as he leaned in my ear. "You know what I think? I think you're scared because you know that we belong together."

"The only way those words work in a sentence is if you include the word don't."

"That's not true. But you'll see, Elle. I'm going to make this up to you. I'm going to play this song, I have so many about you."

The thought of him continuing to rehash our relationship angered me. He didn't get to control the narrative this much. This back and forth felt like the beginning of summer when we played our game. The sexual tension was painful and he was annoying but I wasn't one to back down from a challenge. My mind was made up and I shrugged.

"Sing your song. I don't care. It's the last one I'll ever be forced to hear." I pushed past him and stood in the doorway. "Now, if you'll excuse me I have a show to get ready for."

* * *

When showtime rolled around I was a mess of excited nerves. This summer had dragged on for ages and it felt like I would never get to the finish line but here I was. Carlos, Logan, James and I were in a circle at the edge of the stage. We had shot glasses and James was leading the end of tour toast.

"To a soldout, crazy, and wild fucking summer."

We clinked glasses and downed our shots. They cheered and hyped me up as I took my microphone. This was so different from the first show. I had been close to throwing up from stage fright. I had worried that no one would want to see me. But now, I could hear the fans cheering my name. I had earned every minute of this and I wasn't going to waste it being sad about Kendall.

"Vancouver! Are you ready to party?"

Maybe it was reality or maybe it was a placebo effect, but the audience seemed to be the craziest one of the summer. There were more signs than usual, the screams were louder and the venue nearly shook from all the jumping. The smile on my face was wide and my cheeks hurt but I couldn't help myself. The feeling of being on stage was my favorite thing and I was happy. So happy that Kendall watching my every move from the side of the stage didn't phase me. In fact, it made my heart beat faster. He may have found a loophole that let him sing his song. But I got to perform before him and being betrayed more than once had taught me to always have something up my sleeve. I had just finished _Colors_ and turned to my band. This was the part of the show where I usually sang a fan request instead of the duet.

"The new one?" I mouthed to them.

They nodded and I gave a thumbs-up before turning back to the fans.

"This is the last tour of the summer you guys. I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for sticking by me. You guys are the best fans in the world."

"We love you, Elle!"

I waved to a pair of fans in the front row. "I love you guys, too. In fact, I love you guys so much, I have a new song. That is if you want to hear it."

My tone was teasing and the screaming grew to a roar. Out of the corner of my eye, Kendall's jaw was clenched and he shook his head.

"This one is called Strangers Again!"

The music started with electric guitar and synth.

"How did I get here? What have I done? It's like I've been sleeping for two years and I'm just waking up." It started out slow and steady. It felt like I had been in some sort of haze since Kendall and I met. "Like I'm coming out of a blackout like I didn't see you until right now."

I had written this song over the course of the past few weeks. It was about the Kendall Incident, Minnesota and the fight we had when my album had come out.

"I'm feeling like I built a prison and put myself in it." I had made myself miserable by letting myself be around Kendall when I returned to the tour. I was tired of being trapped with him every day. I was tired of the routine of us arguing. "I don't wanna go through the motions."

The chorus kicked in with pulsing drums and the tempo picked up.

"I can't stand it when you touch me like that. It just reminds me of the nights that I spent telling myself it was fine. Now, I'm over that." My gaze shifted from the fans to Kendall who was all anger and narrowed eyes. "I think it's better if we just pretend we're just strangers again."

This song had been partially inspired by the time we had spent in Seattle. Kendall had dragged me into a rainstorm after listening to my album and had all but begged for a second chance. He had kissed me and gripped my waist. He had this habit of kissing me and trying to touch me as if it would be enough to make me forget everything he had put me through. Last night he had held onto me like I was going to disappear. I hated it. The feeling of his skin against mine reminded me of how I used to let him take my clothes off, of how I trusted him. I hated how it made me fall to pieces.

"I don't wanna pick up the pieces, I just wanna watch it all fall apart." I sang and tried to ignore the fact that I was being watched. "Like it should, like I said it would."

The thing about Kendall that really pissed me off was just how stubborn he was. He didn't know when to quit and had been trying to get back together since I had returned to the tour. He was incapable of seeing what I saw. This was ruined, it was broken beyond any kind of repair. I had known this wasn't going to last forever. How could it? I didn't trust him and he had hurt me. We should have just let it end after he shared those pictures. But he wouldn't give up.

Even now, he was watching my every move and it was obvious that he didn't agree with me. And soon enough, he'd be singing a song about me. He didn't know when to quit. So it was up to me to put an end to this.

The chorus repeated itself and I focused on the music and danced to the beat. It was an electropop song and even if Kendall didn't like it, I sure did.

"I think it's better if we just pretend we're just strangers again."

If all went according to plan, this time tomorrow I'd be at the award show and just an hour away from never seeing Kendall again. We'd go back to how it was, I wouldn't know him and he wouldn't know me. Maybe I'd move to New York, lots of great artists created music there. Why couldn't I? Or maybe I'd go on a long world tour. All I knew was that after tomorrow, I'd never see him again.

The song reached the bridge and it slowed down a bit. I made my way back to the mic stand and held on tight to keep my hands from shaking. Premiering a brand new song was always nerve-wracking, especially when the person it was about was so close by.

"We had what we had but it's done and I'm over it. I held on for too long when I should've let go of it." I ran my hand through my hair and my eyes wandered over to Kendall. His arms were folded and he barely looked at me as I sang at him. "And I know it was wrong but I tried to keep hold of it. It was wrong, it was wrong, it was wrong."

My 'relationship' with Kendall had run its course. For better or worse it had happened and there was no point in denying it. I had tried to make it work. I had been professional at the start of the summer. I had tried to be civil when I returned to the tour. And for a few, fleeting days in Minnesota, I thought we could be together. But there was no point in trying to fix something so broken. It would only end up hurting both of us even further.

"Vancouver, let me hear you!"

They had picked up on the lyrics enough to shout along. There was something glorious about the whole venue screaming my words back at me.

"I can't stand it when you touch me like that. It just reminds me of the nights that we spent, telling myself it was fine, now I'm over that."

It would be better for both of us if we ended how we started. As strangers. Just like I had written in the duet, I had seen something in him and thought he could know me. But that had been a mistake. I had let things go too far. I shouldn't have climbed in his bed on the tour bus. I shouldn't have told him to take me to his house after the ice rink. I shouldn't have done a lot of things involving Kendall. But I was sure about this.

"I think it's better if we just pretend we're just strangers again."

"How did I get here? What I have done? It's like I've been sleeping for two years and I'm just waking up." It started out slow and steady. It felt like I had been in some sort of haze since Kendall I met. "Like I'm coming out of a blackout like I didn't see you until right now."

I had written this song over the course of the past few weeks. It was about the Incident, Minnesota and the fight we had when my album had just come out.

"I'm feeling like I built a prison and put myself in it." I had made myself miserable by letting myself be around Kendall when I returned to the tour. I was tired of being trapped with him every day. I was tired of the routine of us arguing. "I don't wanna go through the motions."

The chorus kicked in with pulsing drums and the tempo picked up.

"I can't stand it when you touch me like that. It just reminds me of the nights that I spent telling myself it fine. Now, I'm over that." My gaze shifted from the fans to Kendall who was all anger and narrowed eyes. "I think it's better if we just pretend, we're just strangers again."

This song had been partially inspired by the time we had spent in Seattle. Kendall had dragged me into a rainstorm after listening to my album and had all out begged for a second chance. He had kissed me and gripped my waist. He had this habit of kissing me and trying to touch me as if it would be enough to make me forget everything he had put me through. Last night he had held onto me like I was going to disappear. I hated it. The feeling of his skin against mine reminded me of how I used to let him take my clothes off, of how I trusted him. I hated how it made me fall to pieces.

"I don't wanna pick up the pieces, I just wanna watch it all fall apart." I sang and tried to ignore the fact that I was being watched. "Like it should, fall apart like I said I would."

The thing about Kendall that really pissed me off was just how stubborn he was. He didn't know when to quit and had been trying to get back together since I had returned to the tour. He was incapable of seeing what I saw. This was ruined, it was broken beyond any kind of repair. I had known this wasn't going to last forever. How could it? I didn't trust him and he had hurt me. We should have just let it end after he shared those pictures. But he wouldn't give up.

Even now, he was watching my every move and it was obvious that he didn't agree with me. And soon enough, he'd be singing a song about me. He didn't know when to quit. So it was up to me to put an end to this.

The chorus repeated itself and I focused on the music and jumped to the beat. It was an electropop song and even if Kendall didn't like it, I sure did.

"I think it's better if we just pretend we're just strangers again."

If all went according to plan, this time tomorrow I'd be at the award show and just an hour away from never seeing Kendall again. We'd go back to how it was, I didn't know him and he wouldn't know me. Maybe I'd move to New York, lots of great artists created music there. Why couldn't I? Or maybe I'd go on a long world tour. All I knew was that after tomorrow, I'd never see him again.

The song reached the bring and it slowed down a bit. I made my way back to the mic stand and held on tight to keep my hands from shaking. Premiering a brand new song was always nerve-wracking, especially when the person it was about was so close by.

"We had what we had but it's done now I'm over it. I held on for too long when I should've let go of it." I ran my hand through my hair and my eyes wandered over to Kendall. His arms were folded and he barely looked at me as I sang at him. "And I know it was wrong but I tried to keep hold of it. It was wrong, it was wrong, it was wrong."

My 'relationship' with Kendall had run its course. For better or worse it had happened and there was no point in denying it. I had tried to make it work. I had been professional at the start of summer. I had tried to be civil when I returned to the tour. And for a fleeting few days in Minnesota, I thought we could be together. But there was no point in trying to fix something so broken. It would only end up hurting both of us even further.

"Vancouver, let me hear you!"

They had picked up on the lyrics enough to shout along. There was something glorious about the whole venue screaming your words back at you.

"I can't stand it when you touch me like that. It just reminds me of the nights that we spent, telling myself it was fine, now I'm over that."

It would be better for both of us if ended how we started. As strangers. Just like I had written in the duet I had seen something in him and thought he could know me. But that had been a mistake. I had let things go too far. I shouldn't have climbed in his bed on the tour bus. I shouldn't have told him to take me to his house after the ice rink. I shouldn't have done a lot of things involving Kendall. But I was sure about this.

"I think it's better if we just pretend we're just strangers again."

The rest of my set went great once Kendall had stormed off. I wasn't going to let him get me down. I enjoyed every second of being on stage for the last time this summer. When my set came to a close I was crying and couldn't help but smile.

"Vancouver, you're love is my drug! I just want to thank you for an incredible summer. I love you guys to the moon and back." I waved as flowers were tossed onto the stage. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

There was a final drum solo and fireworks as I took my bow.

"I love you so much!"

When I got offstage, I was engulfed in a group hug by the guys who were all buzzing with excitement. Liz congratulated me on all my hard work and Gustavo was more than pleased.

"I see you sang the new song."

"What can I say, Gustavo? I like having leverage."

He shook my hand. "You've put on an amazing show all summer. Well done."

* * *

I wasn't sure where Kendall had disappeared to after my new song, but he certainly wasn't lost when he took a seat on stage. I was waiting to sing with the guys but first I had to suffer through Kendall's melodramatic love song. Fans still booed him with an alarming intensity.

"So, the summer is over and so is the tour. But I just wanted to take this chance to apologize for the mess I've made. This is a song I wrote about our opening act."

"At least he didn't namedrop you." Liz's voice was full of forced positivity.

"I guess."

The music started and it was a bit electronic but he also had his guitar. Behind him, the guys sat near the back of the stage rolling their eyes and shooting me worried glances.

"I can't take this loneliness. Made mistakes and I regret them." His head turned to look at me and he looked just as guilty as the day I left. "I'm sorry for the things that I did. I'm sorry for the way I acted."

My stomach had worked itself into a nauseous mess and I wrung my hands together. He had said 'I'm sorry' at least a thousand times and every time was more sincere than the last. He strummed his guitar and I tried not to think about how it was the same one he had used when we had written our song together.

"You mean the world to me and I want the world to know. Don't let me go." He repeated this line twice and sang about not being able to find anyone else like me. "I'm sorry for the things that I said. I'm sorry for the way I left it."

He ignored the crowd that jeered him and it was like we were the only two people in the room. There had been a time that this had filled me with excitement. That had to be what falling in love was like. But now, I was just full of dread and my eyes were burning. He repeated the verse about not finding anyone else like me and played an interlude. I knew every inch of his face well enough to be able to see the pain from here. He sang through the chorus a few more times with such emotion I was surprised he hadn't started crying right there on stage.

"You mean the world to me. I want the world to know. Don't let me go." His voice cracked a bit and he was pleading as he looked at me. "Don't let me go. Don't let me go."

I couldn't find words when the song ended. Distantly, Liz said something catty but I couldn't hear her. I just watched as Kendall kept his eyes to the ground as he walked off stage. No one was throwing flowers for him. I didn't want to see him like that. But I also didn't want to see him ever again.

My songs with BTR were a blur. I knew I hit every note and lyric. I knew I touched fans' hands and interacted with the guys. But all I could think about was how this part of the show had evolved.

"I've got a big-time crush on you."

I used to sing this line to flirt with his friends and get under his skin. Then I would sing it to him and share a private smile. Now, it was in the way of my life without Kendall.

I stuck around for the rest of their set. Logan, James, and Carlos had become my best friends this summer and they had worked hard. I wasn't going to miss their final moments. Watching them perform had put me in a better mood. How could I have been pissed about touring with them? I had pouted the whole car ride over to Rocque Records. I was grateful for my time with them. They had saved my career and my life. So, when they waved me on stage before the last song I had to go out.

"Let's give another hand to Elle Harper who absolutely killed it this summer!" Carlos shouted as I walked out. "Let's hear it."

I waved and thanked them "And what about Big Time Rush?"

There was even more screaming and we all shared a hug. The music swelled once more and the venue was bursting with energy. I sang every word at the top of my lungs. This was the best feeling in the world.

"I'm Elle Harper, thank you so much."

"And we're Big Time Rush."

In unison and with grins on our faces, we shouted. "And this has been the Count Me In Tour!"

"Vancouver, let's bring it home!"

Confetti blasted from the cannons and fireworks crackled. The bass shook the building.

"If you want it all lay it on the line. It's the only life you've got so you gotta live it big time!"

And just like that, The Count Me In Tour was over.

* * *

Champagne was flowing when we got backstage. We toasted to a job well done and a much-needed break. We crowded together for a picture to mark the occasion and the mood was bright. Even Kendall had managed to stop scowling long enough to drink a glass of champagne.

"Congratulations, dogs and congratulations, Elle on a sold-out tour." Gustavo was holding a glass and for once, he was happy. "I'm proud of all the work you've done. The flight leaves in four hours so let's be out here no later than an hour from now."

Our little party separated after that. I had packed my stuff up early and I planned to shower now so I could sleep when I got to the hotel. Liz and I shared a private congratulations before she went to take her nightly conference call. I opened the door to my dressing room and shot out of my skin when I saw Kendall still in his stage clothes. Sweat shone on his skin and there were a few pieces of confetti stuck in his hair.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded with a hand on my hip. "You're getting sweat on my couch."

"I'll buy you a new one." He deadpanned. "Can we talk?"

The groan that came from me was automatic. "No, go away. The tour is over, bye."

"Elle." He reached an arm out towards me. "Please.

"What the fuck do you want, Kendall?"

"I just want to talk."

How many times could we have the same conversation? Not only was it emotionally draining but it was also boring. I knew exactly how this would play out and neither of us had uttered a single word yet. "There's nothing left to talk about."

"You sang about me tonight." He said this like it was a grand discovery.

"I sing about you every night." It was my turn to deadpan and I ticked off the songs on my fingers. " _Delicate_ , _Heart_ _Attack_ and _Body_ _Say_ are all about you. I don't think this calls for a conversation."

"Yeah, but you sang about how you hate when I touch you. What's that about?"

"I thought the message was pretty clear." I picked at my fingernails and thought of the lyrics. "You touching me isn't something I want ever again. I meant what I said."

He was indignant about this and his mouth fell open. "So, you want to act like we don't know each other? Ignore everything that happened between us?"

"Yes. This time tomorrow I will be in bed, in my apartment, alone. You and I will never see each other again."

"Ever?" There was a hint of panic in his voice. "You never want to see me again?"

His feelings were hurt and I bit the inside of my cheek. "The summer's over. There are no more concerts and after tomorrow we'll have no reason to see each other."

Kendall pushed off the couch and his eyebrows were pulled together. "Just because the summer and tour are over doesn't mean we have to be."

"That's exactly what it means."

"But you wanted _me_ , you have to have feelings for _me_." He jabbed a finger into his chest. "What about when we were in Minnesota?"

"We fucked." My tone was colder than I expected it to be. "Get over it."

That might have been a little too callous and he was visibly taken aback. "You know it wasn't just sex. It was real. I want something real."

The prediction I made had been right. We were having the exact same conversation and I was already tired. "Get back with Jo then. You were with her for six years. That seemed real."

"I don't want Jo. I'm in love with _you_ , not her. Please, just give me a second chance."

He really had the nerve to ask for another chance? What did he think was going to change my mind this time? "To what, betray me? Share my pictures?"

"To love you. To show you I can be a good boyfriend." He brushed his hand over my arm. "I want to show you how much you mean to me."

"I gave you enough chances." My voice was tight and I rocked on my feet. "I gave you so many fucking chances."

"Then what's one more?" He had a small smile on his face. "I love you. I just want to prove it to you."

I pushed his hand off of me in disgust. I was done with him making stupid speeches that were supposed to fix things. "Stop saying that!"

"Why?" He challenged. "Because you know it's true? Because you know you feel the same way I do?"

Anger was brewing inside me and I clenched my fists. "No, I don't."

"Oh yeah?" He challenged me with that smug look he wore at the start of the tour. "I saw you in Minnesota. You were falling for me. I know you were."

"It doesn't matter if I was. I'm never going to be with you."

"Why not?"

"I'm scared to be with you," I said bluntly, there was no use in lying. "I am never going to be in that situation again."

"And I'm scared of losing you for good!" He raised his voice at me.

The summer was going to end how it started. With Kendall and I inevitably getting into a fight backstage. How had we come so far just to make all the same mistakes?

"If you haven't noticed, you lost me when you told me you slept with me as a bet."

He exhaled loudly and rubbed his fists into his eyes. "I regret that every day and I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove how sorry I am."

I pushed past him and pulled the door open. "Prove you're sorry by leaving me alone for the rest of my life."

He didn't speak as he crossed the room. He easily pushed the door shut and blocked my path. "That can't be what you really want. Do you really never want to see me again? You want me to say goodbye to you tomorrow and then disappear?"

It took all my willpower to keep my face neutral. The thought of Kendall no longer being apart of my life was almost unbearable. But just because something was right didn't mean it was easy. I drew in a breath and my words were clipped.

"It's what needs to be done. You and I can't be together."

"And why's that? And not just because of the bet or the pictures. You know I'm sorry about that and you know I'll never do anything like that again."

I did know that. I believed him because he saw how it had made me completely fall apart. I had seen the guilt on his face that day it happened. But there were so many other reasons it could never work.

"Because we already have all this baggage and it was just one summer. I can't deal with this kind of drama all the time."

Kendall held up his hand to stop me. "Exactly, it was one summer and I'm already in love with you. We're meant to be together and I think you know that."

"You're not in love with me," I grumbled under my breath as I began to pace. "It's just the sex clouding your brain."

"Really?" He seemed to find this funny. "You don't think I'm in love with you? Elle, you're all I think about. Even before we started having sex, I knew I was fucked. I want to be with you. There's something about you that makes me feel... whole? I can't explain it but I'm so in love with you. All of you, not just your body or looks, but every part of you."

My breath hitched in my throat and I wanted to tell him I knew what he meant. I knew exactly what he meant but I held up my hands. "Kendall, no."

He reached his hand out to stop my pacing. "Just be with me."

We stared at each other for a long moment. Green eyes into brown and he towered over me. He wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with him. All I had to do was say yes but the word was stuck on the tip of my tongue.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I can't."

He brought a hand up to hold my face. "Baby, please."

"Y-You have to go. Get out of here." I gave him a hard shove that sent him stumbling. "Leave!"

Anger flashed across his face and he gritted his teeth. "No offense, you're being a coward."

"And you're an asshole." I shot back. "You always think you can manhandle me into doing what you want me to do."

"Fine. What do you want?" He questioned simply.

"I want to take a shower, get on a plane and go to this award show. And then, I want to go on tour in Europe and forget all about you."

He was all frustration and anger. "Jesus, no. What do you want from me? I've apologized. I've written songs. I will bend over backward to prove myself to you."

"Go away," I begged him. I knew if he stayed I'd end up admitting more than I wanted to.

"What do you want?" He spat each word out and pointed to himself. "Is it me?"

Tears had been building up in my eyes for a while and they finally started to fall. The room was stifling and it felt like I couldn't get any air into my lungs as I started crying. My stomach was in knots and I hated feeling this way. I knew what I wanted but I also knew what I needed. I needed him to leave. I needed to move on.

"Kendall, stop."

"Because if you want me that's great. But if not, I guess I'll accept it. After tomorrow you'll never see me again." The words seemed to pain him as he spoke because his face was pinched. "It's gonna suck but I'd do that for you. If I thought you were telling me the truth. I know you though, and I know this isn't what you want."

"Oh, you know what I want?" I laughed dryly. "Humor me."

"You want me, you want to be with me. You know how I know that?" He raised his eyebrows and when I didn't respond, he continued. "Because you came back."

"Bullshit. I came back from my fans and for myself."

"Maybe but you also haven't gone out of your way to avoid me since you've been back."

His words got under my skin and I narrowed my eyes. "Because you always force your way into my life! Why do you think I'm so excited for this tour to be over? It's because I don't have to deal with you showing up unexpectedly!"

This didn't stop him and he grew more passionate. "You needed me so you could fall asleep. You climbed into my bed. You met my mom. You took off your clothes for me. For fuck's sake, you always let me in when I'm at your door even though you claim to never want to see me. Do you know why you do that? You do that because you want me. Whether or not you want to admit it to yourself, you want to be with me. "

Hearing him throw my actions back at me stung. He was right about all of it. I always let him in no matter how much I hated it. Even right now. I could have left my dressing room or had security throw him out. But I didn't, he was still here. I hated how self-righteous he was, he was too pleased with himself because he knew he was right.

"And what do you want?" I challenged as I scrambled to get him to stop his staring. "If you think you have it all figured out what do you want?"

"You. I want to make this all up to you. I want to make you happy." He started before stopping himself and he caught onto me. "But I also want to you to be honest with me. What do you want?"

I was ready to throw in the towel and covered my eyes. "Get out. There are some things you can't fix."

"Elle." He was red in the face and near tears. "Tell me the truth, _please_. You feel the same way about me. I can see it on your face."

I took an unsteady step back and my mouth was dry. "I can't, I-I can't."

"Tell me you want me too. Just say the word and we'll be together."

"It's not that easy!" I was frustrated and tripping over my words as a million thoughts rushed through my head. "We shouldn't do this... Liz would flip...the fans... the press-. No, we just can't."

"Goddamn it, Eleanor!" He snapped and the veins in his neck bulged. He was just as fed up as I was. "It _is_ that easy! Don't think about what Liz wants or the fans or press will say. Don't even think about what I want. What do _you_ want?"

My eyes were full of tears and I didn't look up from the ground. There were so many things I wanted but I couldn't get the words out. I just wrapped my arms around myself and continued to cry.

"What do you w-want?" His voice cracked and he tried to wipe my face.

I couldn't take this anymore. "I don't want to get hurt again! I don't want you to lose your temper and expose me. I don't want you to shove me so hard that it leaves a bruise. I don't want you to make me want to die." I choked on tears and let out a shudder. "I don't want to be with you and have you do what Jett did."

Just like that his anger had vanished and he was fraught with concern. "No, god, no. I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't do any of that to you again. And as for Jett, I would never touch you like that. I would never do that. You know me."

"I thought I did. But you had me fooled all summer." I sniffed and my head started to pound. "What's to say 20 years from now you won't get mad at me and do something like in New York?'

His answer was fast like it was common sense. "Because when I think about us 20 years from now I picture us being happy."

I didn't believe him and folded my arms. "Yeah, right."

"Picture your life 10 years, 20 years from now." He was quiet and took hold of my hand. "What do you see? Because I'm damn sure that I see you."

"Kendall, stop."

"No, I see you. We're happy and you're right by my side." A stupid smile pulled at the corner of his lips. "You've finally won your Grammy, you let me drag you to hockey games, we spend Christmas at my mom's and it's just like the movies. We don't have kids but we have a dog that you dress in dumb outfits. And we're happy, we're so fucking happy. This summer and the mistakes I made are long forgotten. You love me just as much as I love you."

It was late and stuffy in my dressing room. From where I stood, I could see a bit of confetti that clung to Kendall's skin. His chest was heaving as he stared at me. I could also see us, hand in hand, in the bleachers of an arena as he tried to teach me about the sport he obsessed over. I could see myself thanking him for his support as I accepted my Grammy. I could picture all of it. But I couldn't see past the anger on his face when he told me I had been a bet.

"I don't know what I see," I said quietly. "I think we should end this now before we both hate each other."

"I could never hate you. I never have, even when I was acting like a dick in the beginning." He held me close. "I see you, I see us."

My instinct was to look at the ground and I hated how weak my voice was. "Kendall."

"Just tell me the truth, please." He begged in a hushed tone. "Tell me you don't have feelings for me."

"The truth?"

"That's all I want. I want you to be honest with me." Then he gave me that dumb smile that started everything. His green eyes were soft. "Because I'd be a damn liar if I said I wasn't in love with you."

"Of course I have feelings for you," I confessed to him and it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. "But I can't act on them. I won't."

The relieved and joyous expression that had been on his face vanished. "You can't act on them?"

"I told you my reasons."

He bit at his lip and closed his eyes for a moment. He stepped away from me and took a second to collect himself. When he looked back over to me his hands were shaking and his eyes had gone glassy. We were both so tired and sad that I was surprised we had made it this far. There was finally an end in sight, an end to all the fighting and the crying. It wasn't the way either of us wanted it to end, but it was what we needed.

"What's the point of us being in love with each other if we don't end up together?" He sounded broken and he shrunk in on himself. "If we don't end up together what's the point of any of this? We have feelings for each other but we're just going to p-pretend we're not right for each other?"

"Sometimes there isn't a happy ending. Sometimes people don't end up together."

"Fine." He held up his hands and I could see something harden in him. His voice was hallow and all the passion he had been filled with a moment ago was gone. "If you don't want to be with me I'll accept it. After tomorrow, you'll never see me again."

"Kendall..."

"No, if that's what's going to make you happy I'll do it." He cleared his throat and forced a smile to his face. "I'd do anything for you. And if this is what you want I'll give it to you. But I think you're making a mistake. I just need one more chance to prove it to you. We could have been so happy together."

"I know but-"

"Sometimes there isn't a happy ending. I heard you the first time." He pressed his lips to mine and we kissed like that first night in the dressing room. He stared at me for a long, painful, moment. There were tears in his eyes and he looked liked he wanted to say so much. But he could only manage a whisper. "Goodbye, Eleanor. I love you and I'm so fucking sorry."

He disappeared through the door and out of sight, leaving me alone. Just like that, no matter how much it killed me, my relationship with Kendall was over. All that was left was the feeling of his lips on mine and the smell of smoke, mint and his soap.

* * *

AN: The tour is over and so is Kendelle. Do you think they mean it or is there more to the story? The next chapter is about the Tween Choice Awards rehearsals. Everyone's in town for the big event. Big Time Rush, Elle, and a few old faces. Anything can happen when people from the past pop up.

I'm hoping to update next Thursday but we'll see. There are only three chapters left of this fic and I'd love to hear what you think will happen. Reviews really do keep me motivated when it comes to writing and posting.

What was your favorite part?

Thanks for reading and stay tuned!


	38. Chapter 38

AN: Wow! Thank you for the feedback. I'm really touched and appreciate it. This chapter takes place on the day of the Tween Choice Awards. We see Elle getting ready, Kendall does something good for once, and a character from the past pops up. This chapter could be a bit triggering for people so proceed with caution.

There's a longer note at the end and I'd be grateful if you read it.

Please enjoy and let me know what you think!

* * *

There were only twelve hours standing between me and the end of the summer. It couldn't come fast enough.

My job was the greatest in the world. I knew this. Being able to see a different city every day and getting paid to sing was something most people could only dream about. I was beyond grateful to have made it out of Arizona. But it was also nice to be home. Out my window, I could see the familiar skyline of downtown Los Angeles. The view made up for the long day ahead.

It was the morning of the Tween Choice Awards and things were already in full swing. I was tucked away in an expensive suite looking through the day's schedule. I had a spa session from ten to noon. Rehearsal and interviews were from noon to three. I'd come back to the hotel to get ready from four to six. The red carpet started just before seven and would last for 45 minutes. Liz wanted me to do as many interviews as possible before my break. The award show itself only lasted from eight to ten. And then it was nothing but after-parties that would go on until the early hours of the morning. It was a little past ten now and I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. We were at the hotel down the street from the venue. I was getting some early beauty preparations done for tonight's red carpet. This was my favorite part of any award show besides winning. It had been a grueling past few months and I figured I deserved to treat myself. I had expected it to be just me due to Liz being at the venue with Gustavo. But a sharp knock made me excuse myself from the woman plucking my eyebrows. I was pleasantly surprised to see James.

"Morning." He greeted with a bright smile. "Happy award show day."

"Happy award show day." I gave him a once over and saw that he was newly showered and had a red flush to his face. "Did you run here?"

"My trainer and I had a session now that I'm back in town." He flexed his bicep, showing off his muscles. "I need to look my best tonight. I have people to impress."

"I bet you do. I _also_ need to look my best tonight. Liz arranged for this whole glam squad to make me over."

James was looking past me into the room where the small team was gathered. "You want company?"

His early morning visit made sense now and I scoffed. "You just want to use my glam squad."

"Guilty as charged. I heard Liz mention it to Kelly." He followed me into my room. "I can never pass up a spa day."

James seemed to enjoy a good pampering even more than I did. He was right at home getting his nails trimmed and buffed alongside me. He reminded me of who his mother was and it all made sense. It didn't surprise me that his mother had been treating him to things like this since he was a child.

"You saw my house, she likes the finer things and so do I."

I let out a contented sigh and admired my freshly painted nails. "I don't blame you. This is nice and after all the Bet Bullshit, I deserve it."

He raised his green juice in a toast. "I'll drink to that."

Before every award show, celebrities indulged in a variety of beauty treatments to get red carpet ready. My makeup artist did a great job on the tour. But spending every night sweating under hot lights tended to wreak havoc on my skin. Award shows also meant high definition pictures and cameras. So, I spent the better part of my morning getting my eyebrows plucked, my teeth whitened and my body exfoliated. James and I were now getting facials from my usual girl and my hair had been trimmed. James was great company and it was nice to have someone to talk to. We chatted about what we were going to do now that the tour was over.

"Realistically, BTR is probably going to do a world tour and then taking a break." He confessed in a quiet voice. "I think we all want to branch out a little. Carlos has been directing, Logan's writing stuff that sounds nothing like the band's music, and I think I want to jump into acting."

It didn't go unnoticed that he didn't mention Kendall but I was too surprised to comment on that. "A break could be good. You want to act, what about modeling?"

"I can multitask but I think it could be cool to be creative in a way that's different from singing. Griffin wanted us to do our own projects a few years ago but we turned him down."

"I could see you on the big screen. You have leading man energy."

This made him grin and he seemed touched. "You think so?"

"For sure. Speaking of acting, you didn't have to hang out with me. I know Sydney is in town."

"Nonsense, I was awake from the gym." He opened one eye. "Besides, I'll never say no to a facial and a massage."

The esthetician applied thick face masks to our skin and James and I settled in deeper into our chairs. It was relaxing to spend the morning being treated so well. Mornings on tour involved a too-small shower and an early wake-up call.

"Too bad we couldn't get the guys to join us."

"Logan and Carlos are asleep and probably won't wake up for another hour." He tutted. "It'll be a miracle if the makeup artist can even get them to powder their noses."

I looked in the mirror at the white face mask I had on. The thought of extra sleep was nice, but this was better. The Tween Choice Awards were a fairly casual event but I knew I was in for a long day. I always found it interesting just how time was put into getting ready for something that only lasted a few hours. Concerts and award shows required so much build-up for such a short event. But I didn't mind, it was the best job in the world and after tonight, I'd be free.

"Men are so easy," I complained. "I'd love to roll out of bed and look good."

"I spent all summer watching you roll out of your bunk. Trust me, you look better in the morning than half of these people will look tonight."

His compliment made me smile under the drying face mask. "I bet that line works wonders on girls."

"I'll let you know how Sydney likes it. We'll see though, she's notorious for not dating people in the industry."

Sydney West was James' latest crush. She was a well-known child actor turned film star. Jett had been her costar once and he had told me all about her 'basic bitch boyfriend' who had been a normal person. He had found it completely bizarre that she'd date someone so boring. She had never dated someone famous and made a point not to mix business with pleasure. And after this summer I didn't blame her.

"I think she has the right idea. My life would be so much easier if I found a normal boyfriend. Maybe I'll date a barista or an accountant."

James was amused by the idea of this. "Maybe a lawyer, that way you can get a restraining order against Kendall."

The mention of Kendall made my stomach turn over. I was glad the face mask kept my face from moving because I'd probably be frowning. We had called our relationship off for good last night and it hurt. I had fought tears for most of the three-hour flight and once I had been alone in my hotel room I broke down completely. To make things worse, I had to sing the duet with him tonight because it was nominated. The only saving grace was that Gustavo and Liz had agreed to let us rehearse separately. We'd use the studio version of the song with the other person's voice left in. That way I only had to sing it with him once. James must have noticed my silence because he sat up from where he was getting his eyebrows tweezed **.**

"You okay?"

I picked at the belt on my robe. "We called it off last night. Or I guess I did, technically speaking."

"So I heard." He cringed at his choice of words. "We weren't listening in, it's just that you're both loud. And Kendall was drinking on the plane and you looked like you were going to cry so it wasn't hard to put it together."

"It's fine. It wasn't a secret or anything."

"Does he know that you're over? He was in Carlos' room trying to tell him about this song he wrote about you and kept saying that you had feelings for him."

"He knows." I thought of the way he stormed out of my dressing room. "And of course that's what he focused on."

He seemed unsure of how to continue. "Is he wrong to think that?"

I guess I hadn't told anyone the truth about my feelings and it felt strange to say it out loud. "No. I have feelings for him. I-I feel the same way he does."

James was surprised by this and blinked a few times. "And you're not together?"

"No. I like him and it sucks but we shouldn't be together." I sighed and gave a tight smile. "Like I told him last night, sometimes there isn't a happy ending. We're never going to see each other again after tonight if I'm lucky."

He reached over and gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "That's really brave. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks."

We were both quiet for a while, enjoying each other's company and the pampering when James spoke up.

"Oh, and by the way," He flashed his freshly whitened teeth with a devious grin. "You may be getting rid of Kendall. But you're never getting rid of me and the other guys."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

* * *

My beauty preparations came to an end after my facial and I soon found myself down the street at the theatre. The day had gotten off to a rocky start when I arrived at the venue. It was huge to accommodate the myriad of celebrities that would be here. My dressing room was hidden in a distant hallway and I had to call Liz to send security to come find me after I had gotten lost. At first, I felt bad for holding up the schedule but it turns out she had gotten lost too.

I had just practiced presenting the award for Favorite Social Media Star and was watching the guys practice their introductions. Kendall and Carlos were presenting for Favorite Gamer. Logan and James were presenting for Favorite Actress. They shared a bit of banter before Logan leaned into the mic.

"And the Tween Choice Award for Favorite Actress goes to..."

James opened an envelope. "It says to be announced but probably Sydney West."

This made me laugh and Liz shook her head. "You know he picked that category on purpose."

"The things people do for crushes. It's kind of sweet. The only time Jett did something cute for me was after he did something awful." Liz shot me a dark look. "What? All I'm saying is something like that is cute but they aren't real. No one is going to pull a grand gesture like that for me."

"What about Kendall?"

We both turned to look at him. He was standing with Carlos who was clearly trying to cheer him up. I could sense his hangover from here. His blonde hair was tucked in a beanie and he was wearing his black sweatshirt. His eyes were red and puffy just like mine had been this morning. It had taken the glam squad a long time to tone down the redness and soothe how swollen they had been.

"I doubt it. He left my dressing room last night and said he accepted that we were over."

Liz clapped her hands together. "Who needs a vacation when you can hear something like that? Suddenly, I feel better."

I shoved her. "Yeah, yeah. Once I get through this stupid duet, I'll be golden."

Luckily, I wouldn't be seeing much of him today. Big Time Rush and I had separate interviews that took up the rest of the early afternoon. Once again, I got lost trying to find the interview room and needed someone to guide me. Between interviews Liz wanted me to sneak in some time to answer some fan questions on Twitter. She had left me in Kelly's hands while she ran to go get lunch and make sure my stylist team was set up at my hotel. We were only a few hours away from the red carpet and I would be heading out soon. I was excited for tonight even if I had to sing the duet. I would also be singing _Colors_ which fans really seemed to enjoy.

BTR had to go through their soundcheck a second time after a microphone complication. My soundcheck went fine. I ran through _Colors_ and couldn't wait to sing it on live TV. It was a little awkward to sing a duet with a recording of Kendall's voice but it was better than the real thing. This one song brought up so many memories. It had been a month and a half since I had last sung it but I didn't miss a beat. And according to Gustavo, neither did Kendall. He had practiced early this morning when I was hanging out with James. I was glad I didn't have to hear him sing it more than I had to. It was sweet of him to come in early and do that. He definitely didn't owe me any favors. Despite the tension, I was determined to have a good time.

Award shows, in general, were always enjoyable. I was looking forward to other people's performances. It was also nice to see other friends from the industry. It was like a giant reunion because people you hadn't seen for a while were bound to be here. Adam, who had been in my video, had dropped by the craft service area to say hi. As well as Lucy Stone. She leaned against the table and nodded to Kendall.

"How have you been? I wasn't sure if I should text you or not."

"I'm fine. Just ready to never see him again." I turned on the kettle to boil water. "This summer has been too much."

She nodded. "Do you think he'll get back with Jo?"

Kendall's words from last night rang in my head.

 _I don't want Jo. I'm in love with you, not her._

"Doubt it. He cheated on her and she's been talking shit about both of us."

Lucy seemed surprised by this. "Has she? She's always been disgustingly nice."

It took all of five seconds to pull up her Twitter feed. I had stumbled across her posts when fans had tagged me in them. They ranged from the day after the Kendall Incident to just a few hours ago. They were mixed in with regular tweets about being on set, what she was up to, and pictures of Italy. It made me wonder if she had no one to vent to.

"See for yourself."

 _JoTaylorOfficial: Heading home for the TCAs today. Hopefully, I only see people I like!_

 _JoTaylorOfficial: Some girls love to play the victim when they're actually just a slut._

 _JoTaylorOfficial: I may be boring but at least I don't fuck guys with girlfriends. #noshade #justfacts_

 _JoTaylorOfficial: People have been asking what happened in New York. He cheated on me with a low rate bitch. He didn't know how good he had it._

 _JoTaylorOfficial: Don't feel bad for either of them. They're both toxic liars who deserve each other._

Lucy raised an eyebrow and handed my phone back. "I don't know whether to be proud that she finally grew a backbone or pissed she's running her mouth."

"I love how her username includes official, who would want to pretend to be her?" I snorted and rolled my eyes. "She slapped me last time I saw her, I better beef up my security."

"We can take her." Lucy gave a smug smile and jokingly cracked her knuckles. "Kendall's exes have to stick together."

This made me laugh and I shoved her. It was nice to be home with friends again. "Speak of the devil."

Kendall was making his way over to the table and was on his phone. He hadn't noticed us yet and Lucy gathered her things in a hurry.

"This is awkward. I'll see you at the afterparty."

I waved goodbye and Kendall was confused when she rushed past him. "Was that Lucy?"

"We were just catching up." This was the first time we had talked since last night and I shuffled my feet. "How are you?"

He rubbed his forehead. "A little hungover. I drank a little too much last night."

"Of course you did."

The cold shoulder I gave him caught him off guard and he looked like he wanted to say something. I busied myself with opening a teabag and hoped he'd go away.

"I wanted to let you know, our dressing room is next to yours. So if you see me loitering it's not on purpose."

Leave it to Kendall to find a way to have a conversation about something so unimportant just so he could talk to me. But I was determined to be polite. I only had to be professional for a few more hours.

"You're fine." I stopped stirring and set down my cup. "I doubt I'll be in there much. I've gotten lost twice today."

He rolled his eyes and he was amused. "Of course you did. You have a terrible sense of direction. Carlos got lost too."

"All the hallways look the same. You can't blame me."

There was a brief pause and he looked unsure. "I uh- I wanted to let you know-"

"Spit it out."

"Jett and Jo are here." He said quickly, trying to get it over with. "I overheard Kelly say something about it. I just wanted you to know so you wouldn't be surprised or scared or anything."

My aloof attitude faded and I was actually grateful. "I'm not scared of Jett."

"Of course not. You're a badass." He gave a small smile. "I just thought you should know beforehand."

"Well, thank you. I appreciate it." I picked up my cup and patted his arm. "I'm definitely going to hide in my dressing room once I find it."

"If you get lost just shout."

I hightailed it away from the backstage area and towards my dressing room. Seeing Jett and Jo wasn't high on my to-do list today. Jo would probably try to slap me or slut-shame me and I wasn't in the mood for Jett's sexist comments. Liz and my driver would be coming back for me so I could get ready for the red carpet. I simply had to bide my time in my room.

That was easier said than done because I was lost in the maze of grey hallways. Celebrities deemed more 'important' were placed further away from the noise of the crowd. I didn't consider this a perk and wondered why I needed a dressing room when my hotel was just down the street. I passed by door after door, none of them had my name on them. It was quiet back here, no one really spent much time in these rooms until they were about to go onstage. I knew damn well Jo Taylor wasn't important enough to have a room near mine. As for Jett, he had probably left for his traditional red carpet routine of spray tanning, teeth whitening, and ingesting some kind of illegal substance. I wasn't too worried about him, but I still would rather avoid them both.

At this point, I wasn't going to find my dressing room in time to pee. I made a mental note to ask Liz to get me a room that wasn't in a different universe for the next award show. After washing my hands, I sent her a quick text asking her when she'd be here. Her response was quick but made me groan.

 _Ten minutes, stuck in traffic. But I have your dress and a salad for you!_

Ten minutes wasn't too long of a wait but it didn't make finding my dressing room worth it. So, I pulled open the door and decided to just go hang out with the guys near the stage. If I hurried, I could probably sneak in a bagel before Liz got here. She claimed carbs before the red carpet would make my face puffy.

"Well, well, well."

Suddenly, my appetite was gone and I shook my head.

"What are you doing here?"

"You could sound more excited than that, Len."

I was face to face with all six feet and two inches of Jett Xavier Stetson. He was coming out of the men's room and wore a wolfish grin.

"I had to powder my nose." He laughed at his own joke and held up a small bag. "Get it?"

It was obvious to me now that he had mentioned it. His pupils were blown wide, the black nearly obscuring the blue. He sniffed and rubbed at his nose.

"It's a shame you wasted all that money on rehab." I scoffed as I went to walk away from him. "Bye."

He stepped in front of my path and seemed annoyed by my comment. "Do you want some?"

"No and especially not from you. I just came to use the bathroom. Enjoy your drugs, Jett."

"I didn't come back here to do drugs. I mean, I did." He smirked a little and came closer. "I saw you head back here and couldn't help myself."

This made me wrinkle my nose and I felt a bit nervous. I didn't relish the idea of being back here with him. "Well, you saw me. Congratulations."

He let me walk past him but hummed. "So, you found out it was a bet? Kendall's a real dumbass for letting you find out. I told him how great you were in bed. I know I wouldn't do anything to fuck that up."

"Fuck off. That's none of your business and the last time I checked, you did fuck it up. Or did you do so many drugs that you forgot?"

"Trust me. I didn't forget and even if I did." He leaned down into my ear and used a sing-song voice. "I have the tape."

Anger coursed through me and I shoved him. "I hate you."

"I gotta admit, I saw your soundcheck and knew I had to come see you." His voice was low and his breath was warm against my cheek. "You looked good, moving that little body of yours and singing that song. You think about me when you sing it?"

I hadn't realized he had seen my soundcheck or heard me singing _Colors._ My gut told me I had to get out of here and I distanced myself from him.

"I don't actually. It's not just about you, it's about me."

This didn't stop him and he continued talking. His speech was rushed and he was all charm. This is how he always was after doing a line of coke.

"I miss you, Len. I fucked up and I know that. But I miss you, miss being with you." He ran his hand up my arm. "I'm sorry I was such a shitty boyfriend. I'm doing a lot better now."

"Yeah because snorting cocaine backstage is such an improvement. At least you recognize how shitty you were."

He frowned at me. "It was a long flight, don't be a bitch. You weren't perfect either, you made everyone think I overdosed."

"You did! You weren't breathing and I wasn't going to let you die."

Goosebumps cropped up on my skin at the memory of coming home to Jett unconscious on the couch. I really thought he had been dead. He didn't know how to reply to this and changed the subject.

"I still love you, you know. I think about you a lot, what we could have been. Do you ever think of me?"

"Only in my nightmares."

Jett was still stroking my arm. "Well, I think about you. At night, in the shower, when I'm with other girls. No one is good enough for me. You have to think about me. I know damn well you're not thinking about Kendick. He's such a fucking loser, he couldn't keep his mouth shut and lost out on the best sex he's ever gonna get."

"Don't touch me and don't talk about Kendall." My defensive tone surprised both of us. "He's not a loser and at least he apologized and owned up to what he did."

"And what did I do?" He challenged and folded his arms. "Kendall was a moron. All I did was have sex with my girlfriend."

"You know what you did. You drugged me and forced yourself on me when I begged you to stop." My fists were clenched and I glared at him. He was garbage and needed to know just how sick he was. "And when he thought I was pregnant, he didn't bash my head into a wall. When I tried to kill myself, he felt bad. He's a thousand times better than you are."

His jaw was so tight that I could see the muscles tense up. " _No one_ is better than me. I'm Jett fucking Stetson. You're just pissed everyone was reminded how easy you are. Like I said before, you're disposable. I make you interesting. I make you worth something."

That last bit took me right back to the rough days of our relationship. He had filled my head with nonsense like he was the only person who would ever love me. He had made me feel needy and dependant on him. I gave him a hard shove and he stumbled.

"That's not true. You're just a sad addict who has no self-esteem."

"Now that's not what you really think." Jett's grin was genuine and smug. "You said it yourself baby, I'm a masterpiece."

It didn't surprise me that was the lyric he remembered. "Whatever. Go fuck yourself."

His footsteps were loud as he caught up to me. He had a grip on my arm. "Was I really that awful to you?"

I laughed at this. Maybe he really had damaged his brain between the drugs and car accident. "You raped me and filmed it for the world to see. You gave me not one, but _two_ concussions and cheated on me. Yes, you are that awful." I pushed him again. "Don't touch me, I'm leaving."

The shove he gave me was hard and it made me cry out in surprise. Not only did coke make him confident, but it also made his already quick temper even shorter.

"Don't be a bitch. We were good together. When are you going to see that I'm the guy for you?"

"You're not the guy for me. Not in this universe or any other."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Oh, so Kendall can fuck you as a bet and you'll go back to him and your tour? But when I make one tiny mistake you want to go to the police and never speak to me again?"

His arrogance knew no bounds and it made me physically ill. "Leave him out of this. You meddled enough in that and it's not your business."

"So, you'll fuck Kendall but not me?" His hand found my waist. "People said you fucked after you came back to the tour. In Michigan or wherever he's from. Why don't I get a second chance?"

I decided not to focus on the fact that he kept up on my every move and the gossip surrounding me.

"Because I don't hate him, because I actually want to be with hi-" I stopped myself and pried his hand off of me. "We're not talking about this."

"Why would you want to be with _him_? Have you ever really looked at his face, it's fucking weird. Why date him, someone who only pretends to be nice, when you could date me? You know me, you've seen it all."

Jett's logic was so flawed that I could barely form a sentence. "You _raped_ me. You held me down and forced me to have sex with you."

He was fiddling with his drugs and raised a shoulder in a half shrug. "You say rape, I say we were both fucked up."

"Because you put drugs in my drink!" My voice was shrill. "You know what? Fuck this. I'm not going to argue with you. Enjoy your blow, try not to have a heart attack."

Arguing with Jett always made me feel like I was crazy. Gaslighting was one of his favorite pastimes next to doing drugs and staring in the mirror. There was no point to continue this conversation and I was going to remove myself from it.

"Eleanor." He said from behind me. "I'm sorry about that night. Filming it was fucking dumb. I was young and stupid and high. And about the aftermath, when I came to your place to ask if you were pregnant, I was stupid."

This was the most he had ever taken the blame for anything in our two and a half year relationship. "Really?"

"Yeah, it was good sex. It's a shame you don't remember and that you didn't enjoy it. I don't think you even got off." He scratched his face then gestured to my stomach. "And I guess hitting your head like that was bad. But I know damn well you didn't want a brat and neither did I. You're a fucking foster home reject and I value my beauty sleep too much."

Why the fuck did I think he was going to actually say sorry? This was classic Jett, he'd apologize but make snide and backhanded comments. Of course, I didn't get off when he assaulted me. His dig about me being a foster home reject stirred up memories of one of our worst fights and I flinched instinctively. He was still talking, he was running on charm and cocaine. His grin was the one I had fallen for at 17.

"You've worked hard to come back from everything. I honestly am surprised that you didn't kill yourself after Kendick. It's really good to see you again, baby." He took a few steps towards me. "You know what would look really good?"

"What?"

"If we got back together. The media would eat that shit up. You getting back with your first love after Kendall broke your heart. You'd get good press for once and I'd look like the hero. I booked a role for this movie in France and I'm sure you're gonna tour overseas soon." Jett placed his hands on my hips. "We can brand it as a Jelle European Takeover. I still think we could take over the industry. Young fucking gods, right? We used to say that, remember? We're gonna be legends."

The thought of getting back with Jett made my skin crawl. If I was going to be with anyone, which I wasn't, it would be Kendall. But I had to hand it to him, he really did have the brain for spinning anything into good press. His plan was something Liz and Dani would have come up with if Jett wasn't a walking cesspool of a human. It was a shame really. He could probably do great things if he wasn't so busy being awful.

"That's ridiculous." His hands roamed my sides. "Get off me."

"Fine, no takeover. But that doesn't mean we couldn't get to know each other again. I've missed this body, you've let it go a little but that's what personal trainers are for."

His hands were rough and hot on my skin and my heart pounded in my chest. "Jett, stop it."

"I miss you every day. I still love you." His lips brushed against my ear. "I could make you my trophy wife like we talked about."

There had been a time in my life when hearing Jett say that he wanted to marry me could have made me look past everything. There had been a point when we had a plan to be _the_ power couple in Hollywood. We were going to be young gods, ruling everything and accepting only the best. But that dream had died a long time ago. I was shaking like a leaf and wanted him to stop touching me.

"I don't want t-that."

The fact that he wasn't too cut up about this told me he hadn't been serious, He rebounded and his offer was casual. "Doesn't mean we can't fuck."

"That's exactly what it means. You never get to touch me like that again." My voice was low and rough. "Stop now and I won't have my security kick your ass."

"But I miss you." His hands cupped my ass. "I miss this." He groped my breasts and chuckled. "I miss these."

All my self-defense training was gone and I was frozen where I stood. My eyes burned with tears and panic bloomed in my stomach. He wouldn't stop touching me and I could feel his breath on my face. I wanted someone to round the corner and save me from this.

"I miss this mouth of yours." His thumb brushed over my lips and he leaned in. "I know you miss me."

Jett kissed my neck and I tried to pull away. His hold was too tight and I felt like I was going to throw up when he kissed me on the mouth. His lips were hard and rough as they moved against mine. I managed to break away and he realized I was crying. He snorted and touched my cheek and wiped my tears. Had it been anyone else, the gesture would have been sweet, but it made my skin crawl.

"I know you want me." He grabbed my ass again. "You're so pretty Eleanor. So, so, pretty. I should have been nicer to you. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Get off of me," I demanded.

He took a look at my face and huffed out a laugh. "Crying? Really? I just want to be with you."

His fingers undid the button of my jeans and I felt the color drain from my face. "No!"

"You're so much prettier when you smile. You're even hotter when you're getting fucked." He was whispering in my ear. "Did Kendall fuck you better than I did? Was he bigger than me? Let me show you how much better I am. Let me take you into the bathroom. I can fuck you better than Kendall. I won't even film it this time."

Jett's nails dug into my skin and I swayed. It felt like I was going to collapse, I had to get out of here. "Stop! Get off of me!"

My voice echoed off the walls and Jett didn't seem too bothered. He was beyond high and was determined. He pulled down the strap of the tank top I wore and kissed my shoulder and neck. I hated the way Kendall's name came out of his mouth and I hated how he touched me.

"You wore this to tease me, didn't you? I always said you look sexy in red." He kissed me and his tongue found it's way into my mouth and I clawed at his arms. "I want you to remember this time."

He said this as if the last time wasn't already burned into my brain. He started guiding me to the bathroom and I knew that I absolutely couldn't go in there. I thrashed my arms and attempted to escape his hold. I dragged my feet against the concrete floor and shouted at the top of my voice. My phone buzzed in my back pocket but there was no way I could get to it.

"Help! I need help!"

Jett groaned. "Not this again. You're so fucking loud."

"Fuck you. Don't touch me!" I spit on him and shoved him. "I hate you."

He wiped at his face and glared down at me. He was nearly a foot taller and towered over me. His pupils were still wide and I could see a bit of dried blood and cocaine under his nose. He was high and angry and I knew he wouldn't take no for answer. I fought back even harder now but he overpowered me.

"You're such a bitch."

His hand was heavy as it landed across my face. The slap sent me tumbling to the ground I frantically scooted back on my hands and knees. I clutched my face as it began to sting. My legs were shaking as I stood up. Jett's hand was raised, ready to strike again. There was hunger in his eyes and I knew I had to save myself. I gave a swift, hard knee to the crotch and he crumpled over. My face burned and my vision was blurred with tears. The sound of hurried footsteps caused relief to wash over me. Someone knew I was here.

"Elle, come on. Lighten up." He groaned and looked up from where he held himself. "I was kidding."

I stayed tense ready to strike again. "Some fucking joke. You're disgusting."

"At least I didn't get fucked as a bet. I told you he thought you were trash." He hissed in pain again. "Jesus, did you really have to hit me?"

"It's called self-defense. You only have yourself to thank for that." I thought of the classes I took during my two-year break. "Go fuck yourself, Jett."

"What the fuck?" The voice behind me made me sob all over again. "Elle?"

Kendall looked from me to Jett and was confused for a second, unsure of what to make of the scene before him. When he realized my jeans were unbuttoned and saw the tears in my eyes, his face hardened. It took no time for him to jump between us and land a blow to his face.

"Keep your hands off of her!" He gave Jett a hard push and backed him against the wall. "What the fuck did you do to her?"

If Jett was scared, he didn't let it show. "Stay out of this, Kendick."

I jumped at the feeling of someone's hand on my back. I turned to see Logan, Carlos, and James standing behind me. They led me away from Kendall and Jett. My brave exterior shattered and I fell to pieces in their arms. My thoughts were on a loop.

I was safe. I was safe. I was safe.

"You're okay." Carlos kept his arm around me. "It's okay."

The sound of grunting made me turn my head. Kendall's fist collided with Jett's face over and over again. He was bleeding from his mouth and nose. He punched Kendall square in the face. They struggled for a bit. Kendall was stunned by the hit but gained the upper hand and held Jett to the wall, his nails digging into his throat. His green eyes were full of fury and his teeth were clenched.

"You're fucking sick."

"I'm not the one who fucked her as a bet," Jett smirked as blood dripped from his mouth and nose. "That was you."

Kendall hit him again and his words were full of venom. "You're the rapist."

Jett's smug face faltered and he looked over at me. He had never been confronted about his actions by someone other than me. "She was drunk. You know how she is. She's a fucking slut."

I cringed at this and watched as Kendall blocked his view of me. "Don't look at her. It doesn't matter if she was drunk, that doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want."

His face was bleeding and would probably bruise shortly. But he didn't seem to feel any pain because he pushed past Kendall like it was nothing. His eyes raked over me and he sneered.

"You're so fucking dramatic. You're such a little bitch just like he is." He bared his teeth and his eyes burned holes into me. It was objectifying and his eyes lingered over my breasts. "What a fucking whore."

I couldn't form words but it didn't matter because James spoke first. "You don't get to talk to her like that."

"If anyone's a bitch it's you," Logan said as he forced him past me. "Get the fuck out of here."

Jett leaned over and scooped his bag of drugs off the floor before stomping down the hallway. Kendall started to go after him but I held out my hands. The last thing I wanted was to cause a big scene a few hours before the award show. And I didn't want him to leave me.

"No." My voice was hoarse and I rubbed my eyes. "N-no."

Unlike Jett, the sight of my tears made his anger fade. He was careful as he stepped towards me. He was gentle as he wiped the tears from eyes. This time the gesture was sweet. His warm hand soothed where I had been hit. "Len."

"P-please stay. Please don't go." I turned to the guys. "Can you find Liz? Talk her down before she sees me."

They left without a word but Carlos squeezed my shoulder before following. It was just Kendall and me in the hallway and I launched myself into his arms. We may not have been together but he was the only person I wanted to touch me right now. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and I clung to him for dear life.

"It's okay. You're safe, Elle." He whispered into my hair. "I've got you now."

He led us to my dressing room, which was one hallway over from where I had been. I emptied the contents of my stomach into the trash can and couldn't sit still. Kendall sat on my couch and frowned at me.

"Elle, sit down. Did he hurt you? Should we call the police?" He was worried and angry all at once. "Your face is red, did he do that to your face?"

I looked over at Kendall who's lip was split. There was a cut on his eyebrow and his knuckles were bruised. I laughed without humor and shook my head. Now that I was safe, I was shaking with rage. I had become a victim once again. But I wasn't going to run away or let Jett get his way.

"You're the one bleeding. And no, we're not calling anyone."

He looked in the mirror and winced at the blood. "He attacked you. He hit you! Your pants, he could have-"

Kendall couldn't finish his thought and shuddered. "But he didn't. I got myself out of it, you missed me kneeing him in the dick. And if we call the police, he'll get publicity and he'll spin it into something that makes him look good. Liz and my lawyer will handle it. Quietly."

"We don't have to talk about that. You shouldn't have to worry about that." He crossed the room and took my hand. "It's not your fault. Are you okay?"

"I know it's not. I got fucking lost and he followed me into the hallway." I sniffed a little and my hands shook. "I t-thought he was going to take me into that bathroom. But he lost control and I just went for it. I owe Liz a thank you for those classes. Did you hear me yelling?"

"Not at first. But the producer was looking for Jett and it made me nervous. You said you were going to your dressing room. I was scared he had seen your name on the door." Kendall swallowed the lump in his throat. "I was scared he was going to hurt you so I wanted to see if you were okay."

For once in his life, Kendall's need to involve himself in things that weren't his business proved useful.

"And then I heard you shouting and it felt like I was going to puke. When I saw him and your face, I just..." He was angry and had to steel himself. "No one is ever going to touch you like that. I swear to god, I would have done more than punch him if you weren't standing there."

"You didn't have to do that." His protective nature was calming for once and I reached over and touched his arm. "I'm okay. Thank you."

"I'd do anything for you. You know that." He gave a smile but winced and touched his lip. "Shit."

I wet a paper towel and sat down in front of him and dabbed at his lip. "I'm sorry he punched you."

"I've had worse in hockey. I'd take something ten times worse than this if it meant keeping you safe."

"Even if we're not dating?" I asked softly as I cleaned his face. "You don't owe me anything."

He shook his head. "I owe you everything and I'll never let anyone put their hands on you like that. I promise, even if we're not together. I'm never going to let you get hurt."

My smile was tight and my nerves finally began to settle. "Thank you."

We were both quiet and I tried to savor it. We didn't have long left together and I was glad we weren't arguing for once. I was grateful he had been there to save me from Jett. He rubbed my arm and I could feel my nerves settling. I was safe with him. Today turned out to be more than I had planned. It wasn't even time for the award show and I was exhausted.

"So, did you really kick Jett in the balls?" He asked after a few minutes had passed.

We both laughed, the tension from a few minutes ago vanished. "I did."

He looked proud and nodded to himself. "That's my girl."

I didn't say anything, I just went back to cleaning the blood from his face. This summer proved to drag on longer and longer. And I was so tired, I was ready for this to all be done with. I knew Liz would be storming in here any minute, guns blazing. This quiet moment would be over. But right now it was just us. It was me and it was Kendall. And for once, that was okay.

There were only five hours and twenty-nine minutes to go.

* * *

AN: So, this chapter went a little off track from the main story but I wanted to come full circle. At the start of summer, Elle had been alone, haunted by the Jett Incident. She was a victim and no one was really on her side. I wanted to show that not only is she capable of saving herself but that she has people on her team no matter what. And who wouldn't want to see Jett kicked in the balls?

Also, this chapter is kind of a backdoor introduction to the fic I'm writing. It's about Elle and Jett's relationship prior to the Incident. They have a long history that's been hinted at. This chapter alone Elle mentioned an overdose, a car accident, and two concussions she got because of Jett. Jett also mentioned that he wanted to marry her and implied they had big dreams and plans together at one point. This fic will probably be posted in January or February if all goes well.

I've been hinting at James' interest in Sydney West over the course of the past few chapters. Who is this actress? Why won't she date famous people? I also showed a bit of James' family life from his mom's taste for fancy things and his dad's relationship with a younger woman. I've never written a James centric fic and would like to.

Since these would all be in the same universe as Anything Can Happen, I thought I'd gauge your interest.

The next chapter is the Tween Choice Awards! Summer is almost over but it's clear that Kendelle still have intense feelings for each other. How will the duet go? Will Kendall try one last time to fix things? Should they even get back together after everything that's gone down?

Anything can happen!

Let me know what your favorite part and what you think Kendall and Elle will do. I plan to update in two weeks or so.

Thank you.


	39. Chapter 39

AN: Welcome back. This chapter follows Elle and Big Time Rush at the Tween Choice Awards. Summer is nearly over but there's still plenty of time for drama. I'm really proud of this chapter and I hope you enjoy it. This is the final chapter before the epilogue. So please let me know what your favorite part was.

I _highly_ recommend you check out Parallel by Heffron Drive, preferably the unplugged version. 10/10 would listen to it towards the end.

Enjoy!

* * *

The energy in the back of the limo was tense as the traffic crawled by. It was the evening of the Tween Choice Awards and I was on my way to the red carpet. Limos and luxury SUVs paraded down the street to drop off celebrities at the theatre. If today had gone differently, I would have been worried about being late. But I was grateful for the refuge from the cameras.

"Are you okay?" Liz asked from where she sat across from me. "We can always skip the carpet."

"And waste the two and a half hours it took to get ready?" I gestured to the makeup on my face and the dress I wore. "Hell, no."

My manager rubbed her forehead and let out a breath. "Your security is doubled and knows to make sure he's kept away from you. Are you sure you don't want to call the police? I shouldn't have left you, I knew your room was far away. I-"

I reached over and placed a hand on Liz's arm. She had been furious when she stormed into my dressing room. She had taken one look at the red mark on my cheek from Jett's slap and completely exploded. It was out of character for her, even during the Kendall Incident she had been relatively calm. She wanted to call the police and file a report. It took both me and Kendall to calm her down. She had come around to the idea of going after him legally and she already spoke to my lawyer. I could see she still felt guilty though. She was like the mother I didn't have, always worried about my well-being.

"It's okay. It wasn't your fault, don't blame yourself for this." I tried to keep my tone bright. "If anything, those self-defense classes you stuck me in really helped."

This seemed to assuage her guilt and she shrugged. "I guess they did. I'm just sorry I missed seeing you kick him."

The tension eased as we both laughed. Liz insisted on putting me in self-defense classes after the Jett Incident. At first, it was just a way to feel in control of my body. But those classes had literally saved me from being assaulted again.

"How are you feeling? How's your face?"

"It's fine. It wasn't that bad, really."

My fingers brushed over my cheek and I decided not to tell her that it hurt. It had been a backhanded hit across the face and his ring left a small bruise. The makeup artist had worked hard to cover it up. It was surreal, getting ready to face the public so soon after being cornered like that. The thing about this job was that I was a performer even when I wasn't on stage. I didn't have any other choice. I stared out the window and saw the theatre was coming up. But there were about ten cars between us and the entrance so I knew we had some time. The sky was bright blue and palm trees swayed in the breeze. Liz sat on the other side of the car typing away on her phone. It was the end of August and all I could think about was how much things had changed in the past few months.

The last time Liz and I were stuck in LA traffic was when we were on our way to Rocque Records. I had signed the contracts to tour with Big Time Rush weeks before, but that day in May was when I met the band and we announced it. I had been upset that I had to essentially start over and tour with a boyband. Looking back, I realized I had just been scared that my comeback wouldn't go well. The guys turned out to be my best friends and I helped steer their image into a new, mature direction.

It seemed like yesterday I had walked down that red and white hallway. I didn't know the guys beyond seeing them at award shows like this one. And Kendall was just Jo's annoying boyfriend who sometimes checked me out when she wasn't looking. He had been upset about touring with me, he had been rude. That changed too. Instead of glares and insults, Kendall now looked at me with hearts in his eyes and never failed to remind me how he felt. He had started out making a bet with Jett and today he had thrown himself between us. He had taken a hit to the face and saved me from the same person he had plotted against me with.

All this change made my head spin and I let out a breath.

"What's wrong?"

I shook my head and cleared my throat. "Nothing. It's just that so much has changed."

"For the better?"

Above the theatre, the digital billboard showed my face and proclaimed that I was nominated for three awards. Even though my face ached, I knew this would be the last night I saw Kendall, so I nodded.

"For the most part."

* * *

The red carpet had a small drop off area for final touch-ups and preparations. This was where I was meeting the guys so we could walk together. I stepped out of the car and smoothed my dress and fluffed my hair. The guys were gathered off to the side and their stylist was giving them a once over. Logan was in a blazer with a casual tee-shirt underneath. James went for a dress shirt that made his arms look huge with the top few buttons undone. Carlos was in a cool jacket and his camera was out filming everything. Kendall was in a button-down shirt and blazer. His hair was styled for once and he looked good even with a small split lip. I noticed them before they spotted me. So when Kendall saw me, his reaction was genuine.

His eyes brightened and a fond smile bloomed across his face. I could see the affection in his eyes from here and it made my throat tighten. It was the kind of look a girl wanted to see when she walked down the aisle. He looked at me like I was the only person in the world.

We all hugged and exchanged hellos. This really was it. This was our last event as a group and I think we all sensed this. They asked me if I was alright after the afternoon's events. I agreed and changed the subject. I didn't want to get rattled before the show.

"You guys clean up well." I nodded to their outfits. "And to think, I could have slept in instead of getting a makeover."

Logan shook his head. "I'm wearing entirely too much makeup for someone who never wears any."

"They powdered our noses." Carlos commiserated. "Apparently we can't be shiny."

James laughed at this, his teeth were still dazzlingly white. "I told you."

"So you did."

Carlos and Logan were demanding to know what we were talking about as Kelly ushered us to the carpet. Kendall and I hung back for an unexpected moment alone and we both let out a breath.

"Elle, you look beautiful. You always do but... wow."

My cheeks were warm and I ducked my head. "Thank you. You look good too. How's your face?"

He touched his lip and shrugged. "I'm fine. I'd do it again if I had to."

"My security is doubled. So don't worry, no more fistfights." I joked awkwardly and played with my fingers. "You didn't have to do that. I'm sorry that he hurt you. I shouldn't have-"

"Hey, it's okay." Kendall took hold of my hands in his. "You're okay."

I looked over to the red carpet. The guys were waiting to walk on and I shifted. "We should go."

Kendall blocked my path. "Wait. I, uh, just wanted to say that getting to know you and be with you this summer was the best experience of my life."

There was a pit in my stomach. "Kendall..."

"This show is the last time we'll probably see each other. So, I just wanted to apologize in person one last time. I'm sorry for everything I did and everything I said. I will regret it and regret losing you for the rest of my life." His face twisted into a frown and his eyes were misty. "I love you, I always will. I'll make this up to you. I just had to get that off my chest."

I hated goodbyes and I blinked hard to keep myself from getting emotional. "I'll miss you too."

His lips brushed over my cheek and then he forced a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Let's get this over with."

The moment we stepped onto the carpet there was a burst of shouting and camera flashes. It was always disorienting at first. The press was behind a rope, shouting at us to look their way and pose. Fans were behind them cheering and waving. Having a hundred different people shouting your name and different directions was always an intense experience.

"Elle! Over here! Who are you wearing?"

"Logan, are you dating anyone right now?"

"Is Big Time Rush breaking up?"

We posed for the cameras in group shots and alone. The band took a group photo and I did a few solo shots. The carpet was jam-packed full of celebrities and I waved to Lucy as she passed by. Liz and Kelly were hovering nearby to move us down the line.

"The first interview is Lily from Hollywood Haze," Liz said under her breath as I approached my first interview.

I grinned at the woman and held out my hand. "Lily, how are you?"

"I'm great. Welcome back to the Tween Choice Awards. How are you feeling?"

I leaned into the microphone and raised my voice so I could be heard over the background noise. "I'm excited to be back on the purple carpet that's for sure."

"Who are you wearing tonight?"

I struck a pose and gave a laugh. "This little beauty is from Prada. It's nice to dress up every now and again."

Lily asked about my thoughts on the different nominees and what award I would be presenting. The interview was pretty straight forward but soon I was led to the next one. The guys were already there making jokes with the host.

"Well, look who it is! For those watching at home, we've just been graced by the one and only Elle Harper."

"I hope you guys don't mind if I crash." I joked as I waved to my friends. "What are we talking about?"

Carlos greeted me with a hug. "Dylan wants to know if we're doing a European tour."

This hadn't been set in stone. I knew I would be going to Europe but I wasn't sure if I would be going with Big Time Rush. I kept my answer coy.

"Who knows? I could be down if these guys are."

The next person to interview us caught us all off guard.

"Kendall, what happened there?" She gestured to his lip and eyebrow. "You look a little banged up."

The two of us shared a nervous look and he stammered for a moment. "We threw a little end of tour party last night and I got a little too rowdy. We played a little hotel hockey."

I sighed a breath of relief. I didn't want anyone knowing what happened between Jett, Kendall and myself today. The reporter bought his lie and then turned to Carlos to ask who designed his jacket. My secret was safe.

Red carpets were always exciting but were a bit routine. Interviews needed to be fast and the questions were mostly the same. Being with the guys made it fun though, it was nice to have someone to banter with.

"So, who do you think will win more awards. BTR or Elle Harper?"

The five of us all faked competitive glares and James patted my shoulder. "Sorry, Elle. I think we're going to have you beat. I'm up for Best Hair."

I groaned and placed a hand over my heart. "That hurts, Diamond."

"But seriously, this girl is going to blow everyone out of the water." James reached down and squeezed my hand. "She's incredible."

The interviewer was from a smaller website and clearly looking for a scoop. "What's with the hand-holding? Is there a new version of Jelle?"

My stomach twisted into a knot. Jelle had been my ship name with Jett. James sensed my discomfort and shook his head.

"Just friends. Although that could be a good name for a line of James Diamond approved hair products." He let go of me to stroke his chin. "Jelle, the diamond standard of hair care."

Kelly and Liz pushed us on after that. We didn't need any more dating rumors popping up. We talked about our albums, the tour, and our performances tonight. I talked about how I was excited to sing _Colors_ and how the guys were singing _Just Getting Started_ and a medley of their most popular songs. I was grateful the duet hadn't come up. But that didn't stop me from being asked about Kendall. The questions popped up in one interview after the next.

"So, we all saw you guys in Minnesota. Are you back together?" One woman asked.

"Nope, that was just quality time between friends," I answered through gritted teeth.

Kendall's shoulders drooped and I could see a look of sadness flash over his features. I played with the rings on my fingers and cleared my throat. I hated seeing him look like that.

A man shoved a microphone into Kendall's face. "Kendall, did you really want to kill yourself when Elle left?"

"I felt guilty for the mistake I made. But I'm glad we're both okay." His voice had been trembling when he answered. "I'm sorry every day for what I did."

I felt Kendall's eyes on me the whole time we had been posing for pictures and answering questions. I hated to admit it but he looked good, really good. It was a nice change of pace after seeing him scruffy for the second half of the tour. Some of the interviews were fun and we played small games. Still, I was relieved when we neared the end. We had been out here for the better part of 45 minutes and my heels were pinching my feet. I smiled wide for the press and waved to fans. I managed to sneak away to sign a few autographs which made this all worth it. Carlos and Logan said something funny and we all laughed for the cameras. But the smile slid off my face when I heard the paparazzi yelling at the people who were coming up behind us.

"Jett! Megan! Jo! Over here!"

"Emma, Blake! This way!"

Big Time Rush and I all turned our heads at the same moment. Jo and Jett were coming down the path with their co-stars. Jo was obviously the odd one out. Her co-star Megan was hand in hand with her musician girlfriend. Two of the other stars were a couple in real-life and Jett had an impossibly thin actress on his arm. Then there was Jo who was the seventh wheel. I didn't even know that was possible. They all posed for the cameras with sultry expressions.

Under all the bright lights I could see the hint of a black eye under the makeup Jett wore. His lip was visibly swollen and I could tell he was high. His pupils were blown like they had been earlier and he seemed dazed. His smile was smug and easy.

"Jett, who are you wearing?"

He was in a nice black suit and an expensive Rolex hung from his wrist. "Armani, of course."

"Who's your date?"

He and the actress shared an overly flirty laugh and she draped herself over him. Jett tucked her hair behind her ear before turning back to the cameras.

"This beautiful lady is Caterina Rossi. She's in my newest film _New Town High: When in Rome_." He gave her a lovesick gaze. "Isn't she great?"

The press shouted more questions and Caterina tossed her hair and spoke with an accent. "It's my first American film. I'm just so happy to have been in this movie with Jett."

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this was a fake relationship. Hollywood was full of them, Jett had almost 'dated' Jo to promote the show back in the day. It didn't surprise me that Jett would be dating his co-star before their new movie came out. It would create buzz and establish Caterina in the US. I just hoped for her sake that things ended when the cameras weren't around.

The cast worked their way down the carpet and it was Jo who saw me first.

"Oh, fuck," I muttered to myself as I hit Kendall on the arm. "Lookout."

Jo was coming towards us, all fake smiles and spray tans. She looked from me to Kendall and then to Jett. She modeled for the cameras but spoke with a clenched jaw.

"Why am I not surprised that Kendall has a split lip and Jett has a black eye?" She said in lieu of a greeting. "You always cause drama."

"And why am I not surprised you're involving yourself in something that's none of your business?" I shot back. "Nice spray tan, I didn't know orange skin was the latest trend."

She rolled her eyes at this. "You might have missed it because you were too busy sleeping with people in relationships like the fucking slut you are."

"The last time I checked, he said you two were broken up. Not that I blame him. All you do is make shitty teen movies and act like the world revolves around you."

"You're such a bitch." Jo narrowed her eyes. "At least I didn't get fucked as a bet."

Logan stepped between us and whispered. "The cameras, guys."

"I'm sure Elle doesn't mind. She's used to all her dirty laundry being on camera. Maybe you all can take turns fucking her and post it online."

"Jealousy isn't pretty on you." I hissed at her. "But then again, nothing is. Go be boring somewhere else."

Her face was pinched. "You and Kendall deserve each other. You're both hateful people."

"And you're just sad that you're a lonely tag along. Bye."

She looked like she wanted to say more but just swallowed hard and moved onto an interview. I had been wearing a fake smile during that exchange with Jo but it melted off my face completely when Jett locked eyes on me. He left Caterina to show off for the press.

"Eleanor, don't you look gorgeous." He nodded to my tight dress. "I prefer you in red but orange will do."

"Elle, Jett! Smile for us!" The paparazzi were ravenous. "Are you two back together?"

Jett's arm looped around my waist and he forced me to take a photo. There was no smile on my face but he didn't seem to care.

"Your little bet making boyfriend did a fucking number on my face." He said into my ear. "I think you owe me an apology."

"You think so, huh?"

I could smell the alcohol on his breath. "I think that mouth of yours could do the job."

My security was coming down the carpet and I was hoping to avoid a scene. "Go fuck yourself. Leave me alone."

"Don't be rude. If you're worried about my date, don't be. It's one of those contract things."

"I think she said to leave her alone."

We both turned and the guys were trying to keep up appearances for the public but they all looked pissed. Kendall worked his way between us, pretending to hug Jett for the sake of the cameras. Logan pretended to need my help with his hair and pulled me away. Liz and my security both relaxed at the sight of this. Over the screaming cameramen and fans, I could hear Kendall's low voice.

"You're going to need more than makeup to fix what I'll do to you if you don't leave."

Jett didn't seem too worried and played to the cameras. "Sure, whatever, Kendork.

Kendall's eyes were small slits. "I know the truth about the fucking tape."

Just like that, Jett's too white, Hollywood smile turned to a look of horror. His face paled and his eyes widened. Normally, he'd put on a charming smile and cover his ass but he was clearly panicked.

"That's right." Kendall continued. "If you _ever_ come near her, I will actually fucking kill you."

It didn't take long for Jett to grab Caterina's arm and pull her inside the venue. This night couldn't be over soon enough.

* * *

After the drama of the red carpet, I was happy to sit in my seat in the dark theatre. It was just me and Liz because BTR was kicking off the ceremony. The lights went out and the stage lit up. The whole room burst into cheers as Big Time Rush came up through the floor. The music was pulsing and they did a choreographed danced. They were performing _Just Getting Started_ and it made me proud to see them opening a big award show like this.

"You can count it down. You can count me in."

The song took me back to a few months ago. We had been in San Francisco at a radio station the morning after the first show. We were booked to do a few songs on air. This song had been their first single and the line that James and Logan sang was the inspiration for the name of the tour. Kendall and I had been at each other's throats all morning.

In hindsight though, there had always been something between the two of us. It was that same day that I had inspired part of a song he wrote about me. I told him he had a one-track mind and a few weeks later he had sung the same words on stage. That had also been the night we had been the last ones awake on the tour bus. I had been sitting in the front, writing _Colors_ of all songs, when he came out. That was the first night I had seen his tattoos. It had taken me by surprise that someone, who was so concerned about maintaining a good image, was covered in ink. I shifted in my chair and tried not to think about how I had traced my fingers over the sugar skull countless times. I could still remember the way his body had pressed into mine when a sharp turn had sent us tumbling into each other. He had pinned me between himself and the counter. His eyes had lingered on my mouth for a moment too long. It was wild to think about how much things had changed between now and then.

I sunk deeper into my seat.

The show continued on and Logan and James had joined me in the audience. We watched the first round of awards and Kendall and Carlos presented an award for Favorite Gamer. A few minutes later I found myself on stage at the podium. I opened the thick envelope and leaned into the microphone.

"And the Tween Choice Award for Favorite Social Media Star goes to Rose Collins!"

The star bounded up the stairs and accepted her award with a large smile. I walked off stage so she could give her speech and was escorted to my dressing room by _two_ security guards so I could prepare to sing _Colors_. I changed into a different outfit, my second one out of three. The stylist touched up my hair and makeup before I was taken back to the stage. Award shows moved quickly, there wasn't time to waste on live television. Liz was waiting for me as I was attached to my microphone.

"Are you alright?" She gave me a once over. "This song's about him."

I shrugged. Singing it with him in the audience wasn't going to be pleasant but there was nothing to be done. "I'll survive. Besides, this song is about me too."

This assuaged her a bit and she squeezed my hand. "That's my girl."

I took my spot on the dark stage and once I was announced the music started. The lights flashed various shades of blue and gray smoke rolled across the floor.

"Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so. You said your mother only smiled on her TV show."

The audience was already on their feet, almost everyone was excited. Jett wasn't, I could see him in his seat in the second row. He was slumped down with his arms folded. He glared daggers at me. I wondered if we were both thinking about the day I met his mother and brother.

"You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope." I sang this line directly at him. "I hope you make to the day you're 28 years old."

He flinched at this. He always joked he'd be a member of the 27 Club. He'd get high in our old penthouse and tell me he was going to join all the greats. It would be Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and Jett Stetson. He did drugs to make himself feel good. He didn't care who it impacted around him. Jett finally looked away with a scowl as I moved into the chorus.

"Tween Choice, let me hear you!"

The crowd sang along and I gave the camera a few playful smiles. I kept looking back to where Jett was. He and Jo were both avoiding my eye. This song hadn't been a single but fans had really resonated with it. I thought of the girl who had tattooed the lyrics onto her skin. She had made a song about a shitty person inspiring. And so could I. I danced back over to the side of the stage and saw Jett watching with a clenched jaw. He was ignoring his date who hung all over him.

"You're ripped at every edge but _I'm_ a masterpiece."

He had focused on that lyric earlier today. The fact that I called him a masterpiece stroked his ego. He didn't deserve that because he wasn't a masterpiece. I was. Even after all his bullshit and Kendall's, I still had come out on top. I used to think his manic highs and lows and drug addiction had made him special. I had given into the delusion that we were young gods, better than everyone else. But in all actuality, Jett was nothing more than a sad, sick, human being.

I enjoyed the rest of the performance. I enjoyed being able to share the words I wrote now that I had a new perspective on them. Jett had never been the masterpiece, it had always been me.

"And now he's so devoid of color. He don't know what it means and he's blue. Everything is blue."

Just as quickly as I was taken to the stage, I was taken back to my seat. The guys and Liz congratulated me on my performance and Kendall leaned over in the dim light.

"Proud of you." He whispered in my ear. "Is he in the audience?"

"He's pissed," I answered with a small smirk. "And his makeup is wearing off. I could see his eye from the stage."

Kendall looked pleased with himself and went back to watching the award show. A proud smile stretched across his face.

Dak Zevon took the stage to announce the next category.

"This year has been full of great music from bands. From pop, rock, hip hop and everything in between. A few of these songs have taken the radio by storm."

On-screen, clips of different music videos played. I cheered loudly when _Just Getting Started_ appeared and I crossed my fingers for them.

"And the purple rocket for Best Group Single goes to Big Time Rush."

The guys leaped out of their seats and hugged each other. I high fived them all before they raced up the stairs onto the stage. James took the rocket and held it up in the air. They all had giant grins on their faces and I was beyond proud of them.

"This is really exciting." Logan started off. "Thank you so much."

Carlos spoke next. "We want to thank our producer Gustavo, everyone in the studio who helped create this song."

"And of course we want to thank the fans. You guys are the best fans we could ever ask for." James leaned into the mic. "You're amazing and we love you."

Kendall looked unsure if he should speak and muttered a quick thank you before they were shown offstage. They deserved to win more than anyone. They had worked so hard all summer. When Carlos and Kendall got back to their seats I whispered a quick congratulations.

"You'll be up there soon enough." Carlos teased. "Just wait."

I gave a nervous smile and turned back to watching the show. I really hoped I'd win at least one award. A few awards passed. Best Fashion, Favorite Athlete and so on. Then, James and Logan came out to present the award for Best Actress. James had obviously fixed his hair and he looked mischievous as he opened the envelope.

"And the award for Best Actress goes to..." Logan trailed off and James swooped in.

"Sydney West."

The actress looked excited and almost a bit shy as she accepted the award. She hugged James and Logan as everyone usually did when they went up to speak. James's hug lingered a bit before he walked off the stage. He looked pleased with himself. Once he returned to the audience I shook my head at him.

"What? It's not my fault she won."

"You're such a flirt."

He shrugged and dramatically ran his hand through his hair. "It's not my fault the ladies can't resist the Diamond charm."

The show was running smoothly with different performances and speeches. It was easy to tune out so when Liz tapped my shoulder from where she sat behind me I jumped.

"It's Sleeper Hits."

I held my breath as my song played along with the other potential winners. The actor presenting the award pulled out the slip of paper and my heart was in my throat.

"Elle Harper wins for _Colors_."

I let out a shriek and was quick to my feet. I was engulfed in a group hug and my song played loudly as I walked down the aisle and up the steps. My hands shook as I accepted the rocket.

"Oh my god." I laughed breathlessly. "I don't know what to say and I know everyone says that but it's true. I wrote this song back at the start of summer and never intended for it to be a single." I saw Jett watching with a sour expression. "Uh, this song is about an ex of mine. I don't have any thanks for him though. Just for the fans who believed in me and liked this song so much that it's playing on the radio because of them. I love you guys so much, thank you!"

My speech had been short and was mostly a blur. I was overwhelmed by the fact that I had won an award. A small part of me had wondered if I had any chance after the Kendall Incident. But the fans had believed in me. It was fitting to win an award for a song about Jett after what happened today. It was a bit of cosmic justice and I was beyond thankful for it. I posed for a picture backstage and gave the award to a stagehand. By the time I got back to my seat, the award for Best Tour was being announced. The guys were nominated for this so I kept my fingers crossed.

"The purple rocket goes to... Big Time Rush!"

 _Just Getting Started_ blasted over the speakers and Carlos insisted on dragging me up onto the stage with them. They took their awards and all made small speeches thanking the fans for coming out to support all the shows. It blew my mind that every single show had been sold out. Mostly, I was relieved that my drama hadn't ruined their hard work. I blushed when James turned to me while speaking.

"And of course, we have to thank Elle Harper for coming on the road with us. She made this tour special and deserves this award just as much as we do."

I mouthed a thank you to him and we all hugged before going to take our photo. We watched the next category get presented from backstage. It was for Best TV Boyfriend and Girlfriend, a category that both Jett and Jo were up for. When both of their names were called Kendall and I shared a pained expression. This was the only award Jo had been nominated for so she milked her speech for all it was worth.

"Oh my god! I just want to thank the studio and the cast and of course my fans!" She batted her eyes and for once I agreed with Jett who seemed impatient. "It's an honor to win my first purple rocket. And even though _some_ people failed to see it, I'm a great girlfriend on and off-screen."

She was clearly proud of herself as she walked off and came towards us. The only bright side was that her annoying voice drowned out the sound of Jett's conceited rambling.

"You don't know what you missed out on, Kendall."

He shrugged. "I do and I'm not losing sleep over it."

"She's not even special, what do you see in her?" She questioned him as if I wasn't standing right there.

"For starters, I'm not a whiny soap opera star. And this is my second award of the night compared to your one." I answered for Kendall and nodded to the rocket she was clutching. "You enjoy that. I have five more just like it at home. Let's go."

Jo was left with her mouth open trying to form a comeback. The night grew later and the show would be over in less than an hour. There were more excited victory speeches, more performances, and skits. Purple goop rained down on people and I thanked Liz for negotiating a deal that stated I wouldn't perform if I was gooped. I had been there, done that, and had zero interest in repeating it. I watched as Lucy Stone, Adam Holt, and a trio of actresses known as the Jennifers won. Jett won for Summer Crush and I almost gagged as I watched him kiss his date with tongue. But it would all be over soon. The bigger awards such as Album of the Year, Movie of the Year and so on were at the end of the night to keep people watching. The next award made me dig my fingernails into the armrest.

 _Night Like This_ was nominated for Best Summer Single just like Gustavo and Liz had planned. Four months ago this duet had been dropped on me during the meeting before tour rehearsals. He had paired Kendall and I together because he had been worried about our constant arguing. And he had wanted to avoid any relationship rumors because Kendall had been publicly dating Jo. Obviously, that hadn't gone well. Our only instructions for the duet were that it needed to be "flirty but not too flirty and something you could sing in the car'. And here we were. The song was still at the top of the charts after everything.

Kendall and I both fidgeted as we watched ourselves make out. Everyone had said it seemed like more than acting when the video came out. They were right of course but now it was just awkward.

"And the winner is _Night Like This_ by Elle Harper and Kendall Knight!"

The two of us stared at each other, not knowing what to do. It was me who moved first, I waved him towards me. This was the last award show I'd have to sit through with him. Letting him take some of his deserved credit was the very least I could do.

"Come on."

Kendall was surprised but scrambled out of his seat and followed me to the microphone.

"Elleanators really are the best fans in the world. I wouldn't be up here without them." I started as I looked out into the crowd. "I want to thank Gustavo Rocque and Liz Mendes for encouraging me to write this duet. And I'd like to thank my duet partner for helping me write such a good song."

He scratched the back of his neck and was shy about talking. "I don't deserve any of this award. Elle wrote most of it, she's the most talented songwriter I know. But thanks for listening to it and supporting the song."

I thanked my fans once more and we went backstage. Kendall's hand was on the small of my back when we hugged. His face pressed into my shoulder and he held me tight.

"You remember the night we wrote the song?" He asked me as we walked towards our dressing rooms. "It seems like a lifetime ago."

"It was." As much as I tried not to think about it, I found myself still talking. "It was the first time we smoked together."

"It was." He echoed with a smile. "I was nervous. I didn't want you to think I was an idiot who couldn't write songs."

The irony of this made me laugh. Since that night he had written several songs about me, each one better than the last.

"I like your songs. You know that don't you?" I leaned against my door. "No one had ever written a song about me until you."

He shook his head. "That should be a crime. I've written enough songs about you for an album."

We had to get ready for the duet and I sighed. "Maybe you can play one for me someday."

"Soon." The corners of his mouth quirked up and his eyes brightened for a moment. "I'll see you on stage. I'm just next door, shout if you need me."

I promised I would but groaned once I was behind the closed door. This night seemed to drag on further and further. My thoughts were full of Kendall and this past summer as my team got me ready for the duet. Was this really going to be the last time I saw Kendall? The thought of that cut me to pieces but it was probably for the best. Right? The uncertainty made my head hurt. On the bright side, this was my last costume change and the last time I'd be performing for a while. Even if singing with Kendall wasn't ideal, I was going to try and enjoy this. From the TV in my room, I watched as James strutted to the podium to accept the win for Best Hair. The camera panned to Jett who was sulking.

Maybe this night wasn't _so_ bad.

* * *

The stage was dark as I took my spot. It wasn't often I got stage fright, but the knots in my stomach were hard to ignore. This was the first time I'd be singing with Kendall in a long time. What if the chemistry wasn't there or if it was awkward? I was starting to regret not actually rehearsing with him this morning. But it was too late now and I could hear my name being announced.

"And here to sing their award-winning hit _Night Like This,_ Elle Harper and Kendall Knight!"

The first few chords started and the audience lost their shit, for a lack of better term. The fact that Kendall and I were singing had been under wraps, we didn't want to advertise it in case I changed my mind or we had a fight. It wasn't lost on anyone that this the first time we had sung together since New York. My voice shook as I sang the first verse. It was nearly drowned out by the reaction the audience had when Kendall came out.

"Met you when my heart was somewhere else, outside in the rain." He strolled out onto the stage and he seemed nervous "I saw you smiling, the stories you could tell. Have you moved on?"

For the first time, this lyric floored me. It was _too_ accurate about what happened between us. When Kendall and I first met, he had been so invested in Jo and his relationship with her. The first time we had ever really gotten to know each other without arguing was when we huddled together in the back of Rocque Records for a smoke break. And now, he was asking me if after everything that had happened between us, had I really moved on?

We sang about needing a cab and sharing a ride. The conversation flowed easily just like it had the night we wrote it. By the time we got to the chorus, we had both loosened up a bit. His smile was easy and I clapped to the beat of the song.

"Oh, whoa, oh. Anything can happen on a night like this."

Kendall wasn't paying attention to the audience, he stared only at me and all I could picture was the countless number of times we had sung this song. There had been the start of the tour when we had to pretend to like each other. Our smiles had been forced and the banter was scripted. There was when we played our little game of back and forth flirting. His hand would sneakily grab my ass or I'd whisper in his ear during an interlude. In Chicago, we had filmed the video for it and Kendall and I had finally gotten to get our hands on each other. And once we were dating, there were no fake grins or scripted jokes, it was authentic.

A quote from the Rolling Stones article written about the tour circled in my mind as we performed.

 _Their chemistry had been enough to set the arena on fire._

Everyone had seen it. The media questioned if the video was more than acting. His friends had been surprised the first night we played our game. Fans had tweeted different videos of us performing and pointed out the flirtier moments. That had to have been real for him, right? Because it had been real for me.

Kendall must have been thinking the same thing because he looked just as lost in thought as I was. We reached the bridge of the song and we moved to the center of the stage. We closed some of the gap between us, our hands stretched out, fingertips brushing.

"Our hands fit just the right way. Our legs tangled up in the small space. The world outside feels far away as I get to know you."

The air between us was charged and I wanted to hold his hand forever. "I can feel my heartbeat electric to my fingertips."

Kendall's voice was strained and cracked as it came out. His eyes were heavy and lingered on my lips. "I can feel anticipation through my veins."

"I can almost feel the weight of your kiss on my lips."

His hand came up to touch my face and all I could think about was our first kiss. It had been unexpected and frantic. I had been yelling at Kendall in a dressing room somewhere in Texas. He had cut off my shouting with a hard kiss. I could still feel the weight of his lips on mine and smell his soap and cigarettes. It had been the first of many and I felt a yearning for it in the back of my throat.

Kendall's thumb brushed across my lower lip as he sang. The song was nearly over and this was the last time I'd ever sing with him. It tugged at the knot in my stomach. I didn't want this moment to end. But it had to, it was for the best.

"Anything can happen on a night like this."

The audience applauded, bringing me back to reality. The stage was plunged into darkness and Kendall went for it. His lips brushed against mine just long enough to leave me wanting more. But I was strong, I pushed him away and hurried offstage. My microphone pack was disconnected and Kendall didn't wait for the stage crew. He tore it off himself and jogged to catch up with me.

"Elle."

For some reason, my body decided to betray me and tears burned in my eyes. "Can you not? Please?"

My tears surprised him and he cringed. "Why are you crying?"

"I don't know. It's just..." I exhaled and threw my hands up. "It's done, summer's over. The tour is over. We're over."

My last sentence hit us both like a ton of bricks and it made Kendall frown. "It doesn't have to be."

"But it does. It's for the best." I opened the door to my dressing room. "Even if it hurts."

"Elle." He pleaded and tried to follow me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered hastily as I began to shut the door. "I have to go."

My tears alarmed Liz but she was gracious enough not to say anything. The team helped me change into my original dress and touched up my makeup for the final portion of the show. I was up for one more award, Album of the Year. But I was too restless in my seat to even think about it. It was a commercial break and the theatre was full of talking. My head ached and I kept shifting my body. I just wanted to go home, I couldn't be near Kendall anymore. It was too painful.

"I'm sorry I kissed you." He said as he took his seat. "I did it without thinking."

"You do a lot of things without thinking."

My words must have been colder than I thought because Kendall was quiet for a moment. "I'm sorry. I just realized that this was the last time I'd be with you, sing with you, and it was an instinct. I shouldn't have kissed you."

My frown deepened and I shook my head. It's not that I didn't want him to kiss me. It was the fact that I couldn't just let go. There was always something standing between me and Kendall never seeing each other again. There was always something that made it harder to untangle myself from him. There was the duet, the way he saved me from Jett, and now there was this kiss. It was all making my plan harder than it already was. Deep down, I knew the real reason that it was so hard, was because I still had feelings for him. But he didn't need to know this. I just needed to get out of here.

"I have to go," I said suddenly, turning away from Kendall and grabbing my clutch.

The guys looked worried. "Go?"

"I want to go home. Summer's over, I have to go." My chest felt tight and Kendall's staring didn't help. "I have to leave."

It was my basic instinct to run when things got rough and right now I wanted to flee. I couldn't bear to look at Kendall knowing that this was it.

"Elle, there are only a few awards left." James pointed out. "Everyone knows you're going to win."

"They can mail it to me."

Logan handed me a tissue. "It's okay, just breathe."

"Yeah, don't let summer end this way." Carlos rubbed my arm. "You can watch us perform and laugh at our awful dancing."

Kendall was watching the whole scene with a grimace. "Elle, please."

"Come on, we had a good summer. Don't let it end this way." James was trying to coax me back into my seat. "Just get through the rest of tonight and it's all over. I promise."

I cast Kendall a wary glance. I was conflicted to the core. I wasn't sure what I wanted more, to never see Kendall again or to never _not_ see him again. Even after everything we had been through, part of me couldn't picture my life without him. That's why I had to go. If I stayed any longer I knew I would give in.

But the lights dimmed and I had no choice to sit back down next to him. My fingernails dug into my thigh and I couldn't focus on the show. Kendall continued whispering in my ear between speeches.

A sitcom won for Best Series. I couldn't tell you what show though. What I could tell you was that Kendall promised to give me what I wanted.

"I'm sorry for everything. After tonight, I swear I'll leave you alone if that's what you want." He let out a breath. "But just know that I love you."

My throat was tight as I looked over at him. "I know."

Some starlet won for Summer Icon. Or maybe it was for Summer Style, I didn't know and I didn't care. Kendall's fingers brushed over my arm.

"Getting to know you was the best thing to happen to me."

I couldn't find the words to tell him that for better or worse, it was one of the best things to happen to me too.

A duo won for Best Rap Group. The artists could have gone up on stage naked and I wouldn't have noticed. All I could focus on was Kendall's voice in my ear.

"I'll never stop being sorry for what I did."

I could feel my cheeks burn as I fidgeted in my seat. Maybe part of me was ready to forgive him.

"I think you have feelings for me, Eleanor. You do, don't you?"

I didn't have time to respond. Big Time Rush won for Best Group Album.

He just stared at me for a moment, ignoring the applause around him. His friends pulled him to his feet and broke our moment. I congratulated them with a tight smile. He brushed past me and I avoided his eye.

Carlos, Logan, and James accepted their rockets with huge grins as they waved to fans. My heart swelled with pride as I watched them celebrate together. They really did deserve this. They busted their asses all summer and my drama definitely didn't make things easier. Big Time Rush had won every award they had been nominated for and it was safe to say their mature image was here to stay.

I think Kendall was the only person in the entire room who wasn't smiling. He stood behind his friends, his lips were pressed into a tight line and I could see that he was itching to get off the stage. The guys were thanking their fans, Gustavo, and everyone who voted. Kendall didn't speak, I watched him scan the crowd and when his eyes settled, I had to look away. His gaze was too intense for my liking. His unanswered question hung between us.

I really should have left when I had the chance. They disappeared backstage and I knew their performance would be happening in a few minutes. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to slip out because of how close we were to the front. Liz must have read my mind because she leaned forward, pointing to her watch.

"The show's over in ten minutes. The guys are performing and then you'll probably win this award. That's it. Don't let him take that moment away from you."

"Yeah but," I trailed off and tried to think of a reason to leave other than 'not being with Kendall and knowing that this is the last time I'll see him is making me want to cry' when I couldn't I groaned. "Ten minutes?"

"Nine and a half."

I crossed my arms and grumbled. "I better win this fucking rocket for my suffering."

Liz did have a valid point. Ten minutes wouldn't kill me and if I won, I wasn't going to miss out on my victory because Kendall made me emotional. I had worked too hard and too long to let that happen. I was going to own my moment if it came.

A few more awards were handed out and all that were left were Best Album, Best Song, and Best Film. Big Time Rush's performance was first though, it was an honor to open and close the award show. So when Dara Laramie, an actress Carlos had briefly dated, came out I put on a smile for my friends.

"You know them, you love them, they won every award they were nominated for this summer." She introduced them and gestured to the stage. "Big Time Rush!"

The room burst into cheers and applause that quickly fell flat when they didn't come out. Instantly, my stomach lurched and my mouth went bone dry. There was no smoke, no lights, and no music. It was just Kendall coming onto the stage with his guitar.

"Absolutely fucking not." Liz was already standing up. "Not today."

I was too curious to fully turn around but I waved her off. "I want to see this."

No one knew what to make of Kendall. There was applause but some scattered jeers in there as well. He adjusted his guitar strap and leaned into the microphone. His voice wavered a bit and he spoke like he was making it up as he went.

"So, there's been a slight change of plans." He let out a nervous laugh. "It's just me."

A murmur swept through the audience and I could already feel my hands grow clammy. A brief flash of panic made my stomach seize up. What if this was some final, cruel, 'fuck you' because I told him we were over? What if his fight with Jett was fake? What if-

Those thoughts disappeared instantly when Kendall ducked his head. He shifted his weight and cleared his throat. The stage was as much of a home for him as the ice and yet he looked uneasy. There was no way he could be faking this, especially on a literal public stage with his reputation. But still, my heart pounded erratically as he continued.

"This summer my friends and I toured with an incredibly talented opening act. We didn't get along at first but then I was lucky enough to get to know her, understand her." I knew him well enough to recognize the way his features had softened. It was an expression that was just for the two of us. "But then I did something stupid. I just want to take this chance, on our last day together, to say I'm crazy about you and that I'm sorry. I always will be."

It was eerily silent in the room. I could feel thousands of eyes on me, it was no secret who he was talking about. Crazier things had happened at award shows, Madonna kissed Britney, Kanye interrupted Taylor, James had confessed his feelings to Lucy, a boyband member had caught on fire once, and Kendall Knight had admitted his feelings to me in front of the world.

"I started this song after the Fourth of July."

Kendall stepped back from the microphone and started playing. Behind him, I recognized the guys' guitarist playing backup. His friends were nowhere to be found and it seemed like no one was going to stop him because he started singing.

"Counting stars, lying in the grass side by side, your head on my shoulder. We talk a lot about nothing much, every breath we're getting closer.

Just like that, I wasn't in Los Angeles in a dark theatre but on a blanket in Florida. We had spent the Fourth of July together, we talked about our childhoods as we laid there in the dark, watching fireworks burst over our heads. That was the night I realized that maybe the two of us would be good for each other. Things had been so simple then. It seemed like a different world compared to now.

"Parallel, in this universe. Do we light up our hearts to watch them burn?" His strumming picked up and his face was determined. He still didn't look up from his fingers. "Parallel, are we crossing lines? Maybe tonight the stars align."

I was never one to read too much into the idea of destiny or fate and neither was Kendall. However, I couldn't help but turn his words over in my head. Kendall and I had been in the background of each other's lives for years. Until this summer he had been nothing more than an acquaintance, the guy who's eyes lingered a bit too long when I visited my ex-boyfriend on set. He had been that one guy from that one boyband. We probably sat just rows away from each other at past award shows. So much had to go wrong for us to end up here.

If he and his friends hadn't been watching the right TV channel they wouldn't have known about the auditions. If James' voice hadn't cracked Kendall wouldn't have sung _Girl to my Heart_. If he wasn't so fucking stubborn they wouldn't have become Big Time Rush. He'd still be in Minnesota playing hockey. If I hadn't been stuck with my aunt maybe I wouldn't have wanted to escape Arizona so desperately. Had I not sent my demos out to labels, I wouldn't have been signed. And I hated to admit it, but if Jett hadn't filmed that night in the bathroom, I wouldn't have needed to make a comeback. Everything that happened had led to this moment. The stars had aligned in just the right way for Kendall and me to cross paths.

"What if the one who was meant for you was all along right in front of you?" His eyes found mine and he gave me that damn half-smile. "You just didn't see it was there all the time. I've got a feeling tonight that the stars align."

He was right. If someone had told me five months ago that I would be sitting here in tears over Kendall because I had feelings for him, I would have laughed. The day I met the guys to announce the tour I had been certain that Kendall and I would never get along. Never in a million years did I think that we'd be friends let alone someone I had been romantically involved with. And yet, my eyes burned as I watched him.

"Everything I want to say about you is more than enough to write a novel."

My pulse thrummed in my ears and my hands were shaking. People were turned around in their seats to look at me. I'm sure they were curious about what was happening right now and my relationship. But they were a soft blur in the background. All I could see was him and all he could see was me. He repeated the chorus and I pressed my hand to my mouth to try to stop myself from crying. Kendall had written countless songs about me, I heard several of them. But this was different, it was coming from someone with nothing to lose. He was laying all his cards on the table and making himself vulnerable because that's how much he cared. He wanted to make things up to me.

He reached the bridge and I could see the desperation twisting his features from here. His eyes were full of guilt, affection, and a small bit of excitement.

"I'd throw a rope around the moon and pull it close, whatever it takes to be with you." He tapped out a steady beat against the body of his guitar. "Maybe tonight the stars align."

Tears finally made their way down my face. Before Kendall went on stage for his award, he asked me if I had feelings for him. There hadn't been time to answer. But I was pretty sure my answer could go unspoken for the rest of time and he'd still know the truth. I had known I had feelings for him since that day we fell asleep together on the bus. When we had our first real kiss in the back of the music store it had been a long time coming.

"What if the one who was meant for you, was all along right in front of you? You just didn't see, it was there all the time."

His gaze met mine and for the millionth time this summer, there was undeniable electricity between us. He had put me through so much. Treating me poorly at the start of the tour, the bet, the pictures, telling me to end it, and I knew that. But he had also been the one to make me feel safe enough to have sex again, he defended me from angry parents and people on social media. He literally fought for me earlier today. Now, he was pouring his heart out to me in a grand gesture, in a way no one had ever done for me before.

So, of course, I had feelings for him.

"So, maybe tonight the stars align." He cleared his throat and was soft. "Thank you, for everything."

There was a moment of unsure silence as the final chords faded out. It was followed by applause. People loved a good a spectacle but it barely registered in my ears. Kendall gave me one last, hopeful smile before vanishing back behind the stage. Goosebumps had cropped up over my skin and I shuddered at the chill.

"Are you okay?" Liz's voice was somewhere in the background and her hand was on my shoulder. "Elle?"

When I turned my head the noise of the theatre was thunderous as it came into focus. I knew people would be talking about this, hijacking an award show to declare your feelings for someone was newsworthy. Color flushed my cheeks but I didn't care too much.

"Do you want to leave?"

My whole life had been nothing but running when things got hard. I snuck out of foster homes, I ditched the dry heat of Arizona the first chance I got, I hid from the spotlight after the Jett Incident, and I left New York before I had fully processed what had happened. I had spent my whole life fleeing at the first sign of trouble. But not anymore. I spoke around the lump in my throat. I was still crying but I was certain.

"I'm not going anywhere."

In the chaos of Kendall's performance and Liz making sure I was alright, I hadn't noticed it was my final category.

"And the Tween Choice Award for Best Album goes to... Elle Harper for _It's Kind of a Long Story_!"

I was taken aback and drew in a sharp breath. The cameras were on me as I hastily wiped at my cheeks and climbed to my feet. Liz wrapped her arms around me before sending me to the stage. My legs trembled as I walked down the aisle. The clapping rang in my ears and it was mostly a blur. My album, the comeback record that I thought would be marred by the drama of this summer had won. Kendall had sung on this very stage just moments ago. He asked me if I still had feelings for him. Jett sat mere feet away with a black eye. It was all too much. I gripped the podium with one hand and clutched my chest with the other.

"Holy..." I shook my head, my voice was shaky and my tearstained face was larger than life on the screen. "Wow."

I took a deep breath and started again.

"This album and summer were my second chance at doing what I love. The past few years have been a lot. It's kind of a long story." I chuckled a little bit at the pun. "The songs on this record are some of the most personal and vulnerable things I have ever written. This summer, this tour, has changed my life in so many ways. I want to thank my fans for sticking by me through everything. I want to thank my best friends James, Logan, and Carlos for believing in me no matter what. And I want to thank my manager Liz Mendez because she's my rock and my best friend and I couldn't have done any of this without her."

"And of course, I have to thank the person who inspired most of the songs on this album." I wiped a hand across my face and sniffed as more tears came out. "There was a time when I didn't think I'd be standing here. So this award means the world to me and I'm beyond grateful for all the support. I don't take any of this for granted. Thank you."

I took the rocket and walked towards the backstage area. The guys were waiting with hugs and apologies for the surprise performance but I didn't care about them. I shoved the award into one of their hands and pushed through the crowd. He was pacing and biting at his thumbnail. His thick brows were knitted as though he was deep in thought. When he saw me a flurry of emotions crossed over his face. Pride, guilt, and affection all pulled at his expression.

"I know you're probably pissed at me." His words were rushed and he held up his hands. "But this is the last time we'll see each other and-"

I didn't hear the rest of his explanation because I launched myself into his arms. My face was buried into the crook of his neck and I breathed him in. He smelled like early mornings on the bus and the safety and comfort that helped me sleep at night. It was familiar and I held onto him as I cried. He paused for a moment before bringing his arms around my waist. His hold was so tight that I could hardly breathe. But that might have also been the butterflies.

"Congratulations." He spoke into my hair. "You deserve this, you earned it."

I didn't say anything, I just held onto him like he was going to disappear if I let go. Memories and flashbacks swirled in my head. When this summer first started, I never expected my comeback to go this well. I hadn't expected to grow so much as an artist or as a person. I hadn't expected a lot of things.

Kendall was still talking and he leaned away so he could look at me. His smile was soft and his eyes were warm, the total opposites of the sneers and judgemental stares he had first treated me to.

"I'm so proud of you." He squeezed my arms and wiped my tears. "I love you, Eleanor."

I sniffled and swallowed hard. Again, I found my mind wandering to the idea of destiny. I thought of the events that had led me to this summer, the events that had led me to him. I thought of everything that had happened between us. I could still feel the unexpected tension that had been there when we wrote our song. The weight of his lips on mine when he kissed me in that dressing room still lingered. I remembered the game we had played night after night as we tried to outdo each other. I could still feel the alcohol in my veins from that night in the club when we confessed our feelings for each other. We were mere inches apart and I could feel the truth deep down in my bones.

I had been careful with my words my whole life. But now, standing here in front of him there was only one thing to say. I think I had known this for a long time. I had felt it that first night in Florida when I let him take my clothes off. The heat had been stifling and clung to our skin. I felt it in Minnesota when he carried me up the stairs to his old bedroom and we peeled off our wet clothes. It was obvious. It was the way we laid on a blanket together watching fireworks. It was the way he promised not to let me fall as we skated on the ice. It was why seeing him with Jo that day in New York had hurt so bad. It was how he was the only person I could fall asleep next too. My feelings were obvious and I had known that for a long time. I had spent my whole life running when things got hard but for once I was happy to stand still. Saying those words were as easy as breathing.

"I love you too." It came out as a whisper.

Kendall looked confused but the ghost of a smile pulled at his lips. His voice was a shaky laugh. "What?"

"I love you too, Kendall." It was firm this time and my heart was racing. "I love you."

Kendall's smile was wide when he pulled me into him. His arms were tight around me and he lifted me off my feet. His laugh was warm and when he set me down he held my face. I didn't dare to blink and risk missing a single second of him looking at me like I was his everything. Green eyes stared into brown and I could feel the electric in my fingertips. I don't know who closed the gap first but I kissed him hard. It was safe and familiar. So I finally gave in to the scent of his soap, mint, and cigarettes. My fingers tangled in his blonde hair and he cupped my face. The kiss was deep and full of history. It felt right. It felt like coming home.

We were in sync, it was as natural as the sun and the way the planets revolved around it.

* * *

AN: Elle loves him too! But I think we all knew that. Elle and Kendall obviously have a lot to work through but they're finally on the same page. My favorite parts were the red carpet exchange with Jo and Jett, and of course Kendall's performance and the final scene. What was yours? I know a lot of you were conflicted about Kendall and Elle so do you think they're making the right choice?

The next chapter is going to show the aftermath of the Tween Choice Awards and a glimpse into the future.

Also, I've officially started writing a prequel to this that will be called _You Know We're Gonna Be Legends_! I'm hoping to post chapter one as a sneak peek sometime this winter so if you still want to read more about Elle, keep an eye out.

Thank you so, so much for the support. Please let me know what you thought and chapter 40 will be up in December.

Stay tuned!


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